#my desk is kindof a mess sorry

[scrawnym4]

everyone appreciate my computer now or i will destroy you with my laser beam eyes

[metalvsflesh]

Drabble;

“Good morning!” chimed Blitzcrank, huddled down amongst piles of countless boxes of circuits, wires, broken contraptions, and other tinkerer’s items.

“Good morning!” Viktor mimiced. Which was quite easy, given that Blitzcrank only spoke with Viktor’s voice.

It was the highlight of his day, coming to work. Not for the work itself, but to see his prized invention. Of course, he always had to clean up after it’s nightly antics. This time it was piles of boxes it had grabbed and stacked around itself in what resembled a pillow fort; if the pillows were made of cardboard and stuffed with electronics. After Viktor closed up for the night and left, Blitzcrank grew bored rather quickly, and - like children do - made a mess of anything it could reach.

In retrospect, that fact alone should have cued Viktor into deciding against giving it a grapple-arm that allowed it to reach literally anything.

“You were quite busy last night,” Viktor said, setting his half-eaten breakfast and water bottle on his desk. “Made an absolute mess, didn’t you?”

Blitzcrank giggled.

“What do you take me for, a janitor?”

Viktor walked over and peeked into one of the boxes and began to pick it up. Truthfully, he didn’t mind picking up these types of things. It was tedious, yes, and the time could be better spent, but the heartwarming joy he got every morning upon seeing the outcome of Blitzcrank’s play was more than worth it. Not to mention good for his research.

Whether the golem knew or not, it’s playtime fun gave a lot of information about it’s capabilities. In this case: seeing what boxes it retrieved, how it stacked them about itself, and how much destruction it wrought in the process told Viktor how accurate it was, the limits of what it could hold, how much force it could put out, and what it’s logical processes were capable of. Knowing the limits of the technology in it allowed Viktor to adjust and re-invent them in order to make them better for future use in other projects.

Viktor went about putting the boxes in their correct spots. A smile stuck on his face, humming merrily, a slight spring in his step. Blitzcrank watched him intently. It was as though it was expecting something. As he came back around to pluck a box from atop one of the taller piles, it gave a chirp, then a low trill.

“Hm?” Viktor took a step back.

Blitzcrank chirped again, optics flickering.

“Use your words.”

“Good morning!”

Viktor laughed, “Good morning!”

“Good morning!”

“Indeed it is! How are you?”

Blitzcrank played a recording of a growl.

“What is it?”

“Good morning!” Blitzcrank repeated. “I expect good things.”

That didn’t make sense. Viktor furrowed his brow, “I don’t understand.”

Blitzcrank growled again, “Hug!”

“Ooh!” Viktor shook his head. He’d forgotten he’d recently made it part of their morning routine to give Blitzcrank a hug and a pat on the head when he first walked up to him. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

“It’s difficult.”

“Is it, now?” he lifted his arms and beckoned to his creation. “I’m sorry for forgetting. Quite busy this morning, you know how confused I can get when things don’t go accordingly.”

Blitzcrank leaned down and buried his face in Viktor’s shoulder as Viktor gave him his good morning hug, “Messy, Viktor.”

“I’m messy? Who taught you how to be so hypocritical?”

The golem laughed loudly, picking Viktor up in it’s attempt at a hug. It’s very crushing attempt. For a split second, at this height, Viktor noticed a dented, brownish metal box settled on top of the highest pile of boxes. Then, he heard something in his back crack loudly.

Well.. that was a bit worrying.

He wheezed, “You’re crushing me.”

It gave two beeps and put Viktor down. The inventor sucked in a deep breath, giving a few coughs as he looked back up at the box. Was that... was that his toolbox?

“Blitzcrank,” his voice was somewhat warning. The golem tilted it’s head to the side and blinked. Viktor pointed to the toolbox, “What is that on top of the pile?”

The golem followed his finger, staring at the toolbox for a good thirty seconds before facing Viktor again; “Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“It sure looks like something..”

A pause, “No it doesn’t.”

“It kindof looks like..” Viktor spoke slowly, giving Blitzcrank a look of ‘you should finish my sentence before I do...’.

Blitzcrank gave another trill, “A box.”

“Yes, but what kind of box?”

Another pause... “A box.”

In a sort of half-disappointed, half-amused way, Viktor sighed: “Is it my toolbox?”

Blitzcrank stared silently. Viktor stared back, one eyebrow quirked. Silence hung in the room for about a minute, the both of them frozen in place, unwilling to let themselves be shaken. They breathed slowly. Blitzcrank let out a cloud of steam as it shied away into it’s cardboard box fort, folding it’s hands and looking away.

