#my body is legitimately vibrating with a need to be outside and fall and eat dirt and crusty leaves

[coldnutparadise]

bro what the hell is w autumn, why am i induced with a great and violent desire to go running into the woods like it isn't cold af n whatever degrees-

[i-am-out-of-my-vulcan-mind]

To Forgive and Forget - Chapter 10

😱😱 Well here it is!

I’ve finally finished! It’s only taken me nearly a year. Thank you to everyone who has been patient and stuck with me for the duration of this fic. I’m sorry for any pain I may have caused 😂

Big massive thanks to @lurkingwhump. Without you I never would have managed to complete a fic like this. Thank you for the hours of research and plotting. I glove you. 

Please let me know what you think ❤️

It had been a week since Jane had woken up in the ICU, a fortnight since she had been shot. Her levels had remained steady, the doctors happy with her progress. She had slept most of the time, trying to rest as much as possible to regain her strength. She and Kurt had spoken a little more about their argument, trying to clear the air as best as possible. 

Kurt had said “clean slate” but Jane still worried that their insecurities would lead them to destruction. 

She apologized again for sleeping with Clem while she had been on the run. Knowing how badly she had hurt Kurt by cheating on him, she wanted nothing more than to heal his pain, especially when it had taken her a couple of years to actually say how sorry she was. 

It was morning, Jane sat up in bed, a pillow between her ribcage and elbow for support. She was picking at her breakfast, waiting for Doctor Thompson to come in on his morning rounds. 

Kurt sat next to her side, frowning at her lack of effort on the food in front of her. She was yet to regain her appetite, still complaining of nausea and stomach upset. She was on antiemetics four times a day, but they barely seemed to scrape the surface. 

The first time she had tried to eat anything, she had ended up in a vortex of pain and sickness, as her stomach rejected the food. She had never felt agony like that before, and she was too anxious to try again. 

Doctor Thompson entered the room at that point, his own face mirroring Kurt’s concerned expression. 

“How’s my favourite patient this morning?” he asked, sitting on the end of the bed. 

Jane shrugged, wincing slightly at the gesture. She was still in a lot of discomfort, especially when she made any sudden movements. 

“Still not eating?” the doctor asked kindly, yet rhetorically. 

Jane chewed on her bottom lip, before shaking her head softly. 

“Jane, you really need to eat to regain your strength. You’re not going to heal if your body doesn’t have the fuel it needs.”

Jane sighed, feeling defeated. She wanted to get better, truly, but she was so worried that her body would reject the food again. The severe onslaught of pain that had come with the vomiting, had lasted a couple of hours. She just wasn’t sure she could handle that again.  

“I’m still just feeling sick.” she said in a small voice. 

The doctor reached out and placed his hand on her shin. The three of them had grown quite friendly over the last week, so the gesture was acceptable.  

“Jane if you don’t start eating, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put you on a feeding tube.”

Jane grimaced at that. The thought of how intrusive that would be had her shuddering internally. 

“I had come here in the hopes you had gotten your appetite back… your levels are remaining strong… you are showing a remarkable recovery rate. I was hoping to kick you out to gen pop today.” the doctor joked. 

Jane’s eyes widened at that. She knew that she would be in hospital for a while yet, but she desperately wanted to get out of the ICU. She wanted to be able to go outside, maybe go for a short walk - have a fricken shower. 

The doctor looked at her plate expectantly. 

Jane sighed, before picking up a piece of dry toast, and bringing it tentatively to her mouth. 

“Your stomach is going to be irritated for a start.” Doctor Thompson warned. “The more you eat, the less unwell you will feel.”

Jane took a small bite, chewing slowly. The toast tasted like saw dust in her mouth. She swallowed thickly, allowing the food to hit her stomach before taking another small bite. She did this until she had finished a whole piece of toast. 

Her stomach grumbled unhappily at the sudden intrusion of substance. 

She let out a long breath of air, trying to control her sudden queasiness. 

“Have some water.” the doctor said, handing her the cup. “It will help.”

She took a couple of mouthfuls, before laying back against the pillows, one hand resting on her upset belly. 

“You ok baby?” Kurt murmured, holding her other hand. 

Jane didn’t answer for a moment, before nodding. 

“I don’t think it’s going to make a reappearance.” she said, her voice relieved. 

The doctor nodded and then smiled. 

“Good. If you manage to eat your lunch without any mishaps, then I’ll look at moving you into the Progressive Care Unit.”

Jane reached out and took another drink of water. 

“Thank you.” she whispered, her exhaustion taking over. 

“Get some rest.” Doctor Thompson instructed, patting her on the leg again. “I’ll be back to see you this afternoon.”

Kurt stood and shook the Doctor’s hand. 

“Thanks doc.” he said, relieved. No amount of coaxing had encouraged Jane to eat, so he was thankful the doctor had found a way. 

He sat back beside his wife, taking her hand.

“Do you feel a bit better now you’ve eaten?” he asked softly. 

