#my cousin and her boyfriend cook vegetarian the way I do. it's just how the meal is and it's very casual

[blueeyedgeorgie]

Makeup With Y/N-A.E

“can you please do a part two to makeup where instead of Alex doing reader's makeup it's the other way round?” @soldier-42​

Gif cred. @sdmngifs​

Pairing: ImAllexx x Reader

Word Count: 1.9k+

Pronouns: She/Her

_________________

"Hello everyone, I'm Alex, and this is Y/n." Makeup had been laid out on the coffee table in front of them. Alex and Y/n had been planning a second video involving makeup after the first one had done so well. "Because you all love Y/n more than me, I brought her back for part two where they do my makeup instead," Alex smiled at the camera set up across the room. "How'd I do last time, Y/n?" "You did okay, I feel like you'd definitely need to learn a couple of tips to improve with." His girlfriend grinned, already beginning to look through the makeup set out on the table, "Can I get started yet?" "Yeah, of course," he smiled. "While you get started on that, I'm gonna open up Twitter. I actually tweeted out for people to send in a couple of questions for us." "Good idea," Y/n picked up a cylinder tube, pulling the cap off. For a moment they let a bit of clear liquid leave the top of it before turning back to Alex. "Is that... primer?" Alex bit his lip, watching as his girlfriend move his hair out of his face. Y/n gave a small 'yep' as a response, beginning to put on the first part of Alex's makeup. "See, I'm working on learning this stuff." "Good job, bubba," his girlfriend pulled away, beginning to look at more containers of makeup placed out on the table. "I'm proud of you, but are you gonna read any questions?" "Oh yeah, let me get started on that," he went back to opening Twitter, leaving Y/n be for a moment so she could decide on which foundation would work well for him. For a moment or two, he scrolled. The sound of Y/n humming softly kept the silence away as both of them took a moment to finish their tasks. After picking out the right foundation, Y/n turned back to her boyfriend with a bit of the pale liquid placed on her hand and a blender in hand. "While you do that, I think I found a good question," Alex looked back up at Y/n, allowing her to begin to put the coat of foundation on his skin. "What's my favorite food?" "You enjoy breakfast, but you also like pasta," She smiled, patting in the makeup. "I've made both of those meals for you plenty of times." "God, you're an amazing cook," he smiled softly, watching her as she focused. "Could we have pasta tonight?" "Of course, Bubba. But what about me? What's my favorite food?" "you don't have a favorite, every time I think I know what's your favorite food you change it. First it was Chinese food, then you went to salads, afterward was acai bowls, and I think the last time I asked you said mangos." "Yeah, there's no point in lying. I change my favorite food too often," Y/n giggled, taking a moment to place the blender back down. "I think right now it's Vegetarian pizza." "That actually doesn't sound too terrible," Alex took a moment to glance at the camera before looking back to Y/n. "Do you think we could have that tonight instead of pasta?" "Yeah, sure bubba," she replied while picking up some concealer. "How do have such good skin, Al?" "I don't know. I wash my face in the shower, toss some cold water on my face every now and then, it's not really that complicated for me." "Well it's not fair," Letting out a huff of air, Y/n applied the concealer to Alex's face. "Actually, maybe it is with the bags under your eyes." She turned to the camera, pausing what she was doing. "Guys, this boy stays up so late. One night he called me at like, 2 AM and asked me if I wanted to go out to McDonald's with him... of course, I said yes." "I remember that night, I think it was one of my favorite moments with you," he let out a soft chuckle. He could remember giving Y/n one of his hoodies that night. As Y/n started with bronzer, someone had walked into the living room. "Oh, are we doing Alex's makeup this time? Could I join this video?" George grinned, stepping behind the camera so he couldn't be seen. "No George." "Why?" "Remember the last time you did Alex's makeup?" "Yeah, and he looked beautiful," George let out a small giggle as he thought about what Alex looked like when he tried to apply makeup to his face. "Don't you think he looked good, Y/n?" "Alex always looks good, but the fact you used a foundation brush to apply eyeshadow to his face tells me I shouldn't trust you with his makeup," Y/n had turned back to Alex, continuing to work on his bronzer. "If you actually wanna do his makeup, you can film a video with him later. I don't want you to mess up this makeup look I'm planning." "Guys, George is pouting behind the camera," Alex glanced to his roommate, who was making a fake pouting face as Y/n worked. "Go away, George!" There was a moment of silence as Y/n worked on Alex's highlighter, ignoring the existence of Alex's flatmate as she worked. Eventually, George disappeared back into his bedroom once he had received a text message from someone. "He's gone." "Thank god, I love Georgie but sometimes he can just get on my nerves so easily," y/n let out a huff of breath as she swapped the highlighter