#my 32 year old response so far is i don't like that i feel like i have to play it all the way through the three days before i can stop

[wewindondowntheroad]

playing majora's mask for the first time and its something

[gryp3978]

@fleetway-super-sonic yes I have anger issues as you've probably noticed, now im not trying to get off topic but, my boiling point at times would greatly resemble these two people, note two are fictional characters and the other's a real person, Martin riggs from lethal weapon, Harry Potter, and Jessie Ridgway from the channel mcjuggernuggets, they get angry too and won't take no shit from anyone, and ive been around lots of angry people who always reprimand me, especially my dad who had lots of anger issues when i was a kid as well, and ive been around lots of people who bully me and it would be really swell if you didn't give me a reason to add you to the list. And for the last time stop calling me names! I don't call you names, so don't call me names, or say any vulgar shit like that. Show some respect.

@fleetway-super-sonic 1, Do NOT! call me a Cockwaffle, and do not tell me such vulgar insults like "go jack off to fucking werewolf porn", that is very disrespectful, and inmature, you're 32 years old, you are the one who needs to get a life, did i speak to you like that when i tried apologizing? I dont think so. and 2 the real reason why I'm saying your being irrational was not because of you telling me to leave you alone, but because I had already apologized and admitted it was wrong for me to wine about that stupid character shit, let me make this very plain to you, I realized at a certain point that I had gone too far, and after I tried letting it go, you didn't give me a chance to let me speak, and you misinterpreted my response and thought I was intentionally being rude, then nomatter what response I gave you, nice or stern, you pushed me away each time, I only got angry at you because you keep antagonizing me, I left you alone for a whole fucking month to give you some space before apologizing, how many times to I have to point that out to you? Your not even acknowledging that, nor are you admitting your wrongs. and don't think for once that I don't respect your boundaries I tried responding to the last message you sent to me around the beginning or mid of May, I tried responding immediately to it in the comment bar on that account and yes the others as well, but my responses kept dissapearing on both tumblr and YouTube, so i had absolutely no idea if they even reached you, if they happened to be the same exact messages on the other accounts i made, its because i had no idea you even saw them, I dont know if you muted me or something, but they kept disapearing, and i dont know how tumblr works, im more used to twitter. I've had conflict with other people before, i know you don't care but im just gonna share this anyway, one person who I used to be friends with, was once as angry at me as you are now, over a misunderstanding and they said that they didn't want to talk to me anymore, and blocked my phone number as well, and you know what I did, I left them alone for 3 months, and I wrote a sincere appology letter to them and explained that I never intended to hurt their feelings, and gave it to someone who keeps in touch with them, I got a response back, and do you know what they said? They forgave me. Now as for trying to reach out to you on YouTube, I was trying to give a more calm approach so I simply sent a short "I'm sorry, can we talk?" Message, but it dissapeared, I am only calling you out because you fucking escalated the conversation, I wouldn't have gotten mad at you, if you didn't Start calling me names and saying my behavior is laughable, especially when I simply wanted to apologize, I'm sorry if i unintentionally harrased you, I wish you would just simply apologize for the way you spoke to me, and i simply wish you'd let us talk this out as mature adults, in a way where we're either not pissed off at each other or cussing each other out, seriously to accuse me of threatening you, and giving me inmature insults, all because of some stupid character bullshit you wont let me live down is absolutely stupid, i will not contact you anymore, but simply stop antagonizing me, I will not post any YouTube videos about you, so long as you apologize, admit your mistakes like I did and stop telling everyone that I'm the bad guy, I go to therapy regularly, don't think I don't, and I've definitely told this to people at work who have these issues with social media as well, and yes when I told a friend on mine about the gaslighing thing you said to me, they said that your the one who's doing it to me just by saying it.

[thegreatjoshb]

Llama Trauma

I haven't *written* a post in a long time. It feels like not since probably undergrad. But I have recently come to realize that my childhood was exquisitely traumatic, and it has left me a shell of a man who does not know how to navigate the world in an emotionally appropriate way.

My mother is the main reason for my trauma, repeatedly choosing another man over me and my siblings, never having a real conversation about our feelings (because she was likely traumatized herself and just... couldn't), and then topping it off by dying on my little brother's birthday. At like 11 pm. She couldn't even wait 1 hour to die, so add that to the list.

Anyway, my little brother and older sister were having a conversation the day before mother's day, and my sister was finally told about *some* of the horrible events that we went through in middle school and high school. My sister is 9 years older than me, and she moved out when she was 18 years old. She probably got the best parts of our mother for the longest time, but our mom fucked my sister up with her own special trauma.

My sister just apologized to me profusely for not being there, for not even knowing what happened to us. She wished she could have saved me and my brothers, but she couldn't have been there because she was going through her own life shit at the same time, and quite frankly, I was too embarrassed to tell anybody about what was actually happening in my life. I really didn't want ANYBODY to know - not my friends at school, not my sister, not my father, not even a random stranger [I didn't want the pity] - so I mostly kept it to myself. I repressed my emotional needs and became so self-sufficient because nobody else was meeting my needs, and it got to the point where even now, as a 32 year old man, the thought of asking anybody for help doesn't even cross my mind because I always feel like I am alone and there is nobody to help me.

My district manager at work has told me so many times to call him and let him know what I need help with and to contact him if I ever feel stressed. To this day, I have had a great working relationship with him, and the ONLY time I have ever called him was when my mother died. So long story short, I always feel like my childhood self who was left alone to fight and solve all his battles. Battles I never could have won, so instead of fighting, I learned to retreat.

I learned to retreat deep into my head. There is a special place where I go to not feel, and I go so far back. My eyes feel like they look at nothing. I have perfect vision, but I don't see anything. I literally cannot tell you how I am feeling in any given moment. Right now, I feel nothing. I am so disconnected with my emotions that I don't realize how much things affect me until well after the fact. My emotions are latent and powerful, but completely unknown to me.

So, now that we have gotten the background out of the way, here is a story - one of many - I told my sister that night. She laughed so hard when I told her this story, which is honestly the most common response to what I am about to type. She told her husband, who said I should sell the story to a comedian (despite the lack of any actual humor in the story). I have never formally written out this story as far as I can remember, but every time I verbalize it to someone, they literally crack up. It is a truly tragic story, but I also believe that it is so shocking to some people that they don't know how to respond. If anybody reads this entire post, please let me know how it comes across in typed format. Here goes nothing.

BUCKALICIOUS: LORD OF THE LAND

At the end of my 8th grade year, my family was evicted from the 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house we were renting. There were 6 people living in the house - 7 if you included my mother, but I don't because she spent most of her time with her boyfriend. Let's call him George.

Of those 7, my mother and I ended up living at George's double wide mobile home on his 2.5 acres of land. It was honestly not to shabby, and one of the teeny tiny parts of living there was being able to be around so many animals.

You see, George had enough land to home some unconventional animals. He had 2 dogs - Saige - a great dane, who became my dog, my soul, and my entire reason to exist. Stone - a doofy by lovable bull mastiff. Cheech and Chong - two goats that lived on a part of the land that was sectioned off by a fence. And last but not least, Buckalicous: lord of the Land (AKA Buck).

Now Buck was a black llama with an incredible underbite that was a "breeder" llama at Busch Gardens. At 10 or 11 years old, he was no longer useful for breeding, but it is not like he was dead yet. Llamas have like a 15 year life span. George knew the guy at Busch Gardens and convinced him to sell Buck to him for $100, saying he had land for the llama to roam on and a barn to house him if the weather was bad (all true).

So Buck came home with George.

Now I remember meeting Buck in December, just a few months before I was forced to move in with George due to the eviction. I met Buck because my mother came home one day with a black eye. She had to explain that, no, it wasn't the new guy she was dating [He would beat her up later, he just didn't hit her in *this* instance]. It just so happened she got hit in the face because she got too close to a LLAMA! WHAT??! Why the fuck was my mom anywhere near a llama? How can I meet this llama that hurt my mom so?

Well, she took me to George's place that winter and introduced me to the llama. His name was Buckalicious: Lord of the Land. Buck for short. He was on the opposite side of a fence, and we had to approach slowly because he was a little skittish. My mother showed me where the Sweetfeed was. She scooped some out using an old Folger's container, and she let Buck approach to eat the food. That llama LOVED his sweet feed. She handed me the container, and I let the llama eat. It was honestly magical. Buck's underbite made him look less intelligent than he was, but he was honestly such a great animal.

Fast forward to the summer, where I am now living with my mother and George on his 2.5 acres of land in his double wide mobile home. My brother was not living with us because he got in trouble in school and had to live with my father in the neighboring city to go to a special correctional school. So it was just me, my mom, George, and the animals (Saige, Stone, Cheech, Chong, and Buck).

Now in the Florida summer's, you can imagine it to be excruciatingly hot, especially to a large llama (probably 350 lbs +) covered in BLACK fur. And it WAS HOT! It was a horribly hot summer. I remember because my mother didn't have a job, and we couldn't afford cable that summer, and George was working odd jobs. I spent a lot of time outside. That is when I became so close to the animals, particularly Saige, because I literally had nothing better to do than to go outside and run around the land by myself. We were in the middle of nowhere a mile down a dirt road. There weren't any children my age to hang out with, I had no television or video games, and my brother no longer lived with me. I was trying to make the best out of a rough situation.

The one and only nice thing I will ever say about George is that one time, and one time only in my opinion, he came up with a good idea and made it work. The land was divided pretty equally, animals and barn on one half, the people and the double wide mobile with a nearby, discounted and disgusting koi pond on the other. And instead of walking out to the llama and goats and bringing them clean water every day, George rigged up a bathtub to always have clean water fill to a certain height, thus allowing the animals to always have something to drink. You know how a toilet tank fills up to a certain level without overflowing? Same concept. Except outside and in a bathtub instead of a toilet.

In the cooler months, it was awesome because nobody had to worry or stress about watering the llama. It was just always taken care of. But when the temperature started to rise, we noticed Buck doing something strange. Buck was STANDING shin-deep inside the bathtub! Not drinking, just standing. We believe it was to help him cool down during the hot summer months. And it was just something that Buck now did regularly.

So in this particular summer, I would mow that lawn weekly. It was a lot of land, but George had a riding mower, and it gave this 14 year old something to do for a bit. But then the lawnmower broke, and we couldn't afford to fix it. And the grass grew. and grew. And it wasn't great.

Eventually, George had the bright idea to open the fence and let the goats out onto the people side. Maybe they would eat the grass? It was worth a shot? IDK. Maybe not after all.

Now the fence was open there was no land separation. The animal side was the people side and the people side was the animal side. By this point in my relationship with Buck, I had spent a lot of time feeding him sweet feed from the coffee container. It was a daily ritual for us. And Buck warmed up to me slowly. He would, as long as the fence was still between us, eat the sweet feed out of my palm. I was terrified at first trying this because I knew he had the potential to freak out and give me a black eye like he did my mother, or possibly worse. But he never did.

When George opened the fence in the hopes that the goats and llama would eat the too-tall grass, it changed the relationship dynamic. Now during the day, I would get as close to the llama as I could without him freaking out. The goats never scared me because they were always chill, and I could grab them by their horns and control them if I needed to. I could not get too close to Buck, though, because Buck just wouldn't let me. It got to the point where I would grab a handful of sweet feed to lure Buck my way, and eventually, he would walk right up to me and eat the food directly out of my hand! How freaking exciting. He used his powerful underbite as a shovel to scoop the food from my hand into his mouth. It was cute.

