#my coping method is making fun of myself on tumblr apparently

[zakizendetandi]

me before i lock myself into a night of socialising: just breathe okay, you’ve done this before and you can do this again. you can survive this. it is nothing really, you are stronger than whatever hardships you will face. trust yourself and your instincts. you can do this. you will improvise, adapt, overcome. you are strong and normal and fine and you will survive this night.

me before i do something actually dangerous: woohoo let’s goooooooo!!!!!!

[aflyingcontradiction]

Also, there's this whole thing of some people equating the idea that bad mental health is due to outside circumstances with ... idk, an immature, unhelpful mindset that'll get you stranded in depression forever? Like, the one true way of dealing with bad mental health is to change your mindset and then, and only then, will you be able to claw your way out of misery? Which may be true for some people because of the way their brains work or because their circumstances truly are unchangeable (at least through their own agency). And the general state of the discourse may also be a reaction to the whole "Depression will only be solved by the glorious revolution. No, we don't have a schedule for that, why do you ask?" meme, which is obviously less than ideal.

But my personal experience is that when I've been in the deepest of pits, maybe I COULD have painstakingly crawled out of those pits by somehow forcing my brain into new pathways. I don't know. It's never happened. But what has ACTUALLY improved the situation every single time so far has been giving my brain whatever it was apparently screaming for*. Any change in perspective was very much DOWNSTREAM of that, not the other way around. And any time I've fallen back into the pit it wasn't because of some fundamental problem with my brain (even if it kinda feels like it at the time) but because it turns out I've accidentally stopped giving my mind all the things it needs. My brain is a high-maintenance little bitch that needs a lot of things, after all, and it's easy to fuck up the maintenance process. Once I figure out the need and fulfil the need, I'm mostly fine.

So when I see an exchange like A: "I'm miserable because of outside circumstances." B: "You childish idiot! You absolute ingrate! You would clearly be miserable in any circumstance with that mindset, what you really need is - insert therapy / method primarily aimed at changing thought patterns -

it just makes me go "bzuh?" Like. No. THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE PERFECTLY FINE IF THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGED IN THE RIGHT WAY??? (Whether or not that change is possible is a different argument, of course, so I don't have the same 'THE FUCK' reaction to "Fair, but seeing as that's not currently on the table, you could try coping with your circumstances like this...").

*In my case it's usually that I haven't people-ed enough or I haven't slept enough or I haven't been given enough work recently or I haven't gone outside enough or I haven't been to a fun event in ages or, fuck, I've spent too much time hatereading irritating opinions on tumblr and maybe I should force myself to not do that...

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + badger secondary (bird model)

ie A HOUSE MATCH !!

Hellooo, I’m sorry for bothering you but I’ve found this blog and I absolutely love your character analysis and overall thought about the SHC system, and I could use some help?

I’ve known the system for a while now, since the old SHC tumblr times, and while understanding my current primary situation has been quite easy, I’m having A LOT of trouble with my secondary and it’s becoming a bit of a issue for me because the more I think about it, the more confused I become, to the point where it’s upsetting me a bit.

First thing first, my Primary is a very “standard” Lion, the whole “you feel if something is right or not and if you do something that’s not right to you you feel bad/ill/it’s wrong” is extremely me. I had some doubts about a Badger model, but I think it’s just that my personal ideals and values align a lot with a Badger worldview, since I grew in a very Badger society and family (very leftist, a lot of emphasis on equality and valuing and creating communities). Reading various description/interpretations of primary Lion always feels right, while reading primary Badger always makes me think “yeah, this is all good and nice, BUT…” so this was quite easy to sort out (no pun intended).

Are you me? So far... I could have written this. It’s possible I *might* be biased going forward. 

When it comes to secondaries, I see a lot of myself in Bird descriptions: I make spreadsheets for everything.

 Pretty Bird.

I am a crafter with an apparently endless supply of books and tutorials and supplies ready, and the enthusiasm to share them. 

That sounds more Badger. 

I am the mom friend 

Badger.

who always has what’s needed in their bag. 

Bird.

I am that one person you can count on knowing a funny or interesting anecdote about almost any topic, from the mundane to the truly obscure. Learning new things, about any topic, is literally one of my biggest pleasures in life. 

Bird [model?] Whichever one isn’t your secondary is a model you clearly love.

I take pride in all these things, but I honestly have trouble understanding if I like using them as tools because they help me with my ADHD and so I received a very strong positive enforcement using them and I kept the ones I like, or if I started doing them because they are what I like doing and coincidentally they help me managing my symptoms or better navigate the world in my day to day life.

