#my first character was actually a human inquisitor

[eastern-lights]

I have mentioned my Dragon Age colour theory assigning spirits and demons to each installment and I am pleased to report that Veilguard actually fits right in. Basically

Origins: Despair, inflicted by the Blight but also suffered by Loghain (who is driven to atrocities by desperation). The Warden represents Valour, a possible opposite of Despair (also the first benevolent spirit they meet in the Mage origin). Valour is not just about bravery, but also self-sacrifice, which is a big part of the Warden's storyline.

DA2: Rage, that of the Arishok, but also Anders, Orsino and Meredith. Anders does what he does due to helpless rage at the injustice he is forced to witness every day. Hawke represents Love. It is their love for their family and eventually Kirkwall that motivates everything they do, and even though they fail to save Kirkwall, it is potentially their love for their companions that allows all of them to emerge alive.

Inquisition: Fear. The heroes fight it both literally in the form of Nightmare and figuratively by giving hope to the people. Fear is also what drives Corypheus, fear of there not being gods. The Inquisitor represents Hope. At mutliple points in the story, they have to come to terms with the fact that sometimes, hope is needed more than the truth, and they craft themselves into a figure that would bring hope to others even at the cost of their own individuality.

Veilguard: Pride (of course). Apart from it being Solas' literal name and the motivation that drives all three elven gods (the notion that only they know what's best for the world), the companion quests all include the characters swallowing their pride in one way or the other. Rook (bear with me) represents Wisdom. For all their snark and chaos gremlin tendencies, they also prove time and again that they have a deep understanding of human nature, as well as a firm grasp on morality. They are not the strongest or the most charismatic or the most powerful, but when push comes to shove, they are wise enough to listen to advice, to give it in return and potentially to find the good that is left in the heart of the God of Lies.

[aur-eliaa]

Man replaying Inquisition has me so nostalgic...I missed Dragon Age so much. Just remembered that I got so upset about Trespasser that I straight up deleted my initial Lavellan who had romanced Solas lmao.

[felassan]

New today on DA:TV from Game Informer:

"A Deep Dive Into Dragon Age: The Veilguard’s Expansive Character Creator by Wesley LeBlanc on Jun 27, 2024 at 02:00 PM As BioWare prepared to show me the character creator for Dragon Age: The Veilguard in its Edmonton, Canada, offices, I expected something robust – it's 2024, character creators have come a long way, and Bioware has a rich history of good customization. Despite my expectations, I was not prepared for how robust it actually is in Veilguard. Robust enough, even, that BioWare used it to create most of the NPCs in the game, save for mainline characters like companions. Setting hyperbole aside, it is a staggeringly rich creation system, and I look forward to seeing player-created near-replicas of celebrities and monstrous creations that'd be more at home in a horror game.  But I'm also looking forward to the community's reaction to the Dragon Age series' best character creator yet. At the heart of it is inclusivity, Veilguard game director Corinne Busche tells me before letting me guide her through creating my own character."

"As is usual, there are four races to choose from: Elves, Qunari, Humans, and Dwarves. After selecting Qunari, Busche pages through various presets, explaining the game allows for more detailed looks at each and the ability to choose pronouns with she/her, he/him, and they/them separately from gender, select different body types, and more. You can view your character, referred to as Rook in-game, in four different lighting scenes at any time, including The Veilguard's keynote purple hue, a bright and sunny tropical day, and a gothic night.  I joke with the team that after spending upwards of an hour creating my Dragon Age: Inquisition character in 2014, I immediately restarted the game after seeing him in the first cutscene; the in-game lighting made my hair color look terrible amongst other issues I had with my Inquisitor. Veilguard creative director John Epler says the team is aware of countless stories like that with Inquisition and its green-hued character creator, adding BioWare worked hard to squash that concern in Veilguard.  Head and body presets can be selected individually and customized to your liking with 40 different complexions that include smooth, rugged, youthful, and freckled skin tones, skin hues ranging from cool to neutral to warm, undertones to those skin tones, and even a melanin slider. Busche tells me BioWare relied on consultation to represent all people authentically. There's a Vitiligo slider (where you can adjust the intensity and amount of it) and sliders for your forehead, brow, cheeks, jaw, chin, larynx, and scalp. You can select your undergarments, with nudity as well because "this is a mature RPG," Busche adds, and use the "Body Morpher" to select three presets for each corner of a triangle and then move a cursor within it to morph your body or head into a mix of these presets. It's an impressive technology I'd like to see adopted in other games. [link to embedded DA:TV gameplay reveal video]"

"I can keep going: You can adjust height, shoulder width, chest size, glute and bulge size, hip width, how bloodshot your eyes are, how visible cataracts are, the sclera color, how crooked your nose is, how big its bridge is, the size of nostrils and the nose tip, and there are as many sliders, if not more, for things like Rook's mouth and ears. On ears alone, I see you can adjust asymmetry, depth, rotation, earlobe size, and even add cauliflower ear to your Rook. Busche says makeup blends modern stylings with the fantasy of Dragon Age with more than 30 options, including eyeliner intensity, color, glitter, eye shadow, lips, and blush. Tattoos are just as customizable alongside options for scars and paint. Tattoos, scars, and paint are very culturally relevant to some lineages, BioWare tells me, with unique tattoos for elves, for example. You can add tattoos to Rook's face, body, arms, and legs, and you can adjust things like intensity, too.  Im most impressed, however, by the hair options on display; there are a ton, and as someone with long hair, I'm especially excited about the fun selections I can make. You can finally dye your hair with non-traditional colors, and it's gorgeous. EA's Frostbite engine uses the Strand system to render each style fully with physics. "The technology has finally caught up to our ambition," Dragon Age series art director Matt Rhodes says. After customizing all of that and selecting our Qunari's horn type and material (of which there are more than 40 options to choose from), it's time to pick a class out of the Rogue, Mage, and Warrior – read more about Veilguard's classes here. Since we built a Qunari, we went with Warrior. For the penultimate step of the character creator, at least during the demo BioWare shows me, we select a faction. Out of the six options, we select the pirate-themed Lords of Fortune."

"Rook ascends because of competency, not because of a magical McGuffin," BioWare core lead and Mass Effect executive producer Michael Gamble tells me in contrast to Inquisition's destiny-has-chosen-you-characterization. "Rook is here because they choose to be and that speaks to the kind of character that we've built," Busche adds. "Someone needs to stop this, and Rook says, 'I guess that’s me.'" Ready to begin our Rook's journey, we select a first and last name and one of four voices out of English masculine, English feminine, American masculine, or American feminine options. There's a pitch shifter for each voice, too, allowing you to tweak it to your liking further. Don't stress too much about locking in your character creations before beginning the game – the Mirror of Transformation, which is found in Veilguard's main hub, The Lighthouse, allows you to change your physical appearance at any time. However, class, lineage, and identity are locked in and cannot be changed after you select them in the game's character creator.  From here, we're off to Minrathous, and you can read more about that famed city in our cover story, which is available here. For more about the game, including exclusive details, interviews, video features, and more, click the Dragon Age: The Veilguard hub button below."

