#my follow count is so uninspiring for someone who has been running a blog for 10 straight years

[horrorsequel]

honestly i think probably 10% of my followers are actually active

[tribblsrp]

Name: Draco! (Marta)

Pronouns: She/her

Selectivity:  Not much, I guess? Unless a mun makes me uncomfortable or I’m super uninspired for a certain thread or interaction, I’m pretty open to roleplaying with everyone.

Favorite animal: When I was a kid it was the ocelot, but nowadays my answer is much less fancy. Dogs. Puppies. Good boys.

Favorite muse you’ve had so far ever: Fushimi Saruhiko. He’s a fairly complex character who has an interesting balance of insecurities caused by past traumas and terrible life choices that still can’t be completely justified by them.

Muse you kinda wanna pick up: The long list or the short one...? I’d love to add more KH muses once I’ll replay the games, namely Saïx, Xigbar, Roxas, Naminé and Xion. I guess what’s holding me back the most is mainly that I’m kinda missing years of headcanons since I’m fairly new to the fandom. There’s Ardyn, too... and I’m also rooting for Markus, Kara and Connor from DBH.

Most identifiable fictional character: Rokudo Mukuro. It’s been years since that, but back in my day he used to be my favorite muse to write and I would pick him up in as many rp forums as I could. I was even nicknamed after him and even my irl friends back then had a running gag with me and pineapples.

What color your aura is/think it is: No idea, but I’d go with light blue.

Personality stuff you agree with (astrology, mbti, Hogwarts house, etc be as specific as you want!):  All of the mentioned, actually. I’m a libra (leo rising), INFP and Ravenclaw.

Do you think you’re a good driver:  I don’t know, but my reflexes suck so I’ll just stick to public transport.

Favorite minor discourse (pinapple on pizza, what color is the dress, etc):  Pineapple on pizza. I love, most of my friends hate it.

Favorite vine and/or meme: I’m a huge fan of alignment charts, text post memes and incorrect quotes, if that counts.

Why did you choose this muse: I’ll just answer this the other way around. I made this blog mainly for my video game muses, because writing fics about them is too much work.

Favorite rp memory: My girlfriend is not much of a roleplayer, but I had the chance to roleplay angsty 14-chapter ignoct with her months ago. It was my first time writing Ignis, and also I hadn’t yet played ep. Ignis (while she had). Some time later I played it when she was staying at my home and I was sUFFERING SO MUCH BECAUSE (spoiler) i was like focusing A LOT on Ignis’ hopes of having Noct back at least but he knew about Noctis’ fate all alongnhajgfdse

Favorite thing you’ve written, in rp or not: I DO HAVE A FAVORITE THING, and it’s this FFXV post-game fic. Not only I really enjoyed writing it, but also I made at least four people literally cry including myself. An achieved life goal, honestly.

A line/lyrics/quote/etc you like or that means a lot to you: “Different universe, but somehow the same people had a way to find each other”

Give a shout-out to someone: I always suck at these, but:

@inchvins: VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV me alegra mucho que volvieras ;; cuando me hice el blog nuevo apenas seguí a gente del anterior, y la mayoría se había cambiado de urls y eso así que era todo un desastre y no sabía quién era ni dónde estaba nadie, pero no te veía por el dash y DDDD: y luego vi que el otro blog también estaba inactivo, así que fue hello darkness my old friend. pERO AHORA ESTÁS AQUÍ y tenemos que rolear mucho de nuevo 👀 aunque apenas tengo aún OCs nuevos porque casi no he tenido inspiración para esos, pero como pLOTEAR CONTIGO ES TAN FÁCIL Y BONITO seguro que en ná estamos en ello (?)

@lordofblacksand: One of the things that I like the most about tumblr rp community is the great variety of characters one can find here, especially since I’m a huge fan of crossovers myself, so when you first followed me I was losing my mind over seeing someone roleplay Mozenrath. It’s great to read you and write with you, really.

@hollowrage​: Can’t say I’ve roleplayed a lot within the KH fandom, so it’s not like I’ve seen many different Saïx muns but he’s a character I love and I really, really like your portrayal of him. I tend to feel like I get too carried away in our threads but tbh they’re playing a huge part on how fond I’m becoming of Axel.

@royalbestie​: yOUR PROMPTO IS THE CUTEST??? He’s a huge dork, I love your portrayal of him and I’m really looking forward to roleplaying more with you. Also, you seem like a really nice person, I simply enjoy seeing you in my dash.

@crowncoded​ Even though I write lots of muses myself, I kind of admire how you can pull off different muses and do a great job portraying all of them and capturing their essence, it’s just nice to read you. Also you and your fiance are really cute.

Tagging: Everyone up there except for Allen bc they were the one to tag me.

[riverlakepondstream-blog]

I Spent a Week Writing Random Shit, and Now, I’m Presenting it as a Blog Post

-A Compilation of Useless Thoughts-

One day, it’ll get better. Today is not that day. Today is… Friday..? Yeah, it’s Friday. Yay. I get two days to not do what I need to do.