But it wouldn't last long. I was able to get close to Buck only a few times. He wouldn't always be calm and cool, and sometimes he would sprint away. When he started running, Saige, the great dane, sprung into action and chased after the llama. She did not do so because she wanted to chase the llama, but Saige saw the llama's erratic movements as a danger to me. Saige loved me so much that she would chase a llama that was 3 times her size to protect *ME*. I fucking loved Saige.

One day, George found an odd job to do and left to go do it. My mother and I were hungry in the afternoon, but we didn't have anything in the house to eat. So we left the house and bought like $3 worth of Totinos pizza at the nearby Walmart. We came home, heated the pizzas in the oven, and then we just enjoyed the pizzas. The last time I will ever "enjoy" a totinos pizza.

As we are eating, George bursts into the house screaming:

DID ANYONE NOTICE THE DEAD FUCKING LLAMA OUTSIDE???!!!

huh? wut?

Dead? Llama? What is he talking about? We were literally just outside not 15 minutes before bringing in our pizza haul. And no. Both my mother and I, in fact, did not notice the dead fucking llama outside.

Well, because we opened up the fence and let the goats and llama onto our side, they were farther away from their tub-water than they normally were. But Buck noticed nasty, koi-less koi pond in front of the house. And to an animal that is used to standing shin high in a tub of water to keep cool, this looked like a fun little option.

However, it was not fun. Buck slipped on the algae that lined the koi-pond and hit his head. Buck was just trying to keep cool, and he ended up drowning in the koi pond.

FUCK!

He was dead, and there was nothing we could do to bring him back. But we also could not just leave him there in the koi pond! Something had to be done, and the dogs ensured that it must be done immediately. Before we could even compose ourselves to come up with an action plan to deal with the llama carcas, Stone, our doofy bull mastiff has already started eating the llama's face.

We had to pull Stone away from the llama, and tie him and Saige up to a tree to prevent them from gormandizing on this llama feast. If it wasn't already a heartbreaking situation, seeing those dogs tied up and trying to get to the llama made it worse.

There was no plan. There was only chaos. We had to do something, and we had to do it RIGHT NOW. George grabbed some rope and tied it around Buck's body, then he tied the rope to the back of his truck. George turned on the truck and tried dragging Buck's body out of the foul water. It was not a smooth or easy process. The only thing I can think of that is heavier than a llama... is a soaking wet, dead llama.

Eventually, George was able to drag Buck's body out of the koi pond, and he drove the truck across his land. He drove it deep into the 2.5 acres he owned, and he dragged the body to a nice woody spot.

Now we both have to start digging the llama grave. That was the day I learned how hard it is to dig a grave. Not emotionally, though that did take its toll, but just how physically hard it was to shovel the dirt out, even with two able bodied men splitting the work. The sun was setting, and light was fading fast. So we had to be quick.

George was finally satisfied with the size of the grave, and we had to shove the llama into the hole. One, Two, PUSH! One, Two, PUSH. The llama fell into the grave, and we covered it back up with dirt.

I grabbed two sticks and used some of the rope that we dragged the llama body with to make a Cross, and I used that cross as the marker for Buck's grave.

It has been almost 18 years since we lost Buck to this tragedy. George eventually lost his land due to not paying for it, so I currently don't know who lives there. Or if they will ever find Buck's grave.

It was one of those things you just cannot be prepared for. In hindsight, there are so many things that I would have done differently. Clean out the koi-pond. Mow the law by hand. Or just not let the animals on the other side of the fence.

Buck was an awesome animal who deserved better, and I will never again look at a Totino's pizza without thinking of a dead llama.

[the-karasu-no-one-knows]

Tired.

Sometimes, you have those nights, or even days, where the expenditure of energy is so great that you physically and mentally feel as if you died and are coming back to life with a brain and body that feels like it's been hit by an asteroid. Fuck the Mack truck because that would be easier to contend with. This...is an asteroid.

Ugh.

I took off of work today. I just couldn't after last night. I'm just focused on laundry and listening to my usual YouTube channels streaming and causing me to laugh here and there. Camelot331 pleases my need for humor as well as the need for relaxation for the alters. He's a sweet 32 year old guy from Alabama. Reminds me of my guy friends back in Boarding School. Guys just seem to take things less seriously and they've always valued and enjoyed my lax disposition on nearly everything. I do miss the NN's from my teens.

My best friend Wendy always told me that I hung out with some of the most gorgeous guys on the Island. Heh. I guess I didn't really pay attention to most of that...but wait...I think I kinda did but it wasn't the highlight of my friendships with them. I've been thinking a lot about Jason, Jonas and Jeremy. I can't seem to find anything on Jonas. I didn't catch his last name, then again, he broke the rules of ethics as my counselor at Four Winds by kissing me.

I wonder how he's doing? I treated him so poorly but I was also struggling with the whole Matt situation. He knew that I was assaulted and in hiding. Jonas was patient. Matt was Chinese. Jonas was Filipino. Matt was a gang leader in Chinatown and Jonas was a wonderful man who only wanted to help me as my counselor. All my records have been destroyed. I don't exist. Jonas does only IF I could tell him that I'm alive, covered in scars but alive.

I've looked up Jeremy on Facebook. There are many with his first and last name but I don't know if he's still in Upstate New York or not. I was 17...he was 13...so a lot changes visually. I'm sure I can recognize facial features but location....I'm not necessarily a human GPS. To think he attacked Jason outside the dining hall. I was already a part of Jason's life. Sneaking notes and phone calls at the dining hall and back on our units.

I did feel awful when Jeremy attacked him. Jason seemed pretty shocked to see a 13 year old attacking him; be it he had just turrned 18 himself. I do feel awful about several people (young men) in my life. Christ. What about Jordan? Fucking Hell. My interests attracted all young men and all minors...WITH the exception of a couple who were deflowered by me. Those were NOT minors.

There are things that I would never share on a blog or within the branches that are the Internet. I have a few who do know. One is still out there. He knows so much yet I have no idea where he is with a last name I never bothered to ask of within our 3 year relationship. My 'Ikki'. My 'Sky King'.

Andrew? Am I ever going to see you or hear you again? I just want to know if you're alive. I just want to know if you're safe. I just want to know if you still....oh fuck this! Do you know that every time you enter my thoughts I think of how so many would of seen our relationship as extremely inappropriate and wrong. I think you were the main reason why I started to write a continuation of 'Leon The Professional', using myself as Matilda. You know how a future in that character was not far from who I was. One of the characters I needed to be to fulfill the needs of people who didn't care, as long as the job got done.

You were that young man. You were him! I wanted to rescue you, but at the sake of your own safety and mine? Where would we of gone? Where could I hide you? You would of had to of be hidden by me because you couldn't parade around with me in the public eye. It couldn't of worked that way, as much as you wanted it to. Even as my 'Sky King', I had to be responsible as your 'Fang King'. There was no way it could of worked.

Maybe you knew it could of but I was so fucking fucked up that I didn't think I could hide you from the world. We wanted so much as well as wanting one another so much.

Why does this hurt? You're the only one that hurts but not in a way that was caused by you. Are you upset that I didn't pick you up from Durango? I'm sorry. I'm so extremely sorry Ikki. Maybe it hurts because there has never been closure. I know part of the pain comes from loving you. Loving the idea of us....long ago. All those nights we spent talking and laughing. The pain Alisha caused you yet I always brought you joy and spoiled you.

I don't think I've ever seen the image above Ikki. I can hear you in the back of my mind giggling because you know that I was never keen on affection and I would scowl just like Agito. You, of course, would smile just like that...kissing me affectionately. I know that I was grumpy and miserable at times. You also knew that I broke away from that world and I just had to figure out that I could live a life FREE of dictation. I never really didn't think too much about that world when I was spending time with you.

You always had me focus on something pleasant, but sometimes even you struggled. Your parents having you go through hypnosis and that made me so angry!! I wanted to take you away from them for brainwashing you into thinking that you were some troubled youth. I heard you on those tapes and there was nothing I could do to stop them except come to you and take you away to where they would never hurt you again. That's what you wanted...didn't you?

You didn't understand that if I did that, you would never be seen again and only by me. You knew that and you still didn't care what anyone thought. You just wanted me to rescue you. I have mission dreams Ikki. I have them at least once a week. All these fucking missions that I was assigned to do but yours would of made all other missions forgettable.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't cry right now Ikki. I'm so tired. I want to cry but I can't. I'm just too tired sometimes Ikki. Goddammit where are you?!! Why can't I find you? With all the means that I have....why can't I find you!!! Where are you? You can't find me online. I don't really exist online, unless you miraculously come across this blog and you put 2 and 2 together.

I look so much smaller there. The frustration and anger; yet you always appeared smiling and calm. You could calm me down. You knew I was hurting when I was conquering as many men as I could. You knew it was dangerous yet you didn't judge me. You knew I was fucked up and putting my life in danger, yet you didn't judge that I continued that path to overtake and consume without a conscience.

I had no help once that life ended. What was I supposed to do after two decades of being a "weapon"? Who was going to help me? Only until I was whisked away to the mountains for my only safety, you call me out of the blue to come rescue you and I FUCKING FAILED YOU! You would tell me that I never failed you but I have and maybe when I'm dead and gone, I can forgive myself. Until then...it's you and me...in my dreams and maybe....meeting up in the afterlife.

My 'Sky King'.

