#my WORST FEAR really do be analog horror huh

[werewolfdays]

Threats (part 3)

last part! dealing with the aftermath and questioning some life decisions in this one -

A few days have passed since everything went down and things started to go back to normal. Except for one thought that kept haunting me. It became a borderline obsession while I contemplated it during every free moment I had to myself. Going through it over and over in my head, weighing my options, talking myself out of it, talking myself into it. I forced myself to make the decision today. I had to make the decision before it could be made for me.

“Jay?” I prompted nervously.  

“Hm?” she hummed distractedly while she was trying to figure out the best strategic hiding places for weapons in our room. She wanted to make sure that I had something to fall back on if we ever had to deal with another kidnapping situation or anyone that wanted to invade.

“I’m going to ask something of you.” I waited for her to look at me, but she must’ve been too deep in her task. Jayde’s mood has improved, though I could see that she was still working through everything that happened. I knew I should wait to ask this, but I also felt like if I didn’t rush through it, I would lose my resolve. So, to get her attention, I added, “And you’re not going to like it.”

Jayde’s movements slowed at my words, her wary gaze meeting mine, “What is it?”

My chest tightened in anticipation, “Just try to keep an open mind, okay?”

Her eyes narrowed as she frowned in concern, taking a step towards me, “Nadya, what-”

“I want you to turn me.” I blurted. 

Jayde’s whole body froze and her expression shifted quicker than I could blink. The concern was gone. She was staring at me like I was a complete stranger. “That’s not funny.” she said in a strained whisper. 

“I’m not joking.” I replied, struggling to keep my tone level through the sudden and thick tension that filled the room. 

“Of course you are.” she said with a bitter scoff, “Because I know there’s no goddamn way you would ever ask me to do that.” 

“But I just did.” She scoffed again, shaking her head and turning away from me. I tried to stay in her line of sight. “I want you to.” 

“My answer is no.” 

“Why?” I urged. 

Jayde scowled at me darkly, an expression I’ve never received from her. It made my heart drop into my gut. “Because you don’t want it!” 

She had me there. I didn’t even have to dig that deep to know that this was never something I really wanted, but I also knew it was inevitable. “I’ve changed my mind.”

“No, you clearly haven’t or you wouldn’t be asking me like this!” Jayde's voice was rising more and more after each word. I don’t think she’s ever been this angry with me. 

A charged moment of silence passed between us as I tried to think of a way to convince her.

“Do you know what a couple of people here have said to me once? They told me that a human getting involved with werewolves can end in two ways.” I took a step towards her and she actually took a step away from me, but not in anger. Sure, she was still pissed, but I could see an edge of fear in her expression now. Jayde already knew what I was going to say. “They get killed. Or they get turned.” 

“So you’ll believe any bullshit superstition that an old wolf tells you, huh?” she jabbed defensively. 

“That’s the thing,” I continued, feeling my own bitterness, “I didn’t believe it. Not until Anthony basically said the same thing. Not until I almost got turned against my will. And then I thought about the time I asked you if you had the ability to turn me. I saw a look on your face then and I didn’t understand what it meant until recently. You believe it too.”

“I don’t.” 

“You do.” I insisted impatiently because she knew she was a terrible liar, “So, if it has to happen, I want it to be you. I don’t want to be threatened like that again, I want a choice. And I’m choosing you.” 

Tears began to sparkle in her midnight eyes, her expression still hard, “Don’t fucking say it like that.” 

“I’m not trying to manipulate you, Jay.” I said while shaking my head and reached for her. 

Jayde flinched away from my touch and walked around me so she could put distance between us. That hurt more than getting my concussion. “It doesn’t matter if you’re doing it on purpose or not, you still are! I told you no, Nadya. You won’t change my mind because of exactly what you said. If it has to happen. You’re not asking because you really want this. You’re asking because you feel like you have no other choice!” 

“I don’t have another choice!” 

“Yes, Nadya, you do! You can choose to fight it to be what you really are! Not give in because you’re spooked about a fate that you don’t know for sure!” Jayde paused to take in a deep sigh, running a frustrated hand through her hair, “Instead, you ask me to turn you like this and it’s… it’s fucking insulting. It’s insulting to me, it’s insulting to my kind, and it’s insulting to you.” her burning eyes bore into mine with the first bit of scrutiny that she’s ever had towards me, and she shook her head slowly. “I know you’re better than this.”  