“Yes.”

Viktor let his silence linger a little longer, still eyeing Blitzcrank with that same expression. His third arm gave a slight creak as it moved in a circle to wake up, then reached over to pat Blitzcrank on the head two times. Blitzcrank flinched.

“Good morning, Blitzcrank.”

The golem looked back, eyes bright, “Good morning!”

[perksofbeingawaifu]

the great cat caper

hey yall it’s been 50 million years. so i was looking through my old drafts (of which i have several) and found this nearly finished ficlet. it was based on this amazing and hilarious art by the very lovely and talented @magickitt . i can’t for the life of me remember why i quit writing it (maybe someone else wrote the same fic so i just dropped it?) but here it is very very late. enjoy!~

Eren didn’t know when it started. One day he went to grab a pair of undies from the crumpled clean laundry basket and pulled them on only to find them too small. He shrugged and assumed they’d shrunk in the laundry. Then it happened again a few days later. And again the day after that!

“Armin, do I look like I’m gaining weight?” he asked, checking his gut in front of a mirror.

“You? No,” Armin laughed, turning his eyes back to his term paper.

“No you’re perfect,” Mikasa said flipping through a magazine.

“What about you Titan?” he asked the cat making figure eights between his legs. “Does Daddy look different to you? Hm? I gotta start working out more.”

And he did. He got up to run every morning just as his cranky neighbor from 2B left for work (no but seriously who works that early?). And every morning just as he saw the perfectly shined shoes step outside his door, Eren darted down the stairwell, content on avoiding him. He’d never met his neighbor and had no desire to. The man was quiet except for the times when he wasn’t. He would burst into short, clipped, rage-filled sentences that ranged from threats to his roommate, “I swear to fucking god if you don’t flush the toilet I will personally grind you up and flush you down to float with my shit!” to, “SHIT ON A STICK!” to the worrisome phone conversation of, “I will fucking butcher you!”

He could also hear his neighbors discussing chemical “particles” and “reactions.” He had no doubt his neighbor was involved in pharmaceuticals of the “Breaking Bad” variety. Eren vowed to keep his head down and mind his own business.

Or rather he tried, he really did try.

“Oh no,” he said holding up a pair of skivvies that were most certainly not his.

“Hanji I swear to fucking shit, where the fuck are they?” his neighbor echoed on the other side of the thin wall. “I’m down to my last pair, I’m washing it every single day, where are you hiding them?”

“Bad Titan!” Eren hissed at his cat.

Sure, he’d noticed Titan playing with something last night. And sure, yes, he’d noticed socks and undies stuffed into his slippers or in his backpack. And the nest under the bed. But today he found a pair placed lovingly on his bath mat. Once again they didn’t fit, despite all of his recent activity. He flipped the band to see a Men’s small on the waistband. He wore a medium. At first he thought maybe Mikasa had bought him another package of briefs and simply grabbed the wrong size. But now given the ruckus on the other end of the wall, a horrible chill raced its way down his spine.

“Please, please,” he begged as he rummaged through his drawer grabbing every pair he could find. He dug into his dirty laundry, then his clean laundry, the place between his bed and the wall, under the couch and between the cushions and even behind his television.

Finally he set lay them all out in his living room, like they were all artifacts from some archeology dig.

“Oh Titan, why do you hate me? Is it the discount catfood?” Eren asked as Titan waltzed through the display purring.

As Eren dragged his hands down his face, Titan flopped over and began rolling around on his stolen goods.

What to do? What was he supposed to do in a situation like this? Give them back, right? He didn’t know which ones belonged to the man next door. Who knew who else Titan stole from? Eren didn’t know if he could be held legally responsible for something his cat did. He knew what he had to do. He was just too terrified to do it.

Summoning all of his courage, he stepped over to 2B and rapped on the door.

“You’re not the pizza guy,” his neighbor guessed astutely, pulling his gaming headphones down from his neck.

“Hah, no I’m—“

“Shut the fuck up,” he snapped into the mic.

“Uh,” Eren froze.

“Sorry, them, not you,” he indicated his headphones. Then there was a warble of noise on the other end and his face twitched. “No Oluo is not fucking tanking. Erwin is our main Tank and Mike is—no you don’t get to heal either not if you’re gonna piss and moan like you did last time when you didn’t get the roll. Now shut up I’m afk.”

He hit the mute button on the side and shook his head in annoyance.

“Sorry, my guild is a bunch of chodenuggets, what’s up? You locked out?”