out for blush and a different brush. "Yeah, anyway I'm gonna get back to looking for more questions," Alex hummed softly, opening his phone back up. "Move too much and I'll mess up your makeup on purpose," Y/n began to work on placing the rosy powder against her boyfriend's cheekbones. "Don't worry about it," he replied while beginning to scroll through the plenty of replies he received over the blue app. "What is Y/n's go-to Starbucks order?" "I really like a nice iced latte with coconut milk," she smiled, taking a moment to admire the work she had done so far on Alex's face. "you enjoy their cappuccinos, don't you?" "you know it," Alex let out a soft chuckle, watching his girlfriend. The way she always looked at him always made him feel so happy. "God, I love you." "I love you more," Y/n grinned, leaning in for a kiss. during the sweet moment, everything around them seemed to disappear as their lips were connected. Even after pulling away from each other, both of them held a smile on their face. "Anyways, I think we should get started on your eyeshadow." The h/c girl picked up a palette that had been laid out on the coffee table with the rest of the makeup, flashing it to the camera. "Since we used your palette in the last video, I thought we could use one of mine this time. I just chose James Charles's palette because why not?" While opening the palette, Y/n muttered a few extra words, "Shane and Jeffree are also incredibly problematic and I refuse to support them." "Tempted to throw that palette out the window as soon as we're finished with this video," Alex closed his eyes, waiting for Y/n to apply the eyeshadow. "If you actually do that, we need to film that," Y/n let out a giggle. "For your eyeshadow, I think we should go for a classic pink look. So I think I'm gonna use 'skip' first, then add on a bit of 'pinkity drinkity' and 'literally' afterward." "Who let James name his eyeshadows?" Alex let out a sigh, peaking one of his eyes open to look at Y/n while she applied 'skip' to his left eyelid. "I'm not sure, Bubba. Maybe you could ask him yourself," she shook her head as she pulled the eyeshadow brush away, going to collect more of the warm color known as 'skip.' "Close both of your eyes, please." A moment of silence passed as Y/n worked on Alex's eyeshadow, meanwhile his hand found its way to her thigh as she worked. Eventually, Y/n told Alex he could open his eyes as she put the palette back down on the table. "Jesus, Y/n... I don't know how you're so good with makeup," Alex took a second to admire himself in the mirror placed on the coffee table with the rest of the makeup. "Years of practice, bubba," she turned back to her boyfriend, a new item in hand. "Time for eyeliner." "Oh god... promise not to get it in my eye?" "Relax, Al. I've had to deal with teaching my 12 year old cousin not to flinch while I taught them how to use eyeliner properly. I think I can handle not getting it in your eyes." Y/n inched closer to her boyfriend, placing a leg over his lap to get closer to him. She carefully placed her thumb on one of his temple's bringing the eyeliner down against his eyelid. Gently, she worked on perfecting both wings on him while mumbling, soft 'good job, bubba,' and 'you're doing amazing.' Once she was happy with the final result, Y/n pulled away from Alex, letting him see himself in the mirror. "How are you feeling about fake eyelashes?" "No." "No?" "No, Y/n." "Fine," she let out a huff of breath once more, placing the eyeliner on the table. "Are you done with everything?" Alex looked to Y/n with a small smile, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Yeah, I think so," she smiled, leaning against Alex's chest while looking down into the mirror at Alex. "You forgot lipstick or gloss or something." "Fuck! That's no fair! Lemme put some on you!" Y/n snatched a tube of lipstick up from the coffee table, going to try and put it on her boyfriend's lips. "No, you didn't let me finish putting makeup on your face, I'm not gonna let you finish yours," Alex moved her hands away from his face with a smirk. "You know what? Fuck it," Y/n turned to the mirror, beginning to place the lipstick on her own lips. As soon as enough was applied, she turned back to Alex, cupping his cheeks with her hands and pulling him in for a passionate kiss. After a moment, she pulled away, "Did it work? Did you get at least a tint of color on your lips?" Alex turned, looking into the mirror to check, "I think I might have gotten a bit on me." "Yes!" Y/n let out a giggle, grinning at the camera, "I win!" As Alex wrapped an arm around Y/n's waist once again, he playfully rolled his eyes before looking back to the camera. "Alright, I think that brings our second makeup video to an end," he quickly placed a kiss on Y/n's forehead before continuing the outro. "Y/n's social medias will be plugged in the description below and the makeup she used too. Thank you everybody for watching this video, If you guys did enjoy and would like to see more videos with Y/n, leave a like-" "And subscribe if you're new!" Y/n chirped in with a smile. Alex's smile only grew wider as he heard his girlfriend help with the outro. "And we'll see you guys in the next one, have a good day." And just like that, the recording had come to an end.

