#my god that was a home. i havent been to one like it there was a huge hallway
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if you would all allow me to be delusional for a moment - so i went back to staring Very Hard at the neighborhood map and. um. well. im chucking my marbles out the window! as always take all of this with a Hefty grain of salt!
i thought i saw a weird pixel in Frank's window so i zoomed in. then i took a screenshot, and fucked with the contrast/brightness settings. and uhhhhhh
UHHHHHH
FRANK??? HELLO???? HE'S IN THERE? i'm pretty sure im Not seeing things bc that is definitely a vague gray tube-outline with a yellow spot in the shape of Frank's nose. hidden in the dark. and i might be seeing things but in the pane next to his face it kinda looks like his hand is on the window? but! Frank's in there! what the fuck!
so naturally i slowly scrolled through the neighborhood Zoomed The Fuck In. obvi there's nothing in Home's eyes, and Barnaby's & Sally's single visible windows(?) are closed. I couldn't find any out-of-place pixels in Julie's or Poppy's.
but! Eddie's kinda freaked me out a little! look at this shit!
on the top left pane... are those fingerprints pressing into the glass? and in the lower left, is that a fucking Face peering out? a creepy ass face that almost looks like some sort of mask? there seems to be another Shape in the upper right... another face perhaps?
and then there's the weird window shine in the lower right (along with maybe Another face...). it almost looks like a string of letters. there isn't a single pattern/design like that anywhere else in the neighborhood. what's up with that....
oh and also, just went back to double check the post office's display window
there seems to be another face - all the way to the right in the darkness. judging by the shape of the paler (yellowish?) pixels between what must be eyes, i think that's Eddie. and i think i see ears and a hat... not sure though. this one is really tough to see but it's There
(side note: Eddie is totally fucked, isn't he? between the faces(?) and hands behind his door, Home sitting in his display, and the hyacinths by his building, the emphasis on his memory (or lack-thereof) in a project that is, in a sense, About memory... i'm concerned! and eating it tf up! hell yeah lets get funky!)
now i couldn't see any, like, concrete Faces or anything in Howdy's store. but! you can kinda see inside! observe~
in the big open window, you can kinda make out some sort of container on a counter and what might be shelves or a kind of brick pattern. and then above the 100% sign... hold on are those fuckign Eyes? lets take a look zoomed in & without the image adjustments!
yeah those uh. i think those are eyes. Wally-esque eyes peering out of the darkness. though they also mildly remind me of eyespots on insect wings. butterfly eyespots, perhaps. inch resting indeed...
WAIT I LIED!!! there DOES seem to be another string of letter-like symbols in the neighborhood, not just the post office's window shine. now it could be just a wild coincidence, but at the same time it seems kind of... purposeful. like that's not normal shading/coloring.
check out the blue window border on Howdy's Place, next to the apples. the lighter blue pixels seem Arranged. i think i see a clear N, and either an R or a P... along with some other symbols that i don't recognize as anything. the lower ones look kinda like faces? what could the top one be? is any of it anything or am i looking too hard?
in short: they're watching us watch them and there's way more to the map than initially meets the eye....
(edit: i've added a reblog w/ the images outlined! badly outlined but a clearer View of what i see nonetheless! + some notes on more little things outlining helped me notice)
#throttling my laptop WHAT DOES IT MEAN??? WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNNN#got a little spooked there ngl....#noticing the faces(?) in eddie's gave me a lil startle. got a little chill up my spine#I LOVE IT!#im gonna be reeling over this all night....#the implications! the arising questions!! the Choices!!!#frank and eddie being the only ones with their faces in their windows (plus a couple extra)#eddie and howdy having letters/symbols(?) on their buildings#THE EYES IN HOWDY'S STORE!!!#i feel like these are important misplaced pieces of a puzzle i havent even opened yet#god and like. tiny home in eddie's window yeah but that With the eyes in howdy's store?#both buildings - both Stores! - seeming to have hidden letters on them??? WHAT DOES IT MEANNNN#of course i could be just plain insane and seeing things#but some of it.... ough i dont think i am fellas#welcome home speculation#wh speculation#homebogging#ive been meaning to Examine the updated map.... not much Changed or caught my attention but a few things did#why does barnaby have a carton of milk outside his house? something to do with the phrase 'no use crying over spilled milk'?#the flower patch behind julie's house is Oddly green.... kinda reminds me of a body dump#that plus the red thing next to the bowling ball (a ribbon? scissors? something else?) makes me Suspicious#along with a mildly delusional Theory i've had since my first good Examining Of The Map (before the update!)#but thats not what this post is about#theres just. theres interesting things in there!#thank you for reading! i need to go Think about this all....#im feeling the urge to up the contrast/brightness of Every Single Slightly Dark image on the site <3
