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ace-in-a-shopping-cart · 4 years ago

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Director’s Cut Chapter 18: A Long Overdue Talk

Director’s cut chapter 16

Virgil woke the next morning curled around Elliott, who was trying to get out of bed. Virgil gave a soft groan before untangling their tails and rolling over. “Five more minutes.”

Elliott laughed. “Looks like someone got used to sleeping in.”

Virgil sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and floating slightly before sinking back down into the natural bed. “What time is it?”

“Just past nine.” ADHDers have a delayed circadian rhythm that makes them sleep from midnight to 10 am.

Virgil nodded, and moved to grab a fresh covering from the closet. He opened his jewelry box for the first time in a few moons and decided to go all out. He was home, he was royalty, and he wanted to show it. Before he slid the first armband on, his eyes caught on the bracelet Roman had given him. His smile was tinged with sadness at the edges but he kept it on, brushing his thumb over it. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“What was that?” Elliott asked as they turned back around.

Virgil shrugged. “Nothing. Nothing, let’s get to breakfast.”

They headed down to the dining room and took their places. Virgil’s mother commented on him being gone longer than normal but the family was used to him disappearing for moons at a time so no one made too big of a deal out of it. He tends to wander off a lot and has time blindness.

Toby and Ember were talking about Ember’s crush and how she thought a Necklace was in her future. Nate and Jasper were discussing plans for the crops. Andy, as usual, was just sitting off to the side. Virgil bumped their shoulders together as he sat. “How are you doing?”

Andy just leaned his head on Virgil’s shoulder. “I should be asking you that.”

Virgil chuckled. “I’ll be fine. How have you been holding up?”

Andy closed his eyes, looking exhausted. Virgil knew his twin like his own mind and there was something they needed to talk about. “I’ve been taking it one day at a time, Virgie. Don’t worry about me.”

Virgil laughed. “It’s my job to worry about you, silly.” He squeezed his twin’s hand as they began the meal. “We’ll talk about that later, okay?”

After the meal, Andy said he was going to be in his room so Virgil went to the garden to try to sketch out the Necklace design. He picked up the slate and writing utensils, bemoaning the loss of paper and pencil. Just as he was getting somewhere with the drawing, a knock sounded at the arch. ADHD comes with high creativity due to hyperfocus.

He looked up, hair floating in the midmorning current. “Yes?”

One of the royal guards was there, looking slightly annoyed. “Someone found a royal-finned out by the edge of town. He says he wants to talk to you.”

Virgil nodded, putting his drawings and thoughts aside. “Send him in, won’t you?” He tried to put on the princely mask he’d always worn for affairs of state like this but he found that it was eerily similar to the polite mask he’d worn at the party. An event he would rather not think of at the moment.

He had no idea who he was expecting to see but it certainly wasn’t the very person, the very human, he was trying to forget. Logan swam in, his hair a mess the current had used as a toy, his shirt rumpled and barely coming far enough down, and his legs in the form of an indigo tail that, despite Virgil’s best efforts, his brain categorized as complementary to his own and a color that looked very nice on the human prince. Logan smiled at him, his hand coming up for a tentative wave. It was the meekest Virgil had ever seen him and, despite all that had happened in the past day, it hurt.

Part of him was elated to see him again, to know that he was here with him instead of with the-. He couldn’t bear to finish that sentence. Instead, he waved the guard away and rose to stand. “What are you doing here? Better question, how did you get here?”

Logan didn’t respond, his eyes scanning Virgil. The mer crossed his arms, acutely aware of just how many bands he had and how few rings. When Logan’s eyes met his again, the human took a deep breath with a wince, clearly not used to breathing water.

“It started at the cliff. I talked with the . . . entity that you gave the stone to. They gave me a tail for three days and I set off to find you. So, I swam for what must have been three hours before time and exhaustion caught up with me and I fell asleep. I woke to a . . .” His voice trailed off as he searched for the right word before eventually just gesturing to Virgil’s tail.

“Mer. We’re called ‘mer’.” Virgil supplied in a tone that conveyed more anger than the hurt he truly felt at seeing Logan here.

“Right, a mer. She asked me which blessing I came from and where my contingent was, claiming she’d never seen me in town before. I have no idea what she meant by blessing so I just asked for you and they brought me here.”

Virgil held up a hand. “What name did you ask for specifically?”

“Virgil. I asked to see a Virgil. I described the purple tail and the side fins,” he gestured to the ones that lined his own sides, “and they brought me here.”

Virgil nodded. “And why are you here?”

Logan frowned, awkwardly moving forward until he was as close as Virgil normally allowed. “Why wouldn’t I be here?” His tone made him sound as if he had no idea what he’d done wrong.

Virgil scoffed, throwing his arms wide. “Maybe because you played with my feelings for a few moons before asking to kiss someone else?”

Logan huffed out a breath, turning to the side slightly before turning back. “How about the lying? How about the consorting with that entity, leading me on all summer, the fake amnesia? How much of that was the truth?” He paused, hurt in his eyes. “Do you even truly care for me?”

That made Virgil snap, his heart shattering. “Out of all the questions to ask!” He had to take a second to run a hand down his face, batting at his floating hair. “Do you even know what I’ve been through in the past day, let alone the past four moons?” He paused for breath, sending a glare toward Logan when the human opened his mouth to speak. “I’ve been captured by pirates who wanted to sell me for profit, made a deal for my life with Remy, faked amnesia just to get that trinket of a necklace, fallen in love with a human and I might as well have betrayed my entire blessing in the process!” Only at the end did Virgil realize he’d been raising his volume the whole time and was now shouting at someone he’d once thought he’d never hurt. Emotions too big for the event that caused them.

Logan opened his mouth to give a rebuttal but paused. “Fallen in love? How would you be betraying your entire blessing by doing so?” His voice was softer and at a lower volume.

Virgil shook his head, feeling the headache that comes with tears. His voice was shaky but he managed. “No. You don’t get to hear all of my secrets and pain while I know you’re in love with someone else.” Easily emotional and still dealing with the vestiges of RSD.

“But I’m not!” Logan ran a hand through his hair uselessly. “I thought he was you!” This was quiet, barely drifting to him.

It was Virgil’s turn to pause, hand reaching to rub his aching eyes. “What?”

“It’s a story that most people would question the sanity of but suffice it to say that the person you saw, or think you saw, was a shapeshifter using your likeness.”

The space was silent for a time before Virgil sniffled. “Does that mean . . .?”

Logan nodded, coming just shy of Virgil’s personal space. “I had wanted to ask if I could kiss you before I professed undying love.”

Virgil smiled, feeling heat rise in his cheeks. “Is it too late to accept the kiss?”

Logan shook his head as his hands came up to cradle Virgil’s cheeks. Virgil’s head dipped down and their lips connected. In that moment, Virgil could have sworn time had stopped. The kiss was sweet and short but it was also everything Virgil had dreamed it would be even before he’d known he wanted it.

“Now,” Logan said when they broke the kiss, “what was that about you betraying your blessing? And, what is a blessing?”

Virgil settled back down in his seat on the sea moss, turning the slate over and hiding the picture that now served a new purpose. “A blessing is a group of mer.” He waited as Logan settled by his side, tails intertwining. “The reason I might have betrayed my blessing by falling for you is that I was willing to give up my life here and live with you on the land. Typically, once a mer chooses to leave their blessing, they aren’t allowed back in.”

Logan took his hand and gently rubbed his thumb over the back of it. “I’m grateful that you are willing to do that.”

