#my head’s a wasteland a library of names open books without words open graves [ writings / drabbles ]

[griefwrecked-blog]

          the snow crunches underneath her feet as she's led by two knights down the path to what she knows is the seelie court. as soon as she was granted access to the court, two knights had greeted her at the entrance with lackluster greetings only to pull a black hood over her head and bind her hands behind her moments later. it takes everything in her to quell her urge to fight, to defend herself but, she’s come completely unarmed and though she could take two seelie knights she can’t - she can’t fight this time because simon needs her. alec was going to be furious and hurt and only the thought of the letter holding all of her secrets hiding in his jacket pocket made the ache in her chest abate just slightly, the clave was going to be in arms and she was sure no matter what the letter explained, what the clave said that there would be a rescue mission planned one she only hoped alec would be able to stop, one she only hoped the queen’s word would be able to stop. 

          ❝ lovely. now we can move this right along, shall we ? ❞

          the queen’s voice is the first she hears when she’s brought to a stop. there’s a part of her, childish and human, that aches to see simon, to explain, to kiss him like she did that night he walked away from all of them, to make sure he understood that she was going to be okay, that she would do this and so much more to make sure he could have some semblance of the life he’s always deserved but she balls her bound hands into fists until her nails dig into her skin to quiet that voice. 

          ❝ move what right along ? you gave me your word that they would all be safe. you - ❞

          that was simon’s voice laced with distress and still so familiar it caused a storm of feelings in her chest. once again she had to dig her nails into the abused skin of her palm until she was sure she was drawing blood. 

          ❝ quiet now, darling. i have kept my word and will continue to do so. i have also struck up a new deal that unfortunately requires you to be released. ❞

          a breath of relief she didn’t realize she had been holding rushed out of her at the verbal reassurance that simon would be leaving the queen’s clutches once and for all. since she had made this back alley agreement with the queen she had been wracked with the fear the queen would go back on her word, manipulate her way around it and there would be no way to stop her but, now with the firm realization the queen was keeping her word she could feel relief sweeping through her if only for a moment. 

          ❝ i don’t - i don’t understand. released ? agreement with who ? are you trading me off because that wasn’t part of our deal. our deal was for me to stay here with you, not for you to trade me off like i’m cattle or trading cards or whatever it is - ❞

          simon lewis would be the only one to make the seelie queen sound exasperasted, it was almost enough to pull some hysterical laugh out of her. 

          ❝ a trade, your freedom for something else i desire ... someone else. the knights will escort you out, i’m sure you can find your way back to the institute and i’m sure you’ll keep the secrets we’ve shared to yourself or i might find myself forgetting the details of our agreement. ❞

          tension shot up her spine like a lightning bolt and she had to pray that simon would keep true to his part of the agreement, that no one would come back for her, that they would for once let it go ... that he would let her go. footsteps, not the heavy sounds of the knights, were the next sound she heard and for a moment it felt like simon was right next to her and every part of her body reacted to his proximity wanted nothing more than to reach out to him. her breath hitched in her throat as his shoulder bumped against her, the simple touch nearly undoing her ... it was near insane how much hold this boy had on her. beneath the hood on her head, her lips formed a silent goodbye as he was pulled away and the sound of his footsteps carried him away until there was nothing but silence. 

          grace couldn’t save her mom, she couldn’t save her and she failed both alec and simon when they had truly needed her, she had no one left in the world to miss her, no mission left to fight, no greater purpose but simon had everything, he was going to shake up the world. simon lewis was one of the tragically few things she had done right in her life and that thought allowed her to breathe easy as the hood was ripped away to reveal the queen in her vision, 

❝ - and hello again, dear nephilim. how delighted i am to have you with me. ❞

                                                                                // remembcr

[griefwrecked-blog]

