#my anxiety is making everything hurt
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#need my head to stop screaming at me pls#make it stop#it’s been non stop for days#i just want to feel okay#my anxiety is making everything hurt#my chest feels so tight and burning all the time#i’m always crying#ugh i want to stop existing pls
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Dabi is surprisingly a lightweight. You honestly would’ve never figured by looking at him, but as you think back on it, you’ve never really seen him drink a lot. Not when there were celebratory parties, or when things didn’t go right for him. It’s why you’re so shocked when you convince two shots into his system, why he suddenly looks so loose, why his grin splits so wide.
He’s a clinger, you’ve also learned as you’ve started observing the blue eyed man where he shoves his face into the crook of your neck. His body bends over almost uncomfortably to fit into the position, and you can’t help but flinch a little when his damp breath blows a quiet little raspberry on your flesh.
omg wait my favorite thought is of you not even necessarily being a heavyweight, you can just handle your liquor a little better than anyone expects. you love to knock back drink after drink, convince Dabi into some stupid competition that he falls for because he’s such a little nerd and secretly wants to impress you. he does it thinking you’ll be the drunk one first, the one hanging off of his arm and hopefully his dick by the end of the night.
it belatedly shocks him when it’s the exact opposite. when he’s slurring a little and smiling at you, when you watch him through low eyes with a wide grin, when he wraps himself around you like a python, when you shake his face gently as you squish his cheeks together in hand. he’s just so utterly obsessed with you in these moments, and maybe it’s the liquor in him, but he knows his lowered inhibitions are only bringing forth the feelings he’s always suppressed.
drunk sex with Dabi where he’s the one too loose limbed and limp and weak. he flops onto bed like some rag doll with his arms and legs spread wide, but he musters up enough strength to release the heavy weight of his cock from its confinements. doesn’t do much besides lift his head from the pillows with a point to his crotch and a lazy grin, an announcement of, go ahead and hop on already before he’s flopping back down again, ready to lay back and get fucked like how he knows he deserves.
#at first I wrote about him getting whisky dick and not even realizing it and being so embarrassed about it the next morning#but it made me laugh too hard and I was like#no one will enjoy that dude shut up AJSHDKDJDJD#but omg lightweight baby that can only cling to you and whine to go back to your room to fuck#only to pass out immediately on the bed lmfao#I love him I’m gonna str*ngle him so bad#anyway I finished all my work for the week and now I feel empty so I will be moving onto next weeks work tomorrow LOL NERD#but everything next week is simple too so why not get it out the way ya know????#after that I might sit down and actually write another fic since it’s been a little minute#everyone voted for therapist obsessed bkg next but I kinda wanna write something emotional for touya now lmfao#I’m becoming so obsessed with him and it HURTS!!!!!#I can only handle one ☝🏻 at a time or else I start getting the shakes#also omg my regular dr is making me go to the heart dr bc she said my anxiety worries her for my physical condition aksjdj embarrassing#okay bye I’m gonna read a little and sleep#—new treat in the streets! 🍫#dabi treats! 🍬#tw: alchohol mention
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あ
#Robin processes emotions on main#already I am struggling with studying Japanese#not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that#but with this horrible kind of anxiety#I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up.#this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough#it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY.#it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's—#hhhhhhhhhhhh#it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much#and I don't know HOW to learn it#I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going#going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker.......#I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS#No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!!#WAH!!!!#I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards#I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime#it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out#Robin learns Japanese
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tw sh mention
i know im actively fighting for my life (probably literally) against a wound rn but i have never had stronger urges in my life
#everything hurts so much#every second is a nonstop war of anxiety being waged on my body n mind#every single thing that happens i want to cry and i want to cut i want to make it go away#i dont know why im so bad right now#i dont know what to do#i feel so powerless#i just want to play games i want to b silly i just want an Escape
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Day 2,569,364 of being called evil for liking Dottore, and having my favourite character be slandered because some are too big of pussies to just say “I don’t like the character” like normal people