Virgil leaned into him, his free hand sliding through the water to hover over Logan’s cheek. The human leaned into his palm and Virgil could have melted. “May I kiss you?” Virgil’s voice was a whisper that was almost a purr.

Logan smiled and leaned in.

Director’s cut chapter 19

#jots #virgil sanders #logan sanders #analogical #mer!virgil #adhd!virgil #the little mermaid au #ace writes #director's cut #jots bonus features

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rorynne · 5 years ago

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Touch

Pairing: Bucky/Reader

Summary: Request: a fic where the reader really hates being touched by someone they’re not close with and all the Avengers learn about it. Except they only accept being touched by people they’re close with or someone they like and that’s how one of the Avengers realises the reader likes them. You can do it with whoever, i know it’ll be great anyway! -Anon

Warnings: None as far as I know, its just Rory Brand Fluff.

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: It should not have taken me 8 hours to type up 1.8k words from a notebook. ADHD handed my ass to me tonight

Masterlist

It was no secret that you didn't like to be touched, hated it even. You did everything in your power to avoid it. The only time you would even tolerate it was from friends, and even then it was just that, tolerating. Most people didn't understand it, they usually just wrote you off as being snobby, or maybe just a germaphobe. What they didn't get was just how much unwanted contact hurt. It was easier to manage with friends, but just one small touch from a stranger was enough to make you completely unable to speak for the rest of the day, or worse, have a complete breakdown from the sensation.

The Avengers understood though, or at the very least, they accepted without judgment. They each had their fair share of quirks and needs, and to them, your touch avoidance was no different. It was honestly a blessing to be working for them. You provided them with ground support and helped repair their gear. They provided you with moral support and freedom from unwanted contact. Of course, they weren't perfect, every so often someone might accidentally bump into you, or excitedly clap a hand on your shoulder without asking first. But that was okay, you could tolerate it from them. Especially when they did their best to make you feel included in the team in any way that they could, more than anyone else had done for you in the past.

No doubt that desire to include you was exactly what brought Steve to your workbench in the lab, a long-haired man following close behind, not unlike a confused puppy. You had glanced up from your current project as they approached, Steve radiating his typical golden retriever-like aura, while the man behind him looked none too happy to actually be there. "Y/N! I'm glad I found you. I wanted to introduce Bucky yo everyone he hasn't had the chance to meet yet."

Bucky shifted slightly uncomfortably on his feet as he gave you an awkward smile and held his hand out to you. “Glad to meet you.” You glanced at his hand and grimaced mentally. Steve had spent months talking about Bucky and the progress he was making, Steve was beyond excited to have his best friend back and on the team, but Bucky was still a stranger to you. Your grip tightened around your wrench and you glanced over at Steve.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Bucky.” You said, leaving his hand unshaken, instead, giving him a polite smile. Steve immediately jumped into action, whispering something, likely an explanation, into Bucky’s ear.

Bucky’s eyes went wide and his face went red as he dropped his hand. “Sorry.” He mumbled out quickly and something in your heart squeezed.

“No, it’s fine.” You reassured, “You couldn’t have known.”

He nodded and cleared his throat, “For what it's worth, I'm not a big fan of touching people either.” Your heart gave another squeeze and you weren’t quite sure why. His aversion to touch made sense, you recalled Steve explaining the things that had happened to him.

"We have something in common then." You said setting your wrench down on the table in front of you. "Luckily everyone here is very understanding about it."

He smiled, and for a moment your brain completely blanked as you saw the was his smile made the skin crinkle adorably around his eyes. He was attractive, there was no denying that, but honestly, something about his smile was special. "I'm glad to hear that," he said softly before pointing at the device on your work table. "What are you working on anyway?"

You blinked before looking down at what he was pointing at. "Oh! This is the Maximum Operational Radius Support Aerobot or MORSA. Tony came up with the name, I like to call him Moe for short. He's like redwing, Sam's drone? But more support focused than combat focused. He's my eyes in the sky, he's great. I wouldn't be able to be nearly as much help without him. Time to wake up Moe." You said, tapping the drone twice. It burst to life, hovering a few inches above the table, albeit as a noticeable angle. You winced at Moe's lopsided hovering, but Bucky seemed enthralled. "He isn't usually so…. Wonky. He got damaged by an explosion a few missions ago and I only just got him flying again. I'm sure Wakanda has things way more advanced but…" you trailed off as Bucky shook his head.

“Are you kidding me?” he asked, circling around for a better look. You almost didn’t notice his hand accidentally brushing against your arm as he moved past you, but to your surprise, it didn’t feel unpleasant. “It’s like that car Stark showed off in ‘43. You remember that Stevie?”

Steve seemed almost surprised as he watched Bucky gush over the drone, you would have never been able to guess that he had been begging Steve to not bother introducing him to anyone not even half an hour before. “The one that crashed to the ground?”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Listen Punk, don’t even pretend to act like you stuck around long enough to see that.”

You bit your lip to fight the urge to laugh. You would have never expected the Winter Soldier to be a science nerd. “I did base Moe’s propulsion system off Howard Stark’s flying car propulsion designs, though I reworked them to be more efficient and a bit faster. When they’re properly adjusted at least.” You finished by tapping the drone again and it gently lowered onto the table before turning off.

“That’s absolutely amazing,” Bucky said rubbing his jaw. “What else does it do?” You grinned as you began to explain Moe’s functions in detail, Bucky clinging to your every word. Neither of you noticed as Steve quietly slipped away, grinning like a Cheshire cat. It was rare for either of you to take so quickly to someone, and he wasn’t about to do anything to draw your attention to it. He could finish introducing Bucky to everyone tomorrow.

From that day, your friendship with Bucky was easy and fun. You both just seemed to click in a way you had never experienced with someone before. He would spend hours in the lab while you worked, talking to you about anything and everything that he could think of. You wouldn’t shy away from him on the extremely rare times he would accidentally touch or brush against you. Strangely, you actually found yourself liking his touch and, for that matter, him.

Actually, saying you liked Bucky was probably the understatement of the century. You were absolutely head-over-heels for him. You didn’t have a damn clue how you managed to fall so hard for him, especially when it didn’t even feel like falling at all. You could barely even focus if he wasn’t there. You had grown so used to his presence that when he was on missions the entire tower seemed to feel empty.

Which was where you found yourself right now. You tinkered aimlessly on your gadget, there were countless repairs you should be doing, but you just couldn’t motivate yourself to do any of them. Bucky had been on a mission for the last two weeks, the longest he had been away since he joined. You had no idea what to do with yourself as you pulled yourself through the paces of adjusting Moe's propulsion system. You were waiting for FRIDAY to inform you of Bucky's return, just like she always did the moment he came back. You couldn't wait to greet him as he got off the quinjet. At least then you could stop worrying so much and get some work done.

"Y/N, FRIDAY's voice echoed through the lab. Your heart soared as you looked up toward the ceiling at the disembodied voice. "Sergeant Barnes has just landed, he's been rushed to the med bay." And just like that, your heart crashed to the ground. Something fell to the ground with a loud bang as you jumped up, but you didn't care to see what it was as you rushed out of the lab.

You ran as fast as your feet would carry you as you hurried to the med bay. Horror stories played through your head as you pushed through the doors. You paid no mind to the nurses yelling for you to slow down as you searched for Bucky.