[source]

[open-sketchbook]

my girlfriend is asking for where she can find your written works, she really likes the one post you made about your mindstate wandering w/r/t making porn stories and she'd love to support you & read your stories

Sure!

I write my (public) fiction on the website Sufficient Velocity, a sci-fi forum. Most of them are in the form of 'quests', interactive stories; my day job is an independent tabletop roleplaying game designer, so the two things go hand in hand.

I unfortunately am both very busy and kind of a mess mentally, so fiction gets picked up and dropped a lot, and I write less than ever these days due to the shambles that my life has become.

For my quests, the stuff I'm proudest of is...

Castles of Steel, a longrunning (though currently on hiatus) story set in an alternate world much like our own, but with radically different gender politics. It's about the first woman in the navy of a country a lot like 1910s Imperial Japan, and more generally about how state power and imperialism entangles itself with and recoups social progress.

A Splinter in your Mind, a retelling of the Matrix with new characters and reimagined twists and worldbuilding. It makes the trans subtext into trans dommetext, and I feel its some of my cleverest writing.

Suffer Not, and especially its sequel The Witch Lives. Suffer Not is a Warhammer 40,000 fic about an Inquisitor who abuses her powers to actually make people's lives better, and is the story of her slowly realizing it is not enough. The Witch Lives takes place ten years later, following the grown up psyker the Inquisitor adopted, and focuses much more on faith, history, and the little people.

The Spider-Liv Trilogy started as a silly and honestly kind of bad extreme-divergence spiderman AU, but its sequel The Amazing Arachne is, I think, genuinely really good, because it's about what happens when a superhero gets hurt and then doesn't get better.

I've managed to properly publish two pieces of writing, as in you can get them in book form, and I'm still really proud of both.

Whispers from the Deep is an adaptation of the quest that defined the setting of my roleplaying game Flying Circus. It's about a young woman who steals a plane and runs away from her abuser with her boyfriend, and then has to take up life as an aerial mercenary in a 1920s-themed post-apocalyptic fantasy world. Also, she's a fish person and her village is a Cthulhu cult!

Lieutenant Fusilier in the Farthest Reaches is a pastiche of the Richard Sharpe books by Bernard Cornwell, moving the setting from the Napoleonic Wars to a bizarre future world where sentient, cheerfully productive robots were invented in the early 19th century and promptly took all the jobs, elevating all of humanity to the gentry and then to the stars. It's about a redcoated robot soldier who uses her immortality to save up and buy a commission in the Army of Great Britain and Beyond, a position normally occupied exclusively by humans, and then facing the fallout of her decision and the life choices leading to it as her first deployment spirals out of control. It's also, sorta, a parody of Star Trek; the Galactic Concert is a mechanized, Regency-themed Federation, and the back half of the book is basically about how the problems of a world cannot be solved by an away team of well-meaning people with stun pistols.

[dalishious]

Reclaiming Independence of the Dales

Before anything else, I’d just like to clarify that that vast majority of this is made of my own ideas, based on interpretation from the little canonical information provided, and a little inspired by my own people’s history and governing structure. Additionally, what I am presenting here is an ideal situation, not necessarily what I think is an immediately realistic outcome in the world-state established. So, please keep that in mind.

The Dales were established as a homeland for elves—a small piece of a continent that was once called their home in its entirety, before the humans colonized it—by Maferath in -165 Ancient. This was in reward for the eleven people’s participation in the fight against Ancient Tevinter. But in 2:10 Glory, Divine Renata I broke this treaty and declared an Exalted March against the Dales, ending in its annexation by Orlais.

[Related Post: All You Need to Know about the Exalted March of the Dales]

If Solas has very low approval with Inquisitor Lavellan, and Lavellan accuses him of not doing enough to help their people, he will say the following: “You could order Halamshiral returned to the Dalish, if you wished. But ultimately, you know that would fail. That even you cannot solve this.” I hate this with a burning passion. The reason I can’t do that, Solas, is because it’s not an option in the game! Why are you as a character angry at me, the player, for not doing something that is not an option for me to do? Why was this written? Just to push the point that it’s not worth it to try and fight back against oppression? Because if I refuse to accept hopelessness in real life, why would I in accept it in a video game where the story is made-up, and therefore anything is possible if the developers so wish it.

Regardless, according to Solas, the Inquisition has enough power to support the reclamation of an independent Dales. I imagine this would require a lot of political maneuvering within the Orlesian governance, and therefore I think the best opportunity to do this would be with Briala ruling through Gaspard. This would then later open the door for Briala to be the leader of the newly independent Dales, too. I would like to see Briala as ruler of the Dales not just because she is a favourite of mine, but because I genuinely believe she is the best established character fit for the job. She was trained in everything Celene was trained in, has first-hand experience in court, has extensive connections, and has demonstrated her ability and desire to utilize these skills and assets for the benefit of elven kind.

Briala’s blackmail on Gaspard may help prevent Orlais from invading again while under his rule, but to last longer, the Dales would need to establish itself as a strong, independent Nation with allies. This is why I believe it would also be important to have Leliana as Divine Victoria in such a world-state where this could happen. Leliana re-canonizes the Canticle of Shartan, and in making it available for the common person to understand, would ideally help sway the minds of the average Andrastian into supporting the Dales’s independence. The nobility would of course be much trickier, because they and the Chantry are the ones who actually benefitted from its annexation—but there is little they would be able to actually accomplish if they did not have the power of the people behind them.

As far as allies go, Ferelden could only gain from Orlais losing control of the Dales, because it would mean cutting Orlais off from a lot of Ferelden’s border, therefore reducing the threat of another invasion. Additionally, a leader with just plain good morals like say, Alistair, would easily accept the elven kingdom’s return. But even Anora is willing to grant part of the Korcari Wilds to the Dalish if Mahariel requests it, and while this sadly doesn’t last, it does show a positive sign into her potentially being open to the idea of an independent Dales as well.

I sincerely doubt that all Dalish clans would return to the Dales and re-settle down. After all, they have developed differentiating cultures over the years of wandering in separated groups, with different ideals and different ways of life that they might not want to give up. But many would return, and that would likely create conflict between the elves coming from the Dalish clans and the elves coming from the cities. We know that some prejudice exists against “flat-ears” as some Dalish call those from the city, and we know that city elves have adopted a lot of misinformation from humans into their views of the Dalish. It would take time and positive leadership to reconnect the people, without risking falling into some sort of hierarchy based on origin. This is why I do not believe one group or the other should single-handedly rule alone. Rather, I think there should be a Grand Council of High Keepers made up of those voted into the position each to represent a single district of the Dales. (I like the idea of there being seven High Keepers, not just because there are seven traditional districts of Mi’kma’ki, but because it works out that there seven of the Creators. So it makes sense that there would be seven High Keepers.) The Grand Council would meet and make decisions together, with one appointed leader at the head to act as the Council’s chair.

