#my adhd brain 2 days later: haha fuck off

[nordic-language-love]

truly the grammar explanations are easy enough to follow and i understand but then the questions are just like ????? i have literally no idea what you want this to mean or how this grammar fits into it.

[voidcat101]

I can't sleep, it's 4:27 am and I'm only just getting tired.

I cant tell if it's my insomnia coming back or if its because I took my ADHD medication later than normal today and it's only just wearing off.

I'm so glad it's bank holiday Monday or I'd be fucked. To be honest if I was too exhausted for work I could just throw back my meds and they'd wake me up haha.

It may also be because I had a pretty bad ADHD day today. My brain was pinging constantly and I couldn't focus, stop talking, or chill out.

I hope tomorrows better. Me and my uncle are going to play some Titanfall 2 in the evening which I'm excited for. I wish I got to spend more time with him but our lives are very different and we never get time, plus his fiancés pregnant now so they've got new responsibilities to deal with!

Any ways I'm going to try to sleep now, good night :)

[bo0zey]

my friend who doesn’t have adhd and just wants an adderall perscription: i definitely have adhd like i never pay attention and i’m such a procrastinator omg lol btw i’m at the library studying and doing homework that’s not due until 3 days ugh what are you doing have you started studying yet we have those worksheets due tomorrow remember and it’s already 6pm! omg what do u mean u haven’t started the paper yet it’s literally due in 3 hrs omg no it’s ok i’ll just send u mine bc i’ve been working on it all day haha and omg i’m trying to pay attention to the lecture can u stop talking to me why r u reading online manga in class the exam is in 2 days pay attention! also i need caffeine to stay awake i love monster energy drinks they work so well i won’t be able to sleep tonight oh no also i took adderall 3hrs ago and now i’m super anxious but it’s not the adderall lol ugh i won’t be able to sleep tonjght ughh

me, someone who actually has adhd, pre-diagnosis: studying is so hard and i don’t want to do it and i literally can’t until hours before the exam and by then i’m so exhausted bc it’s like 3am but if i drink coffee or monster or bang i just get sleepier also i procrastinate entire research papers including the research hours before the due date even tho i knew abt the paper for a month and i wrote it in my assignment notebook every day knowing i needed to do it and i drink coffee before bed bc it relaxes me n makes me sleepy im constantly moving and shifting in my seat in class and i got paid 4 hrs ago and bought $500 worth of amazon products and now i don’t have any money for groceries for the next 2 weeks my thoughts go so fast and they’re so loud i can’t follow a conversation let alone a class lecture paying attention to anything i don’t care abt but am supposed to is impossible if i don’t write everything i need to do down i will forget about it and if i put my keys or vape or anything somewhere besides it’s designated spot for 1 minute i will literally forget where it is and if something isn’t directly in my line of sight i will forget i have it so i have to place everything in my line of sight for me to remember to use it and ok i’m at work i have a 14hr shift and a set of tasks i need to complete omg i’m so overwhelmed and frazzled i write down the list of tasks every shift and check off boxes to remember to do things but even then i still fall behind and why am i overwhelmed i know what i have to do please don’t ask me to do that thing i’m already trying to remember to do one thing ahhh ok i’m so exhausted it’s 12am and everyone’s asleep i have 3hrs left of my shift omg i’m so bored and tired ok i will have coffee and an energy drink to wake up bc i don’t wanna fall asleep here and i have an hour drive back home and oh wow i am now driving on the way and dozing off i am so sleepy sleepy sleepy why can’t i stay i awake i had 300mg of caffeine like 2hrs ago i’m going to crash the car why isn’t this energy drink working and hmm ok it’s now monday night i have school tmrw it’s 11pm i guess i’ll try n sleep i have class at 9am oh wait what is this sudden wakefulness i feel i am very awake i think i will maybe try to do homework to get tired actually no i think i will go on the internet instead hmm look at those cool show i think i will watch it ugh ok that was the longest 30min of my life i will not be able to watch another episode for at least 2 days probably oh it’s 3am i need to sleep but i can’t shut my brain off ugh oh no this sucks i hate myself why can’t i just get my shit together i know what i have to do but i just can’t fucking do it it’s so frustrating i’m trying so hard but i keep self sabotaging why why why

me, after being diagnosed w adhd and starting medication: wow for the first time in 8 years i’m actually paying attention in class and actively following what my professor is saying. i think i will do some homework now so i am not overwhelmed later. uh oh my dishes are starting to stack up i think i will clean them instead of starting a new pile. hmm my room is getting a little messy i think i will put things away including the clean clothes on that chair i’d been avoiding putting away for a week. i am following our conversation and i will wait until you are finished until it is my turn to speak instead of blurting out or interrupting you. oh i just got paid! hmm do i really need all of that online shopping stuff..? i think i will wait for a little bit and come back to it if i rlly want it bc what if something happens during the week and i need money to pay for it? oh i have to go to work it’s a 14hr shift; i am able to complete the tasks i need to do with ease bc i know what to do and when to do them and am no longer overwhelmed. i don’t need to drink that energy drink bc i know it will just make me more sleepy and i’ll doze off at the wheel on the highway and i don’t want that! ok i’m home yawn i think i will try n go to sleep it’s 11pm and i am genuinely tired.

