guilt // f.odair
[1/3] Long. this was queued, idk if I've already promised another character before this is out.
Finnick Odair + fem!reader. Warnings : Cuss words, SFW but discretion advised, mature themes.
Desc. : But is it in his nature?
You do NOT have permission to repost and/or translate any of my fics.
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'Suck on his sellout cock, go ahead', your mind taunts you as you traipse behind him into the Victor's Village, a place where you simultaneously hoped you'd live and you'd never step into again.
See, Finnick had always dominated your childhood.
You grew up watching him charm the nation, be welcomed back to the District like he was God.
One of your biggest flexes was that you got to see him in person in a parade once, when he'd come back from one of his many Capitol visits.
However. That all changed once you became fifteen. Because you'd finally got some fucking sense and realized that the people at the Capitol, the Hunger Games, none of it was fair, it was all fucking shit.
And you hated Finnick all the more for it.
Prancing around, doing promotions, adverts, sending children to die, being the Capitol's bitch. You'd narrowly escaped your last chance to be reaped, but you still wished he'd choke on his ridiculously expensive Capitol meal.
You couldn't respect him.
But. But, it wasn't like you'd ever tell him that, though. Because when Finnick Odair talks to you, you fucking talk back.
And when he tells you he wants you to come back home with him after seeing you by the ocean one night, you go, no matter how much you'd rather fucking kill yourself.
"This is my house.", he smiles, and waits expectantly, as if you're supposed to applaud.
"It's nice."
He doesn't look disappointed or surprised at that. In fact, he seems mildly entertained. "Get in."
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"And then, maybe, just bring your hand up the side of your leg? Yeah, yeah, just like that. Okay, yeah, sweetheart, that's it."
Click.
"And this is for..."
"Modelling."
"For the Capitol?"
"Who else?"
You raise a brow, your mind immediately picturing some rhinestone encrusted Capitol asshole getting off to a picture of you. You shudder.
"I'm joking. It's for me."
"For you?"
"Feel free to look around.", he says, offhandedly, as he looks through the camera at all the pictures he'd just clicked of you. "Maybe something will catch your fancy."
"You brought me here to... take pictures of me and... let me take whatever I want from your house?"
"I'm a weirdo, sweetheart."
"What will you do with the pictures?"
"I dunno. Can't publish them anywhere. I guess I'll just use them.", he mutters, more to himself than you, but you catch it. He looks up and then clarifies, "To improve my photography skills."
Thank fuck.
"Why me?"
"You're a good subject."
Your fingers move almost fluidly past various things, bottles of expensive liquor, watches, jewellery that he probably stole from his long list of Capitol lovers, and a single, slightly pathetic looking conch.
"I'm a subject? Like... math?"
He snorts. It's condescending, he's aware - there's no way you'd know. You've never been out of the District.
"It's photography lingo. A subject is who you're taking photos of. You have the correct facial structure for my lighting to illuminate you how I want it to. Hence, you're a good subject."
"Oh."
He continues flicking through photos and adjusting the background, taking a few trial shots with the result of his tinkering, until he seems to notice that you haven't spoken in a while. "You like the conch?"
"It's pretty."
"So are you."
You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Ugh. There he goes again, back to Finnick Odair, Capitol man-whore instead of Finnick, photo geek.
You turn to him. "How much did it cost? Twice the wine?"
"I didn't buy it. I found it, back when I was eleven."
"You've had it for almost a decade?"
He licks his lips, his hands pausing their scrolling of the camera's gallery for a moment. "I guess it has been a decade."
"What was it like, though? When you won?"
"Won? Won what?"
"The Games."
"Oh. Uh... bittersweet."
"Bitter? Why would it be bitter?"
"You ask a lot of questions. Sit down."
You know the truth. He just didn't want to admit that there was nothing bitter going on. He won because he was hot, and now, he continued reaping the benefits of his genetic lottery win.
You sit, still looking up at him as he comes to kneel in front of you, turning his camera to you. "What do you think?"
The pictures he's taken of you have an unsettling ethereality to them. In one, you're looking out the window with your back to the camera, your outfit hidden by a rose he'd apparently been holding in front of the camera.