In terms of protection and order, the Emerald Knights should be reformed. This would include the Fade Hunters, to protect the people against demons and maleficarum, with there being no Circles or Templars.

Restoring the independence of the Dales would lead to a revival of elven culture in ways that could never happen before, because they would actually be free to pursue re-learning the language, re-discovering the history and culture, and sharing it all amongst each other. They would not have to fear arrest the crime of simply being an elf.  

But what of the other races presently living in the Dales? I see no reason why they would have to leave, so long as they would be willing to follow the Grand Council’s leadership. I imagine many nobility would flee to Orlais, simply because they would not stand for it. But for the average human or surface dwarf, their life wouldn’t really even change much; they’d still be managing their farms the same as always. Hell, it might even improve things for them, assuming the Grand Council gives fairer treatment than the nobility previously.

[goosewriting]

I have an inq!cal thought!

Reader and cal both having a crush on the other when they were both on the mantis and just when they finally admit it to the other and get together something happens and cal is presumed to be dead but actually he’s been captured by the empire and turned into an inquisitor and then during a mission reader is on she runs into cal 👀

And like it could be a good ending OR Cal’s conditioning wins and he kisses reader as he runs them through after reader says they can’t fight him and like uh I am very partial to the angst ending

The Bad Ending

summary: years after thinking Cal is dead, reader meets him again as an Inquisitor. 

relationship: inquisitor!Cal Kestis x gn!reader

warnings: mention of character death, also actual character death (ahem, you, ahem), yummy angst

word count: 3k

A/N: i too, am very partial to the angst ending so, bon appetit 😌 no but seriously this has been sitting in my wips for FAR too long, i really loved this idea so i hope i made it justice! thank you sm for requesting and the patience dearest anon<3

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

— — —

Somewhere in the Outer Rim, it’s early dawn on a small, often overlooked planet. The first rays of sun hit your face as you’re helping a fellow resistance fighter in loading a truck with some supplies, and it makes you squint. You stop your motions to block the light with your hand held to your forehead, and for a split second, you see a head of red hair in the corner of your eye. Your body reacts on its own, immediately turning and craning your neck to find him. But it’s a false alarm, obviously. The ginger human gives you a weird look as you’re staring, then shrugs their shoulders and keeps walking. 

Heaving a sigh, you load the last of the crates, shaking your head at yourself in embarrassment. It’s already been years since you last saw him. Since you saw any of them. The crew of the Stinger Mantis.

You can’t help the small smile on your face when you think back to everything that you went through together. All the adventures, the missions…the sneaking out. Stolen glances here and there, lingering touches that may have meant something more, making the most of every moment because you knew it could be the last. Except that you didn’t actually believe that. All of you knew how risky the missions were, aware of the dangers that seemed to loom around every corner. But you hoped to, wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. None of you was invincible, you knew that. But to think that he would just be… gone. It still stings. 

When retrieving the Holocron on Bogano, the Second Sister confronted Cal in the vault, except that you never saw him come out. By then, the Stormtroopers had overrun the place, so you had to leave. But you came back, multiple times, searching for him. Every time unsuccessful. 

At some point, you came to terms with the fact that she had probably killed him in the vault, a place you couldn’t access as you’re not Force sensitive. The thought of Cal being in there, bleeding out, alone, BD probably also dismantled by the Imperials… The thought makes you shiver to this day.

Losing Cal took a toll on everyone, and it didn’t take long for the Mantis crew to split up after that. Cere took it particularly badly, blaming herself for the failures, both with Trilla and Cal. Ever since then, you’ve never seen or heard of either Cere or Greez again. So you were on your own. 

You’ve been lying low, helping out more from behind the scenes instead of getting into the action like back then. But you can’t deny the fact that you miss Cal every single day. Despite knowing that you’ll never see him again, you can’t help but wonder “what if”. Back then, you two had something going on. You were actually planning on confessing to him after you safely got off Bogano with the Holocron. But those plans were cut short by one very grumpy Inquisitor. You still regret not having told him sooner, as you were fairly certain he felt the same way. To this day, you still dream with Cal at night, picturing what life would be like if he was there with you.

Shaking your head to focus on the task at hand, you look down at the fruit you’ve been holding in your hand. You were so lost in thought, you didn’t even notice that the loaded truck was long gone, and your feet brought you to the city market. The vendor at the stall you’re standing at looks at you suspiciously, so you shoot them a quick smile and put the fruit back into the basket, then stroll to the next stand.

Focusing back on the task at hand, you force yourself to shove the painful memories aside to make room for a mental plan. The rebellion is growing every day, and that means the amount of mouths to feed is increasing as well, so you’re to get provisions at the market. Other supplies like tools and machinery parts were sent off just earlier. The food you’d bring yourself to a hidden spot where your contact told you they’d pick it up. You just have to find a way to smuggle it all out of there unseen by the imperial troops, who walk around the place in regular patrols.

You actually have your suspicions that your contact is either a Jedi themselves, or someone who’s working closely with one, as there’s been rumours here and there about someone with mystic powers having arrived in the village. No matter if they’re true or not, you really hope the rumours will settle down quickly, as it will undoubtedly attract unwanted attention.

After you’re done with your shopping spree, you look at your haul, which occupies several large crates. You grimace slightly, as it’s more than you anticipated. Maybe you can ask that one farmer who owes you a favour if you can borrow his cart, since you can’t carry all of this on your speeder. Getting your holopad out of your satchel, you double-check the drop-off place, and conclude that hiding the crates there will be quick work. The problem is the cart itself; hopefully with enough hay you’ll be able to cover them all to go by unnoticed. 

So that’s exactly what you do. The farmer is more than happy to help, and you feel a little bad knowing that you’re about to leave his cart at the pick-up spot, then tell him that there was an accident and it broke down, getting swept away by the river which conveniently ends in a waterfall not far away. You’ll pay him for the cart of course, but even so… you’re essentially lying to his face. While in this case, the end does justify the means, this part of the job still doesn’t get any easier for you. 

It’s the same afternoon when you’re loading up the cart. The animal pulling it is tame and knows you, so you bring some extra treats for her. Once you’re done putting on the harness and hiding your crates, you head out. It’s a sunny day, and except for the occasional bleating, the clicking of your tongue and the clinking of the reins, there's not much else. 

The air is calm, and you allow yourself to hum a little tune to yourself. As you arrive at a narrow passage between two walls of stone that leads into the valley, the path turns a sharp corner and you can’t really see ahead. Only once you fully turn are you able to take in the image before you, and your blood runs cold in your veins. Not far in front of you, there’s a shuttle parked on the road, blocking your way, and half a dozen Stormtroopers stand with their loaded weapons. You pull on the reins, wanting to turn her around, but as you look behind you, you see more troopers blocking the other way as well.

