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andrewmoocow · 7 years

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Fooly Falls chapter 4: Batter Up (originally posted on July 12, 2017)

It was another beautiful day in Gravity Falls, perhaps beautiful enough for a nice game of baseball. Yeah, this is the baseball chapter alright. Anyway, Haruko hit the ball really hard, much to the opposing team's shock as it flies out of the park and towards the sky. Everyone was busy comprehending what just happened as Haruko arrogantly thanked everyone while doing a little victory dance.

“Oy, she is just too good.” Stan complained as he, Dipper, Mabel, Ford, Soos, Wendy, Candy, Grenda, Pacifica, Robbie, McGucket and Waddles sat in the dugout. “I think that last one went into space.” Wendy added. “Wait a minute, why are we playing baseball anyway?” Stan wondered. “I came up with that Mr. Pines.” Soos answered. “You see, in many of the anime I watch, the characters would sometimes just chill out and play a nice game of baseball.”

Stan was still confused. “Yeah, but why baseball anyway?” he continued on. ”Filler episodes dude.” Soos added. “I will never understand the shows that you watch Soos. Like that weird giant robot show. Why is it that our wimpy protagonist can't seem to choose between the hot-blooded blonde Russian girl, the heavy drinker or the blue-haired clone?”

“So you made up this whole team Mabel?” Dipper asked his sister, who was wearing a baseball-themed sweater with a gnome on it, as Stan and Soos continued debating. “Yeah, I even got a mascot and everything!” she replied pointing to a man wearing a gnome-themed costume dancing around the field. The mascot took his head off to reveal a rather normal looking man black-haired man with a smile on his face. “Great work there Tad!” she said to him. “She promised me bread.” he announced.

“Yes, thank you.” Haruko thanked as a gnome handed her a dollar bill. “You're welcome babe, you're a great help to the Forest Freaks.” the gnome replied with a Manotaur, a Gremoblin, a unicorn, a group of beautiful-looking blonde men in white and a Lilliputtian stood behind him. “Say, why are you so good at hitting anyway?” he asked Haruko. “I just have my ways Jeff.” she replied. “Good to hear that!” he exclaimed as he turned to another gnome with a bushy grey beard and unaligned eyes. “Make a note of that Schmebulock.”

“Schmebulock!” the other gnome exclaimed as he pulled a pen out of his beard and started scribbling on his hand. “Schmebulock.” he said. “Is Schmebulock all you can say?” the Manotaur asked looking at Schmebulock's hand. “Schmebulock.” he glumly replied.

“This is utter cockamamie balderdash!” Stan shouted from the dugout. “How is it that the Gravity Falls Gnomes, who have two old men with tons of fighting experience and a lumberjack's daughter who could kick ass, lose to a bunch of weirdos who don't know the first thing about baseball?”

“Maybe we need to bring out someone who knows his way around baseball.” Candy replied as everyone turned to Dipper. “Yeah, Dipper can help us win!” Grenda shouted. “I-I don't know guys, I'm not all that great at this game and Haruko is like crazy good.” Dipper groaned. “C'mon Dipper, we just need someone who can outmatch her.” Ford said putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Alright fine.” Dipper said as he picked up a bat and walked to home plate while his team chanted for him. “I'm going to die here Chutzpar, I just know it.” he mumbled to the Manotaur, who was serving as umpire. “Not gonna lie, I sort of agree.” Chutzpar replied.

Dipper readied his bat preparing to strike but he missed the ball. “STRIKE ONE!” Chutzpar shouted. The boy readied himself again, only to miss once more. “STRIKE TWO!” the umpire cried. He prepared to strike again, only to get knocked down by the ball. “Strike three, he's out!” Haruko exclaimed with a cheeky look on her face.

“Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark!” Wendy stated as Waddles carried Dipper back to the dugout. “You alright there, how many fingers am I holding up?” Robbie asked as he pulled out three of his fingers. “Well everybody, might as well admit defeat.” Stan bluntly stated as he got up to congratulate the Forest Freaks. “We can't give up just yet Stanley!” Ford said grabbing his brother's arm. “Look over there!” He pointed to Canti as he was picking up various balls from the field.

Soon enough, Canti was practicing with the Gnomes as Soos pitched. “Wow, he's actually pretty good.” Pacifica gasped in awe of the machine's skills until they all turned to notice Stan hunched over, his fingers locked together and his glasses suddenly shining. “This is it everyone, my secret weapon!” he proudly proclaimed.

As they all cheered, Dipper walked away with a stoic look on his face back to the Shack until he turned to Haruko standing over him. “That bandaged head look kinda suits you.” she said. “C'mon kid, it's a compliment.” Dipper, as usual, wasn't buying it. “Does it really matter anyway? Like I said, I'm not good at baseball.” he replied. “Quit lying kid!” she exclaimed as she held her bass aloft. Dipper winced, thinking she was going to hit him again, but instead she put it down and got on her Vespa.

“Anyway, nothing's gonna happen unless you swing the bat.” she said as she rode off, leaving Dipper to contemplate her words. “Oh yeah, forgot to tell you much earlier Dipper, but my parents got a new Medical Mechanica factory here.” Pacifica said walking up behind him. “Are you okay there?”

