#my favorite hug with memento mori

[mockingjaysongbird]

THE X FILES :  Paper Hearts (4.10)

[randomfoggytiger]

Forever amazed by the amount of content you have created for the fandom in what feels like such a short amount of time! Thank you for helping keep this show alive!! What are the analyses/fics/lists that you are most proud of/pleased with that you've done?

Thank you! That compliment means the world. :DDDD

Couldn't pick one, but tried to keep things simple.

FIC LISTS

One doesn't stand apart from the rest, but Fics That Deserve More Comments (Part I)-- and Fics That Deserve More Comments (Part II) and Fics That Deserve More Comments (Part III) and Fics that Deserve More Comments (Part IV)-- is my favorite conceit.

FICS

I'll never forget the outpouring of love for my first fic Son of Egypt, so that is definitely on the list. Runner up is "The Dead Are Everywhere, Scully"; but I'm unutterably proud of both.

I also treasure all of my Fictober Wrap Up and Eight Nights of Mulder Master List fics (except the last one for 8NoM.)

Chariots of Fire  makes me chuckle.

The Bill Scully POV fics were a way to flex the nuances of his character. (They can be found through the Bill Scully POV tag.)

Fics outta my comfort zone that I'm proud of: "Kids Today, Huh?", The Hospital Where You Slept, and "I Know You. It’s What I Do."

META

I'm most proud of All IVF Roads Lead Away from The Unnatural and to Millennium, Fire and False Romance, Ice and Love, and How Scully Taught Mulder to Hug because they got the most traction.

In love with? Today: 1. "Proving" Mulder Knew He Was the Father of Scully's Baby, 2. Scully Is the Conduit Conductor and Mulder Is the Dancer, 3. Mulder Is a Brooder; and Scully Is His Concluder, 4. One Son: An Intense, One-Shot Analysis of “You’re Making This Personal”, 5. Never Again: An Intensive Essay and 6. The Mulder Family In-Depth. Also: anything Season 8 or Arcadia.

XF MUSICALS/FANVIDS

These are my passion projects, I admit.

TINH: Scully’s Solo, S2 Abduction: Mulder’s Torment, Drivin’ Right Along, CSM and Diana: The Riddle, and Milagro: Hellfire have my heart.

Others that make me equally proud: 1. Syzygy: Everything You Can Do I Can Do Better, 2. Mulder and Samantha: Miracle of Miracles, 3. Amor Fati: If I Never Knew You, 4. The Mulders: Sunrise, Sunset, 5. Monday: There’s Always Tomorrow, and 6. Memento Mori: I Bring You a Song.

PERSONALITY TYPING

I'm super, duper proud of MULDER, The Spooky INTP and SCULLY, The Enigmatic ISTJ (which I then applied to Mulder and Scully: Love and Touch for INTPs/ISTJs, and an analysis of One Son-- Part I and Part II-- and Never Again.)

OFF-SHOOTS

My "live-blog" reacts to Return to Me (from the POV of Someone Averse to RomComs) and IWTB (Losing My Mind) crack me up.

Did a few Personality Typing posts for Hank Moody and other movies (Return to Me, Bringing Up Baby, and What Happens Later.)

Lastly, David Duchovny’s Face: an Aesthetics Study got me hooked on exploring fashion-- Seasonal Color analysis, body types, essences, etc.-- through the lens of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. (You can find those posts through the randomfashiontiger tag.)

CONCLUSION

Thank you for making me feel special this weekend~. :))))))

[grimgrinninggoth]

My dumb ass has no idea how to digitalize art 😭 but I’m trying anyways!

I haven’t made one of these in a loooooonnngggg time but here’s more tidbits about my HM oc

-his favorite color is crimson

-big animal lover, especially cats

-his cats name is mori, and it’s a reference to Madame Leota’s shop in Disney world ‘memento mori’

-he is a quarter French and can speak a bit of French

-the cause of his early death was a family death curse

-favorite bands are the cure and joy division

-his middle name is Sylvester

-his favorite movies are Cabaret, Beetlejuice, and Psycho

-his favorite room in the mansion is the stretching room. He often sits on top of the gargoyle statues.

-Constance’s nickname for him is bones because when she hugs him she can feel all his bones

- his Trenchcoat is actually inspired by this awesome black leather and fur coat that I saw at a goodwill and didn’t have enough money for

-whenever he sneezes or cries it will freeze

- super sissy about bugs, will scream and freak out until someone comes and kills it (just like me fr)

-some more characters I ripped off as inspo for him are victor from the corpse bride, Dimitri from Anastasia, Kenny from South Park, and living dead dolls sunday and Ernest Lee rotten

[that-one-empty-skull]

Got tagged by @dingbingbats

Rapid fire questions go

coke or pepsi? Bepsi :)

disney or dreamworks? Dreamworks have dragons so

coffee or tea? Coffee for utility tea for pleasure

books or movies? You can't make me choose

windows or mac? Windows, Mac scares me

dc or marvel? DC ig, I like Harlivy

x-box or playstation? PC and Nintendo consoles

dragon age or mass effect? Never played either of them

night owl or early riser? Born to night owl forced to early rise

cards or chess? Cards, I suck at chess :(

chocolate or vanilla? Depends, mostly chocolate though

vans or converse? Vans are more comfy but I love my Converse to death

Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar? Don't speak French

fluff or angst? BOTH

beach or forest? Forest

dogs or cats? Both are lovely beasts but I have a slight cat bias

clear skies or rain? Rain 100%, not to be too emo but I love the sensation of raindrops falling on my back

cooking or eating out? Cooking all the way if it wasn't for executive dysfunction

spicy food or mild food? I like it a bit spicy. Like "spicy at a Turkish restaurant" not "spicy at an Indian restaurant"-levels

halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? Halloween:)

would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? The latter is just menopause so that one ig???

if you could have a superpower, what would it be? Shapeshifting or invisibility, you're on the trans loser website

animation or live action? Animation

paragon or renegade? Don't speak Italian

baths or showers? Showers

team cap or team ironman? Unchecked nationalism or hypercapitalist libertarianism. Captain America I guess because I cannot imagine a single emotionally resonant story that could be told with the current iteration of Ironman

fantasy or sci-fi? fantasy but I've been getting more into sci-fi lately

do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so what are they? The Sappho quote, you know the one;"[…]Heaven and hell are the same but in heaven they feed each other";The good ol' Memento Mori

youtube or netflix? Youtube

[REDACTED] 👍

when do you feel accomplished? God has cursed me for my hubris, and my work is never finished.

star wars or star trek? Horny Space Fleet

paperback books or hardcover books? hardcover, I'm too clumsy for paperbacks

to live in a world without literature or without music? You cannot meaningfully separate one from the other

who was the last person to make you laugh? Probably the dingus who tagged me

city or countryside? city

favorite chips? Those corn based chrupki that come in bags the size of a small child

pants or dresses? Pants

libraries or museums? Libraries

character driven stories or plot driven stories? Character driven

bookmarks or folding pages? Bookmarks

Dream job? They should pay me for being a special little boy, so ig Court Jester

What gives you comfort? Art, friends, pillows to hug

what are some of your favorite song lyrics? My theology/ I like to know that he's watching me/ Fulfill me up like a prophecy/ put the fear of God in me ; Sodom & Gomorrah by Dorian Electra my beloved

favorite ice cream flavor ever? Can't go wrong with mango

first fandom?

tagging others, add your own new question at the end if you follow up:

@vikugnavikugna @vzajemnik @nectadraws @sephinot @immortalsapphics @randomarcher2013 @asphyxi-art

[baronessblixen]

Hi Anika! What are your top 10 or top 20 favorite TXF episodes? If you have time, maybe you can briefly say why you like them? I love hearing your thoughts.

Hi anon! There are so many good episodes. I have a few core favorites and a few that seem to change around a bit. They're in no particular order - and my thoughts are basically "Mulder and Scully are hot/cute/adorable" 😁

The Pine Bluff Variant - it's so good. I feel like it's underrated. Mulder trying to keep a secret from Scully! Mulder running! Scully setting his finger! Her following him!! It also has the whole "evil government" aspect to it.

Wetwired - another underrated episode! It's a monster-of-the-week episode but with mytharc elements. Scully being affected and becoming paranoid is amazing. And Mrs. Scully is in the episode too, of course!

Bad Blood - I mean that's a given, right? I like the comedy of it and I love the whole he said/she said spiel. It's a very fun episode.