I want to live in Boston or New York City. I kinda like North Carolina? I used to want to live in Ohio, but I realized that I couldn’t handle the snow. I know it snows in Boston and NYC, but I can get more done there. Or not.

I hate myself a lot and I feel like that’s just normal now, so I never talk about it. Does this count as talking about it? Whatever, fuck it. I hate myself <3

I think I’m going to be fine, but I have to get something done before that’s even remotely possible.

Took a personality quiz. It said I was a “Campaigner.” Does that mean I should go into politics? I could be president. No I couldn’t. I don’t want to be.

Amy Nelson has nice taste in music. I want to be her friend.

I’ve realized that I’m never going to settle down. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

I’ve recently discovered that I’m not good at anything. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Like, I genuinely can’t do anything that’s of value to anyone. I’m kind, and I can make people smile and laugh. I could do so many things with that, but I don’t have any platform to use that on.

I’ve been trying to do the whole YouTube thing, but I don’t have anything to edit with. I’m so uninspired, it physically hurts.

I feel like white people don’t even realize when they’re being racist sometimes.

Run me over w a bus please and thank you.

I can get up to $1,000,000 if I do a porno on my eighteenth birthday. I mean, I’m no good for anything else, so why the fuck not? I follow a lot of pornstars on Instagram, and they seem pretty happy.

I want to write a short film, but I can’t because I’m stupid. Fucking fuck my stupid ADHD ass brain. People always say shit like “Adam Levigne has ADHD, but he’s rich and famous, so you can’t say it makes you useless,” but like. He’s an artist. He can do things. I’m an idiot. I can’t do anything. I feel like my brain is decaying from all the negativity. Is that possible? Can your brain just get tired of your shit and start shutting down? Sounds like something my brain would do. I wouldn’t blame it.

I don’t like humans because we cheat natural selection. I should never have made it this far, if natural selection had its way with me. But no, I’m not allowed to just give up and let the world do its thing because I have to contribute to society.

What would I even contribute? I have nothing useful to say. Fuck, I’m so negative. I tend to drown in my self-loathing/self-pity when I’m left to my own devices, and I’m about ready to rip my brain out and get a new one. Fuck, can I do that? Can I get a brain transplant?

Positivity is exhausting. Things are gonna get better. Things are gonna get better. Things are gonna get better. Things aren’t gonna get better until I make them better. I can’t make them better until I stop being so fucking sad about nothing.

I love acoustic songs with weird ambiguous lyrics that make you want to get drunk off whiskey in the woods and dance around a fire. Is that weird? I haven’t been in the woods in forever, I feel like they’re calling to me.

I’m going to give up everything and go live in the woods and do black magic and play acoustic guitar and dance around a fire naked all night.

Sometimes I think about the fact that I’ll never see everything on Earth, and it makes me really mad. Do you capitalize “Earth?” I’ve seen it both ways…

Got a job. Yeet.

Memes are good. Memes connect people. I’ve made so many friends through memes. Fuck adults who say memes are pointless. Does everyone think adults are fucking idiots when they’re 17? Or am I just a pretentious asshole who thinks she knows better than everyone else?

I like heavy metal a lot. It makes me feel like I can be whatever I want and just say “Fuck the world!”

I prefer songs without words because they make you connect to the music, instead of just hearing it.

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art? I’m 99% positive that life and art are the same thing. Like, the only thing humans have that animals don’t is art. Art is fucking lit.

Fuck the ocean.

Marimbas are cool. I want to learn to play one.

I’m starting to be able to think about people who used to be my friends and the good times we had, and not helplessly wish they were still my friends. I think that’s a major improvement.

I love my best friend, but I can’t help feeling like he secretly hates me, and I think I’m starting to push him away out of fear. Fuck anxiety.

I want to publish all my ideas for short films and sketches and shit, but I really just want to complete them all. I wish I had friends who were into filmmaking and that shit because I can’t do shit on my own, especially because I don’t have resources. Maybe I should find one of those “Online community” things.

I never feel welcome anywhere and I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t found a place I’m welcome, or if I’m just letting my brain fuck me over again. Probably both.

I can’t be on a balcony or rooftop without considering jumping off.

I’m not happy but I really want to make other people happy.

I hate kind people because I feel like they shouldn’t waste time on me, but I crave their attention.

I need to be held sometimes. Just scooped up and held by someone who wants me to be happy.

Every line on this page started with “I” and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Fear is the strongest emotion. Love is not an emotion; love is a promise.

Money could solve all my problems.

Never let your words be empty and meaningless. Every word you say can and will reach someone else, and it’s your responsibility to make sure they hear what you’re feeling when you speak. Every time you talk to someone could be the last time.

Fitting in sounds so awful to me. I need to stand out and I need attention 24/7. I don’t know how to make that into something positive.

I feel like I can’t rest until I’ve gotten something done, but I just don’t know what the fuck to do.

Being half white is weird because everyone is like “You’re basically white, though,” but like no, my dude, I’m half white.