Meanwhile in another part of town, Commander Amarao had rolled in on a Vespa with Kitsurubami, Powers, Trigger and a few other agents behind him. “Well men, this is the place.” he said. “Fan out, I want the Vespa Woman brought to me by tomorrow.” he ordered to the others.

“SIR YES SIR!” they all replied as they spread out across the Oregon town. Amarao did so himself as he tackled a man with a goatee wearing a red flannel shirt. “You there, what do you know about a pink-haired girl with a yellow scooter and 4001 Rickenbacker?” he inquired. “A Rickenbacker, like the one Paul McCartney has? Or was it John Lennon?” the man replied as he took notice of his interrogator's eyebrows. “Those eyebrows....”

“Don't you befuddle me with your Beatles trivia, where is she?” he demanded. “Oh yeah, I think she's hanging around the Mystery Shack.” the man answered as Amarao dropped him to the ground. “Thank you good sir, now have a nice day.” The agent then got back on his scooter as he rode away. “I guess he must be a fan of the rock that looks like a face rock.”

“Hey everyone, I'm back.” Dipper announced as he walked back into the Shack's living room to find Haruko, still in her baseball uniform, twitching uncontrollably as Stan gave her a massage while Mabel looked on. “Oh hey kid, caught us at an awkward time. Dinner's in a bit.” Stan said as the girl started moaning. “Oh, it hurts! Not so rough!”

“What are you doing?” the young mystery solver asked as the moaning got louder. “Oh yes, your gristle is like baby lamb wool!” she screamed. “Old people massages are actually pretty good, don'tcha think?” she asked Dipper blushing. “You really stink, you could just change into some clean clothes.” the boy said as he walked away. “And yet I can't smell your sweat, wonder why? Oh, I'm too tired to even hold a fork!”

“Why were you playing for all those creatures anyway?” Dipper asked turning to her. “They gave me good money, thought it could help with the electric bill.” she replied before moaning again.

“Here Haruko, try some of this!” Stan offered her some eggs at dinner as he gulped down on some brown meat, squealing happily along the way. “Now this is what life is worth livin' for!” he exclaimed. “What are you even doing anyway?!” Dipper asked, thinking back to the Vespa Woman's first time at the Shack when she said that she needed him. “Y'know what, I'm going outside for some fresh air.” He walked outside as Stan, Mabel, Haruko and Canti watched. “Geez, what's with him?” Mabel wondered.

Meanwhile outside, Dipper sat down on the front steps thinking about what had just happened. Haruko had said that very night that she needed him yet here she was getting close with his great uncle. “Excuse me young man, is this place your home?” a voice asked. Dipper turned his head to see a red-haired man with large eyebrows and a pair of sunglasses standing before him. “And it's also a tourist trap?”

“No sir, me and my sister are living here for the summer.” the pine tree kid answered. “Then I guess you might know what I'm looking for, huh?” the stranger replied turning to him. “Those eyebrows....” Dipper said to himself looking at his eyebrows.

“I've heard intel about a man in a fez calling himself Stan Pines disguising as a gangster to break into a meeting of the Molehill Gang at Booby's. I'd like to speak with him.” the stranger politely said. “Sorry mister, my grunkle's busy but I do have something that might be of interest to you.” Dipper replied as he rushed back inside and came back out with the Firestarter in hand.

“I've been researching about an ancient being that once roamed this land and I think you might be interested.” Dipper started scrolling through the page as the man watched. “See, this man has once inhabited this land and got bored one day, so he made a deal with a dream demon known as Bill Cipher to gain ultimate power and wipe out his people.” He turned over the page to show the filled-in outline of Bill.

“I'm sorry kid, but this is all make-believe compared to what I've seen!” the man stated. “Listen, I'm looking for a girl with a Vespa scooter that's living here.” The young detective immediately knew what this man was talking about. “Oh, you mean Haruko? She's been living here as a maid, even though all she does is mooch off my family.” he said.

“So she's been hanging with you. That means she's addicted to you in a way.” the man said. “Listen, she's mad I tell you. Hopefully you didn't tell many people about her, cause then you'll think smart They'll find out what you're dealing with eventually.” Dipper put the parchment away in his jacket pocket as the man adjusted his shades. “Say, is there anything for sale here?”

“Thanks, I always wanted one of these.” the man thanked Dipper as he got on his scooter holding a fish covered in fur. “Anyway, older women can have an effect on you, so you better be careful.” The man drove away from the Shack as Dipper stood there watching while Stan and Haruko laughed wildly inside. “I got a bad feeling about this.

“So you're saying Haruko is hanging out with Grunkle Stan more despite the fact she said she needed you?” Mabel said when Dipper walked up to their room. “Exactly sis. I've been feeling that she's using us for her own agenda.” he replied. “And there was also this guy with really big eyebrows that knows about her somehow.”

“Wait, eyebrows?” Mabel said curiously. “Yeah, he came here looking for Stan and found me instead.” Dipper replied. “How big were they?” she asked. “Like really big. I'm pretty sure they're not ever real!” he replied. “Going off topic here, but is it okay if I call you Takkun like what Haruko does?”