A white rose.
It featured in every fucking picture, so much so that you almost asked him about it. Key word : almost.
In one of the more lighthearted ones, the rose sat in your mouth.
"They're pretty nice."
"Is your vocabulary limited to those two words? Pretty. Nice."
"I don't know what else to say."
He regards your face for a moment - like, really fucking observes you - before fiddling with some knob on the camera. "Take off your clothes."
That shouldn't have surprised you as much as it did.
"What?"
He looks up, confused. "Take off your clothes and I'll take some pictures."
"What? No."
"You don't want to? But you were okay with all the previous pictures."
"Yeah, because I was clothed."
"Being unclothed is a problem for you? Being exposed? Hm? That bothers you?"
What?!
"I- look, man, I'm not trying to offend you."
"But you are. You said you'd let me take photos of you. You are not your clothes, are you? You are your self, your soul, your body."
"Yeah, but I'm just not comfortable."
'Y'know what, sweetheart, people do shit they're not comfortable with all the fucking time. Twenty-five/eight. If you can't deal with it, you're weak. Take. It. Off."
You had a feeling there was another reason he was so angry about your non-compliance, but you didn't push it.
"Please don't make me do this."
"Fine! FUCK! Am I asking you to suck my cock? Huh? I could, y'know that? I could've, but no, I asked you to help me make art, and you chickened out!", he yells, his finger scarily close to poking your eye.
Finnick Odair was no longer pissing you off.
Finnick Odair was genuinely scaring you.
"Just get out.", he mutters, setting his camera down in defeat on his couch. "Get out, seriously."
You don't even have two seconds of backing-away-time before he stops you again. "What if I killed your family?"
That scares you more. "What?"
"What if I killed your family? Or at least, threatened to? Would you do it? Would you?", he asks, and now, he's not angry at you, or frustrated, he's more desperate, frantic, as if your answer would shake his fucking world.
As if your answer would change his self perception.
"Please don't kill my family."
"Would you suck my cock if I threatened to kill your family, Y/N?!"
"YES!", you scream, flinching, almost. "Yes! I would, but please, PLEASE don't!"
Finnick Odair gazes back at you with relief, and you want to strangle him. "You would, wouldn't you? You'd do unspeakable things for your family, yes?"
Well, of course.
"Things that would make your skin crawl. Not just because you love them, but because you're responsible for them. Because you got yourself into this mess."
He's no longer talking to or about you, that much is clear.
"And it's up to you to keep them away from it."
Slowly backing away, you try your hardest not to show up in his peripheral, to make sure he stays in whatever zone he's in.
But he is Finnick Odair. So he doesn't even look up at you as he instructs you. "Don't take the conch." Like stealing from him was the first thing on your mind.
"Wasn't planning to."
"Don't tell anyone about today."
"Wasn't planning to."
"Stay."
Wasn't planning to.
"I'm sorry, Y/N. Please. Stay."
The apology only solidifies your urge to stab him in the gut. "I have to get home."
"I didn't mean stay the night. I don't want you staying the night."
Finnick Odair, as you had begun to gather, was debilitatingly honest.
"I just mean stay for a while. Have dinner and then go."
"Dinner?"
"Yes, dinner. I have turkey from the Capitol."
"What's that?"
"It's a kind of bird. It's just like chicken but better."
"What's chicken?"
"Another kind of bird."
"Oh."
He frowns at you for a moment. "You're not okay with eating birds, are you?"
"They're just... very rare, so I don't see why you have to kill them."
He sighs, looking around the room in deep thought. "I could make fish. You know fish. You like fish."
You do know fish. You do like fish. You nod.
~~~~
Finnick's fish is unlike any you've ever fucking eaten.
Living in District 4, you'd figured you'd had fish every way it could be cooked. But no.
You can't help but take more. And more. And more. You weren't hungry, and momentarily felt guilt, thinking about kids in the other districts who were, but it was divine and you couldn't bring yourself to care much.
"You like that?", he asks, from opposite you, raising a brow in amusement.
"It's really fucking good."