Your lungs bere burning when you found him being stitched up by Bruce, talking to Steve. Relief hit you like a tidal wave. He was okay. Bruce had just finished Bucky’s stitches when you threw your arms around Bucky. You hadn’t even thought about the contact, you were just so happy that he was okay. You only realized it when you felt a cool arm wrap around your waist.

“Don’t cry Doll.” He said softly, tightening his arms around you. You hadn’t even noticed you were crying until he pointed it out. “I’m okay. The bullet only grazed me. I promise I’m okay.” He reassured you, his hand stroking your hair. Being held by him was probably the nicest thing you’ve ever felt.

You took a deep, shaky breath as your tears slowed. You nodded as you pulled away from him, smiling weakly. Bruce and Steve stared in disbelief as they watched you. You had never so much as willingly shook someone's had, let alone hug them, and yet there you were with your arms wrapped around Bucky’s neck. Bucky ignored them, pulling you back into him, touching his forehead to yours. You sniffled, “FRIDAY said-”

“I know Doll. It’s okay. Are you?”

You swallowed and nodded again. You had never been so close to him before, but honestly, it felt right, it put your mind at ease in ways you severely needed right now. He was so important to you, and you were so scared you might have lost him. Especially before you could tell him just how important he was. You took a deep breath, filled with a sudden resolve, “I love you.” You finally said, bracing him for his response.

Tears threatened in your eyes again when he laughed. “Doll, I figured that out when you hugged me.” He brushed away a tear welling in your eye with his thumb. “And I love you too.” The breath caught in your throat and you choked out a sobbing laugh. “Want to talk about this over milkshakes?”

“I’d love to.” You smiled with a big sniffle.

“As sweet as this is.” Bruce cut in. “I need to finish bandaging Bucky up before you two try to take off.” You both pulled apart to see Bruce holding up gauze and bandages.

Bucky smiled that smile you had come to love so dearly before kissing your forehead. “Go get ready, Doll. I’ll pick you up in 10.” You nodded, giving him one last hug before leaving. You really could get used that feeling.

Taglist:

@part-time-prefect @anxiousamandapanda

#bucky barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #avengers x reader #avengers #avengers request #avengers fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #marvel x reader #marvel fic #marvel

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bourbonmetalhead · 4 years ago

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64 Bourbons Bracket Round of 64: Matchup 18:

Bulleit Bourbon vs. Elijah Craig Barrel Proof B518

Bulleit is actually quite tasty for a budget bourbon with a solid amount of oak. If has this hops-like bitterness to the finish and taste that keeps it from being much of a threat. And absolutely no Kentucky hug. To be honest, it wasn’t a fair draw to be matched up against a 12 year barrel proof Elijah Craig that carries standard bourbon notes to the Nth degree and has unbridled proof to bring hug and finish. I gotta say that Bulleit has a fabulous nose and I love the marshmallow lip effect that it creates. I bet Bulleit would fare quite well in a blind tasting of bourbons under $30.

Enough about the loser. Let’s talk about Elijah Craig Barrel Proof B518 which is easily moving on to the round of 32. Brief ADHD interlude: song of the tasting is “Cocobolo” by Today Is The Day. This is an absolutely magnificent bourbon. Long nurturing Kentucky hug (I may need a Tums before bed), that even hugs the cheeks. Finish makes the mouth water. It is damn near a perfect bourbon, as far as a really sweet bourbon. Now, it would lose to my George T. Stagg and to 1969 Old Crow Chessman Decanter; but damn near everything would. I gotta tell you. It only takes about two or three drips to register taste and hug with this bourbon. Well, I have a slight buzz and I have a chili cheese dog and fries from Double Dogs awaiting me (tastes that will likely never pop up in bourbon tasting notes 🤣). So, jam out to 2020 gun fanatic Steve Austin (no relation to Stone Cold ET) and have a fucking pour of whatever. I hope you were blessed enough to score several bottles of ECBP B518. I am kicking my own ass for not scoring a backup. Oh well, I could see this bottle advancing quite far. Cheers! Raise your horns!

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maltedmilkchocolate · 6 years ago

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Christ, I’ve been listening to The Adventure Zone for like a month now whilst I worked on my comic. It’s like helped me stay focused on my work like a blessing. But like, I always saw TAZ on my social media? So I knew a lot of spoilers, but no context. ‘Fortunately’, I was never interested in listening to TAZ, because i have APD and ADHD, which makes listening to audio really fucking hard. When the Amnesty Arc got announced, my social media blew up with excitement, and I thought ‘okay.... sure, let’s give it a try’ (even if i cant hear half of it;;). So I used it as background noise whilst I did my art work. Fun ADHD thing. Doing several things at once, means suddenly my brain can function. So not only was I drawing a lot, but I could actually LISTEN to the podcast. Like holy shit, my brain was processing it. Though some times I had to rewind whole sections like ‘shit what did they say’. BUT YEAH. I wasn’t expecting to get my heart ripped out, torn asunder, and thrown into a fucking cyclone. Suddenly having context for all of those spoilers, plus the music, plus Griffin’s 12/10 story telling and atmosphere building. I lost count of HOW MUCH I CRIED. I have never had a podcast, or audiobook make me cry. Written books? Yeah sure. Podcast? Never. NO. I FUCKING CRIED. OFTEN AND PLENTY. And I just finished the Balance Arc, at like 3:18am. So now it’s time to sleep. But holy fuck, that was So Much, and So Good, and I’m so glad I listened to this podcast ; A ; <3

#TAZ #The Adventure Zone #The Zone Cast #So yeah im not remotely sorry for my dash about to become 90% TAZ reblogs for the next like week #|D

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phoutube · 6 years ago

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while the rhythm of the rain keeps time: chapter two

ao3 link (kudos appreciated!)

from the beginning: ao3

Rating: General Audiences (subject to change)

Pairing: Dan Howell/Phil Lester

Chapter Word Count: 4,604

Full Word Count: 8,670

Summary: Phil didn’t very much like the rain, but at the same time, he didn’t very much dislike it, either.

It had a distinctly lonely feeling, like if he allowed himself to get lost in the sights and sounds and smells of the rain everything else would disappear and he’d become the only person in the world.

A little odd, yes, but some days he’d ache for this feeling. He wasn’t sure why, but sometimes all he’d crave was utter solitude, so he’d have space to think his own thoughts and exist without being a bother to anyone else.

a/n: a special thanks to my beta readers, @freckliedan, @shrugs-are-kinky, and @edgylester for making this fic possible! Go show them some love!

likes and reblogs appreciated!!

Chapter Two: Melt Your Headaches, Call It Home

Phil didn’t very much like the rain, but at the same time, he didn’t very much dislike it, either.

It was okay, he supposed.

It made his mornings a bit slower, he mused, but it was also kind of peaceful, listening to it pound the outside world tirelessly.

The rain was melancholy and somber, and it put Phil in an odd sort of mood where all he wanted to do was lay down outside in the grass and let it wash over him.

If it was warm enough. Cold rain was the worst. He was staying inside for that shit.

Today, unfortunately, he didn’t have any time to ponder the different ways rain made him feel, because he had a double shift at the Starbucks next to Tesco and it started in less than an hour and he hadn’t even gotten out of bed.

He’d recently taken up a second, part-time job because as it turns out, a job in graphic design didn’t exactly make the most money--and to put it bluntly, he was broke as fuck.

He went in to the office three times a week, and was expected to finish his assigned projects at home if they hadn’t been completed at work. Which was all fine and dandy, but the little ADHD monster that lived in his brain tended to grab the controls and make him do something utterly ridiculous like hyperfixate on the interesting article he was reading about children’s brain development instead of doing literally anything else he was supposed to.