“No.”

“Batting practice at sunset?” Haruko asked later that evening outside the gift shop. “Do you want me to be your coach?” she added as Dipper strolled away from her. “No, please.” he replied. “I can teach you how.” she said. “Just go away and keep doing crazy things with my uncle.” he replied hiding behind the totem pole. “We're in this together Pine Tree.” Haruko said as his grunkle's head dropped on the ground, much to his shock. Then suddenly, Mabel's head was behind him as well. “Your head is the only one that works Takkun.” she stated as she held the boy's head in her arms and then back on his body. “You'll hit a homerun soon. Promise.”

Later, Dipper stood outside holding a baseball bat with Haruko watching him. “Yeah, that's the right stance.” she said. “Buuut, you have to swing the bat!” Just then, Ford walked outside all bleary-eyed and his hair very unkempt. “Pardon me for being rude kids,” he said. “but what are you doing at 3:00am?”

“She's helping me with batting practice Ford.” Dipper replied before Haruko laid herself all over him. “Hit it into the sky, don't hold back.” she continued. “Before he swings the bat, a real slugger imagines an arc inside his heart, arching directly to heaven.” She took hold of the boy's arms and made him point the bat towards a flickering star. “I think that star would make a great target.” Ford said. “Yeah, but why is it blinking like that?”

Meanwhile in a secluded part of town, the agents had made their temporary base in an abandoned house with Kitsurubami, Powers and Trigger supervising them. “Alright, put it up on screen.” Powers ordered as the image changed from static to a large satellite circling the Earth. “Kitsurubami, analyze.”

“It's been ten hours since impact.” she announced. “We have experienced a total loss of control after it caused irreparable damage to sectors six through eighteen and displaced all three antennas including the spare.” As she continued explaining, the image of the satellite was enhanced until a baseball was spotted within it. “It made a quantum leap into the central processing sector and scored a direct hit on the core unit. This is Satellite Geo-Saki, it's proceeding with its self-programmed attack.”

The three government officials turned towards their superior Amarao examining the fur trout he received from the Mystery Shack. “Is everything alright Commander Amarao?” Trigger wondered. “It's nothing, I just can't help but wonder what fur this is supposed to be from.” Amarao replied handing the fish to the three. “I have a feeling it might be from some kind of grizzly bear.”

“Those eyebrows.....” the agents and lieutenant thought. “So when's it gonna fall?!” their superior exclaimed. “Commander, sir!” a scientist exclaimed rushing into the room before standing in attention. “We have good news on the statue of Diamond Brandy you have told us about!” he stated.

“Wait, Diamond Brandy?” Kitsurubami wondered looking at the scientist. “Amarao has gotten word from a young boy staying at 618 Gopher Road that there is a statue of a powerful vampire wizard that we have dug up.” he explained to the others. “Good work Dr. Hubert.” Amarao thanked him before leading his companions to the lab. “Seriously, I still feel like we've been to that Gopher Road place before.” Powers whispered to Trigger. “Maybe we came there in like, another life or something weird like that.”

“So Stuart, how's the life goin'?” another scientist in the lab asked chatting with his partner as he turned on some UV lights. “Oh y'know Ken, my fiancee left me, my mom died, dad got deported, but I got a sweet car last month!” Stuart replied. Just then, Amarao, Kitsurubami, Powers, Trigger and Hubert stepped into the lab. “Commander Amarao, sir!” the two shouted saluting him. “So boys, how goes researching that statue?” Hubert asked stepping forward. “We seem to have uncovered something....peculiar.” Ken answered. “There is a hole on his forehead that only showed up when we collected it. Have a look-see.”

Hubert stepped forward, staring deep within the hole as an air of dread crawled all over him. Suddenly, a large drill popped out impaling him in his forehead. “He has a horn!” Stuart cried out in horror. “And he's waking up!” Ken replied. “Quick, bring out more UV lamps!” he ordered. “YES SIR!” The statue began to crack more and more until a hulking figure with long blonde hair was revealed underneath. Diamond Brandy was reborn and boy was he hungry. The drill began to rip apart many of the other scientists, coating the UV lamps in blood.

“I can't believe it, he's still alive!” Trigger screamed in fear as the vampire burst from his prison. “And he's using human blood to block out the light!” Kitsurubami added. As Diamond Brandy stepped down, he gazed at the remaining mortals. “Hm, it seems the world has changed quite a bit while I was asleep.” he said to himself. “Your modern technology proves no match for the last of the Pole People!”

“Stay back monster!” the armored security guards exclaimed as they charged into the lab, pointing their weapons at him. “Zuhohoho, feeding time.” Brandy chuckled to himself as time slowed to a stop. He waltzed around the guards like a flash of light to them until time was restored to normal, and that's when they realized his true power.

“Commander, my hands!” One of the guards screamed in horror as he laid eyes upon his fingers being locked together with a scientist's, along with all of the other guards and scientists. “THEY'RE STUCK TOGETHER!” they all shouted. “Someone, do something!” Amarao shouted before Kitsurubami fired her anti-tank rifle at Brandy, only for it to to fail as he grabbed the bullet in his hands and poked it, transforming it into a large cricket which hopped away.

