#my grandma's old dog was here on new year's eve one year and she got so scared by the fireworks she was never right after that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wexlerkimberly · 4 years ago

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oh god, yearly round-up.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

side note: this is my TENTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! year of doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have been on this website for OVER 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jesus christ.

ok. on a completely personal level, last year was so fucking dreadful that i remember falling asleep at my friends house on new years eve and thinking: “well, at least this year can’t be any worse”. HMMMM. in all seriousness though, despite everything, i have had a mostly decent year. i’m very lucky in lots and lots of ways. i’m lucky none of my closest family or loved ones have been effected too deeply by covid. just mild inconvenience, at most. i am lucky that i live in a house with such a large garden, so i could enjoy fresh air and family-free time if i needed to. i am lucky the weather has been mostly nice this year so i could go for plenty of walks. i’m lucky that i’m naturally a very quiet, anti-social person anyway so i haven’t felt the strain of isolation as severely as others.

most of all, this year has been boring, if anything. but there’s still been things that have made it nice. january - birthday!!! i don’t usually go hard or anything for my birthday but it stands out to me as a really lovely day. i went for a walk to one of my favourite hills with my dad & dogs during the day. in the evening, i had badminton with my friends as i used to most thursdays (INDOOR SPORTS?!?!?!!? REMEMBER INDOORS SPORTS?!?!!?!?!) and then, as per our tradition, i went back to their flat for take-away chips and halloumi burgers. because they are so unbelievably generous and lovely, my friends bought me a new badminton racket for my birthday. i feel like i’ve barely got a chance to use this year, for obvious reasons, but i can’t wait to use it so much more as soon as possible. the following day, i went to work as normal but then went out to a really nice italian place with my family for a meal and we did birthday cake & candles when we got home. feeling stupidly grateful for so many thoughtful people in my life. february - again, this year has been so dry that a trip to the cinema could be considered a high point. but it was my only cinema trip of the year and just a really nice day. me & my friend saw jojo rabbit (which was great, if you haven’t seen it already) and afterwards we ambled around town looking at things in shops. it sounds so simple but i haven’t done any of that stuff since really, so it feels so exciting and exotic when i think back on it.

february - stayed at my grandma’s house for the weekend. we do that as often as we can, usually, and it’s always nice. but - obviously - we haven’t been able to see my grandma much at all this year. it was nice to sit in front of the fire with her and watch tv and be given access to all sorts of baked goods and walk up the hills around by her. on the sunday, we managed to pop-in on my nana & grandad too and eat many baked goods there too.

march - meal out for my brother’s birthday. i feel like a lot of my “special days” this year revolved around someone’s birthday this year. but i think this was our last day of ‘normalcy’ before things went a bit crazy here. my family went to a caribbean pub with my brother and his gf and we had lovely tasty food and a nice night out. i think that was the last day i wore anything other than pyjamas or leggings for a long time.

april - no joke, i remember going to the vets during the peak of lockdown when the whole country was essentially shut down and it felt like THE most exciting day of my life. my cat was fine (she’d been bitten and needed painkillers for an infection but she was absolutely fine!) but i remember being near giddy in the car. my sister came with us too even though she didn’t need to because of how exciting it felt.

may - my brother’s birthday. the other one. the first of our lockdown birthdays. we popped in to drop a card off at a friend’s who shares the same birthday as him. then we drove (DROVE! IN A CAR!) to a stretch of really lovely canal that my brother likes to walk on and had a great walk. in the evening, we ordered in an indian take-away and my sister had made a FAT four-tiered chocolate cake to celebrate.

may - ok this is very dumb but i finished breaking bad this year and i set aside a special date to watch el camino. i made a very sickly millionaire’s cheesecake and my whole family gathered round the tv to eat and re/watch el camino. it’s so dumb and silly but i was so excited, it felt like a special cinematic event. i cried.

june - my dad’s birthday. my dad, my brother & me (plus dogs) drove out of the county (rogue fugitives!!!!!!) to meet my grandad for a socially distanced chat and picnic. it was a bit weird not being able to hug him and sitting on separate benches but it was still great to see him. we had a takeaway chinese for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert.

july - my sister’s birthday. we technically celebrated it 4 days earlier because she had to move into her new flat but we had a nice indian take-away and another bloody chocolate birthday cake.

july - my mom’s birthday. i honestly cannot remember what we ate - i think we had homemade pizzas in the garden??? it’s weird when food dictates the differences between days. anyway, i definitely made another birthday cake.

july - went for a socially distanced walk with a friend i haven’t seen in ages. it was lovely and the weather was very kind to us and it was great to go walking across fields and to a reservoir i hadn’t been to in years and years.

august - my brother got his GCSE results and we ate pizza in the garden to celebrate. after the monumental government fuck-up with results, we were a bit nervous about how badly they’d ruin his chances but he did very well.

september - went to visit my grandma. she had been living by herself for the entirity of the pandemic (she doesn’t mind, she’s loves to garden and she does online latin and pilates classes, she’s a very busy lady) but i think she enjoyed seeing us. we were plied full of food once again. we went for a lovely evening ramble on the hills right by her house. on the sunday, my dad went for a walk with a friend he hasn’t seen in ages while me, my brother and my grandma went for another hill walk elsewhere. i think my grandma really enjoyed that because she hasn’t been able to go walking much because she was so anxious about tripping and being completely alone, or being rescued by someone carrying The Virus. so it was nice to accompany her. after that, we had a nice socially distanced meeting with my grandparents in their garden. it felt very risky to me because i am insanely anxious but my grandma, my grandad and my nana are all very safe and healthy.

october - halloween!!! i never celebrate halloween BUT this year, i was so sick of being the house every single day i decided to organise something different. so in the evening, me, my dad & my brother went for a halloween walk in the countryside through a graveyard, then through a field where there used to be an old abonnonded saxon village, and then finally through hagley wood where bella of wych elm was found. my dad & my brother were completely uneffected but i was absolutely shitting myself at every tiny little thing. my dogs had their little flashing colours on and we all had torches but i was still so pathetically spooked by everything. after the walk, we met my mom in the car (i had to get changed in the car from my walking stuff to vaguely presentable clothes) then we went to a goddamn PUB!!!!!!!!! to eat a meal!!!!!!!!!!! i went a bit overboard making my family santise their hands every 5 minutes but we definitely had a lovely meal.

november - did a bonfire in the garden for bonfire night. ate homemade vegan chilli and then apple crumble. it was freezing cold and we tried to stay out there for as long as we could. i even managed to find some sparklers and me & my brother waltzed around the garden with them, likesay we’re not an adult and a child-grown. the others melted marshmallows on the fire and i just enjoyed watching the fireworks i could see and throwing balls for the dogs.

november - we’re brits lmao but when joe biden’s presidency was finally confirmed, we celebrated with an indonesian take-away because fuck it!!!!!!!! gotta celebrate where we could this year!!!!!!!!!!

december - christmas!!!!!!!!!!!! we usually have christmas every year at my grandma’s house with my aunt and her boyfriend. it’s a fairly decent sized house out in the countryside and she has a wood-burning fire and it just Feels more christmassy there, especially as i’ve literally only ever spent one single christmas at home before. but we still managed to make it very special this year i think. my sister came on the 13th and we got quickly into a routine of watching christmas films in the evening. on christmas eve, i made vegan gingerbread biscuits and vegan mince pies and my sister made a chocolate yule log cake and then we watched a film. on christmas morning, we all opened our presents in our own living room which felt weird but was still lovely. afterwards, we went for a family walk. my mom pretty much single-handedly (me & my sister helped) cooked a whole christmas dinner for the 6 of us with all the trimmings. usually it’s my grandma, my aunt and my mom but the fact my mom managed to cook such a goddamn feast with our shitty oven where the grill doesn’t work and you have to slam the oven door at least 5 times before it shuts.......... i’m convinced she Might be superwoman?!?!!?!? and it was SO good. in the evening, we had cheese & crackers and my sister’s tasty yule log and we watched many a film. boxing day was much the same but still nice. this whole stretch between christmas and new years day is usually painfully boring but this year has been good, i think. i have consumed an entire army’s worth of cheese and chocolate and i have definitely enjoyed the snow we’ve had here recently.

so. yeah. this is very basic and boring. none of these things would usually end up in my write-up of the year. but i haven’t been to a single concert or theatre trip or even really left the midlands at all. in my round-up last year, i wrote some stupid sentimental bullshit about romanticising “the most basic and boring aspects of life” and never has that been so apt. on the face of it, this year has been SO boring. but i’ve managed to make it enjoyable in the tiniest ways.

for example, i enjoyed every single sunny day. i would jump on the trampoline and listen to podcasts. i would go running and listen to podcasts. i would go walking and listen to podcasts. i owe a lot to podcasts, i think. but i definitively owe a LOTTTTT to walking. i walk for a living (i’m a dog-walker lmao) but i would still go out for walks with my own dogs in the evening or go out for walks with my dad in the morning where i could. if we thought we made good use of the pizza oven last year, this year has been insane. i have made and cooked SO! MANY! pizzas this year and they were all excellent. i feel like food has been really important this year. like i said, it helps distinguish the days, especially “special” or “treat” foods. like everyone i have done a lottt of baking this year. especially when it’s been such a great year for fruit!!! there’s a field near me and there’s just simply shit loads of blackberries and raspberries that grow there. i remember one evening sat in the garden eating some mango sorbet my sister made with some raspberries i picked from the field and thinking that life simply does not get better than that. idk. it’s nice to take pleasure in the smallest things i think.

but, like i said, i have been so lucky this year. i was only off work temporarily and none of my immediate circle have been directly impacted by the effects of covid. as annoying as they are, i’m very lucky to have spent so much time with my family - as opposed to be being by myself - because it’s nice when we make food for each other and watch tv and films together or go for walks together.

god. this is long and waffley. if you read all this: what the fuck is wrong with you? but also: thank you! i know 2021 is definitely going to start off rocky but i strongly believe - and i’m a massive pessimist - that things are going to get better. love and strength to everyone. wishing you peace and comfort x

(again: i cannot believe i have been writing up this silly little incoherent things for a decade!!! sometimes i like to go back and read the earlier ones and remind myself of old fun times and cringe at teenage me. here’s to... 10 more years??? hahahahaha. anyway:here’s the other 9 years of nonsense: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and, finally, 2011.)

#2020 #personal #text #txt #hi it's me x

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gumnut-logic · 5 years ago

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Parents

Title: Parents

Author: Gumnut

12 Jan 2020

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: Gotta love them anyway.

Word count: 4938

Spoilers & warnings: Episode tag for 3.20. Spoilers for Season Three, particularly 3.20.

Timeline: Directly after 3.20

Author’s note: This one is a weird one. It mostly wrote itself and what came out was odd.

I had to do some serious math on the brothers’ ages. Please see the notes at the end of the fic for details.

Many thanks to @scribbles97 for the read through and cheering and @thunderstorm-bay for the wonderful support ::hugs you::

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

“I can’t believe he did that!”

John looked up as his littlest brother stormed into the lab. Alan was still in his uniform and obviously fuming.

“Did what?” Apparently, his calculations would have to wait. He straightened in his seat and turned to face his brother.

“You didn’t see it?”

“See what?” Sometimes it took time to get to the point.

“Virgil cleaning my face in front of thousands of people. With his own spit.”

“Oh, that.” John fought the urge to roll his eyes. “That’s just Virgil, you know that.” He turned back to his workstation. He really needed to get these calculations done and sent to Brains. “Oh, and it is more like millions rather than thousands. An enthusiastic Tracy follower clipped the shot and posted it to social media. It’s got raving reviews.” He pulled up the post and flung the hologram in his brother’s direction before focussing once again on that argumentative variable.

“What?!”

John vaguely registered Alan glaring at the hologram and its attached comments.

“Cute? Adorable? Baaaaby Tracy? What the hell?!”

John had to smirk. “Yeah, well, your fans do love you.”

“My fans? What fans?”

That brought John to a halt. He looked up at his brother. “Your fans. The Spacey Tracy Tribute Troop.”

“What?!”

John arched an eyebrow at the shock on his brother’s face. “You can’t possibly tell me you didn’t know.”

But Alan’s stunned expression blatantly said he didn’t. John rolled his eyes. “Honestly, Alan. You have a whole array of fans who love you. And that moment with Virgil is at the top of the charts.”

“But it is so stupid!”

“Why?”

“Because only mothers do that to their toddlers!” Alan’s face was a little red.

“Well, perhaps you will consider that next time you stuff a hot dog in your face before a big presentation. That glob of mustard was visible from space.”

“He could have just told me.”

Patience. “This is Virgil we are talking about. How long have you known him?”

Alan didn’t answer that, because it was obvious. Virgil and of course Scott would always be defacto parents to the rest of the brothers. Hell, John had been twelve when they lost their mother, but he still valued having two older brothers during that time. He had always valued having Scott and Virgil to turn to for support.

His little brother deflated and threw himself into a chair in picture of utter dejection. “It sucks.”

“Really?” John stared at Alan. “Look at the shot and you tell me exactly what you see.”

Stubborn blue eyes looked up and narrowed on the hologram as it replayed over and over again. “I look stupid.”

John sighed. “Read the comments. None of them say you look stupid.” He threw up a few of the better ones. “If anything they say you look loved.”

Alan stared at him.

-o-o-o-

Alan Tracy didn’t remember his mother. She died when he was still a baby. He had stories and photos, but all his life it had just been his older brothers. They were the ones who saw him off at school, they helped him with his homework, they were the ones he went to for help and advice. He still remembered the night he discovered who Santa Claus actually was.

It was their first Christmas on the Island and nine year old Alan had been worried the big red guy would have trouble finding him out in the middle of the Pacific. So, despite the reassurances from both Scott and Virgil, he had set his alarm to wake himself up in the middle of the night.

Two am and he stumbled down the interior stairs of the new building. He could still remember the smell of new paint and wood stain and the slickness of the polished floor under his socks.

At first he had thought the voice was that of his father, but he knew his Dad was in New York for a special meeting. Scott had been rather loud in his argument against the his absence, but their father had left anyway.

Scott had been far from happy and Alan had given him a wide berth for most of Christmas Eve. Virgil had gathered them all for an evening movie, but even that had not fully dulled Scott’s expression. Not that his brother said anything. He just emanated unhappiness from the corner of the new lounge.

As he neared the main living room, he realised it was Virgil talking.

“Dad wouldn’t have gone if it wasn’t important.”

“What possibly could be more important than our family?” Scott’s voice had anger in it, but it wasn’t the angry of him yelling, it was more resigned and defeated.

“He’s doing this for Mom.” Virgil sounded like he was trying to convince himself. Paper rustled. “Hand me the ribbon.”

“Grandma is upset.”

“I know.”

“It isn’t right. This is our first Christmas here. He should be here.”

“Well, he isn’t, so we’ll make the best of it.”

“It isn’t fair to Alan.”

“He’s got us.”

“We’re not his parents.”

“May as well be.”

“Virgil.”

“You said it yourself. Dad’s not here. Mom’s gone. He’s got us. He’s got Grandma. Could be worse.” Another rustle and Alan moved closer to the edge and peered around the corner.

Virgil and Scott were surrounded by wrapping paper in the middle of the circular lounge. Several shapes sat wrapped to one side. On the other there was a pile of shopping bags. A rocket kit almost as tall as him sat in amongst them.

It was the rocket he had asked Santa for Christmas.

His brothers were wrapping presents. Virgil stood up and grabbed an armful of gifts and hauled them out of the sunken lounge and piled them up under the tree just beyond the piano.

What?

“What are you guys doing?” It burst out before he could think.

His brothers looked up, stunned expressions on their faces. “Alan?!”

“Virgil?” He eyed his eldest brother. “Scott?”

Virgil recovered first, Scott was still staring at Alan in shock.

“Hey, Allie, what are you doing up? Bad dream?” His brother put down the presents in his hands and walking around the lounge, headed in Alan’s direction.

“What are you doing?”

“Um...” Scott appeared stuck.

Virgil came up to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “We’re wrapping presents.” He squeezed a hug.

“But Santa...?”

Scott looked down at the wrapping paper in his hands. Virgil drew Alan close and walked him into the sunken lounge. He sat him down and took a seat beside him. “Well, I guess you’re old enough now.”

“Virgil.”

“Scott, he’s old enough.”

Alan frowned as his oldest brother’s shoulders slumped and his whole body sagged. He dropped the wrapping paper in his hands and sat down in defeat, running his hands through his hair. To be honest, that freaked Alan out more than anything. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Allie. Scott’s just had a bad day and he’s tired.”

“Then why isn’t he in bed? Why are you wrapping Christmas presents?” He felt he knew the answer, but it couldn’t be right, could it?

“We’re on Santa duty.” Virgil’s brown eyes were wide and honest and kind of caring.

“Santa duty? But where is Santa?”

Sad blue eyes looked up at him. “There is no Santa, Alan. We wrap the presents and put them under the tree for you.”

Alan stared him. “What?”

“There is a Santa.” Virgil was glaring at his eldest brother. “Just not the Santa you think you know.”

“What?”

“Every year we choose presents and under the guise of Santa, we gift them to those we love. You are now old enough to gift presents to those you love, too. You can be Santa.”

Alan stared at him. “But what about the North Pole and the reindeer and the red suit and...”

“A fairytale.”

“Scott.”

“C’mon, Virg, he’s found us out.”

“He’s found out the truth. That we as a family give each other gifts because we love each other. We don’t need to glam it up anymore.”

“You lied to me?”

Virgil’s eyes widened, but then he sighed. “A little.”

“Why?”

Scott stood up, walked around the centre table and sat on Alan’s other side. “Allie, it’s a coming of age thing.”

“Why?”

Virgil answered. “Because it is sometimes nice to believe there is a little magic in our lives.”

Alan remembered the disappointment he felt at that moment and perhaps the loss of innocence, but of that night, the one thing that still stuck in his mind was the sadness in his brothers’ eyes.

Sure, Virgil was cheerful and positive, and even if Scott had been a little tired and grumpy, he was there and an hour later after wrapping first Gordy’s present, then one for John, he had gone to bed with the new knowledge and a sense of responsibility.

The hugs hadn’t hurt either.

Christmas morning had a little less urgency to run down to the main room and Gordon had to be clapped around the ears by Grandma for teasing him about the whole thing, but it had just become another part of growing up.

That his mother and father had missed.

He didn’t hold it against them. Mom, he never knew, and Dad had to make the sacrifices so other families didn’t have suffer the loss of a parent like they had, but it really just was another example of his two eldest brothers being there for him.

Which really sunk in when he was officially orphaned two years later.

-o-o-o-

Alan continued to stare at John.

“Do you have a problem with being loved?”

“What? Nooo.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m eighteen! They treat me like I’m still a kid!”