Jane nodded. The initial queasiness of ingesting her first solid food in days, seemed to be passing. 

He smiled warmly at her, leaning forward to kiss her on the forehead. 

The nurse came by at that point to administer her pain relief, antibiotics and antiemetics. 

He watched her eyes grow heavy - as they always did after her medication. 

“Rest, Jane.” he said softly. “Hopefully when you wake you’ll be able to move out of here.”

Jane smiled at that, before allowing herself to fall into a healing sleep, feeling better than she had in days. 

0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°

Kurt watched his wife sleeping, feeling proud as punch. She had managed to eat a light lunch and Doctor Thompson had happily transferred her to the Progressive Care Unit. She no longer needed to be in the ICU, but she still wasn’t quite ready to be moved to a standard surgical ward. She still needed to be monitored closely, and any sudden change would land her straight back in the ICU. 

He couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as he watched the steady rise and fall of her chest. They had removed the humidified oxygen, switching it for a standard nasal cannula. She looked peaceful in her sleep, her expression one of relief. 

Kurt knew that being transferred from the ICU had lifted the weight off of her chest. She liked to be able to see progress and this was a positive step forward. 

He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Pulling it out he looked at the caller ID, before quickly leaving the room to allow his wife to sleep. 

“Patterson.” he answered the phone. “What have you got for me.”

“Hey Kurt.” she replied. “First off, how's Jane doing?”

“Better.” Kurt said, and couldn’t help it when the corners of his mouth started lifting again. “They’ve transferred her out of the ICU, and she managed to eat something.”

He heard Patterson’s sigh of relief. 

“That’s great news.” she said softly. 

Kurt heard her hesitate on the end of the line. 

“What is it?” he asked, going into agent mode.

“I know who did the cover up on Anna Lee.”

“Ok?” he asked. He didn’t like the nervousness in her voice. 

“It was Mayfair.”

Kurt’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Mayfair?” he asked incredulously. 

“It was because of Daylight. I speculated at the start and from the intel I’ve gathered, Mayfair was using Daylight to gather information on the Mob. She was trying to get one up on them.”

“So what happened?” Kurt asked, pacing up the hallway. 

“Well when Daylight went bust, all the information she had gathered on Anna Lee could no longer be used… she had to clean everything up, fast. The files got redacted and Anna Lee was set free.”

Kurt exhaled slowly, sitting on a chair in the hallway and hung his head sadly. 

“I honestly think it was just bad timing.” Patterson replied quietly, hearing his sigh. “The system went down before she had gained enough legitimate intel to pin anything on her.”

Kurt sighed. 

“Thank you for letting me know.”

“I thought you deserved the truth.” Patterson said softly. “Give my best to Jane.” she said, before hanging up. 

Kurt pocketed his phone, running his hand over the scruff of his face. He needed a shave. The toll of the last few weeks was beginning to show. He could feel the fatigue settling like lead in his muscles. 

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. So it had been Mayfair all along. He knew when he had seen Patterson’s face that morning that something had been up. 

Shaking his head, he decided he would deal with those feelings later. Right now he needed to get back to Jane. 

He walked back up the corridor, his blood running cold as he entered her room. The bed was empty, the blood pressure cuff, nasal cannula and monitors strewn across the bed. 

“Jane?” he called, moving further into the room. When he received no answer he felt his heart rate start to pick up. “Jane?” he said again. He walked across to the adjoining bathroom, opening the door quickly. 

Jane was lying unconscious and unmoving on the cold tile floor. 

“Jane!” he yelled, rushing to her side. He hit the emergency button on the bathroom wall before collapsing to his knees beside her. 

He reached out and cupped her cheek, trying to elicit a response from her. 

“Jane.” he murmured, stroking her eyebrow. 

A team of medical staff came pouring into the room, Kurt moving out of the way to let them work. 

“I don’t know what happened. I left the room to make a call and when I came back she was like this.” he relayed. What the hell had she been thinking, getting out of bed for the first time without assistance?

The doctor leading the team shone his penlight in her eyes. 

“Pupils are even and reactive, let's turn her on her side and raise her legs.  I think she’s just fainted and is having a bit of trouble coming back to us.”

They turned her gently into the recovery position, being careful not to pull at the suture sights. A nurse crouched on the ground, elevating Jane’s legs. 

A couple of painstaking moments later, Jane’s face contorted in pain. She groaned, before her breathing accelerated and she let out a wail of anguish. 

“Push 10mg of morphine.” the doctor instructed. “Jane? Can you hear me?” the doctor asked, leaning over her. 

Jane squeezed her eyes shut, trying to curl in on herself as her abdomen pulsed with pain. She had fallen onto her suture sites, the impact sending tendrils of white hot agony up her side. 

The nurse injected the morphine into Jane’s upper arm.  Kurt watched in horror as she writhed on the floor, screams of anguish escaping through her clenched teeth. 

He ached to go to her, but didn’t want to get in the way of the medical staff. He saw the doctor leaning over her, urging her to slow her breathing down and try to relax. 