Could be either, but modeling Bird because you’re neurodivergent is very much a thing.

Also, while I love planning, when it comes to making decisions I tend to gather all information and summarize it in a way that makes sense to me so I can visualize the issue in my mind as complete and detailed as possible, but the final decision tends to feel a bit… impulsive, to me?, there’s always A LOT of gut feeling involved, and when I don’t follow it usually it ends up being a wrong or subpar decision. I do need to gather all the available information about the issue/situation/item/people, but rather than making my decision by comparison, I use the information to make sure that I’m “seeing” the truth (or as close to it as it is possible) and then once I feel safe that I’m not overlooking anything important I just KNOW what is the correct decision.

That’s a Lion primary making a call. 

Could this simply be a very strong primary interfering with the decision-making, even when it’s not about ideals but more mundane things?

Decision making is always a primary thing. Mundane stuff included. Mundane stuff is important. 

On the other hand, I am an extremely hard working person (I am changing jobs right now because I feel like my old bosses are making more and more difficult for me to just do my job properly and without needing to cut corners, and it just feels wrong to me). 

Oh good lord. I am ready to sort you as a Badger secondary solely on the basis of THAT. 

People tell me I’m a very good listener and that I am especially good at helping others unravel their thoughts when they’re all confused and tangled because I ask the right questions. I seem to gain other people’s trust easily and often I get told gossip or secrets before others. 

Badger. Also DAMN but that’s relatable. I think you might house-match me. 

I got told several times by previous bosses that I should look into becoming a team leader because people like me and I make them get along better. 

Sounds like a Lion/Badger combo. 

People get attached to me very quickly and when I have problems the stream of folks asking if they can help or just checking in is always way more than I expect.

Isn’t it weird how that happens? 

This all sounds like Badger stuff, from the descriptions I read, but many of them are not things I actively enjoy doing, I just.. do them because it would be weird to do otherwise? Or it feels like they happen to me with no effort on my part.

Because they’re just you. It’s just who you are. 

I think they might be simply a result of me growing up in a society that values hard work and being kind to others, or just me being a likeable person

Not everyone finds this easy. Not even close. I have read so many testimonials written by people in Badger secondary households killing themselves trying to fit into this model. Wanting isn’t enough. Having examples around you isn’t enough. 

or maybe coping mechanisms I had to learn in order to “pass” as neurotypical but as I wrote the more think and read about Birds and Badgers and their differences, the more I get confused and frustrated.

Now I know I’m projecting, but all my neurotypical coping mechanisms come out of the Bird secondary toolbox. 

But it would make sense since I burned out badly in my teens from trying to always try to be perfect for my family, my friends, my teachers, society 

That sounds like a young Badger secondary, more than a young Bird secondary.

and when I finally found who I really wanted to be I resolved to never let anyone define what or how I should be ever again (hello there, Lion primary!)

I hear that. 

After a lifetime of beating myself up for not living up to the absurdly high expectations I set up for myself, I have decided that the only way to stay sane for me is to do the groundwork, be as prepared as I can

Bird

 put in the work I should

Badger

 but once I’m in the thick of it just… ride the wave. And now I got to the point where I have the confidence that I am smart enough to learn the basics of a new skill on the fly, if needed.

To me, this is so fundamentally, so spiritually Badger secondary. You don’t have tools. You are a tool. You made yourself into one. And that moment where you can just trust yourself to catch the world, absorb it into yourself, and become whatever it needs you to be... it’s ecstasy. 

I’d say that lack of time is my worst enemy, but due/thanks to the ADHD that’s not true most of the time, since lack of time is what enables me to get past the executive dysfunction in the first place, so I’ll say I have a love-hate relationship with it. Doing things just before a deadline is it’s own kind of high, after all (I’m not saying it’s healthy).

At the base of your soul, you’re not really a Bird prepper/planner. 

A practical example: I usually don’t like platforming games much, but I am LOVING Immortals: Fenyx Rising because in most situations, there is a “best” way to do things but you can also get creative by using different skills, using specific items, finding loopholes, or a combination of all of them.

Sounds like a Bird secondary having fun. [a fun model?]

When I fail a level/combat I don’t get frustrated because I know that I just have to try a few more times until I find the solution that feels right FOR ME, even if it’s not the most efficient ones. And when I do it feels great, even if I look a at guide afterwards and there’s a waaay easier solution! I usually feel a bit silly for not “seeing it” but also think something like “well, I think MY way is more fun!”