“You are still a kid.”

“No, I’m not!”

John held back the instinctive rebuttal and bit the inside of his cheek. “Alan, look at it from Scott’s point of view. He has been your guardian for eight years. Technically he is almost old enough to be your father. It has been his responsibility to look after you for even longer than that. That isn’t something that just switches off.”

“I’m not talking about Scott. I’m talking about Virgil. He’s not my guardian, but he treats me like he is.”

John’s lips thinned. “Don’t you ever say something like that to his face. In fact, don’t bother saying it in front of me again either. We’ve all made sacrifices, Alan, but none more than Scott, and Virgil isn’t far behind. You’d be better to recognise that and be grateful for what you have.”

Alan grumbled. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. They’re great, it’s just...so frustrating.”

“Then perhaps it is your turn to show the patience that has been offered you all these years.”

-o-o-o-

In 2055 the world lost the brilliant entrepreneur, billionaire business man and founder of International Rescue, Jeff Tracy.

Eleven year old Alan Tracy lost his Dad.

He also lost a part of his biggest brother. Scott had been forced to sit idle in Thunderbird One while his father tackled the Hood. He hadn’t been able to do anything but watch the Zero-X explode in front of him.

The whole family had been shattered, but no more than its new head. Scott was driven wild, determined that their father was not dead. The world disagreed, the explosion had been too final, too definite, to be anything but fatal. But Scott refused to believe.

There were arguments. They tried to hide them from the youngest brothers, and yes, at sixteen Gordon was almost as under-aged as Alan. But the pair of them could hear Scott’s strident and commanding voice echo through the house, followed by Virgil’s bellowed contradiction.

The day Alan found Grandma crying in the kitchen was the last straw.

“Grandma?” Did his voice have to sound so small?

She startled and turned. Her eyes were red and wet and, oh god, there were tears on her cheeks. “Grandma? What’s wrong?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear. Umm...I’m just not feeling right at the moment. I’ll be okay.” She reached out and squeezed his shoulder, but the smile was so forced his heart broke.

“Is it because Scott and Virgil are fighting?”

She shook her head, but didn’t seem to be able to say anything.

“Is it because of Daddy?”

And there were tears running down her face and he found himself wrapped in her arms. To his shock, he found he was almost her height, her head resting easily on his shoulder. “It will be okay, Allie.” But her voice was sobbing.

Eventually, she straightened and her smile became brighter and she sent him on his way. Told him to go clean his room, in fact, but Alan had a better idea.

He found them facing off on either side his father’s desk. Holograms hovered over it and his two biggest brothers were glaring at each other through the flickering images.

“It is what Dad would do.”

“You are not Dad.”

“Somebody has to be.”

“Why?! Why Scott? Why can’t we be ourselves?”

“Because this is what Dad would have wanted us to do.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I do! I knew him better than you!”

Virgil took a step back, eyes widening.

Scott echoed his expression as if realising exactly what he had just said. “I didn’t mean that, Virgil. I’m sorry.”

Plaid clad shoulders straightened and squared. “Yes, you did. But regardless, International Rescue was his dream, not ours.”

“So you want to give it up? Just like that?”

“No! As I have said multiple times, we just need to do it differently! We’re down an operative. Gordon and Alan are not old enough to take their places on the team. Hell, they may not even want to! We can only do so much. Give John some time to find his feet, for goodness sake.”

“Time is something we do not have. People will die.”

“People will die anyway! I just want to make sure no Tracys are on that list!” Virgil was leaning over the desk, his big shoulders wound so tight, his shirt look fit to bust a seam.

Alan had intended to yell at them, maybe scream a little for what they had done to Grandma, but instead their words scared him and suddenly he had tears on his cheeks, just like Grandma.

“Allie?” Virgil caught sight of him and within a split second was kneeling on the hardwood in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

It took him a moment to find his voice but he found himself wrapped in soft plaid flannel anyway, big hands rubbing his back.

“You hurt Grandma.” It came out as a sob.

“What? What’s wrong with Grandma?” Scott was standing beside them, his stance immediately ready to go and fix whatever problem Alan was able to point him at.

Unfortunately he was part of the problem.

He pulled away from Virgil and turned on both of them. “You. Both of you. You made Grandma cry. All you do is yell and fight!”

Both brothers froze and his eleven year old heart beat an extra beat in just a tiny bit of triumph. Perhaps they would listen? “Since Daddy died, you’ve done nothing but fight. I hate it when you fight and so does Grandma. Gordon hates it too. He goes swimming to get away from it. I don’t even know where John is. Please stop.” His throat caught again and he almost strangled on a sob. “Please.”

To his horror he realised Virgil had tears in his eyes and that, of course, only set Alan off more. Once again he found himself wrapped in his big brother’s arms. Virgil’s chest rumbled with words, but Alan didn’t understand what he said.

When he surfaced, Scott was no longer in the room.

“Scott has gone to find Grandma, to make sure she is okay.” Virgil wasn’t letting him go and his big brother had red rimmed eyes. Virgil’s voice was little more than a rumble. “I’m sorry, Allie. We’ll try to do better.”

His brother held him for a long time. Eventually Scott and Grandma found their way into the comms room, John was called out of his hidey-hole and Gordon dragged out of the pool. There was much family talking, hugging, a little more crying, but ultimately they worked it out enough to keep going.

The arguments stopped.

Well, mostly. Virgil still brought them out on very special occasions. Usually when Scott was being a pig-headed moron which fortunately wasn’t very often.

Life went on as best it could.

But then Gordon had the hydrofoil accident.

-o-o-o-

There was silence in the lab after that. Alan wasn’t happy, it was obvious, but he didn’t say anything so John just let him stew a while. Let him take the next step in the conversation.

After all, these calculations weren’t going to calculate themselves.

He just made it into that comfortable zone where he knew exactly what he was doing and had to be done, the numbers flowing, the equations dancing to his tune, and...

“What was Mom like?”

John blinked. That came from left field. Numbers dissolved in his head. “What did you want to know?”

“You know, things.”

“Things? You’ve seen the videos.”

“Of course, I have.” Their father, Scott and the budding artist, Virgil, had made many home videos over the years. They still did, knowing exactly what could be taken away in a flash and without notice. So there was plenty of footage of their mother.

Virgil was the brother most often found delving into those files. John had done his fair share of watching late at night when the Earth so far below just didn’t give him what he needed. Eos knew those files well and often offered them without prompt when John was feeling down.

But Virgil was the one who had the most affinity for their mother. Not to devalue any brother’s grief, but as Virgil had been the closest to her, the most like her in both appearance and interests. Knowing her must have been like learning about himself, his art, his music and answering all those questions their father just couldn’t answer.

John had a few of those himself. He had no doubt Virgil had more.

“She was a lot like Virgil is today. If you’re asking if she would have wiped the mustard off your face, I can tell you right now, she did the exact same thing to me on multiple occasions.” It had been quite gross actually. Fortunately, he had learnt fast and removed the stimulus for such an action at an early age.

His musician brother had been fifteen to John’s twelve and Alan’s one year when they had lost their mother. Alan had no memory of her. Gordon at age six had been just old enough to know what he had lost but not really why. John swore that the close bond between Gordon and Virgil had been forged in those early years as their older brother had responded when Scott couldn’t, tied up with the ball of grief that was their father.

It had been a bad time, but they had struggled through it.

“She used to sing a lot. She and Virgil sang together every Christmas.” His brother hadn’t sung much since, the tradition lost to grief. “She was more open than Dad. Less of a stickler for rules, more willing to be flexible.” Their father was military and he fell back on discipline when at a loss.

Scott thrived under his father’s regime.

Virgil did not.

And his resemblance to his mother didn’t help in the slightest.

“Mom knew how to make Dad smile. She loved a good joke. Heh, I swear Gordon gets that from her. Once she put a jack-in-the-box in Scott’s lunch box. He nearly had a heart attack in the school cafeteria.”

“Why would she do that?” Alan frowned up at him.

“She believed in experience being the greatest teacher. She caught Scott boasting about his parents to another kid who was far less fortunate. About all their successes. She didn’t appreciate it and figured Scotty could come down a peg or two. She succeeded.”

“Wow. Scott did that?”

John snorted. “Scott was a kid as much as any of us once. He’d prefer you believed he sprouted fully formed, but no, he had to grow up and make the same stupid mistakes we did.” Half a smile. “He’s far from perfect, but he tries.”

“He certainly does.” Alan grinned a little fondly, but then his face fell and he sighed. “You’re right. I’m being an ass.”

An arched eyebrow. “I never said you were an ass.”

“No, but I am. You guys have been great. I couldn’t ask for more.”

“Except maybe a little less saliva?”

“Eww, yeah, Virg had garlic bread for lunch.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

John couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing.

Alan stared at him a moment longer before his face cracked too.

“Gotta love him anyway, I guess.”

A snort. “Yeah, we do.”

-o-o-o-

Gordon’s career was a fast one. Straight out of high school and into the Olympics. By the time he was eighteen, he had a gold medal hanging on the wall and had started his career in WASP.

Alan missed his fishy brother, but he was ever so proud of him. There had been talk of him joining International Rescue and activating the final Thunderbird once his training and tenure was done. Alan had seen his brother hovering around the slick little yellow submarine and Scott had been heard to wish for the full complement of Thunderbirds to finally be deployed.

The fact John was flying the ‘bird Alan wanted to fly more than anything was beyond frustrating.

Virgil was helping Alan with his physics homework when the call came through.

A familiar face flickered up on the holoprojector at the end of the kitchen table. “Aunt Val. Hey, how are you?” Virgil offered her a smile as Alan surfaced from under the details of pressure, torque, momentum and velocity that were required to tackle the problem at hand.

“Good morning, Virgil. Is Scott available?”

“Unfortunately, no. He’s out on a rescue. Can I help you?”

“Hey, Aunt Val.”

“Alan.” Her expression was grave and something in Alan’s gut twisted.

“What’s wrong?”

Beside him, Virgil sat up straighter. “What is it?”

The Colonel sighed. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news. Your brother Gordon has been in an accident...”

And their world dissolved there and then.

Alan didn’t remember much of those early days. There had been frantic calls to brothers, John limping around because he had crashed to Earth too quickly for his own health. The fear in Scott’s eyes had been terrible.

The sight of his fish brother decked out in medical equipment.

The not knowing.

The terror.

Virgil holding him in the hospital corridor while Alan cried his eyes out all over his shirt.

Scott sitting at his brother’s bed, head bowed down to the sheets clinging to a limp hand.

John, vacant eyed, staring into nothing the night they thought they were finally going to lose Gordon.

Virgil crying in his grandmother’s arms.

Scott kicking a hole in Gordon’s door and making enough racket to wake up the dead.

Gordon answering the call and faintly scolding Scott to keep it down.

The hope that followed.

That first week, their lives froze. Everything stopped. School, IR, regular meals, everything. The outside world kept moving around them, ignoring their pain, but within their family everything stopped, narrowing only to the hospital and their desperately ill brother.

Once Gordon woke up. It started to move again.

Life slowly came back.

It became full of odd moments. Brothers in places he didn’t expect to find them. Gordon’s illness brought out aspects of Alan’s family he didn’t expect.

He had to say that the most unexpected was the day John walked into Gordon’s hospital room with his red hair spiked in all different directions. It was as if he had stuck his fingers in a power socket and sprayed gel into his hair at the same time.

Gordon had laughed himself silly and considering there had been tears half an hour prior, this was a major thing.

Apparently Gordon had dared him once to do it and John had saved it for a special occasion.

Alan made sure he took pictures for history’s sake.

Another day he found Virgil curled up asleep in the chair beside Gordon, his head on his brother’s pillow. The engineer was still in his uniform and covered in dirt. The hospital staff were going to have a fit.

Alan stopped in the doorway and Scott collided with his back with a “What?”

“Shhh...” And Gordon was holding up a very shaky and uncoordinated hand that clearly said ‘Leave him be.’

“What’s he doing here? He’s supposed to back at Tracy Island.” Scott’s voice was a worried whisper.

“B-bad rescue.” Gordon’s voice was as shaky as his hand. “Think he w-want to ch-check I’m ‘kay. Cos they weren’t.”

“Shit.” It was little more than expelled breath.

His big brother disappeared out into the hallway and a moment later they had the full story from John.

A boat. A teenage boy. And a flood. Virgil did his best, but there were limits.

They sat together until Virgil woke up, groggy and miserable. Scott took him out of the room and Alan was left alone with Gordon.

“I should been there.” His brother’s speech was patchy. The hydrofoil he had be travelling in had been at travelling at a ridiculous speed. When one of its foils collapsed, he was very lucky he wasn’t killed. There was a long, long road ahead.

“Wasn’t your fault, Gordon.”

“No, but should be there for him.”

As if that was the starting point. His brother picked himself off the ground and drove himself back to health. It took a lot of work and no small amount of pain, but a year later Gordon Tracy presented himself to the Commander of International Rescue ready for action.

It took another six months and Gordon’s birthday for his brother to be drunk enough to mention to Alan exactly what had happened that afternoon and what Virgil had said to him.

His fish brother held up his glass, grim and serious. “Our big bros are THE BEST.”

Alan smiled, hoping to god Gordon wouldn’t remember this conversation in the morning. The fact Virgil had come off a hell of a rescue, exhausted and upset, and flown in to see Gordon just to sing him a lullaby was baffling. But it had apparently done something for Gordon and for that Alan would ever be grateful.

-o-o-o-

“So what happens when we find Dad?”

John started, suddenly thrown out of old memories. “Uh, whatever needs to happen?”

“Do you think he will be okay? It has been so long.”

Eight years alone in space. “I don’t know, Alan.”

“How did we not work this out earlier? That capsule was sitting down there all that time. Dad has been waiting so long. He’s missed so much.”

John closed his eyes and touched his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “I don’t have the answers, Alan. I’m sorry.”

“I know.” His little brother swallowed. “It’s just that I can’t remember much about him anymore. He’s going to be a stranger.”

“He’s our father. We’ll make it work.” They had to make it work. The guilt was tearing Scott apart. Eight years. Eight long years just because they had missed one piece of the puzzle. Dad could have been home years ago.

The yelling had started again. Scott angry and hurt, Virgil battling to keep him on the straight and narrow and tackling his own guilt at the same time.

John felt the guilt, too. He had looked at everything after the incident. Everything. He had even combed space. Eos had been looking for their father from the day she joined him despite John’s heart telling him it was a lost cause, that Scott was wishing for the impossible, that it had been too long. She had been scanning for three years they still hadn’t found him. Until now, and from a clue that could have...should have been found so long ago.

“I wonder what he looks like.”

John closed his eyes.

“Johnny? You okay?”

“Don’t call me Johnny.”

He received a snort for that. “Yeah, well, I guess it will be good to save Dad and bring him home.”

A frown. “You guess?”

“Well, yeah, it will be great. But you are right.”

The frown deepened and he looked over at his little brother. “I right? With what? You’ve lost me.”

“Well, Scott and Virg are really the ones who’ve been there for me, you know?” Alan rubbed the back of his head. “So, like, they are the closest I have to parents. They were doing that gig even before Dad went missing.”

John stared.

His little brother didn’t notice. Instead he stood up. “Well, I guess I should get out of this uniform. Getting a little ripe, I think. Anyway, thanks for the chat, bro.”

And with that Alan bounced out of the lab as fast as he had bounced in.

John blinked and turned back to the calculations he had been trying to wrangle this entire time.

But the numbers ignored him.

Dad.

Scott.

Virgil.

If they found their father, things were going to change.

John frowned and rubbed his face.

Damn.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

Notes on the Tracy brothers’ ages in this fic:

The conclusions I have come to are based on three things – Alan’s estimated age of 16 in season one, the number of years ago they lost Jeff as stated in season three and counting back using each season as a year with season one being set in 2060, and also the need for the eldest three boys to be adult at the time of the loss of Jeff in order to keep IR running and for Scott to take guardianship of the younger two. So my calculations with a few estimates thrown in are that in 2060 Scott is 31, Virgil 30, John 27, Gordon 21 and Alan 16. I know this is older than generally recognised for TAG and the only age I can be vaguely sure about is Alan’s but there is logic behind these calculations. It does merge it slightly better with TOS, so I think I’ve balanced the two.

Jeff was 24 when Scott was born. Lucy was 22.

Lucy died age 38 when Scott was 16, Virgil 15, John 12, Gordon 6, Alan 1. Jeff was 40.

IR started and they moved to the island when Scott was 24, Virgil 23, John 20, Gordon 14 (not an operative), Alan 9.

Jeff (aged 50) was lost two years later when Scott was 26, Virgil 25, John 22, Gordon 16, Alan 11.

In season three this would make Scott 33, Virgil 32, John 29, Gordon 23 and Alan 18 which is where this story is set.

I generally see Kayo as the same age as Gordon, but in this case she may be a little older, perhaps between Gordon and John.

(It should be noted that in most of my other fics I had the boys generally much younger, but with the canon mention in season three of Jeff having gone missing eight years ago, I have since had to recalculate things otherwise the boys would be too young to keep IR going. In Warm Rain, for example, Virgil is 24 and Kayo 20. This is not possible with the new information of Jeff being missing for eight years because Virgil would have only been sixteen when he disappeared).