I miss my family. Whatever I do in life, I want to make sure that I make enough money to bring them all together, because we shouldn’t be this far apart.

[burntorangepress]

Just Like Starting Over

In “You’ve Got Mail”, Joe Fox types: “Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” I love Chicago in the fall. Any metropolis that includes leaves and seasons, really. My basic side dons scarves and drinks hot apple cider, while the teacher in me entertains visions of giving Aaron Sorkin-esque rousing speeches in my courses that inspire my students to refer to me as “O Captain, My Captain” in a way that is neither snide nor ironic. While I fall prey to the NYE resolutions cliche like most everyone else who subscribes to a Gregorian calendar, it’s autumn, specifically the start of the fall semester, that inspires me to change. 

Resolved. Resolute. I have lists that include these words magnet-ed to my refrigerator, posted to Facebook and written into day planners and journals. I make these pledges to myself and others to varying degrees of success: I ran (well, mostly speed-walked) a 5k, lost (and regained most of) 75 lbs. and am two years into winning the right to form a union where I teach, but we have yet to win a contract. I wrote poems and posted them to my blog during NaNoPoWriMo, for the bulk of the month anyways. I wrote some flash fiction and drew some owls during my office hours, sporadically at best. I have written roughly 60% of a creative non-fiction memoir and two children’s books, the latter two of which I have also (partially) illustrated. I have masses of poems, in varying stages of completion, saved to thumb drives and Google drives and notebooks, with little to no organization whatsoever. So why can’t I finish what I start? How is that I, a teacher who focuses on process into product, cannot develop a healthy and/or creative habit and make it stick to completion?

On Facebook, I recently shared the following:

“This fall, I will:

• Teach 5 courses with new eyes and new expectations. • Finally read "Infinite Jest". (Hold me to this, [name redacted]) • Establish and keep a habit of writing, making, and eating and moving mindfully. • Turn 37. • Continue my work with Faculty Forward to negotiate a contract for Loyola contingent faculty. • Continue to remain politically active and aware and to practice that in all facets of my life. • Stop apologizing for owning a t.v. and enjoying pumpkin spice everything.”

I shared this because one thing that has worked for me in the past is being accountable to others. I lost the most weight when I was going to Weight Watchers meetings. The techniques and community were of little to no help to me, but knowing I would have to weigh in in front of an employee there, that someone whose name I did not even know would see whether I had gained or lost that week was a huge motivator. I stuck with running - which I am both bad at and detest - because I was enrolled in a group. There were multiple cohorts of runners, one group of run/walkers (which included me) and one group of just walkers. Three weeks in, every run/walker in my section had dropped out, except for me. Though my coach and I never really connected, I dutifully showed up every week to slowly huff and puff down the Lakeshore at her side because the only thing I could think of that would be worse than running would be not living up to my commitment to her. I really love painting, but I haven’t so much as put brush to canvas since the Intro. to Oils community arts course I was taking ended months ago. One Sunday, I was hungover, sleep-deprived and uninspired, but I dragged myself to class and painted for three hours rather than skip out on a classroom full of strangers. So why is it that I will bend over backwards not to disappoint others, but will accept almost any excuse as a reason to break a promise to myself?

The list above has a mix of commitment levels: my partner and I plan to read “Infinite Jest” together, (see also the parenthetical passing off of responsibility to him above) so as long as he stays with it, odd’s are I will, too. My union work and activism are tied to many other people I care for and respect, so I have little doubt I will follow through on both of them thanks to my community. Turning 37 is going to happen whether I resist it or not, so that one’s pretty much in the bag. Teaching is my passion and my livelihood, and I’ve made massive changes to my syllabi this semester, so I will definitely teach in new ways thanks to painting myself into a corner where it will be hard to phone it in or quit in that respect. I may have to work on not feeling badly for consuming T.V. and nutmegy carbohydrates, but I think I can eat my apologies there, too. It’s “Establish and keep a habit of writing, making, and eating and moving mindfully” that has me worried. 

So today, I taught well. I contributed to a cause I believe in and my union, too. I watched T.V., sans apologies, though that’s far easier when it comes to Issa Rae’s “Insecure” than it is when I’m binging guilty pleasure tripe t.v.. I aged one day closer to my birthday. “Infinite Jest” is waiting on my nightstand to have its spine cracked on 9/1. I sweated on the StairMaster for less time than I once could, but more time than I have in a while. I tracked what I ate on my Weight Watchers app and stayed within my boundaries for the day. I wrote this, which doesn’t move any of my existing pieces towards completion, but does count as me practicing the art of applying my butt to the seat and making new words. So there’s today. There’s today, but...

In “Car on a Hill”, Joni Mitchell sings that it always “...seem[s] so righteous at the start/ When there's so much laughter / When there's so much spark”. I’ve been in this honeymoon period with my best intentions before. I’ve lied to myself and betrayed my own trust and given up on myself completely before, too, just as many times. But, as of today, I’m one for one on changing that habit. I think I’m still just optimistic enough to take those odds, because failing again in front of you, dear reader, sounds worse than not trying at all.