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#ya know.#after having spent about a month and a half in são paulo with my grandparents i can now confidently say that im ready to go home#and thats not brasil's fault at all and is instead a reflection of who my grandfather is as a person#i love him. i love both my grandparents. but with my grandmother at the stage of alzheimer's shes in he just doesnt have patience#to help her the way she needs. and hes been very very happy to put all of that onto me. EYE give her all her medication.#EYE make sure she bathes. EYE make sure she eats. EYE make sure she stays hydrated (somehow the hardest part of it all)#and theres been multiple times. including about an hour ago. where she says something to piss him off and send him into a shouting fit#and its just so beyond counterintuitive and unhelpful. like shouting and bitching and whining isnt helping anyone#and im ready to pass this responsibility to my aunt after being put into a situation no one warned me about#i was never told my grandmother had deteriorated to this degree. i was never told my grandfather's temper was getting worse.#i was just. never told. and while ive had an incredible time meeting family and seeing things ive never seen before#and enjoying what is the last time i will ever get to do something like this with my grandparents#im also really happy to go home next week. im going to miss brasil so much and ive enjoyed every second ive been here#but im ready to not be the mediator anymore. im ready to have a room to myself again. to not sleep in a cot thats literally (LITERALLY)#1 foot away from my grandparents' in this itsy bitsy hotel room#im ready to not be the sole person shouldering all this responsibility. a responsibility i wasnt warned about in advance#and i hope my father can bring me back to brasil next spring like he says he will so i can see rio. god i HOPE.#anyway. the weather is gray and gloomy today and im feeling a bit maudlin about it all#i hope everyone is well and i miss you all. im sorry for not answering the messages i have. things havent exactly been the easiest lately.#i love you all ♥️ and happy sunday#personal
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anyway. it’s been a rough week
#on my last day of my family vacation and like… it was awful. emotionally#my family are so fucked up lmao and i barely got to talk to either of my sisters bc they both brought plus ones :) :)#and i’m still reeeeeeeling from one of my best friends from college revealing she had a full on affair w a coworker a few years ago#while she was living w her gf… and the fact she kept it secret from me for sooooo fucking long like come on#it explains everything it explains why i havent felt close to her in years there was always this between us. and in all that time the amount#of convos we had abt feeling disconnected and me thinking maybe even I had done something or failed somehow. NOPE!! she’s been lying to me#for years :)))) and years :)) and this isn’t even the first time she’s kept a huge secret LOL#AND. oh my god. my current roommate is finally at the end of her abusive relationship and is actively suicidal rn#she’s watching my cats alone while telling ppl she doesnt care if she lives or dies.. girl no offense but you HAVE to survive one more day#for the sake of my fucking cat. bitch. so i have to deal w that when i get home and it’s going to take up all my time. i just know it#UGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND I STILL CANT FIND A THERAPIST!!!! ive been without one since mine quit being a therapist a year ago#😖😖😖😖😖😖😖 pray for me lmao!
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sry my beef eith that pastor is unending i fucking hate that guy like ugh . he soent maybe 5 minutes talking abt the actual ppl who actually died and then spent 2 hours just preaching and telling us we were all going to hell. is that how it is at all christian funerals. protestant i think if that means anything.
#like he tried to talk himself up abt how close he was eith alda mae and didnt even pronounce her fucking name righttt#and i remember talking with my papaw after granbys service and he was like I fucking hate that guy .#but its like her whole side of the family is buried in this one specific cemetery and her mom was at that funeral home and then a year later#alda mae went to that funeral home like. yk. its judt like The funeral home for that part of the family but god all of us fucking hate it#like nobody liked the service. even if the guy was aldas pastor maybe the extended family liked it better#but like. my immediate/immediate extended family (papaw cousins aunts uncles and then like. immediate) All of us were pissed w how grannys#funeral went. yk. UGH it made me so mad.#nd like. idk. idt thats what my granny would've wanted like . she was religious but i dont think she wouldve wanted the guy preaching to us#abt how we were going to hell. like i think she wouldve cussed him out DJFNFJNG. yk. my granny was not like. a good person . tbh.#tip if an older southern relative you rly rly rly love dies Donttt check their facebook bc yr sad and you miss them and just want to see#their face again. it will rly sour your opinion on them quite quickly. but yk. it did make me mad that service. bc i love my granny and that#service was justtt awful. but it was nice being in the cemetery yk. i cleaned up my great grand tombstone my aunt shae got to see her dad nd#everything. i still havent been able to actually see grannys proper tombstone outside of findagrave but i wanna try n visit this year . if#we get a car. you know. bc the picture is nice its a joint one for her and my papaw. who is not dead yet Obviously and hopefully wont be for#a longgg time hes young. i think hes like 60ish. so hes still got a while thank god. but mannn. wtvr.