He had actually been offered a home office, which would have been excellent in the fact that he would have been able to wear nothing but socks and a pair of boxers while working, but it also meant that he probably would have ended up lying on his back and watching the blades of the fan spinning and trying to count how many times they go around in a minute instead of getting any work done.

He was glad, at least, for the fact he had a steady income and he didn’t absolutely hate his job, no matter how slow it got sometimes.

Anyway, whenever it got boring he’d always end up doodling straight onto the desk he was sitting at (he’d have to wipe it off later) or coming up with elaborate daydreams in his head about scenarios that were completely unrealistic (that was the fun part).

Speaking of daydreaming--Phil reluctantly pulled himself back into the present and realized that he’d wasted ten minutes allowing his mind to wander as he sat in bed, being about as useful as a garbage bag full of rocks.

That was the one thing he didn’t like about his job--his mind wasn’t allowed to wander or else he’d lose track of time and five minutes turned into ten and ten minutes turned into thirty and suddenly he’d been thinking about absolutely nothing for the better part of an hour.

Unfortunately for Phil, he got most of his best ideas when he let his mind roam free, and sitting at a desk all day was the perfect way to kill all of his inspiration.

He wasn’t completely oblivious to what was going on inside his mind, however; he had seen a doctor about medication for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and while it had worked pretty well at first, at some point or another the doses stopped working as well and it felt like the pills were only taking all his ADHD-fueled ideas and guiding them in the general direction of where they were supposed to go. The side effects were also awful--sometimes it seemed like any noise that was too loud or sudden could launch him into a panic attack and he often felt like vomiting.

He hadn’t had the time to go back to the doctor who had prescribed them in the first place, and so he’d just put the bottle on a high shelf and tried to forget about it.

Alongside battling his attention-disorder, Phil also had to deal with being both physically and mentally exhausted to the point of breaking due to his new part-time as a Starbucks barista.

He barely had any free time, either, and he usually spent his blessed days off sleeping for fourteen hours and ordering takeaway and playing Mario Kart on his couch alone.

Lovely.

With these thoughts in mind, Phil finally rolled out of his bed and dressed in the boring all-black that his job required he wear.

His mind still muddled with sleep (though thankfully warmed up by his wandering thoughts), Phil shuffled his way into the kitchen to get breakfast.

Pulling the coffeemaker towards himself and shoveling generous amounts of ground coffee inside it, Phil wondered if he’d have time to shower before heading to work. Probably not.

He lived close enough to walk to the cafe where he worked (not that he particularly wanted to--it was all drizzly and cold outside) and so he never had to worry about finding a method of transportation (he was awful at driving, the Tube gave him anxiety, and he didn’t have money to spare on cabs). He had a bit of time before he had to leave, enough to finish breakfast and sit and stare at the kitchen counter beneath his mug (or perhaps the telly) and wonder whether it was really worth getting out of bed this early for a job.

Shuffling around the kitchen and pulling a box of cereal from a cabinet, Phil made himself The Breakfast of Champions with little more than dry cereal and a big enough bowl (likely because of all the times his mum had chastised him for eating cereal with his hands straight out of the box, which resulted in a squirmy guilty feeling every time he did it).

There was, however, no point in using a spoon for dry cereal, which really only meant less dishes to wash later.

Pushing his glasses up his nose and sitting in front of the television, Phil wondered whether he could turn it on and watch half an episode without all his self-control going down the drain. Considering… er, previous events, Phil decided to keep the telly off or else he very well might end up marathoning The Office or Food Wars! instead of going to work like he was supposed to.

At least he knew what he was doing tonight.

Before he knew it, fifteen minutes had passed and he had to be at work in ten and he hadn’t even gotten his shoes on- but that was okay because they were just by the door, and so were his house keys-

Running back into his room to grab his phone and to turn off all the lights, Phil skidded back through the kitchen and nearly hit his head on a cabinet door he had forgotten to close.

Damn cabinets.

Phil slid his shoes on and slammed the door behind himself, barely remembering to lock it.

Walking briskly through the lobby of the apartment complex (his flat was on the ground floor, which was by far the Least Cool place he’s ever lived) and stepping through the double doors, Phil immediately found himself standing in the pouring rain.

He wished, as he always did whenever it rained, that he owned an umbrella.

It’s not like an umbrella is always first on his mental list of Things To Buy whenever he went to the store--after all, there were always much cooler and conventionally useful (he had always had trouble preparing for the future--which was why he currently lived on the first floor of an apartment building with one job in graphic design and another at Starbucks).

Phil resigned himself to walking along the sidewalk, already soaking wet and freezing. For God’s sake, it was June! Why was it so bloody cold outside?

Checking his phone and realizing that his shift was supposed to start in three minutes, Phil started walking slightly faster. He could always blame the rain for his tardiness.

By the time he finally set foot in the coffee shop and stepped behind the counter, the rain had relented slightly (although Phil was still very wet).

At the sound of his arrival, Devon (the shift manager) turned and regarded him with a look of slight disapproval.

“Phil, you’re late. Again.”

Phil swallowed. “I’m sorry, Devon- I lost track of time and it was pouring rain and I uh, forgot my umbrella-”

Devon dropped their stony disposition and grinned. “Yeah Phil, I’m sure you forgot your umbrella that totally exists. C’mon, we were gonna draw straws-” They guestured in the general direction of Alex and Liz, who waved, “-but since you’re the late one, you get to wipe the tables!”

Phil groaned exaggeratedly.

“C’mon, Devon, I did that last week! Besides, I’m all wet and-”

Devon held up their hand to hush Phil, and turned towards the back room, chucking an old towel at Phil.

Phil then proceeded to get hit in the face with said old towel, to which the people behind him burst out laughing.

Ignoring Liz and Alex’s giggling, Phil ripped the towel off his face and surveyed Devon with a look of mock disgust on his face.

“Fine,” Phil said haughtily, “but believe me, you’ll regret making me do this!”

Devon snickered.

“C’mon Lester, we don’t have time for dramatics. Just wipe the damn tables down and be done with it, okay?”

Phil rolled his eyes, hiding a smile on his face. Doing actual work might suck, but at least he wasn’t totally alone. His coworkers were pretty cool.

After wiping the tables down, Phil was instructed to make drinks for the morning stragglers with Liz as Alex manned the registers. Devon was in the back doing inventory- something that Phil was very glad he wasn’t in charge of.

Making drinks was fairly simple for the most part--save for the insanely complicated ones. Phil still hadn’t gotten the hang of doing the fancy ones with the custom flavors and customers who knew the menu better than he did--especially the Starbucks “secret menu,” which simply took drinks that already tasted good and added a bunch of complicated ingredients to them. Liz was in charge of those. Phil was fine with making lattes and frappuccinos and tea for now.

He and Liz made a great team, with Devon scrawling the abbreviation of the drinks on the cups and passing them to Phil, who glanced at the order and determined whether or not he could make themself. If not, he would have to pass them to Liz, who had been here for years and knew every possible combination like the back of her hand (that metaphor confused Phil. There wasn’t really anything that distinguished the back of one hand from another, unless you had a tattoo or something). Phil had only been here about a month, which immediately meant he was tasked with the more physical jobs, like sweeping the floor after the shop closed and taking care of the registers when nobody else wanted to.

Phil, Liz, and Alex continued working until about ten-thirty, when the lunch rush was just beginning.