“You won't get away with this you abomination!” a scientist hollered before Diamond appeared right before his eyes and jabbed his drill into his forehead, reducing him and the others into lumps of flesh. “I think it's time for a new look. Allow me to change into something more....comfortable.” the monster announced before telekinetically bringing forth the blood of his victims and making it surround him like a cocoon.

“Somebody, shoot him!” Powers exclaimed pointing at the blood cocoon. “We already tried that, and now looked what happened!” Kitsurubami shouted in reply pointing towards the giant cricket that was menacing Stuart and Ken. The cocoon suddenly burst open, revealing Diamond Brandy now bare-chested and wearing a long flowing red cape and white hakama pants. “Ah, so much better.” the demon stated proudly looking around before turning to the two scientists.

“Please spare us sir!” Stuart cried as he and Ken held each other close, quivering in fear. “We'll do anything to stay alive! Anything!” Ken added as a few tears appeared in his eyes. “Anything?” Diamond said stroking his chin. “I know. I will let you two live, but in exchange you will serve me for all eternity!” he exclaimed as he made his fingertips light up and he tapped the two on their foreheads. Their forms contorted wildly as they screamed in pain until their skin turned pale blue and their labcoats were replaced with clothing just as wild as their new master's.

“From now on, the mortals who call themselves Stuart Dooley and Ken Simpson are dead!” the monster proclaimed as they rose from the ground, smiling evilly. “In their place are my new minions, Stinger and Loggken!” The three of them struck a pose as the four government officials stepped away before running for the hills. “Don't think you can get away so easily!” the two newborn beasts chanted in unison before raising their hands skyward. “RIPPLE!” Just then, the old house started cracking like glass as it began to fade from reality.

“Wait a minute, they can warp reality?!” Agent Trigger exclaimed as they kept running for the front door. “That boy never mentioned anything about that in his paper!” Amarao replied. “Enough about some random kid, we have to run!” Powers and Kitsurubami shouted as they got closer to the door. They jumped out in the nick of time as the house caved in, falling into a hole in space before zipping itself closed.

“That was insane! My life hasn't been at that much risk since the Arcadia Bay case!” Trigger wheezed getting up. “Apparently these so-called Pole People are more powerful than we thought.” Kitsurubami replied. “They can use incredibly powerful magic to slaughter lower beings and have the power of mind control! What do we do now?”

The two then turned to Powers and Amarao looking off into the distance through the forest and at a hovel of a shop. “Easy.” Powers said. “We find someone who knows and can stop him. And we're also gonna need some new men and a new base.”

Dipper woke up in his bed to find Mabel cuddling Waddles in her bed but Haruko was nowhere to be found. “Where is she anyway?” he wondered as he walked down the stairs to search for her. He combed the entire house from the spare room that Ford was sleeping in to the kitchen where he found Canti washing dishes. “Hey Canti, have you seen Haruko anywhere?” he asked the Medical Machine, who shrugged in reply before returning to what he was doing.

“C'mon Haruko, where are you?” Dipper groaned as he got more tired. Suddenly a bright light coming from the vending machine caught his eye. Punching in the code, going downstairs and taking the elevator to the lab, he tiptoed around until he found Haruko playing with the Eyes of Heaven mask Ford told him about. ”What is she doing now?” he wondered before the gleam of the red jewel on its forehead pointed at his forehead, sending him into a frenzy.

“Just as I thought! 618 Gopher Road!” Amarao meanwhile declared in the forest. “Come along everyone, we got a world to save.” he proclaimed to his subordinates. “Eyebrows!”

The next day, it was time for baseball again as the Gnomes cheered for Canti when he stepped up to the mound.”Yah can do it TV-bot!” McGucket hollered. “Yeah, give 'em what for!” Candy added as they all started laughing. Meanwhile, Dipper and Wendy were sitting on the Shack's front steps discussing what happened yesterday. “So some government guys say that Haruko's a loose cannon?” Wendy wondered. “Yeah, he came to me looking for Stan and then he started talking about her when I showed him the Firestarter.” Dipper responded as Haruko pulled up in front of them on her Vespa.

“Hey, the game's already started you two.” Haruko said. “Are you just gonna sit around doing perverted stuff?” she asked. “We're not doing perverted stuff Haruko, you're just insane.” Dipper bluntly replied. “C'mon kid, today's the day you get to swing the bat.” the Vespa woman added. “I'm not sure Haruko,” Wendy said looking at her younger friend. “Dipper really isn't the type to swing the bat.”

“I'm not good at baseball.” Dipper said. “Ah well, it is Canti's first game after all.” Haruko replied. “Oh that's right, we got Lord Canti on our team now!” Wendy exclaimed getting up and sitting behind her on the Vespa. “See ya later dude!” she called to her friend as they drove off. “Have fun.” the boy solemnly replied as he walked back inside.