[prettyboykatsuki]

UM pleek advice i’m turning twenty soon nd i’m scared 🥹💔 ageism eating me alive i feel like i havent lived my teen years because Brown Parents just idk… IDK!!!! im over reacting i think but im crying everyday like my youth was stolen from me cuz abuse and insecurity and pandemic but idk what to do now i feel so lost and seeing ur posts u just seem so smart and excited about life and exploring urself so i come humbly for advice 😞

i know this feeling bc i have the same parents but like i really mean it when i say life doesn't start for a lot of people until they're 25-30+

i was blessed with older siblings and cousins in my life and pretty much all of them say the same thing. my cousins did all the fun teenager things and even so they're all so much happier now then they ever were before.

you're never gonna be 15 again, that's true. but the life you imagined or dreamed of living at 15 isn't the only life you'll ever live and really isn't even that important. you have a romantic idea of it because you never experienced it.

but you have the rest of your life. do you know how long that is? you're only 20. that's nothing. 25 is nothing. 30, 31, 32. you're just starting in comparison to the rest of your life. the only reason you feel that way is because you're suffocated and the idea that being young is everything but it simply isn't. statistically if you only live to be 60, you have 2 entire thirds left to exist.

don't listen to people on the internet who can't fathom being over 17. adulthood is only a curse if you glorify being young. and you're not even an adult. any real adult thinks you're a kid. the only person who thinks your old is a person who's sitting in calculus one who eats lunch at 10am. why are you listening to them anyway?

i don't especially like being young honestly. there's nothing i look forward to more than getting older every year. i want to be 50 with a garden. i want to spend the rest of my life being a good person. i am so comforted by the fact i still have all this time.

you are so lucky to be alive. you must believe that the time you have left is a gift.

being young is only easy for those who come from privilege. but any person with responsibilities knows how suffocatingly lonely it can be trying to care for yourself and make something of your life.

and it's because of that gradual reality that you have to believe life hasn't reached it's potential. that this isn't your limit. if you're incessantly thinking that you've wasted so much time, than how will you grow? if you're constantly chasing at teenage years that you'll never get again, how will you learn to love the fully realized version of yourself?

if you spend your 20's looking back how can you look forward to the rest of your life? is it fair to yourself to ignore all that's made you who you are, just because you missed out on certain experiences?

look at how far you've come. look at how much it's taken you. look at all this life you have left to keep pushing. i know it feels like you're meandering, but the virtue of living is gaining experience. every minute you engage the world is meaningful to your life and this isn't a hope thing but a universal truth. it is the only facet of existence that has been respected since the beginning of civilization. experience that you can only gain now by opening your eyes to whats around you.

life is hard now. you are going to do your best. and maybe your best is ugly. it never feels good enough. it's not as good as what other people do. but it's yours, so solely. and if all you ever do is worry about the life you haven't lived instead of cherishing the life you have, you're going to feel miserable and you don't have to feel that.

you'll never be 15 again not once. you'll never know what that's like and it sucks. i won't tell you to feel fine about what you might've missed because i know and i get it.

but maybe you only want to be 15 because you think it would've changed who you are now. maybe you think the you now isn't good enough.

but you are. and it is. and there's nothing to be afraid of. every day of living despite it's many solitudes is worth it. even the worst of your tomorrows are to be cherished. you are so young. a drop in the massive of sea.

but that means you can go anywhere and do anything. with time, with patience, with struggle, with tears. you have now and tomorrow. between then nothing will change. you will do it a thousand times, and then you will look back and suddenly be so different. this is your finicky existence.

the only way to not be afraid of getting older is believing with your heart that living is meaningful. count your blessings and celebrate your small joys. you have the rest of your life to do that. i think that alone is something worth celebrating.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝑀𝑦 𝐺𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑃𝑡.2 (𝑆𝑒𝑜𝑛𝑔ℎ𝑤𝑎×𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟)

Part One/ Part Three / Part Four

Pairing: Badboy! Park Seonghwa (Ateez)/ Reader (Female)

Genre: Angst, Fluff, College Au.

Summary: Y/N has no idea what to make of the mysterious Park Seonghwa. Does he really like her or is he simply playing with her?

✿❯────「✿」───❮✿❯──「✿」────❮✿

Flipping the light switches off, Y/N typed in the security code into the pin pad before closing the door behind her, the faint beeping from inside letting her know that the alarm was functioning properly. She honestly wondered at times about if anyone would ever think about robbing a coffee shop. Granted it made a lot of money during certain seasons, but unless you actually work in one, you probably wouldn't think so. Yet it was surprising to know it could make as much money as any famous fast food restaurant. Well.....with those sky high prices, it made sense.

She stopped and checked to make sure she had everything in her bag, not wanting to risk having left her keys inside and find out until she reached her apartment. Satisfied by the confirmation, she began her walk home. If it had been fall or winter, she would have seriously considered taking a bus, even though it wasn't that far away. But it was summer and thankfully there was still an hour left before the sun finally set. She truly believed she was lucky to have found a place to live that was close not only to her workplace, but also her school, even if it was a tiny studio apartment. She felt proud to say it was hers.

Feeling something tug on her sneaker, she looked down and realized one of her shoes was untied. She bent down and began tying it up again, carelessly placing her bag right next to her on the street. She was so focused on her task in front of her, she failed to notice the looming figure in front of her.

"You know anybody could just whisk away your bag and run at this moment?"

She snapped her head back up and saw Seonghwa standing in front of her, an amused smile on his face. He bent down and picked up her bag, dusting off the dirt that had gotten on the bottom part of it in the process.

"Tsk. Tsk. And here I thought you were a more.... what's the word? Meticulous person."

Y/N gave him a questioning gaze before standing up, quickly grabbing her bag from him.

"Not even a thank you?" Seonghwa shook his head.

"What are you still doing here? I thought you went home." Y/N said, clearly confused as to why he'd be there still.

Seonghwa raised an eyebrow at her.

"I thought I told you back in the shop that I'd see you later?"

Y/N recalled the moment, it did seem weird to her that he'd say that.

"Well doll, it's later......and I wanted to see you." He explained, a slight smirk tugging on the corners of his lips.

Y/N let out a tiny scoff.

"Why?"

Seonghwa blinked at her response.

"I thought I made myself clear the other day Y/N. I like you."

Y/N blushed slightly at the memory of him confronting her back in school. She was hoping the shadow from the building in front of her casted enough to hide it from him.

"And I said there would be plenty of time to get to know each other.....well I'm free right now and obviously so are you. So why don't we get something to eat? My treat."

He grinned at her, obviously not expecting her to turn down his offer. Any other girl wouldn't say no to Seonghwa. But Y/N wasn't any girl, and she wasn't about to say yes to someone she hardly knew. Especially not when he acted so strange for her liking.

"No thank you."

She quickly responded and took a step to walk away from him, but his hand reached out and stopped her from moving any further.

"Why not?" He asked.

Y/N tried to think of an excuse, any quick excuse to get out of this.

"I'm not hungry." Was the best thing she could think of.

The loud grumbling of her stomach was a dead giveaway of her fat lie. After working 8 hours straight with only a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a muffin on her only break, of course she was borderline starving and needed something in her stomach before it began eating itself. Her hands clutched her stomach, hoping to silence the obnoxious noise, but ultimately just making it more obvious.

Seonghwa looked down at her figure and snorted softly.

"Seriously, I know a really good place here that sells burgers and shakes. Are you really going to say no to free food?"

At this point she could either tell him to fuck off and stomp away home, but ultimately she'd leave even more hungry and would still have to whip up something on the stove that would take approximately half an hour or more. Or she could accept his offer, but it'd mean interacting with him, not that it was necessarily a bad thing, but she honestly didn't know what to make of him. He's been straightforward with her all this time, but how was she to know he was being serious? For all she knew, he could just be playing with her. After all, isn't that what all bad boys are known for?

Guess there was only one way to find out.

✿❯────「✿」───❮✿❯──「✿」────❮✿

Y/N looked around at the 50's themed diner she was in:

Black and white tiled floor that was so clean it almost looked slippery. Cherry red leather seats, either in the form of booths, tables or chairs on the front white counter that stretched at least 40 feet. An array of old records hanged on the wall, whether or not you could actually play them on a record player or if they were just flimsy decorations would forever be a secret. An old juke box was stationed in one of the corners of the counter currently playing The Beatles, its color combination of yellow and blue not quite appealing to the eyes. And of course, a pinball machine was placed near the entrance for kids to waste their quarters on. They even had a light blue 1955 convertible Chevrolet Bel Air for people to go take pictures of or with. At this point it wouldn't have surprised Y/N if waitresses came out of the kitchen in roller skates and started singing songs from Grease or Hairspray.

It became an even more ironic thought when she saw Seonghwa walk back to her with their food. Dressed in a white shirt, distressed jeans, black combat boots and black leather jacket with his hair slicked back, he could almost be a modern day Danny Zuko and for some reason, that thought made her bust a tiny giggle.

"What's so funny?" Seonghwa asked as he sat the tray down in front of her.

"Oh....nothing." She was not about to get caught.

Seonghwa looked at her funny, but ultimately decided not to pry.

"Here you go."

He slipped her food in front of her: a burger the size of her two hands and a 32 ounce chocolate shake with whipped chocolate and a cherry on the top. A well sized platter with regular fries and curly fries made it obvious that they were going to share them. She didn't mind though, the portions were so big she doubted she'd even finish half of it.

She dug into the food, her stomach thanking her for finally putting something in her body. She was so hungry that she didn't care if she was eating like how she usually ate when she was at home, messy and slobbish. She was halfway through her burger, when she caught Seonghwa just staring at her. That's when she started to feel self conscious. She quickly swallowed what was currently in her mouth and grabbed a napkin to wipe the corners of her mouth.

Seonghwa giggled at her.

"Don't worry about it. It's pretty refreshing to see a girl not care about how she looks like when she eats, and to actually eat. You have no idea how many girls I've brought here who only get salads and nothing else."

He cringed slightly at past memories of awful dates that make him wanna kick himself for even thinking they were attractive. He blamed himself though. He tended to only look at pretty faces and end up regretting it when he found out they were all self-centered, shallow, and prissy girls that just made his blood boil.

"Maybe that's why I like you. You're different."

He didn't even realize he said that out loud until she whipped her head up at him. He was stunned that he accidentally let that slip, but he was able to play it off coolly.

"How......how can you..... we've never even..?" Y/N couldn't even completely form her question but Seonghwa knew what she was referring to.

Sighing softly, he began:

"Well I'm going to sound like a total creep now but that's inevitable. It was a few months back, when you had changed majors and had to be transferred to our class..."

Seonghwa ignored the usual reprimand of the professor, telling him he was late again. As if he didn't do it on purpose. He just hated this class. It was undoubtedly one of the most boring subjects one could possibly take. He began to stare off into space, not even bothering to listen to what was being said.

He looked around at the familiar faces he saw in class, the same people from last year. Until a head of (insert hair color) hair caught his eye. She was definitely not there before. Seonghwa tried to think if he had ever seen her around before, but couldn't quite remember.

Unknowingly, he found himself staring at her more and more each time they had class together. He found out she had a habit of tapping her pen against her cheek when she was trying to concentrate, she kept everything in her bag organized and hardly socialized with anybody.

One time he followed her to her locker, just to briefly see what was inside of it. You can always tell a lot about a person based on how they decorate their locker. But Seonghwa only saw a few pictures of what he assumed was her family, few friends and a lot of sticky notes with motivational quotes written on them in various sharpie colors, with either stars or diamonds as decorations.

That just peeked his curiosity even more in trying to decipher who the mysterious girl was, and his curiosity turned to fondness for the girl, so he had no choice but to admit that he was attracted to her and wanted to get close to her.

"Wait. Is that why you were staring at me in class the other day?" Y/N asked after he told her all that.

"Took you long enough to notice too. You were so oblivious to it that it was kinda funny." He chuckled.

Y/N looked back at that moment and realized she still had so many questions left.

"But then why did you look angry after I looked away?"

Seonghwa shifted his position, sitting up straighter so he could look at her.

"Why? Cause you looked at me with such a bitch face and even rolled your eyes at me. I was kinda angry and hurt that you did that given how I feel about you." He explained.

Y/N looked at him confused.

"I did not roll my eyes at you."

"Uh....yeah. You did. You looked at me as if I was a bug or something." He corrected her.

"Well..... I was tired and hungry! I'm not in control of my actions or emotions when I'm in that state." She tried defending herself, feeling somewhat embarrassed that she had no control over her facial expressions.

"Yeah, I've noticed. You weren't all that happy 25 minutes ago when I asked you out on this date." Now it was Seonghwa's turn to roll his eyes at her previous behavior.

"This....this isn't a date!" Y/N exclaimed.

Seonghwa raised an eyebrow and smiled.

"Oh no? Do enlighten me then. What is this?"