Rain King - another fun episode. As a huge rom-com fan this one has to make my list. It's cute. I love Mulder and Scully being mistaken for a couple by *everyone*. Not to mention the room sharing and Scully's speech.

Pilot - I think this episode sets the show up so well. Mulder and Scully as baby agents meeting for the first time and bonding and clashing immediately. What's not to love?

Redux 2: I can't tell you why I love this episode so much. Or the whole three parter really. All I know is that for a while when I was a kid I watched it almost daily. It's Mulder crying at her hospital bed and both of them fighting their own fight and Scully going into remission.

Colony/End Game - I often forget about this episode but the mytharc in the early seasons was really good. Fake Mulder hurting Scully and then real Mulder choosing Scully over (fake) Samantha is so much drama and I LOVE it. The whole Mulder and his family part is heartbreaking.

Anasazi/The Blessing Way/Paper Clip - I cannot tear these episodes apart. They belong together. From Mulder being drugged to Scully shooting him and driving gim across country, being a total badass, to thinking he died and then losing her sister. There's so much here.

Squeeze - I just enjoy season one so much. They're all comfort episodes to me (except Space. That episode can fuck off). I love the case, I love Scully's answer when Colton asks her whose side she's on. Scully saying Mulder is territorial. I know it's not a two-parter per se, but I have to mention Tooms here, too, cause technically I like that one even better (that MSR moment in the car alone!).

Memento Mori - it's as heartbreaking as it is brilliant. Gillian is amazing in it and Scully choosing to fight is everything to me. As is that hug at the end. And Mulder watching her walk away. That one's just sad.

Demons - one of my absolute favorites. Yes, psrt of it is Mulder being a burrito at the beginning and him being insanely hot in jeans and a white t-shirt. But I also like seeing how far he's willing to go for this quest. Scully being worried sick (and she IS sick in late season 4 😭) is a bonus.

Je Souhaite - another fun episode. No one is dying. Well, Anson Stokes dies, but he doesn't count. Scully and her invisible man are so precious. The ending of course. Mulder being a sweetie, asking for world peace and then looking for Scully.

Detour - I love the case and suspense with person after person going missing. The beginning with them and the other two agents in the car is so funny. The singing of course and the whole raining sleeping bags thing. My personal favorite though is Mulder jumping into that hole to be with Scully.

I'm gonna stop here and do a few honorable mentions: The Jersey Devil, Dreamland 1+2, Jose Chung's From Outer Space, Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose, War of the Coprophages, Ice, Pusher(!) and Aqua Mala.

This got long. This show has way too many good episodes! I know I forgot several that I love.

[bluesnow21]

Someone You Know is Trans; They don’t deserve to Die in the Closet.

It’s been two years, four months and twenty days since the day my best friend committed suicide. She was a transgender woman struggling with mental health, had admitted herself into the psychward a few times prior, and I thought she was taking her meds and getting better. There had been three instances where she’d mentioned/struggled with deciding over the ten years I knew her whether to go back on HRT or not.

At the time, she was back in college pursuing an IT degree, she planned to go back on HRT, move out to Sacramento CA permanently, have a small piece of property, and adopt a black kid. She was a stoner, a grease monkey, an atheist, pool player, and a big part of what made living my life in NJ easier and more enjoyable than it ever would’ve been.  She also wrote letters to queer/trans inmates within the Black/Pink Project. She loved reading, film, collecting license plates, and muscle cars. Some of her favorite writers included Chuck Wendig, Douglas Adams, Michelle Tea, and Joe Hill. I got my first tattoo with her present, and the same day backed her car into a brick wall while she was trying to teach me stick-shift (she took I really well). We went to concerts, played pool, smoked weed, made trips through the Adirondacks, and every bit of time I spent with them was memorable. She got me through a bad relationship just by being there and comforting me, helped me out whenever I had car trouble, and was there to help me move into new apartments three times; Anytime I needed help or a friend she was there. Our birthdays are exactly 3 months apart, or as they would say when I’d forgotten this fact, “You Idiot! We’re exactly 9 months apart how do you forget this!?” She didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought about her. I admired her courage to be herself.

I miss her.  I still remember the last hug I gave her a week before it happened; the last time I’d gotten high with her she’d told me her name she wanted to start going by but I was so high I couldn’t remember it when I sobered up (I had to Uber home). I thought I could ask again next time I saw them in another week. I knew something was wrong. When I got the news the morning of: I got drunk, then I cried my eyes out about a week or two later.  I helped bury my best friend and I couldn’t remember her name that she’d wanted to change it to, so the funeral was a misgendered funeral; It’s something I still feel awful about.  She wanted to be buried in a Rheingold Beer Jumpsuit that had belonged to her grandfather; instead it was a regular suit (not what they wanted). There was only one photo at the funeral of when she’d briefly started transitioning when I first met her, before she went off of HRT. I didn’t know how to bring any of this up to her Dad. He wasn’t a transphobe. I just didn’t know how to bring it up and since I didn’t have the name she wanted to go by I thought it more important to help bury my friend. Out of respect for not wanting to dead name her, I won’t use names.  I just want to finally put something up here and TransDay of Remembrance seemed appropriate.  It’s taken me time to put this up here because I wasn’t sure how the parents or other friends would feel about this.  I know I’m not the only person she shared this with, but know that if she’d had more time more people would’ve known about this. 

I’m posting this in memory of my friend and for all the trans-women/men/etc, who never come out and who never will.

Memento Mori Memento Vivere

Remember you will die. Remember to Live.

[witchblood-if]

Favorite knowledge of history?

Anon, I will assume you mean regular our-reality history (since you haven't specified) and it made me very happy, your ask.

The thing is I am very interested especially in cultural history of any kind. And who could blame me, we all know these funny Tumblr posts, we all know Ea-Nasir and his shitty copper. And we enjoy it immensely.

It might sound a little lame but the thing I enjoy the most about history and learning about it is: humans have always been just that. Humans.

Just recently I had to read a text passage in class from a book on the development of scripture. The passage focused on how monasteries got their hands on scripts from other monasteries to copy them from and there was this anecdote about this monk who went into this monastery to copy a book he borrowed from somewhere else but the abbot there liked the book so much that he just kept it for himself. Besides the fact that it was neither his nor the monks. And like working at a library, everyone in that work field knows and hates these people but apparently book thieves have existed since there were books to steal.

Another shorter example is that as many of you know one of the favorite phrases of aristocrats from the Baroque period was Memento Mori, right? Well, the sentiment came back with our beloved 2000s YOLO. I think it's kind of hilarious.

My point is that if we learn about people in the past and their lives we can see more similarities than most mainstream media would like us to believe. And honestly? Knowing that people had the same interactions and worries and joys and habits as we do today makes me feel a little better about myself as a person in this world. I listened to this interview a while ago about the Regency period with Ian Mortimer, the author of the "Time Traveller's Guides" series and he was like

"[W. H.] Auden said that in order to understand your own country you need to have lived in at least two others. And I thought about that. I reckon to come to terms with your own time and understand the time in which you live, you really need to have come to terms with at least two others."

And I just really love that.

Thank you for that ask, Anon. And thanks to anyone who read my ramble (can you tell just how much I love humans? How passionate I am about humanity?)

Hugs and kisses

Carter

[waugh-bao]

5, 13, 14?

5. my favorite quote

If it were sane to pick the entirety of Joseph Brodksy’s essay “On Grief and Reason”, I would. But my favorite passages from that are probably:

“As the poet said, 'Believe your pain.’ This awful bear hug is no mistake. Nothing that disturbs you is. Remember all along that there is no embrace in this world that won't finally unclasp…”

“Love is an attitude toward reality – usually of someone finite toward something infinite.”

(I’ll never actually get a tattoo, but the only thing I’ve ever considered doing is the last sentence of that first quote on the bottom of my foot. I think it’s a beautiful verbal/literary memento mori).

13. what is in my bag

14. a bad habit

I don’t sleep anywhere near as much as I should (4-5 hours most days) and I have an abysmal sleep schedule. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was in bed before 3 am. My friends and family have no compunction about calling me any time of the day or night, because as far as they’re concerned I’m always awake.