It was a few painstaking minutes later, that the morphine finally seemed to start taking effect. Her wails died down to whimpers, and her body seemed to calm down a little, her muscles not so rigid. 

“Ok let’s get a transfer sheet under her. I’m not comfortable with her standing again so soon.” the doctor instructed his team. 

Kurt stood back in the room, watching the staff roll Jane onto the sheet. 

“On my count.” the doctor said, coming to a standing position. “Three, two, one.”  

In unison they lifted Jane from the bathroom floor, before manoeuvring her back into her room. 

She cried out in pain at the movement, before her eyes squeezed shut, and her mouth opened in a silent scream. 

They lay her on the bed gently, shuffling the sheet out from under her. The nurse helped prop her up on the pillow, before tucking the blankets back over her. 

“Alright Jane, we’re gonna take some obs, ok? After that if your pain hasn’t calmed down, we can give you a little bit more morphine.”

Jane nodded, before finally opening her eyes. “Kurt!” she whimpered, her eyes begging him to come closer. 

Kurt took that as the opening he had been waiting for, rushing to her side. He stepped up to her face, smoothing her hair back gently. 

“I’m here… I’m here.” he soothed. 

One nurse got to work, taking her blood pressure and temperature, while the other hooked her back up to the monitors and inserted her nasal cannula back into her nose. 

“What were you thinking?” he asked softly. 

Jane’s chin wobbled slightly, her eyes wide and vulnerable. 

“I n-needed to use the bathroom.” she got out in a small voice. 

Kurt frowned at that. She had had her catheter removed before being transferred to the PCU, in the hopes her body would start performing normal functions again. 

“Why didn’t you call?” he asked tenderly, though he already knew the answer. 

“I didn’t want to call the nurse for something so trivial.”

Kurt shook his head. 

“Oh, Jane.” he whispered. “They’re there to help.”

One of the nurses nodded in agreement. “He’s right you know.” she said kindly. “Anything you need, you just need to ask.”

Jane sighed, before grimacing in pain again. A small sob escaped her throat, making Kurt’s heart constrict. 

“Your vitals are a little high.” the doctor told them. “No more unassisted trips Ms Doe, or you will end up back in the ICU.”

Jane agreed by silent communication, trying to breathe through the pain. She couldn’t speak, the agony in her side throbbing with every beat of her accelerated heart. 

“Do you feel you need the second dose?” the doctor asked. 

Jane nodded, making eye contact with Kurt. The expression on his face broke her heart. She had yet again caused him pain by her own stupid actions. 

The nurse injected another, smaller dose of morphine into her IV. 

“You’ll hopefully be able to sleep the brunt of the pain off with that many painkillers on board.” the nurse said kindly, before capping the needle and moving off. 

Once Jane seemed to have settled down, the doctor checked her heart rate again. 

“Good. It’s a little lower. You just rest. I’ll be back to check on you in a little while.” he said, before making eye contact with Kurt. “Call if you need anything.” he said, giving Jane a pointed look. 

Kurt nodded his thanks, before returning his attention to his wife.

Already, the second dose of painkillers seemed to be taking effect, her face still contorted in pain, but her eyelids heavy. 

Kurt sat gently on the bed, the adrenaline seeping from his body, leaving him feeling a bit shaky himself. He continued to stroke her hair off her forehead, hoping his ministrations were helping to relax her. 

Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, before she let out a long breath of air and drifted off to sleep. 

Kurt closed his eyes in exhaustion and concern. 

What the hell was he going to do with her? 

0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°

Jane slept through the rest of the afternoon and through the next night, her body completely exhausted from the faint. 

Kurt stayed by her side all night, managing to get a couple of hours sleep in the armchair next to her bed. After her ordeal with the bathroom floor, there was no way he was going to let her out of his sight, until he was confident she was actually going to ask for help. 

She woke up the next morning, blinking against the morning light. 

“Hey.” Kurt murmured, leaning forward to kiss her good morning. 

Jane grimaced, her body still tender from falling the day before, but she managed a smile for her husband’s benefit. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked, though he could already guess by her pale complexion and the drawn features to her face. 

“Sore.” she admitted, shuffling on the bed to try and get more comfortable. 

“You’ll be due your meds shortly.” Kurt informed her, looking at his wrist watch. “And then you really need to try and eat breakfast. You missed dinner last night.”

Jane groaned at the mere thought of food. Her insides had started churning again after the onset of pain, reminding her of the agony she had felt the first time she had eaten and vomited. 

“Jane… you need to try.” Kurt encouraged. “I know how badly you don’t want to end up back in the ICU.”

Jane sighed, before meeting his eye. 

“I’ll try.” she rasped quietly. Her throat was raw, her voice husky from screaming the day before. 

A nurse came round, administering her medication into her IV line. Jane exhaled in relief when the pain meds and antiemetics started working. 

Her breakfast came shortly after and Jane couldn’t help but pull a face at the food in front of her. Her belly lurched, sending her into a fit of panic. 