[yehet-me-up]

Content Tag Game

Tagged by EXO sister-wife Kat @yeoldontknow​ <3 1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?

uhhh I definitely wrote half of several harry potter and lotr fanfics in HS but that was ‘the dark times’ many moons ago. so as an adult this is my only fandom! just stumbled into kpop and stumbled onto fanfics in the most backwards way possible (was sent a meme of a 1D ‘imagine’ and was like hey I wonder if they have these for kpop and then I found them and they were not a meme, but were fucking incredible AND NOW 4 YEARS LATER (started August-ish 2017???) here we are hahaha)

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

oh dear god i just remembered I have an AO3 account..... WHOOPS, shit 😅 might need to, y’know, update that at some point. jfc adhd object permanence is something else.

5. what is your favorite genre to write?

Personally it’s sci fi/fantasy, but here in the fanfic space I’d say..... uhh slice of life, romance, angst but make it a happy ending?? fanfic is a way for me to share all the sort romantic hopeful feelings I have about love and life and friendship and purpose 💕

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

Used to be a pantser when I started this (and when fics used to be like ?? 3k-5k) now that fics in general are longer for one-shots and series my good lord I need an outline. Especially for exo mall which is *insert meme of crazy guy with the bulletin board* a lot for my brain haha

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

I’d say mine are usually 5k or so?? some series were shorter per chapter, depending on subject matter. I tend to write like... interconnected long as frick oneshots, so i don’t count those as chapters ☠️

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

uhhhhh good question haha. my book was 95k and I think exo mall is like *dammit math* 140k or something that has significantly gotten out of hand. I have two more fics so it will probably be like 180ish when it’s done?? not including the drabbles to come haha 

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

I loved No Quarter and torturing Kat with her husband, also staying up all night to finish Chanyeol’s exo mall knowing kat had NO idea it was coming was a BLAST. Kyungsoo’s exo mall was one of the most ‘in the flow’ writing experiences i’ve ever had. I wrote this Baek oneshot at like 3am when i couldn’t sleep once and tbh it felt like I wrote it in a dream. ja;slkfjasd I love so many of these this is like a trip down memory lane, so I’m going to be a wh*re and say two more haha.  This is the most honest and close to ‘real life’ thing I think I’ve written on here (and also one of the only sex scenes I didn’t lose my goddamned mind trying to write a;sldkfja;sdf). And lastly Ablaze, which was the longest thing I’d written (I think) and let me know that hey? maybe I could write a book someday <3

11. favorite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)

This request for Exo Mall Baek was such a joy to write! And for some reason this Taeyong drabble makes me wish I had the time/energy to write it into a full story, it gripped me so much when I wrote it, like a movie had fully downloaded into my brain out of nowhere.

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

For sure! I’d say found family is a big one. Trusting that you’ll find your place even if things don’t make sense or you feel unsure. Believing that love is worth the risk and fear of trusting someone ;laksjdfal;sd. That love can be big gestures and super intense, but that after that fades away it’s the small daily moments that matter most - the people who stay and listen when you’re sad, holding hands and forehead kisses, taking care of people when they’re sick or scared or just need company, showing up to try again or to communicate even when things are hard. 

Someone commented on a fic of mine ages ago that I helped them see that real love (of that small, daily, consistent kind) is possible and MAYHAPS I cried because underneath it all, that’s what I’d want people to take away - that love of all kinds is scary, but it’s always worth it in the end <3

13. current number of wips?

Surprisingly just ... 3? wow how time has changed hahaha. I have Jun + Baek for exo mall (plus some drabbles but that will be something people write in about, so I wouldn’t consider them wips) and then I maaaaay continute on here with the Jun + Min regency baes series. We shall see :)

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

1. I can’t NOT write Baekhyun as the biggest cheesy dork in the entire world 2. That I’ll always have endless fantasy world to live in. I have to try actively to not start new WIPs because it’s so damn easy to be inspired. If I’m ever bored I know that I can jump into some story and let myself be carried away for a while 3. that who and how i am in real life is not usually the same person that i am when it comes to the vibe of my writing, and that that’s totally okay <3

15. a quote you like from a published story.

“I wish it had been with someone like you, though,” you say, squeezing his hand.

“Someone like me?” he says, raising his eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.

You look down at the floor, trying to figure out how to put how he makes you feel into words. “Yeah, someone strong, and steady. And safe.”

He lets out a laugh. “Safe? That sounds awfully similar to boring.”