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #Alan Tracy #John Tracy #Virgil Tracy #Scott Tracy #Gordon Tracy #tag spoilers #tagspoilers #episode tag

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

Text

Survey #269

“why aren’t you scared of me, why do you care for me, when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”

What’s your sexual orientation? Bisexual. What are you obsessed with right now? lol y'all know my staple stuff I'm always obsessed with, so two recent ones are Skillet (I've been binging soooo hard) and drawing again! What piercings do you want? A lot, jfc. More than any, I want collarbone dermals once I lose enough weight to where they're prominent. I've been on a goddamn weight loss plateau for two years. What’s your favorite show to binge? None. I generally don't enjoy binging too much. Do you watch porn? No, not interested. Do you have a secret sideblog? lol this survey blog. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? No. I very briefly considered getting one pierced, but I won't. Are you angry with anyone right now? Not like... actively. But passively it's there. What tattoos do you want? I refuse to die until I'm P A I N T E D F O R T H E G O D S. Do you like paper books or ebooks better? Absolutely paperback books. It feels more "real," something to dive into, and it's easier to see and understand how far you're in. We talked about this in Writing once, was an interesting convo. Plus the smell of books, aaaaaahhhhh. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? Yes How many followers do you have? On here? *checks* 265. Do you read erotica? No, I'd feel SUPER uncomfortable. That's why 50 Shades has never appealed to me. Have you ever gotten into an accident with you parents’ car? No. Ever thought of just picking up and moving far away? Oh yes. What’s the wallpaper on your computer? My lock screen is the Halo of the Sun from SH, and my actual desktop wallpaper is my favorite closeup of my late pup Teddy. What is the last thing/person you took a picture of? Probably a stupid Facebook meme to show Sara or something lmao. Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular. Otep. Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? I'm sure I could. What is the first vehicle you recall your parents/guardians owning? Mom had a blue/greenish van for most of my childhood, while Dad had this old tan thing that he nicknamed "Frida the Cheetah" lmao. He had that damn car forever. Have you ever seen counterfeit money? Not knowingly. Have you ever lost a pet you were attached to? Well of course. I grew up with tons of pets. What was the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? Probably texting back "fuck you" to Mom when she was being really shitty when I was having a breakdown. Pick one: laundry, dishes, or vacuuming? I'd pick vacuuming over the others any day. Have you ever moved and had to change schools growing up? No. You are forced to move out-of-state. Where do you go? I literally want to move to Canada. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; choose your route. Back roads, probably. You’re going to be a mom/dad; what do you think/do? Have a fucking panic attack. Are you more likely to give up or persist when you’re having trouble? It really depends on the seriousness of the situation, but in most cases I've actually faced, give up. Do you resemble one parent more than the other? I don't think so. Your best friend needs a kidney to survive; do you give them one of yours? If we're compatible, yes. Name a big life event that has taken place for you within the last 2 years. Nothing because my life is incredibly monotonous and stagnant. Name one difficult lesson you’ve learned. Life isn't fair, and life doesn't care. Name one thing you look forward to as you get older. Hey, let's hope I can be a functioning adult before I'm 70. Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying? Yes. Will you usually admit it when you’ve made a mistake? Yeah. Does stress ever affect you physically? If yes, how? Oh, yes. My stomach will absolutely hurt and I sweat more than normal (I say "normal" because I have hyperhidrosis). Did you have a money box as a kid? What shape was it if you did? I don't remember... I know we didn't regularly get an allowance or anything like that, but maybe I'm sure I stored money I was given somewhere? Has kids TV ever frightened you? As a kid, I both watched and feared Courage the Cowardly Dog, lol. Do you have any potted plants in your house? No. If you were born outside of your era, when would you want to be born and why? Early '80s! What a time for music, metal fashion, and fun. If you ran a store, what would you sell/have? IF I was more knowledgeable on more species, probably reptiles and more proper care materials and give advice that's not shit. Places like PetSmart and Petco just... disgust me. What part in a movie would you love to play? If I was confident in acting, probably the maniac lmao. I've experienced enough Crazy for that. What's the oldest article of clothing you own? I don't really know, but I do know Mom has a lot of my and my siblings' shirts as we've grown up to knit together a blanket one day. Fuckin cute as hell. What piece of furniture have you replaced the most? The couch. What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at? Guitar, with that electric twist anyway. What’s the best part of your favorite movie? When Simba roars atop Pride Rock in the storm and all the lionesses join in FUCK I get goosebumps out the WAZOO. What do you think is the most over-rated candy ever? Twizzlers, disgoosting. If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be? LGBTQ+ rights is #1, then... hm... probably the pro-choice argument. Or just women rights in general. Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically? Oh man, my friend Mini. She drew pretty well when we were young, but her skill like... increased exponentially with time. She doesn't draw in a *style* I'm envious of, but that growth tho. Most jealous of….intellectually? Girt. What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed? My brain lmao. A famous person you have met? Nobody. Who were the last five people to text you? Dad, Sara, Ashley, Mom, and my grandma. What is your favorite book that you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Think of the last two people you kissed. Who was more fun? I've explained the "idk if *I* ever actually kissed Girt" before, but just for the sake of the question, I'll just count him. I tbh hated it only ever because why were your lips always wet, sir???? The latest person was Sara, and she kissed fine. If your house was burning down and you only had sixty seconds to grab one or two things, what would you grab and why? Roman and Venus because they're family and I adore them. Out of all the concerts you have been to, which band/singer was the best performer? Alice was great! When was the last time you went miniature golfing? For Jason's and my second or third anniversary, so a long time ago. What’s a song you like from a genre you hate? I always answer this question with a country answer, so let's go rap. Hm. OH, probably a Post Malone song. I actually don't mind him. If you had twin girls what would you name them? Alessandra indisputably, and then the other... maybe like, Josephine. Especially as twins, I'd want two gorgeous, less-heard names. What kind of condoms do you use? I don't use any because I'm not sexually active. Do you say years young or years old [ex: 16 years young or 16 years old]? Man, I miss the days I could confidently say "years young," lmao. Do you have any personality disorders? Avoidant, yes. I'm pretty convinced I have dependent PD, too. Do you shave your arms? Armpits, yes, but not my entire arms. What do you dip your fries in? Ketchup or honey mustard. Has one of your good friends ever moved away? Damn, yeah. I particularly remember this girl from elementary school in I think the 5th grade that I was very close with, yet I don't remember her name now. What color car are you when you play The Game of Life? Dude idr the colors at all. Which hair color do you find the ugliest? I've seen it be pulled off, but generally, yellow. Would you date a guy that wears more make-up than you do? Hell yeah man you fuckin strut that shit. Did you ever play M.A.S.H. when you were little? Ah, I remember that! Sure did. If you were getting married, who would be your maid of honor? My mom. If you have any pets, were they adopted from the humane society? No, but I would of course. Do you like home design, like picking out paint colors and furniture? Not any more than the average person. Do you chew gum on a regular basis? No. List all of your features that you have ever got compliments on: Do you mean just physical? If that's the case, hair, eyes, smile, uh... I feel like that's it. WAIT I can't remember who but someone once called my nose cute. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon, and if not, would you ever want to go in one? No; yes. What type of computer do you have? It's an Acer Nitro 5. Is anyone else in the room with you right now? My snake. Do you whiten your teeth with crest white strips? Not Crest, but a different brand, yes. I hate my teeth. Do you listen to local bands? Not really. I will sometimes listen to an old friend's band, at least bits of what they post on Facebook. Nova Mortis, check 'em out if you like pretty heavy metal. Do you have a pool in your back yard? No, but damn do I wish. Do your parents fight? Do they even talk at all? That's why they're divorced. They, especially Mom, avoid doing so whenever they can. Do you drink alcohol on New Year’s Eve? Usually. Do you wear rings? Just one, a friendship ring w/ Sara. Are there any restaurants in walking distance to your house? It'd be quite a long walk, at least by my standards. What was the last picture you uploaded to your Facebook? A picture of Mom and me. Have you ever listened to the same song on repeat for hours on end? YES. When I find a song I really like, I become VERY obsessive. Like I will play it and play it and play it for days. I in general have an extremely obsessive personality. Do you like staying in hotels? I don't have much of an opinion. It's a nice change of space, though. Are musicals interesting or boring? They're cheesy to me. What is your favorite scent of incense? (If you burn it) Okay, HEAR ME OUT. There is legit a kind called "monkey farts" that smells SO FUCKIN GOOD. Jason used to burn incense in his room all the time and that was my favorite one, so I use it now. Where do you normally hang out on the weekends? At home. I'm always at home, regardless of the day. Can you tune a guitar by ear or do you need a tuner? I never could. Do you like love songs? Generally, yes. They're sweet. Would you rather drink 7Up or Sprite? Fun fact: Sprite used to be my FAVORITE soda as a kid. I even had a fuckin Sprite shirt. Now, I hate it. I haven't tasted 7UP in forever. What is your favorite song as of right now? I'm seriously digging Halocene lately, esp their cover of "bury a friend." Have you ever sex texted? This is gonna sound so stupid, but I'm actually not *totally* sure what that is? Just like, dirty talking or like, virtually RPing sex? The former I did when I was fuckin 12 like a goddamn idiot, but not the latter. When's the last time you went out of state? A year and a half (I think?) ago to visit Sara. What was your favorite TV show last year? I didn't *really* have one, at least not actively. Like I didn't devoutly watch anything. Would you know who to talk to if you wanted weed? HAHA I sureeeee do. I wouldn't want any, though. What is your favorite Beatles song? "Hey, Jude." If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be? I don't want to think about this. What is your favorite energy drink? I don't like energy drinks. Way too intense. Have you ever been to Hooters before? No. When's the last time you tripped? (Literally or, you know) HA, funny I take this survey today because my left foot is either broken or I seriously tore a ligament in it because I fell yesterday. I had to go up a dose on my medication that helps my nightmares, but it's notoriously for lowering your blood pressure, and mine is naturally low. I got up to go to the bathroom and grab breakfast and many times nearly passed out from being so dizzy until I finally fell and my foot bent forward. I couldn't even walk by myself yesterday and am still really struggling today. Our family friend brought the boot she wore when she broke her foot over just a while ago, but if this doesn't help, Mom's demanding I go to the ER. Can you touch your toes? I don't know HOW I can, but I can, I guess from when I did yoga daily and I could pretty much go under my feet. What would you say is the best feeling in the world? Being in love and knowing they're in love with you, too. Have you ever “spoken” to any celebrities via Twitter? No. Do you like croissants? YESSSSSSSSSSS. Do you get a lot of traffic outside your house or not? Yes. Mom explained to me why one day because I'd asked, but idr what she said. Do you eat cereal bars? No, I'm a granola bar person. Would you consider yourself healthy? Uh no. Assuming you could speak and understand the language, would you ever study in a foreign, non-English speaking country? Sure, for like a year or so! Doing that in Germany would be amazing. Are you on any prescribed medication? A lot. Do you know any immigrants? I know an illegal one that got deported. I probably know others. Have you ever lived in university or college accommodation before? No. If you haven’t already, are you scared of leaving home? If you have, do you like it? Very scared. I'm just very dependent and ignorant on how to be an adult. If you could only eat one vegetable for a year (not including potatoes) what would it be? Broccoli. Do you have a certain routine in the bath or shower? What is it? Shave, shampoo, facial scrub, this exfoliating brush for your feet, and then body wash. Is there anything that you loved a year ago but just can’t stand now? Hm. I don't really know. What’s the weirdest meat you’ve ever eaten? I took the SMALLEST bite out of it because I couldn't stomach eating it, but after a lot of convincing I tried a microscopic bit out of deer jerky. If you smoke, what brand of cigarettes do you smoke? If you don’t, have you ever tried? Don't smoke and don't want to. Do you like dried fruit at all? what’s your favorite type? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

#survey #questions #quiz

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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What’s the last NON-SURVEY RELATED thing you typed? I’ve been texting my gf and my dad

Are you currently in a complicated situation with someone? I am

When was the last time you were really grossed out? today?

What was the last thing to make you laugh? this song

Was the last hoodie you wore too big for you? that’s how I like them

Is your pet currently being annoying? my dog is very rarely annoying if at all, usually it’s not his fault anyway

Do you know someone who has 5 or more siblings? my grandma had many siblings but it was normal for her times

Do you prefer movies at home or movies at the theatre? home

When’s the last time you had a rock, paper, scissors match? long time ago

What would your name be if you were a boy? hopefully Nataniel (or Sam if it was english name)

The forever on-going question: Is Twilight stupid or actually brilliant? dumb af

Finish the sentence: Remember, remember… I’m bad at dates but I know what it’s from

Did you understand Shakespeare? I didn’t enjoy Shakespeare, I think he’s not that clever - instead of rhyming he was creating his own words, cool thing to invent your own words but why rhyming then if you really can’t without that?

Can you differentiate between the words “your” and “you’re?" I can

Do you use hair ties as bracelets? at times

When did you learn the ninja turtles were named after Renaissance artists? it was obvious

Would you tell your co-workers what underwear you have on? why would they want to know?

How far do you live from your parents? I live with them

Are you happy with how much money you make? I don’t make my own money

Do you believe in staying “healthy”? I tried and ended up worse than those who didn’t :(

Do you answer your phone on the first ring? never

Do you sleep with the curtains or blinds on your window open? hell no

Would you stay at a haunted hotel? don’t wanna bother ghosts nor tempt my fate

Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to your house that you didn’t order? that happened to my dad at work once

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever encountered while at a hotel? nothing luckily

(Insert random song lyric of your choice here): But our love, was a song, sung by a dying swan

Can one person really make a difference? one stinky man in a bus makes everyone sick so think about it

Ring the bell for service or wait patiently for a minute first? wait

Do you honestly know how to play Monopoly or just make up rules as you go? we make up rules as we go playing Scrabble to make my mom happy lmfao

Be honest… ever peed in the pool? once

Have you ever fallen off of a treadmill while walking/running? was I ever on a treadmill?...

Do you drink milk/juice right from the bottle/carton, or pour yourself a glass? pour!

Do you hide when Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on your door? I pretend I’m not home

If you farted in front of your significant other, would he/she care? omg

Must you grab a souvenir from almost everywhere you go? ... yes

Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater? Which one? nope

Did you enjoy making things out of Play-Doh as a child? I loved the smell

Are you currently sleepy? not really

Was the last movie you watched a horror film? nooo

Do you own a lot of tee shirts? shitload

Do you handle pain well? compared to people I know - very

Have you ever been so nervous you threw up? I would throw up all the time then, glad I don’t do that outta being nervous, phew

Do you have a leather jacket? fake

Do you think hugs are awkward? often

Has anyone ever been weirdly obsessed with you? could say so

If you’re reading a book, what page are you currently on? I'm not

you’re getting ready to go to bed and the last person that you kissed shows up, what do you say? woah in the middle of the night? why?! what happened? :o What does the last text say? no ja wiem

What do you think the last person that you kissed is doing right now? she’s doing survey that I made and sent her Was your last text message from a girl or boy? gal How’s your day been? ugh... What were you doing at eight this morning? slept Are you afraid of shots? no When was the last time that someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug? yesterday Would you rather write in pen or pencil? pen Could you date someone who can’t make you laugh? if they laughed at my jokes Are you wearing your favorite color right now? I don’t Describe how you feel right now in one word? anxious What are you listening to? Fever Ray are you ready for kids right now? I'll never be Were you an adorable baby? pfft

Do you prefer water or land? land Would you consider yourself to be mature? at times only At your workplace, are you required to wear a uniform? used to Is sarcasm like a second language to you? maybe Have you ever witnessed a physical fight in real life? nothing like in an action movie tho What do you think of people who get drunk every weekend? disgusting, stupid, I hate them Do you require a lot of private time? I do Do you use a lot of hair products? shampoo only Does it bother you when people copy your actions? especially when they laughed at me for that first and then been complimented

When was the last time you had a nightmare? tonight

Have you ever made up a secret language? I made up a language to my book that you can truly use

Were you born before 1992? I was born exactly in 92

If you got married now, how old would you be by your 50th wedding anniversary? dead 78

What did you do last New Year’s Eve? spent time with my parents as usual, I like it that way

Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medications for it? I do and I was taking meds that fucked me up even more >.< What was the last thing someone said to you that you kept repeating over & over in your head? I’m still wondering what my gf didn’t want to tell me last evening but not only just that

If you could, would you work from home? I’d love to <3 What were you like in middle school? I had some phases because I finally stopped wanting to fit in Which do you think is harder: realizing you haven’t changed, or realizing you have? if changed for worse then it’s obviously harder Have you ever won some sort of prize or prize package from a contest? What did you win? more than one thing/contest Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? horrors, Gummo, Pentameron?... What one thing has always bothered you, but seems to bother no one else? smells and sounds for example Do you still own VHS tapes? we do

Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? some

How often do you use Facebook? everyday What is the fanciest restaurant you have been to? those were wedding parties took place? What is the worst damage that your car has seen? I don’t have a car When was the last time you got a new ringtone? recently Have you ever peed yourself from laughing? luckily not

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wildflower-daydreamer · 6 years ago

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I Want Some More - A Jonsa One-Shot Story

I Want Some More by Dan Auerbach

You got the tenderness that I been searching for / Oh, I want some more / You got sweet lips like I did never taste before / Oh, I want some more Everything you've got / Is just what I've always wanted / Right down to a T / Nothing about you that don't please me I'm just a kid and you're a walkin' candy store / Oh, I want some more You got the tenderness that I been searching for / Oh, I want some more, yeah / You got sweet lips like I did never taste before / Oh, I want some more Everything you've got / Is just what I've always wanted / Right down to a T / Nothing about you that don't please me I'm just a kid and you're a walkin' candy store / Oh, I want some more

Sansa arrived at Theon’s party late and had to park far down the crowded street from his house. She had a previously planned girls night out with a few of her coworkers that she didn’t want to cancel on. Oh well, at least I made it, she thought as she smoothed out her dress and made her way down the long street.

“Sansa! Sansa, you are late! It’s my birthday and you are late,” a drunk Theon shouted when he spotted her coming through the front door. He ran up to her, threw his arm around her shoulders and walked her in, his face close enough to hers where she could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Why are you so late?“

“I told you, birthday boy, I had previous plans with my coworkers and you only just told me last night about your party.“

“Where are your lady friends? You can make up your lateness to me by bringing your lady friends.“

“They went home, Theon, I’m sorry.“

“Well let’s get you drunk!“

“Sorry, that isn’t happening either, I have my car here so I gotta drive home.“

“What? No, no, no. You can stay the night here with me!“

“Stop pestering my sister, Greyjoy,“ Robb called out and rescued Sansa from Theon’s drunkenness by steering her towards his girlfriend Margaery.

“Thanks, Robb,” Sansa said gratefully as they walked away and Theon turned his attention to some other girls.

“No prob. I’m glad I got to say hi to you before Marg and I take off.“

“Aw, you’re leaving me already?“

“Yeah, we gotta get up early for brunch with my grandma,“ Margaery said. “Sorry, Sans. Arya’s still around here somewhere though. And Jon,“ she said with an obvious wink.

“Oh God, you’re not still crushing on him are you, Sans?“ Robb asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Shhh! I’m not ‘crushing on him’, Robb,“ Sansa said quietly and punched his arm while giving Margaery a warning look. She said goodbye to them and went off to find her little sister Arya.

Sansa always had a bit of a crush on her brother’s best friend. He was always around when they were growing up and Jon was older, independent, sometimes aloof and broody, and completely different than the spoiled rich kids in her class. Instead of fawning over him like her friends did with their consistently changing crushes, Sansa tried to put on an air of sophistication and mystery in hopes it made her seem more mature than the other girls her age. Arya would tell her she was acting like a stuck up snob but Sansa didn’t realize that until she got to college and started to act like herself. Now she was 25. A few boyfriends came and went, some bad, some decent. But she still kept her feelings for Jon. He was now one of her good friends. She had to sit through his relationship with the wild and crazy Ygritte, which lasted about six months. But then, the following New Year’s Eve, the Starks threw a party at their house and they were all pretty drunk. Right as it turned midnight and everybody was cheering or kissing, Jon grabbed Sansa’s face and kissed her. She could taste the alcohol on his lips just as he could probably taste hers and it wasn’t as graceful as a sober kiss could be, but it still made Sansa’s heart flutter. She went to sleep that night hopeful of what may come out of it. But nothing did, it was like Jon had been so drunk that he didn’t even remember kissing her. And Sansa didn’t want to embarrass herself by bringing it up to him when it obviously meant nothing besides a drunk and friendly New Year’s kiss. That was four months ago and Sansa could still feel his full lips on hers.