“No I—you see—“

“Man our pizza is really late, Hanji, you called them right?” he called back to the other gamer hunched over their desk. “We’re kindof in the middle of something, so what do you need?”

Hi, I’m Eren and I live next door. You wouldn’t happen to be missing a pair of boxers or briefs would you? Because I think my cat may have stolen them.

At least that’s what he had planned on saying, but he was so frazzled that all he managed to get out was, “Boxers or briefs?”

The man finally gave Eren his full attention, snapping his neck to assess him with those cool grey eyes of his.

“What did you say to me?”

“I—I—“ Eren stammered.

“You some kind of pervert?” he asked, taking a step out of the hallway.

“No?” Eren winced putting his hands up in surrender.

“Levi hurry up! Erwin says if you’re not back, we’re going without you.”

“Look, I don’t know what frathouse bullshit this is but—“ Levi said taking another step forward.

“Cat!” Eren blurted out, crossing his hands over his face. “M-my cat!”

“What?”

“Okay, Oluo rushed in and we wiped, so that’s done for now, what’s going on?” Hanji came over.

“This little punk is harassing me,” Levi said, rolling his very thick shoulders.

“I think my cat has been stealing your underwear!” Eren shouted.

“…What?” Levi stopped short, confusion spreading over his face.

“I mean, you’re missing underwear right? I think my cat has been stealing them. Just…come see?”

A minute later Levi and Hanji examined the carnage that was Eren’s living room.

“Oh my god,” Levi said surveying the scene.

“Sorry I don’t know which ones are yours,” Eren said stepping over Titan and picking a few up off the floor. “I also have no idea who these lacey panties belong—”

“I—here, give me those,” Levi said, snatching the lacey boyshorts out of his hands. “They’re uh, probably my cousin Isabel’s from when she visited.”

Hanji snorted and Levi stilled them with a look.

“So yeah, I’m guessing yours are just the Men’s small and Boy’s XL here,” Eren pointed.

“Okay, well,” Levi said, flushing up to his roots, panties sticking out of his jean pockets. “Just the small are mine.”

“Oh, so not these dinosaur ones because—“

“Pfft no.”

“Because you wrote Levi on the waistband in sharpie.”

Levi winced and also took the Batman Y-fronts.

“Yeah sorry it took me so long to notice he was taking them,” Eren said stepping over the mess. “I kept pulling on pairs I found around the apartment and when they didn’t fit—“

“You wore them?” Levi cried, his lip curled in disgust.

“Y-yes, but I washed them!”

“Oh!” Levi groaned and spun on the spot. “That’s great, that’s fucking great! You wore them getting your skidmarks all over them!”

“Excuse me? I didn’t get any skidmarks on them! Any streaks you see are yours and yours alone!”

Levi gasped, offended. “You know what you are?” he said dangerously. “You’re a dirty pervert panty sniffer. I don’t think your cat stole these, I think you stole these!”

“You think—“ Eren sputtered in protest.

“Yeah, I think you’re the kind of guy who gets off to stolen underwear from the laundry room—“ Levi jabbed his finger into Eren’s chest.

“At least I don’t have three different pairs of Strawberry Shortcake panties!” Eren shot back.

“Boys—boys—“ Hanji said stepping between them. “I know how we can settle this.”

“Yeah me too,” Levi flexed his biceps. “Oh wait—no not that again, Hanji!”

Hanji’s idea proved to be a GoPro that they fitted to Titan’s collar. Levi agreed to hold off on pummeling Eren’s face until they had heard his case and verified his claims.

“Now…we wait,” Hanji said, scratching behind Titan’s ears.

A full 48 hours later they sat in front of Hanji’s computer, Eren a little nervous and Titan rolling about in Levi’s lap no many how many times he shoved him off.

They watched the video in tense silence. There was Hanji putting on the GoPro…there was Eren escorting a naughty Titan back to his apartment…then…nothing. Titan did nothing but sleep all night.

“I thought cats were nocturnal?” Levi asked, as Titan attempted to scale his shoulder.

“Oh no, Titan sleeps like the dead until…yup, there.”

5:35AM, a good twenty-five minutes before Eren’s alarm was due to go off, Titan woke up and began pawing at his face.

Eren watched as he tossed and turned in the bed, Titan smacking him repetitively until Eren stumbled to his feet, scratching at his ass, Titan weaving in between his legs. The camera shook suddenly as a sleepy Eren tripped over the cat and fell hard.

“Okay we can fast forward through this, please?” Eren asked, putting a hand over his eyes.

Levi snorted at Eren’s expense.