[harmonicabisexuals]

season 4 rewatch thoughts! overall, this season feels very dark, much darker in tone than s3. when I when I look at all the episodes next to each other, the only true “funny” episode is “small potatoes” (”sanguinarium” and “el mundo gira” are lighter in tone in some scenes but still overall pretty dark). this is probably in part due to darin morgan leaving the show, but I also think that the cancer arc looms large over the whole season, even in the episodes before “leonard betts” to some degree, especially since on rewatch I knew it was coming.

it’s also interesting to see how much more physical M/S are with each other this season, especially compared to s3-- so many little touches and 5(!) hugs when we only had two hugs in s2 (irresistible, anasazi) and one in s3 (paper clip). there are many metas that can be written about why but it’s interesting to observe the change. 

writing: morgan and wong’s episodes this season felt a little inexplicably off compared to their earlier work (except for “never again”), and I wonder if it was hard for them to find their groove again after the tone shift and sort of stabilization that happened in s3 while they were gone. vince gilligan was definitely my favorite writer this season, but i did actually really enjoy the chris carter/frank spotnitz writing team too-- the two-part myth arcs were more consistently good this season.

favorite episodes: paper hearts, leonard betts, never again, memento mori, tempus fugit/max, demons

71% worth rewatching (a little less than s3 at 75%)

episode opinion tags under the cut

Herrenvolk- some good moments but not really any resolution? not explained v well

Home- creepy af, but didn’t enjoy it as much on rewatch? felt a bit heavy handed

Teliko- not the best racial commentary lol but they were trying. M/S both look hot af tho

Unruhe- a minute Vince Gilligan slay

The Field Where I Died- a little too woo woo even for the x files lol, but some good moments! 

Sanguinarium- it’s okay. witchy! Mulder and Scully are hot af tho

Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man- CSM backstory, kind of feels like US History fanfic or a Forrest Gump parody?? Almost zero M/S

Tunguska- kind of action movie vibes? decent

Terma- same as prev, very Bourne identity vibes…the congressional hearing scene makes me screammm tho lol

Paper Hearts- so so good but so sad

El Mundo Gira- the aliens/illegal aliens metaphor was a lil convoluted, but decent overall

Leonard Betts- wild!! and really good!!

Never Again- get it* Scully!!! *tramp stamp and some dick

Memento Mori- nooooo  :(((((

Kaddish- better than expected!

Unrequited- boringgg

Tempus Fugit- pretty good! scully’s birthday scene was so sweet :))

Max- really good! chilling plane crash sequence and love the M/S scenes especially the keychain speech at the end

Synchrony- interesting sci-fi concept, Mulder has memorized Scully’s thesis :’)

Small Potatoes- really funny but the second hand embarrassment is STRONG

Zero Sum- killer bees! and no Scully :(

Elegy- that convo at the end…gonna lose it. otherwise a bit meh.

Demons- really good whodunnit, sad when u think about the *implications*

Gethsemane- ahhh that cliffhanger! very Plot heavy tho

[janaawrites2024]

Week 4 Writeup #2: Social Media

Written by: Asthrielle

✨✨✨My Instagram Carousel ✨✨✨

My favorite latin phrases, Memento Mori - Remember to die and Memento Vivere - Remember to live. My inspo for my future tattoo.

✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*

My first heartbreak. This photo was One Direction’s first stage group hug and was posted by Harry Styles after they announced their disbandment. Bawled my eyes out after.

✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*

GREATEST OF ALL TIME.

I added this photo on my ‘favorites ’ list because this was the first game photo taken after Cristiano renewed his contract with Manchester United. He scored 3 goals at this game.

✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*˚┉༝✧✧༝┉˚*❋ ❋*

[mrbexwrites]

15 Questions: Character interview edition

Tagged by @words-after-midnight

I’ll keep the tags open, so if you come across this, take it as an open invitation to join in. But please tag me, so I can see your work! I love seeing what everyone else is getting up to!

I chose to focus on one of my side characters from Memento Mori.

Kyrie is Morgana’s niece, and whilst she doesn’t have a lot of scenes, she and Morgana are really close. So it was nice to flesh her out a little bit by answering these questions!

Morgana’s interview questions can be found here:  https://at.tumblr.com/mrbexwrites/15-questions/iqvtcyjigt9p

1. Are you named after anyone?

My name is Kyrie. My mum said that I’m named after a song by a band called Mr. Mister. They’re an old band from a long-time ago. She said it was her favourite song. Avery said that mum stole one of their mixtapes, and only gave it back when she’d broken the tape because she’s rewound and played the song so much! I don’t know what that means, because I’ve never broken any of my music! I’ve never heard the song, because my mum won’t play it any more. 

2. When was the last time you cried?

I cried when mum and dad told me that they weren’t going to be living together any more. I know that they both love me, but that we’re just not going to be a family any more… 

I miss us all living together, but I don’t miss them fighting all the time. 

3. Do you have any kids?

I’m six. I have a lot of dolls. Mum and dad have both bought me a lot of toys recently. 

4. Do you use sarcasm?

What’s sarcasm? 

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

I like seeing people’s smiles. It makes me happy. 

6. What's your eye color?

Brown

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

I don’t like scary movies. Avery was babysitting me once, and we watched a film about aliens. I didn’t like it, especially when the little alien burst out of the man’s chest. I couldn’t sleep because I was worried that the big alien was hiding in the walls, or there would be a pancake-alien wanting to hug my face…

Mum was so angry with Avery that she shouted at them for ages, and Avery wasn’t allowed to look after me anymore without ‘another adult present’. Aunty Fred is always with them, so now we can just hang out and have tea-parties instead. 

8. Any special talents?

I have dreams sometimes… But I don’t like to talk about them. Aunty Morgana is the only person I can talk to about the dreams, because, sometimes, she’s in them too. She keeps me safe from the monsters in the dream-place. 

…I don’t want to talk about this any more. 

9. Where were you born?

Glasgow, in Scotland. 

10. What are your hobbies?

I go pony-riding, ice-skating, dance class, singing lessons, taekwondo, gymnastics and swimming. Mum says it’s important for me to be busy. That’s the only thing she and my Grandmother agree on. 

I like to read books with Aunty Morgana. Aunty Fred has bought me a little raspberry pi computer, and I’m enjoying teaching it how to sing to itself. 

11. Have you any pets?

No, but I would like a kitten. I think if I ask mum or dad to get me one, then one of them might do it, so that they can win. But that might make them fight again…so I don’t want to ask for a kitten just yet. 

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I don’t know if I have time to take up a team-sport? Does my horse riding and dance classes count?

13. How tall are you?

I’m almost as tall as Aunty Fred! The top of my head reaches her armpit, so I think in a little bit, I’ll be taller than her! I’d like to be as tall as Uncle Pete or Avery, because then dad can’t put things in the high up cupboard away from me! 

14. Favorite subject in school?

I like English, because we get to read. PE is also fun; I’m really good at beanbag racing! 

15. Dream job?

When I’m older, I’d like to be an actress like my mum was! She and my dad made a lot of Bollywood films before they started to argue and fall out. I think I could be really good at it as well! I’ve learned a lot of the dances, and I can sing really well! 

[tatooedlaura-blog]

End of the Road

post-Redux/Redux 2

... their moments ... from now on ... Our Moments: Chapter 1: Five Words (post-Leonard Betts) Chapter 2: Sidebar Nonsense (post-Memento Mori) Chapter 3: Interim (floating somewhere around Unrequited) Chapter 4: Max 2.0 (post-Tempus Fugit/Max) Chapter 5: Shadowed Grey Eyes Chapter 6: The Warmest Thing I Own Chapter 7: Fancy Paper Napkins ​ Chapter 8: End of the Road (post-Redux/Redux 2)

@today-in-fic

&&&&&&&&&&

He put her through hell the next two weeks and finally, seeing her on the other side of the hospital window, he splintered, leaning forward, unable to breath, overwhelming sorrow manifesting in yelled demands of people who couldn’t answer his pleas.

He thought he was quiet at her bedside that night, the world bearing down on both of them, but as he sobbed into her sheets, he felt her hand drift though his hair, nails lightly scratching scalp, “it might be a little tight, but I think we’ll both fit if we try.”

Mess that he was, he stood, dragged his hands over his face to clear away at least some of the nonsense before disappearing to blow his nose on some toilet paper from the bathroom. Coming back in, he shuffled towards her, whispering, “I snuck in. What if I fall asleep and can’t sneak back out?”

“I’m dying, Mulder. I can do what I want and right now, I want you in here with me.”

Deep breath of acceptance at her now-undeniable retort, he did as ordered, wedging himself behind her, back to front, arm hesitant over her belly, full length curl around her. He could feel her ribs against his forearm, her bony hip under his elbow, sharp shoulder blades pressing his chest, “we need to get you a milkshake.”

