#my experience last night honestly already fading away like fine grains of sand but it makes me think about my relationship to pain
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#my experience last night honestly already fading away like fine grains of sand but it makes me think about my relationship to pain#i am very glad i dont cut myself anymore thats great i dont want to do that. But. on the way back i wanted to in a way very different from#when im feeling upset and want to. Like idk dare i say stim toy idk#i really like having marks from pain in many contrxts outside sexuality and maybe its not that deep#1 nothing wrong witj me 2 nothing wrong with me#also realized like idfw aftercare at least not from strangers and that made me think about my very strong desire to isolate to experience#emotions. but i also didnt feel emotional. i was just like ok this has run its course.#Idk i have much to learn and much to grow i think i pretty severely have walls up and this didnt break them#i was hoping it would but UNFORTUNATELY u cant externalize that work..#ive been thinking about how im always somewhere else sometimes multiple somewhere elses#Anyway need a friend with a flogger
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