“No, no. You don’t understand,” you say emphatically, coming to stand fully in front of him, grabbing his other hand as well. “You never ask me to be anything but who I am. You’re patient, kind, caring. For the longest time I thought that falling in love would be stifling. That it would… I don’t know, take my independence. Take my spirit. Make me into someone I don’t recognize.”

You step closer, holding his face in your hands. “But I can’t think of anything I want more than to be with you. You make me the best version of who I am. I don’t know how it is for you, being with me. But when I’m with you, it just feels like… home,” you finish gently.

- from Kyungsoo’s exo mall because THIS is how I feel about falling in love now, and this story was me working out what I believed about the process (like a goddamned emo bish haha)

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

For a moment you allow yourself this weakness. It won't destroy you to admire the strong lines of his body, the intensity and focus in the set of his brows, the deep, warm color brown of his eyes as they - oh lord, he's looking directly at you. As he notices you watching him his lips press into a small smile, inclining his head towards you.

'Oh no,' you say, mortified. In a breath you've blinked and drawn your arm through Maggie's, weaving your way through the crowd and dragging her with you.

'What's wrong?' she hisses in your ear, slightly off-kilter from the drink and revelry. 'You're going to tear my arm off.’.

'Sorry, he -' With a hand you push through the front doors, gulping in the cool night air and breathing deeply to steady the erratic pace of your heartbeat. 'Maggie, what's happening to me? He looked at me and I felt so... naked. I can't explain it.'

She realizes you aren't in actual distress and laughs. 'Good. About time you fell in love. I'm delighted.'

- From perhaps a future chapter of Jun and Min regency baes series....

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

Thank you so much. Truly, from the bottom of my heart. This fandom brought writing back into my life after such a long time away and I had no idea I would love it so much. The friends it’s brought me and the kind words that made me cry or cheered me up on a shitty day or made me laugh out loud and the watching other writers grow on their journeys. Getting to hear how something I made could help you feel less alone or less sad on a shitty day is all I’ve ever wanted from sharing all this. Thank you for being here and thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me <3

Tagging anyone who sees this who would like to do it, even if you don’t consider yourself a “real writer” yet (yes you are, stop doubting yourself!!!!) 😘

[aceofaces20]

What would be a valid thing to submit as evidence for adhd? I feel like my teachers never noticed anything, all it ever says on my report is 'quiet', and im in the uk and you need school reports for diagnosis, and i feel like i wont be taken seriously cos they dont say 'bouncing off the walls' or something

I feel you, nonny. I wasn’t diagnosed until college because I was just “quiet.”

Odds are, if a lot of the symptoms add up enough to make you SUSPECT you have ADHD, you probably have it. But more research is always good!

So like many things, ADHD is a spectrum. The two ends of it are Inattentive to Hyperactive- and then you have people like me, in the middle, with the Combined version. Some people have more Inattentive than Hyperactive, some have more Hyperactive than Inattentive. Everyone who has ADHD experiences the symptoms a little differently.

You can find about six thousand symptoms lists online, but here I’ll tell you things that usually don’t end up on those lists that my therapist told me a lot of her patients ended up experiencing aside from listed symptoms.

(Note: Initially I tried to keep these short. Yeah, that didn’t work. I bolded the important parts.)

1. Insomnia, or at least a super screwy sleep schedule. No joke, this can be super detrimental and will only serve to exacerbate your symptoms. “Just set a sleep schedule!! You’ll feel better!” they all say- Thanks Barbara if I had any control over when my brain chooses to sleep at all I wouldn’t have this issue, ok?

-a solution to this is to, in all actuality, condition yourself. Start ONLY using your bed for sleep. Get a little chair or something in your room if you’re also a hermit like I was growing up (mushroom chairs are gr9) and once you get out of bed, don’t let yourself get back on it for more than a few minutes unless you’re going to sleep.

Some nights it’s not enough, but in general for me personally this has been an actual lifesaver- I can go from being not tired to exhausted at the drop of a hat in normal life anyway (another symptom they don’t usually tell you about) so it’s nice to be able to make it work for me for once- I get into bed, maybe spend 30 minutes restless and then I’m out.

2. On the subject of sleep. You kids ever heard of the sleep of the dead? Because guess what, I have ignored literal fire alarms in dorms because of it. About 1-2 hours into my sleep I enter a state akin to a bear hibernating. I have slept through wake-up alarms, slept through emergency alerts, slept through FIRE alarms, slept though friends and family attempting to wake me… you get the picture.

3. On the note of the hibernating bear. You constantly wake up angry (or at least disgruntled) at the universe and take a really, really long time to power on. No, I’m not talking “a case of the mornings.” I’m talking it takes me until noon some days to actually feel somewhat alert. I’m talking feeling nothing but seething rage at anyone who tries to engage you in higher brain function before you’re fully awake.-the seething rage is more personal to me, but, every single last one of my friends who’s ADHD has issues getting up in the morning. There’s hating mornings, and then there’s hating mornings.