Sansa found Arya talking with their friend Brienne and joined in their conversation. Not long after, a happy-drunk Jon came bounding over, stood behind Sansa and wrapped his arm around the front of her shoulders.

“Sansa, you made it!“ he exclaimed and kissed the top of her head.

“Hi, Jon, you seem very happy,“ Sansa said with a laugh, relishing their physical closeness.

“Of course I am! We barbecued some yummy food, I’ve had plenty of my trusty Jameson, all our friends are here, and you’ve now graced us with your loveliness!“

After a while, Arya and Brienne decided to leave. Sansa looked around and realized it was mostly Theon’s old fraternity friends left so she found Jon to tell him she was going to head home too.

“Yeah, I was just gonna order up an Uber home,“ Jon said, feeling his pockets to find his phone. “Shit. I went to Robb’s place before this and we drove together. My house keys are still at his apartment.” He pulled out his phone and called Robb. “Hmmm, he’s not answering, they must be asleep.” Jon then looked at her with puppy dog eyes that made her giggle. “Sansa, can I crash at your place?”

“What, you don’t want to stay the night with Theon?“ she teased.

“Dear God, no! I barely tolerate sober Theon, drunk Theon is the worst.“

“Of course you can stay with me,“ Sansa laughed.

“You sure? I’m not imposing upon you or anything?“

“Of course I’m sure, it’s no problem.“ They walked out the front door and into a warm spring rain. “Well damn, of course my car is parked far away,“ Sansa said, pointing in the direction of where she parked.

“Let’s go!“ Jon took her hand and they ran, laughing up the street. When they finally hopped into her car, their clothes were soaked. As she drove them to her apartment, Jon rested his hand on her thigh and turned his body to face towards her. She glanced over at him and he had a goofy look on his face and his eyes were trying to stay focused on her.

“You’re really pretty.“

“Random, but thanks,“ she replied with a little laugh

“Like more than pretty. You’re fucking gorgeous. Devastatingly beautiful.”

“Thank you, Jon,” she said shyly, highly aware of his hand running up and down her thigh. Within 15 minutes, she pulled into her parking spot at her apartment complex. “Okay, we’re gonna have to make a break for it through the rain again.”

“1, 2, 3, go!” Jon exclaimed. They jumped out of the car and Jon once again took her hand as they ran for her door.

“Okay, I have a pair of Robb’s sweatpants that I stole from him. You can wear that and I’ll put your clothes in the dryer,“ Sansa said once they were inside.

“You stole Robb’s sweatpants? Ooooo, I’m gonna snitch on you!“ Jon said, immediately taking of his shirt and revealing his impeccable body.

“No, don’t! He thinks he lost them and they’re just so dang comfortable,“ she said, pulling them out of her drawer and throwing them to Jon. He went into the master bathroom to change and when he came back out, she took his clothes and popped them in the dryer. She took her turn in the bathroom to change into her pajamas and wash her face. When she came back into the bedroom, Jon was sitting on her bed and scrolling through his phone. Oh God, where should I suggest he sleep? Is it too obvious if I tell him he can share my bed? she thought to herself. He looked up at her as she strode into the room.

“Sansa, you’re just the best. Come sit with me,“ his speech was still slightly slurred as he grabbed her hand and pulled her onto the bed next to him.

“You’re the best too, drunky.“

“Why are you so sexy?“ Jon asked, pushing a few strands of her hair behind her ear.

“Jon, I’m in pajamas and there’s nothing on my face, there’s nothing sexy happening right now,“ she laughed.

“No, you’re always sexy, no matter what you’re wearing. You’re perfect, it’s just a fact.“

Is this just the alcohol talking? Sansa thought to herself.

“Hold on,“ Jon said, picking up his phone and scrolling through a Spotify playlist with the simple title of “S”. Once he selected a song, the opening tunes of “I Want Some More” by Dan Auerbach began to play. Jon suddenly got up and stood in front of Sansa. “This song is about you, Sans. This is what you do to me.” He began to roll his pelvis to the music towards her. Sansa’s mouth dropped.

“What in the name of Magic Mike is happening right now? Where am I? Who are you? You’re not Jon Snow,“ she laughed while appreciating his shirtless body dancing sexually towards her.

“Okay, okay, fine, I’m not a dancer,“ he said, giving up and sitting back down next to her.

“I mean...you weren’t terrible. But what’s happening right now? Why are you saying this song is about me?“

“Because your sweet lips are really like nothing I’ve ever tasted before and I want more of it,“ Jon said, his already alcohol-flushed face turning more red.

“You remember that kiss?“ Sansa asked, surprised.

“Of course I do, it was only the best moment ever!“

“So then why didn’t you say anything about it after that night? I thought you were so drunk that you didn’t remember you did that.“

“I’m a coward. I had to get that drunk just to get the balls to do it that night.“

“And now you want more? Is this just the alcohol talking? You wanna hook up whenever you’re drunk?” Sansa asked, trying not to feel slightly hurt by the notion.

“No. Not just when I’m drunk. All the time, Sans.”

“But you’ve never said anything.“

“Like I said, I’m a coward. The alcohol makes me brave enough to do something about it. But when I’m sober, I’m too shy to talk to you about it or ask you out. You’re perfect, Sansa. Just like the song says, everything you’ve got is just what I always wanted. Right down to a T, nothing about you that don’t please me.” He sang the lines with the song as he took her hands in his, making Sansa giggle.

“How long have you felt like that?“

“Since we were kids,“ Jon answered sheepishly.

“No way.“

“Yes way. So, tell me, am I just making a fool out of myself here?”

“No. I mean you did try to Magic Mike me and I won’t ever let you live that down. But I’ve actually had feelings for you since we were kids too.“

“You’re lying.“

“Absolutely not.“

“But you seemed like you didn’t want anything to do with me until we actually became friends when you got older.“

“Yeah, that was my attempt to act cool and mature. It really did come off as bitchiness, didn’t it?“ Sansa laughed.

“It was...an endearing bitchiness,” Jon joked. “So...do you still feel the same way about me?“

“It never went away,“ she said slowly. “Ugh, this isn’t fair that I’m talking about this sober while you get to be drunk!”

“So let me get this straight...I like you...you like me...I think we should do something about that.“ Jon’s eyes were on her lips and his hand went up and entwined in her hair. “I’ve waited so long to make you feel good.” Her body slightly quivered in anticipation. This was what Sansa wanted, for all of her feelings to be out in the open, to know that Jon felt the same way, to taste his lips on hers again. No, not like this, Sansa suddenly thought.

“Wait,“ she whispered. His lips were so close to hers and she wanted them so bad. She leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes. “I want this. More than anything. But I need to know you feel the same way when you’re not drunk. It’s just that you seem more drunk tonight than you were on New Year’s Eve, and you couldn’t even acknowledge the kiss afterwards. What if you don’t even remember all of this tomorrow? You danced for me, that’s how drunk you are.”

“I can promise you I’ll feel the exact same way when I’m sober and I’ll wish I could forget my dancing act,“ Jon laughed. “But I get it, Sans,” he said and placed a light kiss on the tip of her nose. “I’ll prove it to you tomorrow and I’m gonna make sure you feel good.” Sansa smiled and bit her lip. “God, you don’t even know what you do to me!“

“Let’s go to sleep, Magic Mike,“ Sansa teased as she laid back on her bed and pulled him down with her.

“Please, please don’t tell anyone about that!“ Jon laughed as they got under the covers.

“Fine. But expect me to make fun of you for it in private.“

“Deal.“

Sansa faced away from him but nestled her back against his chest while he draped his arm over her and pulled her closer. “I’ve wanted exactly this for so long,” Jon said sleepily. Sansa drifted off to sleep with a smile on her face.

The next morning, she woke up and realized they had stayed in the same position throughout the night. She smiled to herself as she heard his soft snores behind her. But that smile soon turned to nerves. What if he’s just a horny drunk? she thought. She carefully slid out of bed so she wouldn’t wake him up and took a shower. When she was done, she threw on her little robe and quietly opened the bathroom door to the bedroom. She found Jon awake, sitting up in her bed and rubbing his eyes.

“How’re you feeling, big guy?“ Sansa teased as she bushed out her hair.

“Not too bad, surprisingly. Just in desperate need of mouthwash.“

“Medicine cabinet,“ Sansa said with a smile.

“Thank God,“ Jon said and went to the bathroom. When he was done, he stood in the doorway and leaned against it. “So. I danced for you.“

“That is a fact, yes,” Sansa laughed. Okay, he remembers things. But does he really feel the way he said he does? Moment of truth, Sansa thought nervously.

“Sans, I meant every word I said last night,” he said, his voice shy as he looked at her. “You really are perfect and you really are everything I’ve ever wanted. For me, that song really was about you. I wish I wasn’t so embarrassing about it, but it is what it is,“ he said with a nervous laugh. “I’m sure I wasn’t all that eloquent last night. But not only are you sexy and devastatingly beautiful, you’re the sweetest person I know, you just want to take care of people and make sure they’re happy, you’re smart and creative, you know how to take care of yourself and you��re great at your job. You’re you and it’s perfect.“

“Jon -“ Sansa was nearly speechless.

“Okay, this is going to be embarrassing for me,“ he said and crossed the room to grab his phone. He once again opened Spotify and pulled up the same “S“ playlist. “I’ve had this for a long time now. Constantly adding songs I hear that make me think of you.“ He handed the phone to her as she leaned against her dresser.

“S is for Sansa?“ she asked, looking over at him as he watched her nervously and sat on the edge of the bed. She gave a quick scroll through the playlist, spotting songs she knew and some she didn’t. There was “I Found You“ and “Be Mine“ by Alabama Shakes. A few Black Keys songs like “Everlasting Light“, “The Only One“, “Girl Is On My Mind“, and “Your Touch”. Another song by Dan Auerbach called “Never In My Wildest Dreams.“ The list went on and on but as soon as she spotted “I Want Some More”, she clicked play and put the phone down. She looked over at Jon with a sly smile and bit her lip. She came to him, leaned down and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was full and passionate and she could hear a small, relieved sigh escape Jon’s mouth.

“So, you want some more of this?“ Sansa teased after she pulled away.

“I want more of everything with you,“ he whispered, his hands grazing the sides of her body until they came to a rest on her hips. “Can I take you out to dinner tonight?“

Sansa smiled and nodded. She then started swaying her hips to the music. “Since you gave me a little taste of your moves last night, maybe it’s only fair that I give you a taste of my own.” She peeled Jon’s hands off her hips and turned around, still swaying her body to the music. She slowly lowered until she was very lightly grinding her ass on Jon’s lap.

“Fuck.” Jon’s voice was filled with awe and need. Sansa turned around again, put a knee on either side of him on the bed and straddled his lap. His hands grabbed at her hips and pulled her closer. He looked up into her face and she bit her lip again. Jon let out a sexy groan and covered her lips with his. As he pulled away from the kiss, he lightly bit her lower lip and pulled at it. “I believe last night I told you I’m going to make you feel good today.“

“Yes, you definitely did say that,“ Sansa whispered into his ear as she licked and nibbled his earlobe.

“It’s only right that I make good on that promise.“

“By all means,“ she said breathlessly, feeling Jon’s hand skim lightly over the fabric covering her breast. His thumb traced circles around her hard nipple. “Please,“ Sansa quietly pleaded. Jon planted kisses from her neck and down the middle of her chest where the robe didn’t cover. When he got to the sliver of skin between her breasts, Sansa felt his hands slowly sliding the robe off her shoulders. His hand covered one breast while he licked, sucked, and nibbled at the other. Sansa’s back arched as she moaned, she could feel herself getting wetter on Jon’s lap.

All of a sudden, Jon’s hands grabbed her ass, he stood up with her, and swiftly laid her on the bed. He laid next to her, propped up on his elbow and, kissed her lips, along her jaw, and down her neck. “I need to taste more of you,” he said in a low voice. Sansa entwined her hand into his hair and pulled his lips to hers as she spread her legs open. Jon’s hand traveled down her chest, untied her robe and pushed it open. His hand gently caressed her between her legs, making Sansa moan into his mouth. Jon smiled his small, sexy smile at her and moved down her body. He licked her up with a hunger and desire as Sansa moaned and screamed and called out his name until she came apart.

“Oh my God, Jon,“ Sansa panted as he kissed his way up her body. “I feel like I can’t move.”

“Good,“ he smiled. “But I’m sorry to break it to you, you gotta move. We need to go get my keys from Robb’s place before they go off to brunch.“

“Mmmmm, but what about you?“ Sansa sultrily said as she grazed her hands down his abs and over his sweatpants covered crotch.

“Fuck,” he muttered and closed his eyes. “I need a shower, preferably a cold one. How about we continue this after our first ever date tonight?“

“Deal,“ Sansa smiled.

#jonsa #jon x sansa #jon snow #sansa #game of thrones #fanfic #modern au

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harry-sussex · 6 years ago

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“Why do you care that Prince Harry got engaged? What does that have to do with you?”

When I hear these questions, I think of the weeks before and after November 27, 2017. And I think of the following story, one that is incredibly personal, but one that means so much to me.

This time last year, things in my life were... not so good, to put it simply.

Over the week of Thanksgiving 2018, the following things happened:

My boyfriend had just broken up with me weeks before, and my best friend and I weren’t speaking. I was lonely and sad and heartbroken and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because my best friend and I were on bad terms.

My dad got on an emergency plane to Ohio to discuss treatment and surgical options because my older sister had just been diagnosed with Stage 2 Breast Cancer.

My grandma, who was in a private room in a nursing home at the time, was forced to move to a double room, and she did not react well (she would die barely a month later). I had to be there multiple times a week to ease her into a roommate situation, after 16 years of living alone.

I was forced to manage an entire office during the holiday season by myself because my boss was on vacation and my dad was with my sister.

Between the nursing home, my extended family, my clients, and my boss, my phone rang seventy-two times the day before Thanksgiving. 72. That doesn’t include calls I made myself. All while I was trying to wrap things up at work, peek in the nursing home to check on my grandma, and handle cooking dinner.

Because my dad was in Ohio, I had to cook all of Thanksgiving dinner by myself.

My dog ripped his ear open on something while I was at work the day before Thanksgiving and I had to run him to the vet mere minutes before they closed. He got blood all over my apartment and guess where Thanksgiving was held last year? You guessed it - my apartment.

My dad arrived home at 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve, and I couldn’t get down to the city to pick him up from the airport while still cooking dinner. My mom and my sister couldn’t handle the traffic so he had to take an Uber all the way to my house, except his phone was at 1% battery and he had never taken an Uber before. My dad is... not fond of doing new things, to put it lightly. I spent an hour on the phone - instead of doing the nine million other things I needed to do - because he’s kind of helpless, not going to lie.

Then Thanksgiving Day came. My dad was supposed to get up early and give me a hand with everything. They were at my house - all three of them - and I could have used a hand with the turkey, the stuffing, etc. But, I didn’t get an ounce of help. They kicked back, relaxed, and talked a lot about how tired they were from their busy week. They drank. I didn’t get to kick back and relax, and I’d argue my week was the busiest out of all of theirs.

I didn’t say a word. I was tired, I was hurt, I felt lonely and abandoned and used. I didn’t say a word.

Hours and hours and hours later, everybody was gone, except for my parents. My dad fell asleep on the recliner, my mom was watching TV on the couch, and I - finally, after a long day of cooking and cleaning and acting the happy hostess - had time to take a peek at my phone.

And when I got to Tumblr, I knew something big was happening. Rumors were buzzing about Prince Harry getting engaged. These rumors weren’t just regular tabloid fodder, either. We knew that Ms. Meghan Markle was in London, and that she had just gotten a manicure and a facial. We had only recently seen them together for the first time at the Invictus Games in Toronto, so we knew their relationship was serious. We knew that even the most reputable royal reporters were murmuring amongst themselves. People who hadn’t been on Tumblr for months, years, even, were coming back in droves to be here for when the bomb finally hit - for when The Prince of Wales announced the engagement of Prince Harry to Ms. Meghan Markle.

Needless to say, I was freaking out. Once I pieced things together, I literally screamed. In doing so, I woke up my dog, and, more unfortunately, my dad. He was stressed, he had been drinking, he was tired, and he hates being woken up. I’m not going to get into the details, but the ensuing few hours were... not fun. I had all but forgotten about the good news that Prince Harry may be engaged. Things at home were just too miserable.

Then, the next day... nothing. And the next day. And the next day. And I had all but forgotten about the one tiny thing that made me happy on Thanksgiving Day, the one glimmer of hope and happiness between a terrible week and a terrible end to my holiday.

And then, Monday morning, I knew my dad was still feeling guilty - as he should have. I wasn’t answering his calls or texts really, not since he left my house the Friday before. But, at 6:30 AM on the morning of November 27, 2017, I got the text from my dad that changed my entire mood, my entire week, month, year, even:

“Happy engagement”

When I first read it, groggy after waking up on a Monday morning, I had no clue what it meant. And then - I realized. I checked the Kensington Palace Twitter and Instagram feeds, and then I checked Tumblr. I swore I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Once I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn’t dreaming, that what I was reading was real....

I screamed, and then I cried. The happiest tears I remember crying in so long.

I threw my personal laptop in my bag and sped to work early so I could watch the photocall live. When my dad got to work, I was engrossed in my personal laptop. Prince Harry and his fiance were on TV for the world to see and nothing, nothing could wipe the smile off my face. Family and friends were calling me to tell me. My grandma - 88 years old and all but deaf, miserable in her own right - called me, yelling into the phone to tell me that Prince Harry was off the market. My friends - many of whom were there when I stayed up all night for Princess Charlotte’s birth, who watched me take so much happiness from these strangers across the pond but who never cared themselves - called me as they woke to the morning’s news. I could hear the smile in many of their voices when we spoke. Their smiles had nothing to do with Prince Harry and his new fiance - they had everything to do with me. Me and my happiness. I will never, ever forget that.

It may be strange to be that emotionally invested in the lives and happiness of a stranger. I don’t pretend that it’s normal. But that Monday morning, after all of the horrible things that had happened in the previous week, and after a terrible few months, my heart lifted and my soul was healed, if only temporarily. The happiness of these two strangers - one of whom I had loved for years and years and years - was everything to me that day. Come to think of it, their happiness makes me happy, even now. Sometimes, it’s hard for me to be happy all by myself. But that day, when the engagement of Prince Harry’s engagement to Ms. Meghan Markle was announced, I felt so happy, so purely, purely happy. I needed something like that after the weeks prior, and Prince Harry delivered. I will forever be grateful for the timing of his engagement.