I couldn’t deny the shame this made me feel and Jayde’s disappointment made my sight blur with my own tears. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t change my mind. “I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision.” 

“I won’t do it.” She said firmly.

“Then I’ll ask Skye or Toby.”

She fixed me with her hard stare, “They won’t help you either. For the same exact reasons that I’m refusing you.” 

I shrugged, lifting my arms in exasperation, “Then someone else at the Lodge. There are plenty of wolves here that owe me favors.” 

Jayde’s lip twitched in a snarl, “I’d kill anyone that tries to turn you.” 

My breath stopped short at her threat, “You wouldn’t.” 

“I would.” she replied fiercely, though there was a slight waver in her tone, “Anyone stupid enough to go against me and put your life at risk like that deserves to fucking die.” 

Feeling defeated and wondering if I was relieved about it or not, I tried just one more time, “Jayde… please.” 

I saw her jaw clench at my voice, “You know where I stand.” then she made a move to leave, roughly wiping her tears off her cheeks, “I’m done talking. I need to go on a run.” 

“Jayde, wait!” I rushed to her, grabbing her arm to stop her because I didn’t want her to leave and still be angry with me. 

She glared at me, “If you go behind my back and find a way to turn yourself, you and I are going to have a real fucking problem.” she growled, her tone trembling even more, and pulled out of my grasp while yanking the door open. 

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes to quiet the sudden throbbing in my brain as the door slammed shut behind her. She was right. About everything. But it didn’t change the fact that I was terrified of what my eventual fate would be. I just wanted to beat it to the punch, get it over with and have Jayde be a part of it with me so I could have some sense of safety. Now there was going to be a looming sense of dread while I go through each day wondering when the other shoe will drop. If Jayde won’t turn me then who is it going to be? Another rogue werewolf? Or will someone end my life before that can happen? 

God, I hated myself for making Jayde angry. All I wanted was her comfort right now, to make her understand my fear, but I ruined it instead. I finally drove her away from me. Worst of all, I deserved it. We’ve spent these last few days trying to regain normalcy again, move past all the horrors we just went through, but I could have just set her recovery back to zero with this. 

I slumped into the desk chair with my head in my hands, allowing my tears to fall freely while stewing in my own guilt. Despite the fact that I knew I was in the wrong, I didn’t regret asking, only regretted my delivery. I should have waited. I should have explained my reasoning better. Jayde would have understood. Maybe still would have refused me, but she wouldn’t have looked at me like she just did. She wouldn’t have pulled away from me like my touch was the worst thing in the world to her. 

A knock on the door took me out of my thoughts, “Nadya?” Skye called through the door, “You okay in there? Can I come in?”

I slowly leaned back in my seat, contemplating whether or not I was up for having company right now. After a few steadying breaths, I sniffled and wiped my tears away, “It’s open.”

The door opened and shut, but I had a hard time making myself look up at Skye. “So, uh,” she started and I saw her sit down on the edge of the bed out of the corner of my eye, “Something went down, huh?”

“Yeah, something like that.” I confirmed flatly.

She nodded solemnly, “I ran into Jayde in the hallway. She looked pissed as all hell, even I know better than to throw rocks at that wasp nest, but I figured you might wanna… talk about it?” 

Silence hung in the air for several long seconds before I finally answered, “I really messed up.” my voice came out strained as I held back another wave of tears.

“You couldn’t have messed up too bad.” Skye insisted with a light chuckle.

“I asked her to turn me.”

That seemed to totally stump Skye. I’ve rarely seen her rendered speechless, but when I looked up, she was blinking at me in complete shock. “Oh, shit…”

I huffed humorlessly, “Yeah.” 

“Nadya,” Skye sighed, shaking her head at me. Her tone just made me feel worse, “You gotta understand what it means to her. Asking her now, after everything that happened? I mean, I know you didn’t mean it, but that’s… not the way to go about it.” 

“Believe me,” I admitted slowly, “I am painfully aware of that.”

Skye studied me silently for about a minute. “You’re scared. I get it. But when someone threatens to burn your house down, you don’t burn it down yourself.” 