4. About mornings. You’re constantly late to anything in the morning because you just couldn’t “get going.” i.e., you knew and 100% wanted to get up and get moving but your brain said “nah, let’s just sit here on tumblr mobile for a while k?”-it’s very difficult to describe this part of executive dysfunction with words, because it comes off as laziness to a lot of neurotypicals. It’s not laziness. It’s having the motivation and and will and the drive to do something and not forgetting about it and it still doesn’t get done.

“Why didn’t you do x?” they’ll ask. And you just sit there thinking shit, you meant to, really, honest to god meant to, it was on your brain to do and yet all you could actually do that day was sit around and watch terrible TV. And then you feel terrible because YOU think you’re lazy.It’s not laziness. It’s executive dysfunction.

5. Another not so well known EXDYF fact: Mental math or memorization for you will always be the literal bane of your existence. Teachers always told me I was a “smart kid” in school (I am, but not the point) and then they’d wonder why I couldn’t memorize a five line poem.

Or I’d start off with a 60 on a math test, until my teacher would comb through my work by hand (only useful math teacher I ever had in high school tbh) and I’d end up with a 92 because nearly all of my mistakes involved basic arithmetic errors. Even though I was able to use a calculator on the test.

(One time I decided 21-19=14. To this day 8 years later I still do not know from what abyss my brain pulled that info from.)

“You’re smart! Just focus!” I can’t choose what my brain decides to focus on that easily, Sharon, not without a lot of crying and panicking.

6. But wait! You say. I have really obscure information from a fandom that I can infodump on someone at a moment’s notice! Surely that means I’m just Lazy and Unmotivated, right? I guess I just can’t be bothered to memorize the important stuff.

*Loud buzzer noise* Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I will take you by the shoulders and look deep into your eyes and make you realize that guess what? If you have an ADHD brain, you have NO control over telling your brain what is important and what is not. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Your brain decides, and you usually get no say in the matter.

This sounds bad, I know. And in terms of school, birthdays, appointments, it’s terrible. But you’re not helpless. It sounds trite, but, get a good goddamn calendar app on your phone and use the hell out of it for appointments and birthdays. And for school? Find those fandoms and use mnemonics. No, seriously.

7. Also on school: You procrastinate the hell out of everything. And I’m not talking normal “haha I’ll do it later!” procrastination. I’m talking serious, problematic, REPEATED “why the fuck can’t I just do it on time like a normal person” procrastination where you start blaming yourself for not doing it sooner like a neurotypical.

Listen, buddy ol’ pal (or however that goes), you’re not neurotypical. But listen- there’s actually a medical reason why you do this.

So everyone’s brains have reward systems, right? Your brain gives you the feel good when you do something you think you should. And later, a brain remembers that it got the feel good for doing the thingy thing.

In a brain with ADHD, that reward system malfunctions. Sometimes critically. Your brain chucks so much stuff it deems “unnecessary” out the window it chucked out that feel good you got when you turned in that homework on time, or cleaned out your car, or did some pilates for 30 minutes.

8. You want to know what doesn’t help with number 7 there? Another thing that won’t show up on symptom lists but that virtually everyone I know with ADHD (quite a few, actually. Turns out we hang out in packs because we’re usually the only people who can understand each other) about ADHD is how daunting large tasks or projects seem to an ADHDer.

So listen, more medical talk here. Remember that EXDYF thing? Yeah, this is part of that.

EXDYF makes it very, very hard (almost impossible, sometimes) to break down large tasks into smaller, more feasible tasks. You get nervous the longer you put off that paper (“this isn’t something you can spit out overnight!”) You’ve been sitting in front of your computer for hours, and the only word you have written down is “The”.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s actually super hard to break down large undertakings into smaller tasks for the ADHD brain. But! Solution.

-if you’re having a problem breaking down ANY sort of task, I promise there’s someone else who’s done it online.

Need to write a paper? Use a template. Need to clean out your car? Find a checklist, or have a friend make you one (cause Lord knows I can’t make one on my own). Need to make a presentation? Find a sample one online. Hell, this even works for taxes. (Gasp!)

Do NOT be afraid to ask for help with even personal large undertakings. If your friends are actually your friends, then they’ll relish the chance. Especially when you can turn around and blaze through a quarter of the important project you two (or however many) have due next week in four hours because of hyperfocus.

9. So, your focus. Totally trash, right? That is, until you hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus, to a neurotypical, probably sounds great. Tune out all distractions and get shit done, right?

Sure, Linda, if you can call being able to ignore things like the need to sleep, eat, and use the bathroom “tuning out distractions.” Time becomes a literal illusion. And damn do you pay for it later by your brain not wanting to do anything at all.

On the flip side, this is why ADHD people make fantastic emergency workers like EMTs and firepeople. If you learn what to do with adrenaline when you start feeling it, you feel like you could punch Satan himself when you’re riding an adrenaline+hyperfocus high. Combine that with the fast-paced, unexpected nature of such jobs and and you have a happy ADHD brain because it’s never bored.