Taglist: @anyasthoughts @multifandom-but @blondiee-seaveyy @springholland @caswinchester2000

[polar-stars]

(Lea’s) Shokugeki Next Gen - Masterpost Version 2

I’m bored and achieved nothing today, I need to do at least one productive thing

A quick run-down of my Next Gen kids, because why not? If anyone asks me about them I can point to it ;w; It won’t be the most informative post ever but it’s really just a simple introduction. In case it sparks your interest, feel free to inquire about these kids.

I also have a tag on my blog that’s dedicated to them -> https://polar-stars.tumblr.com/tagged/Shokugeki-no-Kimiko-Stuffz

As well as an entire fanfic, which is still in the starters (It will be long. Be very afraid honestly, because I, for the most part, have no idea what I am doing) -> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11912834/1/Shokugeki-no-Kimiko

Also: There might be some unusual ships in here. I’m sorry if your fave ship doesn’t happen to be included. It really comes down to personal preference ovo;; But please be respecting! I am as well. 

Anyways, let’s get into this:

115th Generation (the Prime-Focus)

Kimiko Yukihira

DoB: 27th of June I Daughter of Soma Yukihira and Erina Nakiri | Loves Playing Cards & Grocery Shopping | Dislikes Materialism & Being Called “Kimiko-Sama”

An friendly and optimistic young aspiring chef entering Totsuki as a transfer student in her first year of highschool. Was taught the so-called Yukihira-Style and is therefore known for her creativity. Greatest aim is to create a dish in which her mom can find no fault in. 

Hiroshi Aldini-Tadokoro

DoB: 25th of May I Son of Isami Aldini and Megumi Tadokoro | Loves Plushies & Fishing | Dislikes Cigarette Smoke & Dark Humor

A shy but practically angelic guy from Tohoku. Looks out for others a lot, which also shows in his cooking. Very well-versed in both Japanese cooking as well as Italian cooking. Often falls into the shadow of his much bolder cousin, but doesn’t make any attempts to get out of said shadow.

Kaori Hayama

DoB: 17th of February I Daughter of Akira Hayama and Hisako Arato | Loves Gardening & Pastel Colors | Dislikes Mess & Snails

The current valedictorian of the 115th Generation, who more than often gets a sort of nobility attributed to her by the rest of the students. Known as the “Gatekeeper to the Fountain of Eternal Youth” or “Youth Preserver” for short, as her medicinal cooking is famous for energizing it’s customers. Has her goal firmly set on the top of Totsuki and has no interest in socializing whatsoever.

Mika Aldini

DoB: 9th of August I Daughter of Takumi Aldini and Ikumi Mito | Loves Dancing & Romance Movies | Dislikes Rain & Gardening

A fiery, bold girl from Tuscany, who appeared in Totsuki as a transfer student in her second year of middle school. Specialised in Italian Food as well as the usage of Meat. Up to any kind off challenge thrown her way.

Lola Nakiri

DoB: 17th of November I Daughter of Ryo Kurokiba and Alice Nakiri | Loves  Limousines & Heavy Metal | Dislikes The Color Pink & Being Bored

The daughter of the headmistress who’s certain she can do whatever she wants. Well-versed in the usage of Seafood and utilization of Molecular Gastronomy, but known for putting more focus on the Seafood-aspect of her dishes. Teases everyone and anyone with no mercy.

Mona Nakiri

DoB: 17th of November I Daughter of Ryo Kurokiba and Alice Nakiri | Loves  Techno Music & RomComs | Dislikes Hot Weather & Rap/HipHop

The other daughter of the headmistress who’s much more quieter and reserved than her twin-sister. Known for making use of seafood fairly well, but her true passion lies in Molecular Gastronomy. Just wants friends but is actually very socially awkward.

Takayuki Hojo

DoB: 6th of September I Son of Terunori Kuga and Miyoko Hojo | Loves Fireworks & Pudding | Dislikes Operas & Complete Silence

The grouchy, easy-to-trigger little brother of the president of the Chinese RS. Being part of the RS himself, Takayuki also specializes in Chinese cuisine mainly having his focus on Sichuan Food. Absolutely hates commentary on his shortness. 

Kazuo Mimasaka

DoB: 9th of March I Son of Subaru Mimasaka and Nao Sadatsuka | Loves Every Romance Cliche Out There & His Camera  | Dislikes Mika’s Fanclub & Aggressive Dogs Barking

A very eccentric member of the 115th Generation who easily scares people with his mere presence. Truth be told, he’s completely harmless. Traces other people’s work but adds his personal spin on it by working in foul-smelling ingredients. Has a massive crush on Mika Aldini and is a hopeless romantic. 

Yasu Ibusaki

DoB: 2nd of March I Son of Shun Ibusaki and Ryoko Sakaki | Loves Forest Walks & Adzuki Bean Paste | Dislikes Gossiping & Tight Clothes

A peaceful and friendly young man, whose gentleness often gives off a big-brother-vibe to many. Knows a lot about Fermenting and produces his own Sake, I mean Rice Juice. His true passion is in the art of smoking however. Much more competitive than he lets on. 

Chieko Marui

DoB: 5th of December I Daughter of Zenji Marui and Yuki Yoshino | Loves  Chess & Matcha | Dislikes Metal Music & Irresponsibility

A highly intelligent girl and the ace of the Enomoto-Seminar that focuses on literacy-research about cooking. Incorporates said research excellently into her dishes while additionally having a talent for Wild Game, even taking interest in breeding. Known fairly well for loud complains and long rants, usually referring to her dormmates. 

Hideyoshi Kawashima

DoB: 19th of August I Son of Shoji Sato and Urara Kawashima | Loves Himself & Parties (in Chieko’s room)  | Dislikes Broken Mirrors & Studying

The overly arrogant emcee who’s known to host a bunch of events on Totsuki. Through and through an attention-whore who does has a fair share of admires though, being honest. Spends all of this time where he is not loudly praising himself with bickering either with Daisuke or Chieko.

Daisuke Aoki

DoB: 26th of October I Son of Daigo Aoki and Yua Sasaki | Loves Retro Stuff (mostly 70s and 80s) & His Guitar  | Dislikes Horror Movies & Dangerous Animals

A soft-spoken and shy emcee who hosts Shokugekis and other sort off events on Totsuki. Much more friendly than his childhood-friend Hideyoshi, but overlooked regardless most of the time. Bickers a ton with Hideyoshi.