He whistles lowly. "Ooh, nice, vocabulary expansion. So you do cuss. I was afraid I'd corrupted you with my rough Capitol language.", he muses, looking at your plate. "You have room for dessert?"
"Doesn't everyone, always?"
He nods. "That's fair. Cake?"
CAKE? This Capitol whore managed to bring cake back to District 4?
"Sure."
That was divine, too.
"You like that, too?"
"Yeah. It's really good. The Capitol has it really good."
"The Capitol is filled with cunts who throw up food because they want to taste more."
Was that... disdain? Interesting.
"Well, seeing as you spend most of the year there, I just thought..."
He stands, clearing the plates. "What? That I was one of them?"
You watch him go into the kitchen, taking a sip of water as you do. "No, just that... no, yeah, I did."
"It's okay, I get that a lot. I just... I gotta go, do these promotions, adverts. I have to. I made a deal."
You sigh, standing and pushing the dining table chair back to its original position. "Contract?"
He clenches his jaw momentarily, before nodding, his shoulders tense. "Yeah. Sm'n like that.", he grins, his dimples emerging once more. Thirteen year old you would have swooned and fainted and died.
Eighteen year old you just lets him lead you to the door.
"I'm leaving for the Capitol tomorrow. Along with the tributes from this year."
Why he's telling you this, you have no clue.
"You should come and wave me off."
"Do we know each other well enough for that?"
"No, but I know you know the tributes well. One of them goes to school with you, doesn't she?"
Yes. Little Faye.
"Yes, she's in the eighth grade. I used to tutor her."
The reality hits. She will probably never be able to high-five you when she gets a question right again.
"You should give her courage.", he suggests. "Going in thinking you're going to die will get you killed. Let her know she can make it."
"Can she?", you ask, quietly. The answer will ruin you, you can tell.
"She's a Career."
"Yes, but can she?"
"Chances are slim." Finnick fucking Odair. Finnick "debilitatingly honest" fucking Odair. "I won't tell her that, though."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Finnick."
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His hands grip your chin and you swear you're about to kill him. You look up at him, hanging out the open door of the train carriage and holding onto you, and you're half tempted to pull him down with you because what the fuck was he doing?
You can feel it coming, the urge to slap him away, but then again, it's still Finnick FUCKING Odair, and you're not sure if there's a law against rejecting his advances.
So you just kind of let him kiss you. It's not bad, no, far from it, it's just... unexpected.
Considering it's in front of every camera in the district.
Considering you'd only known each other one night.
Considering his last words were 'you're the only thing I care about.'
Considering he said your full name an unsettling amount of times.
Considering little Faye was watching and wondering why you were calm enough to be making out with some hot guy instead of sending her off.
Considering now the entirety of Panem was either going gush at you or rush at you.
~~~~
You can't bring yourself to watch the news.
Everyone assumes it's because of Finnick.
But, ironically, Finnick's the only one who knows it's not.
It's because of Faye.
"Finnick's on TV.", you're informed at least twice an hour.
"'Kay.", is your usual response. "Faye?"
"I'm sure Finnick trained her well. And besides, the 11th is this weekend! You'll find out."
Right. You'd been invited by Snow him-fucking-self to the Capitol. Apparently, the cameras outside your house weren't enough. He needed you there, with Finnick, for promos. While children were dying.
You receive gifts from your family, your neighbours, your teachers - basically anyone you'd breathed around - for your journey to the Capitol, as if you're going to some dreamland.
As you ride the train, your head against the seat, you try to imagine this is the train that leads you out of District 4. Your family will be waiting at the destination - in your head, an actual dreamland - and you'll be fine and dandy.
As you're escorted out, you imagine you're hanging from the ceiling in full display on the TV instead of Faye having to go through the Games.
And as you're directed to Finnick's room, you imagine slitting his throat. It's funny. You almost laugh. Then, the door opens.
Dimples.
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"How is it you've never worn lip tint before?", he mutters, tutting as if you'd just misspelled a basic word. "C'mon, pucker up.", he instructs, his thumb smearing red on your lips.
You have no idea what you look like and you're not sure if you want to find out. "I thought you were a merchant."
You shake your head. "No, I said I live by the merchant sector of 4."
"Not in it?"