“If I could keep one down, I’d send you right now but puking up ice cream will just ruin it.”

“I see your point.” Sniffing latent snot back up his nose, he apologized, then, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Soaking up his warmth like a sponge, “I’m not sleeping that well these days anyway, and …” running off into oblivion, she finished the sentence a moment later, “well, I’d rather spend all the time I can with you, even if it’s at whatever the hell time it is and in a hospital bed.”

“A good cuddle does have its merits.”

That got a smile from her, “thank you.”

“For what?”

This time she found the words she couldn’t after he made her dinner, “for doing all those things that a partner would do; that a husband, a best friend, that family would do.”

Well, that made his heart break for the hundredth time that day, and mouth to neck yet again, his words rustled her hair and vibrated her soul, “well, you are my partner and my best friend, which makes us family and I think I fit the category of work husband so I’ve got all the bases covered.”

Reaching for his hand, she pulled it up to her face, kissing his knuckles before tucking it under her cheek, “we need to talk about a few things.”

“No, we really don’t.”

“Yes, we do. Let me take the fall, please? I need to know you’re okay once I’m gone.”

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

“We can have that argument tomorrow. Right now, just let me enjoy this, all right?”

She heard his mental screams of ‘Stop It!’ and she did, nodding against his hand, “all right but tomorrow, you’re listening to me.”

Wanting to cocoon her, tuck her inside himself, hide her away so the cancer and the fear and the reality of it all couldn’t find her, he hugged her closer, spooned behind her tight, “maybe.” That’s as good as she would get tonight and accepting it, she did her best to forget everything but the moment. A pleasant ‘hmm’ purred out a minute later and, hearing it as well as feeling it against his chest, “what was that for?”

Not realizing she’d made the sound until it was too late, “living in my moment, Mulder.”

“Our moment.”

For half a second, she wanted to cry, “You’re right. Our moment.”

&&&&&&&&&

He was gone when she woke up, the nurse checking on her telling her quietly, “he snuck out about 20 minutes ago.” Seeing her still sleepy look of disappointment, she smiled, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you; he’ll be back.”

Alone a moment later, she tried to work herself into a rage because he left without saying good-bye and without talking to her like she’d asked but, in the end, it was Mulder and she really should have expected it. Returning to her side, facing the door, she shut her eyes, imagining he was still behind her.

&&&&&&&&&&

He appeared the next day, glass vial offering a last-ditch effort in his fight to save her. He watched her argue with her family, fight her doctors, grasp onto a fading hope without which, she would be forced to make him sit, discuss funeral arrangements, ask him to give up while holding her hand.

&&&&&&&&&&

First Skinner left her room, then her brother, then, finally, Maggie, who gave him a hug and told him, without words but the slightest of head nods, that Scully was inside waiting for him. He gave it another minute, still processing, still gripping the bloody picture, still marveling at the news that was, indeed, real.

Opening her door slowly, the first thing he saw was not a smile but her piercing gaze that ranged in interpretation, over the years, from raging irritation to unbridled happiness. Todays was more of a confused relief bordering on reserved elation, “Mom says you’ve been sitting in the hallway.”

“Your mother deserved the first hug.”

“Are you going to be my third?”

“Patience, woman. I give you a hug now, we’ll both be crying for the next hour.” Shooting her his first mischievous grin in months, “I am breaking all kinds of rules still being here. Three people have asked me to leave already.”

She’d been prepared to talk for a few minutes, then go to sleep but suddenly, that wasn’t cutting it anymore, “You want to go for a drive?”

Finally approaching her, he pressed his thighs against the edge of the bed, leaning just enough forward but keeping his hands in his pockets, schoolboy asking a question of his favorite girl, “your place or mine?”

She hadn’t even thought that far ahead in the discussion but now that it was out there, hanging in the air, she gave him a smile, “your place. We haven’t been there in awhile.”

“Luckily I just changed the sheets a few days ago.”

Holding eye contact, swearing for one second she could actually see into his soul, she found herself moving her legs, bumping into Mulder as she sat upright, slid off the bed, “go find me my clothes.”

They didn’t so much sneak from the hospital as walk out, quietly, Scully’s bag in Mulder’s one hand, Mulder’s other on her back, pressed to muscle and bone, fingers loose-gripping the back of her shirt. No one said a word, elevator their immediate destination, anywhere else in the world their quest. The air was balmy, the breeze light, and Scully stopped the moment the automatic doors shut behind her, inhaling deep.

Mulder, nearly knocking her over, suddenly panicked, “what? What’s wrong?”

Her head spun, giddy and light, “just … overwhelmed for a minute.”

“Do you need to go back inside?”

Shaking her head vehemently, “no … no, I just … your place, please.”

“Food first?”

“No. I … that’s too much right now.” Looking up at her partner, suddenly exhausted, “a bed would be nice and some drugs when we get to your place.”

“Home it is, then.” He valeted the car, tucked her inside, and drove away, aiming towards his apartment. She was dozing by the second turn and fully asleep by the time he pulled up to the curb. Crouching beside her open passenger door, hand on thigh, voice low, he began coaxing her in a soft voice reserved for just such occasions, “hey, Scully? Wake up. We’re here and you’ve gotta stay awake long enough to deal with the front steps and the elevator.”

Blinking her eyes open, they rolled around for a moment before focusing, “okay. Don’t let me fall down.”

“Never.”

He wanted to laugh at her swaying walk, likening it to her drunken trek a year ago at her mother’s surprise birthday party. Not saying that aloud, however, he steered her to his door then inside.

He set her bag down, then took her coat, hanging it before heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water so she could take her meds and lay down. Asking over his shoulder what type of pain killer she wanted, he glanced back when she didn’t answer. Finding her still rooted to her spot beside the hat rack, he stopped, took in the tears already rolling, then held out his hand, waving her towards him, “come here.” She did, shuffling, leaving shoes behind and walking into him, the collision backing him up a few steps. Accepting the momentum, he continued moving, sitting down on the arm of the couch, level with her now, arms tight around her neck, her face hidden in his shirt, “what’s wrong?”

“It can’t be real, Mulder. It can’t. It shouldn’t have worked.”

“But it did. You saw the scans.”

“But what if I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and it’s back?”

Shifting her away, he settled hands on cheeks, thumbs against eyebrows, painting over them lightly, absently, as he tilted her head to meet her tear-y gaze, “it won’t be but if it is, but it won’t be, we will figure it out … together … all right? We got here once and we can do it again … but we won’t have to, so don’t worry about it.”

Her hands were around his wrists, “I think you just gave me a headache.”

“I’ve been giving you headaches for four years now. What’s new?”

“This.” Leaning in, she kissed him, barely brushing his lips but setting his world on fire in the process, “I’ve got, to sound trite, a new lease on life and I’m not wasting it.” Kissing him again, before swaying dangerously to one side, “but I am going to ask that we sleep through a little bit of it because if I don’t lay down soon, I’m going to end up on your floor.”

He wiped the few remaining tears from her cheeks before he kissed her back, light but claiming, “do you mind some company?”

“I have never minded your company.” Yawning, she turned white, an immediate sweat beading on her upper lip, “but I need to lay down … now.”

Walking her to the bed, he gave her a shirt and some shorts, some drugs and a glass of water, then, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Returning with a second blanket, he found her curled, body imprint stamped on ‘her’ side of the bed forevermore. His giddiness in the moment nearly made him laugh but containing it, he settled beside her, spare blanket at their feet. His hand went to her forehead, thumb in gentle circles between her eyebrows.

It was gone.

He had her back.

And he wasn’t going to waste a minute of the time they had left.

Which was a lot longer than they’d had mere hours earlier.

He didn’t fall asleep for hours.

Watching her breathe.

&&&&&&&&&&

Neither should have been awake but when Mulder opened his eyes, he found himself staring at an empty pillow and equally empty bed. Squinting towards the dawn-grey living room and the darkened bathroom, he looked over his shoulder, finding his target standing by the open window, leaning on the frame.

Rolling over, he tucked the pillow under his head, yawning, then watching her for a minute before she felt his eyes on her and turned towards him, quiet.

His mind was open and slow, filters off, walls down, and in that very moment, the only thing he had left in the world to say was “I love you.”

Her slow spreading smile lit up the darkening room, thunder rumbling as a storm moved in. It stopped just shy of a full-on grin, then dropped back to slightly upturn lip curl, sigh deep, eyes closing for a moment to collect the proper words from the universe, before sending them drifting across to him slow and steady, “and I … finally have the time … to love you back.”