Emi Kusunoki

DoB: 25th of July I Daughter of Rentaro Kusunoki & Mea Yanai | Loves Saunas & The Smell of Gasoline  | Dislikes Still Being Without a Boyfriend & Libraries

An often brash young girl who’s also known as the major Gossip Girl on Totsuki, that loves to hear and share all kinds of rumors around. Specializes in Heating. Wishes for a boyfriend with a motorcycle.

Itsuki Kumai

DoB: 10th of March I Son of Shigemichi Kumai and Rui Kofuru | Loves Self-Deprecative Humor & Edgy Rock Bands  | Dislikes Colorful Clothes & Phone Ringing

Very silent but also awfully pessimistic. Itsuki has a large talents with vegetables and herbs, as he tries to cook as vegetarian as Totsuki’s tasks allow him to. Additionally he has large knowledge around the cuisine of North-Africa. Forgot how to smile long ago. 

114th Generation (The 2nd Years who constantly argue for the most part)

Hiraku Yukihira

DoB: 13th of April I Son of Soma Yukihira and Erina Nakiri | Loves All Thing Decadent & Squid | Dislikes Laundry & Elite 10 Paperwork

Ever since entering Totsuki as a transfer student a year ago, Hiraku quickly worked himself upwards as one of the most, if not the most, admired chef of the school. His sensitive sense of taste, the so-called “Tongue Blessed by Angels” or “Holy Tongue” for short gives him a great advantage at cooking. He’s awfully unorganized however and much of a dense airhead.

Akio Hayama

DoB: 26th of February I Son of Akira Hayama and Hisako Arato | Loves Clipboards & Traveling to the Middle East  | Dislikes Stains & Organizing Hiraku’s Fanmail

Hiraku’s loyal and diligent secretary, who does not seem to mind just how chaotic Hiraku can be sometimes. Inherited his father’s sense of smell and is therefore outstandingly talented in the usage of spices and creating fragrant dishes. Very friendly but also easily nervous. 

Suzume Hojo

DoB: 11th of April I Daughter of Terunori Kuga and Miyoko Hojo | Loves  Memes & Fans | Dislikes Sitting Still & Sexism

The bouncy, energetic president of the Chinese RS. Therefore of course specializes in Chinese Cuisine. Much of a laid-back jokester but does look out for the younger students and takes certain matters fairly serious. Shouldn’t be underestimated. 

Shigeo Eizan

DoB: 29th of November I Son of Etsuya Eizan and Nene Kinokuni | Loves His Smartphone & Jazz Music | Dislikes Slow or No Internet & Suzume’s Jokes

A materialistic, cold-hearted young man who’s already involved in consulting-work despite the young age. His cooking relies on his intensive knowledge on the chemical components in his ingredients and how to utilize them. Is incredibly intelligent and fairly good at tricking people into trusting him. 

Ai Kabutoyama

DoB: 25th of January | Daughter of Tetsuji Kabutoyama | Loves Violin Music & Butterflies | Dislikes Loud Noises & Movies Without A Happy Ending

A very silent and distant young girl, who barely ever talks to anyone but wears an almost constant miserable expression. Specialized in utilizing Skewers. Friendly but insanely Short-Cut whenever she does speak.

Beatrice Shiratsu 

DoB: 9th of July I Daughter of Julio Shiratsu | Loves Posing & Making Lists | Dislikes Video Games & Bad DJs

A girl that can often be rather extravagant but all-things-considered she’s very open and rather sweet. Specializes in Italian Cuisine. Loves partying and is very occupied with savoring the life of a teenager as long as she can.

113th Generation (The Third Years, where most of the classmates have been removed already)

Noboru Shinomiya

DoB: 29th of April I Son of Kojiro Shinomiya and Hinako Inui | Loves Painting Landscapes & Autumn | Dislikes Unreliableness & Getting Bothered on his Day-Offs

Noboru is a serious young man who values organization, structure and a good environment. Gets easily annoyed when such things are not provided. Shows great talent in both Japanese cuisine and French cuisine and feels greatly torn between the two. Wants relaxation. 

Kiyoko Saito

DoB: 21st of February I Daughter of Somei Saito and Momo Akanegakubo | Loves Shopping & Kimonos | Dislikes Untidiness & Disrespect from younger Students

Kiyoko is a proper but spoiled young lady who’s friendly as long as she receives the respect she thinks she deserves. She’s specialized in Japanese Sweets, but does know how to make Western desserts as well plus Sushi of course. Very fashionable and has a booming Instagram. 

Masashi Eizan

DoB: 13th of May I Son of Etsuya Eizan and Nene Kinokuni | Loves Classical Japanese Music & Kiyoko’s Daifuku | Dislikes Everything He Considers Indecent & Being told to rely too much on his Father and his little Brother Shigeo

Masashi is overly serious and strongly values rules and customs. Considers himself superior than practically everyone on Totsuki, save for Noboru and Kiyoko. Specializes in Traditional Japanese Cuisine and is known for an extraordinary talent with Soba. Has a very short temper. 

Ran Mimasaka

DoB: 1st of June I Daughter of Subaru Mimasaka | Loves Her Motorcycle & Her Laptop | Dislikes Bullying & Not Being Active For Too Long

Ran is a calm, friendly girl but also slightly witty young woman. She utilizes foul-smelling ingredients for her dishes. Ran is also often perceived to be the “most normal” one of the Mimasaka-sibling. In actuality, she’s excellent at fishing and gaining information and is incredibly informed about basically every person walking Totsuki. 

