#my dopamine deficient ass WILL get it somehow

[ruhrohherewego]

u ever wish u could make yourself like something bc u miss liking it but u feel totally numb to it

[thisworldisablackhole]

Underneath From the Gut of Gaia

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌑

FFO: DEATH METAL, HARDCORE, BLACKENED GRIND / LISTEN

Underneath are a perplexing band. Starting out as a bedroom deathcore project with multi-instrumentalist and kid genius Joey Philips at the helm, they released a debut EP that could have easily fooled me into thinking they have been around the block for decades. Somehow, despite being super hyped on their EP and subsequent singles, their debut LP From the Gut of Gaia slid completely under my radar for almost three months. I wouldn't usually blame a band for my inability to be hip and in-the-know, but Underneath didn't exactly do themselves any publicity favours with this album either. It was released through an obscure independent tape label based in Canada, and then the band completely wiped their Instagram account only to come back about a month later with a post claiming that the band has undergone some changes, all prior music is "dead in the water" and to be regarded as demos, and that their first official release is yet to come. Strange, but okay.

If From the Gut of Gaia is a demo, then everybody else needs to step up their fucking game immediately. Not only does this album feature some masterful punchy songwriting and a thoughtful, engaging track flow, but it has some seriously pro sounding production to back it all up. Guitars and bass are loud and coated in a layer of filth, while the drums are nice and crisp to offer a sense of precision and clarity to the rhythm section that keeps the dirt from bleeding over the edge of the chalice. Joey's vocals sound straight up demented in their anger, and I really appreciate the tasteful variations in range and delivery on display here. Joey treats us to everything from low, to lower, to even lower, some highs for balance, and then those hilariously disgusting slam gutturals on the aptly titled "Disguster" are just icing on the cake. There are also these quick little back and forth pick scrapes all over this album that sound like the crack of a metallic whip (or a burst fire from a laser gun?) and I absolutely love them, even if they are abused in certain songs. There is a laborious attention to detail here that is honestly impressive for such a young band. They have implemented an easter egg hunt of ear candy so that you always hear something new when you smash the replay button.

Catchy isn't usually the first word that comes to mind when I think of blistering deathcore bands, but the way Underneath jumps from these grinding double kick tremolo assaults into insanely groovy mid tempo death metal riffage just activates the neurons in my dopamine deficient brain in a way that keeps me coming back over and over again to engage in the spiraling pursuit of madness. Nasty riffs and quick left hook transitions are a recipe for instantly memorable and addictive moments. The length of these tracks definitely lend themselves to the replay value of this album as well, with an average length of one to three minutes long. There is no fat on these tracks. They are concise, and nothing gets lost in excess, but that doesn't mean the band doesn't indulge in a little ambiance as a treat when they want to. Mid album interlude "-epoch-", for instance, features some somber reverberated plucking and distorted voice samples that transition nicely into the atmospheric black metal intro of "The Second Great Dying", but it doesn't last long before Underneath comes back to remind you that they are here to beat ass first and foremost.

The mammoth fifteen minute title track closer is the only song where the band fully gives in to the experimental blackened death fantasy and strings the listener along with a series of blast beats and slow atmospheric doom passages. The track is technically only 10 minutes long if you discount the spooky 5 minutes of tape decay and an acapella performance of the Christian hymn "Amazing Grace" that sounds like it was damaged by nuclear waste. This part of the track honestly gives me Fallout Radio vibes and I never feel like skipping it. It's quite a fitting way to go out, as a lot of the lyrics on this album center around the theme of religion and the man made destruction of earth.

Again, if this was just a demo, then this band has a very bright future ahead of them. I have absolutely no doubt that they will continue to top themselves as they evolve and grow into their newly fleshed out lineup. I just hope that future Underneath fans will give From the Gut of Gaia the credit it deserves, as I am inclined to believe this album is more than just a shot in the dark, nor is it dead in the water.

[dear-diary-where-is-my-soul]

