#my cat hasn’t been to the vet in almost 2 years and I’ve been losing sleep over it so I booked him in for saturday

[rosabelbelieve]

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[pastel-popplio]

I'm really tired and I need to sleep bc today was draining and I have to get up early and I'll have a busy day tomorrow but I'm worried about a lot right now hhh this last week and a half has been stressful...

My sister's home for break but she's been super hateful to all of us so all of the fighting she does with our parents and the snarky remarks she makes to me have been kicking my anxiety up a lot, plus she's still trying to get out of taking her dog to her room at night so we can finally stop watching her at unholy hours (like she's been pushing back since LAST YEAR) and we still have to push just to get her to do basic household chores so it's mostly been falling on me and my mom

And on top of that my cat Precious has completely changed this last week or two and I know something's wrong but we haven't been able to get him into the vet yet to get looked at. I know all my pets are family to me but he's always been my special baby and it runs so much deeper than that with him, we literally grew up together and I know all of his behaviors and quirks and patterns like the back of my hand, I can read him better than anyone else in this household and my mom knows I'm stressed and is trying to get him in to ease my worries but she and (mostly) my sister keep brushing it off that it's just because he's old (my sister doesn't know anything about caring for pets!). I KNOW he's old, I'm not in denial about that at all, but I've seen a few of our cats die of old age and I know he wouldn't shift so dramatically in a week or two! He always adores my affection and is always trying to snuggle or brush up against me or whine for me to pet him, he licks me and puts a paw on my hand real gently when he wants me to stay put, he always lays in the hall, kitchen or my room, he eats well and always keeps clean, he gets exercise and has always been a strong, healthy big boy (and fyi he's only 13, he still has years left if he's healthy). But lately he's been acting pitiful and just laying around, he hasn't wanted me petting on him at all (he's yet to hiss or outright flinch away, so I was able to feel around, I couldn't find any sores or anything. He just acts irritated and doesn't show any enjoyment, he ignores me and doesn't re-initiate if I scratch his favourite spot and pull away, nothing). He's been spending a lot of time laying in the bathroom (a room he has never wanted to lay in all his life, but three of our other cats spent a lot of time there when they were super sick, which terrifies me). He's been crying almost constantly whenever he sees me, and usually I always know what he wants, but now he doesn't want anything I offer at the time (I can try food, water, treats, toys, and affection and he'll still ignore them all to keep crying). He's always been a little finicky about certain things (specifically whether he wants in or out of the baby gate area that separates the main rooms from the bedrooms), but lately he's driven my entire family (and even me, who has never snapped at him in his life except maybe 2 other times) crazy yowling his head off to cross, only to beg again to leave a literal minute later. And he repeats it over and over, he just doesn't seem to know what he wants at all and seems confused and won't settle down for most of the day. He's been avoiding my bed like the plague until today when he finally slept up there for several hours (and did let me pet him, but he was still a bit iffy on how much cheek rubbing he wanted even tho that's normally what he can't get enough of), but my bed has been his favourite spot for years. He's still eating decently, and drinking, which I guess is good, but like I said the rest of him has changed a lot and something's definitely off because he doesn't act like this and none of our other cats acted like this even when they were sick or half-senile. I'm hoping they can do some scans or something to make sure it isn't some kind of problem with his organs that's hurting him or something, because he's my son and my best friend and I can't imagine life without him when I know he's supposed to have years left. Like I've lost cats before but no matter how close we were it was never a bond like this and I knew I could move on, but with Precious I would honestly be losing a chunk of my soul, he's too important to me and the fact that I don't know how to help him right now is eating me alive...

[moss-sauce]

been tagged by @drdone to do these 92 thingos

LAST:

1. Drink: coca cola

2. Phone call: i had to call my mom because i was Lost in a hobby lobby

3. Text message: text to srah that’s just “rats...we’re the rats...rats...” to bother her

4. Song you listen to: one of the grineer soundtracks looped while i was trying to do chemistry

5. Time you cried: mmlmao last tuesday in the fuckign middle of lab

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: no, i guess almost? but then i put my foot down kind of and said nah

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i only kiss my dog on her head and i never regret it

8. Been cheated on: my cat is fake as hell!! like to snuggle until she had a prime chance to bite your arm and then leave

9. Lost someone special: i mean yeah

10. Been depressed: ?? i don’t know? like i’ll have little funks but they’re nowhere near how bad they were

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: im a babby that hasn’t gotten drunk so no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. blue