Mulder’s smile spread at the same speed hers did, pushing into the pillow, squashing face glowing, “is this another one of our moments?”

“They are all our moments from now on, Mulder. All of them.”

[slytherinbarnes]

Sub Rosa [77]

vi. memento mori

Pairing: Bellamy Blake x reader

Word Count: 4.7k

Warnings: angst, sadness, language.

Summary: With the loss of your twin hanging over your head, and you and Bellamy locked up within the palace, you begin to plan your revenge.

a/n: the taglist for this series is open! I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think!!!

previous chapter // season masterlist // series masterlist

You feel the warmth of the sun beaming down on your face, and you wake slowly, lazily, stretching out your limbs.

That is, until you remember the events from the night before.

You bolt upright, your eyes pulling open quickly, looking around in a panic. Your gaze lands on Bellamy first, whispering your name as he crawls over to you, his voice broken and hurt. You scramble over to him, as far as you can before you feel something tug on your wrist, and you look down in alarm and see that you’re chained to the floor, just out of reach from Bellamy. Still, the two of you face each other the best you can, his expression full of concern. “Are you okay?”

“No. Are you?”

His voice is soft, “No.”

Physically, you’re both okay, but mentally… that’s a different story. You look at your boyfriend, devastated and upset, and it makes you think of Clarke, and how scared she must have been in her final moments, all alone as they wiped her mind. You feel grief grip your chest and squeeze hard, choking you, before you let out the most heartbreaking scream, one that’s been building up since you were temporarily paralyzed. Tears fall down your face fast, loud, gut wrenching sobs slipping past your lips, and there’s nothing Bellamy can do to comfort you, both of you chained too far apart. He looks at you, tears rolling down his face as he watches you cry, desperate to reach you and comfort you. He starts to tug on his restraint, wanting so badly to hold you in his arms, but it’s useless. 

You cry and sob for what feels like hours, until your eyes are puffy and tired and your throat sore from your wailing. You sit achingly still for a few moments, staring at the wall, until you remember Echo hugging you a few days ago, returning your weapon to you, the same weapon you've slipped into your waistband everyday since. 

“My knife.”

You reach back, patting around, disappointment rolling through you when you realize it’s gone, the weapon now taken from you. You turn to Bellamy, full of desperation when you ask, “Did they take the skull knife from you?”

He checks every pocket, every inch of fabric on his body and comes up empty, both of you weaponless and locked up, the only two people aware of Clarke’s death. Not just her death, her body snatching. Josephine Lightbourne stole your twin’s body, and one of the Primes helped her do it, likely her terrible parents. You feel your anger start to rise, the pure rage you feel from having your sister stolen from you, her body still walking around as if to taunt you, and it’s enough to make you want to burn this place to the ground. You scramble to your feet and start to tug on your chain, screaming and raging as you yell, “I’ll kill you all for this! Your precious Primes can’t save you because they’re the first to die! Do you hear me? I’m gonna kill your leaders, one by one, and then I’m burning this whole place to the fucking ground!”

You scream with rage and tug on your restraints, frustrated by your limited range of motion. From what you can see, you're in some room, likely in the palace, most of the furniture covered up and pushed aside. But enough of it is close enough for you to reach, and you scream and grab the chair nearby, lifting it and swinging it towards the wall. Then you reach for the small vanity, a mirror still attached, and you kick it hard, knocking it backwards and destroying it. You kick and punch and destroy everything within your grasp, but still your whole body hurts with grief, the loss of your other half too much for you to handle. You collapse to the ground, sobs racking your body again, and you hear Bellamy call your name through his own crying. You look at him, and the sorrow that grips him tight, distressed about losing his best friend and watching his girl completely break down, and you try to reach him again, sliding close to him the best you can. You reach out for him, stretching your unchained arm as far as you can, and when he does the same, the two of you realize you have just enough reach to hold hands. 

And that’s how you and Bellamy remain for a long time, crying together, holding each other’s hands as tightly as you can, mourning the loss of Clarke together. 

-

At some point you fall asleep, exhausted from the emotions that continue to run you over and leave you hurting. When you eventually wake up again, you and Bellamy sit up and face each other, talking low and quiet as you decide what to do next. You're both in agreement that the second they killed Clarke is the second they signed their names on Death’s list, because Wanlida is coming for them all, prepared to avenge her murdered sister. As the two of you are discussing how to escape and do what needs to be done, you start to hear yelling from down the hall. You both look up as the doors to your room swing open, and Murphy is tossed inside, shoved to the ground at your feet. The doors are slammed shut behind him, and you look at him in confusion, wondering why he’s here. “Murphy?”

Murphy turns around in shock, looking at you and Bellamy, saying both of your names. “You figured it out too, huh? I should have known the two of you would.”

Bellamy asks, “Who else knows?”

“Nobody yet, just us.” He’s quiet for a minute, eyes scanning your face, trying to figure out your demeanor before he mutters, “Tried to offer me a deal.”

“What deal?”

“We agree not to retaliate, they help us build our compound.”

You glare at him, your voice threatening, “And what did you say?”

Murphy looks hurt at your implication, “What do you think I said? It's Clarke. She might not have been my favorite as of late, but she's still one of ours.”

Hearing Murphy talk about Clarke in the past tense makes you tear up again, the reality of the situation suddenly front and center again. You look at Murphy, expression softening as you whisper, “She cared about you, Murphy. I know that it might not have always seemed like it, but she did. She cared about all of us, and she would never let us die here.”

“You saying we should take the deal?”

You shake your head, and Bellamy does too, answering for you. “No, you were right. We don't need them to help us build our own compound. We kill them all, and we take theirs.”

Murphy looks from Bellamy to you, seeing if you agree, and when he sees the anger on your face he leans back and shakes his head. “Where's Blodreina when you need her?”

Bellamy’s jaw clenches but he says nothing, and the three of you sit in silence for a while, nobody quite sure what to say. Eventually Murphy gets up and starts to pace, but you and Bellamy remain sitting on the floor, watching him. Bellamy warns, “Hey, save your energy. You're gonna need it.”

“Yeah? For what, another war?” He stops pacing and turns to face the two of you. “Is that really what Clarke would want?”

Bellamy answers first, “I don't know what Clarke would want, it's too bad we can't ask her.”

You feel a rush of anger, pissed that Murphy already seems to disagree with the fight ahead when he was seemingly on your side a few minutes ago. Your voice is hard when you snap, “I do know what Clarke would want, and she’d want us to fight for her!”

Murphy shakes his head, disagreeing. “We know she wanted to do better. Somehow I don't think risking all of our lives for revenge is a step in the right direction.”

“Would you be saying that if it was Emori that they bodysnatched? If I let Clarke and my mother go through with their plans in Becca’s Lab, she’d be a Nightblood right now. She’d be the one at risk, and if my memory serves me correctly, you fought like hell when she was threatened.” You stand and stare him down, cocking your head to the side and sizing him up. “Imagine if she was dead.”

You see Murphy’s jaw clench, and you know you’ve hit a nerve, because he stands tall and walks closer, looking like he’s ready to fight. Bellamy stops the brewing storm with a question, his voice a quiet realization. “Why aren't you restrained like us?”

For the first time, you realize that Murphy’s hands are cuffed together, but he isn’t chained to the floor. He has free range of the room. Beyond that, he walked into this room, while you and Bellamy were drugged and brought in here while unconscious. You feel your suspicion rise as you take in Murphy’s situation, along with his insistent argument about killing every Prime on this moon. Murphy shrugs as he glances at Bellamy, “I don't know, maybe I seem less likely to rip their heads off.”

Bellamy stands, looking skeptical, the expression sending warning bells through you. Bellamy spent 6 years in space with Murphy, and the two men know each other very well. If Bellamy is skeptical, something is wrong. You feel your anger grow stronger as you glare at Murphy and snap, “Why are you really here, Murphy?”

“You really want to know?” You and Bellamy both nod, and Murphy steps closer to the two of you, closing the space between you. “Fine, I'm here to convince you to take the deal.”

Your anger starts to boil, growing hotter, and you’re about ready to explode as you turn to look at Bellamy, prepared to ask him if it’s okay for you to kick Murphy's ass. Bellamy is looking at Murphy with complete and utter disgust, his voice thick with disappointment. “Why am I not surprised? What did you see when you died, Murphy?”