10. Because boredom feels like death. No, Cheryl, I’m not being overdramatic. Yes, Becky, I recognize everyone has to deal with boredom.

A neurotypical’s boredom and an ADHDer’s boredom are two very different levels of boredom. Ever heard the phrase “bored to tears”? Now imagine every time you get even a little bored, it’s like this.

And of course, the ADHD hell brain remembers the bad feels of being bored but can’t recall how nice it was to remember all of the answers on a quiz that one time you paid attention in class.This is why I have the worst problems doing homework and housework, or in general anything with serious repetition (exercise, cooking, driving, tidying up etc.). I can do it for maybe 10-15 minutes, and then my brain’s like “k I’m good. Next source of input please?” like, brain, I’m only like 3 feet into washing the kitchen floor. P l s.

11. Speaking of tears. Has rejection by someone you value ever felt like you wanted to quit existing on the spot, or at the very least wanted to move to an ice cave in Greenland and cry for the rest of your life? Even if the rejection was just perceived rejection and your friend was just expressing grumpiness at something else?

Even if your logic says “they didn’t reject you calm down you’re overreacting?”

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s a newer term, but honestly, once I found out about my own ADHD and this bitch of a symptom a loooooooot of my weird habits started making a lot of sense in my head.

It doesn’t have to be actual “rejection”. It can get set off from stuff like awkwardness (hence my personal resistance to making Adult Phone Calls) to disbelief (a huge, huge reason so many people go undiagnosed), to personal judgment and/or criticisms (oh, ok… I guess I’ll never mention my love for X ever again) to even just indifference (no one noticed I mopped all the floors in the house… guess I’ll just go die!).

Basically, if you perceive that someone you care about has dismissed you in some fashion, you literally just want to quit existing. On the spot. Because the feeling of it makes you feel sick, your chest gets tight, you can feel it in your hands, and it makes the rest of your day miserable.This variant is more likely with people you care about, but can definitely 100% happen with strangers too.

Another variant is this: if you perceive that someone (whether you care about them or not) has dismissed you in some fashion, your first instinct is to attempt to disregard and discard them completely. It usually doesn’t work like you want it to.

I’m pretty sure this is another reason why ADHD people hang out in packs. We always have a line in our head we’re terrified to cross with our friends. It makes us seem like we’re emotionally unavailable- but in reality we’re just terrified of being dismissed by our friends for showing our true geeky, infodumping, hyperfixating selves.

(Listen. If a friend mocks you for your true self they weren’t your friend in the first place.)

12. But in terms of crossing that line… Social cues? What are social cues?

Normal people can infer a lot from body language. With a lot of ADHD people, we tend not to notice. Or we notice too much and overanalyze. There’s no in between.

On a side note, your best bet for flirting successfully with an ADHDer is to just come out and say it. (Talk like an elcor. “Flirtatiously: I want to hear more.” or whatever innocent phrase it is you’re using to flirt. If they’re into Mass Effect, this will make them laugh, which means bonus points for you in their eyes.)But seriously, unless you’re making obviously romantic overtures we’re usually pretty sure you’re just being nice.

Back on topic: lack of social ability is a massive, massive reason people with ADHD are usually bullied growing up. If there aren’t any other ADHD people around, it usually feels like no one “gets” you. I was bullied horribly enough during junior high and high school to the point where I still have to repress the urge to automatically assume someone being nice to me means they’re plotting something behind my back. (Didn’t help that my hs was basically the Korriban Sith academy without most of the death. Culty, religious, nepotism ran rampant.)

13. Woe betide thee who angers the ADHD. It's not a problem with everyone, but... We’re like volcanoes. Awe-inspiring to watch in action, but God help you if we explode in your direction. And if it’s righteous anger there is almost literally no stopping us.

Anger has its uses. Our problem is that, like a volcano, we always have a lot simmering under the surface. We tend to hold onto it for ridiculous amounts of time until one day, boom. Yeah, I know, Kathy, that happens with everyone. Delayed gratification and all. The difference with ADHDers is that we usually don’t wait.

ADHDers’ anger will come out initially, because we can’t suppress it. We’re impulsive as fuck. We don’t think before we leap (our brains probably wouldn’t let us anyway). And it will seem like we are flying off the handle for no reason whatsoever. But we also have a tendency to unhealthily hold onto it afterwards even once the initial burst has happened. It’s like a (bad!) positive feedback loop.

14. Gotta bounce the leg. Gotta rock. Gotta fidget. Shit, I’m sorry, were you talking?

So one time I made it through 40 minutes of a math class actively suppressing the urge to bounce my leg… and then my leg twitched of its own accord. Freaky as shit, 0/10 recommend.

Sitting still is physically impossible for me, and for a lot of ADHDers. Lack of impulse control + lack of social cue knowledge + lack of ability to decide what’s important to our brains = Fidget fidget. Fidget fidget. Twitch. Fiddle with paper. Hey, my backpack has a fun texture by the zipper. Oh my God, that lady on the TV is wearing the best shade of blue ever! I wonder where she got it. Shit, I need to go shopping. Wait, why did I need to go shopping again?