Y/N thought about it for a moment.

"We are just 2 individuals, having a meal together and conversing." She stated.

"Why are we conversing though?" Seonghwa continued to pry.

Y/N hummed.

"Because you said you wanted to get to know me better?"

Seonghwa smiled at that.

"Sounds to me like a date then."

Y/N mentally face palmed. She practically walked into that one herself. She sighed as she picked up one of the fries and dipped it into her milkshake before eating it.

"And now I've learnt one more thing about you: we have similar tastes in eating."

Y/N watched as he mirrored her actions and dipped his fries in his strawberry milkshake. Y/N decided to just finish eating as soon as possible so she could go home early. The sun was starting to set and she didn't like walking home in the dark, even if rarely any crime happened in this neighborhood. She was planning on not saying anything else, but then something popped in her mind that made her ask:

"Wait a minute! The day after the.....incident." She began.

"You mean when you were a total bitch?" Seonghwa teased.

"Haha, funny." She threw a fry at him, causing Seonghwa to laugh even harder.

She had to admit though, he had a cute laugh.

"Anyways, the day afterwards, I heard 2 girls talking in the bathroom about you. They said that you were pissed off at me-"

"I kinda was." He interrupted her again.

"Let me finish!" She cried out rather annoyed.

Seonghwa bit his lip as he stifled another laugh. He found it adorable when Y/N got agitated.

"They made it sound like you were going to beat me up. Something about 'giving it to me'" She held up her fingers in quoting signals.

Seonghwa furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, trying to decipher what she meant. Then it hit him.

"Oh! No. Trust me, I wasn't going to beat you up. As for 'giving it to you' "

He mimicked her quotation signs, causing Y/N to glare at him for teasing her again.

"I was referring to the notepad you dropped. Remember? I gave it back to you?"

Now she face palmed literally as she realized she hadn't thought about that. And here she thought she was dead meat for sure.

"Was that why you were avoiding me the rest of the week? You actually believed I was going to fight you?"

Y/N swirled her milkshake with her straw, unable to look at Seonghwa in the eyes anymore.

"Y/N? I'm talking to you. You really believed that?"

The authority in his voice made her look up at him, his expression showing offense and indignation at the thought that she actually believed him capable of such a thing.

"Why would you think that?" He continued his interrogation.

"Well..... I don't know! Ok? Maybe cause I've heard so many rumors about you. You don't exactly have the best of reputations at school. Everyone says how you're...."

Her voice trailed off, afraid to finish her sentence, afraid to offend or hurt him in anyway .

"That I'm a delinquent? A criminal?"

Y/N blinked when he said that, as if he could read her mind.

"I know what people say about me, I'm not blind nor deaf to their gossip." He stated, not at all unfazed by what he often heard.

"So does that mean none of it is true?" She couldn't help but want the answer to her question.

"Well depends. Have I gotten into a lot of fights with other guys? Yes. Do I have a temper at times that gets me in trouble? Yes. Have I fucked a bunch of girls just for fun? Definitely. Do I smoke or drink often? I'm not denying it."

Seonghwa reached into his pocket and took out his lighter, twirling it around in his hand a few times so Y/N could get a glance at it before putting it back in his pants.

"But have I ever vandalized, stolen or done anything remotely illegal? No. Have I beaten someone up for no good reason? No."

Y/N listened to his words very carefully. She was amazed how he was calmly telling her all of this.

"And I most certainly have never even thought about lifting a finger against a woman. Especially not one I'm interested in." He confessed abruptly, causing Y/N to gulp her drink a little fast, nearly making her choke.

"I'm sorry." She apologized.

Seonghwa chuckled softly.

"Don't be. I get why you'd be scared. I just wish you'd get to know the real me......"

He reached his hand out and lightly brushed his finger on the top of her knuckles.

"Kinda like how I want to know you..."

The physical contact sent a weird feeling down her body. It was chilly, yet warm at the same time. She wanted to reach out and lace her fingers in his, and she would have, until a high pitched voice interrupted them.

"Seonghwa! Is that you?!"

They looked over to see a purple haired boy waving his hand in the air, as if his loud voice didn't make his presence already known. A pink haired boy was standing next to him, looking embarrassed as his friend jumped up and down. Having had enough of that, he pulled the boy by his arm and ran over to Seonghwa and Y/N's table.

"Hi! What a coincidence to see you here! Why didn't you tell us you would be here? You could have joined Yeosang and I. He promised to take me out to eat." He pulled whom Y/N assumed to be Yeosang closer to him.

The purple haired boy spoke so loud and fast Y/N had a hard time understand what he was saying.

"Promised? I was threatened." Yeosang replied, causing the other boy to let out a loud laugh, making Y/N think of a hyena.

"Hyung, where are your manners? Aren't you going to introduce us to your girlfriend?"

Seonghwa blushed and cleared his throat. It was the first time Y/N saw him get flustered and it was definitely funny.

"Y/N isn't my girlfriend-"

"Oh really? Great! Cause she's cute."

The boy wasted no time and held his hand out to her.

"My name is Wooyoung, I'm single, Bi, and I have a driver's license." He winked at her.

"For a moped." Yeosang corrected him.

Wooyoung sent a glare towards his friend.

"Y/N, these are my friends: Wooyoung and Yeosang. They go to our school, but you've probably never seen them cause they're a grade below us."

Y/N nodded and waved awkwardly at them.

"Yeosang, Wooyoung, this is Y/N. She's not my girlfriend, but she's off limits. Ok?" Seonghwa made sure to lock eyes with Wooyoung, silently warning him not to step any further into his territory.

"So if she's not your girlfriend, does that mean she's a fuck bud-"

Yeosang stepped on Wooyoung's foot, causing him to bend over in pain. Yeosang however smiled sweetly as if nothing happened.

"Anyways, it was nice seeing you Hyung. We wouldn't want to take up more of your time. Besides, we'll be seeing you tomorrow at Hongjoong's party. Right?"

Seonghwa nodded.

"You know I never pass up an opportunity to party."

"Will you bring Y/N with you?" Wooyoung asked, hoping she'd come.

Seonghwa looked over to Y/N, who tried to think of an answer.

"Uh... no thanks. I wasn't invited so-"

"Who cares? No one needs an invitation these days. It's a frat party anyways, a bunch of strangers end up coming in the end." Wooyoung insisted.

"I'll....think about it." Y/N knew she wouldn't.

"Ok! I'll take it as a yes. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Taking a hold of Yeosang's hand, Wooyoung made his way over to another table, the pink haired boy already looking exhausted at the thought of spending at least 2 more hours with his highly energetic friend.

Y/N smiled softly at them. They were definitely an odd pairing, but they seemed to compliment each other.

"It's getting late. Want me to take you home?" Seonghwa asked her.

"It's fine. I can walk. It's not that far." She refused.

"I insist. I want to make sure you get there safely." He insisted.

Y/N smirked at him.

"Are you really concerned for my safety or do you just wanna find out where I live?"

Seonghwa's mouth dropped at her insinuation.

"I don't..... ok you got me there."

She chuckled at his reaction, but ultimately got up.

"Ok. Fine. Take me home. The worst you can possibly do is murder me and throw my body in a lake."

Seonghwa shook his head and picked up his jacket. He made sure to hold the door open for her when they went out. Y/N didn't even notice he had stopped walking until she heard him whistle behind her. Turning around, she saw him standing next to a black Harley-Davidson motorcycle. She raised her hands and gestured him to explain.

"I told you I was taking you home."

He tapped the seat.

"So come on. Hop on doll."

He began taking out the spare helmet for her to put on. She walked back to him and placed her hands on her hips.

"You kept it parked here the entire time?" She asked him.

"Uh huh." He responded.

Her face was full of shock.

"Did you know that I would say yes to coming here with you?"

"Well not exactly 'knew'.......more like....hoped."

He winked at her before placing the helmet above her head, making sure to strap it tightly.

"Safety first."

After putting on his own helmet, he got on the motorcycle and waited for her to get on. She awkwardly threw her leg over the seat and hesitated to wrap her arms around him. Seonghwa huffed and simply grabbed her wrists to put them on his stomach.

As soon as he started revving up the motorcycle, Y/N tightened her grip around him. Even through his shirt, she could feel rock solid abs underneath it. It made her wonder what he looked like without a shirt. The thought temporarily distracted her from the worry of actually riding in a motorcycle for the first time.

Sensing her fear, Seonghwa grabbed one of her hands and gave it a light squeeze.

"Don't worry doll. I'll keep you safe."

✿❯────「✿」───❮✿❯──「✿」────❮✿

*part 3 coming soon*

[reikiangeltherapymedium]

"Queen of the Moon Oracle", Four Elements Spread reading for July 4th 2021.

Good Evening friends, and Happy 4th of July for those of you in the United States. Tonight I'll be doing a reading from the Queen of the Moon oracle deck by Stacey Demarco. This is a very symbolic deck associated with the mysteries of the Moon and the different seasons of the year and how the relate to one another during different phases and cycles. I will be doing what Stacey Demarco calls a "Four Seasons Spread."

1st card: Earth; what is the true issue? #29 "Hunger", which is represented by the Wolf-Moon.

Feed the good and hope within you. There will always be a lean part of the cycle. Prosperity will come. Do not let your hunger blindly dictate your actions entirely.

Affirmation: "I recognize all that I hunger for."

As an old wise Cherokee (of the First Nations of the U.S.) is speaking to his grandson about life. The young boy asks his grandfather: 'It is said, Grandfather, that everyone has two wolves within them. The first wolf gives darkness, despair, and hate and jealousy and sorrow. The second wolf gives light and hope and helpfulness and kindness. Yet, Grandfather, I feel them fighting within me. What can I do? 'My small son, these two wolves will always fight and they will fight within each person. You are no different', said the Grandfather. 'But', said the boy, 'Grandfather, which wolf will win?' And the Grandfather answers: 'whichever wolf you feed.'

We must be careful about what we nourish and feed within us. If we give abundance to the aspects of the self that can harm others and ourselves then we cannot truly thrive. Having no limitations upon these behaviors and patterns, hurts us and starves the higher and finer parts of our selves that will bring us more happiness. To ripple that happiness to others is part of why we are on the planet as humans. We must also recognize that in life, just because it is a cycle, there will always be leaner, less abundant, or less bright times. Yet we have built our resilience and self-trust for times like this, and we know we are both loved and protected. The cycle will soon turn to less shadow and more bounty. Companion stone/metal: Amazonite.

2nd card: Air; how can I solve it via intellect/communication? #32, "Trust", which is represented by the Egg Moon.

Trust yourself. Develop self-trust and joy will follow. You can rely on your own capabilities. Begin to plan carefully for the future.

Affirmation: "It is the beginning and I trust myself in all things."

Apart from the trust we might develop spiritually with our higher power, self-trust is the basis of all other trust. Self-trust is a surety that we can rely upon ourselves. That our decisions are valid. That we ourselves matter. That knowing ourselves combined with trusting ourselves leads to better, more-informed decisions about all aspects of our life, including career and relationships. Self-trust is far more than a flashy show of confidence; it is deeper and farther reaching than that. It is security at the very core, that no matter what, our wisdom matters and is best. It allows for flow and for faith in oneself and the way you do things moving and choosing in the world.