“Am I trying to save my own ass? Yeah, I am, but I'm also saving both of you, just like I did during the red sun.” Murphy focuses his attention on Bellamy, aware that any begging with you won't go over well. “Bellamy, if we take this deal, we get everything we want. We get to live.”

You spit back, “Not Clarke.”

He turns to look at you, expression pleading. “We can't bring her back. We can make sure the rest of us survive, starting with the two of you. If you don't take this deal, Josephine will kill you both.”

You scoff and Bellamy retorts, “Then let her try.”

“Oh, so that's it, then? We start another war? We destroy another planet? Is that what you want? Is that what Monty would have wanted?”

The mention of Monty is the wrong idea, because Bellamy’s sympathy and disappointment turns to anger, explosive, boiling hot just like yours. He grabs the front of Murphy’s shirt, holding him in place, despite the restraint on his other wrist. “Listen to me, Monty would be ashamed of you.”

Bellamy shoves him away, back towards the door, and Murphy quickly masks his look of hurt. “Maybe he would be, or maybe he'd see that this is how we do better.”

Your anger finally snaps and you try to launch yourself at Murphy, fully prepared to send him to hell for his betrayal of Clarke and her memory. He flinches, despite the restraint on your wrist that tugs you back. Bellamy can sense your growing chaos, and he turns to Murphy and snaps, “Get out.”

He heeds Bellamy’s words and turns to knock on the door, pulled open a second later by a pair of guards. Before he steps out of the room, and he turns to look at you both one last time. “Don't worry, I'll do my best to make sure they only kill the two of you.”

You try to lunge at him again, frustrated as the restraint holds you back, and you watch him leave with a fire in your eyes, one that’s slowly burning through you, eating you alive, inch by inch. 

Your anger keeps you antsy and on edge long after that, but there’s nothing you can do but pace in one spot and plot your revenge, waiting for someone to come into the room and give you the opportunity to fight for your freedom. As you wait, the hours tick by, and the two suns track across the sky before setting for good. Before the sky turns completely dark, you’re staring out the window, thinking about how to get free from your restraint without a weapon, when you see movement in the sky. “Bellamy, look.”

He turns to the window and sees the transport ship, your transport ship, lift into the sky and fly away, back towards the mothership. You and Bellamy exchange a look as you mutter, “What the hell?”

But you don't get to harp on your confusion for long, because the door behind you swings open, and you and Bellamy both turn to see who is visiting you now. Unfortunately for you, it’s Josephine. You’re not sure you’ll ever stop being shocked at the sight of your twin, who is now no longer your twin, convinced it’ll take you a lifetime to remind yourself that she’s not in there anymore. Unfortunately for Josephine, your mind may be shocked, but your body is not, your anger still pulsing through your blood, attached to your cells like a permanent memory. You lunge at her, the chain the only thing holding you back, and she jumps backwards in surprise, holding her hands up in surrender. “I don't want to fight, okay?”

“Yeah, well I do. Why are you here?”

“Because we're all struggling to live with this, and I was hoping maybe we could help each other through it.” She steps towards you a little, and you feel your muscles tense up, readying for a fight. A fight that never comes, because there is movement by the door again, and all three of you turn your gaze to the door as Russell and Murphy stride into the room. Josephine glares at Murphy, and deadpans, “You went to my father?”

“I take big swings.” 

Russell looks at his daughter in shock. “What are you doing?”

“Saving us. They know you killed Clarke, and, unlike the snake behind you, they will cry over spilled milk.”

“Enough. What the hell's the matter with you? Have you become so callous to the feelings of others that you don't remember what it's like to lose someone you love?” She rolls her eyes and steps out of his way, opening up space for Russell to stand between you and Bellamy. “I know you're in pain, I know you want revenge. I would too. We had a chance to bring back our daughter, and we took it. We didn't consider the consequences.”

Josephine rolls her eyes again, crossing her arms, “For God's sake-”

“Be quiet.”

Murphy looks over at her, “Maybe you should just let the man speak.”

You and Bellamy both snap, “Shut up, Murphy.”

“I think you should hear him out, I think we can trust him.”

The familiar, comforting rush of anger washes over you, your voice rising as you glare at the cockroach. “You think we should trust the man that killed my twin?”

Russell looks at you in surprise, clearly being one of the few people that didn't catch the resemblance between you and Clarke. Maybe he was so blinded by the color of her blood that he never stopped and actually looked at her. He only ever saw her as a host. Still, he turns a sympathetic gaze to you, looking like he’s actually sorry. “You can. Look, I can't bring your twin back, but I can guarantee safety for the rest of your people. We'll share everything we've learned about surviving on this moon.”

You scoff, turning away from him, unable to look at him. Because you don't need his help to survive on this moon. None of you knew how to survive on Earth, but you figured it out. And once you kill all the Primes and take over Sanctum, half of the work is already done. Your people will be safe, without the help of a body snatching asshole, and you’ll have a compound of your own, connected to a tunnel system of your own for when the two suns eclipse. 

Bellamy glances to the window, and then back to Russell. “Why did our ship just take off?”

Murphy is the one to answer, “Abby's showing them how to make Nightblood.”

You freeze, you and Bellamy locking gazes in shock. Your brain is still trying to process the thought that soon the Primes will have access to all the Nightblood they could want, making them truly immortal, when Bellamy recovers first. “I take it she doesn't know that one of her daughters is dead. You're gonna have to kill her too. Because between our need for revenge and Abby’s need for revenge, there's only one way this ends.”

As Bellamy finishes his sentence, Josephine starts to move towards you, and your gaze falls on a knife gripped in her hand. Your shock wears off and your body tenses, again preparing for a fight. You watch her duck low, the knife cutting through the cable that keeps you attached to the floor, and as soon as you feel your hand go free, you launch into action. You kick Josephine’s hand, knocking the knife out of her grip, watching it slide over to Bellamy. He reaches for it as you hit Josephine in the neck, forcing her to start coughing and choking. Before anyone else can even comprehend your movements, you spin towards Russell, kicking him in the stomach and watching as he doubles over. Then you hear Bellamy call your name, and you turn his way as he tosses you the knife, which you grab from the air. You turn back towards Russell, wrapping your arm around his neck and using the other hand to hold the knife to his neck. 

You see his eyes go wide, and you turn him slightly, until the two of you are facing Bellamy, who has Josephine in his grip, the cord of restraint wrapped around her neck, just waiting for your command to kill her. Murphy yells your names above the chaos, sounding panicked, “Stop, alright? You don't want them to kill all of us! Just think!”

“They won’t kill any of us if they’re all dead, Murphy.”

Russell struggles slightly in your grip, and you press the knife into his skin, nicking him. He winces, sucking in air through his teeth, freezing up completely, looking at his daughter with fear. “Josephine!”

Josephine looks at her dad, sounding apologetic, but you can tell she only cares about saving her own life. “I'm sorry, daddy. Violence is all they know.”

She looks away from her dad, her eyes moving to you. “If killing him is what you need, then do it, but let the violence end here...an eye for an eye.”

“Why should I let the violence end here, Josephine? It took me and Bellamy seconds to get you and your father under control. Imagine how quickly we can kill the rest of the Primes when I tell the rest of our people what you’ve done.” You look at Bellamy, and he tightens his grip on Josephine’s neck, choking her slightly, proving your point. 

Murphy yells, “Wanlida, stop!”

You freeze, the nickname making your blood run cold. “If you kill them, that’s what you become. The Bringer of Death. Is that what you want? Is that really what Clarke would want? Clarke, who did everything in her power to escape her nickname? Killing these people in her name would go against everything she tried to escape! And it would make you a murderer, no better than the Grounders, or the Mountain Men, or Pike, or McCreary. Because this isn't a kill for survival, this is revenge, plain and simple.”

Tears well up in your eyes as you consider his words. Wanlida, the Bringer of Death. The identity you've tried to escape. The identity you promised the Universe you’d leave behind. The identity you sent into the sky, attached to a lantern. Wanlida is not who you want to be. You don't want to be Azazel, or a murderer, or a monster. You just want to be the moon, bright and dazzling, the guiding light. Your stomach rolls over when the memory comes forward, you and Bellamy sitting in a tree, right after you thought your mother died in the exodus ship crash. Guiding lights don’t kill for revenge. Clarke never killed for revenge. So why should you?

You look at Bellamy, feeling the conflict warring inside of you, unsure what to do. He senses it, catching on to the panic in your expression with ease. “I’ll support whatever you decide.”