You bring the cart to a halt instead and turn back to the front, reaching for the blaster under your seat, when from behind the shuttle you see two dark figures appear: an Inquisitor, followed by a Purge Trooper. The latter approaches you in quick strides, pointing one of the two electrobatons at you.

“Get down,” comes his modulated but demanding voice through the helmet.

You hesitate for a second, unsure of what to do. Biting the inside of your cheek, you quickly analyse the situation, concluding that while you certainly can't take on all troopers alone, let alone an Inquisitor, maybe you can make a run for it towards the thicker vegetation. You just have to make it back past the narrow passage you just came from.

“I said get down!” the Purge Trooper barks, clearly annoyed. 

“Alright, alright,” you finally respond.

You motion to stand up, as if you’re pushing yourself off your seat with your hands, but instead get your rifle from underneath and, from your elevated position, you shoot the trooper right between the shoulder and chest plates of is armour. 

He falls down to the ground with a groan, and you jump off the wagon, making a run for it. You know your rifle can penetrate the normal Stormtrooper armour, so you shoot the ones that had appeared behind you, hitting each one twice, and push past them.

You don’t look back despite hearing the other troopers closing in on you, and you duck as they shoot at you. But you know their aim is not the best, so you keep going, your lungs burning at the sudden effort. You’re just passing the treeline when something knocks you over; you seem to trip over air as you fall face first to the ground, hard. You barely manage to let go of your rifle to brace yourself, and you roll a couple of times from the speed you were coming at.

Everything spins for a moment, and you reach out to grab your weapon and keep going, but an invisible force keeps you pinned to the ground on your back. You groan in frustration and confusion, looking up to see the troopers now gathered around you aiming their blasters at you, yet not firing. They all take a step back to let the Inquisitor walk through, and you give them the best glare you can muster.

The red visor glistens, the sun reflecting on it, as they tilt their head to the side while looking at you. Then comes the modulated voice, calling your name. Not just your name, but your nickname, the one only one person ever used for you. One that you were certain you’d never hear again.

You let out a shuddering breath as you watch in horror how the Inquisitor takes off the helmet, dislodging it with a hiss, to reveal the face underneath. 

“So we meet again, after all these years,” Cal says, running his free hand through his hair, looking down at you with a sour face. “After you left me for dead.”

Your mind is reeling, unable to comprehend the situation.

“I- You-” you stumble over your words. “We didn’t leave you. We thought you were dead. We looked for you!”

He gives you a half-hearted chuckle.

“Not well enough, it seems…” he retorts. “Yeah, well, the crew never was much anyway. I work better, alone, after all.”

“You know that’s not true”, you say in a small voice, your body finally catching up to the situation, starting to shiver.

He extends his hand towards you, and you find yourself being lifted off the ground and to your feet, but slowly pushed backwards into the forest.

“Leave us,” he orders without breaking eye contact with you, and the troopers obey, putting some distance between you and them. For every step Cal walks towards you, you take one back, and after a few moments you’re surrounded by vegetation, out of sight and earshot from the others. Only then does he let go of you, and you stand there for a second, looking at each other. 

Then the quiet tension becomes almost unbearable. There's so much you want to tell him, ask him. What happened in the vault? Did he ever come looking for you? Even if you never got to tell him yourself, does he know how you felt about him?

“I don’t know if it means anything to you anymore,” you finally break the silence. “But I missed you.”

He doesn’t answer, instead continuing to look at you with this unreadable, almost bored expression.

“Are you going to kill me?” you decide to ask instead, fearing the answer. 

“If you stand in my way, I might have to,” he replies, and your heart drops. “You’re not my target, though.”

“Then who is?” Your gaze falls to the ground.

“There’s been reports of a Jedi in the village,” Cal says, taking a careful step towards you. Your eyes snap back up to his, stopping him in his tracks.

“So that’s what you do now? Hunt Jedis?” You don’t try to hide the hurt in your voice.

He merely raises a brow at you, as if the answer to that is obvious. It is. 

“And you're okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were a Jedi once, too.”

“Technically, I never got knighted, so no,” he retorts with a hint of a sadistic smile.

You scoff.

“But Cere would have done it sooner or later, I’m sure…”

At the mention of the name, Cal frowns.

“Yet she didn’t,” he states coldly. He looks up into the trees with a deep breath, then picks some imaginary lint off his uniform, his face relaxing back into the nothingness from before. His eyes snap back up to meet yours as he stands still. “And she won’t.”

“W-what do you mean by that,” you ask, horrified. “Is she…”

Again, he doesn’t answer.

“D-did you…”

You see his jaw tense up, and your body runs cold, colder.

“Cal, what have you done,” you breathe, barely audible, and bring your hands up to hide your face. You can feel the tears prickling at the back of your eyes, and you try your best to hold them back.

“I only did what must be done,” he answers matter-of-factly, then takes a step towards you, but you take a quick one back. He stops again. “So what were you planning on doing, exactly? Run away?”

You shift uncomfortably.

“I would have found you either way, just like I did now.”

“I thought I wasn’t your target,” you retort. 

“And you aren’t,” he assures you. “But after finding out you’re here, I just wanted… to see you.”

“Why,” you mutter, not really meant as a question. “After all this time. Not like this.”

He takes another slow step towards you, and this time you don't have it in you to back away. Your tears are running freely now, rolling down your cheeks as you hold back a sob. Now standing right in front of you, Cal lets go of his helmet, which falls onto the grass with a soft thud. His gloved hands come up to cup your face, his thumb swiping away a tear over your cheekbone.

“I missed you,” he says in a small voice that doesn’t really fit with his current image.

“And I missed you,” you choke out, placing your hands over his. “So, so much.”

You look into his eyes, now a fiery yellow, and the sight is so unfamiliar, so cold, that you can’t hold his gaze for long, and it falls back down, but you don’t want to look at his black armour either, so you look to the side instead. Your hands still hold his in place, though.

“I really thought you were dead, Cal, but this…” you manage to say after taking several shaky breaths. “An Inquisitor… This is no way to live. It’s not you. We can escape together. Start over. Whatever they did to you, we’ll undo it layer by layer. Please.”

“I’m afraid that's not possible,” he says, dropping one hand while the other moves from your cheek to your chin, making you look at him, and he studies your face for a moment. “But I can’t let you go either. You're working with the resistance fighters, aren't you.”

“I- I’m continuing where we left off, just in a different way.”

“So you are working with the Jedi, and as such against the Empire.”

His hand goes to the back of your neck, holding you in place, and a strange panic starts to settle in your limbs as you realise you can’t move away from his hold. Cal is so close now that you can feel his breath fanning over your cheek.

“If I let you go, will you shoot me?” he asks in a low voice.

You want to scoff, but it’s more of a teary-eyed huff.

“I could never, Cal. I- I loved you,” you tilt up your face to properly look him in the eyes. “I never stopped loving you. I still do.”