That was when Alex, who looked even more exhausted than usual, took off her apron and hung it in the back. Devon stepped out, and stood in front of Liz and Phil.

There was a chocolate chip in their hair.

“Okay guys, Alex is taking her break and I need Phil to watch after the registers. I’ll be helping Liz make the drinks, and as soon as Alex is back, she’ll help Phil. Got it?”

They all nodded. Alex walked out the back door, likely to go sit at the plastic table out back. In the pouring rain. Sometimes Phil admired Alex for her complete inability to give a shit.

Phil took up his place at the register, and plastered on a smile for the growing queue of customers waiting to order.

God, people were scary.

Taking orders was quite stressful, and he had to remember the correct abbreviations of the drinks and try to understand what the customer said their name was- Riley? It was probably spelled Reileigh or Rylie (he’d had both already) or some other monstrosity sent from hell.

It was during a lull in business that Phil took the opportunity to slump against the counter and stare at the door to the shop, desperately hoping for no one else to walk through so he wouldn’t have to get up.

Devon looked at him pityingly.

Phil glanced down at the counter, swaying slightly and studying the swirling design of the plastic countertop and the crumbs that had managed to stick there.

Lo and behold, someone else stepped into the shop, and Phil smiled automatically while stepping forward to take their order.

An hour later, his head throbbed from talking to so many people, and with a nod from Devon, Phil stepped out of view from the customers and perched himself on an old stool in the corner.

This was exhausting.

Tipping his head back against the wall and closing his eyes, Phil took a few deep breaths. Only a few hours until his break, and Devon was being kind enough to let him relax for a few minutes.

He was already so tired, but that didn’t mean he could slack off his job like this.

After a few minutes of sitting down, he’d surely be able to stand up again and go back to work without wanting to die.

...Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic, but Phil was a gay twenty-something and also happened to be exhausted to the point of collapsing. He figured he could cut himself some slack.

When the boy with curls damp from the rain and eyes the color of the coffee Phil was making stumbled into the shop like some great force of nature, Phil couldn’t help but glance up.

And he kept glancing, but then he somehow ended up taking longer looks that lasted only a few seconds and then only a few seconds turned to even more seconds until suddenly Phil realized he’d been outright staring at the man for at least a minute.

Behind him, Liz cleared her throat loudly.

“You can’t stare at the pretty boy while I do all the work, Lester,” she teased.

Phil nodded, taking his eyes off the stranger and finishing the iced tea he was making.

At that moment, Alex stepped back into the store, her short hair soaking wet and her clothes dripping water on the floor.

“I’m off my break,” she announced.

“You do know that someone will have to clean that up later, right?” Devon inquired dryly.

Alex said nothing and stepped behind the counter, putting her apron back on and gesturing drippingly to Phil to help her with the cash registers.

Devon sighed and stepped back to help Liz with the drinks.

It was at this moment that the boy (who was still slightly damp and who also seemed to be having some internal battle) stood up from his seat and made his way over to the counter.

Phil’s heart did a funny swoop thing and he was pretty sure he could hear the blood rushing through his ears.

Did he really fall apart this easily whenever an attractive person breathed in his direction? Honestly.

The stranger, who still hadn’t noticed Phil yet, surveyed the pastry cases and stepped closer to study the menu.

With a jolt, he seemed to realize that Phil was there, and proceeded to stare at him, a slight blush tinting his cheeks.

Phil was aware of the fact that his own face was likely bright red.

“Er, hello,” Phil began. “I’m Phil. What can I get for you today?”

It was a miracle he hadn’t embarrassed himself already.

“Oh, er, well- I, I actually haven’t decided yet? I mean, uh, yeah.” The stranger’s tongue seemed to trip over itself in an attempt to get the words out. “Sorry,” he added as an afterthought.

Phil felt his heart soften at the boy’s nervous stuttering.

“It’s fine. Take your time! It’s not like I’m going anywhere,” Phil managed, and then felt himself cringe as he realized that it probably sounded he was implying that the boy needed Phil to make an order, or something. God. Why was Phil always embarrassing himself like this?

The stranger cleared his throat, and Phil snapped back to the present.

“I- could I actually have, um, the er, the Caramel Mocha Latte? That’s good, right?” He paused, considering. “Could I also get an, er, a blueberry muffin?”

“What size?”

The man blinked. “Sorry?”

“What, er, size do you want your drink?”

“Oh, sorry. Um, medium, I reckon.”

Phil nodded, pulling a grande cup towards him. “Could I get a name?”

The stranger looked confused for a second, and then seemed to realize what Phil meant.

“Oh, right. Uh, Dan.”

His name was Dan.

Phil scribbled that on the cup, along with the abbreviation for the drink.

“That’ll be, er, £8 .50. Cash or card?”

Dan, who had seemed to be staring off into space, seemed to jolt himself back into the present. Phil could relate.

“Oh, yes, card, sorry,” Dan said, fumbling for his wallet and extracting a credit card.

Phil nodded and took it. Dan’s eyes were very pretty. So were his curls, and the light dusting of freckles across his nose- Phil shouldn’t be thinking about this.

Dan, as if oblivious to the effect he was having on Phil, seemed fascinated with the way Phil’s hands moved as they swiped the card.

If the twinge of pink lining his cheeks were anything to go by, Phil could guess that it was either very cold outside or Dan was still embarrassed about the loud entrance he had made a few minutes previously. There had to be a reason he was blushing like that, right?

Phil handed the card back to Dan, who now appeared to be staring at Phil’s mouth. Embarrassed, Phil wondered whether he had food stuck on his upper lip or if he had missed a spot shaving that morning.

Ducking his head and reaching into the pastry case, Phil pulled out Dan’s muffin. Tucking it into a paper bag, he set it on the countertop between them.

Clearing his throat, Phil waited for Dan’s gaze to snap back up to his own. God, his eyes were gorgeous.

“Er, your drink will be ready in a few minutes over there-” he gestured towards the end of the counter, “-and here’s your muffin! Enjoy your food,” Phil added, smiling at Dan.

Dan smiled back. He had a dimple. Phil immediately wanted to kiss it. He also wanted to bury his face in the crook of Dan’s neck and stay there for a while, but he had a job to do and also Dan was a complete stranger and- God, Phil was probably so creepy for thinking like this.

As if on cue, Dan took the muffin between them and gave Phil an awkward wave before walking back over to his table and sitting down.

Turning back to face his coworkers, Phil was immediately unsurprised to see all three of them gaping at him. Even Alex.

“That was literally the most awkward interaction I have ever seen.” Devon said, their hand over their face.

“Oh my God you guys, get a room,” Liz quipped, trying not to laugh.

Alex just stared, an expression of shame on her face. “God, Lester, what was that? Have you ever successfully flirted with anyone, I don’t know, ever?”

Phil rolled his eyes, his heart beating unfairly fast in his chest. “Can you guys just make the drink? I wasn’t even trying to flirt at all! I was just taking his order! He probably doesn’t even like guys, for fuck’s sake.”

Devon snickered. “You mean to tell me, the master of gaydar, that that man wasn’t ogling your ass when you turned around to get his damn muffin?”

Phil sighed. These people were relentless.

Alex grabbed his shoulders, looking like she was ready to shake him. “Phil, I swear, if you don’t have that guy’s number by the time he leaves this place, I am going to personally walk to his house and get it myself. You hear?”

Phil shrugged her off. “C’mon guys, seriously. Can you just make his drink?”

Liz raised an eyebrow. Devon smirked. They all backed off a little, although the looks they shot each other definitely meant they weren’t going to leave this alone.