The words are enough to decide for you, and the fight leaves your body in a rush. Your grip loosens and the knife drops from your hand, clattering to the ground at your feet. You drop your arm away from Russell and he steps away from you, reaching up to touch the small amount of black blood that drips from the tiny cut you gave him. Bellamy releases Josephine, who seems to think the whole situation is a joke, smiling as she steps away from your boyfriend and passes a pair of mind drives to Murphy, repeating Murphy’s earlier words back to him. “Big swings.”

The sight of the drives makes you sick, and you suddenly understand why Murphy was so eager to get you and Bellamy to back down. Because there was something in it for him, as usual. Josephine’s smugness and Murphy’s manipulation is almost enough to make you pick the knife back up and kill them both on the spot, but you don't have the energy to do it. You don't have the energy to fight her or Murphy or Russell or anyone anymore. Because in doing the right thing, you let your twin’s murder go unchecked. And nothing could possibly make you feel worse than that.

-

Of course, you’re wrong about feeling worse. 

It turns out that having to pass the message along to your friends, and then tell them that you’re not going to avenge Clarke, is even worse. It’s enough to leave you exhausted, slumped over in a chair in the tavern, sitting in silence along with the others. Echo comes rushing into the room, looking around in a panic, relief washing over her face as soon as she sees you and Bellamy. But then she actually sees you, taking in the slump of your shoulders and upset expressions, and she looks worried again, running over to the two of you in a hurry. “What's going on?”

Bellamy looks over at you, but you shake your head unable to say the words out loud again, so he stands and whispers, “Clarke's dead.”

Echo’s expression immediately changes to match yours, clearly upset, despite not knowing Clarke well. But she knows that Clarke is one of you, and that she’s a leader, and that an attack against one of you is an attack against all of you. More importantly, Echo knows that Clarke is your twin. She drops beside you and pulls you into a hug, and you weakly hug her back before she pulls away, expression now one of anger. “So when do we attack?”

You feel tears well up in your eyes again, and Echo looks at you in confusion before turning to look at Bellamy. He clarifies, “We don't. We do what Clarke would have done, we survive.”

She nods, accepting the answer, and you think that's the end of it until you hear feet on the stairs behind you. You freeze, your heart sinking low as your eyes lock on Madi, who’s looking towards you as she walks down the stairs. “Madi, hey...We have something to tell you.”

You take a deep breath, steeling yourself, knowing that the words need to come from you. You turn to face her, taking in her terrified expression, picking up on the energy in the room. She walks over to you, and you drop down to her eye level, taking her hand in yours. “Madi, Clarke’s dead. The Primes wiped her consciousness and made her a host for Josephine.”

You see Madi's lip quiver, tears instantly spilling from her eyes as she lunges at you, wrapping her arms around your neck and tucking her head in the space between your shoulders, crying. You hug her back, her tears triggering yours, and the two of you stand crying and holding each other, everyone's eyes on you. You cry until you can't take the pitying looks anymore, then you lift Madi and carry her up the stairs, into the room she shared with Clarke. You lay her in the bed, sitting on the edge of it as you look down at your heartbroken niece. You reach into your pocket, grabbing the one item you requested before agreeing to Russell’s terms. Clarke’s bracelet, two different charms hanging from it, now belonging to you. 

You take Madi’s hand and attach the bracelet around her wrist, whispering, “She’d want you to have this.”

Madi starts to cry again, looking up at you with a tear stained face. “They deserve to die for what they’ve done.”

“I know, Madi, I know. But that’s not what Clarke would have wanted. We’re going to honor her memory by doing better, not by starting another war.”

She nods, understanding though you know she wishes she didn't. She reaches out for your hand, tugging you towards her. “Will you stay with me until I fall asleep, ani?”

“Of course, little sun.”

You lay down beside her, brushing her hair with your fingers and whispering stories of the stars to her until she falls asleep. You stay for a few minutes afterwards, making sure she's actually lost in her dreams, before you slip out of her room and head down the stairs. Everyone looks at you as you reach the bottom, and you notice Bellamy missing, his seat now empty. Echo points towards the exit of the tavern and mutters, “Out by the pond.”

You nod in thanks and step outside, walking over to the pond, searching for Bellamy. You finally see him sitting on a bench beside the water, hunched over and crying. You watch his shoulders shake as he tries to hold back his tears, working to stay quiet, and the sight of it breaks your heart. You slide onto the bench beside him, taking his hand, and he looks over at you, startled. He hastily tries to wipe away his tears, as he asks, “How’s Madi?”

“Hurting. But she's sleeping now.” You reach up with your free hand and wipe away some of his tears that he missed in his haste. “How are you?”

“I should be asking you that.” He sniffles, looking away with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't even be crying, Clarke is your twin.”

The words bring tears to your eyes again, and you almost start to marvel at the sheer amount of tears you’ve shed today. Instead, your brain focuses on the word twin, and you quietly whisper. “Was. She was my twin. Now I’m not a twin anymore.”

You start to cry, the realization breaking your heart, and Bellamy pulls you into his arms, comforting you the way he wanted to comfort you when the two of you were locked up out of reach. “You’ll always be a twin, and she’ll always be with you. No matter what.”

He starts to hum Clair de lune, softly rocking you back and forth as you attempt to purge the sadness from your body. Stretched out above you, the stars in the sky shine, taunting you, reminding you of what you’ve lost. You think of Gemini, the twins Castor and Pollux, and how they were stronger together. You and Clarke were always stronger together too, unbreakable, but now you start to wonder:

With your other half gone, how will you be strong now?

-

next chapter

[foxy-knowledgeseeker]

I dunno how to do that fuckin acronym but what’s ur fav fic writer of all time and why isn’t it me //j

Happy ffwf!

First of all? Who said you weren't my fave fanfiction writer? I will fight them!

But also, I have many favorite fanfiction writers, and I am using this joke ffwf ask as an opportunity to promo some of them, so thank you!

One of the first ATLA fics I read when the renaissance happened last year was "Memento Mori" by doctorate_in_realology aka @hootyapologist . I read it even before we were friends and fangirled so hard when I found out lol. If you love Aang and aangst and Aang aangsting about his lost culture and family, this is the fic for you! A beautiful exploration of grief. And Jake's other ATLA fic is awesome and so are the snippets of Owl House fic and original work I have been privileged to see from. He's a great writer and my go-to for a good action sequence!

Anything by Tashii or @irresistible-revolution is some of the most gorgeous prose I have ever laid eyes on! Reading her fanfiction is one of the closest things to a religious experience I have ever had. She writes community, spirituality, and love in the realest way and has made me enjoy character and relationship dynamics I never thought I would through the way she makes emotions feel SO REAL.

I know this author doesn't want to be tagged about this fic anymore because they are tired (and they deserve! the fic is 188 chapters long!), but MsKingBean89, who wrote All the Young Dudes, will remain one of my most cherished writers of all time. I literally have this fic printed and bound into three volumes, that's how much I love it. Their writing is simultaneously funny, cynical, and simple. The effort they put into their research to give relevant and intersectional history to their fic is unmatched by any writer I have read before. They are an icon and probably are just some average joe somewhere in the UK just living life but with an army of stans on Tumblr losing their minds over this fic.

nerdylizj on AO3 wrote a beautiful Percabeth fic called "Transatlanticism" that left me breathless! To this day, they are the first writer who has handled Percy and Annabeth's post-Tartarus PTSD in a real and gritty way. Their fic is beautifully written and left me feeling broken and mended back together all at once. I plan I reading everything they have written in the PJO tag because I just love their take on the characters and their writing feels like a comforting hug in the throes of grief.

You actually recc'd this fic for me but Merprinces on AO3, who wrote "Perfect Rings of Saturn," has my whole heart. Their command of metaphor and allusion is unmatched by any fanfic writer I have ever read. The envy and adoration I feel simultaneously upon reading their words consumes me, and I cannot wait to see what else they write, because, by god, I have never felt so amazing as when I am reading their words.

Finally, YOU are my fave fanfic writer to collab with because I love how genuinely you think about how characters interact and the motivations of their actions. You are always so thoughtful about what is really driving a story: the characters and what they represent for our real, human experiences here in real life. Planning and talking about fanfiction with you always leaves me laughing and feeling so jazzed to continue participating in fandom, even when it's stressful or something has been disappointing.