He tilts his head ever so slightly to the side, his brows furrowing, then scrunching upwards in the middle, as if he just remembered something painful.

“So do I,” he whispers. 

You let out a sob, broken-hearted. All this time. All this time and he felt the same, was alive. But now he’s… an Inquisitor. A killing machine, fed by his own pain and anger, a tool used by the Empire to eradicate any remaining traces of hopefulness that people still might harbour.

“I can’t fight you,” he finally says.

“Neither can I,” you assure him.

Then he leans in, kissing you hard, and your mind is reeling. He holds you in place with the hand at your nape, your own coming up to hold his face. He kisses you like he’s making up for lost time, pouring his very being into it, and you reciprocate.

Somewhere in your mind, the metallic clink and the pressure against your side got registered, but with the kiss, it’s too much input to make sense of anything else. 

Cal breaks the kiss and pulls back just enough to look you in the eyes, and you see a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“But I can’t let you go either,” he whispers against your lips, voice breaking, and before you can ask what he means, you not only hear his lightsabre igniting, you feel it. 

Your mouth opens in a silent scream. Within a split second, your upper body feels on fire, and a sharp, unbearable pain prevents you from breathing or thinking straight. You hear your own flesh sizzle as Cal retracts his weapon after running it through you. Even though your legs give in, he holds your full weight, embracing you, and slowly kneels down, bringing you down with him gently.

“C-Cal,” you gasp for air as your lungs burn quite literally, everything around you getting blurry.

“I’m sorry,” he says over and over, caressing your cheek softly as he kisses you again. 