13. orange

14. seafoam green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: EYAH

16. Fallen out of love: don’t think so?

17. Laughed until you cried: a few days ago i was talking with srah and drew a very very poorly created baby and was in a pizza place when i sent it so i had to be quiet but i knew she would get mad at it so i was havin a good chuckle

18. Found out someone was talking about you: as in badly? i have no idea but i’m sure it’s happened

20. Found out who your friends are: yaes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: n o

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like a lot of them. maybe only like....a dozen are from online

23. Do you have any pets: we really gonna go there again

24. Do you want to change your name:sometimes i think about it. like “max” is a cool name to me

25. What did you do for your last birthday: i don’t think i did anything because i didn’t feel good

26. What time do you wake up: it depends.. days i have class usually like 8:30 to 8:45 but if i don’t there’s no rhyme or reason so it’s a wild card

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: tryin to stay warm and playin warframe

28. Name something you can’t wait for: i don’t know, gettin a horse?? there’s semi drag races next may so i guess im lookin forward to that a bit too

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 10 minutes ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my house i don’t really care about where it is but the size....bad

31. What are you listening to right now: diesel bros is on tv and i got some cr1tikal videos playing

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: YES last semester my microbiology teacher was named tom

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my brother

34. Most visited website: tungle, the website for my chemistry book, and moodle

35. Mole/s: i have no idea where it’s not a freckle and its considered a mole

36. Mark/s:i got hella freckles and a noticeable scar on my middle finger where i stuck it in a pencil sharpener when i was a kid plus there’s scars all over my arms/knees for various reasons

37. Childhood dream: i went from wanting to be a vet, to being an astronomer, to being a field medic [?], back to being a vet. if we’re talking not careers then it’s still getting a horse

38. Hair color: brown

39. Long or short hair: long and the only thing i’ve EVER done with it is slapping it in a ponytail but i think about how free i would be if i just cut it short

40. Do you have a crush on someone: nah

41. What do you like about yourself: uhhhhhh i notice that i’m patient with stuff

42. Piercings: none

43. Blood type: i’ve no idea dude but i want to know

44. Nicknames: hannah banana/montana, hanners, truck fucker

45. Relationship status: sangle

46. Zodiac: taurus

47. Pronouns: she and her n all that

48. Favorite TV Show: WANDER OVER YONDER i found out all of the first season is onDemand and bout cried

50. Right or left hand: right

51. Surgery: i got my wisdom teeth taken out and it was the most surreal week i lived through

52. Hair dyed in different color:not at all really

53. Sport: is truck/tractor pulling a sport 

55. Vacation: i don’t really know?? i never really thought of places i’d vacay at

56. Pair of trainers: i don’t know what this means so uhh

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: im waiting for some pizza rolls to finish

58. Drinking: coke

59. I’m about to: eat pizza rolls

62. Want: i can’t articulate these things,, i guess want to have at least better finances so our fam would be all okay

63. Get married: idc

64. Career: pathologist!! i guess i’m technically halfway [?] through my program

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs bc they are good

66. Lips or eyes: would prefer if they had both

67. Shorter or taller: taller because i doubt there’s anyone that wouldn’t make me look like an actual baby

68. Older or younger: older?? around the same age i guess

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: arms for giving STRONG hugs and carrying MANY dogs

71. Sensitive or loud: depends on context? like everyday then really sort of sensitive but it’s not bad. if i’m expecting it to be like....continually loud then i’m fine with it too

72. Hook up or relationship: whatever has more hangouts with our dogs

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: ohh hesitant very much so. im a wuss

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor:  no

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i remember losing my purple glasses when i was like 7

77. Turned someone down: ? i guess i don’t know

78. Sex on the first date: no and that is a dealbreaker

79. Broken someone’s heart: not purposefully??

80. Had your heart broken: as in like sad then yes

81. Been arrested: no but i’ve been in a cop car more than once

82. Cried when someone died: i get upset when i see bad accidents on the road so yeah big time

83. Fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: uh

85. Miracles: eyeah

86. Love at first sight: not really??

87. Santa Claus: i know he’s out there.

88. Kiss on the first date: nah

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: @equusoils that binch

91. Eye color: like blue grey

92. Favorite movie: THE IRON GIANT i would watch it every hour for the rest of my life its so good and i love it

tagging uhhh @zangapf @big-stupid-jellyfish @shrubbot @darvobek @biamblonyx and im like half coherent rn so i probably forgot someone but if u wanna do it say i tagged u

[samtheflamingomain]

to care is human

Warning: gruesome descriptions of suicide methods.