When the engagement interview aired, I couldn’t believe that I was watching it with my own two eyes. I shut the phones off at work, locked the door, and even got my dad to watch with me. He was sitting there, mostly watching me. He’s not interested in the royals but he knew what this meant to me. Watching Harry and Meghan together, officially, for the first time, was everything to me. Everything. My heart soared watching him shiver at the word “husband,” hearing them talk of their trip to Botswana, hearing Meghan talk about William and Catherine’s support, hearing about her having tea with the Queen and the corgis... the entire time. I’m pretty sure I was a mixture of smiley and teary and ecstatic for the entire twenty minutes. I cannot begin to put into words the feeling. It was everything to me.

Did the engagement of Prince Harry to Ms. Meghan Markle bring peace on Earth? Did it end hunger and poverty and prejudice and violence, or fix the environment? No. Not at all. But on that day, on November 27, 2017, their engagement helped me. I have always, always loved Prince Harry, but their engagement sealed the deal for me. Their happiness that day saved me, if only for a little while. I will forever be grateful for the both of them for providing me that.

The first time I saw my grandma after the engagement, I joked about the two of us going to London to watch The Royal Wedding. She was 88, mostly bedridden, and couldn’t even make it out of the nursing home to come to Thanksgiving. Yet, we joked about going together. I would pick her up at the nursing home, I’d drive us to JFK, we’d get on the plane, and then I’d bring a wheelchair and wheel her to the wedding myself. We joked about it a lot. She didn’t even have a passport and there was no way she could sit through a six hour flight, but when I thought about going to London to watch Prince Harry’s wedding, for some reason, I always thought about bringing her with me.

Less than a month after their engagement was announced, my grandma died. 2:30 AM on the morning of December 26th, just barely missing Christmas. I won’t get into the details of that day, but I was heartbroken. I had just seen her the day before for Christmas Day, and she was happy and vibrant and full of life, and then she was gone. Just like that.

A few weeks later, I made a decision. I was going to England to watch The Royal Wedding, and I was going alone. My grandma would have been so happy, so proud - once I came back safely, that is.

The wedding came and went, and my trip to England came and went. I had a fantastic time. I cried the entire time watching Prince Harry and his bride, the new Duke and Duchess of Sussex, pledging their lives to each other in front of the world’s audience. It was an amazing experience and I will never regret getting on that plane. Never.

When I came home, I went to go see my grandma’s grave. The grass still hadn’t grown over where they buried her completely. I sat down in the grass, and told her, “I went to England, Grandma. I saw Prince Harry get married.”

When I think back to the engagement of Prince Harry and Ms. Meghan Markle, of course I think of the heartache and pain I was experiencing in my own personal life. But, more importantly, I think of the pure, unbridled joy that was in my heart when I read the good news. Their happiness made me happy. Their happiness continues to make me happy. I will never, ever apologize for that.

Today, I’m doing much better. Can I prove that my happiness started coming back after their engagement? No.

But, in my soul, I feel like parts of myself started coming back after I got on that plane to watch their wedding. I had lost myself to depression and anxiety for a long time, for many, many years before their relationship even started.

But, when I got on that plane, I felt myself coming back. For the first time in so long, I felt parts of myself coming back. And I can attribute that feeling of wholeness, of happiness, of pure joy, all the way back to the engagement of Prince Harry and Ms. Meghan Markle on November 27, 2017.

So when I hear, “Why do you care that Prince Harry got engaged/married? What does their relationship have to do with you?” I think, nothing. It has nothing to do with me. But their happiness, their well-being, that has everything to do with me. I never thought that two strangers across the pond could bring so much joy to my life, but I am forever, forever grateful that they did.

#my post #personal #long post #prince harry #duke of sussex #meghan markle #duchess of sussex

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averymessyxmas · 6 years ago

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Chapter 12: Christmas Eve Eve Dinner Explosion! 2 days till Christmas!

(No Pov’s)

It was the day before Christmas Eve. Sharice had hired a photographer to take family pictures. She was nervous about the dinner. It was going to be a big dinner, Sharice just felt that shit might pop off but she pushed it away. “Okay yall let’s get these pics out the way” She said. Danielle had come earlier that morning with the kids and everyone got in their matching Pajamas. Each family took a separate photo. Janessa and Dylan with Chase. Michael and Vada did Christmas Engagement pictures. Andre and Norielle took the time to do a Maternity Shoot together. Narkim had Denisha and him wear the same outfit and took pictures. Although Nylah and Damien were rocky with their friendship, they took playful pictures in the snow. Sharice took some with Stephan. MJ and Danielle and Leiana and Christian. Christian Leiana took pics with Chase as well. Then the whole family took pictures in their pajamas. Sharic hired a video camera staff as well to shoot every moment with the family. It was going on Dinner time when Malcom Sr. And Kristen had showed up. Malcom Sr. had drunk half a bottle of Jack before coming into his old house. Sharice had the whole family take Pics with him and her. Norielle went back to hiding her pregnancy, fearing her dad would cause a Scene. “Daddy this is Andre my boyfriend” Norielle said to Malcom Sr. He looked Andre up and down and shook his hand firmly. “Nice to meet you young man, we will talk more at dinner”. Norielle sighed and Andre rubbed her back. Sharice had purposely placed everyone in a certain seat based on family and to avoid arguments. She put Janessa and Dylan near Andre and Norielle, to avoid Malcom Sr. Everyone sat down and Sharice and Malcom Sr. stood up to say their speech as Luther Vandross “Have yourself a little Christmas” played in the background. “Im so happy we are all together with new faces, and some families of your own” Sharice said smiling. Everyone lifted their glass. “Let’s have an amazing night and share new memories”. She said. Malcom Sr. began to speak. “I would like to say thank yall for coming and would like to Thank some of you for never disappointing me” He said. Everyone sighed and some groaned and roll their eyes. Malcom Sr came to start shit. The food was placed on the table and everyone talked amongst themselves. Malcom Sr had Kristen fix his plate as he looked around the table to see who he should call out first. “Well Daddy, Michael and I are getting married” Vada said happily. Malcom Sr. smiled at Michael. “I’m very happy to hear that but he didn’t get my approval and yall can’t get married till he does” Vada smile faded, and she rolled her eyes. “Well maybe if you were here instead of with this little girlfriend of yours he could have asked” Vada snapped having a little liquor courage. Michael covered his face. “Baby, please” He said to Vada. Malcom Sr. looked at Vada, giving her a look, he would give his children back in their younger days. “Narkim, Your school called me the other day asking me, If you were planning to enroll back soon, they miss you and think you have a bright future”. Malcom Sr. said looking at Sharice. Sharice looked at Narkim. “Why would the school call your father about going back to school aren’t you in school?” She asked him. Denisha grabbed Narkims hand under the table. “Umm school just isn’t for me” He stated. Sharice chuckled, downing her wine. “It’s this girl that has your head fucked up, I knew it” She said looking at Denisha. “You are a no-good hoe ass girl, trying to get my soon to give up on his life like you did” She snapped. “Mama chill, it wasn’t Nisha” Narkim said. Malcom Sr. put his finger up at Narkim. “Don’t back talk your mama she is right, she got you fucked up, how are you going to make a living?” He said to him. Narkim pulled a band out and out it on the table. “I make more money than anybody in this house, I don’t need school!” He yelled. MJ shook his head. Sharice looked at Denisha. “You got my son selling drugs?” She yelled at her. Denisha stood up. “I been trying to get your son back into school and off the streets, he been doing this before he met me!” She snapped. Denisha realized that she snitched on Narkim. “Shit” She said with her face in her hands. Dre started to think. “You were the one who put that brick in my car wasn’t?” Andre asked. Norielle sighed. “You set me up Narkim?” He asked. Narkim shook his head. “It was an accident. “An accident, you made me take the fall for shit I aint do then make me miss half of my girl’s pregnancy?” He asked. “I was bout to go down for 5 years! 5 years without seeing my son!” Sharice looked at Norielle. “Jail?” She said looking them. Malcom Sr. looked at Norielle. “Son?” Malcom Sr. said looking at Norielle who was trying to calm down Dre’. Her bump was starting to show through her sweater. “You got my daughter pregnant?” He said. “Daddy, Mama it’s not what it seems” She said to her parents. Sharice shook her head. “You said his family was rich and did Ministry work?” She said. Norielle nodded. “They do, he went to jail for something he didn’t do!” She stressed. Andre looked at Norielle. “You knew?” He asked. Nori shook her head. “I just found out a couple of days I go I promise” He sucked his teeth in “You foul as fuck, I can’t believe you or you scum ass brother, I don’t want shit to do with you! Is the baby even mine? You being keeping a lot of shit from me!” He snapped. Narkim balled up his fist. “You can talk shit to me and hate me but you not bout to dog my sister out” He snapped. Damien stood up. “For real” He said. Andre shook his head and grabbed his jacket and left. Norielle started crying and got up. “Im not done with your ass Norielle” Malcom Sr. snapped. Norielle ran upstairs. Sharice looked at Narkim. “Get the hell out of my house!” She yelled. “Man fuck yall” He snapped. Sharice gasped, Malcom Sr. got up. Narkim grabbed Nisha and walked out. Everyone was silent looking around and taking in everything. Malcom Sr. looked around at everyone and looked at Janessa. “All my kids are a disappointment” He said. Vada looked at him. “Excuse me?” She said. “Nobody in this house is disappointing, Janessa married a white man soo what? He loves her and thats all that matters, Get over it, you cheated on my mother mutiple times, Norielle is pregnant but shit happens, Narkim will learn shit the hard way and being a stripper is not so bad mom” Vada stressed. Kristen shook her head. “Yall need to have more respect for your father” She said. Nylah sighed “Shut up Ms. Madison” She said. “You need to check your little friend” Kristen said to Damien. “She good” Damien said. Malcom Sr. looked at Damien. “Don’t disrespect her like that” He said. Damien started laughing. “I been fucking her the whole time, I think she been disrespecting you” Damien snapped. The emotions “What do the lonely’s do at Christmas” was playing. Malcom Sr. stood up. “What did you say to me boy?” He said. Damien stood up. “Ms. Madison has been coming on to me, making me do things I don’t want to do, she been sending me nudes” He stated. Kristen shook her head. “That’s not true” She said. Nylah nooded and pulled out her phone with the pictures and the text. “It is true” Sharice gasped looking at the messages and pictures. “He raped me!” Kristen yelled out. Damien laughed. “Nah you been raping me, having me bend you over and give it to you the long way, making me come over against my will fucking me on your couch, I feel ashamed and like my man hood was stolen!” Damien yelled pretending to be traumatized. Sharice was trying to get up to fight but Stephan held her back. Malcom Sr. looked at Kristen and them Damien. “You been fucking my baby boy?” He said. She shook her head. “No he’s lying we had consensual sex” She stated. “Man shut up, you been riding me this whole time you was with my dad!” Damien yelled. “You told me you can’t live without my D and everything” He stressed. Malcom Sr. turned around to try to strangle Damien. MJ fought his dad off. Vada punched the shit out of Kristen. “We will be pressing charges you pedophile” She said. Kristen tried to leave but Nylah grabbed her mase. “I will blind you if you move bitch”. “Get him out of my house! And get the police here” Sharice yelled. Kristen started crying. “Im sorry” She said. Malcom Sr. was still holding on to Damien. Grandma Rudy was trying to calm everyone down when she fell out on the floor. “Get off him Dad!” MJ stressed, Michael ran to Grandma Rudy. Dylan helped MJ. Malcom Sr. looked at Dylan and punched him in the face. Janessa ran over to him. “Dad you need to leave now!” She said. Malcom Sr. looked around and started to calm down. “Get out!” Vada yelled at him. He walked out. Sharice and Michael tried to wake Grandma Rudy.

25mins later. An ambulance and the police showed up taking Kristen into custody and taking Grandma Rudy to the hospital the EMT team had said she had a heart attack. Everyone including Norielle went to the hospital.

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jennarae1001 · 2 years ago

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18 months later & almost SIX.

LOTS of changes for my family. We moved to Virginia. I started kindergarten AND I am going to have a baby sister in a couple of weeks!

Here’s a few highlights from the last 18 months...

2021

April- We visited family in Missouri. I also started dance and t-ball!

May-we found a church in Maryland we really liked, celebrated my sister’s second birthday, and did some local traveling (National Harbor, National Zoo, and camping on Solomon’s Island).

June-I started piano lessons and my parents think I am super good for only 4 years old!!

July-GranMare and my cousin Sam flew in for the Fourth of July holiday. We had so much fun together. I also went to my first symphony performance at St. Mary’s College. My grandpa Ed visited me this month too! I also got another haircut! While this isn’t my first haircut, it was the most I have ever had cut at one time--5 inches!

August--My family drove to Alabama. We were able to visit family in Mobile (Rollo clan) as well as my Missouri cousins for a fun week at the beach!

September- Granni and Papa came and visited me and my parents went on a trip to Charleston, SC. I roller skated for the very first time. We also went to the St. Mary’s county fair and got to see a ton of farm animals. The weather started cooling down and we did a lot of biking on the Three Notch Trail.

October--we celebrated my fifth birthday with special appearance by Elsa! My Granni, Papa and GranMare were able to be there for my special day, too! This was our first year doing a family theme Halloween costume-Little Mermaid. Daddy was King Triton, Mommy was Ursula, I was Ariel and Madi was Sebastian.

November-We flew back to Missouri for thanksgiving! It was great to see my grandparents and cousins again. I also got my first Brazilian jijtsu promotion.

December- We stayed home for Christmas and celebrated with neighbors. Santa brought me a brand new bike! We spent New Year’s Eve at the Richmond Zoo for the very first time.

2022!

January-SNOW, SNOW, SNOW! we got a big snow in Maryland that was fun to play in. I also started t-ball for the second year and got to do my very first sports clinic.

February-DISNEY WORLD!! We drove 12 hours down to FL and had the week of our lives! My grandpa Ed came and visited us too! I asked my momma this week if we can go back next year! We also found out I was going to be a big sister again!

March- This was a month that was spent mostly at home. We did not have any trips planned but I stayed busy with preschool, tball, and jijitsu. My momma also started a new job where she gets to work entirely from home.

April-HOPPY easter! We had some fun Easter egg hunts between church, school, and our neighborhood. GranMare and Auntie Roz came and visited us while mommy and daddy went to Bahamas to see Uncle Blake and Aunt Mandi get married.

May- This was a BUSY month. We celebrated sister’s 3rd birthday with Paw Patrol theme and a water bounce house. Granni and Papa were able to come visit us again in Maryland and we went strawberry picking and to Busch Gardens. We flew to Missouri at the end of the month to celebrate Grandma Rita’s birthday and to visit grandparents and cousins. We also go to be apart of Blake and Mandi’s wedding reception in Nebraska.

June- SWIM SEASON!! The community pool in our neighborhood officially opens and we visit almost daily. We also find out we are having a baby...SISTER! Sadly, one of our dogs, Atlas got sick and we had to say goodbye to him. Daddy never let him have table scraps or human food but his last meal was Chick-Fil-A. <3

July- We celebrated our last holiday, Fourth of July, with our Maryland neighbors and moved to a new state, VIRGINIA! It was a hard transition initially for me. I was sad to leave my best friends in Maryland, my house, and my preschool. We met several of our new neighbors who are now our friends. We went to the beach, Busch Gardens, and Water Country.

August-I completed swimming lessons and can now swim confidently without a life jacket. Granni and Papa visited us and brought their camper. Mommy and Daddy went on a trip to Outer Banks, NC. We spent A LOT of time at Busch Gardens and Water Country before I started kindergarten!!! I really like my new school, too!

September-Last days of Water Country! My daddy also went back to work fulltime outside of the home for the first time since February 2020!! He will be working on an aircraft carrier in Newport News. I started soccer for the first time in Virginia.

Later this week I turn SIX! Mommy told me that the last time my birthday was on a Saturday was the day I was born. I did not want to have a big birthday party this year so my family and I are going to Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate!

#Youtube

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billvsamerica · 6 years ago

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Christmas in Florida

The white powder lashed the windscreen in huge blobs making it impossible to see. We grinded to a halt as the white spray from above covered the car like a foam. Finally, the area started to heat up and the car was practically completely dry. What kind of voodoo was this? Had I fallen asleep while driving again? No, because I wasn't driving and I also wasn't asleep. A snowstorm in Florida, you might be thinking, no way! And you'd be right. I just made you think it was one through vivid descriptive language. We were actually in a car wash readying the car for seeing Shelby's dad, ex-world champion drag racer, Steve Cohen, or as I like to call him (and he secretly likes, but outwardly dislikes), Stevie C or Big Steve. We were sure to be berated if the car’s cleanliness wasn’t up to his standards. And that's what Christmas is all about. Ho, ho, ho everybody!

Their eyes remained on me the whole journey, like I was a sausage in human form

Last year, we spent Christmas apart. This year, to save me from tears, I spent the Christmas with Shelby (Shelby, Shelby...). A very important person was born on Christmas day many years ago. He was Jewish and had very recognizable facial hair. Some call him the savior (of drag racing). And that somebody is Big Steve. He shares his birthday with the big man himself, Ricky Martin and, of course, duh, Lemmy from Motorhead. My own father often complains about his birthday being on January 6th. “Oh, it's too close to Christmas - nobody bothers with it. Oh, I should get a gift for both Christmas and my Birthday. Oh, will you please come and visit me in the home soon, Bill? it gets very lonely in here and I think the nurse is stealing from me.” And to all of those, I simply laugh and say no chance! (He's not really in a home... yet).

It's a strange phenomenon spending Christmas at a destination so close to the equator. Not as weird as spending it within the earth's crust on the actual equator though, which provides me with some solace. We were taking a friend back to her house in Florida, so I volunteered to spend the eight hour journey in the back of the car with a dog with anxiety problems and a weak bladder and a giant dog who thinks he's a chihuahua. Once we arrived, we had thirty minutes to shower off the piss and hair and get ourselves festive for the first family function.

When I think of Christmas in England, I think of roasting chestnuts on an open fire, long walks on the Malvern Hills in the snow, and stopping for a swift pint of ale in a country pub. We walked into the garage of Shelby's uncle's house where he was pointing a handgun at a boat. He was fitting a new sight to the top of the gun.

"Doesn't that make it a bit easy?" I said.

"Not with my shaky hands it doesn't." Shelby's uncle replied.

I queried this in my own head, but thought against arguing. The hosts had kindly accommodated us by preparing a number of vegetarian dishes and the food was delicious.