Oh yeah, a Bird secondary would not have that reaction. That is the sacred Badger consistency of method. How you do something matters equally as much as the final product. 

When I cook, I usually find a recipe I like and try it as written, then I make small adjustments to improve it, see how it turns out, and so on until I have a recipe that is MY recipe, one I really like and that I know well enough to use as a basis to be changed if needed, knowing exactly how the change will affect the end result. I think this is why I prefer baking to other kinds of cooking, since it’s much more akin to chemistry I feel like I have more control over what a change will do. 

On it’s own this could be a description of rapid-fire Bird. And you clearly have Bird, you have a lot of it. You love it. 

So I guess that what really matters to me is being able to do things my way so that I can enjoy the process and live up to my standards instead of external ones? 

But then you say something like this... it’s about the process... it’s about the method... it’s about something coming up to your own personal standards. And that’s so Badger. 

This ended up being very lengthy… I’ve tried shortening it but English isn’t my first language and I was afraid I might come across not clearly. 

Your English is perfect, and insanely clear. You’re clearer than I am. 

Thank you again for the blog, I especially like your DS9 characters’ analysis and I am low-key hoping for more :)

I’m particularly proud of those ones. I’d love to do more, but before that I would have to go back and re-watch the show, or at least key character episodes. I’m not going to sort from memory. That would be doing a show I love, and a number of extremely complex characters a disservice. And it wouldn’t be nearly as fun. 

(it’s that whole Badger integrity-of-method thing, you know how it goes.) 

[far-off-flower-fields]

Being 26 has literally been so rough so far. I know I have very different standards for myself than I do for other people but the distance between my standards for where I wanted to be now and where I actually am are super jarring and I'm scared that I'm running out of time.

As a kid my standards were more in line with the ones previous generations and the media told you to have, which is understandable I guess. Now I feel like they're more rooted in comparison which is common af I know but also super not helpful. Plus there's still this nonsense idea looming over my head that I'll be 30 in a few years and if I'm not sorted by then I'm screwed (thanks TV for raising me with shite expectations).

I sometimes feel like my expectations can't be that unreasonable because I adjust them all the time based on stuff that happens in an effort to try to be a little sensible, not to mention people who are not all that dissimilar to me in a lot of ways have already blazed this trail before me.

Literally though here I am, 26, and...

In the process of applying for bankruptcy due to my shitty coping methods resulting in an addiction to shopping (which is something that was always funny to people in movies but it's a real problem)

I've lived with my family for the past 3 years after having moved out 3 times since I was 16. My family is a disaster, it actually hurts me to live with them. I'm confined to one cramped room 99% of the time trying to preserve at least some sort of grasp on my will to live, I pay to live there but am reminded that the space I literally pay to inhabit is not mine, and I'm required to get my own food and feed myself, meaning I skip meals, they know and don't care. I can't afford to move out and there isn't enough council housing to go around.

I've been engaged for over a year, we can't afford to get married even though literally all we were going to do (because I know we can't afford even the smallest ceremony) was go to a registry office with 2 of my fiancés friends and sign some paper because even that costs literally hundreds of pounds.

I'm a financial burden on my Fiancé because I'm too mentally ill to work (I tried my best at 3 separate jobs over the years and the result is always the same) but apparently not ill enough to warrant support from anywhere else.

My physical health is still an issue, even though I thought that'd improve after I quit my job because the doctors all swore up and down it was just purely related to my mental health.

My art looks like doo doo.

I can't wear what I want because I self-harmed for most of my life and I'm covered in scars, so even though I've stopped it's still a problem. I know I have it better than others because some have been tattood over. The issue still remains however that there are a total of 2 rooms in which I can dress however I like without people looking at me like I'm literally eating a live animal of some sort. I have sensory issues and it's heating up and for yet another summer I'm going to suffer because I'm shite with money and didn't expect to survive this long.

I'm still having nightmares because of high school, and again other people have it worse and I've been out of school for a long time now, but those shouldn't be excuses for other people to invalidate the pain I still feel.

My only friend is my Fiancé and while he is wonderful, he has different requirements for space and I can't expect him to be at my beck and call 24/7 (especially since we still don't live together, and he is stuck working to financially support my useless ass) it wouldn't be healthy or right.

Executive dysfunction combined with all of the above means it's so damn hard to get shit done. I need to put in a lot of work to try to start up a career working for myself (especially since my skills are all nowhere near where they need to be) I'm not asking for riches, I only want a life that is comfortable and fun. But I mean you see my problem and it feels like I'm getting nowhere and this is my last chance, or it feels like it is? Bah.