#I saw several people accuse Dottore of being a rapist today. yep. it’s gotten that bad#“a heretic who has no regard for those who aren’t of used to him? well he must like diddling kids!” PLEASE TOUCH GRASS#tw sa mention#tw pedophila mention#like#this is gonna sound so mentally ill but I am mentally ill so bear with me#I am so attached to Dottore#this character just existing has taught me so much about myself and made me so much more comfortable with who I am#he’s a major comfort character for me y’know?#I am not joking when I say that I adore these pixels formed into the shape of a very attractive man#like—thinking about him has calmed me down from anxiety/panic attacks kind of comfort#so seeing people just being so. dumb. it hurts on a whole other level#I really wish people online would gain the balls to say “I don’t like [this character]” instead of making everything a moral issue#just say you don’t like villains. ‘cuz good for you#but then they’d have to explain why they like Arlecchino and Raiden (who are both very much villains just with softer sides)#and they’re too ashamed to admit they just think evil women are hot#bro#these people make me so frustrated#why can’t they just act like normal humans instead of harassing and attacking others for liking a fictional character?#shout out to that Hu Tao main who sexually harassed me for liking Dottore btw I hope you’re going to therapy for your obvious issues#UGH#vent#Dottore my beloved#thanks for reading all these tags btw#I’m gonna go look at pictures of Dottore and imagine a world where this fandom has more people with critical thinking skills than not#(Dottore’s emphasis on others needing shrewdness [common sense] is so real)
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Excellent: I have EXTREMELY vivid emotional development in mind for my character and it's SO compelling
Devastating: It's me projecting onto them
#hannah's rambles#okay listen. without revealing too much of my personal life or anything heres the gen concept:#me @ lambert and#love is talked about as feelinf beautiful#as making everything feel worth it and hopeful but also complex and hurtful and anxiety-inducing#what i dont see people talking about enough is the disgust with yourself.#Anyway lamberts gonna try to gaslight themself about their own (romantic) love
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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#fuck I can’t sleep with the lingering anxiety about my dumbass mistake#this morning I sent my mom camping pics and included one that had a shot of my engagement ring#I never told her about getting engaged because I couldn’t stand the thought of my parents’ reactions#whether they were shocked and then forcefully cheerful#or outwardly disturbed#I just didn’t want it to spoil how I felt#honestly there’s every chance they won’t notice the ring#though my hands are prominent in the picture#but I sent them this morning and she responded that she’d look at the pics later#still no response at the end of the day#again every possibility that she just forgot/didn’t get around to it#but it’s eating away at me to think of her feeling betrayed because I kept it from her#it hurts because I want to trust her with everything and some part of me does trust her with everything#but then I get reminded of why I shouldn’t and it hurts#and I can’t figure out how bad of a person it makes me for keeping them in the dark#ugh#pay no attention to the blogger behind the screen
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accepted a job in october under the assumption it was remote bc it said it was. flash forward to now and it’s no longer remote and my manager is on my ass about not owning a car too. it’s crazy bc I really did think my financial situation was finally improving, I finally have health insurance, and I was this close to moving to my dream state of california. and now im days away from being fired. if I don’t quit first. the situation with my manager has become so dire that the only thing I can focus on is my job anxiety. I swear i’ve nearly had a heart attack every day since last week. the anxiety over when she’ll fire me or when she’ll find out I don’t live in the location the job is and how this job could’ve been ok if it weren’t for the fact they lied about the remoteness and how desperately afraid I am of her firing me is all consuming. I haven’t eaten in 2 days. I have isolated myself from everyone I love bc I can’t think, can’t focus on anything but how soul crushing and visceral the anxiety is, how it’s eating away at my stomach and my brain and my soul and I don’t know what to do
#if I continue at this job I think I will lose my sanity#only to eventually be fired#if I quit at least I can have some control over the all consuming anxiety#but then no job means no money and no insurance#and I was so close#so close to being able to move out and live in cali#everything hurts and I can’t breathe properly and haven’t been able to breathe or have a stomach that isn’t in knots for over a week#being unemployed wasn’t nearly this anxiety inducing#i’ll have to tuck tail and give up on my dreams of moving out if I quit#but I don’t see another option#I just I just truly hope that this coming job search will be more successful than last time#maybe I can find a retail job that has insurance#im so afraid#this is all my fault#I wish that I knew how to make the right decision
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what do you MEAN I have to face old wounds and fears in order to achieve things in life and grow as a person in those specific areas that’s where I’m sensitive!!
