#my clone huband

[starlightrows]

If Not Love Enduring

Masterlist

Pairing: Commander Wolffe x reader

Word Count: 1.4K

Warning: Angst, grief, loss, depression, coping in unhealthy ways, post clone wars era, alluding to suicide (not the character), alcohol, drinking, memory loss

Summary: It was always understood that he would be the one to pass away first. He was never supposed to out live you

“What is grief, if not love enduring”

From the moment you met, there was an understanding. An unspoken truth that lived in the hearts and minds of every man that marched away to war from the watery planet of Kamino. The horrible truth that they were born to die.

Their intended purpose was to die in battle. For cause they never had a choice in supporting. For a future they were never meant to be a part of. It was drilled into their heads and beaten into their souls.

And then the war was over. In fire and blood and betrayal. They did what good soldiers do, follow orders. Many died, as they were destined to. But many did not. Many had to look at the faces of their friends, their brothers in arms, their military superiors… that they had just killed in cold blood. With no free will or control of themselves.

Many were driven to follow their brothers in death. Others continued following orders and assimilated into the new army of the Empire. Others saw their opportunity and fled.

That is how it came to be that your commanding officer, and your secret lover, Wolffe, hunted you down after you disappeared on Cato Neimoidia.

You watched General Plo Koon’s ship get shot out of the sky by his men. Your men. Your friends. They continued firing at the wreckage, even after it had crashed. This was no accident.

You did not wait to find out what happened. You took nothing with you. You just ran. You ran until the sounds of the horrors behind you faded into the sounds of the horrors of night time in the jungle.

Wolffe knew the moment he heard the chancellors order. Something was wrong. At that moment he could not recognize any one of his brothers. Because all of them were the same. Unfeeling machines, like droids they fought so hard to destroy, programmed to target and destroy the Jedi and any civilian military that posed a threat. But not him.

He himself had to run for his life. His lack of unwavering compliance branded him an enemy same as you. It was only later, after you’d been reunited, that the two of you discovered that his implant had been damaged and removed when his cybernetic eye was integrated.

The threat of him dying in battle was over. He lived to love another day. Then it was a matter of survival day to day. Finding somewhere to hide. Getting jobs that paid enough and kept the both of you out of trouble. Scraping together enough money to make rent and eat. Saving up enough to move on to another planet, a safer one with better jobs and better housing.

Still. He knew it. And you knew it too. The passing years were beginning to show. In small ways af first. Not having to do physical conditioning training every single day and eating real food, softened his body. A good look on him you assured him every night. Then the slight graying of his hair. The wrinkles on his face and hands. He was aging just as fast as he did when he was a boy. Like all the others. He would be gone in half the lifetime he deserved.

You’d heard that some clone survivors were desperately seeking a cure. A vaccine. A drug therapy of some kind to halt the accelerated aging process. The fear of an untimely death and bitterness of the injustice that they’ve suffered driving them to fight for a cure.

But Wolffe was already tired. His military career and now life in hiding has run him down. He said something to the point of wanting to enjoy what little time he has left, with the one thing he always knew we was fighting to have. You.

So you agreed. If a cure came about, he would happily take it and enjoy a long happy life with you. But he would not concern himself with trying to find one. He would not waste another day doing anything that would not directly lead to your happiness. He fully intended to spend every moment he could with you until the day he died.

Twenty years. Twenty amazing years of traveling, swimming, dancing, gardening, cooking, truly living. And then one day. You did not want to accompany him to go shop at the local market. One of your favorite pastimes. You said you were not feeling well that day.

You never recovered from that day forward. Your illness consumed you. Made you sicker and sicker every day. No amount of medicine could help it. It was already too late.

In those days before your passing he felt that desperation his brothers felt to find a cure for their own accelerated mortality. Only he didn’t care about his own life. However unfair it was that he was doomed to die a young man on the inside, it was unacceptable in his mind that you should die so young on the outside.