With your last effort, your hand comes up to hold his, but it goes limp before it can do so, falling onto the ground. Cal cries into your shoulder, holding your limp body for a long time, until it turns cold.

~~~~~

🐥 taglist: [link to join in my pinned post!] @dybynyght, @galaxtic-writings, @kalea-bane, @soka-writes-things, @padawancat97, @riddikulus-obsessions, @optimisticprime3, @starilicious, @ivelostmyabilitytoeven, @alternatescififandomelover, @lovelyygirl8, @cathyket, @wildefire, @ghostkestis

[rainwolfheart]

Generated first names for Rook

I'm a huge nerd about naming customs, and I'm really intrigued by this name generator feature in the Veilguard character creator, so here's a compilation of the generated first names I've seen in videos so far.

Disclaimer that I can't guarantee that all of these were generated by the game rather than by the player, but in most videos you see the player replacing one of these with a name of their choice, so I figured it was a safe bet. Shoutout to Ghil Dirthalen on YouTube in particular for actually talking about the name generator and showing several generated names!

Burhan (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Esha (qunari, she/her, woman, Lords of Fortune, source)

Esha (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Filip (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Grier (elf, he/him, man, Shadow Dragons, source)

Jirell (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Kalais (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Lorant (dwarf, he/him, man, Veil Jumper, source)

Lorant (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Turvi (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

Veryl (qunari, she/her?, woman?, Lords of Fortune, source)

There's one more name I came across that seems likely to have been a player input, but that I can't verify:

Veil (elf, she/her, woman, Antivan Crows, source)

The namebank seems limited, as I saw a two names come up more than once: Esha and Lorant. While both Eshas were essentially the same build, both Lorants were quite different: a Veil Jumper dwarf man and a Lords of Fortune qunari who I guessed was a woman. That, plus the fact that it generated Filip (a name I would instinctively associate with a human male) for a (presumably female) qunari, leads me to believe there's a single namebank that doesn't take into account lineage, pronouns, gender, or faction. But who knows!

There also seems to be a name generator for Inquisitors, but I haven't seen anyone click that button yet, so the only name I've seen is the default female Lavellan name, Ellana (source). I wonder if the namebank will be the same as the one for Rooks, or will be separate?

Please let me know if you have more info on this, and I'll keep this post up to date!

Also, if you're also a name nerd, follow my new name blog @rains-onomatology

[shewolfofvilnius]

you all have no idea how excited i am to get to re-create my Inquisitor in Veilguard. She's in her mid thirties in human equivalent by the start of Inquisition; the end of Trespasser is three years after that, and Veilguard is a decade after Trespasser.

In Veilguard that means Inky's pushing FIFTY. She's a mother of two. (Hey, Solas was gone and she and Blackwall got bored and both wanted kids before time ran out). First of all, the character creator looks like it's actually going to be able to create and do justice to more mature characters and that is such a revelation.

But then from a story POV She's going to be nearly the same age that Wynne was in the first game. Does Solas' talk of restoring the old ways (including immortality) have more pull when Vilkė Lavellan has fewer days in front of her than behind her? Then again, even if it worked out for her, her husband is human (Blackwall) and her kids are elf-blooded humans too. They'd be screwed in Solas' new paradigm, seemingly.

Even if the alternative is oblivion in thirty or forty years, forever is a long time to sacrifice your entire family for.

[most-datable-datable-bracket]

ROUND 4 MATCH 12

Polly propaganda:

"Polly comes across as a party girl. She's wild, she likes sex, she likes drugs, she likes drinks. She is besties with Scott and Vera. She loves pulling pranks. She's fun all around. But as you get to know her throughout her endings across the three games, you discover a deep sadness within her. She's a chess master. She loves Russian literature. She's actually kind of a genius. She had a hard life but she won't let that stop her afterlife. Her secret ending in the first game about how she actually died (which she lies about all the time) absolutely broke my heart. She's just so nuanced and layered. She brings out the best in the player characters because she wants them to understand that you can have fun and goof off and it not be the end of the world. She has lots of backstory and she's major plots in both the first game (Prom) and the third (Roadtrip). I highly recommend playing the games because experiencing her secret endings in both is just absolutely heart wrenching."

Josephine propaganda:

“you get to have a full Disney princess style romance with her, she is the most precious, the most sweet, I love her so much 🥺”

“Josephine's one of the "behind the scenes" companion for the protagonist and she advises them on diplomacy-related matters.

Her personal quest and romance is fairy-tale worthy: she gets threatened with assassination, you help her restore her family's fortune, you get threatened by her best friend to not break her heart, she doesn't dare to hope you mean anything serious when flirting until you spell it out for her, after which Josie agrees to a deeper relationship... And immediately after that she finds out her family has engaged her to a random noble without her knowledge!! You publicly challenge the suitor to a one-on-one duel to win her hand, she finds out and interrupts the duel because she's worried of the Inquisitor throwing literally the entire plot away and risk life in combat for her... To which of course you can confess that they're doing it because they love Josephine, and they get the cutest cutscene with Josie jumping in the Inquisitor's arms and them spinning her around before kissing each other <3 The betrothed steps away because he sees true love between the two. She and the Inquisitor stay together through the end game and after it, gaining a "second home" with her and her family.

She really believes in the Inquisitor's cause and from the very first conversations with her, she asks questions about your background and tries to make you feel welcomed (especially appreciated if the Inquisitor isn't human since people are less trusting of them). She's politically smart but dislikes violence, overall very sweet but still strong... Josie tends to overwork herself (she's a perfectionist) and at first she tries to keep a professional air at all times but if you encourage her, she will rant to you and spill all the tea about nobles lol.”

[midorisudachi]

“Living a lie…it festers inside you, like poison. You have to fight for what’s in your heart.” – Dorian Pavus

I recently beat Dragon Age Inquisition for the third time! I love that game immensely: everything about it is wonderful. I chose a male Inquisitor - as a rogue - because I wanted to romance Dorian. The first time I played DAI, it was the female elf Lavellen – whom I named Zephyra – and she was a mage, and the romance with Solas was a bloody disaster & heartbreaking. (Damn you, Solas!) The second time I played as the human female Trevelyan – named Bryony (who you have seen me do two fanarts of) – a warrior, and romanced Cullen. (Cullen is so hot for a video game character…where can I find a man like that? Lol.) I hope you like this artwork!

Also: Happy Pride Month! 🌈 It’s actually a perfect time to submit this artwork. This was a lot of fun to create (a full colour piece). If you haven’t played the Dragon Age games, it is actually very LGBTQ friendly. You can make your characters gay, lesbian, or bisexual. There is even a transgender male in DAI, named Krem, who is a cool character. Bioware is open-minded, that’s for sure, so the DA series is for everybody. And omg, let me tell you that the conversations & bantering between the characters is hilarious!

⚠️Warning: Spoilers Ahead!⚠️

Dorian is quite the character…a sarcastic & witty lad. He is complex at first, especially regarding his history (how his father tried to “erase” who he truly was, when it came to his homosexuality). It was fun romancing him with Cedric (Trevelyan), who I made a rouge/assassin. So off course I had to draw my OC [male] Cedric Trevelyan with Dorian! Cedric is Dorian’s “Amatus”. I made them wear simpler outfits when I drew them, because near the end of the game, they were wearing complex armour. That stuff is hard to draw! I chose to draw Lilies by Cedric & Dorian, because if you romance Dorian, his tarot card shows him holding what looks like a Lily.

The two of them had this conversation near the end of the Trespasser DLC:

Cedric: “Whatever happens, I wouldn’t trade the years we’ve had together for anything. I love you.”

Dorian: “I knew you would break my heart, you bloody bastard.”

Lol! Awww, jeez, Dorian, just say you love my Inquisitor, too. I honestly really think that Dorian loved him, as stubborn as he was to admit it. At first I was annoyed when Dorian chose to go back to Trevinter, and I thought, “Darn you, don’t you dare pull a Solas on my Inquisitor, after all you've gone through with him!” However, after the game ends, it tells you what happens to the characters (depending on your choices). For me, the game said that Dorian’s “greatest strength lay in the lover he left in the south, but still conversed with via message crystal”, and “some claimed to have seen the Inquisitor on the streets on Minrathos on rare occasions, sneaking into the heart of Trevinter to aid his Amatus.” It made me happy to know that the Inquisitor and Dorian stayed together. I wonder if that will show up with the 4th game.

⚠️Spoilers Over!⚠️

Speaking of the 4th game, who is excited to Dragon Age: The Veilguard, to be released later this year? I watched the gameplay trailer and I am excited for it! I hope characters from DAI will be in it (so far, Varric & Solas have been shown).

Drawn with sepia Sakura Pigma Micron pens, then coloured in with a mixture of Copic Markers, Ohuhu Markers, & Zenacolor coloured pencils. White accents done with a Sakura gel pen & the gold accents were done with Golden brand acrylic paint.

Dragon Age Inquisition/Dorian Pavus/Inquisitor Trevelyan © Bioware & Electronic Arts

Artwork © of me, Jacqueline E. McNeese

[katyspersonal]

Midra for the ask meme :3

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

Thaaaat guy! God, this makes me sad to think about.. in a good sense. And nostalgic. I want to erase SOTE from my memory just to experience the emotions I first had when I've found Abyssal Woods and this guy.