"Of course not. Why would I have been picking seashells to make necklaces out of if I were a merchant? I just sell shit in the marketplace. Doesn't make me a merchant."
"I mean, technically... yeah, it does.", he says, his thumb accidentally slipping and smudging your makeup over the left of your cheek.
"Right, well, I'm not merchant class.', you shrug, trying to wipe the results of idiocy that was Finnick Odair off the side of your cheek.
Finnick... seems to get it. He nods along as he continues trying to de-plague your face with makeup.
Guilt is etched on his face. Regret, a tiny bit. Sadness, festering throughout.
"What's that look?"
He doesn't seem like he's out of whatever thought he was in moments ago when he hums in response, before quickly leaping towards his bedside and taking his camera, holding his thumb next to your bottom lip, with your still messy lip tint just about seen. Click.
"What's that look?", you repeat.
"What look?"
"That one.", you say, pointing to his face as if he can see it.
"That's my sorry look. I shouldn't have sprung the kiss on you. It was a dick move.", he says, gently moving behind you and guiding your shoulders to manoeuver you to face the mirror.
He says it as if he already knows you'll forgive him.
Yes, you do. But it irks you that he seems to assume that.
"Yes, it was."
"I'm sorry. What do you think?"
"I look like the 12 escort."
"Trinket? No, no way. You look great.", he assures, and you try to believe him, but you haven't seen yourself in makeup before and it doesn't look as though it's you standing there.
"Beautiful.", he says, as an afterthought, almost, as if he were trying out the word to see if it sounded right or not. He seems to decide on the former. "Beautiful.", he repeats, nodding.
That gets your attention and you take a second glance, and suddenly, you see what he sees. The makeup isn't subtle and hidden, but it isn't what the Capitol wears. It's... pleasant.
He brushes some hair in front of your shoulders. "See? Beautiful.", he reiterates, like he can't get enough of that word now.
"You sure I'll fit in here like this? Like... dressed up?"
"Yeah.", he says, vehemently nodding before doing that thing when he looked in your eyes again. "Well, mostly. I mean, I'd prefer it if you had the easiest time possible, 'cause I kinda got you into this mess."
You nod. That checks out. "Thanks."
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The night sees you staring at the ceiling while Finnick breathes softly in sleep beside you. It's pleasant. Domestic, almost. Like what Finnick wants, you think. Like the Capitol believes, you know.
He shifts and your eyes snap shut. Why you're so afraid of him finding out that you are awake, you don't know, but you are. He reaches out, his knuckles grazing your cheek with enough purpose that you realize he wasn't asleep in the first place, either.
And then he does it.
His hand reaches out, gently feeling around for your hand, before he grips the middle three fingers on your left.
He squeezes them softly, then brings them to his chest, where his own hand lays. That's it.
You watch him actually sleep until he mumbles, shifting again. 'Y/N?"
"Yeah?", you respond immediately, kicking yourself internally. Cover blown.
"Can't sleep?"
"No."
"Scared?"
"Mhm."
"Of the photos we took today? I promise, the makeup isn't bad, and you won't have to take any more - they'll publish them and pass them off as taken over a few months, so it's not-"
"No, for Faye."
Silence. "Oh."
"I feel like I didn't get to even tell her how well she's going to do."
"You can see her."
You can what?
"When?"
"Well, not in person, but we can watch the live feed of the Gam-"
"Yes. Yes, please, thank you.'
He sits up, rubbing his eyes. "Really?"
"Yes. Yes, absolutely. When can we?"
"Well, technically, it's always streaming, so I, I guess we can go now."
You nod.
He raises a brow as if he never expected you to agree. "Okay, uh, just, uh... gimme a second to wake up, okay?"
He comes out of the bathroom after washing his face to find you pacing, biting the inside of your cheek. "C'mon."
~~~~
The Viewing Room is desolate except for a few Gamemakers' Assistants (GAs), that have to watch footage 24/7.
"We have to record these things all the time, just in case something happens during the cover of nightfall", he explains, as he walks in front of you and gestures to the large screen in the opposite side of the room. "Usually, the stronger Careers, from 1 or 2-", he cuts himself off. That was not what you needed to be hearing right now.