“I don’t think I can.” she admonished. She looked up at Kurt with big sorrowful eyes. 

Kurt sighed, before standing. 

“That’s it.” he murmured, before walking to the door. “I’ll be back soon.”

Jane sat in her bed feeling dumbfounded. Had he really just walked out on her? She knew that his patience was starting to wear thin, but she never thought he would actually leave because she felt too unwell to eat. She knew he wanted her to get better with all his soul, and she did too, but the thought of eating with her already unsettled stomach, and then possibly being sick… she shuddered. 

Jane sat staring at the TV, flipping through the channels for what felt like hours. She had kept her promise and notified the nurse when she needed to use the bathroom. To her horror, because her blood pressure was still low, the nurse had brought her in a bed pan. They didn’t want her walking with her vitals the way they were and potentially passing out again. 

But she breathed through the embarrassment, knowing that if she didn’t, Kurt would probably kill her himself. 

It was almost midday when he arrived back in her room. 

“Kurt… I…” she cut herself off when she saw the two little visitors traipsing in behind her husband. “Fletcher!” she beamed, grinning from ear to ear. His little face made her heart swell. Peeking out from behind Fletcher, was a little girl, one who she had only seen in photographs. “You must be Tyler.” she said gently. 

The little girl nodded, before smiling back at Jane. 

“I thought you could use a little cheering up.” Kurt admitted. 

Jane looked up at her husband, biting the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying. “Thank you.” she mouthed, before turning back to her small visitors. 

“I gots you something.” Fletcher said proudly, before placing a takeaway mug on Jane’s bedside table. “Broth.” he said proudly. 

“Oh… Fletcher… thank you. Maybe I’ll have it in a little while.” she said before looking up at Kurt. “Low blow.” she muttered at her husband. The fact that he had used a six year old to get her to eat, had her both wanting to laugh and cringe at the same time. 

Fletcher shook his head. 

“No… Mr Kurt said you have to eat it all up while we are here. He said you’re sick…”

Jane sighed. Of course Kurt would have told him that. He was using all the ammunition at his disposal. 

“Yes… my tummy’s just feeling a bit yucky.” she said softly, directing her attention back to the little boy. 

Fletcher looked up at her thoughtfully. 

“My mommy always used to make me broth when I was sick too… she said that even if I didn’t feel like it, I needed to eat it… so I could get better.” He scratched his head. “You need to get better… so you need to eat the broth.”

Jane eyed her husband wearily, before picking up the takeaway mug. “Alright then…” How could she say no to that face? Though she was incredibly concerned that things may go pear shaped. She didn’t want to scare the children if her body was to reject the food and send her into a screaming fit of torment. 

She opened the lid with shaky hands, before bringing the mug to her mouth. She took a sip, before swallowing thickly, stifling a groan as the broth hit her stomach and started bubbling. 

“You have to drink more.” Tyler piped up for the first time. 

Jane sighed, bringing the mug back to her lips. “If this goes wrong, you need to get them out of here quickly.” she muttered to Kurt, before taking another sip.

“You’ll be fine, Jane.” Kurt murmured, raising his eyebrows at his wife. He felt guilty that he had used the kids as a form of blackmail, he knew Jane wouldn’t be able to deny them, but he couldn’t see her going backwards, not this far into her recovery. 

Jane managed to drain, half of the mug, before Kurt saw her face turn three shade paler, a green hue tingeing her cheeks. “Drink some water.” he told her gently, handing her the cup. 

She looked incredibly uncomfortable, breathing shallowly as she tried to keep the broth inside of her. 

She took a couple of sips of water, before laying back onto the pillows, her eyes closed. “I’m done for now.” she said gently, not wanting to scare the kids, but also letting Kurt know that in no way was she going to try and consume more of the broth with her belly roiling the way that it was. 

“Was it nice?” Fletcher asked, reaching out to touch Jane’s arm. He started tracing the tattoos on her skin, making her smile. She opened her eyes to look at him, her nausea momentarily forgotten. 

“The best I’ve had.” 

Both Fletcher and Tyler broke out into massive grins. 

“We helped make it!” Tyler beamed, jumping up and down excitedly. 

“You did?” Jane asked, with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. She was growing tired, but seeing these two, made her feel happier than she had in days. 

A nurse entered the room at that point, holding a kidney fish full of vials. 

“Just here for a bit of blood.” she told them. 

Fletcher looked worriedly up at Jane. 

“Do… do you want me to go first?” he asked hesitantly, remembering how Jane had gone first when he had to have a test. 

The corners of Jane’s mouth lifted, before she shook her head gently. 

“No it’s ok. Thank you though! You’re very sweet.”

Fletcher beamed, turning to Tyler and whispering something in her ear. 

She looked up at Jane with wide eyes. 

“The lady that looks after us, told me I have to say thank you.” she said gently. “But I can’t remember what for.”  