116th (The 3rd Years of Middle School)

Moe Saito

DoB: 20th of December I Daughter of Somei Saito and Momo Akanegakubo | Loves Balletts & Bears (primarily Pandas) | Dislikes People She Doesn't Know Touching Her Ribbon & Ripped Jeans

Moe is very stoic and barely ever truly emotes. Should she ever actually smile, its a sign of her being beyond happy. She’s a Sushi-Chef whose main gimmick it is to make the Sushi as cute as possible. Also has a great talent for Bentos and while it’s not her main focus, she does know how to make desserts. Speaks dryly but also very bluntly. 

118th (The 1st Years of Middle School)

Kei Eizan

DoB: 5th of July I Son of Etsuya Eizan & Nene Kinokuni | Loves Video Games & Tigers | Dislikes Ties & The Scent of Coffee 

Kei often has troubles with making a good first impressions as he’s rather grouchy or even aggressive at points and also makes usage of a very foul language. Not to mention the reputation attached to his surname. He does have a good heart however and an actual sense for justice, which shows in his friendship with the frequently bullied Ayano Mimasaka who he befriends and would protect at all costs. 

Ayano Mimasaka

DoB: 30th of October I Daughter of Subaru Mimasaka & Nao Sadatsuka | Loves Lewis Carroll’s “Alice In Wonderland” & Sewing | Dislikes People Pulling her Braids & Physics Class

Ayano is a fairly eccentric but innocent, little girl who just happens to have a number of a bit more outlandish interests as well as a creepy laugh and the tendency to pop out of nowhere. She got heavily bullied in her life already just because many consider her weird and scary. 

Not on Totsuki (because they’re too young yet)

Nino and Maja Aldini-Tadokoro (Twin-children of Isami and Megumi, little siblings of Hiroshi, Future part of the 119th Generation)

Takahiro Marui (Son of Zenji and Yuki, little brother of Chieko, Future part of the 119th Generation)

Kasumi Ibusaki (Daughter of Shun and Ryoko, little sister of Yasu, Future part of the 120th Generation)

Yoshiko Saito (Daughter of Somei and Momo, little sister of Kiyoko and Moe, Future part of the 120th Generation)

Not on Totsuki (for reasons I can’t get into now because it would be Spoilers for the Fanfic)

Yuu Tsukasa (left), Shouhei Tsukasa (right) and Tsubame Tsukasa (middle) - Children of Eishi Tsukasa and Rindou Kobayashi

-

Thank you for listening ;w; !

It’s still not complete...haha but we’re getting somewhere

[onbeingdivine-blog]

Life Story - Written for a Course

I was born in a tiny place called Ardvary on the west coast of Ireland. My parents were total dreamers, and built a house with the ambition of living off the land. My earliest memories were quite idyllic. We were a vegetarian family (unheard of) whom lived within the company of animals, even chickens and goats. Both my parents were home in my early years, and I was incredibly close to them. My dad worked from a garden shed making children’s toys and I wouldn’t let him leave me in playgroup. I remember money being a constant issue though - dole queues, phone being constantly cut off etc.  I also remember my mum crying, and suffering badly from asthma. The environment was isolated, damp, and sometimes the air was so thick with midges we couldn’t go out.

I remember talk of moving to England was in the most optimistic tone - I would have new school shoes in England, I would learn how to ride a horse in England etc. My mum was 6 months pregnant when we eventually moved over. My sister was two. We had two dogs and two puppies. My dad had to drown a litter our dog Tess had suddenly given birth to just before leaving.

We moved over when I was 5, and lived in a number of places over the course of a year; mostly my nan, two of my mum’s sisters, my dad’s best friend’s brother in law, and finally with my mum’s old work colleague. We weren’t wanted anywhere we stayed. I remember my aunt hostilely criticising my mum over how she organised our family’s stuff in the fridge just after my sister was born. My nan hated my dad, and wouldn’t allow him to nurse my baby sister. At my aunt’s I lived alongside a cousin, and at my mum’s old colleagues house a girl called Jane, both of whom were the same age as me. They hated our family staying in their home, and I took the flack through a rolling the tide of being befriended and ignored.

I started school while still living with Jane although she was in another class. In my class, I remember being instantly disliked. There were Irish, vegetarian references, the fact that I was poor etc. I think I was a kind of trampy looking kid. I was mortally ashamed of unpopularity, and felt Jane had been proved right. I managed to bribe my school bully into not harassing me, and we became a friendship in which bullying continued up until secondary school. I was terrified of everyone and everything at primary school, and couldn’t walk into a room without blushing.

In parallel with an unhappy school life, our family circumstances declined. We moved into a small flat locally. My sisters and I shared a room, and my parents slept on a sofa bed in the sitting room. My father became an incredibly angry man. Rows often involved us being cornered and screamed at. I would hear him harassing my mum at night for sex she was unwilling to give. My mum bottled everything up, but had routine outbursts that “once Ciara (my youngest) was 18”, she didn’t care if she was dead. They couldn’t communicate at all, and I would often run between them trying to make peace. There were routinely meetings in our sitting room with declarations that they were going to separate, but nothing ever came of it.