A few minutes later, Dan’s drink was ready and Phil had taken orders from three more customers. Liz had called Dan’s name and he had come up to collect it--and Phil definitely didn’t miss the intense stares all of his coworkers had given Dan as he walked away.

“Nice ass,” Alex commented slyly, eyeing Phil to see his reaction.

Phil resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Again. Honestly, at some point his eyeballs were going to pop out of his head and onto the floor, just like his mum told him they would when he was a teenager.

Phil’s co-workers weren’t the only ones staring at Dan, though. Phil had to admit it was actually quite hard to keep his eyes off the man’s figure, hunched over the table and scribbling in what looked like a journal of some sort.

He was left-handed. Phil wasn’t sure why that was important to him, but it was.

Once or twice, he was sure that Dan was looking at him as well. It was hard to tell, though, and anyway, why would someone as pretty as Dan be looking at Phil?

When it was nearing the end of Phil’s shift and he was glancing anxiously at the clock every few seconds, Devon seemed to take notice of this and casually made their way over to Dan, who was still sitting at his little table.

Phil was too far away to properly hear what was going on, but when Devon first began to speak, Dan’s head jerked up, like he hadn’t expected anyone to take notice of him.

Dan only seemed to look further confused as Devon went on, but when they jerked their head back in the direction of the cash registers, Phil began to have an idea of what was going on. Dear God, he wished he didn’t.

Hiding his face in his hands, Phil wished dearly that Devon had only walked over to inquire about the quality of Dan’s drink, or the weather, or literally anything other than what Phil knew it was about.

Peeking through his fingers, Phil saw just in time Dan scribbling something on a napkin and offering it to Devon. Dan’s face was quite red.

When Devon turned around with a smile big enough to engulf their face, Phil groaned and stood up fully, hands gripping the countertop.

Dan, whose face was still beet-red, stared at the floor and tucked one ankle behind the other nervously. Phil turned his attention back to Devon, who slapped the napkin down on the counter proudly.

“You’re welcome, Lester. I just got you a pretty boy’s number, and you bet your ass you will call him, or I’ll do it for you! ”

Phil sighed. “Like how you got his number from him for me as well?”

Devon rolled their eyes. “C’mon, I’m doing you a favor. He was so cute about it too! I thought if his face got any redder, he’d explode!”

Devon looked at him expectantly.

Phil swiped the napkin off the counter and tucked into his pocket. “There. Happy?”

“Obviously.”

Phil was sitting in his flat.

The rain was still drizzling outside, and the sounds of it hitting the pavement echoed off the tall London buildings and created a peaceful, rumbling sound--like a cat purring loudly or the far-off sounds of a train on the railroad.

The sun was setting, and the darkening sky seemed to breathe with the city, creating that special sense of calm that only a rainstorm at night could produce.

All the curtains in his flat were open, as if trying to welcome the last streaks of washed-out daylight left in the world, and the room was getting darker and darker at such a pace that if you tried hard enough, you’d be able to watch it happening.

Phil, oblivious to the rest of the world, was clutching a brown, wrinkly Starbucks napkin with pen marks messily scratched onto its surface.

His handwriting was adorable. It had a slight left slant, and he had drawn a smiley face next to where he had scrawled his number for Phil.

His number. For Phil.

Phil wondered if he had even gotten out of bed that morning or if this was all a dream.

God, he hoped not.

It was around six in the evening, and Phil, in lieu of turning on Netflix and binging a series like he normally would, was sitting on his couch with his phone in his hand and debating whether to call the number on the napkin.

Oh God, what if it was fake? What if Dan had just given a pretend number to make Devon go away? Phil wouldn’t blame him. Oh God. This was so embarrassing. Phil didn’t even know what Devon had said to acquire the number, and to be completely honest, he didn’t want to know.

This was nerve-wracking.

Should he call or text? A call might look like he was trying too hard, but a text might look like he wasn’t trying enough- oh, he was insane. He definitely wasn’t going to call Dan. Did he have a deathwish? Phone calls were awful.

Before he could overthink it, Phil typed out a quick text.

Hey, Dan. It’s me, Phil, from Starbucks!

Okay, that was simple enough. Phil highly doubted Dan had met another person named Phil and had also given them his number on the same day, but it never hurt to make sure, right?

Phil sent it before his brain’s irrational panicking could get in the way, and tossed his phone down on the coffee table as if it were a bomb.

Staring at it, Phil waited for something, anything, to happen.

Nothing happened.

Phil was forced to acknowledge the fact that no, sending a text before he got the chance to over-think it was definitely not a guaranteed way to stop his anxiety from going into overdrive. If anything, it was worse.

Flopping back against the couch, Phil stared up at the ceiling. Maybe it was a fake number. Dan probably wasn’t going to reply, and Phil would never be able to face his coworkers after this embarrassment.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed with an incoming text, and Phil lunged for it.

hi phil! to what (or whom, i suppose) do i owe this pleasure? :)

Grinning to himself in the semi-darkness of his flat, Phil typed out a response to the boy with the coffee-colored eyes and a blush that happened to be the exact shade of the begonias growing in the dirt outside the building.

Maybe rain wasn’t quite so melancholy after all.

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whatupwiththelists · 6 years ago

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List Christmas Letter 2015

Hello Family & Friends,

If you’re reading this letter, congratulations! You’ve made our “B” group! Nice work! The people who made our “A” group have a much nicer letter in my opinion, but this one is OK too. If you’re curious as to how to qualify for the “A” group next year, it’s simple. We select a name and then ask Sophie to choose a number between 1 and 10. Jayden will answer for her which will make her upset so she’ll start to cry. Cadence will try to comfort her, and then some other stuff will happen. Then some more stuff and it usually ends up with everyone hitting daddy. At this point I’m grumpy so you’re in the “B” group, so deal with it.

Again, it’s been an eventful year and we are again in good health and spirits. Lucy is still working at Telus as part of the Koodo team and enjoying herself. She was working as a contractor, and was recently offered Full Time which apparently is pretty rare since most Telus workers are contractors. Working with a younger team is really good training for better understanding of words and slang that our kids will probably start using in a few years. She seems to be having fun which is great. Having her job for almost 2 years, she’s now the “steady” one.

I on the other hand, have a new job… again :) I left Sysomos in November to work for a start up company called VarageSale as a Product Manager. Same job, different place. They develop a product (website & app) similar to Kijiji or Craigslist that you can buy and sell items. Their advantage is that they focus on creating a sense of community and safety. Users need to be “accepted” into the community through an approval process and they have community administrators who monitor those communities. The office is still downtown. A little further commute than the Telus building, but it has it’s perks. We have a large metal bull, a pool table, ping pong table, lots of free food, beer fridge and some really amazing people that create a truly fantastic culture. I’m pretty happy to be a part of that.

On the side, I’m also developing a product in my spare time called Me in a Nutshell (meinanutshell.com is where it will live soon). The idea is that you hook up all of your social media accounts to it, move stuff around and choose colours etc to your liking. We’re looking to do a BETA launch early next year. If you’re interested in taking a look please let me know (I’d love to get more feedback).

What’s up with the kids you ask? Oh right… them…

Well, Sophie turned 3 this year and is still a little nutcase. She was terrible at 2 and SURPRISE! She’s still terrible and I still blame Lucy. She learned to push the pedals on her tricycle this past summer which made me really proud. She loves playing with her dolls and is very particular about what she wears. Sophie has also earned the title of champion grunter and generally making angry sounds when she’s grumpy (which is most mornings). These sounds are typically directed toward me, especially when I have any form of physical contact with her mother. Hugging Lucy = high severity grunt and usually a few bruises while she acts as a human crowbar to wedge us apart. If any of you are interested in a brand new, mostly natural form of birth control please come see me.