Favorite thing about them:

He is a NERD! He lives up to his title as 'sage'! His Manse is 90% library and other like 10% is actual living area fhdhds It is SO many books everywhere!

You KNOW that it was not simply a storage. He DID read every single book he had. I don't know, like... every room is full of book shelves and piles of books. It is impressive.

Not only that, but also the whole Manse has the narrative of messing with the Insight not meant for humans (or anyone, for that matter). There were records of forbidden knowledge everywhere, no wonder Inquisitors decided to burn it all down, for everyone's sake!

I love that he is really wise and educated, but ALSO a madman! And a more sympathetic kind of than, say, Micolash! He KNOWS he fucked up, and maybe he hoped he could've made Frenzied Flame work. He and his people suffered from religion-driven oppression long enough. Why would not he turn to the force that can take away "every sin and affliction"? Why not wish to "destroy all that divides and distinguishes"? This is a super good example of 'good intentions road to Hell' thing, and told so well through environment and buildup alone, too! god.

Least favorite thing about them:

This one actually makes me sad... It is hard to explain, but it is how 'limiting' his story is. Or rather, 'self-contained'.

When I first discovered the Woods, his manse and himself, I was ECSTATIC. You all probably remember my reaction, and how I could not shut up about both him and his lore! And Nanaya and his followers! I've had the Elden Ring loredigging of my LIFE. I remember how much emotions and joy of discovery I had like it was yesterday. I was super thrilled to figure out what happened, and wrote this ( x ) post. And then.....

Yeah, you see, it isn't anything new for Soulsborne games to have the player to find a character at the VERY end of their story. They are already dead when we arrive, we just make it official with our battle. However, most of the characters can be easily extracted from this fate in our imagination! You can imagine that they live anyway. You can slightly tweak the timeline events so it is not that bad. You can play with their past enough, you can pit them to interact with other characters with ease, you can play with AUs...

Midra feels different. He is very strongly 'locked' onto his fate. He is very contained within his manse, his story is limited to Inquisitors, Horsent servants and his family. And Frenzied Flame.. *sigh* "Saving" him from his fate is not something ordinary. Or, maybe, MY EYES ARE YET TO OPEN and I just haven't found the right way yet?

He feels just as isolated from the rest of the story and cast as Hornsent Inquisitors wanted him to be, and I can't explain why! I just.. dread the fact that there is not much for me left to discuss about him besides piecing together the story of him and his manse. All creativity is resorted to detalizing his past, but Frenzied Flame is not your ordinary Soulsborne death.. It is ultra super hyper extra uber nihilism. Once it touches you, you are merely winning extra time, body and mind, but not in the way Scarlet Rot does it. I'd need to dial toooooooOOOO far back to get him and Nanaya out of that and let them hang out with the rest of the cast! I guess I just need to "accept" it. I accepted Melina canonically annihilating herself, I can do this too, I guess. Just not yet. Separating him from Frenzied Flame just feels like amputating too much, you know? Yet that darn thing doesn't leave any hope or life... He is just too doomed even for Soulsborne characters standards, unless too much is reversed. I am very fixated on future and possibilities, in the way my mind works. @velvet-apricots is absolutely THE best person when it comes to detalizing his and Nanaya's past, it feels so alive!

Favorite line:

"I have endured... more than enough...". It is both really haunting AND got meme'd by me into infinity, sorry fdhfdhs It has the same energy as 'The night, and the hunt, were long...' except in a more fucked up context. Likewise, Midra is about to be released from torture of endless internal fight that everyone is doomed to loose, but it won't be sweet embrace of death just for him. It will be this for virtually everyone, if he is not stopped! And there is no way he doesn't know... Just imagine how much torment he went through, and for how long, to finally no longer be able to hold it back EVEN for the sake of every living being.

brOTP:

I do sometimes like to imagine him getting along with other nerds or sages/witches, as well as to dial back all the way into shared link between Midra's Manse and Shaman Village! He is intelligent just enough to be an easy target for crazy ideas, but also has a lot of heart... So, he is not on Sellen tier, but also not on Carians tier, but somewhere between. I think he and Nanaya should visit Ymir's palace somewhere in the timeline where Midra didn't mess with Frenzied Flame. :') Ymir is likewise a madman with both a big brain AND a big heart, but could have offered a softer perspective than fucking with the literal essence of non-existence.

Also, being friends with Madding Hand unironically works xD

Choice of Gravebird set is odd, but it connected in my brain that maybe he used to be a gravekeeper at Manse before! (Whether he used to wear something more modest or not is a question for another day fdhfdsh) I would expect someone like this be the second best person for Midra to talk to after Nanaya. Someone adjusted to very depressing and dark conversations, not being worn down by them nor trying to uplift Midra's spirit when he just wanted to rot a bit fdhfd Definitely see him as a favourite servant.

There is also the fact that he is the only one who survived Inquisitors barging in and executing everyone (except for Nanaya and technically Midra himself)! It is a question how, but prefer to imagine that he had the chance to leave and use the gift having lived, to try and put it behind him... but he did not, and chose to stay in the Abyssal Woods, he chose to make him living a problem of every Inquisitor he can hunt down. Because he just valued Midra and his service to him too much.

OTP:

He is literally married! xD There is no really anyone to ship him with besides Nanaya! I feel like any other person who gets considered would just be the third one in their bed at most fdhfhsd (doesn't sound bad actually but you see what I mean)

I have my vision of her reaction and attitude to the whole FF business, and at this rate they're dangerously close to having divorced energy. But even then, his loyalty and guilt before her is the ONE thing that has been keeping him from giving into FF, and I am sure she still loves him too no matter how hurt she was. I wrote a FULL ask meme about their ship ( x ) and I was surprised by how natural it was flowing? They are writing themselves and I don't know how or why!!! It is very hard to imagine them without one another. I kind of see their love as something that allowed both of their souls to truly bloom, otherwise they'd be more bitter, unfulfilled husks living regretful lives that'd feel like they were just wasted.

nOTP:

It is hard to imagine any other ship with him to BEGIN with, let alone something I would not like. xD But I feel like even if some crack ship (for example the crossover between Soulsborne games or a far-distanced AU) took off, I'd find it funny rather than frustrating! It'd just feel like a joke, so why get angry? (but like I said, in the end you just add third person in the bed, nothing more x) )

Random headcanon:

Midra does not like to admit it, but he can and will be somewhat selective regarding what he likes to learn! He might even disregard certain fields of "science" if they do not interest him or do not seem legit or in depth enough! Again, similarly to how Ymir declared the Moon "just the closest celestial object, nothing more". xD

Except, like I said, Midra would not like to be like this, and certainly not before people who are interested in the topic! He holds himself to a very high standard as a sage, and knows he must accumulate various knowledge and give change to everything. He must NOT be selective. Arguing with how his focus works though is hard, and Nanaya is the one who notices whether he is bored or even irritated with something! She knows that 'just be yourself dude your IQ is already like over 500 💀' won't work on him nor she'd try to do that! So she lets him to both complain and finds a way to make the topic that bores him more interesting to invest into! He could never be Gideon fdhsfdhs

Unpopular opinion:

Is this character popular enough to have UNpopular opinions? xD I suppose, maybe my vision of him and Lord of Frenzied Flame state? I basically see them as different characters. Even more separated than, say, Malenia vs Goddess of Rot or Godwyn vs Prince of Death! It is due to assimilative nature of Frenzied Flame... It is hard to explain. I see Lord of Frenzied Flame as something that needs a vessel to manifest, rather than being borne of this vessel! Tarnished as Lord of Frenzied Flame is like 95% the same being as Midra as Lord of Frenzied Flame imo. :p

Well, FF is the force opposite of disparity, so, sure. Though, Lor would copy manneurisms and visceral remains of its vessel while the world lasts! It would not dance so magnificently had Midra not secretly been a good dancer himself. Nobody just ever knew, not even himself sfhhd

Song I associate with them:

I'll have a couple!

For some reason, the 'I will survive' here was feeling to me more like a warning of sorts... so, after Midra, it clicked to me! It gives me this sense of dread he has knowing he is now an enemy of existence itself, sooner or later.

(Turn on subtitles on Youtube, it does have translation, just coded in subs!) Not quite Midra as himself! Rather, just unifying effect of Frenzied Flame itself... so, Lord of Frenzied Flame? But hey, when else I will have the chance to share this one?

Favorite picture of them:

I can't find a really cursed image of him that cracked me up, trust me I looked, so have this funi meme instead xD

( x )

[bellisima-writes]

The Last Angel Chapter 29, the Vanguard, is live onAO3

Happy Sunday fandom fam. The next chapter of the Last Angel is live on Ao3.

A bit of a calm before the storm chapter, this week we rotate perspectives across all characters as they prepare for the battle that's to come. My brain is a bit like scrambled eggs after navigating six different mindsets in a few days, but I think the result is worth it. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Gif sneaky peek (which may be more of a reflection of how I felt writing this than what actually happens in the chapter itself):

10,000 thank yous to @addledmongoose for their wonderful beta-ing skills. You seriously are a lifesaver.