Then Titan ate his food happily for a good ten minutes. He spent another twenty minutes licking his ass. Hanji tapped the fast forward button again to zip through.

“Wait what was that?” Levi pointed.

“NO!” Eren said, diving for the controls but Hanji held their keyboard above both of them, slowing it down.

Titan always sat on Eren’s bathmat and waited for him to finish with his shower. Eren stepped out of the shower and then realized that GoPro was aimed right between his legs and collapsed again, grabbing a towel and lunging at Titan.

Both Hanji and Levi tilted their heads to watch the Eren on-screen struggle to cover himself.

“Get out of here!” past-Eren hissed at the cat as present-Eren put both hands over his eyes. “You’re peeping on me you pervert cat! Aw, I’m sorry. No, don’t lick me. Stop it that tickles. Look how fierce you are. I didn’t mean to scare you. Okay now no more spying on me while I’m naked. We don’t want Mr. Grumpy Pants with the Cute Ass next door to see me naked, do we? No we don’t. No we don’t!”

Levi turned and looked at Eren.

“I did not realize it had sound,” Eren choked out in a pained voice.

“Clearly,” Levi said, now looking amused at the situation.

They watched Titan run around the apartment, playing with his toys, grooming, napping. Hanji yawned, tapping on the fast forward button as Titan slept most of the afternoon. Levi shifted in boredom, Eren opened his water bottle and took several long sips. He looked around the room and realized that all the times he had thought his neighbors were drug dealers, they were instead grad students with piles and piles of Hanji’s notes on biochem scattered throughout their desk and Levi’s neatly shelved text books.

Then…

“He’s up, he’s moving! Take it back!” Eren said, slapping Hanji’s chair.

He couldn’t help but be a little excited, here it was, proof that Titan was stealing the undergarments and not Eren!

Hanji took it back right before Titan moved. He suddenly perked up his head as if he heard something. Then ran to the bathroom, stood on his hind legs and managed to flip the switch to the bathroom window.

“…HOW?” Eren asked in awe.

“You are such a little pest,” Levi said, scruffing Titan who only purred in his lap.

Then he carefully padded around the corner, dropped down into the courtyard, hot on Levi’s heels as he parked his motorcycle.

“No…” Levi said as he watched Titan stalked behind him. “I don’t believe this.”

Titan followed Levi up the stairs, ducking behind the staircase as he watched Levi open the door to his apartment.

“There he’s gonna—oh…” Eren said in disappointment. “I thought he’d get in your apartment just then.”

Titan waited and then a few short minutes later, Levi stepped out with his laundry basket in hand.

“Watch watch watch,” Hanji said, smacking them both with their arms.

“Okay! Knock it off!” Levi said, warding off their flailing limbs.

Titan snuck downstairs and watched Levi as he put quarters in the machine.

“Man, he knows your routine,” Hanji said, spewing popcorn all over their desk.

“This is like a scene from one of those serial killer movies,” Levi said.

And yet, Titan waited as Levi washed his laundry, then dried it, then folded it. And never made a move. Instead he left through the open basement window and went over to see the fancy Persian nextdoor. They purred and groomed each other. No undie stealing. No nothing.

“You tried to pin it on your cat!” Levi said, turning on Eren. “Look, he had every chance there and he didn’t!”

“I didn’t do it! Just wait! We’re still on the first day, right Hanji?”

“Yeah but I didn’t do my laundry yesterday,” Levi said, standing up and despite his size towered over Eren.

“Ooh there he goes again,” Hanji said pointing.

Titan left his Persian friend, hopping up onto the brick ledge before leaping up to the second floor windows. He lurked, watching Levi dusting his action figures. He took special care to polish the backside of his Kaworu figure.

“Perfect,” Levi said on camera, giving his own backside a smack.

“Oh god,” Levi in his chair said, putting his fingers to his pinched brow as Eren turned to look around at his shelf of figurines.

“You have a lot of anime characters,” Eren pointed out.

And he dutifully dusted every single one daily as Titan’s sneaky camera documented.

“How…how much more is there?” Eren asked. “I’m wondering when you’re going to start singing to your broom here.”

“Oh he always busts out Nicki Minaj for that,” Hanji informed him. “There it is!”

Now that it was Levi’s turn to be humiliated, he slunk down in his chair. Hanji’s laughter was infectious and Eren laughed along with them—that was until Titan’s hidden camera caught Hanji eating popcorn that had been in the trash.

“…Is that the same bag?” Levi asked, looking from the screen to the bag in Hanji’s hands.

When Hanji took a little long to answer, they both groaned.

“It’s still good!”