Self-trust is a full acceptance of self. As accepting one's self becomes easier, thus self-trust will begin to shine. This gives great momentum to anything we choose to tackle or do. Our ancestors saw spring, the great thawing, as a new beginning. They would walk the marshes and plains and find newly laid eggs. More than just a symbol of fertility and new hope, the egg meant that the worst of the cold was over and that new life really was here. The Egg Moon was a time of celebration and rejoicing. Companion stone/metal: Iron.

3rd card: Fire; what emotions can I bring to or release from this? #13, "Will", which is represented by the Waxing Gibbous Moon.

Decisions require action. You are in control of your own decisions and life, no one else's. Passion and will determine a great proportion of your success. You will persist. You posses free will, which means you should focus on yourself first and avoid placing your will over another's.

Affirmation: "I have the will to make the changes I need."

'Will' feels like a very old-fashioned concept. In a modern world where it seems like everything is geared up to be as easy as possible or there is always someone else to blame, the idea of placing our personal will persistently into something seems quaint. When we decide we are going to change something in our lives, let's say a particularly negative pattern or bad habit, breaking the old way we do things can be difficult. The change requires a concentration of our will. We may want the change, but it is our will that insists we stay on the path to that change. To be willful means we have the power of control over our own actions, and that will fires up the persistence we need to get what we want.

Contrary to popular belief, for example in witchcraft traditions practitioners do not interfere with another's free will. This means we do not cast spells upon people to influence their behavior. How do we get what we want instead? We cast on ourselves in line with our will, focusing carefully on what we would like in our lives instead? For example, instead of casting a spell on a ex-boyfriend who doesn't want us by influencing his will to love us again, we more ethically cast upon ourselves for our ideal partner. This way, we don't interfere with his free will, and if the ex is our ideal partner, he will return to us freely. If not, we have attracted someone new and better for us. Either way, win-win!

To use our will productively, we should assess what we really want and make sure this is what we want to reach for. Companion stone/metal: Hematite.

4th card: Water; how do I move/flow on from this issue? #41 "Sovereignty", which is represented by the Queen of the Moon.

You have sovereignty over your own life. Act with grace and confidence. You have the ability to unite disparate people and views should you choose to do so. The buck stops with you. You are powerful; act like it!

Affirmation: "I reign over my own realm."

Goddesses of the moon are one of the oldest kinds of Feminine Divine and feature in mythologies from almost every corner of the globe. From Diana of ancient Rome and the Greek Artemis to the Semitic Astarte and Hina from Polynesia, the link with the Feminine Divine and the lunar planet and cycles is a strong one. These goddesses in all their myriad of forms were extremely powerful, and demonstrated to women that they, naturally, had power as well.

We should strive to be the powerful queens/kings of our own domain. Women especially have been socialized to defer, to keep small, to be quiet and to hold a very twisted kind of service that borders on servitude. While in many first-world countries women can choose to be what they wish to be on paper, women still experience inequality in most countries in areas such as wage disparity and an imbalance of the numbers of women in government or in high-level board positions. However, what has been accepted in the past is not what will be accepted in the future: a new queendom is coming!

When we reign over our own lives, it is us that take on the responsibility for our own change and decisions. The Moon Queen knows that we, just under the divine, are our own rulers, and as such the buck stops here. Therefore, it is worth us investing in growing our own self-awareness, our own self-trust, self-care and self-esteem in real and practical ways. We must, as any Queen would, set firm boundaries to protect our queendom and those who are under our protection. This does not mean we become cruel rulers; we should always aim for benevolence, fairness, and a great love for all (as well as ourselves). It does mean we may have to push against those who do not respect our line in the sand. Companion stone/metal: Platinum.

Thanks for stopping by for another reading everyone hope you have a lovely rest of your night! Namaste.

[the--sad--hatter]

It's ok if you don't want to answer this but I was wondering what you take meds for? I know you have said you have mental health problems and that you take antipsychotics but I wanted to ask why. Im not trying to be rude or nosey, it's just that I look up to you quite a lot and i have problems as well. Finding out you had to take tablets made me feel a bit better about taking my own. I always felt kind of ashamed about having to take antideppresants but not so much now I know you take stuff too.

I don’t mind answering this at all, especially if someone can relate to it. This is probably going to be a hell of a wordy response though, and may be triggering for some people to read, so proceed with caution guys. 

The story of my mental health is a really long one, and goes back quite far. It goes back to when I was a fetus actually. 

My mother was a drug addict, who used while she was pregnant with me (my dad was unaware of this), and as a result I was born with minor ‘defects’. My lungs didn’t form properly, and a part of my stomach tubing is malformed (We’ll come back to that). During labour, I tore the womb on my way out and nearly killed my mother. 

The trauma of that, as well as her own mental health and addiction issues made it hard for her to bond with me. It’s worth noting that my mum was 19 when I was born, but my dad was 32. They were married about a month before my birth and split up three days later. 

They shared custody for the first year of my life until something went down, but I’m not sure what, and my father took full custody. 

He was a good dad in his defence. He loved me, and did anything he could to keep me safe and happy. But when I was 18 months old, he met another woman and eventually married her. 

My stepmother didn’t want me as a part of her family, but put on a good show for my dad and the rest of the world. Behind closed doors though, she physically and mentally tortured me. The stuff she did to me was vile and it left me quite damaged. 

Because of the stomach deformity, I am prone to vomiting. I was also starved on a regular basis by my stepmother, which left me quite malnourished. I was deathly afraid of her, so when I was sick I didn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of being punished for it. Eventually, I was found out, and my stepmother managed to convince people the vomiting was why I was so skinny. I don’t have a fucking clue how it was never mentioned that I have a hiatus hernia and that’s why I was sick, it was in my medical notes, and I found out when I was 13. 

This kind of stuff continued throughout my childhood. My stepsister had a son when I was 9, and she didn’t really want him, so I had to take care of him. My grandfather died and my granny was very ill, so our living room was turned into a bedroom for her. I nursed her, raised a baby (who called me mum the first time he ever spoke) and all the while I was beaten, starved and tortured. I couldn’t handle it and tried to kill myself when I was 11. 

Because of the suicide attempt, I was put into a childrens home. The abuse could never be proved because the only witness was my stepsister, and she had often joined in so she wasn’t inclined to back me up. My dad decided that he wanted to take his wifes side, and not mine. 

Being in care was not an easy thing, and there was other kinds of abuse to be suffered. Eventually, I snapped. I became incredibly violent, to the point where I can’t excuse the things I did. I would snap, and the people I hurt weren’t always the people trying to hurt me. I hurt innocent people. 

As is the norm, at 16 I was tossed out. I lived in hostels for a while until I managed to get an apartment/flat, but it was in a small town quite a way from the city. I was unable to get help for my mental health, and I declined rapidly. 

That was when i started blacking out. Sometimes it would only be for a few minutes, sometimes it would be for longer. The longest was three days, three days I lost. I once came back to myself while holding a knife to my own chest. I often woke up covered in blood, wounded or miles away from my home. 

That was when I got put in a psychiatric ward where I ended up for a year. 

After being released, I moved 600 miles away to be close to my boyfriend, because he loved me. It was an idiotic thing to do of course, and I quickly learned that once I was there. 

Then my dad had a breakdown, and in the process reached out to me. He ended up on the same ward I had been on and it made him realise the depth of his mistakes. He admitted he knew what had happened to me as a child and he felt guilty. I forgave him, because I’ve fucked up enough in my life to not hold it against someone who truly wants forgiveness. 

My dad got better and moved away from my childhood home, and got a divorce. When he found out I was in an abusive relationship, he drove to England and got me and brought me to live with him. 

I live alone now, and it’s been years since all this happened. But the damage is done, and the wounds aren’t bleeding anymore but they are scarred. There’s much more to it, so much more. There’s the years of self-harming, the singular traumatic events, the betrayals, but I’ve told you the bare bones of my story. 

I could tell you all my diagnoses, list all the damn acronyms, but it wouldn’t explain anything. I struggle to say present in the world, and not disassociate. I have severe anxiety, depression, sleeping problems, paranoia... It’s not exactly shocking.  

What I can tell you is this. I saw my first psychiatrist when I was five years old. I have been seeing them since. I have been to every kind of therapy, taken so many different drugs. It doesn’t always help. But I knew a girl, call her Emily. She was a couple of years older than me, and so much worse. The stuff she had been through made my childhood look idyllic. I had to take her to hospital more than once, I had to talk her off the ledge, pin her to the ground to stop her hurting herself when “they” were trying to get her. 

Emily has a husband and a daughter now. She posted photos on Facebook a couple of weeks ago of her trip to London Comic-Con, her little girl dressed up as Belle. Emily got better. Emily fought for it, she made it, she won and she keeps winning. 

This battle I’ve been fighting my whole life, it IS winnable. 

Take your meds anon, and don’t be ashamed of it. We all have our demons, and they aren’t comparable. We all have our struggles, we all have our own battles. Don’t waste time or energy feeling bad for needing to take a pill to help you fight your fight. If you have a vitamin deficiency, you take vitamins, and if your brain doesn’t produce quite enough serotonin, you take an antidepressant. 

Strength, true strength, is in admitting you need help, be if from a therapist, a pill or a friend. There’s not a single person in the history of humanity who didn’t struggle with something at some point. We are not infallible, we are not unbreakable. Our beauty comes from the way we piece ourselves back together. I’m still working on that part, and I can’t wait to see what I’ll be when I’m finished. The excitement for what i can one day be is far more important than any shame I might feel from needing to take some medication to help me get there. 

Like I said, we all have our battles, and in a battle, you need a weapon. Think of the medication like a blade, stabbing at the demons in your head, and by taking the pills, you’re picking up the sword. 

Don’t be ashamed. Be brave, be beautiful and fight. You’ve got this, and I can’t wait to see what you become one day. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[twistedatheist85]

I bring this to the forefront, as one of my very best of friends snarked a comment about the way I dress, the way I have my hair, my tattoos, etc...

She put responsibility of my drastic change on the quarantine, and that was FAR from the reason I decided to outwardly reform. It kind of pissed me off, as it was snarky enough to be warranted as a jab; possibly a jealousy jab, or an "I'm not used to this behavior in you." kind of jab.

Of course, she wouldn't be used to it...she didn't know me 32 years ago; she's always known me to be complacent, compliant, semi-reserved, plain-old-me. I think it still stems from me leaving Florida; anything she says to me 3 years later, tends to carry a bit of anger encased in something she probably means to be of cordial conversation.

At any rate, I bring this to discussion, because I've ALWAYS been more comfortable in clothes that were primarily made for boys/men. 30 years ago, my hair was either long and dyed, or short/spiked and dyed... even at a very young age, getting me into a dress was nothing short of pulling teeth. So to defuse this situation, between her and I, I simply mentioned that this change was minute and relatively mild, compared to what my actual young years were like. I get it; she has no clue that I could've ever appeared punk (or emo...whatever she presumed the appearance to be. I called it punk, and that's what I've always identified it as).