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I don't know if you're going to answer this but, Vigilante Tiso, is this an AU of yours? If so, I'm curious about the context of this concept!
Yep! Vigilante Tiso is one of my older and blog popular AU’s for Hollow Knight (based on poll results)
Originally, it started as a joke about Tiso being in Hallownest early just to take the piss out of PK and Lurien, but slowly developed into a more complicated story about Tiso being Xero and Markoth’s son (Xero biologically and Markoth via marrying into the family) as Tiso moved to Hallownest much earlier - eventually putting his distaste for the royalty into become the cities Vigilante that continued through the Infection Outbreak and in-game events. Instead of an arrogant ant that dies in the Colosseum, he’s a hot headed ant that’s been trying to protect survivors of a dying kingdom whilst wanting a solution and is willing to die for it.
A lot of it focuses more on the character relationships as they change and are affected by the story events - particularly with a small family being torn apart as simple mortals in a gods war.
#happy screms#vigilante tiso#its certainly one of my favourite aus tbh#i just havent had the brain power to think for more things for it rn but i also do#im always open to talk about it! the steam died down for it but it still lives rent free#there’s a lot more - but that would be a really long answer lmfao#like how tiso basically becomes vessel dad out of outrage over how the vessels even came to be and treated#tiso whilst still being arrogant and hot headed - is a lot more mellowed out from both heavy trauma and how well xero and markoth did-#-raising him. also the two dont die but aren’t present still for after Infection things until after ETV ending#sometimes i might also doodle for offshoot aus for fun. mostly Pantheon!VT (which is just tiso joining ghost in the pantheons to personally-#-fight the god that tore his happy home apart. its personal)#if the tag length wasn’t obvious enough - i still think very hard about this au because im personally happy with how i’ve written the-#-relationships. hell i’ve been meaning to add something to lurien and tiso’s dynamic :)#basically uh - recommend looking through the tag or asking if anything has changed since it has been years and obviously my thoughts on-#-some things will change
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im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the sky speaks#i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post#anyways onto the rambling#i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll#too busy#also was so sick#but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like#3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin#PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now#and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety#im feeling like i can finally create again !!!!#i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas#but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :)#im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha.#i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years?#god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day.#it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead#i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone#idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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2005 British Grand Prix - Juan Pablo Montoya, Fernando Alonso + Kimi Räikkönen(my personal post-race highlights)
+ Bonus Jenson Button
#me at this race: 'go girl give us nothing!'#sry it just wasnt very exciting and yes ik there is important context but still! no champagne! how was this more boring than the US podium#but gotta respect kimi for still taking a swig despite champagne spraying not being permitted#also sry ik that last gif of nando is super random i just think it is very cute when they drop the bottles down to their teams#okay i think everyone def cursed jenson into not getting a podium by constantly talking about how cool it'd be if he won his home race#but heyyyyyy p2 on the starting grid so thats sick and im glad they showed him post-race#also i will never get over how good the 2005 bar honda racing suit looks like MY GOD ITS PEAK#(ugh ik its reasonable since im back in school but im still kinda disappointed i havent been able to keep up with my prior race a day plan)#(went from 9 races in one wk to barely 3 races across 2 wks wow my range is incredible!! *crying inside*)#juan pablo montoya#fernando alonso#kimi raikkonen#jenson button#we do a little bit of f1#2005 british gp#(2005: 11/19 races watched)#formula 1#f1
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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Having a totally normal one* after waking from a dream where I just relive life with my ex. It was so normal and fine and we did things such as lay around in bed and make plans for the day, go to the Korean supermarket on the corner, go to a friend's house together.