So last night I tried to kill myself. Sometimes I wake up knowing it'll be that kind of day, sometimes it creeps up on me. This time was different.

I usually drink a shitload, eat a bunch of sleeping pills and then put a bag over my head and a belt around my neck. It's almost worked a few times, but I usually wake up with a hole in the bag and a terrible headache.

I can't really do that anymore; I can tell it's causing actual brain damage, and I also don't have more than a few sleeping pills at any given time because my psychiatrist instructed the pharmacy to give me my meds weekly.

I was alright until around 4 when I realized I'd be drinking and that it would make a solid week in a row of drinking. Add in the fact that I just put $1200 of cat surgery on my credit card, and by the time I was gulping down an entire bottle of wine in an hour, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that stress me out. I have no money. I hate working. I have no parents. I can’t stop drinking. I have to start working more hours.

I didn't wait long enough after the wine before going to the bar. It was another few beers before it hit me HARD. It takes A LOT for me to feel drunk; I've gotten used to drinking 10 beers to feel tipsy, so I was surprised to be genuinely drunk. Wanting that to continue, I kept at ‘er.

This is a pretty odd story, and I don't remember everything that happened but here's a self-indulgently-long description of it anyway:

I go to the bar after the wine and have about 8 beers (they have a non-standard "mini-pitcher" you can buy, maybe the equivalent of like 3.5 beers?) and I'm talking to another regular who's been trying to get rid of her last kitten for a while. I've always loved this kitten and have considered taking him in for a while now.

So Fran says, "Hey, wanna come over and see him?" and drunk me was like "Fuck yeah, kitties!"

We take a cab to her place, I ogle some felines, then had to walk home. I'm guessing I left her place at around midnight. Why am I guessing? Wellll...

My phone was dead, as I discovered trying to figure out how to get home from her place. I had no idea where I was.

I live at the edge of a very large neighbourhood with a lot of winding, twisting roads. I walked for hours in the freezing cold, crying, stumbling over drunk. I remember laying in grass at some point(s?) and also concrete.

And I remember far too vividly crawling from the sidewalk out to the road and laying down.

I laid there for what felt like hours, screaming at approaching vehicles, "FUCKING KILL ME!" as I bawled my eyes out. None did. Obviously.

I remember distinctly being stood up by a paramedic and escorted into an ambulance. The first thing I said was, "Great, another $40 I can't afford."

I was barely able to give the paramedics answers. I don't remember getting out or how I ended up sleeping on a hospital bed in the mental illness waiting area.

I was woken up at 4 in the morning by a crisis worker. She said "sounds like you had a bad night?" No fuckin shit.

Well, I'm not new to this rodeo. I don't remember much of what was said, but she discharged me as soon as we were done. I have a horrible, infected scrape on my hand that is putting me out of commission at work for at least a week. I can hardly move my hand or lift anything. They tell me to go to a walk-in-clinic.

Buses don't start till 7 on weekends, so I went for my phone to call an Uber. And that’s when I discovered a shitty Android-shaped hole in my pocket.

That's right, for those of you keeping score at home, that's two, count 'em, TWO phones I've lost in the last 4 months! How will he lose the next one??? Vote NOW!!

Anyway, I call a cab from the hospital, get home at around 5, message my coworkers that I can't come in to work, then pass out till 10, the exact time I was supposed to start work. I fire up the ole' Book of Faces and find that the shift has been covered.

I go buy a new phone and (attempt) to go to a clinic for my hand. Literally every clinic in this city is closed because of the stupid long weekend. I was exhausted so I didn't bother going back to the hospital for a scrape.

Then something weird happened. I realized that people actually care. Let me explain.

I fucked up the schedule at work this week by having to take my cat to the vet on Tuesday. I felt HORRIBLE about missing another shift, especially two in one week, and especially because this time it was my own damn fault.

It gets worse. When I was told that the shift had been covered, I wasn't told that it was being covered by Rob, who closed last night (a 4-12 shift). Running on 3 hours of sleep, he came in at 10 and is still there now. He'll be there till 12 again.