Hey Diary,

It has been... almost a whole year? Idk. I’m here anyhow. I somehow got it into my head that when high school was over, I would somehow become magically no longer mentally ill. That didn’t happen, obviously. So here I am. I did a bit of digging and I think I have ADHD (Which I like to call dopamine deficiency) and also ASD (Which I like to call a pain in my ass). I’m just kidding, they’re both a pain in my ass. But at least I know what it’s called. I can kind of manage it now because I spent hours looking for management plans that work for both ADHD and Autism, and seeing what worked for me. I know for a fact that I have Anxiety (Of the social variant - possibly tied to autism) and depression (That I’ve had since age 12 - about 6 years). I thought I was over my anorexia but it keeps pestering in the back of my mind. I’m eating now, but it still isn’t 3 meals a day. It’s not ‘healthy’ meals but it’s better than nothing. I still think that sometimes I’m not worth the food. My boyfriend (The same boyfriend) is a really good cook. His food is so good. But neither of us can eat it.   I moved out for a short while, about 4 months. I moved in with my boyfriend, who moved in about 9 or so months before me, with his ‘dad’ (Non-bio, no longer dating [Boyfriends] mother). During those 4 months, I spent more than 1000′s dollars in savings not to mention my Centrelink payments, which only started during the second month [half of what my boyfriend was getting], to trying to keep me and my boyfriend alive. Which would’ve been way easier if I didn’t need to spend over 500 dollars in taxi fees because his dad didn’t know when to stop drinking. So, a little bit of extra kicked in the fucking balls, Before I moved in, I was told that I wouldn’t need to worry about rent until my Centrelink payments were sorted. But, when we move out, my boyfriend sold his bike and 650 of that money was given to his dad because he was keeping track of how long I didn’t pay rent for and said I owned it to him. Even Though my boyfriend offered 2/3 of my rent (Plus his own) every payday. We were both told that it was fine and that we didn’t have to worry about it.  He always complained about me being anti-social. Which was really fucking clear to begin with. I never said that I would be interacting with him more than what was comfortable. This was his main excuse for drinking. But, until I moved in he completely ignored my boyfriends attempts to be social with him.  He wasn’t my type of person. Conservative, mid 40′s, cis-het, white man with ASD and previous alcohol and drug use problems. AKA ‘There’s nothing wrong with the world you’re just to sensitive, men are men and women are women nothing will change that, except don’t move my living room around because that’s too much for me to handle’.  He used to scream at my boyfriend that he isn’t a real guy, but got upset when my boyfriend then put distance between them to not get any more hurt and depressed. I hated it. I can’t handle any loud noises or anything like that. It sends me up the wall with anxiety and I’m very easily over stimulated. Unfortunately, our roommate did not get over stimulated easily and really like heavy metal, which he would play unbearably loud until 2-3 AM on the weekends. He also nearly broke our bedroom door several times. He would scream insults at us through the door and while outside our window (which had a little undercover deck-type-thing, where he drank himself stupid).  Me and my boyfriend took a two week holiday up back to our home town, because my boyfriend was having stress-induced Seizures. He was having full-on whole-body fits every 2-3 days that lasted about 5 minutes (These have stopped since we moved out). Anyway, we got back home, being dropped off by my bf’s mum,( who has since very much mellowed out [about my boyfriend being trans] by having another kid, this kid is nearly 18 months old, has some kind of IBS [Unconfirmed as of yet, but he is in a lot of pain]). We put away the few bits of shopping we got, as we were band from touching our roommates food over a month before because he was asked not to eat ours (Not true, but he did use a full packet of our cheese [7 or 8 bucks per packet] in one meal that neither me or my boyfriend liked or could eat, which we were talking about to my boyfriends mother who mentioned it). He also said that we accused him of stealing and shit like that (We didn’t). But anyway, We make dinner because it was around 5;30 or so and we didn’t eat lunch. We put of a movie in the background and my boyfriend goes out for a cigarette on the deck-thing and when he comes back in he tells my that our roommate has been drinking but will stop soon because we’re home.  8:30 comes around, me and my bf are heading to bed with the same movie on in the background and that’s when the screaming starts. 20 whole minutes of our roommate screaming “FAGGOTS” to try to get our attention. During this time, we call my bf’s mum, who is still in town because she had a doctors appointment the next day, staying at my bf’s nans house. We then get up, grab our still-packed from our two week trip (day)bags, and wall ten minutes away to the shopping centre near-by and call a taxi.  During that night, our (ex)roommate texted my bfs mum basically saying that we are ‘kicked out’ and that he hates all of us. This isn’t the first time this has happened but it is definitely the last. We went back, the next day while he was at work, grabbed our other bags and a few of the essential items we wanted for the next week or so. Our landlord (ex-roommates mother) said that everything was fine to stay there until we could get it picked up within the next two months or so. She offered to pack it all up for us as well, which we accepted because neither of us wanted to go back to that house again.  We haven’t been there, or seen him since. My bf’s mother’s bf went with my brother to pick up all of the rest of our stuff a week after we left. We set back up in my home town, now both of us have been ripped away from our new doctors, our counsellors and my new therapist less than a week before my first appointment (which I now do via telehealth [phone/video calls]). This was about a month ago. me and my bf now have set up and pay for our internet ourselves and I got a disney+ subscription because I'm obsessed with feeling the safety I felt during childhood.  Anyway, I live with my boyfriend and his mum and her boyfriend and their 1 year old. Both of my parents live in this town but we’ve been in lock down and I haven’t been able to see them. I feel like I’m drowning because I don’t go outside. I used to walk with my boyfriend, but because he has several chronic health issues we can’t risk him going outside and he can not exercise as much as either of us would like due to chronic pains (And a busted knee which he has scans for in a fortnight or so). I’m in an online course, which was fully government subsidized due to the amount of people who need training or retraining after Covid-19. I really like it, and it is making me think more harshly about wanting to start a business. However, I don’t think I can do the assessments. Almost all of them seem to require me being social on the online group chats, and it fuels my social anxiety so much I didn’t do anything to my course for a whole month. And this whole thing was a way to help me get rid of those feelings, but I still don’t know what to do. How do I word it to the teachers? I haven’t talked to any of them before and it might seem like I just don’t want to put in the work in the social aspects of my assessments because I don’t have a diagnoses.  This sucks. I can barely sit my ass down and read through the work as it is. Then I start thinking about how I'm 1 quarter of the way through this course and haven’t brought myself to do a single assessment. Then I freak out over how much I’ve done (or haven’t done) and don’t end up doing the work.