[rhiainawhile]

Today was the very last day of Unus Annus. I always knew it was going to end, I mean sure there were memes about 'saving' it, like #stoptheclock, but I always knew that they were nothing but wishful thinking. I had accepted it.

I took today off work, in order to watch the livestream. I'm sure people might look at me weird, knowing I used PTO to watch two guys on youtube sit in one place and talk at a camera for twelve hours straight, but I would have regret it for a very, very long time if I hadn't.

This year, has been so hard. In so many different ways. It has also been the best year of my life. I dropped out of school at the beginning of last year, right before Unus Annus started. It was the best, and hardest, decision I have ever made. I moved back in with my parents. I got my first job, working minimum wage with developmentally disabled folks. I discovered a new passion, in caring for people.

There were so many ups and downs this year. There were times where I felt everything was on it's way up. There were times when I have felt so helpless and useless, and wanted everything to just, stop. But throughout it all, everyday, there was a new video to look forward to. With two goofballs on the internet who just wanted to make people feel something. Through laughter, and tears, they succeeded.

Though sometimes my sister and I have a hard time staying on the same page when it comes to watching shows together, when it came to Unus Annus we relied on each other. We didn't watch a single episode with out the other. We trusted each other, to keep track of the time that was left, and not let us fall too far behind. We trusted each other, to not start watching it by ourselves. There were times when I was tempted, I'm not going to lie, but it would have felt like too much of a betrayal. And I'm glad I never did. I feel like me and my sister have grown closer this year, which is something I'm entirely grateful for.

It really hit me, in the last couple of minutes of the livestream, that this reliable, solid, piece of my life for the past year will no longer exist. Me and my sister were sitting there, in the living room where we had holed ourselves up for the last twelve hours, thanking Mark and Ethan and Amy and everyone else for their hard work. I said, "Thank you for always being something I could look forward to everyday. Thank you for making my year better. Thank you for being there." And then I realized that was it. This year, this one year, for better or worse, was over. And then I started crying.

Even though this year is over, and gone, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. Maybe I'll forget the details, or the videos. But this feeling? This experience that I lived with my sister? It's going to shape who I become, I just know it.

Mark, Ethan, the entire team that worked so hard to make Unus annus what it was, I can honestly say that you have inspired me. It's not something I can say about a lot of things. I am generally apathetic, depressed, and willing to just float by in life. But you guys, today, made me want to do better. You made me want to make something, of myself but also just in general. I want to wake up everyday and try, try to do something I am proud of. I want someone to ask, "what have you been up to?" and be able to say something concrete, like yes, I have been working hard at something and I want you to see what I have done, what I have become, what I've made.

During some of the last moments of the channel, you guys asked each other what your favorite moments were. I know you weren't really asking the audience, but I couldn't help trying to think of my own favorite moment. And I could not come up with one. I still can't. I can think of several of the funniest. The most well acted. The most intriguing. The best cinematic. But my favorite? How to I choose? How do I pick one, from all year, and say, "this is it, this made unus annus for me"?

A part of me wants to say, the end is the most significant moment. I'm certainly feeling more now about this channel than I did all year. But that's not really what the channel was about, I think. It was always going to end, but what happened while it was still alive is what it was about. Moments with my sister, and my mom, and my grandma, and my dogs and my dad, and anyone else who happened by as the year ticked on. We annoyed each other, we loved each other, we yelled and we laughed and we hugged and we ignored each other for petty reasons. But we were there. We were there. That's what really matters. So, I don't think I can pick a 'favorite' moment. It's too big for that.

Memento mori. Unus Annus.

[bellamyblake]

I saw your tags and I agree! s6 was peak romantic Bellarke. I think the problem with the season is that it left a bitter taste. I was so good and after s5 kinda restored our souls but then there wasn't a payoff and jroth...well...was jroth and downplayed it big time. So all that excitement went away.

My personal opinion is that a lot of bellarke, like strong bellarke fans with lots of followers, and mainly creators of all sorts (giffers, fanfic writers) left in season 5 because they didn’t enjoy the season and as much as we as fans write and talk about angst, I guess we can’t handle watching it? So that was one reason. 

Another reason was that much like in season 3, in season 5 people have big expectations about the bellarke reunion, and when that wasn’t met, they kind of stepped back. 

Also, as much as I love our fandom, I think a very big portion of it just don’t get bellamy (or clarke for that matter) as INDIVIDUAL characters. Many people used the hash tag not my bellamy at the season 5 time and that hurt me personally a lot because I am one of those people who loved seeing bellamy grow as a leader, as a person, as a human being. 

The more I watch and rewatch, the better I get the characters but I just think that a very big part of the fandom is very much in love with the idea of the rebel kind bellamy and the bellarke from season 1 and I can see where this appeal comes from, though I personally prefer their relationship in later seasons because for me it grows and gains substance and just makes them THEM, you know? 

But I think a lot of people were just in love with this idea of angry, spontaneous, rebel king, whatever-the-hell-we-want Bellamy that they just...wanted that? And nothing else. Whilst I think it was most necessary that he grew as a character, that he grew as a leader. It is what Clarke wanted for him. Now I always think he was head AND heart before just like she was head and heart too before that monumental talk in 4x13 but I think the pain of losing clarke just sent him to more of THAT head extreme than anything.

However season 6 truly realizes him as he IS and should be- a very well rounded leader, a very well-balanced mix of head and heart. That is so clearly showed in 6x06 memento mori when he talks to Murphy and first he just wants to act his GRIEF out, the grief form losing Clarke AGAIN but then he gets to think about it and he slows down, takes a breath and realizes that-she’s gone and yet again it is up to HIM to take care of THEM, all of them and that THIS is what she would want and THIS is how he honors her. It’s not the first time it happens and it hurts even worse but he has to do this.

Bellarke is amazing in season 6 because it has all these amazingly awesome tropes that we talk and write about in fic but suddenly they are right there for us and we somehow skip them? Which is unbelievable for me.

We have the Bellamy figuring out it’s not her and then going through the grief of losing her YET again whilst in the meantime Clarke is in Jo’s body and tries to fight for herself but GIVES UP WHEN SHE FIGURES OUT HE THINKS SHE’S DEAD and then we get him realizing she’s still IN THERE and he FIGHTS FOR HER and he actually truly brings her BACK using the same old but golden

Head and Heart

And I won’t lie it hurts me that some of those fans who gave up in season 5 and again I’m not blaming them but sometimes I feel like they are just unncessesarily evil cause they say-oh lord they touched lips in that cpr scene are we really fawning over that?

And I’m like-do I gotta remind you guys, that YOU died when she kissed his cheek in 2x16?

So somehow one is better than the other? And somehow those of us who saw all of their potential and all of the amazing stuff that happened for them in season 6 (from bellamy figuring it out to thinking he lost her YET again, to fighting for her in the cave, and then literally saving her and then REFUSING to let her risk her life yet again but knowing he doesnt have a choice to her HUGGING Him when she lost her mom???? all the tropes literally...all the fics you write IS that but you can write it yet not see it and recognize it?) are...I guess wrong? LOL for the general fandom esp on twitter.

Tbh the reason why season 5 was so bad for me was because of fandom and most of all it was because of people claiming the hash tag-not my bellamy.

I came into this fandom in the worst time possible. In season 3. When bellarke and bellamy fans hated Bellamy much like they did in season 5 and when I was so confused as to what I think and I read all these meta and thoughts and all those stuff. Much of the same is happening now in season 7.

So I told myself, I won’t listen to anyone, I won’t read anything and I’ll just blacklist. But it still hurt. It hurt like HELL. But now I’m smarter, and i make my own thoughts and I know what I love about my favorite character and I know when I can judge the writing, when I can judge his actions when I can love his actions, all of it.

But I do it, myself.

I think a lot of people are just influenced by fandom. And that’s horrible. My friend who’s not in the fandom LOVED season 5, hated season 4. I love season 4 because of many things I wont get into now but that’s just my point. People can ruin this for you.

However I will never forget the not my bellamy tag. And people still use that shit. and I just never will get it. I love this boy. I love where he is now. And I am sorry but as cool and as awesome he is in season 1 and I love him there too, I just love the well-rounded person that he is now, the growth he went through.

Do I find injustices? Yes, I do. I definitely do. I have thoughts about things that I find wrong when it comes to Bob and Bellamy. And I can criticize that. 

but I love Bellamy Blake. That I am sure of. And no amount of hash tags and people telling me touching lips aint shit in cpr scenes or casual glances are nothing and on and on about how pathetic I am, can change my mind.