#my autism is going to explode 🌚 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

deep-peach · 2 years ago

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augh i don’t even know who to talk to about any of this, i’m exploding

i was really anticipating just taking a few classes and doing tea club and maaaybe having a distance job w flexible hours for extra money

and in this this one meeting my advisor was like oh ok so you should actually teach a 101 language class this fall and also translate some of that book u talked about last spring and then we’ll use the book and ur translations in the class i’m teaching

also shadow another teacher to start teaching literature classes

like ok sure i’ll get tuition covered which was a big worry but uh

i have The Autism and Social Anxiety and Unmedicated, Wild, Out of Control ADHD

y’all rly trust me to teach!!????? an entire class????????

lord i can barely keep my basic particles straight when i talk how could i possible grade students on their mistakes 😞😞😞 i’d be a hypocrite!!! i need help myself!!!!!!!! but he was p insistent that the work that goes into the modern lit class would be a much bigger demand of my time energy and focus and i do trust him and don’t want to wade into dark territory at the start.

but i did miss all my scholarship deadlines so idk what choice i have…. so i started reviewing my basic grammar again (rip that i threw out my 101 and 102 books since i figured i wouldn’t need to reference them……. it’s always the ONE thing i let go of that i realize i need ffs) and i’ve been studying my kanji again the past month or so already so that’s good. i’ve gotten half this first chapter typed up and 1.5 pages of rough translation. i hope he doesn’t want this whole book for fall 🌚 but i could probably get a chapter or two ready by august at least.

woof. i know being in academia means teaching but like this is so much right from the start that i was desperately hoping to avoid. but i know i need to get stronger at public speaking & being more of a leader or mentor etc, and it’s something i’ve really wanted the opportunity to try to grow into but i haven’t been in that position before. i’ve never even been like, a key supervisor or whatever in retail you know? and now i’m a teacher???? at least i’m Old compared to other fresh grad students straight from undergrad but like idk if my life experience measures up to someone else my age. and, this is a good chance to feel out if i should pursue a phd and/or another masters, and if academia is a good career path for me; or if i should just look at making some okay money in a boring office job and translate things on the side as a passion. idk man. my anxiety is really rough and so is my physical health. it’s a lot of pressure 😞 but i think i should go with it and see what happens.

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