I went into my reasoning for reversion; simply because it was a weird, but good, time in my life (as much recklessness as I engaged in, I was happy...high as fuck, drunk, wired on coke, and zoned on pills half the time...but happy; I wasn't being beaten, or being targeted for homicide.) I know that I didn't need to explain shit to her...it's always been my right to let things stand, because I owe NO ONE an explanation for anything I do/don't do, but I wanted her to know that regardless of her disdain for our separation, I didn't give one flying fuck about her assessment, let alone anyone else's....that I had my reasons, aside my happier youth. And that other reason was to fence up that gender judgement bullshit, that's still extremely strong in this industry.

I hate that female truck drivers are still held hostage under a microscope...I feel I've alleviated a lot of that judgement, by dressing the way I do. With my face mask on, and my hands in my pockets, others can't discern my gender, and yes....don't think a shit eatin' grin doesn't cross my face, when someone calls me "sir"/"dude"/"boss"... because, unless I speak, they're absolutely clueless. I've obtained the result that I was seeking...all while sporting the black nail color, black hair color, black eyeliner(or if they're presuming I'm a man..."guy-liner"), and men's clothing. If I could get my voice any lower, I'd really blow someone's cork.

So, I suppose there's a method to my madness; a motive behind my reversion. It's a reasoning that most won't understand, and that's okay. At the end of the day, they don't pay my bills, they don't put food on the table for my kid, and they don't put a roof over either of our heads (although, my roof presently is a semi tractor that pulls a 53' trailer).

I'm happy that she was ballsy enough to present her snark, but I was also happy to pleasantly show her where it was seriously misplaced, and that she may not like change, if not down right fear it, but that's the gist of this universe...change is always constant.

[flannelshirtandjeans]

Oc interview meme

I was tagged by @radbeetle (thank you!!) and took this as an opportunity to talk through ghoul Norma in the future, interviewed by some future reporter for some paper or newsletter that's happening then. I'm stuck on mobile so super apologies for long and no cut! D:

I tag: (if you wanna do it) @johnandrasjaqobis @ceilingcow @keycchan

"We are sitting down today with one of the most pivotal figures of our Commonwealth's recent history, the mysterious but beloved by many, Norma Hawke, on the little porch of her home on Spectacle Island. She is serving a drink she claims to have coined, tarberry and mutfruit and just enough alcohol to have a punch."

How old are you?

Norma looks almost startled at the question. "You know," she tells me, "I have lost count. I was 32 when I came to... this Commonwealth, and had been frozen for more than 200 years. That was in... what year is it? Oh, and I turned into a ghoul before 40. That was decades and decades ago."

What do you look like? (For any readers who haven't seen you, or pictures.)

She laughs. "OLD, the way that us ghouls do. But I like to think I still got it!" She laughs again, and continues: "I'm a ghoul, unlike some stories say, and I don't have fins and gills like a fish. I'm just an old, short, round ghoul with some of my old hair left, still brown. Lipstick on every day, eyebrows drawn. I like it, it's routine."

Where are you from?

"The past. I'm a time traveler from a Vault - no, I'm originally from a different state (IDA HAS FORGOTTEN WHICH ONE), where I lived with my parents until I moved to Boston - here - to study law. Used to live in an apartment downtown, and then up in Sanctuary Hills with my husband and baby. Our old house is still there, I think. I... haven't been in a while."

Where do you live now?

She perks up, and a moment of quiet old sadness has passed without me realizing it was there initially. "Here on this island - I moved here when my wife here died and I started working more with the Minutemen to help build a government and a better Boston." She gets up and walks me around - shows me the single room cottage with its rag rugs and quilts, the garden swing, her little garden, and the fields, and her pride and joy, the apple tree. "I always wanted to be more of a country girl when I was younger" Norma says and pats the tree trunk. "I was such a city girl in truth, even when I thought I was getting there with my husband before the war, but I think I've gotten my wish now!"

What was your childhood like?

She snorts. "Rich in money but not in anything else. My parents... had me more because it was the thing to do and some kind of a status symbol, and not because they really wanted a child and to be a good caring family. Work came first. I grew up with a long list of tutors, and little love. Thankfully it mostly only made me want to be better than them."

What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions?

"I have worked a lot with the New Government of the Commonwealth, and the Minutemen that started building towards it. Not as much as I did, because I'm old and tired, and it's time to let them fly on their own instead of mother henning left and right there." She laughs. "I am still the highest lawmaster I suppose, but the law is working as well as it can without me too. Back in my day, when factions were more... at war with each other, I did work with the Minutemen and the Railroad, who joined forces to destroy the Institute."

Tell me about your best friend.

"There aren't a lot of people left who've been here as long as I have," Norma says, and that same quiet sadness creeps to her as before, but her smile remains. "Many have moved on, or died. But I am thankful for those who are still here. Sturges, who keeps the Castle running, and me too. He's like sunshine. We've seen each other less often of late, but try to meet at least every year on an important anniversary. To remember."

Do you have a family? Tell me about them!

She shakes her head. "No. I did, but they're gone. Husband, child, and wife. The child by my own hand." This child, as we know from history, was the Institute's leader, "Father". "His name was Shaun," Norma says. "I always found that whole title creepy."

What about a partner or partners?

"Gone as well - I don't have anyone now, and my heart is probably too frail to fall in love again, truthfully. Jay was my first husband, a big red-headed shepherd from Maine, the sweetest man I ever met. And then there was Ellie (editor's note: Ellie Perkins, author of such crime thrillers as "The Ghost of Goodneighbor") after the war, the wittiest most amazing woman-- and I buried them both. I've had... flings. Friends with benefits. But I don't think I can bury more partners." Who these friends with benefits are, she won't say.

Who are your enemies, and why?

"There are people who don't like the new government, and understandably blame me for it, me being the only one left was such s big part of establishing it. I don't think I have any real enemies though. Any that I had would be... also mostly dead."

Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them?

"I steered mostly clear of them when I first came here. I have never been a big fan of such... military structures, and even less after seeing how much my husband hated his time with the army at the time. After joining forces with the Railroad, and knowing the Brotherhood's dislike of synths, the safest course was to avoid them, and try to keep them away. There were other tensions as well, with them and the Minutemen too. The Brotherhood's blimp was blown from the sky with their leaders at time shortly after the Institute explosion, and there's a lot of stories going around saying that was me too, but I didn't have anything to do with it, I was in too much shock from the Intitute alone to even think of something like that. But their leadership changed after that and now what's remained of the Brotherhood here needs to co-operate with the New Government, and has. I still don't like them much, but they're not causing too many problems, and have been... forced to readjust their thinking a little."

When asked about who she thinks was responsible for the blimp explosion, she only says "I have a pretty good idea", and refuses to elaborate.

What about The Enclave?

"I have heard of them, but don't know much about them, truth be told."

How do you feel about Super Mutants?

She shrugs. "Depends on the person, same as anyone else! I used to be afraid of them when all I'd seen was the groups that'd go around raiding and eating people, running around with mininukes - and feel sorry for them after learning about the FEV. But so much has happened since, and a lot of humans I saw at the time weren't really any different. Just smaller. Things are better now, at least some."

What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in?

Norma laughs. "Oh! I've been in so many fights! Hmm." She stops to think, looking across the water to where the blue Minuteman flag flies above the Castle. She laughs again and says: "never thought as a girl that I'd end up with so many war stories. But here's one: once in one of the old hospitals, there was a band of raiders that had trapped a deathclaw on the bottom floor and used it to stage cage fights. I'd... cleared the raiders - they had... taken over a Railroad base and killed the agents there, and I wasn't looking to avenge them as much as see qhat had happened, and had no intent to deal with the deathclaw... But my dog slipped into the pit, thankfully without alerting the deathclaw immediately, so off course I had to go after him. Ended up on top of some cages down there, knocked off BETWEEN them where the deathclaw couldn't reach me and wandered off deeped into the bottom floor... I was pretty sure I would die right there but me and my companion managed to JUST kill it before it got to any of us."

(I guess that answers the next question:) Have you ever fought a Deathclaw?

"I have! More if them than I care to count, truth be told - I've had to travel through the Glowing Sea more than once, and once fought a park full of mutation of them that had some alligator in them! I think... a deathclaw was one of the first things I fought after I woke up here, outside of bugs. Just in Concord, right outside Sanctuary Hills."

Do you like fighting?

"I don't. I may gladly tell stories of victories past because they make good stories and because some of those need to be remembered, and learned from so they don't happen again - but I don't want to sound like I enjoyed it, or wouldn't rather have solved the situation without a fight."

What’s your weapon of choice?

She grimaces. "Pistols. Sniper rifles. I'm not strong or dexterous beyond being able to sneak well, so I need the advantage of the distance. I used to hate the sniper rifles because I felt like I wasn't giving whoever I was aiming at a fair fighting chance, it felt... so impersonal. I don't know, I alway hate killing people anyway, it just came with some additional guilt."

How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?)

Norma shakes her head. "Not brute strength for sure. I'm a lawyer still, even under all the things I've become since, and my first and foremost resort is always wits and charm, I think. It doesn't always work, obviously but I think... it has worked best for me so far."

Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them?

Norma shifts uncomfortably, and dips inside for a minute, coming back with an old frayed and battleworn vault suit with golden number 111 on the back. "That's why I'm here," she says, and for the first time sounds almost dark. "The vault 111 was supposed to be my new home when the bombs fell, but they froze us instead, and I've learned of many other horrifying experiments happening in other vaults as well. It's VILE. I still can't go into a vault without seeing my husband being shot in the head, and my baby being stolen. I hate it. I don't go into them anymore if I can help it. I'm glad that communities can flourish in them now, I know Sanctuary has built their winter home in 111, but there's too much trauma in them for me."

How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?

Norma gestures at herself. "Obviously, I think -- turning into a ghoul was... awful, and painful, and disgusting, but I'm lucky to have had wonderful loving people around me at the time. I don't think I would be as happy in myself as I am now if it hadn't been for them. But even before I became a ghoul, radiation... did strange things to me, or I think it was the radiation? I didn't get skin reactions from swimming like everyone else, and eventually I started growing skin between my fingers, like webs?" She shows me her hands and spreads the toes on her bare feet to show me, and indeed she has some webbing there. "They took some damage from the ghoulification And then I found that I could breathe underwater. Some kind of a mutation, I think. The rads may have done their damage invisibly all that time though, all the swimming, the ghoulification came on so suddenly and without an apparent event that triggered it."

What’s your favorite wasteland critter?

"I am always a fan of cats - does that count? I am so relieved that they are still around. I got my first cat here from Ellie when I'd just turned into a ghoul, and I haven't been without since. If it DOESN'T count, I really like radstags, they're beautiful in their own way."

What's your least favorite wasteland critter?

"Bloodbugs. Bugs in general."

How do you feel about robots?

"Depends on the robot again! Some of them are really stuck in their old programming and are hard to interact with because of that, but others are great! Codsworth - bless his metal heart - tended to my roses for centuries while I was gone! He's like family to me."

How many caps do you have on you right now?

"I couldn't say, truth be told. I have some savings, but not as much as some people say I do. I get a comfortable living, but I would without caps, too. The Castle likes to send stuff over, they keep good care of their grandma ghoul."

Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla?

Norma shrugs. "Usually don't drink them! Nuka Cola is noce for marinades."

Do you do chems?

"As a habit, no. Sometimes for aches, and sometimes if I need a stim. But I've never really been much to use them beyond just that."