So now I feel even more horrible. Dude is working 22 hours in 2 days because of me*.

*Not quite - I'll get to that in a bit.

Without a phone to call my best friend, I felt very lonely when I got home from the hospital. I was still able to talk to my other friend from the States, though, and this is an important difference.

When I try to kill myself and tell Connor after the fact, he rarely reacts. (If I'm on the phone threatening to do it he's much more involved and often talks me down). But with Danny instead, who was extremely worried, I finally felt like someone actually cared after the fact. 

Everyone will care before because death is scary. Few people care after because living is boring.

Danny wasn't the only one. I didn't realize it at the time because I was still a little out of it but when I told my coworker I wouldn't be able to come in, I told her why. I didn't mean to.

She was so understanding about it, told me not to worry, that I could come in for free food if I wanted.

Then, as I began posting on Facebook about my lovely evening, another coworker messaged me - Rob, the one who is a working machine and could probably work 24/7 if necessary. He said he was on a break at Tim Horton's and I should join him.

Kind of worried at this point; I've bailed on 2 shifts in one week, he's got seniority and I singlehandedly* forced him to work a close-to-open-to-close. *Not really. Again, in a minute. Be patient.

To my surprise we just talked, about what happened, about work, about life. At the end of his break he says to come hang out at work.

The concept of "hanging out" coming together with the concept of "work" had never really made much sense to me because I hate working. But I realized that I hate working, not the work itself, not the place and not the people.

So I go to work and... hang out. I try helping when I can but quickly realize my hand is going to be a problem, probably for a very long time. I can't lift much with it and I have a very limited range of motion; it wasn't just due to the scrape, it was also because I'd used it to break a fall. It's not the worst thing, but it does affect nearly every aspect of making pizzas.

Anyway, I shoot the shit with Alycia and Rob and Lily and nobody's mad at me and the store's a mess but it doesn't matter. *And that's when I'm told that 4 people are out of town, and the other morning person wouldn't message back or pick up the phone all day.* It wasn't completely my fault, so I felt a little better.

Then a few things happened.

First, Anthony showed up for his shift at 4. I really like Anthony: he's a hard worker, nice, funny and a little awkward in the same way that I am. Unfortunately, he only works one night a week, and I've only worked with him twice. He talks with Rob as they count the till and I assume Rob's telling him the reason the dough still hasn't been finished at 4pm (me).

Well, he didn't. I take my glove and bandage off my hand to redo it and he goes "Damn, what happened?" I say, "From last night."

"What happened last night?" 

I kind of stare at him for a minute. "Didn't Rob tell you?"

"No, what?"

"I tried to kill myself."

His face falls. I can tell he's starting to wear his awkward face. Many people react differently to this news based on relationship level and experience. When I told Danny, one of my closest friends, he was worried and upset. When I told Anthony, a work acquaintance I barely knew, he had a few moments of awkward "No, hey, that's no good, don't do that" before he suddenly opened his arms for a hug.

I'm a bad hugger. I usually just stand there as the other person does all the hugging. This is because my parents would only ever hug me when they were done yelling at me and had forced me to apologize for something I hadn’t done wrong.

I hugged him back, and I almost started crying. It was the first real hug I'd gotten probably in my entire life. By 'real' I mean for the hugger. He did the socially obligatory thing of pretending suicide isn't as serious as it is before he couldn't keep the charade up. That part of the reaction wasn't real. The hug was real.

Anyway. As Anthony arrives, Alycia leaves. As she's waiting by the door for her ride, she says lots of stuff people say to the suicidal, and also indicates that her boyfriend and herself have had their share of mental illness.

Then she tells me that her second cousin commited suicide. She says he did it because he thought no one would care. "It was sixteen years ago and the family has never been the same. People care. We would all care."

I'd heard it a thousand times before but never really believed it, either because it was being said by someone who probably wouldn't care after a week, or because it's said by someone who is socially obliged to at least pretend to care, so I assume they are just pretending.

But between Danny, a close friend but whom I've never met in person, and my coworkers, who, until now, I wouldn't have called friends at all, I feel like I've "realized" that people really do care.

Something I've never really felt before. Thanks, parents.

Anyway, long story, I know, but a happy-ish ending? Who knows. Still pretty fucking depressed but not suicidal. I don’t know if this will prevent me from trying again, but it might, and that’s better than nothing.

Stay Greater.