~~~~

he Last Angel Overall Summary - Rated E 29/31 (~137K) :

Crowley's been Hell's Grand Inquisitor for millennia now. Ever since the Apocalypse, he's managed to carve out a relatively cushy life for himself. Hell won the War, Angels were essentially eradicated and all human souls were Satan's. Everything was fine.Until one day he hears a rumor that the Last Angel in the universe was finally captured. Until Beelzebub is suddenly ordering him to get information from said Angel, information that's critical for Hell's survival. Until the moment he first locks eyes with the last Angel, and everything he's ever known starts to crumble around him. OR AU where we see what would have happened had Aziraphale and Crowley not been assigned to Earth.

Read on Ao3

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[nerdee-blondee]

Do you know what race you're gonna play in DAV ? I'm hesitating between an elf, cause I think an elf going against Solas and learning more abt the Dreadwolf is cool (and in my Solavelyan hc she'd be more jealous of his connection w/ a female elf cough) but playing an human would be cool for Solas' "character development" considering he would see himself in them and he would be forced to once against reevaluate his prejudices, though I guess it works for dwarf and qunari as well

ISN'T THIS THE REAL QUESTION LOLOL

so MY actual headscratcher is which inquisitor i'm going to do HAHA

cause i would LOVE to do my canon inquisitor, Aelyn Trevelyan; but I KNOW the juicy bits of this story will be with a solas-romaced lavellan (so RIP Aelyn, i'll use you on my second playthrough LOL)

i'm actually pretty confident with my idea for my rook. she's going to a human mage factioned with the Lords of Fortune!

personally, i always like playing a human because (obviously) i am a human and ALSO solas has his own little gripes with humanity so i ALWAYS like to be a human character that solas inevitably gets along and likes LOL (i also made a post on how i think solas sees all the other races and humans are the one he seems to respect the least LOL)

so me thinks, my first playthrough will probably be my solas-romanced lavellan, Maella Lavellan (with some traits and characteristics of my canon inquisitor, Aelyn) and a human Rook (Ms. Valeria whatever-her-last-name-is-going-to-be!)

I actually gotta start thinking about my second playthrough about which Rook I want paired up with my Trevelyan (it's probably gonna be an elf shadow dragon bUT WE'LL SEE)

[bharv]

just saw your dao mention in another ask and i'm wondering if you have a ted talk about why you love it?

i also REALLY loved dao but i recently replayed it and i'm wondering how much of my affection was just nostalgia. some of that is just an aging game of course, but if dao came out today i'd be even crankier about some of the design choices than I am about bg3 (and I have a lot of cranky bg3 thoughts that I don't post haha)

I think I last played in 2021 probably, and that was my 9th playthrough lol.

Is it perfect? No, but to me it stands up really well still. I like CRPGs but with older ones I sometimes struggled with how much you needed to use your imagination and/or how unintuitive the UI was. I will say I first played DAO on console and switching to PC was a revelation, it was so definitely built for hotkeys and mod support! But I loved the voiced companions, the 3D graphics.

I think there have been other less graphically ambitious CRPGs that have also done things I love. The Pillars of Eternity games, for sure. Some of the Owlcat games. But there's something about the character design of the companions, the way the dwarven origins weave into the main narrative, the way the story unfolds in exactly the amount of time it needs to take that I love in Origins. (side note I think people that didn't like it so much really should play as dwarves, and if they don't like it for aesthetic reasons they need to. Grow up. That's my TED talk lmao)

Some of it is nostalgia, for sure. We've come a long way in a lot of areas from 2009. But I think the balance of exploration and linear storytelling is a sweet spot for me, I find endless open world really tiring unless there's excellent environmental storytelling happening (Skyrim and Fallout New Vegas do it very well, a lot of other games including Inquisition don't do it as well for me.) I love the writing on the whole, especially the two dwarf paths which are the highlight of the whole series IMO. You have a lot of narrative freedom with your warden in a way you don't with Hawke or the Inquisitor, and that's got a lot to do with not having a voiced protag. I'm not a voiced protag fan at all, unless you are telling a very tight story. I feel like if you're trying to allow for a really customisable main character it always hinders things. Shepard is that sweet spot for many, but is extremely hard to get right; it basically works because they are set in a very particular position at the start of the game, but their past is very broad brushstrokes, and the v/o is kept very neutral.

I actually am in the minority of loving BG3, lol. It's again not perfect and I do mourn the game we might have had from early access, but they struck a balance between appeal to audience, graphic level, scale and sheer amount of options that I think is insanely impressive technically. I just wish they'd kept a little more of what they wanted to do instead of responding quite so much to fan desires, but then again the game would have appealed to a much smaller audience had they done that.

But to me, BG3 combines gameplay I actually enjoy, characters I actually love, environments I like playing in, and choices that feel really juicy, and that's what I want in a game. And that feels like origins to me.

Origins certainly isn't perfect and there's BIG things I would change (why do the villainous men all have big noses? Why are the skin tones so poor? Why would a human society based on a church led by women with a woman as prophet still be patriarchal and sexist?) but I think it still has some of the more interesting writing of the series balanced with the narrative freedom I like in an RPG like that.

[greypetrel]

Fan Work Friday Saturday

Rules: If you're tagged, MAKE A NEW POST and showcase one fanartist or fanfic you recommend (with links), and tag someone to give their recs next! Don't forget to reblog the rec you were tagged in!

Thank you so much for the tag @dreadfutures! Saving the second for later on in the week. Listen I have a hard time choosing and I'll do these on repeat if I must.

Fanartist: @salsedinepicta

Starting with her, purely because it's litterally 10 years of me being 👀 at her art, and I do love the way she mixes pictorical techniques with swirly, 2D lines. I am not a fan of pink+green combination, BUT when she does it. Add a lot of historical references and clothing and an expressive use of colour. I'm an absolute sucker for all artstyles that just looks like three paintstrokes thrown at a paper (digital or traditional) and she does that. And, she's a wonderful human being too, which really helps. <3 (she'd hate the attention but let me Will Smith meme her.)

Fanfic: To The Bone, by @shivunin

Rating: M Words: 48,373 Pairing: Cullen/Inquisitor Lavellan Summary: Depending on who you ask, either Sylaise or Andraste set a mark of fire on those who are destined to find each other. No matter how curious each of them is, neither Lavellan nor Cullen are especially eager to actually go looking for this person. Either luck or fate draws them both to the Inquisition anyway.

I debated high and low what of her fics to start from. I chose To The Bone because it's a soulmate AU. And I generally don't like Soulmates AU. But this one? Mo has a way to turn tropes and clichès around in a way that just makes them relatable, visceral and real. The way she renders human fragility and vulnerability is really heart-clenching. I know I always fangirl over her work but it bears repeating. To the Bone is played more than a Soulmate AU -it is important, but not the main focus, which tricks me into loving this- as a big story of two hurt people who needs to learn to trust someone with their own vulnerability. It's all about learning that you can trust other people, and exactly how scary a decision it is, how much it feels like a jump in the blue.

It's relatable, it's gritty, it's not the peak angst Mo can reach (for that, get a lot of tissues and click on Wander the Drifting Roads.), but it was the first of her works I read and it has a special place in my heart. For its themes, for its main character (can I hug her?) and also and particularly because it's a trope I generally don't like. And I do like to be stand corrected.

Tags under the cut!

You two whom I mentioned, if you want consider this a tag too! :)

Also: @melisusthewee @dreadfutures @inquisimer @blarrghe @blightbear @star--nymph @pinayelf @dungeons-and-dragon-age @ndostairlyrium @hollytree33 @theluckywizard and YOU