"You don't eat fish?"

"No, I'm a vegetarian."

"So, no shrimp then?"

They didn't quite understand the commitment I have made to all living things with my abstinence from scranning their dead bodies. Still, as with Christmas gatherings across the globe, somebody had a Chinese puzzle and we all spent a couple of hours trying to figure it out. Dogs and babies created the rest of the entertainment (the party wasn't a front for some sort of underground dog vs babies fight club though, which in some ways, is a disappointment. Note to self: pitch this idea to Vince McMahon or Dana White, failing that pitch to that dodgy guy you met on a train to Aberystwyth once who said he had invented a spoon crossed with a ladle).

As the evening was coming to an end, we handed Mary, Shelby's 94 year old grandma, her gift. It was an Ancestry DNA kit. One of the family members entered the room and walked up to her.

"I just had to see her face when she opened it," he said.

Not sure why - her face was absolutely baffled by it.

The phenomenon that is Mary, the 94-year-old world traveler with a penchant for corgis

For two weeks over Christmas, most people become functioning alcoholics - rising from their slumber to eat leftovers that soak up the alcohol from the night before, which is what I did the next day. That evening, we were heading to Ralph's in Dade City. I've been to some dive bars where I've felt the atmosphere change as I walk in - an instant feeling of not belonging or a high probability of getting my head kicked in. Mainly in Scotland. But few of these, if any, have left me feeling like I may be abducted and used as some sort of sex slave for a closeted hick with family money. That was, of course, until I got to Ralph's.

This is the vibe I got from Ralph's, but as soon as I walked through the doors, my mood changed. I was told by Shelby that Ralph's was a bit "Out of business up the front, party in the back," and she was right. There was a band on that night playing some rock and roll classics, a huge fire with various people gathered around, and a giant 21 year old man with bruised knuckles who I befriended named Eric. Eric didn't seem to know anybody. He claimed that he had a party at his house earlier but everybody left, so he had walked to Ralph's to keep drinking before he met his supermodel girlfriend. I like a good character, and Eric was certainly that. Although he kept nudging me in the stomach with his big hand and putting his arm around me, which I didn't like. I volunteered to walk to the shop with him so he could buy a packet of cigarettes, and when it came to pay I half expected him to ask me for some money. Instead, he pulled out a wad of ten 100 dollar bills and counted them. I thought this was probably not a wise thing to do at the Dollar General next to Ralph's in Dade City, Florida, but didn't want to say anything, again, because of the big hands. I was worried that I would have to keep him company all night, but a few minutes later his supermodel girlfriend actually did turn up and I was left confused. After that, I went inside to play pool. Didn't pot a single ball and then potted the black by mistake, which is how I knew it was time for me to make a dash for the exit through the line dancers and sex offenders at Ralph's, where everybody knows your name (because you're probably the owner's cousin).

Christmas day was fast approaching and on Christmas eve we hosted Shelby's friends and their baby. As they walked in, they told us that the baby was sick. Bit annoying, but unlike adults, it's hard to explain to a baby to keep at least three meters away from me at all times or I will invoke the use of force, but I did keep my distance. The last thing I wanted was a baby cold ruining my festive fun. Like the wisemen in the story of Christ, I led them to the door when they decided it was time to head home. Mary and Joseph (not their actual names) used their truck as a makeshift donkey, their headlights as the north star, and their house as the barn to lay the baby down in. Although technically Jesus wouldn't have been born until the next day, but whatever, I'm trying to get into the festive spirit.

In the morning, we all rose to gather around the tree and exchange gifts. I had already received my main gift, a guitar, from Shelby the month before, but I was stoked to open a leafblower (my first middle aged gift ever) from my in-laws and a number of other treats, including a jar of Branston Pickle. I handed Shelby her main gift. She shook it excitedly and opened it up. I had bought her a robot vaccuum cleaner. Now, granted, she hadn't asked for one, and was a bit surprised less in a "Wow, cool!" way and more in a "What the hell's this?" tone, but I knew she would like it simply for the fact that it could keep the dog company when he was home alone. She lated admitted that she thought I had bought her a pair of Dr Marten boots, which I didn't.

This photo is blurry and Bagel is staring at something and it creeps me out

That afternoon, we were heading for our second family engagement of the holiday period, with the family I did choose, sort of. While milling about eating little puff pastry things and trying not to look at anybody the wrong way, I bumped into Shelby's step second cousin (possibly that is their relation), a tentative link, but one all the same. He told me that he used to live near where we now live and was actually one of the first employees of the World's Largest Dog-friendly Travel Website, BringFido, where I now work. What are the bloody chances of that? Apparently, he left the company disgrace without telling them he wouldn't be returning. Nice bloke, though.

Outside, I bumped into one of Shelby's cousins, who was wearing his favourite shirt for the occasion. He'd gone all out with this one - It read "Guns, God, Trump, Family" in big letters. I took the word “Trump” to mean the British word, to fart out of one's bum bum, making the shirt much more entertaining. I sat down with the men, most of whom had their t-shirts tucked into their trousers, and immediately fit in - not at all coming across as a lanky, camp, British, randomer... The man next to me sat back in his chair and breathed out heavily.

"I was on a forum online,"

Where was this going, I thought as I considered dialling Dateline.

"About guns,” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“And I got into it with these people. I said to them, Do you even like guns unless you own over a hundred?"

I like donuts, but that doesn't mean I - actually, I take that back.

"I mean, I only have 82, and I'd say I was an enthusiast, but the real enthusiasts - they have over 100."

"What guns do you have?” somebody asked.

"Got a grenade launcher."

"What's the practical use of that?" I said, for some reason.

"Scaring birds off your crops"

While literally blowing up everything you've grown in the process and leaving shrapnel in your cabbage, I thought.

"I've got a machine gun, that sort of thing. They're mainly good for the zombie apocalypse."

If I ever become a zombie, remind me not to go to his house.

My new year's resolution is to update my blog more and release a podcast recounting my adventures in China, mainly because I just got a mic stand and I need to use it. Happy New Year to one and all! (Except those who've wronged me. You know who you are. I hope irritating things happen to you all year round, like flat tires and having to spend a fortune to replace your guttering).

An unrelated photo of me and Bagel taken after Christmas

#christmasinflorida #christmas #lol #comedy #funny #blog #bagel #dog #vacation #britabroad

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kastlenetwork · 7 years ago

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Thank you so to everyone who participated in secret santa for kastle christmas this year! every time an event takes place in our group, i’m always completely blown away by the effort that takes place out of everyone involved. there were a lot of really wonderful things this year; beautiful edits and gifs and art and fic. i always feel like a really old proud grandma during these and all events and how much everyone does to put their all into it! and also a big thank you to everyone who decided to not sign up for still enjoying and showing that you enjoyed all of their work, with reblogs and likes and comments and kudos ♡❄♡❄♡

if you haven’t gotten your gift yet, i’m doing my best to find out why and to get that to you -- and i’m so sorry that it’s late and hasn’t been posted. until then, [under the cut, so i can add in the pieces that came in afterwards] here is a list of every posted gift this year! and again, thank you all for participating ♡❄♡❄♡

@allmyfuckingobsessions for @carry-the-sky Road Trip aesthetic: “Things you said while we were driving”

@benmendelsohns for @ejunkiet something entirely different [ao3] | rated: general audiences nothing could be seen outside the window either, just blinding whiteness that shook the very foundations of -. The blizzard began in the afternoon, continued all day and well into the night.

@benmendelsohns for @kenobios “frank and karen, when i ain’t got you”

@bisexualmicro for @hot-pink-mess “(maybe) this tired world can change” a kastle playlist [playmoss]

@carry-the-sky for @itsybitsylemonsqueezy my head is filled with ruins (most of them, i built with you) [ao3] | rated: general audiences She keeps the roses. They brighten up her room and sometimes, without thinking, she finds herself running a hand over them, the petals soft and smooth between her fingers. She plucks one from its stem, tucks it under her pillow and sleeps without dreaming. There’s a petal hidden between the pages of the book she’s reading, another slipped down into the pocket of her coat. It’s not enough, it’s not enough but it’s something.

@chelseamischief for @punisherpage “you always have a home, frank.”

@clarkebellamy for @nxtyourfirstrodeo put me on trial

@cllairetemples for @granpawesley heaven’s got a plan for you, child

@eklixio for @thevampirecat “for the window”

@favrielle for @whentheskylequakes the winter king [ao3] | rated: not rated Karen Page is tired of being hurt and threatened. When Wilson Fisk threatens to claw his way back into civilisation, Frank Castle steps in to offer her a safe escape.

@fioredi for @benmendelsohns and so we touched, and maybe our breathing together was some kind of heavenly conversation in God’s delicate and magnifying language, the one we don’t dare speak out loud, not yet. -mary oliver

@frankcastle for @wasleichtes Kastle + making each other smile/laugh. Kastle + talking about each other when the other’s not there.

@goddamnitkastle for @robbieamell It involves Karen’s relationship with her brother Kevin [one, two, three, four, five]

@harrumphandhuzzah for @c-sand color me winter [version two]

@hot-pink-mess for @showerdownbonanza merry christmas kastle art

@itsybitsylemonsqueezy for @harrumphandhuzzah a frank discussion [ao3] | rated: general audiences Karen hasn't seen Frank since the elevator. When he finally comes round to her place, she doesn't know whether to scream, cry, or kiss him. Probably all three.

@karen-pagee for @mm8fic “stay” a kastle secret santa playlist [8 tracks]

@kastleandcoffee for @goddamnitkastle desiderata [ao3] | rated: mature She hasn’t seen Frank since the elevator, since that damned day when she stumbled home, bruised and bloodied and bone-Fucking-tired. She dreamt about him, about that moment, him looking at her like that, like his entire world was there in that elevator; her breath stuttering in her lungs, her leaning in, lips parted. His forehead against hers.

@kastlenetwork for @mapleymood shades of grey: a kastle playlist [playmoss] a kastle christmas outtake edit.

@kastlequill for @thefudge merry christmas appetizer

@kenobios for @fioderi I really can’t stay. But baby, it’s cold outside.

@mapleymood for @favrielle you know i just can’t let you be [ao3] | rated: teen and up “Lie still,” he growls.“I’m doing my best here,” Karen grits out. “But you’re no Clara Barton.”[Or, Frank and Karen have an old argument that, this time, turns into something new.]

@mm8fic for @j0n-bernthal unspoken, a kastle network christmas 2017 fanmix [spotify]

@nxtyourfirstrodeo for @sincerelydayyy Me Without You is Like a Present Without a Bow [ao3] | rated: teen and up Frank makes plans for his first Christmas as a 'free' man and they involve Karen. But he can't do it alone so he recruits some help from people.

@obeyyourheart for @sail-not-drift warm me up [ao3] | rated: explicit Frank warms Karen up on a cold winter evening.

@ohmypreciousgirl for @ughhhlarryshippers when our lips touch I can taste the next sixty years of my life [ao3] | rated: mature Karen finds it hysterically ironic that it’s Frank Castle who taught her to appreciate romance. Frank manages to pull off quiet intimacy that feels genuine. Probably because Frank believes that actions show he cares and proves he wants her, instead of doing it for the sake of a social expectation. So, Karen learns she loves being romanced, but only if it’s by Frank. He’s just ridiculously good at it.--- (Or five things Karen wasn't expecting from a relationship with Frank)

@porpentinygoldstein for @allmyfuckingobsessions wishful thinking [ao3] | rated: general audiences Another Christmas Eve where Karen Page is all alone, but for some reason, hopes for Frank Castle to show up.

@sail-not-drift for @devilbunnyking being again [ao3] | rated: teen and up Weeks after Frank left her shaken and devastated in a hotel elevator, Karen finds herself in need of a friend. What follows could mean a new beginning for both of them.

@shipsabound for @spacefoxen i can hear your gentle call [ao3] | rated: teen and up Karen just catches the elevator before the doors close, someone from marketing and two of the writers from the political section nodding in greeting to her, when her phone chirps again. The last thing she expects Frank to send is a picture. A giggle bursts forth before she can clasp a hand over her mouth.A tiny gray pit bull pup, no bigger than five pounds if she had to guess, stares with a line of sight directed just above the camera with bright eyes and a blurry, half-open mouth. Caught mid-yawn or mid-yap, she can't be sure. Not that it matters, though, since the dog is the most adorable thing she's seen in weeks. Maybe months.

@sincerelydayyy for @porpentinygoldstein and a spot of mistletoe [ao3] | rated: teen and up On the 24th of December Karen Page receives a note, not sure what she's expecting from Frank Castle she follows the address and ends up spilling truths featuring a spot of mistletoe.

@spacefoxen for @clarkebellamy “you have it. You have everything. So hold on to it. Use two hands and never let go. You got it?”

@thefudge for @eklixio your hands are cold, your hands are warm [ao3] | rated: teen and up There’s also nothing to do in the summer, no momentum, no purpose. She feels adrift in this tiny apartment, typing words into a document that very few will actually read. Fighting the good fight is long and arduous and thankless.

@queensofthekastle for @karen-pagee after all not so alone [ao3] | rated: general audiences Frank and Karen find each other on Christmas Eve, following the events of The Punisher.

@thevampirecat for @frankcastle what we find in the shadows [second tumblr post] [ao3] | rated: mature He doesn't know what he did to deserve her; what she sees in him that makes her love him almost as fiercely as he does her. There are times that it doesn't feel real and then there are other times when it feels like it's the only true thing in the world, and the thought of losing her is too much for him to bear. But she said she'd stay. She said she'd stay forever. And that has to be enough. It has to.

@wasleichtes/ @wasleichtesdraws for @obeyyourheart two dead men

@whentheyskyequakes for @ntasharomanvs where I can sing you to sleep all night [two] [ao3] | rated: not rated "Don't bother with the sheets," she calls out, gaze not leaving the porcelain of her sink. "We can just . . . share the bed, huh? Just one night. I don't want you being uncomfortable." — Or, it all sort of happened and now Karen can’t really get rid of Frank even if she wanted to. Spoiler: she doesn’t.

@ejunkiet for @uncledefender wide-eyed (and so damn caught in the middle) “We’re going to take these, yeah, and I’m going to show you how to use ‘em. All of ‘em.”

@kastlenetwork for @queensofthekastle Go tell that long tongue liar Go and tell that midnight rider Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter Tell ‘em that God’s gonna cut 'em down Tell 'em that God’s gonna cut 'em down

@sarma for @bisexualmicro “How far down this road of violence, of revenge, do you go before you’re ripped apart?”

@raquel-draws for @chelseamischief Frank’s after consists of visits to his family, a puppy named max and coffee dates with Karen.

@tacosdecanasta for @kastleplease I try to hide it but I’m only lying to myself.

@kastlenetwork for @ohmypreciousgirl and I know that I feel better about myself when you look at me like I’m pure gold and I know that I believe in myself when you say that I’ve inspired you because I, I inspire you?

@sarma for @kastlequill she’s got the sun in her eyes

#kastle #frank x karen #kastlenetwork #kastlechristmas #kastlechristmas2k17 #♡♡THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!!!♡♡#txt #txt: chey #ours #ours*christmas #by: chey #we have about eight gifts [not including the ones who let us know they'd be late] that have not shown up.#i'm doing my best to find them for you i swear.

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

Text

Life Story Part 74

I found it harder and harder to focus on reading like I had in the past after my attacks. I would just stare at the page, or sometimes have trouble identifying with the dialogue in the story. I don't know if I picked up some overrated literature or if something in me was just different. I felt quite dead inside. I closed in on myself even harder. I rarely left my cold, dimly lit bedroom. There were certain thoughts I monitored myself not to have. I didn't go outside at all anymore unless it was very dark out. Allison and David would hang out with me, we would walk down to the pop machines and buy cans of soda if we could afford it. I spent more time hashing out my manga story. I still tried to make art when I could. I wrote Sarah often. But a good deal of my life at this was hiding. I felt broken, and I didn't even want to identify with anything that would wind up hurting me more.

I remember it being a fairly cold winter that year. I attempted to sleep as much as I possibly could. Nothing seemed worth being awake for anymore. I felt like a total loser – now back in Kendrick as though I had never even left. A part of me was starting to resign myself to the reality that I was never leaving. It was a bitter pill. Sometimes life seemed gray and blurry. I suppose I could have stayed living with Maria, or I could have chosen to stay with my grandma. But I hadn't. I had put on a lot of weight. I've heard people who have always been thin their entire lives, how people let themselves get overweight. Let me say – it's amazingly easy given you have the right DNA and life circumstances. Unless you are naturally hyper and love eating raw cucumbers all day, it can happen to anyone. And when you don't feel like there is anything in life that is meaningful or good and you have lost all hope, but you don't have drugs or money or transportation and suicide is too frightening to actually go through with, food is an outlet. Not that I ate that much – at least not by comparison to how I ate as a teenager. I really didn't need to eat that much anymore to gain weight. My metabolism was shot. I didn't feel good. The skin all over my body became covered in these bumps. I don't know why, though my guess is it had something to do with my endocrine system falling apart. Maybe it was because I was developing lactose intolerance.

Sarah went and saw Tom Waits live. It would be his last tour – for Orphans. She described it as this amazing experience – one of the best things she had ever seen in her entire life. His stage set was like this moving dilapidated carousel. When he stomped his feet billows of dust rose from the ground into the air. I now and forever will be jealous of her for having this opportunity. Tom Waits is my favorite. I didn't love him as much then as I do now, but I can listen to Tom Waits for days on end and it never gets old.

I often times would write to this website that may or may not exist still, called Elderlywisdomcircle. Basically, it's a bunch of volunteer elderly who try to give you advice about life problems for free. You just write a letter to them, and someone will get back to you within a few weeks. I would often write to them about how my father was preventing me from leaving by not helping me get a Social security card, about Roxanne and her drug use and her marriage to Jeremy, how depressed and isolated I was, how I was afraid to feel things because if I let myself feel things I would go insane and lose what little grounds I had in the world, about my brother. I don't know what I expected to find. I guess it was my grounded version of prayer. It was something to look forward to I guess, as I thought that maybe someone might have the answers to the issues I was facing. Out of all the letters I received back from my issues however, I essentially got little conclusive response, and only one of them seemed really legitimate. They always told me that I wrote well. They would basically tell me to seek help – though they also had to contest that I didn't live in a state or an area that was really generous about giving out help. A few of them were very religious and they told me that I needed to pray more. One cantankerous responder told me that I was essentially to blame about every bad thing that had ever happened to me, and I needed to take control over my life. The nuance in their professional opinion was that I was a bit on the pathetic side. They would always link me up with a suicide hotline.