Back inside the shack, Dipper walked into the living room to a horrifying site, his great uncle lying dead on the ground with the TV smashed in beside him. “Oh my gosh Grunkle Stan, are you alright?!” he panicked. “Who did this to you, what happened here?! I'll call an ambulance!” Looking over what had happened, he heard a noise and turned around to find the elderly con artist sitting at the table surprisingly looking fine. “But, how?” the boy wondered. “What's the matter Dipper? You look like you've seen a ghost.” Stan said turning to his great nephew. “Is-is everything okay?”

“Naw, I'm fine kid.” the uncle replied. “It's just that Haruko and I have built a special kind of relationship over these past few chapters.” He turned to Dipper almost robot-like. “W-what kind?” Dipper asked again. “MOUTH TO MOUTH.” Stan replied in a creepy sounding voice as Haruko's head, now wearing mouse ears, popped out of his mouth. “MOUSE!”

“Because I need you.” Haruko's words began echoing throughout his mind as various images of Waddles chasing a tiny version of her played. “It has to be this way Takkun. That's how life works, sometimes you're the cat and sometimes you're the mouse.”

“She-she once ssssaid something about h-how she needed-needed you Dipper.” Stan started talking almost like a glitched-out robot as he walked towards Dipper. “Or something like thaaaaat.”

“STOP IT ALREADY!” Dipper finally yelled as he hit his grunkle in the head with the baseball bat he was carrying and breaking the TV as well. When everything returned to reality, the boy realized that he was the one that did it.

Meanwhile back at the baseball field, Haruko had scored another point for the Forest Freaks knocking out Canti along the way, once again to the shock of the Gravity Falls Gnomes. “Wow dudes, even with Canti we're still getting murdered out there.” Soos declared as McGucket, Grenda and Robbie examined their fallen teammate. “She's probably doing it on purpose just to screw with us.” Wendy responded. Just then, a siren sounded as Haruko turned her gaze skyward to notice a large dirigible flying over them.

“A state of emergency has been declared in Gravity Falls.” a voice declared. “All citizens evacuate immediately. I repeat, all citizens evacuate.”

“Dipper Pines, age 12, student of Eggbert Elementary School in Piedmont, California, brother of Mabel Danielle Pines, son of Alexander and Danielle Pines, great nephew of Stanley Danley Pines, whom for thirty years imitated his brother Stanford Filbrick Pines after he was lost in another dimension for thirty years. Prefers to keep his first name a secret.” Amarao spoke as he sat with Dipper in a dark room. “A few days ago, a mysterious woman calling herself Haruko Haruhara had taken up residence at your temporary residence of 618 Gopher Road. Y'know, a baguette would've hit harder.”

“Listen sir, I didn't intend on hurting my grunkle!” Dipper claimed. “He was already knocked out when I found him and suddenly he was sitting down at a table all in one piece! He then started talking about how he's really got along with Haruko and and and-” The boy started frantically hyperventilating when Amarao put an end to it. “Simmer down kid.” the large eyebrowed government agent said. “Here, have a drink.” He gave Dipper a cup of tea and started putting in a few sugar cubes. “Heard you're not a big fan of spicy things. I can relate.”

“Like I said, I didn't intend on hitting him! I was just really freaked out. But thanks anyway.” Dipper responded taking the drink. “I've only heard stories about Stan and his criminal record, from pug trafficking, con artistry across multiple states, llamacide, helping transport of illegal goods, etc.” Amarao stated. “But Haruhara is him times eleven. She'll manipulate anyone to her whim to help her achieve her goals. But here she is as the object of affection for you and your uncle.”

“Wait, are you implying that Stan might have the hots for Haruko?!” Dipper exclaimed spitting out his drink. “But he's pushing sixty and she's like 19 or something!” The boy was briefly taken aback by this revelation until he noticed he spat out his drink all over Amarao. “I am so sorry man, let me help you clean that up!” he stuttered trying to search for a towel. “No need Pines, I got it covered.” he replied pulling a napkin from his suit and wiping off his face.

“So you refer to Haruhara by her first name. Are you two close?” Amarao asked. “I'm not really a big fan of her.” Dipper replied. “She's your batting coach, right?” his interrogator added. “Kind of.” the boy replied. “Do you like her swing?” the older man continued on. “I told you, I didn't intend on it! Haruko has nothing to do with this!” Dipper responded. “Then why? Because you were jealous?”

Dipper was too embarrassed to respond. “I've got a big question for you, did she ever mention anything about the Galaxy Space Police Brotherhood or the Pirate King Atomsk?” Amarao inquired. “Make sure you don't tell anyone about our little chat because it's very important, that includes your family as well.”

“Okay, thank you sir. I didn't really get your name.” Dipper said. “I'm Commander Amarao of the US government's Department of Interstellar Immigration. Thank you for your time boy.” he replied, but Dipper was already too distracted by his eyebrows. “Eyebrows.” he mumbled. “What was that about my eyebrows squirt?!” Amarao barked. “Nothing.”

“A state of emergency has been declared in Gravity Falls.” the voice from the blimp continued later that day over the deserted town. “All citizens evacuate immediately. No need to run like hell, please proceed in an orderly fashion.”