Jane felt a mound of tension, that she didn’t even know she was holding, release from her shoulders. So Tyler really was none the wiser. She had been treated well enough while she had been kidnapped, that she had just thought she was just in another foster home. She sighed softly, smiling gently at the little girl. 

“You are most welcome.” 

She eyed her husband wearily, indicating that she wasn’t going to be able to hold on for much longer. 

“I like Miss Rebecca.” Fletcher piped up. “I hope we get to stay with her forever!” he said, jumping excitedly. 

“Me too!” Tyler giggled. 

Fletcher returned to tracing the lines on Jane’s arms, still just intrigued by the “drawings” as he had been the first time. 

“How about we say goodbye now, hmm?” Kurt suggested, seeing his wife’s eyes starting to droop. 

“Aww.” They both whined. Jane smiled in amusement. The innocence on their faces was so refreshing. 

“How about you come and see me again in a few days?” she suggested, knowing that it was going to be their little faces that helped her get through her recovery. 

“Ok!” They both said eagerly. 

“Goodbye Miss Jane!” Fletcher said loudly, before Tyler followed suit. 

“Goodbye.” Jane replied softly, waving at them. “Thank you for the broth.”

Both children grinned back at her, before waiting by the door for Kurt. Kurt leant forward, giving his wife a quick kiss on the forehead. 

“Thank you.” Jane said sincerely. Their visit had truly managed to cheer her up. She watched them leave, laying back into the pillows with a contented sigh. 

She drifted off quickly, the anxiety in her belly finally calm. 

0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°0°

One week later. 

Jane and Kurt sat outside in the hospital gardens. She had slowly built up the strength to be able to walk around the hospital corridors, and today Kurt had surprised her by taking her outside for the first time in three weeks. 

They had walked out of the hospital slowly, Kurt pushing a wheelchair in case she got too tired. She had made it out to the garden without a hitch and was now sitting in complete content, with the sun on her face, the breeze running through her hair. 

She let out a peaceful sigh, before opening her eyes, to see her husband looking at her. 

“What?” she asked self consciously. 

“Nothing… you’re just really beautiful.”

Jane felt herself blush. Even after all these years, he could still get a rise out of her, just by paying her a simple compliment. 

“I’m so thankful that you are ok.” he added seriously. “I don’t… I don’t know what I would have done if…” he choked on the words, suddenly not able to speak. 

Jane reached out and took his hand. 

“But I didn’t.” she finished. “We are both ok… Fletcher and Tyler are ok… everything worked out.”

He took a shuddering breath in, before releasing it slowly. “I’ll never take anything for granted again.” he said gently. 

Jane hung her head. “I’ll never take you for granted again.”

Kurt cupped her chin, forcing her to look at him. 

“Clean slate remember. Forgive and forget.”

Jane smiled softly, bringing her hand up to rest against his own. 

“Forgive and forget.” she repeated, moving their hands down so they were covering her heart. “Now… when do I get to go home?”

Kurt chuckled at that. “Soon, my love. Soon.”

He pulled her against him, holding her close. He was so thankful he would get to take her home at all, that he wasn’t in a great rush to get her there. He needed her to rest and to heal, so they could continue their lives together. 

They needed to continue saving the world, by solving as many cases as possible and taking down one bad guy at a time. 

This was their second chance… and neither of them would forget it. 

fin

[wordsturnintostories]

show me your rosettes, baby (g)

summary: The world tour is over and the Bangtan Boys finally get their well-deserved break. When Namjoon suddenly can’t find Jimin anywhere, things take an unexpected and pretty unbelievable turn. “Kim Namjoon!” “Hyung. How common is it for people to turn into cats?” word count: 2.3k note: ahhhh. this is one of my favorite bits. wanted to post this later but then decided that @justanemptydream needs a little fluff today. hope it helps, darling ✨

masterlist | moodboard masterlist

[ prologue | one | two | three | four | five | six | seven ]

Bathing Jimin turns out to be a surprisingly easy task. Namjoon knows plenty of people (okay, maybe not plenty, but at least Hoseok’s sister and then a few) whose cats go batshit crazy at the sight of a filled bathtub. Kitty Jimin is a completely different story.

Maybe one part of the reason his curious blue eyes always find back to the tub is that he’s (been?) turned into an inexperienced cub who has never had a first bath and who has therefore not made any bad experiences with it in the past. Maybe he just doesn’t complain because he’s Park Jimin, a person who generally likes water and being in it, be it a pool, an ocean or an aquarium (only the one they’d tried and failed to raise some pet fish in (they’d needed fake ID’s to buy those, what the hell) that they had finally given to Bang Sihyuk as a belated birthday gift and that after a couple years of standing next to his desk got transformed into one of those fancy floor-to-ceiling aquariums).

The younger doesn’t mind the bathtub and is quick to run circles in it, excitement overflowing before there’s even water in the tub. Yoongi and Namjoon both stand outside in swimming trunks, amused at the innocence before them. They are holding their respective yellow-patch-jeans in their hands, trying to get the pesky pee-stains out over the sink. Thanks, Jimin.