“Hey I asked you what you got for number 7.”

Fuck.

15. Depressive episodes. For me, these usually happen after a major hyperfocus where I taxed my brain for all it was worth, especially for long periods of time.

If it lasts for a long time or starts seriously affecting your life, get it checked out. If your doctor gives a damn they’ll be happy you came in to get it checked, even if it was the wrong diagnosis, because if it had been then at least they were there to help you. And they’ll always be happy to sit down and figure out what’s wrong. I know they have to watch out for hypochondriacs and whatnot. But if a doctor really cares about helping people they’ll listen when you say something’s wrong, because they know that you’re the one in your skin, not them. Which means if you really think something might be wrong, something probably is.

More evidence: justexecutivedysfunctionthings here on tumblr. Contains people’s experiences with EXDYF, which is a huge red flag for ADHD.

The Wikipedia article on the subject. There’s a nicely organized chart. (Or at least there was when I looked at it.) Remember, you don’t have to identify with all of the symptoms to be ADHD. Even if you only identify with a few, if they’re significant enough that they are seriously impacting your life and existence, it’s worth getting checked out.

I may add more to this later/change some stuff as my memory allows.

[adhd-ahamilton]

Lams, either canon era or modern AU, 1, 2, 3, 12, 14, 17, 22, 24, 28, 29, 30 (I'm so sorry, feel free to pick and choose from these haha!)

*cracks knuckles*(These are gonna be historical verse, in the context of my ficlets,unless I commit otherwise!) (Also sorry for the wait!! I actually had almost all of this done one the day I said it’d be done, it was just the last 10% that got me lol.)

1. Who is the mostaffectionate?

Alex. For obviousreasons, he’s usually the one to initiate things. (In fact Johnjust kind of straight up basically never initiates through the earlystages of their relationship, because while letting gay things happenis bad, willingly choosing and encouraging gay things is worse to hisconscience. This, uh, isn’t particularly viable of a relationshipin the long term, though.) But Alex is also just the more physicaland touchy of the two of them in general, and is the one more nervousof rejection and needing reassurance. John needs those things too,but not as much as Alex.

2. Big spoon/Littlespoon?

They both do iteither way pretty evenly! They both probably would have a sliiightpreference for being big spoon under normal circumstances, but it’sreally not a big deal and they’re mainly just happy to be close(and warm).

3. Most commonargument?

Heh, I’ve beenthinking about this kind of thing lately but I haven’t quitesettled on much? They definitely seem to be pretty similar people whounderstood each other really well so I feel like they’d be on thesame wavelength a lot. And from the letters they seemed to be prettygood at dealing with each others’ emotions, particularly Ham withLaurens’ depression. But, they both did seem to have various issuesgoing on with their emotions in general, and they were both verypassionate and hot-tempered people with a penchant for being blunterthan they really should. (Also, like, I always imagined Ham being theone to immediately go for the jugular in arguments, but Laurens isthe one who responded to a very mild and possibly imaginary farewell from a good friend by just fucking going off at him about every reason whyhis political views are terrible, so... IDK man.)

So I’m not toosure. Clearly, the situation they’re in as a couple is not an easyone - any people would have to work hard to keep it a positive thingunder those circumstances. Add in that there’s a war going on, andthey’re working day and night and regularly risking their lives,and everything else about the time period... there’s a whollle lotthat would make people frustrated and argumentative.

Though I do thinkthat they probably had at least a few heated discussions aboutpolitics, which may or may not have involved them actually agreeing,but not realising until half an hour in, because they both just takesuch staunch and antagonistic stances.

12. Who initiateskisses?

Alex, for thereasons above~ (Some of the happiest moments for him are the fewtimes John initiates one!)

14. Who kisses thehardest?

John, once he gets abit settled into the relationship. Alex has many reasons to kiss, andkisses in many different ways, but for John, Alex is the first personhe’s kissed who he actually wanted to kiss (with Kinloch it wasessentially handjobs and not much else), and the significance of thatis not lost on him. Kissing, to him, is important.

17. Who says I loveyou first?

Honestly, John isprobably the one who first uses the word in the broader sense ofloving his friend. Alex is definitely the one who uses it first in aromantic sense - aaaaand that’s something that’s gonna happen inan upcoming ficlet, so I shouldn’t say too much more. :P

22. Who cooksmore/who is better at cooking?

I don’t know toomuch about this, but I think that, historical verse, neither of themwould really cook? Like John wouldn’t, obviously, but IDK whetherHam ever really would, either?