Dipper had arrived home to find his great uncle's dead body yet again but now Waddles started sniffing it. “What is it Waddles?” he asked the pig, who oinked in reply. “You're saying this isn't the real Grunkle Stan?” he continued. “Then where is he?”

Waddles led his master's brother to the boiler room across from Ford's bedroom, which contained an unplugged Tumbleweed Terror machine, a television, mattress and more but the item that caught their eye was the trash can which let off a familiar smell. Taking off the lid, Dipper found nothing except the shriveled up body of Stan, stripped down to his underclothes, staring right at him.

Screaming as loud as he can, Dipper rushed his uncle to the bathroom where he tossed him in the bathtub and turned on the water. “C'mon Stan, wake up wake up!” he cried. During this process, he started seeing images of Mabel being hoisted into the air by Canti on the water tower.

“Check it out everyone, I'm king of the world!” Mabel exclaimed as the Medical Machine held her high. “I always wanted to do that, thanks Canti!” Just then, Haruko zoomed on her Vespa below them, much to her surprise. “What's Haruko doing in such a rush?”

Meanwhile back at the Shack, Dipper had brought Stan back to normal after dumping a few buckets of water on him. “Oy, what just happened?” the elderly con artist woozily asked. “And what smells like a dead body?” Dipper was too busy dumping water on him to reply. “I guess I wasn't good enough for Haruko. She asked if she could use my head and I was happy to oblige, but I guess I died for a bit.” That's when the child remembered some more words Amarao said to him.

“N.O uses the left and right brain's distinct thought processes to open up an interdimensional channel capable of transporting things, sometimes from lightyears away in an instant.” he stated. “But she can't use just anyone's head, you gotta find the right one.”

“Grunkle Stan,” Dipper said to him. “I think Haruko might be using us for her own plans, and she wants my head.” Stan, continuing to pour water on himself, agreed. “You might be right, Haruko is not your ordinary houseguest.” As if they spoke of the devil, the Rickenbacker babe barged through the door on her scooter and running over the other Stan, much to the two's surprise.

“What you encountered was a high-tech mannequin that was created to look like your great uncle.” Amarao continued. “The equivalent of a vending machine. When the chips are down, few people can really swing the bat. Right now there's a satellite carrying a bomb heading straight for this town. This evacuation is pretty much pointless since nobody will survive the impact. I want you to go home and tell her, tell her to swing one more out of the park. Tell her it's a request from a hometown fan.”

“Yo.” Haruko greeted the two as Dipper picked up the fake Stan's head. “What's with this robo-Stan anyway?” he asked. “Who are you really?” After a moment of blankly staring at the two, Haruko replied rather fabulously. “I'm an illusion of your youth, the manifestation of the feelings in your adolescent heart!”

“Where did you get that crazy line, one of Soos' anime?” the lad asked again. “Anyway, there's a satellite falling from Earth's orbit that'll kill us all once it reaches here.” Just then, Ford burst into the living room as well in a panic. “Dipper, thank goodness you're still here!” he exclaimed. “Listen, we have to leave immediately because a government satellite is falling from the sky and is headed for here! I think we should all move to Ontario and become doctor-lawyer-scientists!” He then turned his attention to what's left of the robot replica of his brother. “Not even going to ask.”

“A double header takes a lot out of you.” Haruko stated. “Tell the hometown fan it's going to be expensive.” Ford was uneasy about this. “Wait, she's going to help us stop that satellite? But she might just give up and leave us all for dead!” Stan on the other hand was angered by his smarter brother's words. “Listen you stupid genius, Haruko knows her way around this stuff so if you think she's still untrustworthy, then you can just do it yourself and be the hero everyone says you are!”

“Ugh, fine.” Ford groaned turning to her. “So what do you say, reluctant partners?” he asked extending his hands. “Reluctant partners Doc Brown.” she replied shaking his hand.

“I say we file a complaint!” Kitsurubami exclaimed as she, Amarao, Powers and Trigger met at the diner. Trigger was currently on the phone speaking with the government about replacement soldiers and a new base. “No, the satellite bomb was our secret backup plan in case of dire emergency.” Amarao responded. “We can't let it go public. She really is a terror, that Raharu.”

“Raharu?” Powers wondered as his superior pulled out a picture of Mabel and Haruko wearing matching sweaters. “Haruko Raharu.” he replied. “Her plan is to penetrate us, the foreign embassy and the Medical Mechanica. That's why she made this whole thing happen.”

“And she's willing to kill hundreds just to get her way.” Trigger thought getting off the phone as they spotted Haruko & Dipper on her Vespa with Stan and Ford driving close behind. “Those poor kids.” Just then, the waitress showed up at their table opening her closed eye. “So, any of you want something?” she asked. “We'll take four coffee omelets to go please.” Kitsurubami answered.

Dipper's forehead began blinking again as his pine tree hat flew off his head. “Whoa, I think there might be another robot coming!” he cried. “Don't fret kid, Medical Mechanica is just up ahead!” Ford responded pointing towards the factory. “Why the Jekyll does it look like a giant clothes iron?” Stan added.

