#my girlfriend is sending me doodles of them smooching because she loves me

[youleavethetardisbrakeson]

Corlys Velaryon, if you don't kiss the hell out of your badass, sexy-as-fuck dragonrider wife, I will SHAKE THE TV

[katzirra]

2017 may be the year I grab by the dick and force to be a good year by sheer force of will, but I’m also fucking screaming because it’s the year I’m officially hitting the base of all my emotional and mental trauma and having to push through it and IT IS NOT FUCKING FUN FOR ANYONE. I mean 2016 was the start of it but 2017 is the BRUNT PAIN of it for me.

Most people wouldn’t know or notice because my exterior output but mm. I’m not showing or talking about MAJORITY.

It’s like by nature I am actually REALLY fucking timid and passive and compliant, I just have a very extroverted exterior in relation to once I’ve been provoked or tapped?? I fake energy and excitement and all that to not appear timid and such? I don’t like being asked what I want because I DON’T KNOW?? I’m so... low key. I am a LAZY FUCKING CAT. I am not named Kat for NOTHING. REALLY.

That’s... I don’t want people to do things for my sake? I like companionship. I like people to be happy. I like to feel helpful and needed. I like to do what I can. I’ve spent my life servicing people and being there for people that I don’t know what that question MEANS? I don’t know what I want to do half my days I have FREE TIME?? I am constantly like h-hey who is up to hang out?? And not asking people... -rubs face- I’m trying SO fucking hard to get BETTER about EVERYTHING. ALL. AT. ONCE. ust for MY sake!!

I’m exhausted with being this way... I want to be happy and okay and have less drops and less feeling like I’m awful and more thriving because I know how fucking gOOD of a person I actually am?? I try SO HARD and I work SO HARD and I push myself and I offer to do SO much... I encourage and uplift and I really like positive energy and stuff while still being realistic and... I like all these things about myself. It’s the fact I have bad sides that I reign in and manage that I will get swarmed and drowned by.

I don’t understand that question. Anytime my girlfriend asks me what I want to do when she gets home I’m just like... I don’t know, I have a compliant mood, what is YOUR mood in the mood for?? BECAUSE EVEN WHEN I’M NOT OKAY I WILL SUCK IT UP AND ACT NORMAL FOR OTHERS?? It’s just how I AM?? People can’t FIX those moods for me really and I...-rubs face- I don’t know.

What do I want. I want to be happy and feel like I deserve to be happy? I know at my highest highs I am a good person, I do everything I can for people, I love to do kind deeds for no pay off, I love hearing compliments, I love hearing things people appreciate about me, I am awkward as fuck about it but I love hearing my values. I like to draw for people. I like to write for myself. I like to doodle little things for myself. I like to feel good in my own skin. I like to feel pretty. I like to feel like I mean something. I like being told I love you. I like feeling secure. I like feeling like things are under control and going to be okay.

I want to feel safe in my own skin. I want to know things are going to be okay. I want to know I’m worth my bad days. I want to stop being scared I’ll be abandoned for the next pretty face or better artist friend that waltzes by. I’m so USE to shit, man.

What do I want...

I like conversation. I like existing in a space with someone. I like webcamming and staring at people doing their thing, or catching eyes and just smiling because it makes me happy. I like feeling that thousand mile gap is smaller. I like watching shows and making fun of it or having a good time with it. I like watching movies and making STUPID fucking jokes or referencing garbage ships and amusements because it’s my CHEESE since highschool. I like listening to music together while we do our own respective things because it’s spending time together being productive, and not taking away from eachotyher but... having companionship so it doesnt feel like an awkward silence...? I don’t know... mm.

I love learning about things that people who matter to me like, and I love when people tell me they think I’ll like something or I’d enjoy something. I love the warm feeling in hearing “I thought you’d like it” because it means you took my interests into consideration.

I will CRY at so many stupid things, I yell at myself at how much of an overly sentimental shithead I am because WHEN PEOPLE SEND ME DUMB LINKS ON TUMBLR I LAUGH. MY TAGGED FOR ME TAG IS SO VARIED AND HILARIOUS AND AESTHETIC THOUGH... IT’S ME. IT’S PRECIOUS. My eyes WATER SO EASILY and I just... I don’t know -rubs face- Mm.