“Why are you two even roommates?” Eren asked, a grin still on his face.

“Not for long, I’m moving in with Moblit who isn’t such a clean freak,” Hanji huffed.

“Or he’s just another slob who doesn’t mind you leaving unopened yogurt on your desk for two weeks.”

“Ah yeah, my best friend is moving in with his boyfriend so I’m out a roommate soon as well,” Eren sighed.

Levi’s eyes swept over Eren appraisingly. “When is your lease up?”

“Two months but—“

Levi on screen placed his clothes neatly in their drawers and then left for his computer. Titan ducked in Hanji’s open bedroom window and then raced around the corner into Levi’s room, leaping onto his dresser, wedging a paw in the draw and pulling it open.

“HOW? This cat is better than the entire cast of Ocean’s 11!” Levi said, mouth open.

Grabbing several pairs in his mouth, he raced back to Eren’s room, dumped his loot under the bed and then crawled on top of it purring madly.

“WHY?” Eren asked. “I adopted him from a shelter when he was a kitten, where did he learn this?”

“Maybe he likes the detergent?” Hanji asked.

“Tide with Febreeze?” Levi wrinkled his nose.

“Ooh Mr. Fancy with his fancy laundry detergent,” Hanji grumbled. “We’ve been over this by the way. You can just make your own soap! It’s just Borax and baking soda.”

“Except you never actually make your own soap—“

“Did he tell you he weighs the soap every day—“

“Because you use mine and pour water back in and think I won’t notice!”

Eren coughed into his hand politely. “This still isn’t helping me with my cat.”

“Maybe you just smell good to the cat,” Hanji suggested, leaning over and sniffing Levi.

Titan who had fallen asleep in Levi’s lap clearly liked being there.

Eren leaned over to do the same and inhaled deeply. “Yeah but how different can you smell compared to—“

He stopped and sat up, flushing a little. “Okay well sorry to bother you. And sorry for this little turd nugget. I will keep an eye out and do more to secure the apartment so he doesn’t get out again.”

Eren held out his hands to accept Titan from Levi. Levi looked reluctantly at the sleeping cat in his lap before carefully scooping him into Eren’s arms.

“Bye you little shit,” Levi said, rubbing Titan’s temples. Then in a whisper, “And quit being an asshole to your owner.”

Titan only purred in response.

“And, uh,” Levi cleared his throat. “Let me know how the roommate search goes. I’m just trying to find someone who isn’t a complete slob.”

“I mean…I’m like a normal level of slob,” Eren said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Nah, I saw your apartment on the—video thing. It looks like you actually know that food belongs in the fridge and not in your bed.” Levi leaned on the doorway in his sleeveless muscle tank and Eren felt his heart flutter.

“You looked at my bed,” Eren repeated.

“What?”

“BYE!” Eren said, realizing what he’d said and running down the hallway with a startled Titan. He slammed the door behind him and slapped his forehead. “Stupid!”

“Fucking weirdo,” Levi said, shutting the door behind him.

<*>

“Hanji, I love you, I do,” Moblit said on the phone, “but I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Moblit, first of all, do you want Levi to move in with us?”

“God no.”

“Secondly, it is nearly Valentine’s Day. I am merely playing Cupid,” Hanji said, crowing to themself as they tossed all of Levi’s underwear drawer into the garbage.

“Hanji—it’s not going to work like you think it will. Don’t meddle okay? Please?”

“I would never meddle. Ever. I am simply performing an experiment,” Hanji reassured him in a voice that was anything but reassuring, sliding the drawer back into place on Levi’s dresser.

Levi stepped out of the shower just as Hanji finished.

“What the…goddamnit! Eren!” Levi pounded on the thing wall. “Your stupid cat stole all my underwear again!”

Levi walked all the way down the hallway in a towel and banged on Eren’s door, except he forgot what he was going to say when Eren opened it.

“I’m naked,” Levi told him stupidly.

“I can see that,” Eren said.

“It’s your fault,” Levi said, finding it hard to get the words out now that he was looking up at Eren’s green eyes.

“We should do something about that,” Eren said, just as idiotically back.

“Yes,” Levi agreed, allowing himself to be led into Eren’s apartment.

When he came back it was a full three hours later and wearing a pair of Eren’s sweats and shirt.

“It totally worked,” Hanji said into their mic as Levi wandered over to his desk.

“What? Really? Did you remember to take the garbage out?” Moblit asked.

“Pfft no, why would I? Levi always does it.”

“Hanji…” Moblit sighed.

“WHY IS ALL OF MY UNDERWEAR IN THE GARBAGE? HANJI!!”