Cadence is our little gymnast. She’s constantly doing cartwheels or handstands and generally flipping one way or the other all over the house. A few months back she started in the competitive program, so she’s spending some more time in class. The only major drawback is that sometimes Lucy sees her doing something and thinks she should try. No Lucy, it’s really not a good idea. Cadence is our little superstar when it comes to school. She loves going to school, and is quite the girly girl. Hard to believe she’s turning 7 in a couple of days! She’s still very much into crafts and loves to draw just like mom and dad.

Jayden is doing really well. He’s doing much better at school this year and has made Lucy and I even more proud. He loves gym, music, math and science and it’s been really great seeing him come back with excellent test scores. Jayden has continued to take piano lessons. Lucy is still amazed at how quick he’s able to pick it up and hear the notes. He had his first recital this year, which he was pretty proud of. He played a few songs he’s learned and even one he made up himself. Jayden had a great summer riding his scooter and being a 9 year old boy (attacking anything and everything with anything and everything that remotely resembles a sword/knife/bow & arrow or pick axe).

Last year we got Jayden tested. As it turns out he has ADHD and a learning disability. We learned that he’s been working at a 30% level because of his disability, when his potential is in the mid 90s. This school year has been much better. Now that he’s diagnosed, the school is able to be a little more supportive and we are more equipped to better understand his needs. He’s a visual person and learns through seeing and doing. His struggles are focusing on a task that he doesn’t understand or relate to. He’s not so good with words, but better with numbers and shapes. Much like me.

Lucy and I are very blessed to have three truly amazing little Lists.

(that’s Sophie’s grunting face :)

We also got a new nanny this year. Cathy. She has been amazing. She actually helps out other families in the neighbourhood and is also the lunch monitor at the kid’s school. She picks up the kids at school, supervises homework and gets dinner ready for them. Since she’s come into our lives, the kids are now able to get back into their after school programs (karate and gymnastics) Cathy has been a real help with Jayden. We owe his great test scores to her. She’s extremely patient with the kids, and definitely helps us in many ways. Kids are usually fed, with their chores and homework done before we get home. Which relieves a lot of stress from us since Lucy and I are still both working downtown.

For Lucy and I, life still goes on. I managed to stay healthy this year but didn’t have as many personal bests this year as last. I might run a half marathon next year and I’ll probably bike a little more, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I find that between work, side work, and the kids, I don’t have a lot of time to do much else :) I’m not complaining tho! Ok, maybe just a little.

Lucy had a big year running. She signed up for her first 10K race in March through her work and had 2 months to train for it. Having never run a 5K before she was a little apprehensive, but she did it. After that she signed up for a 15K in June and then this fall she ran her first half marathon in San Francisco and did it in a great time (2’07”). I think her true motivation was the Tiffany necklace they got at the finish line. All in all a great running year for someone who tells me constantly that she hates running. I would point out the conflict to her, but I often fear for my own personal safety so prefer not to talk to her or look her directly in the eyes.

This summer we had new neighbours move in right next door who also have 3 kids around a similar age. SCORE! Jayden and Cadence can often be found hanging around with Ethan and Melody. The neighbour's house is also pretty extraordinarily large, so hide and go seek is amazing over there. A great addition to our already amazing street!

We attended one of our first Canada day street celebrations this year which was a lot of fun. They closed down our street and held a street party on Canada Day. Lots of food, fun and friends. We say this every year, but we are extremely fortunate to be living in a neighbourhood where we can feel safe about our kids running in and out of houses and up and down the streets. This is where I would normally talk about our great neighbours and friends but I don’t think I can top what we said last year. So instead, I will quote it.

It’s hard to believe that 8 9 years ago, we moved into this new town. We’ve made so many great friends. Some have come and gone, but we are always very thankful for the friends we’ve made here, and have come to love. Our neighbourhood, and neighbours are one of a kind. Always willing to lend a helping hand at the drop of a hat. The kind of people you’d want to surround your life with, and that you’d want to raise your family around. For this we are grateful.

…end quote.

It’s been another great year filled with love, laughs, excitement and new beginnings. I hope this letter has given you a little chuckle and filled you up with cheer.

much love & holiday wishes.

word.

The Lists

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paradox-oflife · 7 years ago

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so my dear friend @lememecollector memecollectorhas asked me to do this but I’m 99% sure I’ve already done this tag before. But, I’ll do it for you, my friend

5 Basics about me:

Name: Esther

Gender: Female

Height: 5’1” or 2 (I’m so short ;-;)

Orientation: Straight

Race: Taiwanese

5 Things on my blog:

Memes/shitposts/funfacts - The average tumblr blog. Nothing too bad.

Important news and crap around the world - And occasionally politics. But I try not to dwell too much in it.

Gaming - Overwatch, Fire Emblem, Assassin’s Creed, idk whatever I’m interested in

Animals - especially cats and dogs and birbs

Nature - I’m a sucker for sunsets

5 things you can find in my room

Papers - Papers about what? Who knows. Even I don’t know. Drawings, old homework, trash, you name it.

Books - A whole shelf full of books, would you look at that! I’ve read almost everything in middle school

Laptop/phone - tumblr, Reddit, instagram, Snapchat, YouTube (and this weird app that produces aesthetic sounds and images). You know. And everything else that comes with the phone.

Stuffed animals - A part of me that will never grow up. I refuse to let them go.

Textbooks - Spanish, two math textbooks, history, science, and more.

5 things I always wanted to do

Learn more about other countries and cultures - Isn’t it just weird to think about how there’s other people living on the other side of the world, that have their own lives? And they’re just like you, living their life? Idk it might only be me or smth but its mind blowing for me.

Learn to drive - I am learning it right now but, the actual skill to drive seems so distant. And I’m not a really attentive person sometimes.

You know those scenes in movies and whatever where a protagonist or smth is with their friends and they drive to like the middle of nowhere and just look at the stars with food and music? And they have no stress about school or the future? Yeah it looks really nice.

I’m not really sure how to explain this but, I just want to be done. With school, and the future. Like you know back in middle/elementary school when it was summer you literally had nothing to worry about? Sometimes I wish I could still have that moment, and freeze time.

Make a really close online friend. I’m currently getting there but I’m awkward when it comes to talking to new people. On the other hand if you asked any of my friends if I’m a quiet person they’d probably laugh

5 things that make me happy

Rediscovering music I listened to years ago. Just soakin in the nostalgia. Such a weird melancholy feeling.

My friends - They never stop making me laugh. I always feel so blessed to have them by my side everyday.

My dog - I love him so much. When I go home and I’m having a bad day, i just hug him. And I envy him too. He doesn’t have to worry about anything except me coming home safe.

WheN yOU FIniSH a ProJeCt AnD YoU CAN FInAlLY CloSE alL thE taBS on yoUr winDow and JusT LAy IN BEd ANd RelEase a ScREAM INTo yOUr PIlloW Of ReLIef

You ever find a post on tumblr that makes you laugh and genuinely smile? Like one time I found a post during school and I just sat there with a really goofy smile on my face every time I thought of it.

5 things on my to do list

So me and my friends have penny boards and we’ve all really wanted to go cruising around the neighborhood. There’s a really nice place called Santana Row, filled with chill vibes and aesthetic lighting during the night. It’s going to happen one day.