❝ grace ! ❞

christopher’s voice breaks the morning bustle of the institute and causes her to wince when it knocks her headache up a few hundred levels. she rubbed her sleeve across her face hoping to wipe away the smudged makeup and any other evidence of last night’s events knowing she was already in for one lecture from chris and her mom after last night’s fight and her subsequent ditching of her mission. a gusty sigh escaped her as she turned to face the head of the institute and the only man who had ever stuck around her entire life, the only able to put up with her and cover for her as much as he could, 

❝ christopher, good morning, you’re looking great and extremely forgiving. how about some coffee, my treat and i’ll even grab some of those - ❞

christopher’s blue eyes seemed to darken, something shifting in his normally calm expression that twisted something in her chest, making her hands shake where they rested by her side and her legs twitched with the urge to run far away. slowly, she backed away from chris who seemed to realize what she was doing and she couldn’t restrain the flinch that shook her whole body when christopher’s hand reached out and gripped her arm, gentle but firm. grace wasn’t sure why she allowed herself to be tugged along to christopher’s office when just moments ago she had barely been restraining the urge to run but, there had always been something about chris that she had trusted ever since she was a little girl in pigtails running through the institute happy as any little girl ever was before the reality of the world broke through and changed everything. 

❝ chris, not that i’m not loving the whole silent and serious thing because really it’s super effective but, i’ve got things to do, monsters to hunt and all that so i’m just gonna mark this down as a sucessful lecture and get out of your hair. have you seen my mom by the way, i owe her a pretty big apology for yesterday.  ❞

❝ gracie ... ❞ 

christopher’s features seemed to soften and she could see in that moment how tired he seemed, the deep lines on his face and the sadness in his eyes that seemed so desperate it made her heart beat a little faster wondering what could have happened that had brought all of those emotions to his face. there was a whisper in the back of her mind that quietly told her why but, she shook her head to dislodge it, to shove it away to make sure it never came to the light of day to make it true. 

❝ she’s probably really worried, she’s always gets worried when i stay out all night. it’s like she thinks i can take care of myself you know ? she always sees me as a little girl and then i get mad and i just need to tell her i’m sorry. ❞

grace’s motions became frantic almost as she spoke, hands moving around wildly as she spun around like her mom was just going to pop up from behind the desk or bookshelf, summoned by her daughter’s fear and desperation to see her in front of her, to hold her and breathe in the familiar perfume that was adaline’s. christopher stepped towards her once more but, she took the opportunity this time time to bolt searching blindly for her mom’s room. 

❝ mom ? mom, where are you ? it’s your crazy insane daughter hoping to apologize just tell me where you are, please mom. i’m sorry, i’m so sorry. ❞

her voice cracked as she moved up and down the halls before she found her way to her mom’s room, near falling through the door with christopher’s voice echoing behind her, 

❝ mom, mom are you here ? i need to talk to you, mom i need to say i’m sorry cause i really am and i’m not just saying it cause i’m supposed to. please mom, just tell me where .. where you are. ❞

shaking fingers brushed the sweater hanging on her mom’s chair and just the brush of familiar fabric caused her eyes to burn with tears and her throat to grow tight. christopher’s hand rested on her back, quiet and unmoving as she felt something break inside of her when the truth finally broke through and sent her to her knees, 

❝ mom ... ❞

christopher was right at her side as she fell, arms wrapping around her tightly as if he could shelter her from the truth, the way her mom used to hold her when she was upset or scared. a sob broke through and it heraled the arrival of so many more as she broke apart in christopher’s arms, fingers clutching to the fabric of his jacket near tight enough to tear it. hushed words of comfort and apologies accompanied the sounds of her grief that echoed in the room and memories of her mom doing the same had her gripping him impossibly tighter. she didn’t just owe her mom an apology, she owed her mom the world and everything else and instead the last words she ever spoke to her were full of anger and venom and the memory of her mom’s heartbroken features sent her spiraling even further into her grief until she felt like she couldn’t breathe under the weight of it, barely breaking the surface to draw in a pained breath, voice murming a quiet plea as she fought against the waves threatening to pull her under because her mom was gone and there was no mom left to pull her to safety.

❝ i’m sorry, i’m so, so sorry mom.... ❞