Points for the analogy, I thought to myself, feeling very much like someone was holding a molotov up to my current way of life. “I know you’re right. I guess it just felt like my house was going to burn down either way.” 

“It doesn’t have to.” She reassured me, “Listen, maybe it’s hard for a human to live in this kind of life, but it is possible. You’ve proven that so far. The fact that you went this long before having a close call like this is pretty damn impressive.” 

“It doesn’t feel impressive.” I mumbled miserably and wiped away a stray tear, “Just feels like I’ve been going off borrowed time.”

Skye nodded in understanding, “It’s not hard imagine what it was like for you to have to go through that. It would’ve been all sorts of wrong if Anthony actually turned you, and there are definitely more wolves like him out there, but you’re smart and strong. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to be something you’re not to protect yourself. You already have you. And you also got a pack of wolves that have your back no matter what.”

Her words were starting to make me feel better, but I still had guilt weighing heavily on me when I thought of Jayde. “Well… maybe minus one wolf after today.”

“Nadya, give her time.” Skye stood up from the bed to grab our extra chair and sit beside me at the desk, “Jayde would forgive you for anything. Pretty sure you could murder me and she’d get over it after a day or so.” 

“That’s a little extreme.” I noted with an amused exhale.

“Well, it’s true.” she reached out to squeeze my knee in assurance, “She just needs to blow off some steam and she’ll be back to talk it out with you.”

I hoped that was true, but I was worried it wouldn’t change the issue, “She still won’t turn me.” 

Skye shook her head in agreement, “No, she won’t. And I don’t think she ever should.” I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up a hand to continue, “Just think about it for a second. Even if you were one-hundred percent certain about being a werewolf and you asked her to turn you, Jayde would have to watch you go through something that, to put it lightly, isn’t pretty. Not to mention that you could actually die. And that would be because of her. Could you put her through days of suffering and risk her life? Even if she asked you for it?” 

That wasn’t something that really crossed my mind before now. Skye had another point. Jayde would undoubtedly hate herself if she was the one who put me through the change. I didn’t even want to think of the anguish she would go through if it ended in my death, I didn’t even want to think of that possibility for myself. If our positions were flipped, I wouldn’t even think about doing that to Jayde. I felt even more guilt for not considering this. That had to be one of the reasons why she was so angry with me. 

I let out a slow sigh in defeat, “You’re right.” 

“Look,” Skye said, leaning closer to me, “If, one day, you really genuinely want this and can convince me that you’re absolutely sure… I’ll turn you.” 

I blinked at her, thinking I misheard. “What?”

“I will turn you if that’s what you want. Only because no matter how much she might want to, Jayde can’t rip my head off for it.” Skye smirked and shrugged, “Perks of being the only living blood relative she has left.” 

“You would really do that?” 

She nodded, perhaps too happily, “Yeah, I really would. But only if there isn’t a single doubt in your mind.” 

While this offer was more than I thought I deserved from Skye, I also realized that it was completely useless. I would never be absolutely sure about my decision to become a werewolf and I suspected Skye knew that. She was so comfortable promising me this because she knew I would never be able to fully convince her. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but that actually made me feel comforted. 

“Thank you, Skye.” 

She waved her hand dismissively, “Don’t mention it. Actually, please do mention it, it’s not often that I make people feel better when they’re upset.” 

That lightened the mood enough to make me laugh. “Sure thing.” then I studied her more closely, “How are you doing?”

Skye raised her eyebrows, “With the kidnapping thing or the guy that basically destroyed my whole life?”

“Both?”

She pursed her lips and rocked a bit in her chair while she thought of an answer, “I meant what I said. He did deserve it. I’m just trying to figure out if I would have done the same thing as Jayde or not. I think I wanted to… but I think I’m glad that I didn’t have to. Glad that I didn’t have to see it happen either.” 

I nodded, “I get it.”

“I wanted to be like Jayde for a while. You know, when she came back for me.” Skye explained, “She was so badass and wasn’t afraid to do the dirty work. I wanted to be like that. Or at least change the way she looked at me. I didn’t want to be the little sister anymore, I wanted to be her packmate. Someone to rely on. But it ended up being harder for me than I thought.” 

“She does rely on you, Skye. More than you know.” 

“You think so?” She asked, her green eyes bright with hope.