Do you ever think about the Pre-War world?

Norma nods, and is quiet for a moment. "I don't... think that a day goes by without me thinking of that time. There's just... sovmany convenience items that I end up missing, or animals, or people. I don't tend to dwell, not anymore, it's past and won't change what is now, and I'll only hurt if I think about it too much. These days it's easier though, mostly nostalgia. I have found a good life here."

What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently?

"I--" Norma falters and for the first time she looks truly fragile. "I wish... I regret that I couldn't be a mother to my son. That was entirely out of my hands, but I do regret it." She wipes away a tear and tries a laugh. "There are so many things I wish I'd done differently with him here, and keep wondering if I could have reached him somehow... If this could have gone differently. I don't know. I try to not wallow to much on what could have been done differently. It's too late to change that now."

What’s your biggest achievement?

Or what do you hope to achieve?

She wipes away her tears. "Ahh, this is easier. I'm... The Commonwealth now? I'm proud that I've been a part of building it towards a much safer and more prosperous place to live. But most of ask, I think? I'm proud of the library. That's something that me an Ellie built together, it was... like a proof of concept for everything bigger, I suppose. And it's still a lovely, lively place now, growing every day."

What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world?

"I want the Commonwealth to keep building. I want safety, and comfort, and sustainability. I want more connections elsewhere. And I want to know it can do that without me - I don't plan to go just yet, but I'm old and tired, and I will not be here forever. I want to be just some grandma, and let the world sort itself out. I've earned my rest, I think. And you know, I think it will happen, too. I think it will."

[malexfan10]

I absolutely love Tyler Blackburn

New article today

He is such a gem ❤

So genuine. Deserves all the love and support!

You can tell how much Alex means to him.

Please don't destroy this amazing character or this wonderful ship Carina!

It's a long read but well worth it

https://www.playboy.com/read/down-to-earth

❤

Down to Earth With Tyler Blackburn

The star of the CW's 'Roswell' reboot isn't a poster child of anything but his own path

Written by Ryan Gajewski

Photography by Graham Dunn

Published onJune 11, 2019

I’ve never met Tyler Blackburn before—except that I have. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’ve met versions of Tyler Blackburn. I’ve spent time with the actor on multiple occasions while covering his TV series Pretty Little Liars, the soapy teen-centered murder mystery that regularly generated more than a million tweets throughout its seven-season run. Just two weeks ago I reconnected with him in a lush meadow of flowering mustard outside Angeles National Forest, the site of his PLAYBOY photo shoot. But the Tyler Blackburn I’m meeting today at his home in the Atwater Village neighborhood of Los Angeles is in many ways an entirely different man.

When he greets me at the front door, Blackburn is relaxed, barefoot and still wearing what appears to be bed head. His disposition is unmistakably freer—lighter—than it’s been during our previous encounters. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Six days earlier the 32-year-old actor came out publicly as bisexual in an online interview with The Advocate. The announcement is clearly at the forefront of his mind as we sit down at his dining room table.

Almost immediately he starts to gush about the positive, and at times overwhelming, feedback he has received over the past few days. Within minutes he’s in tears. He tries to lighten the mood with a self-effacing quip, but now I’m in tears too. Then he tells me he can’t remember my question.

I haven’t even asked one yet, I reply.

“It just makes me feel, Wow, the world’s a little bit safer than I thought it was,” Blackburn says.

The most affecting response he’s received thus far has been from his father, whom Blackburn didn’t meet until he was five years old. Although he avoids offering any more details about that early chapter, he says, “Feeling like I’m a little bit different always made me wonder if he likes me, approves of me, loves me. He called, and it was just every single thing you would want to hear from your dad: ‘That was a bold move. I’m so proud of you.’ It was wild.” 

Blackburn can’t pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was bisexual but says he was curious from the age of 16. It wasn’t until two years ago, though, that he decided to approach his publicity team about coming out publicly. At that point, Pretty Little Liarshad wrapped, and the actor was without a job. So Blackburn and his team agreed they needed to hold off on making an announcement until his career was stable again. The lack of resolution weighed on him.

“A year ago I was in a very bad place,” he says, adding that he has struggled with depression and anxiety. “I didn’t know what my career was going to be or where it was going. My personal life—my relationship with myself—was in a really bad place.”

His casting on the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico, adapted from the same Melinda Metz book series as the WB’s 1999 cult favorite Roswell, seems to have come at the right time. Blackburn portrays Alex, a gay Army veteran whose relationship with Michael, a bisexual alien, has attracted legions of “Malex” devotees since the show’s January debut. Roswell, New Mexico has already been renewed for a second season—a feat for any series in this era of streaming, let alone one involving gay exophilia.

Playing a character whose queerness has been so widely embraced by fans no doubt nudged Blackburn closer to revealing his truth for the first time since becoming an actor 15 years ago. (As he told The Advocate, “I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to…feel okay with experiencing love and experiencing self-love.”) Still, he was somewhat reluctant. His hesitation was rooted in the fact that he wouldn’t be able to control what came next: the social pressures that often come with being one of the first—in his case, one of the first openly bisexual male actors to lead a prime-time television series.

“If you stand for this thing, and you say it publicly, there’s suddenly the expectation of ‘Now your job is this,’ ” he says. “Even if someone’s like, ‘Now you’re going to go be the spokesperson’—well, no. If I don’t want to, I don’t want to. And that doesn’t mean I’m a half-assed queer.”

Full disclosure: I previously wrote for a Pretty Little Liars fan site. In 2012 I published a listicle that ranked the show’s hottest male characters. Blackburn cracks up when I tell him this and wants to know whether he bested Ian Harding, his former co-star. After I inform him that his character (hacker with a heart of gold Caleb Rivers) finished second behind Harding’s (Ezra Fitz, a student-dating teacher) I promise to organize a recount. The always-modest Blackburn concedes that Harding is the rightful winner. (If anyone ever compiles a BuzzFeed article titled “Most Embarrassing Moments for Former Bloggers,” I’ll be offended if I’m not in the mix.)

Blackburn makes it clear that he has not always been comfortable with his status as a teen heartthrob. Knowing he was queer made it “hard to embrace it and enjoy it.” Growing up, he was bullied for being perceived as effeminate and was frequently subjected to slurs and homophobic jokes. He describes himself as a late bloomer who took longer than usual to shed his baby fat. He didn’t have many friends, nor did he date much in high school. 

A lifelong fan of musical theater and the performing arts, Blackburn signed with a Hollywood management company at the age of 17. His team at the time warned him that projecting femininity would hinder his success. An especially painful moment came after he’d auditioned for a role as a soldier and the producers wrote back that Blackburn had seemed “a little gay.” 

“Those two managers were so twisted in their advice to me,” Blackburn says. “They just said, ‘We don’t care if you are, but no one can know. You can’t walk into these rooms and seem gay. It’s not gonna work.’ I remember the shame, because I’ve been dealing with the feeling that I’m not a normal boy for my entire life.”

After landing a recurring role on Days of Our Lives in 2010, Blackburn scored his big break when he appeared midway through the first season of Pretty Little Liars. “I was in Tyler’s first scene, so I got to be one of the first to work with him,” Shay Mitchell, who starred opposite Blackburn, tells PLAYBOY. “Right away, I knew he was special. Since the day I met him, Tyler always struck me as very authentic and very true to himself.” 

Fans instantly adored his on-screen love affair with Hanna Marin, played by Ashley Benson. The pair became known as “Haleb,” and Blackburn went on to win three Teen Choice Awards—surfboard trophies that solidify one’s status as a teen idol—in categories including Choice TV: Chemistry.

According to Blackburn, during the show’s seven years on the air, he and Benson bonded over their mutual distaste for the tabloid stardom that comes with headlining a TV phenomenon lapped up by teens. Today he fondly reflects on their on-camera chemistry. “It felt good,” he says. “It felt real.”

Of course, rumors swirled that the pair’s romance was actually quite real. “We never officially dated,” he tells me. “In navigating our relationship—as co-workers but also as friends—sometimes the lines blurred a little. We had periods when we felt more for each other, but ultimately we’re good buds. For the most part, those rumors made us laugh. But then sometimes we’d be like, ‘Did someone see us hugging the other night?’ She was a huge part of a huge change in my life, so I’ll always hold her dear.” 

Blackburn also shares a unique connection with Mitchell outside their friendship. Similar to what Blackburn is now experiencing with Roswell, Mitchell was embraced by the LGBTQ community for playing a lesbian character, Emily Fields, whose same-sex romances on Pretty Little Liars were among the first on ABC Family (the former name of the Freeform network).

Over the years, Blackburn had come out to select members of the Pretty Little Liars cast and crew, including creator I. Marlene King. But as the show approached its swan song, he started to recognize how hiding a part of himself was negatively affecting his life. He entered his first serious relationship with a man while filming the show’s final season. Not knowing how to tell co-workers—or whether to, say, invite his boyfriend to an afterparty—caused him to “go into a little bit of a shell” on the set.

“My boyfriend was hanging out with me at a Pretty Little Liars convention, and some of the fans were like, ‘Are you Tyler’s brother?’ ” Blackburn says. “He was very patient, but then afterward he was like, ‘That kind of hurt me.’ It was a big part of why we didn’t work out, just because he was at a different place than I was. Unfortunately, we don’t really talk anymore, but if he reads this, I hope he knows that he helped me so much in so many ways.” At that, Blackburn tearfully excuses himself and takes a private moment to regain his composure. 

“I never remember a time when I didn’t enjoy being with him,” says Harding, Blackburn’s former co-star. He says he saw the actor “start to become the person he is now when we worked together” but believes Blackburn needed to first come to terms with the idea that he could become “the face” of bisexuality. “Tyler’s discovering a way to bring real meaning with his presence in the world,” Harding says, “as an actor and as a whole human.”

Once the teenage Blackburn realized he was attracted to guys, he began “experimenting” with men while taking care not to become too emotionally attached. “I just didn’t feel I had the inner strength or the certainty that it was okay,” he says. It wasn’t until a decade later, at the age of 26, that he began to “actively embrace my bisexuality and start dating men, or at least open myself up to the idea.” He says he’s been in love with two women and had great relationships with both, but he “just knew that wasn’t the whole story.”

He was able to enjoy being single in his 20s in part because he wasn’t confident enough in his identity to commit to any one person in a relationship. “I had to really be patient with myself—and more so with men,” he says. “Certain things are much easier with women, just anatomically, and there’s a freedom in that.” He came out of that period with an appreciation for romance and intimacy. Sex without an emotional component, he discovered, didn’t have much appeal.

“As I got older, I realized good sex is when you really have something between the two of you,” says Blackburn, who’s now dating an “amazing” guy. “It’s not just a body. The more I’ve realized that, the more able I am to be settled in my sexuality. I’m freer in my sexuality now. I’m very sexual; it’s a beautiful aspect of life.”

Blackburn has, however, felt resistance from the LGBTQ community, particularly when bisexual women have questioned his orientation. “Once I decided to date men, I was like, Please just let me be gay and be okay with that, because it would be a lot fucking easier. At times, bisexuality feels like a big gray zone,” he says. (For example, Blackburn knows his sexuality may complicate how he becomes a father.) “I’ve had to check myself and say, I know how I felt when I was in love with women and when I slept with women. That was true and real. Don’t discredit that, because you’re feeding into what other people think about bisexuality.”