Wolffe was always ready to die. But he was never ever ready to mourn.

He remembered what General Plo used to say about love and attachment. That love is not wrong. That love is a wonderful thing that all living things should embrace. But that attachment was a poison that ultimately led to suffering. The inability to let something go would be the death of joy.

Wolffe always thought he understood this sentiment. He loved his brothers, but was already ready to see them die in battle. He loved you. More than anything else in the universe. He thought that he was ready to leave you, die himself and move on into the next life… whatever that may be.

But he was wrong. The agonizing pain that followed your passing was unimaginable. Because he was attached. Fully and wholeheartedly attached without even being aware of it.

His grief consumes him. He finds that he can not sleep alone in the bed where you should be next to him. He can not eat because nothing seems to have any sort of taste or flavor. He finds that the only thing that makes him feel something is very strong Corelian whiskey, lots of it.

That’s where Rex finds him. At the bottom of a bottle with tears streaming down his face and his nose running. Sitting in the alley behind the pub that doesn’t have the heart to serve him anymore.

“You’re not alone my friend”

Wolffe stares at the hand extended to him. Thinks briefly about batting it away and sucking the backwash out of the whiskey bottle. But something compels him to take Rex’s hand and follow wherever it is that Rex leads him.

When he’s sobered up and more aware of his surroundings he realizes, he isn’t alone. Rex brought him to wherever he’s been hiding out all these years.

“Echo?” Wolffe is shocked “You’re…”

“Alive? I know, I’m as surprised as you are” Echo hugs his old friend, giving him a clap on the back and a squeeze to make it count.

There’s another clone present, one he doesn’t recognize. Wolffe looks to him, hoping for an introduction.

“Gregor” he shakes Wolffe’s hand

The men sit around this old table for hours speaking about the war. About the years that followed. Where they’ve been, who’s survived, and who has not.

“She’s gone Rex” Wolffe tells them sadly “I was never supposed to outlive my girl”

“Outlived mine too” Rex admits “Took a blaster bolt to the chest getting me out of harms way… I think about her every day”

“We all know I’m well past my expiration date” Echo joked “There’s hardly any of me left”

“At least you’re all sure of who you are and where you came from” Gregor adds “I’d give anything to remember why I’m alive. Who I should be thanking. Too many years of explosions and bad rations. Can’t remember shit” he laughs a bit awkwardly

“You remember to brew the caf every morning, and that’s more important than remembering a war that sucked anyway” Rex says, trying to lift their brothers spirits

He doesn’t know why… but sitting at this table, with men just as lost and alone and broken as he feels, makes him feel better. The thought of freshly brewed caf every morning is something to look forward to.

You may be gone. But his life is not over yet. There is still caf to drink. Food to try. Memories to make. Brothers to support. And maybe someday, when his life really does come to an end, you’ll be on the other side waiting for him. As he had always meant to wait for you.

[starlightrows]

Ramblings on Wolffe

I’ve been thinking about Wolffe a lot lately. What we see of him in the show. How he tends to be written in fan fiction. And how I view him.

We only see him in the show once before the events of Khorm. We see him as being pretty calm and put together. But what we don’t see is the common theme of thinking clones are expendable… that famous quote that makes us love Buir Plo so much actually came from Sinker.

“We're just clones, sir. We're meant to be expendable”

That’s Sinker. Not Wolffe. So… what does that leave us?

The Wolffe we see later in the show is grumpy and irritated. Usually at C-3PO and R2-D2 in the clone wars. Usually he’s irritated about something though. He’s not an angry, grumpy person. Not in my opinion anyway.

Anyone who’s read my stories with Wolffe in it can tell, I see him a little differently. I think he does get grumpy. I think he gets grumpy when he’s hangry. I think he gets grumpy when he’s sleep deprived or when a droid is making his already difficult job more difficult.

I think in his core Wolffe is one of those people that really wants to be more open like some of his brothers. He wants to be able to make strong emotional connections. But he tends to struggle with that. With his brothers. With women.