David was in Hastings one day in the book section. David was beginning to read a lot independently, and I had shown him the places in Hastings that sold the classics and how to search the novels. As he was examining the selection, a stranger walked up to him, a man with a familiar voice. He had a gruff New York accent. He congratulated David for being a reader, that there weren't too many kids in these modern times who read anymore and it was very refreshing to see a young man such as himself choosing to do so. David nodded politely. Later on, David put a face and name to the guy. He was Michael Savage, the conservative nationalist political commentator that my father sometimes listened to. For whatever reason he had been in Moscow Idaho. Which is funny because David probably adamantly disagrees with just about everything Michael Savage stands for. I certainly think he's repulsive, and even my father doesn't really care for him anymore, mostly being a listener because he enjoyed the aggression and was amused by the extremism. It would have been so much cooler had the person in question been something more than some regressive asshole.

That New Year's eve, my father went out to drink. I knew he planned on getting totally wasted because he spent a lot of time trying to justify going out that year, when I honestly didn't object in the least, as that seemed like a totally natural thing to do. I didn't really look forward to him drinking however. It made me very nervous. Up that point, he mostly seemed to hold back on his drinking around us – though I knew he was still getting drunk other places. I was just starting to comprehend that part of the reason he was starting to say things that made no sense, or get irrationally emotional, or starting to make good food and then mess the food up by means of some obscure decision that made no logical sense was because he was starting to drink every night.

Allison, David and I stayed up of course, probably snacking and watching Fight Club or the Shawshank Redemption for the millionth time. After midnight came and went, David went upstairs to check in for the night. Allison and I were still up when one am rolled around. I was getting a little nervous that maybe my father had been in some kind of accident, as he said he was going to be home before midnight. So Allison and I stayed up watching an anime show that I wasn't really getting into Wolf's Reign or something like that, I believe it was called. It was around one or so that my father suddenly burst through the door belligerent. And he had this very weird guy with him who had this beautiful Husky with him. They were both so drunk they could barely walk and everything they said was a scream, particularly my father who was ranting in a way that made my stomach hurt with anxiety. My father was professing his undying friendship to this guy in his inebriated state, and this other guy who's voice was nothing but an inaudible display of indecipherable gurgles and croaks would say something back and I couldn't understand. They were both raving about something that had happened at the bar. I had never seen my father this drunk in my life, and I was kind of nervous. For one, he was saying some horrible base stuff about women. And though my father I would say was sexist, he had never really went off about women being easy sluts or being defined primarily by their bodies and if/how those bodies benefited the male gaze.

So I was horrified to be listening to him say probably some of the worst stuff I had ever heard him say. He was ranting on how him and this strange drifter that he met at the bar (Jordan was his name) were going to go out and get themselves laid that night in gross vivid detail. Even if one night stands were a person's thing, what he was saying and how he approached it was very lewd and offensive. He even joked about them finding hookers. Jordan more or less just went along with whatever my dad was saying, who kept patting his back. The fact that Allison and I were still awake and very aware of how he was behaving didn't really seem to do much to phase him. If anything, he seemed annoyed that the two of us were awake. Then again, he got mad when he heard that David was asleep.

Eventually, the two of them went down to the bar in Kendrick. It worried me that he had been driving. Honestly, as drunk as my father was, he had a DUI coming. I am really opposed to drunk driving. When I hear someone I know has done it I get almost personally offended. How could you put other people's lives in danger like that? You could literally destroy other people's realities simply because you couldn't make plans ahead of time. It's profoundly selfish to me. I wanted to go to sleep, but my heart was racing out of my chest. Jordan left his lovely Husky at the house. The dog was nice overall, kind of serious and distant. I felt like something bad would happen if we didn't stay up. I was in shock, because just when I thought I couldn't lose any more respect, here I was losing even more. Granted, alcohol brings out the worst and pushes that worst a little farther than you would have ever taken it, but I didn't think my father was this pathetic. And it really struck home with me that I didn't like alcohol. I saw it as being extremely destructive.

Eventually they came back, and they were ranting about how the two of them both deserved to fuck some fat ugly bitches. Allison and I looked at each other, grossed out. My father kept saying 'FAT BITCHES' FAT BITCHES' over and over again. Even though I know his mind was completely disconnecting this statement from his own daughter which was me, I felt personally offended and disgusted by this statement. I was fat, and I guess to some people I knew, I was probably considered a bitch as well. I felt there was something really double-horrible about that statement. The nuance being, fat women are disgusting and easy and something that you fetishize and want to both use for sex and violently humiliate. It was around this time when I just figured that if Jordan stabbed him in the night or either one of them choked on their own vomit then so be it. I tried to distance myself from it all, partially to process what I was hearing. He then decided to take his Nickelback collection out of retirement and start blasting it throughout the house – making it impossible for anyone to sleep. I decided that it was probably for the best if Allison and I went to bed. I was extremely tense about the surreal ugliness and the entirely negative vibes that had spoiled an otherwise mundane night.

The next day, Allison and I just stayed in the bedroom until we both just absolutely had to pee come hell or high water. Nobody was up, and the whole feeling of the house was really dead and gray. It kind of scared me a little bit. Outside was frosty and cold and the typical temperature of ten degrees. We walked around the house timidly and distantly. We found David still in his room, more or less confused. David got up in the night at some point and was completely baffled by a random Husky being in the house. David had been phobic of dogs as a little boy until he was eight or so, and seeing the dog in our house messed with him, causing him to question his own sanity a little bit. It would have been slightly funny had the whole thing not already been so appalling.

I could tell by my father's body language when he did come up that he felt ashamed of himself and was sort of afraid to see us. He tried to play it off like the entire thing hadn't happened. Being coy and distant to anything we had to say pertaining to the night before. Jordan was asleep on our couch till the afternoon and he smelled awful. The Husky had literally chewed a good portion of one of the couches to bits. It was totally destroyed. I hadn't even realized that furniture chewing could get that way. There were pieces of our couch scattered all over the house. I had to laugh a bit. I thought it added a nice touch to the absolute chaotic reality of that night. My father ended up driving Jordan back into Lewiston. He didn't seem very warmed up to Jordan like he had in his drunken moments that night. And we never heard from or saw Jordan or his dog again.

My father seemed to deal with his shame by doubling down on us about how the house was messy. It was just his way of feeling some semblance of control when it was becoming clearer and clearer to us all that he had none. Perhaps he suspected mutiny. I suspect he was onto something, because I was tempted not to at all in protest for having to put up being totally disgusted. But Allison and David felt the need to and sitting out would just be putting that much more work on them so I joined in ultimately. It really smelled in the corner of the couch, and we came to discover just what it was. Jordan had vomited out a ton of McDonald's food on the couch, and rather than clean it up, he had flipped over the couch cushion. It was deep in the void of the couch, but it was also sort of poured out over onto the floor, which he had of course taken one of our pairs of shoes to cover up, getting it on the sneakers. Allison was about to clean it up herself. But I said no. Instead, I told my father about the vomit. He just went 'oh' and walked away. I told him we weren't cleaning it up, which was both directly pertaining to the vomit, but just the situation in general. It was tiring and cowardly that he wanted us to be the ones that did the hard work of making our slowly disintegrating family ties work, and all he had to do was pretend consistently that he had done nothing wrong.

He ended up not cleaning the vomit up that night, or the next or the next. So we just stopped sitting on that couch, and we held our breath whenever we walked past that area. We were all painfully aware it was there, but it felt like nobody was allowed to talk about it. When he thought I wasn't around – six days later, he instructed Allison to clean it up for him. I found out about it, and I coached Allison not to. I could see this sort of frustration with it all, and I think she felt like, if she just cleaned it up then the whole negative experience would go away and she could move on. But for me, her cleaning that up was taking it in a way I didn't feel she deserved to have to do. If she gave into what he wanted, then he would feel better about himself, like he was still in control. I noticed too that he didn't want David to clean it up. He wanted it to be either me or Allison, and there was something very telling about that. I felt so belittling to make her have to do something like that. I felt like the mere act of having to do something like that was the kind of thing that ruins a young girl's self worth. Allison felt like I was holding onto the past, and the best thing to do is mindlessly scrape up the mess of yesterday, be it hers or someone else's and start out anew. It spelled a difference in how we coped with life I guess. I believe in quiet protest and have issues with authority that does not respect me, and Allison takes on responsibility that isn't something she should have to, and in doing I think she finds herself in a position where she feels she has more control over any given situation whereas I am more likely to bury my own grave due to my defiant attitude – but ultimately feel like I was more true to myself as I walk away.

Ultimately, in this situation, Allison didn't clean up the puke however, since for one, she really didn't want to. She was afraid at this point that cleaning it up would just ultimately cause her to puke, and secondly, I promised her that if she didn't clean the puke up and our dad had problems with that, I would personally jump in and my father could scream and freak out at me rather than her. I really didn't want Allison to have to clean it up, and just the thought of it made my blood boil. So she cleaned around it. My father was on the phone at that point with one of his online girlfriends and he was bragging about himself in this way that he always did. Allison asked if things were clean enough and he pointed to the corner of the couch. I looked him straight in the face and told him with factuality but not without some bit of attitude that that was Jordan's vomit and he needed to clean it rather than her. He was on the phone and I think my statement embarrassed him, so he said 'FINE RENEE' and then explained to his phone girlfriend that his eldest daughter was basically having hormonal issues and freaking out at him for something for no reason. The crazy in me thought of ripping the phone out of his hand and explaining to Jane Doe that he was trying to make his thirteen year old clean up this homeless guy's vomit on the couch from a week previous, but I thought better of it. He ended up cleaning it up a day or two later with some strong chemical soap, and a shampooer.

I guess things were building for me with my dad. The hurt I had felt was starting to turn into disgust. I don't remember at all how this fight went. I probably told him he cared about his online women more than he did his own family. He resented me because everyone in the household respected me more, including himself. Over the years I had been there for Allison and David and he hadn't. I had gained respect, and he had lost respect. He was threatened by me – not that I wanted his position in the house. I wanted out but couldn't get away on account of him. And I saw through him, and knew his vulnerabilities. Both of my parents, despite everything, considered me to be their best friend in their own individually weird way. I guess it's because I was curious about who they were. The older I have become, the less I tried to see them as the power structure I was meant to rely upon and I became curious about how they functioned. So when they did something really messed up, they would get insecure about me judging them – because I had seen what it was like for them behind the veil. And this sometimes threw my father in a rage, particularly when he personally felt like a failure.

I don't think he dealt with anything that had happened to him properly. He was messed up by the death of Patty, the death of his mother, the police investigation and being eventually long-distance-dumped over and over again. The more I lived around him, the more I realized that almost none of this was about me at all. He just hates himself that much and isn't emotionally stable enough to recognize or acknowledge his own failure without flying off the handle so his everyday life is this repetitive factory floor induced circular attempt to draw people and activities into his life that will distract him from himself, and when that fails he loses his fucking mind. And at times, I wondered why he hated himself to begin with. He was granted, not the best person in the world, but most of his flaws were in direct relation to how he responded to his own self loathing, which kept the cycle ongoing and out of control, and it ruined every relationship he ever had with anyone in his life – and this was why he had doubled down on preventing me from leaving. He felt like if he lost me he lost the one person in the world who loved him unconditionally. I don't see my father as a sociopath. The few people I have met who also know him see him as a part time total fuckface, but also someone who has legitimately the best of intentions with most of what he starts off doing. Just a very flawed person, and an emotional coward who used anger, and dominance to subjugate anything in his outer world that might challenge him or made him feel disappointed in himself. And as it happened, I have a challenging personality. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down. Of course, eventually, we are all nails sticking up in my father's world. He can't keep anyone around.

During this fight, I felt this flash of certainty. For years, I felt like he just pretended that nothing bad. I always felt this weird urge to walk up to him and punch him in the face and walk away for no reason. I didn't understand how he could go along as if nothing had happened, that he hadn't beaten me as a teen, forced me to babysit and essentially do half of a parent's work, or neglected my needs, or kicked me out for allegedly being gay. Since the fight was on anyway and something I wouldn't be able to walk out of unscathed, since I was afraid I might have a panic attack if I didn't keep myself focused and angry during this altercation, and since I had always wanted to call out the elephant in the room, I just decided to tell him for the first time what he had done to me as a teenager, specifically the day he had taken me home and beat me. So as he was screaming at me – telling me I was a spoiled brat – me in all my one of two oversized t-shirts and pajama bottoms who was lucky to afford seventy-five cents twice a week to go down to the pop machine and get a pop, burst out and asked him why he had given me a fat lip and bruises on my arm in high school. He looked honestly mystified for a moment and really put off – and started saying WHATTTT?. I reminded him of the circumstances, and I saw something weird snap in his face with guilt and then contort into this look of denial like some grand moment in a theater performance. He was still yelling, and then kind of stammering, and then I asked him again. He suddenly began wailing and screaming. It was kind of an attack at me and it was a bit scrambled to me. He then started screaming LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! over and over again. He sounded entirely deranged and broken. His eyes had sort of blanked out, and I don't even feel like he was seeing anything around him anymore I just stood there dumbfounded. I had never really gotten to this point in an argument before. He continued to yell this even as I got my coat on and my shoes and decided to leave the house for awhile and I could hear him as I walked up the street.

I had always thought that making my parents realize what they had done to me would bring some closure for me, or some satisfaction. I felt pushed down and weak, and they always came out the strong winners. Perhaps if the roles were reversed? As a little girl, I used to believe that before God let you into heaven, he made you watch a movie of your life and wired you up to the movie so you felt every emotion you made someone else feel. Whenever I got upset, if Roxanne pulled my hair or I was sent to my room or whatever, I would cry and then sit in bed and imagine this scenario until I felt like the world made sense again. I imagined God grabbing my parents or sister with his big hands (I imagined he was King Triton from Little Mermaid). He would force them to make eye contact when they looked away in shame, and the eye contact would be fierce and they would learn their lesson. It was of course a testament to my sensitivity as a child, as well as my early onset of a God complex of sorts and egotism, but also my need for a sense of understanding and equilibrium to exist. I had gone for years thinking that karmic justice would make me feel better. When I had seen my father confronted with his own deeds, it broke him. And I didn't really feel the way I thought I would. He seemed mentally unwell, disconnected, and ultimately weak. He seemed small to me, and scared – a creature too dumb to comprehend it's own actions. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. If God held him down and forced him to watch his life-movie, he probably would have blown his brains out. He was an irresponsible coward, and there was nothing I could do or say to change that. I felt disconnected from him, and a little sad for him. How empty it would be to live your life afraid of honest introspection? It would feel so much better just to be honest with yourself. He couldn't humble himself to the slightest insult, and this ultimately limited growth for him. And as he failed to grow as a person, he ultimately decayed.

The realization of this didn't make me feel good at all. I didn't like the power I yielded for those moments of realization. It made me a little bit sad. Not just for him, but for everyone. I guess it was hitting me then that not everyone is emotionally capable of change. Maybe understanding isn't for everyone. You can put stepping stones down for people to follow, and no matter how clearly they are put down, no matter how tiny the step, some people will fall in and drown anyway. I think in this moment my father's position in my life began to alter a little bit. If things were never going to get better, then I didn't want to hate him anymore. I realized that I had reached a point where I held some virtues and character that he lacked, rendering him the child and me the adult. If he was capable of suicide, then I didn't want to push him over that edge either. He wasn't going to help me forgive him. I was just going to have to forgive him myself – and in so doing I took the personal responsibility out of his hands and some of his credit as a father figure. He was too weak to know better, and if he couldn't be held responsible for his actions, than I guess I was going to have to eat that karmic debt. I believe there was a point at the end of one of Robert Pirsig's books where he talked about just that. And I really understood it at that moment.

Allison and I were sitting on the rocks by the Kendrick bike path at sunset one day. We had taken a walk. Allison was talking absently about school, and I was more or less listening distantly, as it was the kind of stuff that seems important to you as a preteen but actually isn't, like who is dating who or what one girl said about another. It's important to listen to thirteen year olds who talk about this stuff though, because it ultimately is very real to them and a huge growing point in their life. It's also an age that isolates you from both children and adults, and even older teens, and I feel like it's important to understand the spirit of these mundane high school dramas even if the events themselves are mind numbing. I get tempted to blurt out the obvious thing that isn't obvious to a younger generation of girls, 'She should dump him, she's too young for a relationship and even if they do try to have sex it's going to be a disappointing experience', 'that girl is just jealous of the other girl. 'She's probably going to party a whole bunch and then make some serious mistakes. She seems cool now, but her life will be a mess in four years if she doesn't stop' 'That over-the-top cordial Christian boy is going to probably get married when he is twenty and stay married for twenty more years because fundamentalist Christian people are weiiiird..' Just random opinions that I would generally have about whoever she was talking about. It felt strange to be judging all these kids and their little lives back in the school I used to suffer in.

We were sitting there that day though, talking besides the bike path. I was looking out absently at the path, and I started seeing this odd glimmerly form. It looked sort of like a person, but his body movements were completely erratic, like he was wounded and falling. His walking seemed shock induced and senseless, like someone who has just crawled out of bombed building. He looked like he was in agony, and like his leg was messed up. I got up to move, and then suddenly he was gone. I thought perhaps my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I sat back down, and there he was again. I moved again, and he wasn't there, but then I moved to another area and I could see him even more visibly, details in his clothing and facial expression. He seemed to be laboring towards us, but at the same time he wasn't coming any closer. For some reason I wasn't even scared when perhaps I should have been. What I was seeing was something that shouldn't exist. But it didn't seem like it was there on my account in the same way that the voice from my house had screamed my name at me. It was almost like a movie playing in the distance, though obviously more surreal.

I had to interrupt Allison and point the guy out to her. At first she couldn't see him from her position, but then I had her move to where I was, and she could see him too. We both watched him, and just to be clear, we made out his details and clarified it back and forth to one another. He was not aware of where he was. His leg seemed injured. He was extremely dirty, almost like he had been covered in dried mud. He had blonde hair that was also incredibly dirty. He was wearing boots and overalls. His blonde hair was a little longer and spilled out in his face. He looked like someone from another time era. We both just sat there and watched it, and neither one of us was actually scared. We just couldn't believe it. It seemed real and unreal at the same time. I felt badly watching him suffer, but at the same time he almost just seemed like data or something. We watched him for about ten minutes. He started fading and getting harder to see, and eventually he just became this space where he looked more like a mirage than a person and then he was gone. Allison and I walked home. We tried to tell David, but he seemed more confused. David for whatever reason has never had a very ghostly experience in his life. For this reason, when either Allison or I told him stories of things we had both seen (Allison and her best friend Jessica had once watched a hand come out of a door inviting them to come inside with it's finger during a stay-over), and it wasn't that he didn't believe us, but his reality was not the same as ours. He just didn't get it. I think at times he was prone to believe us, and at times he didn't really, but it was hard for him to have the depth of belief necessary to fully take in our experiences since nothing of the sort had ever been present in his own perception.