I haven't been away on holiday since I was in early high school. I don't do well when I feel confined, but here I am. I've been in the same area for over 3 years and it makes me feel so trapped and understimulated, there were times as a kid I'd move house a couple of times a year, so being in one house for over 3 years and not seeing much else is obviously quite a contrast.

I grew up poor, lonely, isolated, and trapped. I feel like I've made next to no progress away from that and that it's getting too late in the game to have made this little progress after trying so many paths and feeling like I was working hard (considering my situation). It's disheartening. I've actually lost count of all the fresh starts I've made.

I'm not totally ungrateful, I adore my Fiancé, and all the animals in my life, and I'm aware I'm still in spite of all this shite more privileged than many in some ways. However it's still frustrating and I'm really really scared and sad. What if reblogging things on tumblr and watching certain YouTubers is the closest I get to my goals? Time is running out on me. I feel powerless.

As I said I don't even feel like I'm asking for a lot. I just want to work for myself, living in a single storey cottage with my Fiancé (married) and our animals. I want to bake, and do crafts, and create art, and tend to my garden and animals, with a really close friend or two and the ability to travel. That is all. I don't want a fancy car, or millions of pounds. I don't even expect for the parts of my life that never worked to suddenly start to work, my mental and physical health will always be something I have to work around, I'll probably never completely recover from my childhood, and I'll never be Miss Popularity, I wouldn't really want to be, and I also know I'll probably never be super happy with my appearance. I just want a sustainable, content life. Why is that so much to ask?

[yourdiag-nonsense-blog]

A title ?

I guess it’s funny to me that whenever I started this tumblr page I must have been at least 18 and apparently thought naming it after a line from one of my favourite movies would be cool or edgy maybe . A line from a movie that now seems to me more serious than cool and more close to home than the edgy feel I’d been going for. What’s your diag-nonsense then?

I had thought about not writing this at all and after all what good does it do to dwell on your issues . Maybe this has been my problem all along and infact according to my counsellor perhaps is the same for many people in the West of Scotland . This inability to accept that dwelling on your own thoughts and feeling is not weakness . Beating yourself up for being unable to cope does not make you shit at life .Sharing your most mental thoughts with another can actually be refreshing even if its just to know you arent alone . Its funny to think how readily we read instructions for everything else but when it comes to our own brains - brains that are more complex than your tv or computer we are so ready to just handle them on our own with no guidance and shrug off all the issues.

I recently found myself at a music festival , a music festival that I had been excited for , a music festival that would not be something out of the ordinary for me “normal me ” to attend . Yet we got there and I felt sick, sick to my stomach and I was scared so so scared . I didnt understand why and so like most people when we don’t understand or can’t explain something rationally I shrugged it off and pushed it to one side . Making excuses like I’ve been in the sun too long or I’ve drank too much . Later that evening the feeling grew and I made my partner take me to the medical tent all the while feeling embarrassed and like I was ruining the weekend for other people . It’s there that after many checks I was told that my heart rate was possibly a little high but otherwise I was fine . How do you sit there and tell a medical professional , no I’m not fine and I can’t tell you how far from fine I feel and I think I’m going to die. Well the answer is you don’t, at least not in my case anyway . No I hopped off the bed and thanked him for his time and embarrassingly went back to my partner having to tell him it was nothing and return to our friends . Everyday for the rest of that festival I didn’t drink because I needed to feel in control of whatever this was my body was doing and so I got up and put on a brave face and did my best to go have fun . Every night though after the last band I’d feel so so tired more tired than I’ve ever felt before and I couldn’t stay awake and party with my friends. I Didn’t realise how exhausting it is to pretend you are okay all the time . This was just the beginning for me .

Right at the end of this festival I finally decided to try tell my partner what was going on as ridiculous as the sensible part of my brain thought that was going to sound . I did my best to explain the need to be sober to be in control just incase I got unwell or the overwhelming sense of dread that made no sense to me . I’ve been in large crowds before and I love music and I’m not unwell so what could this be . My partner was great I can’t fault him he comforted me and promised me as soon as we got home I could see a doctor and we would figure this all out .