Secondary school was turbulent. I changed schools twice and never found that I fit in anywhere. I started in a bitchy all-girls school, then following an accident a rough catholic school where I was put in the lowest set. The kids were rough, and I was far from street wise. I befriended some girls in my class who insisted I could only hang around with them if I smoked. Following my parent’s intervention, I was moved up to a higher set. No one spoke to me in my new class, and the kids from the lower had disowned me for moving. I walked the playgrounds alone, and ate my lunch in toilet cubicles for about 6 months.

An old friend had started another secondary school in a ‘nice’ area surrounded by fields - it sounded like the refuge I needed. I begged my parents to let me move, believing that this was truly the new start I needed (again). Upon starting this new school, an exhausting commute of 8 miles away, I quickly found that I did not belong. Some girls in my year group took a massive disliking to me, and would hurl abuse at me across the corridor. My friend from before bailed on me completely, too scared to compromise herself I’m sure. I made a few friends in my class I clung onto for dear life, and endured cycles of being excluded.

I was solely responsible for looking after my sisters for the most part. We cooked (mostly alphabites - we were very sickly children) and mostly amused ourselves at home with board games and watching tele. Although I had this responsibility, I was fiercely overprotected. I was never allowed to meet friends outside, although later my sisters were granted much more freedom which I did greatly resented.

I also found in secondary school, kind of to my surprise, that I was extremely ugly. I had massive gums which invited comment wherever I went, by adults as well as children. I was greeted in class in the morning by lads who would gnash their teeth at me. I just tried to ignore them and pretend that nothing was happening. I was never defended by any of my ‘friends’. I remember the girls who hated me graffitiing on my leaving book to “go to hell you gummy bitch” etc. Intellectually, I was pretty disempowered. I was put in the lowest classes again (based on where I was from and my previous school I think), but was literally too exhausted by this point to ‘achieve’ anything. I just dragged myself through.

Following my GCSE’s, I went on my first holiday with my friends. We met a group of lads, and all hoped for romantic encounters. I had my first sexual grope, was ecstatic, and so excited for more when the ‘gummy’ chants came back to haunt me. My romance had been shamed into ever even talking to me again. I swallowed everything, and tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Upon returning home, for first time I really spelt things out. If I didn’t do something about this ‘gummy’ problem, I was going to die. I went to a dentist, and got a referral to a maxillofacial unit where I commenced a complex three year orthodontic process.

Determined to step out of my social anxiety, I went to a new college for A-levels hoping for a more mature environment. I made some friends, but again encountered people who just didn’t like me and ‘gummy’ taunts continued. I remember catching my main tormenter’s reflection in a window flashing her gums behind me when I was talking to a guy. I swallowed all of this humiliation, but felt hopeful that following my surgery, life would be fine.

My surgery was 4 weeks before I started university. I couldn’t wait to leave home and start my new life with a new face. The surgery was intense - it involved removing a 5mm layer of bone across my top teeth, and both jaws broken. Upon starting uni, I still looked like I had been knocked over by a bus, and had to wear rubber bands across my braces to keep my jaws together. I couldn’t eat, but still went out for freshers week to get wasted and attempted to make friends. Through the first term, I had to return to London regularly for appointments, and was ravaged with panic attacks.

In my second year at university, I went out and got wasted, and brought a boy home. I had to get the virginity thing over and done with as the pressure was becoming too much. His attempts at penetration were painful, and bloody. When I refused to carry on, I ran to the bathroom and had a massive panic attack. I returned to my room, and attempted to pretend that nothing had happened. He tried to force penetrating me anally, and I got off the bed and slept on the floor. I told everyone the next day how great the night was.

I studied Chinese as part of my degree in an attempt to be a more interesting person, a decision that impressed everyone I met. I daren’t have bailed on something so worthy of respect. I studied with some public-school types, one of whom was a girl known as ‘the hottest girl in Newcastle’. I found them all utterly terrifying. During my year in China, panic attacks returned. I moved into an apartment with two Chinese girls further adding to my alienation. During this period, many nights I went to sleep hoping that I would never wake up. I couldn’t bear the drama killing myself would create. I got through university by the skin of my teeth.

Following uni, I slept through a year in London in an office job, and going through the motions of after work drinking and drug fuelled weekends. My sister and I got a flat together as we both had nowhere to live. I had always been aware of being a dark cloud in my sister’s life. She enjoyed freedom, a healthy rebellion, solid friends and a strong sense of her sexuality. I resented her massively which culminated in a bust up that led us to not talking for over 6 months.

A lastminute.com holiday to India enlightened me that there was magic in the world, and I then saved up to go travelling. Although I found travelling alone a bit melancholic, I met interesting people and had some spiritual awakenings via vipassana meditation and a yoga ashram.

I found a vigour I had never experienced before upon completing my trip, and I decided to move to Beijing, a city I had really enjoyed as a tourist in an attempt to give China a second shot. The first six months were possibly the best of my life. I quickly made a lot of friends, partied a lot, and happened upon a number of fascinating jobs, one of which working on a film which I then went on to act in. It was so powerful a dream come true, I remember going back to my hotel one day and crying for hours. I met a boyfriend around this time. He was kind and gentle, but the vulnerability required to connect with him didn’t correspond in any way with the outgoing party girl persona I had newly adopted. He told me that sex with me was weird, and I found out shortly after that he has started seeing someone else. I felt relieved.

