#my caloric intake is that low bc i have days where i dont take more than like 4000 steps btw i just do not feel hungry those days

[sewergirls]

I weighed myself today and I supposedly gained 10 more lbs

[iloveallmyexes]

ok this is gonna be a lot bc a lot happened this week tw: calorie counting, sexual language

ok so lets start with the positives! i had a rly good week restricting aka fasting and going to the gym. i started taking a new anxiety medication on top of my other two prescriptions but ive already noticed that im not as nervous in public, which is amazing! i went to the beach yesterday which was really fun! i also got 3 of the small squishmallows! i got a stone buddha, a lightbulb, and a hamsa! they r so cute!

ok now for the times i stressed over food this week. i hung out w a friend and we were talking and bonding over our issues w binging. the only difference is i dont really think she has issues restricting. im not invalidating her struggles with food though. i only mention this bc we both were hungry as fuck bc we were talking abt food and then she suggests we get krispy kreme….…… so im like…… haha ok…. and so we both look at the menu. shes looking at it to see which one looks yummiest to her and im fucking frantically opening and closing tabs looking at nutrition facts of every item on the menu with my screen brightness low as fuck so she cant see. and then she says “should i get one donut or two” and a lightbulb turned on in my head! i said “ill get one of the donuts u want and give u half” she said “no u should eat a whole donut bc u deserve to eat a whole donut” i was so faded i shouldnt have said that bc it probably made her feel bad. but like???? how am i going to justify all those calories to myself? one donut is more than my average daily caloric intake. i decided to get donut holes since theyre 45 cal each and i was just going to eat one or two and order an iced black coffee ofc but there was a rly long line so we ended up going to carls jr bc we both hadnt had dinner (or breakfast or lunch muahaha) and we were gonna go to in n out and i was going to get a veggie burger w no spread, add chopped chilis BUT my friend has never had carls jr and there was one across the street and idk we ended up going and ugh im still upset over this shit. i ate a whole burger and a small fry. i thought i was going to throw up on the spot. anyways i went home and went on a full binge. and by that i mean, i had a candy bar, a chicken wing, and a diet coke. idk it was just all junk food i rly felt gross but eating the hamburger made me remember how good food can taste and being full makes me feel complete but also that was my first time being high in a while so realistically i just had the munchies. anyways. the next day was fine. i got poke for lunch i wanted to fast bc of how bad my binge was but i was out w my family. it had spring mix, radish, cucumber, spicy tuna, shrimp, seaweed salad, and wasabi and i gave half to my mom. i was busy yesterday so i didnt track my calories for lunch and honestly im so stressed abt that shit im gonna do that right after i post this. ok and then my friends and i went to a pho place for dinner and i got fried tofu. i only ate 2 and i was genuinely still full from lunch and they were so oily i hated myself for it. and then i had a fucking churro at the beach. im so embarrassed at how fast i ate that shit. like….. :( and then my friend wanted to go to mcdonalds! so ofc i couldnt resist and i ordered a 4 piece mcnugget happy meal. my friend ordered a sprite and a 10 piece mcnugget but they messed up and so we only got the 4 piece and a medium sprite. so i gave her 2 of my nuggets which was perfect actually. i still felt rly gross when i got home. both nights i wanted to purge but there was no where for me to do it. i couldnt do it in front of my friend and i couldnt do it at home bc i wouldve woken up my family. i thought abt purging in a random parking lot on the way home but it was 2 am and i didnt wanna get kidnapped. i weighed myself this morning though and i still lost a pound so yeah idk maybe i was stressed over nothing lol

ok now for the weird shit. i have this friend who is queer and im the last person to think someone who is attracted to girls is automatically attracted to me. but. they made me so uncomfortable last night. before we picked them up my other friend told me that theyve talked abt my body multiple times when i wasnt around or said it quietly enough so i wouldnt hear… and like i feel like thats disrespectful to me as a friend. so anyways we were talking and someone said “group sex” and that friend says “i like group sex? yall arent down huh” and i know its a joke but they do that shit all the time. they’ll make a suggestive comment, hoping we’ll take their bait even though im straight. and then at the restaurant we were seated at the table and that friend stood up and was like “sorry are my boobs in your face haha” …….. im sorry but like imagine a straight guy has a queer friend who did the same shit but was like “sorry is my dick in ur face haha” thats just uncomfortable for anyone, especially if that person has already made it clear that they are sexually attracted to you. at that point i was just grossed out. my other friend told me that they made up a story abt me just to talk abt how big my titties are. they said that i have to squeeze through the door to their balcony bc i have big titties but ive never even been on their balcony. its just creepy. honestly i dont like the way i look at all but i think there are ppl who are attracted to me and they show it to me in weird ways and i think they think bc i maintain my friendliness towards them, that they might have a chance w me. my brothers friends go to our gym and apparently one of them said that their other friend said i was pretty. which is just weird and idk why they would tell my brother that someone said that abt me. and then his other friend said that he thought i liked him bc i was “giving off a vibe” and “giggling” its so fucking gross it makes me wanna never leave my room. one time i was hanging out w my friend and his friend and another girl and afterwards i was trying to tell this guy that he’s too clingy for something thats supposed to be casual and he was like “but we went on a double date” i didnt know the other two ppl were a couple. i thought we were just grabbing lunch. its weird. one time i was hooking up w a 30 yr old who gave me free weed and then he told me he loved me after we fucked. it was gross. idk where im going w this i just have been thinking a lot abt how ppl perceive me lately.