He watches as you slowly walk up to the screen, as though the soft glow from it could lead you to Faye. Your eyes dart around the entirety of the enormous screen, looking for something - anything - to announce you of Faye's survival.
"She is still alive. You'd have heard a cannon and seen a picture of her if not."
It's not the most comforting thing he can say. He's usually better at this. God, if he didn't miss his old self, but the guilt of essentially using you to keep Snow's interest off his family and on you, the - to the extent of Snow's knowledge, anyway - love of his life, isn't exactly letting him be warm and inviting to you.
But he wants to. Let it be known, he wants nothing more than to do what he usually does. Brighten people up.
"Where is she?"
"WE'VE GOT A RUNNER!", calls one of the GAs and your head snaps to a blue triangle tracking one of the tributes on the screen, and you run over to that side of the massive screen.
The lights come on in the room, and people flood in. Sponsors, gamblers, Gamemakers. Because this is prime TV. He imagines every screen in the country lighting up, because you have to watch. Every child has just been woken up because the feed's back on.
"Who's the runner?", someone asks, and Finnick turns to you, diligently tracking the blue triangle with your eyes. Blue. Ocean. District 4. It's Faye.
"Girl from Four. The boy's already dead."
"How much did I have on her?"
"Oh, c'mon, you didn't have shit on her! No one thought she'd make it this far."
"Fine, fine, but now how much?"
The sounds of cruelty almost have him zoning out, going back into Capitol-Party-Finnick-Mode. That is, until, you call him.
"Finnick?"
He rushes to your side, a guilt induced speed to his gait. "Yeah, y'okay?" No the fuck she isn't. What the fuck is wrong with him?
"Who's the gold triangle chasing her?" Gold. Luxury. District 1. CAREER.
"Uh..." Deliver it softly. Sweetly.
"Unless she's a shapeshifter, the girl's DEAD!", laughs one of the sponsors. "It's my tribute, the Career boy from 1 chasin' her, with... wait, zoom in? Oh, yeah, a dagger!"
Your eyes widen and Finnick wants to kill himself. "She'll be fine. She can swim, he..."
Can also swim. Fuck.
"... he won't be able to keep up with her." , he says, finally.
Partially true. District 1 Careers didn't have access to the ocean, not like those from 4, so it was very much possible that he wasn't trained to know about tides and currents and shit.
There's a moment where no one in the room says anything. Because they both just jumped into the water, and Faye went under.
Finnick holds your head to his chest as you cling onto him in fear. It's not even remotely close to making up for what he's planning to put you through - well, already putting you through - but he at least feels a bit like the old him. The one who could actually comfort.
The tribute from 1 splashes around a bit, looking for Faye. You've turned a bit now, your head's still in his chest, but half your face is facing the screen. You're watching, anxious as ever.
"She's not drowned.", he mutters, stupidly. Duh.
"What if something pulled her under?"
Oh fuck. Yeah. Valid point.
"I'm sure it's just a strategy."
One that he remembers teaching her.
Maybe if she uses this and beats this District 1 Career, he could be one more step closer to gaining your forgiveness, and his redemption.
For a crime that the victim wasn't even aware was being committed.
The Career flounders around a bit more, screaming, clearly, but the audio is muted here. He looks around, not willing to look under, in case that might trigger the release of any muttations the Capitol cooked up for them.
And then, he's tugged a bit, his leg down, and he springs away from the motion. Please be Faye. Please be Faye.
He's jerked fully under, and a splash of Faye's hair can be seen before both disappear underneath the midlly murky waters, a struggle very evident in the way the water's splattering about.
Suddenly, it stops.
Faye leaps exhaustedly onto the bank, gasping for breath.
A cannon goes off. Florian Jentry. District 1 , Luxury. Score : 10.
Finnick holds onto you tighter as you sigh in relief. He softly kisses your hair because he doesn't know what else to do.
Relief is the only possible emotion to feel.
No one's happy. No one's sad. You're only either relieved that your loved one isn't gone, or relieved that they're not gone in a torturous way.
Wait, scratch that. The patron who just bet on Faye is happy.
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