I got an ‘amazing’ job offer working for a film post production company in which inexperience was traded for training. I became quickly aware however that I was hired as a bit of a Chinese speaking gimmick which resulted in massive resentment among my Chinese colleagues and what I can only describe as work place harassment. One colleague whom I actually befriended and developed a very deep romantic attachment to manipulated my vulnerable position in the firm to elevate his status. Higher management took on ridiculous contracts that involved hiring large teams working crazy hours which I was responsible for. I felt like I was running a sweat shop. I finally quit after 2 years and felt somewhat shell shocked.

I returned to England a year later to do a masters I didn’t really want to do, and had the first encounter with what I can only describe as a breakdown. Whenever I cycled in front of an HGV, I thought about throwing myself under it. I remember my dad bringing me to the train station after Xmas, and crying as the train departed as I was sure I would never see him again. I commenced a course of psychotherapy with a pretty unqualified student psychotherapist. The organiser asked me why I hadn’t sought out support years before, like at university. I told him that the thought had never crossed my mind.

Over the past 5 years, I have really struggled to hold down a job, although am fairly resourceful and so always seem to keep my head above water. I don’t know anyone in my position - 35 and never had a relationship. I go to weddings, and am completely bewildered by how I got to this place. I just keep hoping that something is going to fall into place.

A year ago, I had my first pleasurable sexual experience. The guy wasn’t interested, but the experience did put me on the path to exploring my sexuality. I met a guy on the first night at a conscious sexuality festival (at Leela last November). He was handsome and gentle, and we closed the love lounge. The next morning, he really supported me when I freaked out upon seeing him - an experience I have never had with a man. I have just got back from visiting him, a massively intense experience. I felt cold and resistant the whole time, and still feel full of tears that I wasn’t able to bring down my fortress with him.

[briannacarrasco-blog1]

Character/Advice

My idea of a good day isn’t following a 17 year old girl around high school. Frankly, high school was the worst time of my life. That’s when I was struggling with my self-confidence, discovering my sexuality, and I had absolutely no idea who I truly was.

The only reason why I made it through high school and to the age of 22 years old was because of my best friend, Amanda, who I’ve known since kindergarten. While I would get bullied, or teased Amanda yell and tell everyone else to back off. She protected me my whole life.

When Amanda got pregnant when she was 17, I thought Amanda would get too busy with her new son, Simon, and her asshole boyfriend, Peter, and our friendship would slowly deteriorate and I would be alone forever. But, the complete opposite happened. Peter and Amanda were always on again, off again, and Peter was rarely in Simon’s life. I loved Simon like he was my own son, and he kind of was. He called me Aunty Ava, but I was more of a second mother than an aunt.

So, I was not that pleased when I flew in all the way from Maine to Toronto to mentor a 17-year old girl named Brianna.

Although, I was supposed to be following Brianna from class-to-class, and giving her advice, I couldn’t help but think of my life back home.

In Brianna’s French class, instead of paying attention to the French version of Tim Burton’s Big Eyes, I was worrying about what was going on back home in Portland.

Amanda, Simon, and I had just moved to Portland from New York City early this year, after Amanda had enough of Peter’s physical and verbal abuse, and after my mother passed away of a brain tumor. Amanda and I boarded a flight from NYC to Portland, Amanda with bruises on her face, and me with no family left, but at least we had each other. And Simon.

After arriving in Portland, with a portion of the money my mother left me, we opened our own seafood restaurant by the beach. I haven’t been away from Amanda for more than a day since kindergarten. So, during the movie, I found myself constantly checking my phone for texts from Amanda, or updates on the restauraunt. I felt weird about leaving her, but I knew she was strong and could handle herself.

After Brianna’s French class was lunch time, which is probably the worst part about high school. In class, at least you could keep to yourself, and avoid others. But at lunch, you’re forced to socialize with people that you probably won’t even remember in 10 years. Or, you eat lunch alone and be considered a loser. You never win.

But I was surprised. Lunch wasn’t actually that bad. Brianna mentioned to me that she usually ate lunch at her locker, and when we arrived and she opened her locker, I was shockdx to see The Shining by Stephen King sitting at the top of her textbooks. I was completely taken aback. She seemed like the type of girl to listen to bad pop music and watch makeup tutorials on YouTube.

“That’s my favourite book!” I exclaimed, unable to contain myself. Stephen King really excited me. I couldn’t help it.

“I’m loving it so far!” she responded, stacking binders in her locker. “But I think we’re in agreement that the movie sucked.”

“Oh, definitely.” I replied smiling. I thought today was going to be horrible, but it was always great to find someone you could bond over horror stories with.

The rest of the lunch went by fairly quickly, and I assume it’s because we were discussing our favourite books, movies, and TV shows. I learned that Brianna liked teen dramas like Gossip Girls, The Fosters, and Skins, whereas I preferred legal dramas and crime shows like Suits or CSI. We both agreed on Criminal Minds though, and we debated about who was the cutest. She went for Derek Morgan, but I picked JJ, obviously.

She also told me about her visits to New York City, and how she decided it’s her favourite city in the world. I told her about what it was like for me to grow up in NYC, and all my favourite things about the city. But I didn’t tell her about what made me leave New York for good. There were too many bad memories associated with that place that I didn’t want to talk about.