So modern AU answer:John doesn’t cook. Has never cooked. Lacked, in fact, the kind ofearly exposure to cooking that teaches you normal common sensethings, like the kind of general temperature range you cook things inan oven at, or to put oil/butter in a pan when frying stuff. He findsthis very embarrassing, but doesn’t really want to practice,because it is very embarrassing and also he doesn’t want anyone toknow. He could give you a decent explanation of the effect ofclassism and the way privilege has allowed him to lack the knowledgeto prepare something he has consumed multiple times a day for hisentire life and needs to survive, though? Which is almost the same asactually knowing how to cook?

Alex DOES know howto cook because, of course, he lacked that privilege. I’m moreshaky on Alex’s background in Joy to the World verse but hedefinitely had extended periods of needing to cook for himself. So hecan mainly cook standard Western individual meals, as well as some traditional PuertoRican stuff he remembers learning from his mum. He’s not, like,super great at it, though? He doesn’t actually enjoy cooking allthat much. It’s just kinda boring to him. And he’s never greatwhen he has to work at someone else’s pace. So he mainly just makessimple stuff. And, y’know, hasn’t always eaten properly, becausea) it’s cheaper, b) he has ADHD and that’s just kind of a thingthat happens when you have that.

24. Who whispersinappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

A L E X. John canbarely bring himself to say normal relationshippy stuff, heh -there’s no way he could bring himself to this. Alex, on the otherhand, would definitely do it. And in fact, given his tendency ofmumbling to himself as he thinks, I feel like he’s the type whowould, if he lets his guard down, just end up muttering streams ofexplicit nonsense during sex.

But I also thinkhe’d do it deliberately? Their experiences with sex are very verydifferent. Alex has had a lot of experience to do it and figure outwhat he enjoys and how to have good sex with another person andexperience pleasure. John...hasn’t. So I feel like Alex would wantto talk a bit, to like, reassure him of the good aspects of it, andhow he’s enjoying it, and to give a lil bit of guidance.

28. What do they dowhen they’re away from each other?

Not very well, bythe sounds of it.;; Which, y’know, again: it’s war. Andcommunication is limited to sending letters back and forth. So it’spretty reasonable.

In general,though... Alexander tends to experience extremes in his emotions, andtends to get very anxious about the people he really cares aboutabandoning him, or not loving him as much, etc. So he tends to obsessa bit when separated from the people he cares about. Definitelycomplains to at least Lafayette and probably just to the peoplearound him in general about the unfairness of it all and how much hemisses him. But at the end of the day, he still has a hell of a lotof work to do, so he does still get on with things.

John, on the otherhand, is pretty much always fighting against rising tides ofdepression in him, and during the war is one of the worst periods forhim. So when things go wrong in general, his brain’s first responseis usually ‘oh. well, I should’ve known. Nothing good ever happensbecause I don’t deserve to be happy and this is just the way theworld is.’ It’s already deliberate work for him to be happy withAlex and in their relationship; when they’re separated it gets alot harder. So he mainly gets sad and distant. But, again, he’salso a very diligent person and he always manages to pull himselfinto working p much as normal, unless the worst of the apathy takesover.

29. one headcanonabout this OTP that breaks your heart

I can never stopwondering what Hamilton must have thought and felt post-Combahee. Wealready know that he was aware that Laurens was tempted by the ideaof suicide. I can’t imagine he wouldn’t have learned of thecircumstances of his death. I wonder what he thought about it. Did hewonder what impact he had on it all? Whether he should have saidmore, or said different things? Or left him alone altogether?

30. one headcanonabout this OTP that mends it

I’m glad that Hamilton didn’t die, then. There’s this strong temptation in all of us to romanticise death, especially in the context of romance - I mean, that’s part of the reason why the Achilles myth still affects people so badly today, right? But death isn’t honorable or glorious or romantic. It’s awful. I’m glad that as sad as he clearly was, he was still able to keep living and being happy and having a whole bunch of children he clearly loved. Even if Hamilton made a lot of mistakes in his life as well, and still died too young, I think Laurens would be really satisfied by how much he did even after his death.

And even before that, they affected one another so much. Who knows how much harder things would’ve been for Laurens if he hadn’t had Hamilton there, reassuring him that he was loved and good and helping him to manage his depression? And it’s so clear how much Hamilton changed by being with him - becoming so much more open to other people. They were so good to one another in their lives. Even if it was cut terribly short, it was still so important. And now, 200 years later, people are still learning about this relationship and being inspired and comforted by it. That’s really wonderful! I mean... in a way, it’s lasted for not just 5 years, but 200, hasn’t it?