#I’m gonna thrup#took tomorrow off to get totally better from being sick#and my brain decided to speed run all my nebulous anxieties about certain things in the future#and how I need to be doing MORE right NOW#and how it’s all gonna be completely TERRIBLE if I don’t do everything now and perfectly and it makes me a pathetic person#and then I look under the surface and it’s like#hmm I remember this issue what are you doing here#which like#HELPS to see that that’s what it is#and as I get older and wiser I feel more capable of dealing with stuff every time#but still!!!!#I need to focus on relaxing but apparently the closest I can get to that is rotting#before it turns into full blown vague panic#ughhghhhhhhhhhh now my stomach hurts
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i have decided i wasn't built to be a human
#why is anxiety so dumb like WHY AM I AFRAID OF EVERYTHING???#why do i make myself physically sick and cry for hours#i literally cried so much last night my eyes still hurt after waking up#i try to relax but i CAAAANNNTTTT#i hate my brain#kenzie.txt
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i just remembered how my mom used to say its actually her religious right to treat her children however she wants and if we retaliate we would be completely at fault bc the parent should ALWAYS be treated with utmost respect
#she would say how the child has to respect their parents and bring them to church if they were to become a christian#as an example#how abusive#to tell children they should accept all behaviors towards them and never say anything or fight back#of course i argued with her but i internalized that#i still blame myself too much and am not as nice as i want to be towards myself for even the most minor things#bc she did that to me my whole life#belittled for everything at least and beat for it at worst#now it takes a lot of tries to not shame myself when something is comlpetely out of my control#bc according to her everything is my fault#if she spills water its my fault for distracting her#if she hits me for something my dad did then its his fault that she Had to beat me#no bro u decided to hit me thats YOUR choice#i hate them both so much for what they did to me#how they instilled guilt in me for trying to have boundaries and fighting for myself#i still am a people pleaser bc of that#its a raw very raw fear that if i displease someone they will hurt me#i have to remind myself over and over that someone being upset at my boundaries is not a reason for me to not have that boundary#if ur mad thats ur problem stay away from me then#i just will care too much about upsetting other people but its not my job to regulate everyone elses feelings#it makes me so mad#when theres something i need and am not getting and its bc im so scared of making people mad#even if they cant put their hands on me now#im sick of the paranoia and constant anxiety they have put in me#cant go outside without being scared they will pop up out of nowhere and try to ruin my life again#ivebeen living by myself for two years now and still so scared to even open my curtains sometimes#🧃#its disgusting to me how they think they own me#how they STILL think that any negative action i take towards them must be inspired by someone or something else#it could never be bc of their own abuse towards me
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Oh boy it sure is nice not being alloromantic/allosexual enough to be "normal" but also not aromantic/asexual enough to be a good aromantic/aspec person (:
Sure is nice to finally have a community I totally fit into, everyone is SO welcoming
#chaotic rants#“there's no platonic explanation for this!” there is actually#“when are you gonna get a date/get married/have kids?” never#“let's get you fixed up so you and your boyfriend/girlfriend can have sex! ^w^” “i dont have one” “oh im sure you'll find one :0”#“i dont want a significant other and i never will” “oh that's just your anxiety talking. it'll go away once your anxiety's cured!”#vs#“ugh all these allosexuals are SO OBSESSED with shipping”#“are allosexuals okay”#“not EVERYTHING has to be a ship”#“if you ship a canonically aro character you're erasing the representation and are evil and should be hurt/killed”#vs...#“who cares about the lore of this game? what if the characters just fuck and nothing else”#“lol that character isnt het/bi that makes no sense!” it has canonical proof/is obviously shipteased all the time but okay#“lol that character isnt bi/pan that makes no sense!” it's not contradicted by canon even the tiniest bit but okay#-finally finds a character that's ACTUALLY similar my experience being aroaspec-#-that character is the butt of every joke and a mockery of me and everyone like me as people-#“yeah the 'aroace character is obsessed with food' thing is an annoying stereotype! but it's all you're getting so be happy about it :)”#“lol this character that is canonically het and is constantly sexually harassed is actually canonically aroace.”#“what? you find that offensive and uncomfortable? fuck you im asexual and i get to decide what is and isnt canonically aroace” okay#“you think this other character is canonically aroace? uhhhh no you're wrong that's an offensive stereotype idiot”#-it's the one character in the entire canon that's literally never shown any attraction to anyone else-#“this character was turned aroace by this other character. even tho this is offensive with any other sexuality it's totally fine here!”#“also yes you're a bad person if you ship this character even though they're only aroace in fanon”#“here's our webcomic where everyone's gay or trans or both! ...what? sorry there's no aro or ace or aroace characters in this.”#“fuck you if you were hopeful there would be”#vs!!#“oh everything in fiction is a person's idealized reality!”#“shipping is everyone's idealized romantic/sexual relationship!”#“if you like this in fiction then you like it and want it to happen in reality!”
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#today was such a long fucking day and i was made so fucking uncomfortable i literally threatened to walk out of a fucking funeral#i got told im dressed inappropriately just because im perceived as a girl and i was wearing pants#PANTS.#theres no such thing as a funeral dress code that prevents me from wearing pants. people just didnt like it#i got told by two extended family members that i was inappropriate. and later also by my mom#who didnt say anything when they picked me up. it was fine by her at that time but later when others said it wasnt fine? yeah#im so fucking tired man#i know the extended half family doesnt like me ive always been a black sheep but this just. yeah#at a funeral no less#i dont want to see these people ever again im so fucking tired. i dont want to see anyone ever again tbh#just let me sleep forever and rot away please im tired#sorry my headache makes me angry and upset just. its all just so much#im just glad this whole hassle is over and i dont have to think about this anymore. but between all the stress and anxiety and grief#and everything else? yeah this. this aint it fam#im so mentally fucking shot i just want to sleep but my body is still kinda in a fight or flight mode with this and the grief its so hard#and my head hurts. so yeah. i dont fucking know#i just need someone to hold me before i combust#again sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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#really having the hardest time the last couple of days my emotions are so extreme and i feel so shitty#i’m scared to go to my appointment tomorrow idk what is going on with my body but its not good i can just tell#and its giving me so much anxiety its making my chest hurt#i feel like i can’t even bring myself to talk about it#:/#anyways wish i could stop crying about everything
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