This incident was something Allison and I occasionally talk about when there are people around. Everyone has opinions of the supernatural and it's entertaining to see the reactions of those who believe us and don't. It really kind of got me though. It would have been one thing if I had been the only one who was seeing it. If that had been the case, I would have doubted my own judgment, though maintained that it seemed real to me at the moment. One person cannot verify anything, even if that one person was myself. But for one, the situation happened for one, at a time when neither Allison or I were scared or stressed. It was still daylight, and we were in a peaceful area talking about far removed subjects. We weren't freaking each other out with ghost stories, or even upset. We were both relatively feeling okay. Secondly, we both had quite a few minutes to study the situation. The mind can play tricks for a few seconds, but it's much harder to really have those kinds of moments when you have time to reflect on it, particularly if you aren't scared. And we were verifying things with one another like a few curious scientists when it happened. And third, we both saw it. We both saw it for several minutes.

So, from this experience, I have to gauge that life and reality is not what we think it is. I don't want to sound like the monologue in the beginning of Tales From the Darkside or the Twilight Zone' but really what we saw should have been impossible. There was nobody there. And yet there was. The way I see it, we were either getting a glimpse into the past, or some alternate reality. That felt the most true for what we were looking at. He had no idea we were there, and there were only certain angles where we could see him at all. And why were we seeing him? Why weren't we seeing a past that was nothing but the trees? Because we were almost exclusively seeing this guy. Well, maybe our thoughts and feelings leak into the world around us. Maybe those feelings stain reality. I have no idea of knowing if that is true or not, but it might make sense for those who get strange feelings at places like Gettysburg. We were seeing something that was either happening in some other dimension, or seeing something that had already happened. Why Allison and I were tuned into it is very strange – seeing as we aren't seeing past car crashes being relived on the sides of roads. This isn't some daily Sixth Sense thing for either one of us. Why did this present itself to us exactly? I can only think it's because we were in the right time and place, and we were in some collectively correct state of mind where we were open to it. And I think the fact that this person – whoever, or wherever he was, was suffering a great deal.

This notion is something I have really taken to. It makes me see the world in a different and much more poetic way. Places come to life with the feelings we have on them. The events of our existences create a show on all that is around us, and essences of our existence can be felt beyond time and space. Some part of me will always be laying in the grass by the creek with Zack back in 04', I will always be holding my grandmother's hand watching television in some dimensional reality. Every thought I think, everything I do or say, every connection I make with the world around me is being printed into the world around me, the beautiful and the ugly. And together, all of us are creating this complex mosaic and added meaning to every inch of our reality. In essence our thoughts are painting and sculpting what is real – and not vice versa. We are creating art through the act of living and experiencing. And that is a very beautiful thought. I can't say I believe in it to the same extent I believe in the computer screen in front of me, and I think that blind faith isn't the charming characteristic it is made out to be. I couldn't sit at a dinner table with Richard Dawkins and expect to be taken seriously. But I know there was something to this, and this is my number one suspicion about life. I think people have vibrations that transcend everything we understand. Is there a reason behind this or any concrete way to prove my theory? No. But I see a place on the sidewalk, and I don't just see that place. I see it as a place where people went back and forth to work on, children played and drew chalk on, drunks vomited on, people held hands on. It's not just a chunk of concrete shaped along the earth. It has taken on and transcended it's utilitarian purposes. I don't just see that as symbolic. I see it as very real. I realize that there are flaws in this thinking, and I also realize it's painfully human and self important in a universe that pretty much demonstrates human beings as temporary, obsolete, and destructive in a very petty way. And yet, I can't unsee it.

I guess it's remotely just as possible that what we saw was a ghost, or a demon or that reality is just something I make up in my own head. Perhaps the government or aliens implanted the memory into Allison and my collective skulls. Maybe I invented it all in my mind, maybe it's all a matter of accepting solipsism. I don't really think so. I am open minded to anything, but it didn't feel like any of those things. I don't buy the religious implications of an all out demon – and in any way, it wasn't being very good at being a scary demon as neither Allison nor I were overly frightened, it didn't seem like a ghost but maybe. I highly doubt the government would waste it's time and precious technology on me or my sister – that's more absurd to me than a wiggly reality, and an alien race wasting it's tech on me or Allison for something so meaningless and also seemed equally if not more ludicrous. Though the world could be something I invented in my own thoughts, I really doubt I am capable of that. I just don't think I could create quantum physics and write millions or songs or secretly understand how the universe operates but just fool myself that I am not capable so there is still an element of surprise to living. It just feels like I would do something a little more interesting that waste my youth like this. It's quite possible we are living in a simulation of some kind – which is one of the more probable suggestions I have heard of, but if that is the case, it doesn't really stamp on my previous ideas about reality. And it was still equally just as much of an anomaly.

PART 73 - https://tinyurl.com/y6vy2jeu

PART 72 - https://tinyurl.com/yaegqs9x

PART 71 - https://tinyurl.com/y6v3ln9a

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-70 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-70

#text #life story

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rakuraiwielder · 7 years ago

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I'm working on your ask, but here's some for you: I, A, M, S, P, O, T

Ask prompt here: x

thanks puffin!! this is gonna be long and nostalgic eyy

I - HasTumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

I wouldn’t say “actively dislike” butthe toxicity of fandom on this website has sucked away most of my passion for Voltron lol. I used to really dig itthe first month or so after getting really into it when S2 aired. I still havean unfinished draft for a 7-parter rarepair fic //ey guess my fav duo ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)// sitting in my folders. don’t think I’llbe touching it any time soon though. im rather burnt out from this fandom, evenif I do still enjoy watching all the new seasons thereafter.

another is StevenUniverse ah a. (but in its and my defence, I wasn’t really into it anywaysas compared to other fandoms. the songs are still good, but I haven’t beenkeeping up with the newer Steven bombs, one part because of motivation, andanother because the thought of going into the tags to reblog contentintimidates the heck out of me pffft)

A - Ships that youcurrently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone hasOTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

(puffin this question is gonnatake up half the ask oh god)oh bOY where do I start hahahaha. there’s so many aph and fe callbacks hahaha few otps aside I really have too manycrackpairs and platonic friendship ride-or-die squads I would die for. theseare only a few really relevant ones from the top of my head-

OTPS:

Norway/Vietnam (Hetalia) – alWAYS. i dont talk about and reblog much aph anymore but i still think about these two frequently. they were my first and closestthing ever to an actual otp in all my years of knowing what an otp was gosh Ihope to write about them again soon. their dynamics are the peak of mypreferences.

MU(avatar unit)/Silas (FE Fates) – thechildhood friends + loyal knight and liege trope + a pinch of memory loss wasnever really my thing, but guess there’s a first for everything ha h a ah a….silas is too pure for the angst I put him through im so sorry ಸ ل͜ ಸ

Berkut/Rinea (FE: SOV) – the second that one cutscene of these two played I got1000% more invested in the story pffft. anyways rinea may be top tier fav andberkut shit tier fav, and their story tragic as heck (and I would also arguethat he doesn’t deserve her), but their genuine and honest love for each otheramidst the incoming death flags gets me every time

707/MC (Mystic messenger) – honestly they can either be a really good platonicdynamic duo or a solid otp. purely from the perspective of my own MC, theycomplement each other well; perfect balance of light-hearted teasing and asolid wall of comfort for each other.

Ray-Saeran/MC (Mystic messenger) – ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

(Other) Ships:

Seychelles/Iceland/HK (Hetalia) – they are good togetherromantically or platonically hahahaha. a good golden trio of kids

Russia/Vietnam (Hetalia) – their potential relationship and clashof character due to conflicting personalities fascinate me. a totally differentnoir vibe from norviet and one I hope to explore if I ever come back to aph

Nyx/Leo (FE Fates) – nyx ships are reallyrare but half of them are surprisingly sweet and poignant. Odin and Laslow tooare really sweet candidates to woo this jaded grandma’s heart.

MU/Laslow (FE Fates) – got to thank a wacky7-11 employee au dream I had for this one. but in the games their supportconversations are surprisingly thoughtful and low-key flirting which was notwhat I expected at all. wholesome.

Ham/Kai (MUxMU, FE) – remember when I said protag/protagships are the good stuff? yea h thatprincess tutu au is coming along swell

Alm/Celica (FE: SOV) – the rare main canon couple I love whodon’t die and get their happy ending (LOL this sounds really pathetic now thatI’ve said it)

Leon/Valbar (FE: SOV) – no one is surprised LOL. romantic orno, as long as leon is happy with where he stands with valbar and valbar ishappy with where he is im happy for them both

Conrad/Rinea (FE: SOV) – I know there are a couple of youreading this whos gonna give me that look but liste n; they could have met, and there is potential for them.(honestly this is just like another norviet situation where I put my 2 topfaves together for crackpair experimentation bUT IT WORKS I ASSURE YOU)

Zen/MC (Mystic messenger) – zen is so earnest that I can’t refute himhahaha. he also has a special seat in my mysme heart, since he was the firstroute I played and made me create content for the fandom proper

707/Jaehee (Mystic messenger) – they are rapidly gaining OTP status ꉂ (´∀｀)ʱªʱªʱª aaaa nightmare flashbacks because justlike norviet they really are the rarest of crackpairs and have almost to no content(gonna get down to business and churn fic out one day). these two are moresimilar than they’d think too.

Cecil/Haruka (Utapri) – ahahaha a good ship from a guiltypleasure fandom

(Purely) Platonic:

Izuku/Iida/Ochako (BNHA) – the first golden trio of thisseries. I love them so much.

Vanderwood/MC (Mystic messenger) – they parallel each other. truly thebiggest ride-or-die duo I will support to the end of time

Zen/Yoosung (Mystic messenger) – zen is such a mother hen to yoosungwwwww truly wholesome

Chise/Ruth (Ancient Magus Bride) – platonic master/familiar-partner relationships where both of them care for each other so much to the point where they would die for the other are my one weakness. its the reason i love writing more fleshed-out pokemon aus and loyal dogs/animals in longer fics. anyways these two are good

M - Name acharacter that you’d like to have for a friend.

707. It would be a trip justknowing him. (apart from the memes. but my life is already 80% meme, honestlywhats the difference ahahaha aaa-) Just, I feel like it would be really fun tohang out with him and revel in his wackiness (even if that personality is afront, maybe one day when i finally get into his inner-circle of friends, I hopeto be privy and be a good listening ear to his truer, more sombre personality.)

On the other hand, myself-confidence and 2nd hand embarrassment will be directlyproportional to each other (And im 100% sure Seven is the kind of person whowill exploit that hAH)

S - Show us anexample of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

Every relevant character inMysmes is either a type of asexual (greysexual etc.), or on various points ofthe bi-spectrum. Yeah; even self-proclaimed, “straight-laced” Zen lol.

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (wealways need more ideas)

Vampire/Selkie AU ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

a selkie whose skin gets stolen and hidden from a human man is forced to become his bride and taken back to his village. there, to escape the stares of bigoted villagers and the clutches of her overbearing and possessive husband, she takes refuge in the only place he would not go; the old holy church.

only, she finds she isn’t the first to occupy this place of solitude. the master of the church notices her soon enough, and when vampire recognises the ancient weave of magic that flows within her, he appears; intrigued for something other than a fresh meal.

(basically a deviation from the standard vampire (romance-ish) novels lolol plot bunny hit me pre-Christmas eve dinner/yesterday and sofar im digging it. still planning the ship and fandom though; it might very easily be OC-based)

O - Choose a songat random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

since 1 is never enough, hereare 4 songs I was listening to recently:

Little Knights, Nem feat.Noire : Zen/MC(a zen-ish song through and through)

over and over, Yanagi Nagi : Saeran Choi + 707&MC(more saeran-centric with interpretative lyrics and referencing to both ray andunknown personas)

Finding something to do, HelloGoodbye : 707/Jaehee(fits their “don’t go where I can’t follow” dynamic haha ow.)

Life will Change, Shoji Meguro + Benjamin Franklin feat. Lyn Inaizumi : Kai(mui) or Ham(let)(honestly the entire persona 5 ost is massive fe fates protag feels)

T -��Do you have any hard and fast headcanons thatyou will die defending?

Not really. I’m a very flexible person when it comes tointerpretable lore and content, especially if it’s the type of HCs that thefandom collectively comes up with. Unless it’s a canon fact, I like to dabble orjust stay away from HCs in general. If I have to come up with some in my fics,then so be it. But most of the time these HCs are either super vague or onlyapply to the context in this particular piece or series of writing. Basically Idon’t mind switching HCs for charas frequently as long as it does notfundamentally change their own character. (HCs for hobbies and loves and habitsand relationships apart from their inner circle, etc. are all fine)

Honestly it just boils down to expectations lol I know myown limits, and I know not to be disappointed when canon updates end updebunking (popular) fandom HCs or my own.

#answer and recall #thanks #puffin you never fail to be one no.1 hypeman every time ahahaha

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reignitedspyro · 8 years ago

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June 16th marks the one month anniversary of my father's passing.

The day before it happened, I remember asking dad how he felt. He told me that it hurt to sit, stand, lay and breathe. I asked mom to take him to the hospital if he got worse, he didn't show physically that he was in pain. He was a strong and proud man. The next morning, my sister woke me up and told me that mom was going to take dad to the hospital. From my now open room, I could hear him groaning in agony. Dad never showed that he was in pain, so this was awful. I rushed into my mom's room and saw him laying on his stomach on her bed, mumbling. He would go from "I'm fine I don't need to go to the hospital" to "I need help". We couldn't get him up from the bed, so my sister picked him up and carried him outside. She tried to get him in mom's car, but he couldn't. My sister and I comforted dad on the front lawn while my mom called for an ambulance. I then texted my grandma (mom's mom) that they were taking him to the hospital, and she and grandpa rushed over. I had to go back inside the house to puppy sit our anxious dogs. When the ambulance arrived, the dogs threw a fit. Why are these people picking up dad and taking him away? I watched everything from the front door, trying to keep the dogs quiet so I could listen. It took the ambulance FOREVER to move.. But that was because his heart stopped there, they had to get it started again. Once everyone left, I was home alone with the dogs. This next part is only what I've heard, but I've heard it told over and over as my sister tells it to everyone. They (grandpa, grandma, mom, sister and her husband) arrived at the hospital. They checked in and were given the room number and a sticker for their shirts and they were excited to see him. Then they walked in. His body was already covered, they were removing cables from him. He had already passed. My sister yelled "NO!" and one of the nurses looked at her guiltily, probably should've given them a warning that he was already gone and they were walking into a room with a corpse. My mom couldn't handle it. Her husband, her life long best friend had passed and she didn't get to say goodbye. He was only 56. He was only 56. My grandma and grandpa drove my mom home, sister and her husband staying at the hospital to answer questions. She told me that she held his hand, fully aware he wasn't there anymore, but still held it the entire time. Mom had to get out, she couldn't handle it. She came home and right away told me "He didn't make it." It took a moment for it to register, but once it did I broke down into tears. I clung onto my mom, we both were whimpering apologies to each other. It felt, and still feels, surreal. Like a nightmare we haven't woken up from yet. What happened to my father was a mass on his liver that grew larger and larger until it cut off a main vein, his portal vein. It blocked blood leading into his heart, causing it to stop entirely. He was in so much pain for so long, but no one knew it would be like this. Some days he would seem fine, like he was getting better. The only "good" thing to come from this is that he is no longer in so much pain.

The first week, lots of family came over and visited with us as the news spread fast in our family. We were given lots of food and treats and flowers. We held his memorial on the 25th of May, my sister's birthday. The chapel was packed, so full of people that some were standing in the back. Family, friends, so many people. I was as calm as I could be, trying my best not to cry. I was sitting between my mother and sister, I wanted to comfort my mom. She could barely hold herself together. Since it was a military funeral, a lot more happened than expected. It was A Final Salute. An American Flag was opened then folded neatly and given to my mom. Outside, blanks were fired and three shells were given to my mom. Right after the blanks were fired, one of them played Taps. That's when I lost it. That's when it really hit me again that this was real. After that, my sister went up and spoke in front of everyone with a lovely speech. A few more people followed, which was really great because I was terrified no one would speak. Because so many people did come up and speak, I think that shows just how much my dad was loved. Friends and family spoke, even an old military person who said he knew my father from the moment he entered the base. After that, a slideshow my sister put together of my dad’s life played. It was all the pictures she could find with the song “Like A Rock” playing with it. My mom cried so much, and so did many other people. When it was over, we got to talk to the family and friends. We learned that dad had talked about how my sister was pregnant and that he was excited to be a grandfather. It just breaks my heart so much that he won't get to meet his grandchild.. Everyone kept hugging us, I got overwhelmed a few times and had to step into a corner alone but otherwise I was okay.

After his service was over, things calmed down for us. Last weekend we held a family only celebration of life for him at my aunt's house in the mountains. It was fun, we listened to classic rock, which is what my dad liked to listen to. We all just got together and hung out, I don't think I've ever felt more involved with my family. Then our uncle Doug called everyone over to the front of the house where he and my aunt passed out balloons and we let them go at the same time and said goodbye. I got pictures of it.

This weekend has father's day, which isn't something I'm looking forward to. I have to keep myself distracted constantly, sometimes even overwhelming myself just so I don't think about him and cry. This hasn't been easy on anyone in the family, especially my sister and mother. My mom, sister and I all have depression which has worsened from this. My sister can't take her pills because she's pregnant, so it's very hard for her. And obviously, it's horribly painful for my mom. My mom said it was serendipitous that.. he finished paying off the house the weekend before he died. Thank you dad.

I've heard how they met, my dad was stationed here in our little town and stayed in an apartment near my aunt. He had met most of the family, just not the one who had the graveyard shift. Then when it was Christmas Eve and he had no family or friends, she invited (more like forced) him to join her family so he wouldn't be alone. He was tasked with the job of recording the night, but most of the main focus was on the woman who worked the graveyard shift. He was really interested in her. That was how they met, and it was love at first meet. They hadn't even known each other for a year before they got married in November the next year. I was recently told that my mom got a call from a lady in Ohio (where he's from) who was engaged to him, but he wasn't home at the time. He called her back and told her that he met someone else. They were so good for each other, they love each other so much. It hurts so much that this happened. She lost her lover, her best friend, her rock, her husband, her soul mate. I've been trying to take care of her, and so has my sister.

I've been told it doesn't ever get easier or hurt less, just that you get used to it. We're all doing our best to stay strong. We are taking care of each other and our dogs, who really do miss him a lot. It’s going to be tough, but I think we will get through this the best we can. Piece of cake.

#5/16/17 #death mention #family death

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