“I know so,” I answered without a single doubt, “You don’t have to be brutal to be useful.”

Skye gave me a crooked grin, “Guess you’d know all about that.” 

“Sometimes.” 

“You wanna go grab a drink or something?”

I shook my head, “No, that’s alright. I think I’m just going to distract myself with studying.” 

“Jesus, you are such a nerd.” Skye grumbled as she stood up. 

“Being a nerd is what saves your dumbass lives, you know.” I countered with a quick smirk. 

Skye pointed at me once she reached the door, “You got me there.” 

Once Skye left, I pulled out my textbooks and laptop. The attempt to immerse myself in work wasn’t for a lack of trying. For a while, it actually helped, but then snippets of my fight with Jayde kept seeping back into my mind. They kept replaying like I could somehow change the outcome of what already happened. Like if I could go back in time and just rephrase my argument, I could spare us both a great deal of frustration and pain. 

After a few hours, I gave up. Mostly because the mental strain was making my recovering head start to pound. I looked at the clock and realized I missed dinner, but I also wasn’t hungry, so I just decided to lie down and rest my eyes for the sake of my hurting brain. 

As time went on, with sleep alluding me, it began to dawn on me that Jayde wasn’t coming back home tonight. The full weight of just how offended and upset I made her caused a fresh wave of shameful tears to slide down my cheeks and dampen my pillow. I struggled with the idea of going to look for her, but also knew that if she really wasn’t back yet, then she needed the space away from me. Which hurt more than I thought it would, but it was far from undeserving. I needed to think of what to say, how to apologize, whenever she comes back. 

If she comes back. 

I wanted to believe Skye’s words, that Jayde only needed time and would forgive me for practically anything, but the longer I sat in darkened silence, the more I doubted it. I crossed a major line with Jayde today. One that not only offended her, but offended what she is and what she’s proud to be. What if she thinks that I just showed my true colors to her? What if she took it the wrong way and believes that I’ve secretly hated that she’s a werewolf?

It was around three in the morning when I heard the door open and shut quietly. I was so beside myself with relief that I had to restrain myself from jumping out of bed to hug her. As much as I wanted to discuss what happened with her, I was wary of how late it was and thought that she might want to sleep on it, so I acted like I wasn’t awake, which wasn’t easy to do.

Jayde moved around the room like she was trying not to disturb me, slowly opening and closing the dresser drawers to get into something more comfortable to sleep in. My impatience won out when she started to lie down on the bed. I was shocked that she was doing that, thinking that she would’ve wanted to take the floor or something. When I turned around to face her, she hesitated and stared at me in mild surprise.

After a moment, her gaze averted mine, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” I said, resisting the urge to touch her, “I didn’t think you were coming back.” 

Jayde slowly rested her body on the mattress, letting out a tired sigh, “I can’t sleep when you’re not next to me.” 

I wasn’t sure if I should be encouraged by that or not. I simply replied with a quiet, “Oh.”

The silence we fell into was another tense one. We stared at each other, mostly in shadow, like we both knew the other wanted to say a million things. While she had fully lied down, Jayde’s body was still tense and I worried that if I said or did the wrong thing it would prompt her to run. Most of all, I was worried that if she ran, I really wouldn’t see her again. I wanted to beg her to stay before I could utter my apology. I needed her to stay. 

It was finally me that broke this unsettling quiet, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about everything.”  

“I know you are, Nadya.” Jayde replied quietly. 

“I shouldn’t have asked you to turn me.” it was difficult to keep my frantic need to explain myself under control, “I would say that I wasn’t thinking, but I was. I thought about it a lot, and I knew it was wrong to ask you, and I did it anyway, because I was scared. That wasn’t okay and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for it.” 

Jayde sat quietly for a minute while she processed my words. “I…” it was hard to see her clearly in the darkness, but I still noticed she was struggling to look me in the eye, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I just felt blindsided by what you said and it really, really freaked me out. What happened fucked with both of us and I know you’re scared. The fact that you actually asked me to turn you was proof of just how afraid you are and that made me feel even worse about everything. So, I’m sorry too. For how I reacted.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry, Jayde.” My hand shifted a few inches towards her, desperately wanting a touch, but unsure if it was appropriate, “I get why you reacted the way you did, it’s understandable after what I pulled.” 

