#my back locked up after spending 3hrs standing in the exact same spot debating politics with someone bc i refuse to sit on his bed instead
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent#hahaha everything is spiraling out of my control again and i have no will to do anything about it haha ha#i don’t even want any help i just wanna be left alone to numb my brain with unhealthy indulgences until the consequences crash down on me#i mean i don’t Want the consequences but i know they’ll happen. i can feel them building. it’s inevitable.#but if i were Truly alone and had no one reaching out to me then it’d be like 2020 again and i don’t think i could survive that#so i should really force myself to talk to certain people and like. be a decent human and try to act like a decent friend. but ik im not#i take peoples presence in my life for granted until they stop putting up with my shit. as they should. as they really should.#my social drive and capacity is just so low. so so low. but thats not a good excuse. neither are any of my other excuses.#im just so. empty. brain feels like . a brick. sigh. my mouth hurts. will i go clean it out though? no. no im gonna sit here and eat#eat eat eat thats all i do. i need a shower. i have to go to the bank. the aquariums need tending. the house needs repairs. i need sleep#i need a drivers license and a trip to the dentist. an autism diagnosis. testosterone gel. a legal name change. a real hug.#but anyways. i’ve been told it’s annoying how much i repeat the things i need to do. so i should learn to be quiet about them.#i should learn to be more quiet in general. venting is just putting my negativity out into the world. and before the eyes of people with-#-enough on their plate. my head hurts. almost like doomscrolling Reddit for 3 hours was a bad idea huh#my back locked up after spending 3hrs standing in the exact same spot debating politics with someone bc i refuse to sit on his bed instead#the amount of time i’ve spent standing in that doorway over the years is insane. listening to him drunk-yap from the comfort of his bed.#but if i go get a chair he talks even longer so. anyways had to lay down to let my back loosen up afterwards and instead of playing a game#or catching up with a friend or doing anything that might actually improve my mood i just doomscrolled and triggered myself again. :)#now my head hurts and i’m hungry and thirsty and unclean and i just wish he was proud of me. i wish they were proud of me. but im nothing#what’s there to be proud of. what’s there to love. just a burden that he never wanted and the reason they both drink. apparently.#how in God’s name am i twenty five years old. i feel like a child. an overgrown child. fumbling around and playing pretend.#if i have to hear him say ‘suck my dick’ one more time im gonna break something. what a crude insult. stop putting that image in my head.#i guess there’s always gonna be a gaping hole where his unconditional love was supposed to be. as much as i try to ignore it. it hurts.#don’t even know why i want praise from someone so ignorant that i had to explain to him that frankenstein’s monster wasn’t ever real#this is hypocritical coming from a 7th grade dropout but lack of education or at least desire & ability to access factual information is-#-a fucking travesty. it’s sad but it’s also dangerous. ignorance is toxic. we have a fucking education crisis.#how the fuck we went from arguing over dr. frankenstein’s fictional status to fact-checking his statements on the national debt idfk#ah fuck its ten till midnight i have to speed run my dailies. whatever thats enough venting anyway. i should just delete it all
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