Deciding to let the liquid laundry detergent sate the textile, they drop the clothes and finally let water in the bathtub. It’s a little strange, bathing together (they’ve probably never done that before) in swimming trunks (that they have). They have seen each other naked plenty of times, side-effect of sharing showers in their pre-debut and debut dorms and even Jimin hasn’t been a stranger to these occasions (which doesn’t legitimize staying naked around each other, though). Still, he’s tiny right now and if his hyungs sit down, he’s exactly on crotch level. So. Swimming trunks it is. You could call it Child Protection Services.

To their surprise, Jimin becomes oddly vocal as soon as the warm water sloshes around his paws and legs and soon, even higher, up to his underbelly. Excited little squeaks pour out of him and turn into pants whenever the water sloshes into his mouth. But the cub splashes and paddles, a little whirlwind of yips and soaked fur.

“Hyung,” Namjoon requests, “do you want to wash him?”

“Sure,” Yoongi says and fishes the rascal out of the water. Jimin paddles even as they lift him into the air, tail swinging left and right like a rudder. The kitty gasps and meows, whipping around his head as if he can't decide whether he would like to be let back down into the sloshing tides or not. Yoongi holds him against his belly and hasn’t even reached for a shampoo bottle when Jimin starts climbing his body. At first, Yoongi gently puts his hand under Jimin’s ass, receiving a raised eyebrow-look by Namjoon.

“So he doesn’t fall,” Yoongi argues, “could you please hand me Jungkook’s soap?"

“Why Jungkook’s? He won’t like you using his.”

“Because it’s without perfume. Cats have better noses than humans. I don’t want to use scented shampoo on him.”

Namjoon nods, grateful that his hyung keeps the important things in mind. No matter how cheesy it might sound, the members are better together. They complete each other. Like the dough and the filling in a bungeoppang.

Jimin stays elated until the last second of the bath, blessed with an entire new slice of life and two hyungs that serve it on a silver platter. Even with countless mouthfuls of water, the cub doesn’t seem to mind the liquid. His little tail points straight at the ceiling and shakes as he explores. It’s honestly endearing to watch him and Namjoon wishes the others could be here right now too so they could all share this memory. Who knows, maybe it’s even physically benefitting to watch our little dongsaeng like this, he thinks, with the way the kitty makes his hyung’s hearts beat faster and gives them something to laugh about. It’s utterly adorable.

Yoongi asks Namjoon to hold out his hands and lowers Jimin into them so that his belly rests on Namjoon’s fingers like they are a carrier so that his thumbs can support the cat’s sides. Namjoon feels the little wet tail fall against his wrist. When Yoongi gently cards his fingertips against Jimin’s fur, working the soap in, the leopard cub relaxes and even the thumpy heartbeat that hits Namjoon’s middle finger calms down. The hyungs are quiet as they take to washing their dongsaeng. The new, unfamiliar rumbly sound that emerges doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Is he-“ Yoongi says with big eyes.

The other rapper nods, closer to the source. To his hands, it’s like touching the delicate skin of his studio’s woofers. Jimin’s whole body vibrates with every raspy purr.

“He’s purring, hyung. He purrs.”

"I didn't know leopards could purr..."

"They... can't, normally. But you're special, huh, Jiminie? You're so special."

While Namjoon keeps cooing at the younger, Yoongi has got a bright smile on his face as Jimin's direct response to his touch encourages him to keep going. The entire time, the cub doesn’t move a muscle, may it be a consequence of being physically suspended in Namjoon’s hands or just of happy hormones being released. Even as his older brother lets the warm water wash over Jimin’s body to free him of the rest of the washing lotion, the cat remains absolutely still.

Finally, Namjoon just lets the smaller one sit on his thigh. And even then, despite his enthusiasm earlier, Jimin just stretches and plops down. His legs don’t even reach the sides of his hyung’s thigh so he looks like a pancake (flat and spread out) as he falls asleep.

In all honesty, it takes a lot to be manly and Yoongi and Namjoon both seem to not own that much of manliness yet because as soon as they realize that their kitty is sleeping, they both coo without shame.

“He must be drained,” Namjoon whispers, “turning into a leopard baby is probably stressful.”

“He looks so small. Let’s take care of him well.”

“Of course, hyung. But what if-“ Namjoon is afraid to say finish that idea. He doesn’t want to ruin their happiness. But he’s got responsibilities. And carrying responsibility means looking at the future and making good decisions in the present. He wants to make good decisions, for them all, for Jimin, but especially in this time when the younger can’t make decisions on his own. 

“What if he stays like this?”

“Would that be so bad?”

Whatever the leader expected Yoongi to say, it isn’t this. Never in a hundred years. He has to be careful not to break the whisper.

“Yoongi-ah! Don’t talk like this. How could that be good? Jiminie turned into a cat. How can he perform like this?”

The elder looks almost stoic; not displeased, not joyful, just… calm. Like the issue at hand can’t bother him.