“That doesn’t excuse yelling at you like that.” her brows furrowed in a brief scowl at herself, “Or threatening lives.” 

I agreed with that last part, but only gave a small nod in response to it. “I won’t ever ask you to turn me again.” I promised, “I don’t want you to anymore.”

That’s when Jayde’s body finally relaxed and released a breath of relief like she had been holding it all day. “I’ll protect you, okay?” she told me with unwavering certainty in her voice, but it almost sounded like she was saying this to herself as much as me, “I’ll make sure something like this never happens again. You don’t have to worry about what anyone says to you and neither will I.”  

I nodded again. Every part of me wanted to believe her. Hell, maybe she was right. Maybe she could protect me. Maybe I really could live the rest of my life as a human. These were possibilities within reach. But after everything, I don’t think I could fully dampen that fear in the back of my mind. Which was fine. I could ignore it, just like every other fear I had. The safety that Jayde and the pack offered me gave enough comfort to my paranoia to keep the darkness at bay for now. 

To make up for the growing need to reach for her, I fiddled with a loose thread on the blanket. Even though we were resolving it, I still wasn’t sure if she would be okay with me touching her yet. “I hated fighting with you like that. It felt like I ruined everything.” 

“It wasn’t your brightest moment.” Jayde agreed carefully. Then her hand came to rest on top of mine, stopping me from yanking on the loose bit of string and drawing my gaze towards her. Her thumb brushing against the back of my hand right now had to be one of the best sensations I’ve experienced. “But you’d have to do something pretty spectacularly horrible to ruin everything. I’m pretty sure that’s beyond what you’re capable of.” 

I gave her a small smile and ducked my head, tentatively curling in closer to her. Jayde wrapped an arm around me, pulling me against her and granting me forgiveness with her warmth and comfort. Our limbs tangled together while I pressed my forehead to her collarbone and shut my eyes to inhale her scent. She smelled like the woods and earth with a hint of campfire smoke. It was a soothing scent that made me feel safe and loved, like nothing could hurt me as long as I was in her arms. This was exactly what I’ve been needing. 

“I love you, Jay.” I whispered against her skin when I shifted to plant a quick kiss to her neck. It was also a promise that I would try my best not to hurt her again like I did today. 

Jayde’s hand came up to gently push me back, but only so she could look at me. She tucked my hair behind my ear and ran the tips of her fingers along my jawline until they reached my chin, then she started tracing my bottom lip. Her eyes followed every direction her fingertips went like it wasn’t enough to just feel me, she needed to see me too. 

“I told myself I wouldn’t let you out of my sight after what happened.” she muttered as her thumb brushed the bruise on my temple, careful to avoid the stitches peeking out of my hairline. The touch was so light that I almost didn’t feel it. When her hand came back down to rest against my cheek, she made eye contact with me and I could tell there was a small amount of shame in her expression. 

“Don’t feel guilty for needing space.” I told her, reaching up to hold her forearm and caress her, “We’re done fighting and you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”  

Her voice was quiet enough that any other sound in the room might’ve drowned her out, “Okay.” 

Jayde pulled me into a delicate kiss. It was something that I wasn’t sure she was going to give me tonight, knowing that I probably didn’t deserve it, but I was still desperately hoping for it anyway. The soft cadence that I completely fell into was what finally convinced me that she had forgiven my transgression. She didn’t deepen it, but she also didn’t hold back the passion and I felt her own relief that the forgiveness granted her in the gentle way her lips moved against mine. 

“You know I love you too, right?” Jayde whispered against my mouth, the heat of her breath tickling my skin. “I will always love you. No matter what.” 

In this moment, I knew that was true. So I gave a single nod and kissed her once more, soaking up every bit of her love and comfort that I could. Struck by my own greediness, I started to pull away from her only to have Jayde’s hold on me tighten in an unwillingness to give up our contact so easily. Her lips followed mine and I couldn’t help but smile and let her take me again. We both needed this. 

I always knew how lucky I was whenever I fell asleep in her arms, but tonight, when another desperately needed rest came to both of us, I had an even deeper appreciation for it.

[djevelbl]

I thought I was immune to the Tangy Virus's horror & shit.

Well that was until I had to fight my own thoughts away from spiralling as I was finishing my shower yesterday 🙃🙃