“Whoa!” Mabel gasped as the satellite moved closer to the town. “Hey Canti, do you think that satellite looks like the Satellite of Love?” she asked her robot companion, who just shrugged in reply before noticing a red blinking light atop Medical Mechanica, and the girl noticed it too. “Hey, that must be Dipper!” she exclaimed. “But what's he doing up there? C'mon Canti, we gotta get over there!” The machine nodded as she hopped on his shoulders and flew off.

“Isn't this where it's heading?” Dipper wondered as he sat atop the robot plant. “By my calculations, this location would take the least damage.” Ford explained examining the current location of the satellite. “Thanks for being a nerd man, now here we go!” Haruko said as she placed a cloth around Dipper's head and started pressing on his scalp. “Hey, what're you doing to me?” he groaned as she started digging around. “Just hold still!” she said continuing on with her task.

“What is she even doing?” the Stan twins said in unison. “Ha, you owe me a beer if we survive! Ha, you owe me two beers if we survive! Now you owe me three beers!” they exclaimed. “Okay, I think we should-hey, quit saying what I'm saying!” Just then, Canti came flying in with Mabel on his head. “Hey everyone, what's up?” she called as he landed before them. “Oh, we're just trying to save the town from a satellite that's going to crash and kill us all!” Ford replied.

“Hey, I didn't know boys were this sensitive here!” Haruko stated as she continued with Dipper's head. “Please, stop touching me there!” the boy replied before she began pulling out a red object. “Well what're you waitin' for, pop it already!” the Vespa woman struggled pulling on it. “If I rush, it won't pop! Please start going slow!” Dipper cried still groaning before she finally pulled out the object, revealing itself to be a Gibson Flying V. “What is that?” he asked gazing at it. “It's your 'bat'.” she replied. “Wait a minute, that's a Gibson Flying V!” Stan exclaimed. “Just like Albert King!” Ford added.

“Impressive.” Kitsurubami moaned as her nose started bleeding while the four government agents watched the event from afar. “Does Haruko really think that kid is going to save us all?” Agent Powers inquired. “Does everyone back at base have the lowdown?” Trigger spoke into his earpiece. “Positive Trigger, we have cameras all over Gravity Falls!” a female agent back at Washington stated, her nose bleeding as well. “Tracking altitude, now entering final descent!”

“Purge sequence initiate!” another bloody-nosed agent ordered as the satellite began falling apart and rocketing towards Gravity Falls, making the sky glow various colors. “It's entering the lower atmosphere!”

“It's getting closer everyone, get behind Canti!” Ford exclaimed as he, Stan and Mabel did so. “Now if you do it like I showed you, it'll be perfect.” Haruko said holding Dipper close to her. “It's okay?” he responded before they all turned to it. “Hey here it comes, keep your eye on it kid! Ready?” she exclaimed as the satellite got closer. “That boy is....” Kitsurubami exclaimed. “That kid will never pull it off!” Amarao finished her sentence. “Impact is imminent!” the woman back at Washington announced as the satellite turned into a giant hand and then immediately fell apart.

“What, but that's impossible!” Dipper exclaimed. “Haruko? Haruko!” He looked around for her but returned his attention to the giant machine headed straight for him. “It's spinning!” Powers shouted. “It's a sinker!” Trigger added. As the object, now turned into a giant sphere, got closer to Dipper, time somehow came to a complete stop followed by the sky around him shattering like glass as three figures flew down.

“Ah, I see the bearer of Atomsk's Horn is here.” the first figure wearing a red cape said. “And it's a little boy too!” the second one in a white haramaki sash added. “Who would've guessed?” the third with hair like fire exclaimed. “Wait, who are you freaks?” Ford exclaimed looking at the three. “No, that's impossible! He should be dead!” he muttered fearfully. “What're you talkin' about?” Stan asked. “IT'S DIAMOND BRANDY!” his brother screamed in horror. “Ah, at last somebody recognizes me.” Diamond Brandy pridefully announced chuckling. “And you must be the one who took my treasured mask.”

“I'll never hand over the Eyes of Heaven you heathen!” the scientist boldly stated glaring at Brandy's two new minions. “Listen to us old man, hand it over or we'll turn your flesh into a fine quiche!” the one in the haramaki sash cackled madly. “No, I think we should turn him into a fine stew.” the firehead rebutted. “Stews are for foolish mortals, I say we make him into a quiche!” his partner exclaimed. Before they could continue debating, Canti gave them what for by beating them both up. “I'm still saying quiche!”

“ENOUGH YOU TWO IDIOTS!” Brandy angrily bellowed before turning his attention to Dipper. “So you want to 'swing the bat', am I right?” he purred. “Uh, yeah.” the boy replied sheepishly. “Well then, allow me to help you. Stinger, Loggken, get over here!” The two rose up and floated over to their master, hugging each other as they began to glow. Eventually Brandy started glowing when he joined in on the hug and they all formed into a titan of insane power. “Now then, play ball.” the beast said as he flew behind the sphere and time restarted.