Be decently fluent in another language besides English and Chinese. Like I learned Spanish (I think most people did in middle school) in middle school, and like I can read it? But wouldn’t it be so cool to learn something random like Italian? Just randomly walk into a place like Italy, and a random Asian busts out in fluent Italian. That’d be nice.

Graduate with a GPA above 3.4. I’m someone who gets mainly As and Bs, so it’s not too bad right now. But second semester just started and I’m still trying hard, so there’s hope for the future.

Find time to draw more. It used to be a something to do in my free time to relax but now it’s more like “Free time? What’s free time? The only free time is sleeping and going on your phone”

5 things you might not know about me

I can play piano, cello, and the ukulele. I can play drums but I don’t have a drum set at home and like, I haven’t played in two years.

I have this scar on my right cheek that’s kind of visible. It’s more of a white line that just runs down from the bottom of my eyelid to a little more than the center of my cheek. Now that is a long story that I’ve gotten bored of explaining because at least 50 people have asked me, “Is that a scar? How’d you get it?” In a nutshell, don’t think you know how to ride a bike when you haven’t rode one in 8 years

I have ADHD. ADD specifically, cause I’m not really hyperactive. And I fidget a lot. And bounce my leg a lot. And if we were in a really interesting conversation I can talk For a really really long time. And later in 8th grade I developed some mild form of anxiety. Like when you eat a food that’s spicy, but it’s not spicy enough to burn your tongue, if you get that analogy?

People say I have sharp canine teeth. But I really don’t think it’s that sharp? I mean, like i can say that it’s slightly sharper than normal, but not like fangs. I don’t know what this fact about me is really, people say it a lot and I just wanted to throw it out there and say it’s not that sharp! I’m looking at you especially @paradoxxnutellaa. AND YOU TOO @lememecollector

Um, I wish I had another mildly interesting fact. But I’m really determined to just squeeze one more fact. I’ve never broken a single bone, or sprained a muscle before. It’s not even a special fact about me because I’m sure at least somebody that reads this has also never broken a bone or sprained a muscle.

Anyone I wanna tag?: I mean I would tag @1xile but I’m sure you’ve already done it before? Like I don’t know how I know, but I’m pretty sure you’ve already done it. I ALSO WANNA TAG EVERYONE THAT FOLLOWS ME BUT WE DON’T TALK BUT THAT”S A WHOLE LOTTA PEOPLE. (TuMBLR THINKS SOME OF Y’ALL HAVE SENSITIVE MEDIA SO SRRY IF I DONT FOLLOW BACK) (except if ur a porn blog, then you can screw off m8)

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pemithebard · 8 years ago

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Mental Illness Stigma Sucks: Exhibit ADHD

ADHD, one of the most commonly talked about mental illnesses. The symptoms are rather commonly known: hyperactivity, talking too much too quickly, fidgeting, bad grades, not being able to pay attention. Together, all possible signs of the dreaded "attention deficiency". Should be easy to spot, right? I went undiagnosed for 20 years. Let me explain why that was such a problem. I enjoyed learning most things. Unlike a lot of little kids, I understood that you needed to learn new things. Not to mention my constant drive to please my parents. This carried me rather easily through school. Even if I didn't pay total attention in class, I always had at least a B. So those two symptoms seemed absent. I did fidget. I alway would fidget. I did not like having my hands still. But that could be attributed to the fact that not only was I constantly drawing, I played the flute and liked the piano. Muscle memory makes you move your hands even when not doing those things. The fidgeting could be overlooked. It was undeniable that I was hyperactive and I talked too much. However, I was timid. Not to mention I always let others speak before me. If I was interrupted, I would fall silent. I ended up not seeming to talk much at all, so even my hyperactivity went unnoticed. But I had problems that could not be ignored. I could not understand unknown instructions. If it was something I had no experience with, I had no idea how to start a task or ended up asking questions every five seconds. I would think of things that to me seemed important, but to others was entirely irrelevant. People were frustrated to work with me. I seemed like I lacked common sense. "Of COURSE that will break if you do that!" I"t is socially unacceptable to do this!" "Why did you do something so stupid?!" Because of this, I grew to think that I could do nothing right. It fueled my depression greatly, and I was scared to do anything that I wasn't fully certain of doing the right way. I had severe executive dysfunction. Even things I wanted to do, that I enjoyed, I couldn't bring myself to do them. I stopped writing, stopped drawing, stopped reading. I didn't even finish some video games, mindless as they were. The only real motivator was fear of failure, of not being able to be anything in life if I didn't do my homework. And even then, it was done at the last minute. Being spoken to by several people at the same time gave me panic attacks. I could barely remember anything for more than ten minutes unless I wrote it down with five different alarms. And then I forgot to set alarms. I would start a conversation on one topic and then jump to a totally unrelated topic because I had made various connections in my head but skipped them out loud. My mind was constantly racing out of control. I was always in trouble for forgetting something. I didn't notice things in my surroundings. I hyper focused on something that didn't matter. I spaced out at random trying to follow everything in my mind only to find that I had gone worryingly quiet. I scared people. I disappointed them. I made them angry. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wanted to die. I was diagnosed with nothing for years. Six years ago, I realized I had depression. Four years ago, I was suicidal. One year ago, I was diagnosed with depression and ADD. But I was able to force myself to focus in school, so it wasn't serious. But I was still forgetting. And it was getting worse. I had finally realized it was a huge problem and was trying to find ways to deal with it but I couldn't. Every solution was forgotten. I couldn't remember long enough to utilize any ideas put in place. I thought I had Alzheimer's. Finally, my grades slipped. My memory was so bad, I forgot one of the classes I had signed up for. It was purely online while I attended a campus for five others, so it was understandable. Only it wasn't. I forgot a class. I asked my psychiatrist, and he said "oh, depression and the ADD can do that. But I wouldn't worry." So I didn't. Until I got even worse. Finally, after failing two more classes due to missing important classroom rules or forgetting or my mind wandering or whatever it was, I told my psychiatrist "You know, I think it is affecting my schooling." Last month, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I took Adderall for the first time, and suddenly I could remember. I not only kept a vague design in my head all day instead of ten minutes, I kept my interest in drawing long enough to finish from sketch to coloring. I stopped changing a conversation three times a minute. I didn't babble. I didn't need to ask thirty questions to do one task. I didn't fall asleep while listening to someone speak for an hour. Almost every single thing that I did that was so annoying or frustrating to people was solved by two little pills. It was a blessing. And then, I cried. I cried bitter, sorrowful tears. All my life, my entire life, nearly twenty-one years, I had to suffer. I had to suffer barely getting by in some classes. I had to suffer the lectures and disappointment from my parents for forgetting a chore or doing it wrong. I had to suffer my friends turning on me for being "annoying". I had to suffer the worst pangs of depression. I had to give up on plans, on hobbies, on ideas. I had to suffer for two entire decades trying to fight myself because MY MENTAL ILLNESS PRESENTED IN THE "WRONG" WAY. It was so easy to fix. $1.75 a month with copay, two pills a day with breakfast. But because I was too scared not to do poorly in school, it went unnoticed until the problem was too bad to ignore. We need education about mental illness. Available to everyone early in life. And more sympathy for it, normalizing it. I still see too many people say that ADHD isn't real, and I fear for the next kid like me.

#mental illness #mental disability #ADHD #Depression #suicide mention #suicide cw #about me #feel free to reblog

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