“I didn’t think that far ahead yet, to be honest. I don’t think he’s even gonna stay like this until then. He’ll probably come back soon. I just meant for now.”

“What is different between for now and the next months? Jimin can’t do anything like this.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t have to at the moment. We’re on our break. This couldn’t have happened at a better time, Joon-ah. Imagine if this would’ve happened at the beginning of our next tour.”

Namjoon stays quiet. That would have been horrible. He hopes Bangtan will never have to pause a tour because of something like this. Or lie to ARMY about it. Because that would be even worse.

“What I’m saying is,” Yoongi eyes seem deep and full of wisdom, “maybe this is exactly what Jimin needs. Look at him right now, he’s sleeping so peacefully with you. I bet he’ll eat better too.”

“You think his body can use this to recover?”

“Yeah. We all know he’s not fine right now. Maybe his body is even responsible for this. Maybe he would have gotten really sick if he hadn’t turned. You know how poorly he takes care of himself sometimes. Maybe the ghost of Taehyung’s halmoni felt sorry for him and turned him into a cat.”

Namjoon snorts but tries to not wake up Jimin. The little one stays asleep, only his tail curls up and Namjoon knows he will be watching documentaries all day long tomorrow so he’ll know how to read a cat’s body language. He needs to be able to communicate with his dongsaeng.

“You’re good at comforting me. Thank you for being my friend,” Namjoon says and Yoongi sends him a rare, deep smile.

“You’re a great friend too, Joon-ah. But the water is getting cold. Let’s wash up.”

They do, after each other, and lift Jimin out of there so he can’t get in the way. The kitty seems displeased with the cold surface of the counter, mewling, which makes the boys hurry up. Soon, they pat their brother dry with a warm towel.

---

The first mistake was forgetting to bring their clothes. The second one is leaving the bathroom to get them. Together. When they come back, all they see in the suspiciously quiet room is streaks of bright, glittery galaxy-blue toothpaste (thank you for your taste in paste, Taehyung-ssi) decorating the counter. It winds and runs along the sink and some even hangs off the edge, dangerously close to dripping down. It looks like a freaking toothpaste explosion, with how lushly it is spread out and smeared across the marble. The whole room smells like mint.

Yoongi cackles while Namjoon frowns. What the heck is what goes through his mind. On first glance, he’s alarmed. On the second glance, he finds the guilty suspect - animatedly chewing on the plastic tube of toothpaste down in the sink, looking quite galaxy-blue himself. When he notices his hyungs, he looks up wide-eyed, going for his cute-innocent look (typical Jimin). It doesn’t take (thank you, self-control media training), but it does make them want to whine. Too much cuteness. It almost hurts.

“Oh Jiminie,” Namjoon laments, “why are you making such a mess?”

The sticky cat meows absentmindedly before making more toothpaste squirt out of the container. The little one gets up and rolls in the stuff, happily spreading it everywhere with his tail.

Yoongi giggles at the sight, shamelessly taking pictures. A second later, he’s got a new wallpaper. “Maybe he just liked the first bath a little too much.”

They wash Jimin again. But this time, in solitary treatment, cold water, and the sink, which seems to be a new favorite spot of the little leopard’s (despite the fact that this is supposed to be a punishment).

“C’mon, Jimin-ah,” Yoongi nudges the cat that seems to doze off every time he’s left alone for a second. “We’ll eat something and then you can find a sunny, warm spot and sleep, yeah?” Jimin yawns wide, showing off all his sharp little teeth.

“Oh, look at you, you’re so tired. Come here,” Yoongi knows he’s talking to Jimin like he’s a baby but the little one does need some babying right now.

His suspicion (hope?) from earlier turns out to be right. As soon as there is food, Jimin devours it, not caring about his diet plans and the company’s ideas about his figure or even the public’s words. He just eats like he’s never eaten before and when he’s done, he crawls away to lie down and lick after lick, cleans his fur.

“You might be right,” Namjoon says. “Maybe we shouldn’t interfere and just wait what happens.

“Yeah. Don’t pick the flower before it blooms. As long as we’ve got time off, it’s all good.”

Namjoon nods. “Fine.”

---

They watch a couple episodes of some new drama on tv when suddenly, Taehyung calls. Of course, they’ve all texted and talked the last couple of days, none of the members familiar or comfortable with that much distance between each other, but right now, Namjoon wishes he wouldn’t have to take the call. He feels oddly unprepared for an inquisitive Taehyung and he doesn’t want to tell the youngest Kim off, let alone make him sad. His attempt at handing the phone to Yoongi fails. Yoongi is asleep. Typical.

“Heeeeey,” Taehyung drawls, sounding happy and excited. He’s probably having a blast back home.

“What’s up, Tae?”

“I miss you,” he says, a little more quietly, and adds, “and I miss my Jiminie, is he better?”

Namjoon swallows. Should I tell him? He decides no. No, they should see that for themselves instead of hearing it over the phone. It might sound a little too crazy.

“Aw, it’s only been a couple of days, Taehyung-ah. But we miss you too. It’s strange, everything is so quiet, right?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung mumbles.