“SATELLITE SMASH!!!” he screamed as he pushed it closer to Dipper, who was howling in terror. “Takkun!” he finally shouted, which caused the symbol from chapter 2 to appear on Canti's screen again as well as his forehead. “Maybe when the chips are down, he's too scared to swing the bat.” Haruko said as she zipped down the building on her Vespa. “Depending on what happens here, to all the folks reading this, sayonara!” She said her goodbyes to the readers before noticing that all the lights turned on and shined incredibly brightly as Dipper struggled to hit the sphere being pushed by the fusion of Diamond Brandy, Stinger and Loggken when suddenly, his “bat” set on fire. “What?!” he exclaimed.

“It's pushing him back!” Kitsurubami shouted. “He swung the bat.” Amarao said. Dipper continued to struggle as the “bat” continued burning brightly. “Wait, is that....” the titan exclaimed as his form began to distort. “It can't be!” Just then, the sphere stopping spinning as it started pulsing. “Oh no, it's going to blow up!” Trigger exclaimed as it prepared to self-destruct. Dipper watched in horror as he prepared to meet his fate when suddenly, Haruko jumped into the air, Rickenbacker in hand and slammed it as well.

“NO.....NO!!!” the titan screamed before finally defusing, leaving Diamond Brandy to be launched into the air while Stinger and Loggken started glowing, somehow turning back into the scientists Stuart and Ken from earlier this chapter. The impact started shaking up the town something fierce, causing various small earthquakes as the sky reverted to blue and Brandy was propelled skyward, screaming along the way.

“I-I can't believe it.” Stan gasped in awe. “Dipper....” Ford added. “He finally swung the bat!” Mabel cheered as she ran out and hugged her brother. “You did it Dipper, we're all alive!” she cried before noticing that Dipper was rendered unconscious. “Think we should let him rest sweetie.” Stan said to his great-niece as he came to her side. “And maybe we should find where those two idiots should go.” he added pointing to Stuart and Ken, who were laughing wildly and hugging. “I can't believe we're still alive!” Stuart cried. “Thank you guys!” Ken thanked the Pines family. “Is there anything we can do to repay you?”

“How about we bring you back to where you belong?” Ford offered. “That'd be great! We work for the Department of Interstellar Immigration.” Stuart said.

Before anyone knew it, it was finally over. Haruko was driving back to the Mystery Shack on her Vespa with Dipper sleeping beneath her and Mabel clinging onto her back. Stan, Ford & Canti followed behind on the Stanleymobile with Stuart and Ken with them. “What'd I tell you Ford, she is pretty trustworthy.” Stan said to his brother. “Okay, you're sort of right about that, but I can't help but feel she's got bigger plans for us.” Ford said. “Diamond Brandy is now brought back to life and he knows about Dipper's horn. I think we should try and keep the kids safe from him at all costs.” The trickster didn't listen as he continued driving. “You're not even listening are you?”

“Hey, if you guys pass by a red-haired man with big eyebrows and his partners, they're with us.” Stuart said from the backseat. “In fact, they there are right now!” Ken added pointing to Amarao, Kitsurubami, Powers and Trigger standing on the side of the road. “Oh no, not those two guys.” Stan whispered. “Thankfully we wiped all their memories of your case, so we might be in the clear.” Ford responded as they exited the car.

“Greetings friendly neighborhood law enforcers!” Stan greeted them nervously. “Are these the nutty professors you're looking for?” he asked. “Yes indeed they are sir,” Powers answered. “last we saw of them, they've been brainwashed by a mad god-wannabe into becoming his minions and now, here they are.” The two scientists were happy to see their superiors again. “We really missed you guys!” Ken said as hugged Powers incredibly tight. “Please get off of me Simpson.” he groaned. “I think it looks like we need to take you two back to Washington for extensive rehabilitation.”

“We'll be back with more men, but you two are on your own from here on out. Good luck.” Trigger added as they walked away with the scientists, who waved farewell. “Thank you Ronald.” Amarao said before turning back to Stan. “I've got my eye on you Pines.” he coldly stated to the elder. Stan reacted by slowly stepping backwards before returning to the car.

As they all drove back home, Haruko looked down at Dipper before starting to laugh wildly. “Crisis report.” Amarao said. “All systems functioning online and normally. The satellite achieved escape velocity at gamma-four.” Kitsurubami replied. “Bomb neutralized, satellite en-route to galaxies unknown!”

“Drat.” Amarao grumbled as one of his eyebrows fell off, much to his companion's shock.

Meanwhile in the deepest recesses of space, the satellite drifted throughout the cosmos with Diamond Brandy still clinging on to it. “He has.....Firestarter.” he thought to himself. “He will.....BE MINE.” He cracked an evil smile despite being frozen from the cold of space, as he began concocting another plan.

Hey dudes, Soos here! Wow, only two chapters left and this'll all be over! Anyway, big shout out to a user named The Tell-Tale Man for being such a great reviewer.

Anyway, join us next time for Fooly Falls chapter 5. It's gonna be like a John Woo film, just you wait!

#gravity falls #flcl #crossover #fanfiction #fooly falls #dipper pines #mabel pines #haruko haruhara #canti #stanley pines #stanford pines #commander amarao #lt. kitsurubami #agent powers #agent trigger #diamond brandy

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