#*if it were in the evening i would be drinking enough to finally drink dial and just fucking ASK all the questions i am making up answers to#what did you want? what do you want now?? honestly could you find it in your heart to hate me and never wanna see me again?#because me saying 'i don't think we should talk for a while' and you saying 'id really like to be friends' are obviously Not It#omg im going to spend my birthday alone for the first time....nearly ever and im just going to go to work and be miserable#i havent been able to stop chewing on the idea of me visiting when i head down to see the fam for christmases#i want him to want me back sooooo bad!!!!#i still think about that dream where i made him pasta#would i take him back? depends on what he said#as much as im pathetic im not an idiot and id need clear evidence to show that he 1. knows what he wants (involving me) and#2. is going to ask for it#because i don't think i ever heard him say a single thing about what he wanted for our future#never said 'hey i want to see you when are you free for me to come up?'#is probably fucking dating now anyway and doesnt WANT me to remember him on new years (our best guess anniversary)#or ask to call because i want to ask questions that will be hard to answer#when all ive ever wanted is the TRUTH#not the strategic answer just the gods honest truth#and i suspect that is 'i dont want to date you i havent for a while i didnt know how to stop or what i wanted instead'#and then i could go home break every object in ny house and move on#try a dating app ot something else to attempt to look forward instead of back#so as you can see -totally normal one
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bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing
#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN#lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳#like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym#anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one#bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once#and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down#literally just used him for free labour and that was that#word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt#if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off#also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS#and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN#LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW#IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS#but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK)#and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up#ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight#and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun#but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway#the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now#hella goes home#hella slaves to capitalism
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so a non-welcome home related ask and i'm sorry if you already answered this before, but what got you into dragons? i'm slowly stalking through your tumblr and i can't help but admire how beautifully and effortlessly you draw the scaley fuckers (/pos) ✨
i've actually never gotten this question, so this is a delight! allow me to Overshare about this
i became interested in dragons at an early age - like, kindergarten / 1st grade age. i don't remember exactly how it started, but i think it was my fascination with dinosaurs, oddly enough? i've loved those guys since some of my earliest memories. it wasn't a big leap from "giant 'lizards' from our past" to 'even bigger mythological 'lizards' from always". the Hobbit and the first Temeraire (im trying to get my hands on the full series now actually) were read to me at this young age too, and the only parts i remember are the big dragon scenes lmao
i do know the ball Really got rolling with the first How To Train Your Dragon movie, which i saw in theaters in 2nd grade. INSTANT obsession with dragons. i'll never forget how it felt to see Toothless for the first time. but in general, i couldn't get enough of em. i made my own dragon manual, i got the Dragonology books, it was the whole enchilada!
then in 5th grade, i stumbled upon the newly released Wings Of Fire: The Dragonet Prophecy book! immediately fell in love with it. and its what pushed me to start actively pursuing art! and also what pushed me into my first online space: ~Deviantart~. i saw all of the amazing art of my favorite dragons and wanted in on it. i can actually pinpoint the main person who's art i loved and found inspiration in: someone named Liighty! i don't remember their user, it's probably changed in the many years since. i loved their stuff and wanted nothing more than to be able to draw like them
long story short, i've been in love with dragons for the majority of my life. HTTYD and WOF have been my biggest inspirations and fuel to the fire, and my first delve into the internet pushed me to start drawing dragons (specifically wof) like my life depended on it. i haven't looked back since!
#and thank you <3 scribbling them does not feel effortless in the least <3 they fight me at every turn <3#and it has taken me so so long to get where i am in terms of skill. i still have a long ways to go but my fucking god#also i do not Ever mind non-welcome home asks ahaha#this blog isnt technically a WH blog! thats just my main fixation at present#eventually ill chill the fuck out and go back to primarily posting dragons / original creations#eventually....#not anytime soon given that The Update is soon and that'll just rev me the fuck up but yk yk#rambles from the bog#i should dig through all of my old sketchbooks for a trip down memory lane...#i still have my very first one. ive havent thrown a single one away#in fact i should have some of my first wof drawings somewhere round here....#i like archiving my artistic journey#but yeah! httyd dragonology and wof! my historic big three!#i actually own every single one of the wof books (except for the latest) and they have their own shelf#my original copy of the first book is still there. in a plastic bag. bc its been loved to hell and back & half of it is falling off#and its not just books lmao i have so much dragon Stuff#trinkets and plushes and pictures (oh my!)#my room is Decked Out in em#theyre just so neat...#started from the bottom and now im here (so many worldbuilding documents and endless sketch pages. and brainrot)
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whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk
#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk.#hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just ....#god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go#in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car#and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour#in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot#i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh#yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half#and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more#and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually#has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for.#entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ.#so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my#hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that#so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he#check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked#and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding#and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing#(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk#i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used#and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i#and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really#appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really#understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway#from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out'#and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that#i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like.#after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away#but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is:#crushposting
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now that ive experienced spending time with other people, its so much harder to be alone.... god i really didnt want this to happen. god, yea. the loneliness really isnt tolerable when i know what its like to have company
#HHHH SO tomorrow is our final and bc my grades dont matter. and tmrw will be the last coear day in taipei before i go home i plan to go#to yangmingshan to see the calla lily festival bc i havent been. so I'd skip class but no one can skip with me bc they need to test well#and like. I'd be p much alone if i went to class bc its a test day. and legit all we'd do is test. bc its our final#but im like :((( but what if i miss out :((( LIKE WHAT. ON WHAT COULD U POSSIBLY MISS OUT ON#YOU HAVE FRIDAY... but like. its rlly hitting me that friday is like. my last day with most of my classmates. and im gonna be travelling#alone for the rest of my time here. and i... i shouldve made connections sooner. im such a fool#i know i can ask my classmates to have dinner with ne one last night before i leave bc I'll have time on the 28th. but. But...#HHHHH im really going home.. god thats weird#god.... anyways. it will be fine. the nature is worth it. i know ill go and forget all my worries anyways
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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