“But yeah, Jimin is better. He’s uh, he’s running around again.”

“That’s great! Can I talk to him? He’s not answering his phone.” That’s… because of reasons. Namjoon isn’t sure what to say. He looks at Yoongi, who looks so at home with Jimin on his chest. He can’t expect any help from them, obviously.

“Um, he’s with hyung right now. They’re busy, sorry Tae. Maybe you can talk to him tomorrow. You’re gonna be back soon, right?”

“Mh,” Taehyung says, obviously unhappy with the answer. “Tell him I said hi and that I miss him a lot. I wish he could be here with me.”

“I’ll make sure to tell him.”

They talk for a little more, about all the nice things Taehyung’s been up to during his time with his family, on the farm in the countryside (I like countrysiiiiideeee, Namjoon’s mind yells out of nowhere, spooking him). The call ends when Seoul dips in darkness and rises as a sea of lights and Namjoon wonders if he should just let Yoongi sleep on the couch.

He does in the end, not keen on disturbing either hyung or dongsaeng. With compassion in his heart, he pulls a blanket over his two brothers and goes to bed.

[ prologue | one | two | three | four | five | six | seven ]

masterlist | moodboard masterlist

tags: @xmagicxshopx, @taeshuworld, @justanemptydream, @hoodmeup, @gingerpeachtae

[mylivejournalsucks]

Call Me By Your Name

I didn’t love Call Me By Your Name. A lot of it felt boring and tedious. They swim, they eat food, they steal furtive glances, they swim again, they eat, they lay in bed and sigh and then sometimes a Sufjan Stevens pops up. Not a whole lot happens but that’s actually okay because the act of desire and wanting is often boring and tedious.

There’s a scene where Oliver (Armie Hammer) gives Elio (Timothee Chalamet) a shoulder massage and Elio is SHOOK. It’s just a little touch but at that age a little touch says everything. It’s coded. It lets you know that you are down to ‘mo.

I came out when I was seventeen and fell in love shortly thereafter. To this day I regard it as one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Because it was not supposed to happen to a boy like me, a boy living in a small beach town with five out gay people, a boy with cerebral palsy who had the self-esteem of 409 cleaner.

But la-di-da, here we were. 

The boy I fell for was dreamy and aloof. Sort of like Jordan Catalano but legitimately funny and he knew how to read. We started hanging out 24/7 because that’s what happens in high school. You meet someone, become obsessed, and then every day becomes a delightful present you get to unwrap with them.

We walked around Ventura aimlessly for hours, talking, talking, talking. Drinking each other up. I told everyone I knew that I had a crush on him, in the hopes that it would travel back to him and he would make a move.

There were sIgns it was reciprocated. One time we were in the backseat of a cab and he leaned over me to roll down the window. For a few seconds his skin rested on mine. My whole body vibrated for days afterwards. It was my very own ‘shoulder massage’ moment.

He slept over a lot. We shared a bed, which was its own unique wonderful hell. I never slept. I was too busy trying to ESP “touch me, touch me, touch me.” One night, after going to see Rooney (lol), he slept over and spooned me for, like two seconds before rolling over to go to bed. It was like I’d been shot with speed. Wanting was my permanent state of being. Even little scraps like a two-second spoon sesh could feed my soul for days.

I thought about him all the time. If my brain were a pie chart it would’ve just been “98% him” “2% I need to save up some money for when Morrissey plays the Ventura theatre.” It was painful to be in that state of desire all the time but it also made me feel very alive, like a constant prick to the skin. Having tried a lot of drugs I can say that “gay boy wanting someone for the very first time” is the most powerful one of them all. And it only hurts your heart, not your body!

Summer eventually hit, which was its own slice of magic. Summer was when things Happened with a capital H. It’s three months of nothing that beg you to turn it into everything.

In July he found out I had a crush on him through a mutual friend (my plan worked!) and he asked me out on AIM and I said yes. 

La-di-da.

We dated for six months. It was psychotic and lovely and meaningless and important. We swapped songs and watched movies and lay in bed for hours on end. We explored each other’s bodies like scientists, poking at each other, discovering new sensations. Touch, touch, touch.

The bedroom was safe. The outside was not. We only kissed each other in public twice. Once on a trip to LA and once at The Macaroni Grill at two pm in the afternoon. I always wanted more from him. The desire never went away, was never fully satiated even when we were together. This constant longing kept me company. I actually didn’t mind it. When you’re in the closet, you learn to deaden your insides as a means of survival, so longing, by contrast, wasn’t so bad. Again, I was alive.

So here I am, watching Call Me By Your Name, feeling bored and then feeling guilty for being bored. But even when I felt like it went on too long or was getting redundant, I was so thankful for what I was seeing. Thankful that I was seeing two men fall for each other without it ending in them getting beaten by baseball bats. Thankful that my life experience was being recognized and valued. My thirst for queer representation is similar to the desire depicted in the film.

 It’s gay men wanting more.