[lovebholesnotwar]

seriously tho tor.. i know you hate when i bring up past shit & reliving anything more than anyone i’ve ever knew lol... but i’ve just been thinking a lot lately. & to be vague as possible... i just feel like i really made you feel very alone, & made fun of you & was kinda a dick to you, when you were going through some hard times.. for a person that was willing to travel across the country & back for me, & prob honestly put more effort into our relationship than i even really did. i didn’t treat as i should. which is my favorite bitch. i feel like i deserve every bad thing you ever did to me these days.. & so much more, really lol. (if only i had some hotter friends worth actually fucking!) hah no, i think i deff got my karma for everything in the end.. now that i ironically have 2 chipped front teeth, & can barely see out of my right eye anymore hah... & i’m even kinda talking to this girl who is a real prostitute, which i’m sure will amuse you! (especially the fact she never has even sucked or fucked me before, & is like already cucking me! always off, just sucking some other dude’s bigger dick for money!) honestly, i love the ways we infected each other’s personalities though... i still literally haven’t even got my dick sucked in like 6 years. or tried (& failed) to fuck a girl’s vagina in like 7 years.. & haven’t even put it in a girl’s butt in like 8 years now... i guess i like to think you’re out there somewhere, & know, & are proud of me though...  for all the times you wanted me to realize just what a little bitchboy beta male i really am deep down, that doesn’t deserve no pussy...  that i finally truly accept what a little dick loser i am, that i like don’t even whip my own dick out for my own gf anymore. (what pops in my mind - that first time i was making out with you, with my hand shoved down the front of your pants, & you were soaking wet... then whipped my lil’ dick out, saw just how small it was in person, & kept trying to look away & folding yr lips under your teeth, & were like bone dry in seconds! never to be that wet again!)  now i just try to push them into worshiping big dicks from the start! in hopes to never put another girl through everything i put you through again... i honestly love all the ways i’ve effected who you are as a person though! i love how much i made you realize hoe much you just really fucking hate small dicks. <3 & how much it makes you want to kill yourself to think to be stuck with one again..  i love that i pushed you into big dick superiority even more than before we dated! to after me, it went to like x10 :p ... that you hate short, scrawny “men.” that are feminine. with no muscles. you always want to fuck some tall, muscular, masculine, dominant alpha male now! with a huge, thick, veiny cock! finally realizing “size doesn’t just matter... it’s literally the only thing that matters.” haha i think that’s hot about you though... that you know what you want. & get it. & don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks about it. honestly, sometimes i wish you were a little more of a slut! you’re hot. work it! you should like have one of each dating site, always finding new guys, new prey, then infecting hundreds after hundreds of guys across america with pix of yr fine ass butthole! infecting their brains, until you’ve created hundreds of little monsters still jerking off about it like 10 years later, just like me! in return, getting so many dick pix that your computer runs out of space! while you sort out yr “top 20″ list, & just always fuck whichever guy has the biggest dick first! & then just go down the line from there! it should make you mad there are so many real men with big dicks out there that haven’t realized you suck the best dick, & buttfuck better than literally anyone! even pros! i love that part of you that “wants revenge.” & is always fucking your ex’s best friends & dads. i think it’d be hot if sucking 2 different dicks in the same day was “a pretty average wednesday.” hah! going out on a lunch date with one guy. sucking his dick. (just for the love of sucking dick.) then going to out dinner, sucking him off with the taste of another guy’s dick still fresh on yr lips. but then buttfuck him. & just go around torturing boys, loving when they get mad when they realize you’ve a\been buttfucking their best friend behind their back. but not them. & are so burnt you never would let them stick in it in your butt, as yr new shtick. really though, nothing makes me harder though than a bunch of hung wigger dudes fucking your asshole sore with their big dicks,until you squirt so fucking hard you accidentally start pissing yourself... in the woods. while you do that thing where you squeeze your butthole tight, & they blow their load balls deep, 9 inches deep up your asshole! their thick veins twitching & pulsating. as they pull out, & you lean over more, showing off yr huge gape to them. have them take a pic. impressed. it’s your biggest one yet. then send it to me. i sa “wow. i’m impressed. your biggest one yet!” before you blow your loud post-anal farts on their dick head. drizzling their own cum back down them, while you suck it back up, blow cum bubbles, spit it back on their dick, & suck it off again so hard that hey’re already cumming a second time in your mouth while you do it. fuck i miss you sometimes, clearly. haha. but seriously though, my ADHD aside, i just want you to be happy,,, i just want to be on team tori again... (not team kyle.) for real this time. i know you used to always just think i want something out of you or something. but the only real aspiration i have with you these days is that maybe the hung wigger dude you’re banging actually lives close to me, like a 20 min drive away, to see me... (i’m s’posed to get a moped soon!c adulting!) & that maybe you then tie me up & force me to watch. after having him kick my ass for foreplay, or having me lurk in the woods, hearing the balls smacking against your ass from a mile away.. then sneak off “to pee.” but, between realizing you actually really do have to pee & just start pissing in my mouth (like it’s almost my foot on my shower floor or something!(, you make me lick your asshole clean & blow your post-anal farts in my mouth. while i can imagine now our communication being me being “i love you...” & you being like “shut up bitch. you’re not eating my ass hard enough if i can still hear words coming out of your mouth. but anyway.. i’m sorry tor.. i just hope we can be good.. or at least a little better to some degree before we die. you’re still my fav bitch. & like half my personality, split away from me...