After lunch, Briana brought me to her last period class, which was Advanced Functions. I know I said that high school was an overall nightmare for me, but the one place I really felt comfortable was in math class. It’s probably because math was the subject I did best in, and it also required the least amount of social interaction. There were no group projects in math class.

Every so often, Brianna would ask me if her answers were correct, or if she was doing a question right. Whenever she asked me a question, I felt a flutter in my heart as I remembered being 17 and tutoring younger kids with their math homework. For a brief period before Amanda got pregnant, I thought about becoming a teacher. I didn’t really know for what. I was interested in a lot of things from law, to science, to math. But, I knew that explaining things to people, and helping them to love the same things I did, was something I knew I wanted to do.

But then Amanda had Simon, and I dedicated my life to protecting her, like she had protected me.

After school, Brianna’s grandmother picked us up in her car, and drove us to Brianna’s house in Ajax, a small town outside the city.

When we got to Brianna’s house, which was roughly the size of my new home in Portland. I was still used to the tiny apartments in New York, and still couldn’t fathom why anyone would need such a large living space. After munching on some vegetarian snacks in Brianna’s cupboards, and gathering Brianna’s books, we hopped into her car.

“I tutor this kid about three times a week,” Brianna explained while starting her car. “He’s such a brat, but you get used to him after a while.”

The way she reversed out of her driveway and sped down the street like it was second nature caught me off guard. Back in New York, there usually wasn’t any need to drive a car. A subway station was always a short distance away, and if you really wanted to, you could hop in a taxi. I didn’t realize that driving might actually be a useful skill until moving to Portland, where not everything was easily accessible by subway.

While Brianna was tutoring this 7-year old boy in French (what was it with this girl and French?) I started to understand what Brianna meant when she said that this kid was a brat. I love children, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to be a teacher. But, sometimes I forget that not all kids were as sweet and caring as Simon.

After French lessons, Brianna drove her car over to a restaurant to meet her mother and her two cousins. I was dragged along, even though what I really wanted to do was go home and Skype with Amanda and Simon to see how they were doing, But, I admit, dinner was pretty fun. The table came with a trivia game that they played against each other. I didn’t really feel like playing, so I just watched. As they played and laughed and yelled at each other over the table, I felt a sense of yearning for something I would probably never have. A family. I felt a pang of jealousy in my heart, but it was quickly replaced with joy. If I couldn’t have a happy family, I’m glad someone could.

There was one point during the dinner when an Ed Sheeran song came on, and everyone at the table starting singing in unison. They all seemed so happy, but I couldn’t help but sit there as teared welled up in my eyes. It reminded me too much of when my mother and I used to sing Your Song by Elton John in the kitchen while cooking dinner or getting ready for school and work. In the middle of the song, I had to quickly excuse myself and go to the bathroom for pull myself together.

After feasting on fries and garlic bread, we parted ways, and I got back into the car with Brianna. She plugged her phone into the AUX cord, and played me a song from a new band she’s been listening to called Years & Years. They weren’t really my type, since I was more of a Billy Joel or The Police type of girl. But, then she played a Sam Smith song that was so beautiful that I made a mental note to download it on my phone.

When we arrived back home at Brianna’s house, she sat at her dining room table while her mom watched soap operas in the living room. She pulled out her math textbook and smiled at me.

“You think you can do my math homework for me?” she teased.

I pulled up a chair beside her and we did her homework together for the next two hours. Sitting in the dark, with only the soft light of the kitchen, by the warm fireplace, and doing math homework, was probably the best part of my day. I had a glimpse of what my life would be like if Amanda didn’t get pregnant, and I decided to follow my dreams instead of taking care of her. I immediately felt a pang of guilt.

“You know, I wanted to be a math teacher when I was your age.” I said out loud, startling Brianna. “Or a science teacher. It didn’t really matter.”

“Why didn’t you?” Brianna asked.

“Things happened.” I responded. “My best friend was a teen mom. She isn’t that close with her family, she was always staying at my place. And her family had basically no money.”

Brianna stared at me, her eyes wide, urging me to continue.

“I’m not rich or anything. But my mom was a pretty successful lawyer before she died. So we were pretty well off. I kind of made it my duty to take care of her. She took care of me for many years, so I decided it was time to pay her back. We both have no family anymore. We’re each other’s family.”

“That’s really sad.” Brianna responded softly. I was taken aback. Usually when I tell people about me and Amanda’s friendship, they think it’s amazing that we managed to find each other through all the darkness of the world.

“Why?” I asked.

“You shouldn’t feel indebted to your best friend.” she started.

“I’m not indebted–“

“I mean,” she continued. “It’s great to help out friends in times of need, but, at what expense? When do you stop giving every part of yourself to Amanda and her son? When do you start taking care of yourself? When do you get to be happy. 22 is too young to be taking care of another girl and her son.”

“Well, Amanda was too young to have a baby. She needed help.” I couldn’t help but defend her.

“Look, Amanda made a mistake when she was 17 years old. That’s in the past, and you got Simon out of it. I’m just saying, how long are going to pay for Amanda’s mistake?” Brianna closed her math textbook and stuffed it into her school bag, while I sat there with a stunned expression on my face. “I’m going to go to bed. Thank you for spending the day with me today. You really helped me a lot.”

“No,” I said. “You helped me.”