He’s not socially awkward. He does just fine talking to others. But when it comes to opening up, talking about his feelings or things that have happened to him in his life… he clams up. He doesn’t know how to talk about it. He unintentionally keeps others at arms length.

Until he meets that one person. Someone who just slots right into his life. Someone he interacts with and enjoys interacting with. Someone he finds himself wanting to be near and seeking out. Someone he just can’t stop thinking about. It doesn’t even occur to him that he’s letting this person in or getting close to them. It’s not until he realizes he’s admitting his deepest darkest secrets to this person that it dawns on him what’s happening.

I think in a relationship he is a bit more dominant, but less domineering that we see him characterized. I think he’s dominant because leadership comes easy to him. It’s a natural role he finds himself falling into in most situations. Especially if his partner likes it. I think anything he senses his partner liking or responding well to, he’ll lean into.

Because part of what makes him a good leader, is that he is a pleaser. Deep down a lot of what motivates him is being able to do right by his brothers. And make his General proud, not because he gives any ounce of a fuck about the Republic. Because he wants to make his mentor proud. He wants to make his brothers proud and protected. He wants to make his partner proud.

Wolffe still struggles to communicate his feelings at times. But he’s better about it, especially with a partner that’s good at reading him and asking him pointed questions that will get him to open up.

Wolffe is a surprisingly good listener. He may have resting stern face, but he is listening. He is not the coddling type, but he gives very good advice. He will listen when something is going on and he will be quiet and not interrupt when you’re venting. He is going to be honest. Even if it hurts a little. But he’ll do it in a way that you know he is trying to do what’s best for you.

He’s private about his relationship. What happens between him and his partner stays there. Unless he’s been drinking.

You guys. That is his weakness. When he drinks some good strong alcohol. He gets more laid back. He laughs a lot more. He’s way more likely to accidentally admit some deeper feelings without meaning to. To a partner. To his brothers. That’s when people in his life that are close to him find out how he really feels about things. Not just the honest, but surface level truth. But the whole truth.

This really is a ramble. Lots of disconnected thoughts about him strung together. I just really love Wolffe and spend an ungodly amount of time thinking about him as a person.

[starlightrows]

Pumpkin Spiced Bullshit

Pairing: Commander Wolffe x reader

Word Count: 284

Warnings: None!

Summary: How can your boyfriend be against pumpkin spice?!

Saw this post by @soclonely last night, and was very inspired to go get a pumpkin cream cold brew and write this!

“Come on, come on, come on!” You tug at Wolffe’s sleeve, trying to pull him along to go faster

“Babe, I thought we were doing a relaxing fall walk, not a sprint” he pokes fun at you

You jut out your lower lip in a dramatic pout “You know good and well what day it is”

He gives you a quizzical look. He actually doesn’t know why today is special. It’s a Wednesday… uh… it’s not your anniversary, that’s in spring. And it’s… OH… it’s fall.

“You have got to be kriffing kidding me” he groans “Is it pumpkin spice launch day?”

“Yes!” You exclaim “I waited all kriffing year for this!”

“You tricked me” he grumbles, but continues walking along the pathway with you anyway

“I did not, I asked you if wanted to walk somewhere with me” you loop your arm with his and continue walking towards the coffee shop at the end of the block

“You do realize that your precious pumpkin spice is literally just a mix of 5 regular spices that we have at home. I can literally make that for you” he points out

“Yeah, except you don’t. I don’t know why you’re so anti pumpkin spice Wolffe. It’s a source of unending joy for me” you grump, turning into the coffee shop.

“I thought I was your source of unending joy” he teases, even as you’re standing in line to order

“I’m allowed to have multiple sources or unending joy” you say confidently, stepping up to the counter to place your order. “Are you sure you don’t want one?”

He shakes his head with a light laugh “Oh alright”

“Yay! Make it two” you tell the barista

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