#my brain went places this morning oh lawdy hahahahaha

[heylittleriotact]

I get that the Araj confession is not as well liked by most people as the Raphael one because it’s easy to interpret Astarion telling Tav/Durge that he slept with them for protection in a really aloof, “haha it’s so funny” tone complete with giggling as well… disingenuous, and I GET THAT because it definitely comes across as a bit callous and mean-spirited. But it’s also a huge tell of how fucked up Astarion is and the first time I saw it, it actually made me pretty sad because I can relate.

I’ve been told on more than one occasion by more than one therapist that I’m HILARIOUS. I’m witty, and engaging, and can captivate with my ability to articulate my experiences into words. But I do this thing that they pick up on almost right away, and that thing is that when I am talking about a topic that’s sad, upsetting, or has to do with a traumatic experience… I tend to laugh. And then they ask me why, and I say “because it makes it feel less fucked up if I can laugh about it, and I don’t have to outwardly address how actually fucked up what I just said is.” And then they nod and scribble more notes - likely about avoidant coping mechanisms. After it was brought to my attention that I did this, it was CRAZY to me how often I caught myself doing it. I still do it. It’s 100% my go to coping mechanism and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop. It’s just part of me and I’m fine with it.

So anyway, I don’t think Astarion is deliberately being a bit of a dick when he makes light of seducing his lover during the Araj confession. I think that admitting it is actually very painful for him so he wraps that pain in laughter to a) take some of the edge off, and b) protect himself because if he’s laughing, that means to an outward observer, he’s fine and totally not vulnerable at all.

Just my take on that scene. It made me feel the feelings in a big way.