The nice shit people send me notes about my personal posts about thank you it helped me. Thank you and good luck. Thank you for showing that side of yourself because it helps. LIKE... I’m o SORRY people know the struggles I deal with too, because I know it SUCKS and I know I’m CONDITIONED in how I respond... fuck. So I know a lot of people STRUGGLE HARDER and it hurts my heart but I’m glad to know me succeeding or seeing me fight gives them a little fight to keep going sometimes...? Mm.. To inspire and ignite the fight to go on. Blah blah blah.

I like feeling like even if I’m a fucked up shithead because I’m fucked for brains emotionally DAMAGED, I am working so hard to UNDO ALL THAT AND IT’S REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR ME. I don’t TALK About half my emotional damage, it just kinda.... EXISTS and I react shitty and timid and fucking MM. I REACT TO THINGS A CERTAIN WAY because that damage exists and I have to OVER WRITE IT.

I have the possibility to overwrite A LOT with my girlfriend visiting and I’m SCARED as fuck to meet her face to face actually!! I have self image issues. I have confidence issues. I am really.... -wiggles hand- odd about things. I don’t want to be too forward, or too timid. I don’t want to this or that - like THERE’S A DOZEN THINGS IN MY HEAD even though actively I’m like; It’s going to be fine. Like brain is running around burning filing cabinets, but reality is like leans back in chair with sunglasses and finger guns, I am so not stressed. I’m excited more than anything.

You know how far I’ve thought ahead? I’m going to get there a half hour early or more, park my fresh bitch new car, remember where I parked, take my 3DS, kill some Pokemon and wait. When she lands? I’m gonna SMOOCH the fuck out of her and greet her with the BIGGEST smile. We’re gonna go to baggage claim and I’m gonna hold her little hand and carry her luggage and we’re gonna get food or something. Everything else is what it is??

Sometime that week we’re gonna go to Crown Center to Crayola Cafe and the crayola store and the fudge shoppe~ I’m gonna give her soooooooo many obnoxious smooches through the week, so long as I have the okay to do so, because whoo boy do I love giving smooches.

We’re gonna go to Zona Rosa where I work~ We’re gonna go on a date to a restaurant sporadically that week and or on our seven month anniversary.

I’m gonna be a WEEPY SAD KAT when she goes home.

THAT’S..... THAT’S IT. I’m not thinking about all the details and shit. I’m not focused on it. My brain is though. My brain is background sifting through past experiences and being like BUT BUT BUT and I’m like shut tHE FUCK UP I CAN’T WORRY ABOUT IT BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT AN IT’S ALL BODY LANGUAGE??

All I can think is I can potentially wipe out all the fucking shit with Alice, Kenna and Cas with this visit just being.... normal!! She ACTUALLY loves me and I’m not a means to an end!! There’s no fucking ULTERIOR MOTIVE. She’s coming here because we wanna be big dumb gays together and we LIKE eachother -  hoooooooooooly shit.

That is LITERALLY all it’s going to take to literally SCRUB OUT A HUGE STAIN IN MY EMOTIONS. It’s going to take just her legitimately landing here and showing me ANY positive emotion/action??

I’d probably light up like a christmas tree with a fucking blush to boot being told I love you randomly and that’d be the fucking ICING on the damn cake.

I am so fucking EASY to rewire because all the struggle to deal with is ME untangling the wires!! My bars are so fucking low that it’s like once I sift through all this shit all I have left is just mm triggers and especially bad memories to deal with, and that’s fights for another day? Even those I’m... passive to? I just kinda feel awkward and uncomfortable in my stomach anymore... -rubs face-

I hate being asked what I want.

I want what I always say I want. Anything you want to do or feel up to doing. I’ll figure out the details if you give me a parameter. I’m okay with the BASIC and BASE existing around someone, most people AREN’T and need some kind of stimulation. I like throwing on stupid music or whatever sometimes...

Asking what I want when I tell you I want to do something with you, depends on if you want to do it. If you’re not up to it - I’m not really up for it then. I don’t know.

I’m lazy ambitious. If there’s no mutual or group gain from me doing a thing, I don’t really want to bother??