So now I’m a few months on and my final diagnosis seems to be generalised anxiety disorder specifically health anxiety based . Now before I go into my healing process I want to say how hard it is for me to write that diagnosis . I am not someone that exactly believes in “anxiety” or maybe I should say I didn’t believe . My own father has suffered from depression for many years and I viewed it as an excuse for his bad behaviours and his tendency to mess life up for himself . I was that person moaning about all those people sharing anxiety posts on Facebook and complaining about how badly it messes with their lives . I thought anxiety was just something everyone had at some point and surely if you wanted to overcome it well then you could. I’d complain often about people not helping themselves but continuing to post these cries for attention . How wrong I have been . I think possibly I knew at that festival what it was I was experiencing but it felt like there is a stigma attached to saying I’m having an anxiety attack or I think I have anxiety . One that made me feel embarrassed that this could be happening to me . I don’t worry about all these things that I’m worrying about , normal me doesn’t burst into tears everytime I get a twinge in my head, old me didn’t wear a fitbit to track my heart rate and call the doctor everytime I noticed an anomaly. I think it took a long time for me to process that all those versions are the same me . Where am I now ? After a few months of some highs and extreme lows and plenty of tears I found the strength to admit I needed more help to conquer this. I signed up to counselling sessions through occupational health and began seeing a wonderful woman Maragaret . As you can imagine I went to my session a sceptic or at least doubting that talking about it more was going to solve it but alas you cant moan about others not helping themselves if you aren’t willing to do it yourself . My first session I have to admit I mostly cried , I couldn’t tell whether they were sad or happy tears but there was relief there . Just relief to speak about it , relief to finally admit this is real and to finally stop playing it down for the sake of people around me . We established straight away that I am not alone and what I was going through is not unusual . We also talked about loss and I couldn’t understand why loss related to my situation as I had automatically assumed that loss refereed only to losing a person . Maragaret was quick to tell me I had lost a person , id lost me or at least the me I was familiar with the me that ended up with a kidney infection because I couldn’t be bothered going to the doctors when I was in pain and not this new me that poked and prodded herself so much it was no wonder I was worried about that weird red mark on my wrist or that tender feeling near my knee . In the past few months I had been to the hospital convinced I was having a heart attack, the doctors because I was so sure I had a blood clot in my leg and then received a referral for the headache clinic because I was so sure I had braintumours . Now writing this I know it’s total nonsense what person in their right mind does those things. Well apparently I did … Some days it got so bad I thought I might just go to A&E and stand and shout till they gave me all the scans and tests that I thought were going to finally put my mind at ease but of course it doesn’t work like that. So loss I had infact lost myself.

I was given a task to write down things the little evil person on my shoulder might say to me and I did and when I read it back they were awful . It was then ten times worse when Margaret read them out , like really how can you help yourself when those are the ways you put yourself down all the time . So compassion, compassion was a lesson to learn for me . A way to make myself take time out in an anxiety fueled situation and compassionately talk myself down and give rational , sensible advice that didn’t involve just yelling things at myself for not working how I think I should . For not being good enough to go out and enjoy something that should be happy without ruining it all being a panicked mess. So my method as awfully simple as it seems is when the closing black walls start moving their way in I breath and I count and I remind myself that this, this is nothing and that I am 26 and I have already made it through so many things . I am strong and healthy and I have so much to see and I am going to live for this moment right here because as wise Margaret told me “if you have one foot in the past and one in the future you are effectively pissing in the here and now ” .

Be understanding also , I watched a mindfullness seminar recently I believe it might have been on tedtalks . A suggested method from the speaker was to give your brain a name , you know like an old friend . So when your brain starts running off on it’s crazy train pulling out every bad thought and possibility of the day you can answer it . Sensible you can tell Brenda , you know what Brenda I’ve heard what you had to say but I don’t think I’m gonna take that road today . I know it sounds ridiculous but it made me laugh and I liked it and those are small things to live for .

I know this has been a long post but I think I wanted to write about how something that I didn’t believe was real happened to me . I wanted the chance to take back all those negative non believing vibes I’d put out and be upfront and honest about my experience. Life isn’t Instagram perfect and sometimes I think we forget that. I am not healed and I am far from finished my journey but I am happy and well and alive and that right now is more than I’ve felt in months. I wanted to remind anyone going through anything at all that’s it’s alright and it does get better. I wanted to remind myself so I can read back how horrible it was but not to dwell on the bad just to remind myself of how good it feels to have anxiety free days and of how good it feels to know it’s not something to be embarrassed about and I did something about it and I’ll continue doing things about it so that I can live always in the here and now. So don’t forget compassion and understanding and remember to laugh at yourself in between. It’s alright to be a bit crazy