He clearly isn't the first rising star who's had to deal with outside opinions of how to handle his Hollywood coming-out. I spoke to Brianna Hildebrand just before the release of 2018's smash hit Deadpool 2, and she explained that she had previously met with publicists who had offered to keep her sexuality under wraps, even though the actress herself had never suggested this. Meanwhile, ahead of the launch of last fall's Fantastic Beasts sequel, Ezra Miller told methat he's "been in audition situations where sexuality was totally being leveraged."

Fortunately for Blackburn, his recent experiences with colleagues have largely been supportive ones. He came out to Roswell, New Mexico showrunner Carina Adly Mackenzie when he first arrived in N.M. to shoot the pilot but after he had earned the role of Alex, which for him was the ideal sequence. "I think he takes the responsibility of being queer in the public eye very seriously, and waiting to come out was just about waiting until he was ready to share a private matter—not about being dishonest to his fans," Mackenzie tells PLAYBOY. "I have always known how important Alex is to Tyler, and I know that Tyler trusts me to do right by him, ultimately, and that’s really special."

Blackburn finds it funny that he’s known for young-skewing TV shows; the question is, What might define him next? He’s grateful for his career, but he grew up wanting to make edgy dramas like the young Leonardo DiCaprio. He also cites an admiration for Miller, the queer actor who plays the Flash. “I most definitely want to be a fucking superhero one day,” Blackburn says a bit wistfully. 

His path to cape wearing does look more tenable. The day before his Advocateinterview was posted, he booked a lead role in a fact-based disaster-survival film opposite Josh Duhamel. Blackburn jokes that his movie career was previously nonexistent, though his résumé features such thoughtful indie fare as 2017’s vignette-driven Hello Again. There, he plays a love interest to T.R. Knight, who tells PLAYBOY that Blackburn “embraces the challenge to stretch and not choose the easy path.” 

For now, Blackburn’s path appears to be just where he needs it to be. “I may never want to be a spokesperson in a huge way, but honestly, being truthful and authentic sets a great example,” he says. “To continue on a path of fulfillment and happiness is going to make people feel like they too can have that and it doesn’t need to be some spectacle.” As it turns out, he may already be a superhero.

[lifejustgotinteresting-blog]

Update

3 years later. And life, well it has been interesting. Or, it has had its interesting and entertaining and memorable (whether if I'd like to or not) moments. I wear a lot of these as badges. That I got through tough times, and ya know, really just put every ounce of myself into enjoying life, or dealing with life the best way I could. I MADE FRIENDS. As a twenty-something in a big ass intimidating city. I did it. I'm finally living in an apartment with an ACTUAL FRIEND, and not some random roomie. Boys....well that's a different story. There have been boys, boys who probably should've never been boys in my life, boys I wasn't ready for, boys I had zero business getting involved with. And I'm not mistaken when I say boys, because even though they ranged from 27-32, I wouldn't call them men. But even so, I have zero regrets from any of it. Though nothing really panned out from my time with them *romantically*, they were just what I needed when they came into my life. I learned so much about myself, and if anything, thats what these past 3 years have really been about. Learning who I am, who I want to be, and just being comfortable being me. And I'm still working towards that. That ultimate goal. "Being unapologetically yourself". Fuck all the woman who say this is an easy feat, "just stay true" blah, blah, blah. It is absoFUCKINGlutely not.

Now this wouldn't be a true post if I didn't get off my idealized high horse and was actually real. So really, right now, right now SUCKS. I'll just go through the highlights quickly. I loatheeeeeee my job. To the point where I'm silently begging to the heavens above everyday from 9-6 that I get fired. I wish it. I want it. CAN IT PLEASE BE MY XMAS PRESENT UNIVERSE. As if with mostly everyone now, the pandemic ran me ragged. I am well past the point of burnt out and I'm not even fucking 30. I want to be done with this god forsaken job and just make ends meet by walking dogs for year. And the on the friend front, all still there, but a lot of changes from our shenanigan ass ways a year or so ago. People are moving on with their lives (as they rightfully should), settling into their happy lil relationships, bigger jobs with bigger responsibilities, grad school. Moving on. And I'm stuck. Stuck and feeling like I'm being left behind. Or so far from where my friends are in life that there's nothing else to relate to anymore. I feel lonely. But the biggest cherry on top, the piece de resistance, by parents are separating. Soon to get a divorce I'm sure. And how was I told. BY AN EMAIL. From my mother. I've never been a champion of my parents marriage. From a young age, I knew they were not meant for one another, but in a way had just settled that this was their lives. Very old school, "you made your bed, now lie in it" mentality. Foolish, silly, stupid me thought that after racking up over 30 years in their marriage, those talks of divorce that had come up many a time throughout my childhood were finally off the table. But no, I'm almost 30 and they're finally doing it, and it hurts just as much as it did when they talked about it when I was 7. That's kinda the just of it all currently. I feel even more lost, sad, and angry than ever. I'm a mess. I'm fairly certain I'm depressed. I'm unhappy. And I don't know how to get out of this. I don't know what to do. Hey universe, I think some lines got crossed. I said I wanted to get fired from my shitty job, not to have my entire life fall apart.

[marianaahmad]

This is the view I look forward to these days. I sit quietly on a bench in front of the church entrance in Kirkonoummi and contemplate life while my husband plays golf at a course about 4km away. I brisk walk to and from the cemetery and supermarket and for 4 hours or so, this is the me time I look forward to during the coronavirus "lockdown". It has been pretty easy here in Finland. We are allowed to go out to the supermarket and the Finns are a natural at social distancing even from before it wad trendy.

I am almost 40 and I haven't spoken to my mother since September. It is now May. I don't miss her. I haven't missed her since I was in my 20s. She infuriates me. She has done so for a long time. My family knows her as the outspoken woman, the eldest of 11 children, or was it 12? I have lost count. I think 6 or 7 of her siblings are still alive. She got me when she was 23. Young, I know. Sometimes, I think maybe she did not want me but was swayed by social norms back then in the late 70s. I was born in 1980.

My mother got married when she was 20. She claims she was 21 by then. I let that slide. My late dad was 8 years older than her. She wanted a man who was God-fearing and prayed towards Mecca 5 times a day. A man who was responsible and looked after his family. They were neighbours when she was young and her family hated his family. My paternal grandfather was known for his violent tempers. I was told he once threw a bicycle on one of his daughters as punishment for coming home late. My mum had a twinkle in her eye as she related the irony that it was also the same aunt who got knocked up before marriage.

"The more some fathers try to control their daughter, the worse they will behave," she said. My mum takes pride in the fact that she was a Virgin when she got married. She had a string of boyfriends but she never let them take it too far. "Yang berat berat tak boleh. Yang ringan ringan ok," probably stood out as one of the weirdest pieces of advice she gave to me and my sister when it came to relationships. It also seemed like she was desperate by then for us to be coupled up and that advice was different to my dad who told me at 19, just before I left Singapore for an exchange program in Barcelona. "Kakak, don't open your legs. Boys only want one thing." Geez Dad, not in front of everyone at the airport.

One of my mum's best friends betrayed her by getting knocked up and then marrying a poor farmer who was working for the Malaysian government in an oil palm plantation across the border. I never understood why she felt betrayed by that friend. A whole lot of issue about a little tissue, if you ask me.

Today is Mother's Day and a day when I feel most awkward and want it all to go away. Why put aside one day to celebrate women and/or giving birth? To buy cards, flowers and cakes for them? To treat them well? Just for one day in a year or their birthday or on Women's Day? Hell, I never knew about Women's Day till I lived in the Republic of Georgia and I was 32 years old.

What if your mother was abusive and called you names when you were growing up? Because they were just doing their best and it was what was the done thing at that time? Because she did not know any better and was also mentally abused by her own mother? What if her own mother had no mother since her birth mother died during childbirth or did not live long enough to raise her and was raised by an abusive grandmother? What if you are a mother who moved away from your child to a whole new country in order to pursue your own happiness and left the child in the care of your ex husband and his new wife? Are you still a mother then? What about that new wife who did not give birth to your child but has to look after the child's needs and raise her like her own? Is she a mother now? What if a woman never wanted to be a mother because she did not want another child to go through what she went through and instead makes it her life purpose to guide orphans and juveniles and pass on life skills to them? Doesmake her less of a mother?oes that make her less of a mother?

What if your mother was abusive and called you names when you were growing up? Because they were just doing their best and it was what was the done thing at that time? Because she did not know any better and was also mentally abused by her own mother? What if her own mother had no mother since her birth mother died during childbirth or did not live long enough to raise her and was raised by an abusive grandmother? What if you are a mother who moved away from your child to a whole new country in order to pursue your own happiness and left the child in the care of your ex husband and his new wife? Are you still a mother then? What about that new wife who did not give birth to your child but has to look after the child's needs and raise her like her own? Is she a mother now? What if a woman never wanted to be a mother because she did not want another child to go through what she went through and instead makes it her life purpose to guide orphans and juveniles and pass on life skills to them?oes that make her less of a mother?oes that make her less of a mother?

Does that make her less of a mother?Does that make her less of a mother?

[fedantics-blog]

The transcript of the attachment therapy session that claimed 10 year old Candace Elizabeth Newmaker's life.

00:00 -- Therapist Julie Ponder tells Candace to lie down on the navy blue flannel sheet and get into the fetal position.

Ponder: So imagine yourself as a teeny little baby inside your mother's womb and what it felt like. Warm. It felt tight because her stomach was all around you. (Candace is bound in the sheet, the ends twisted above her head and held by Ponder. She is covered by pillows and four adults begin pressing on her.)

01:25 -- Ponder: What do you think you thought about when you where in there?

Candace: I thought I was gonna die.

Ponder: You thought you were gonna die in there?

Candace: Yeah.

Jeane Newmaker: I'm so excited. I'm going to have a brand new baby. I hope it's a girl. I'm going to love her, to hold her and tell her stories. . .I'm going to keep her very safe. . . Every day we'll be together and she'll be with me forever.

(Candace is asked if she believes what her mother is saying.)

Candace: Uh huh.

(Candace is asked how that makes her feel.)

Candace: Happy.

Watkins: If the baby doesn't decide to be born, she will die. When the baby decides to be born it's a wonderful thing.

Ponder: So little baby, are you ready to be reborn?

Candace: Uh huh.

Ponder: Come out head first. You have to push really hard with your feet. If you stay in there you're going to die and your mommy's going to die.

08:42 -- Candace: Who's sitting on me? I can't do it.

08:53 -- Candace: I can't do it! (Crying). My hands come out first?

Watkins: Sometimes it takes 18 hours to be born.

09:36 -- Candace: (Screaming) I can't do it. I can't do it! I can't breathe. I can't breathe!

10:16 -- Candace: Whoever is pushing on my head it's not helping. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't breathe. It's too dark under here. Please quit pushing on my head I can't do it. Somebody's sitting on top of me.

10:50 -- Candace: (Moaning) Somebody's on top of me. Where am I supposed to come out? Right here? Where my finger is?

11:26 -- Candace: I can't do it. (Screams) I'm gonna die.

Ponder: Do you want to be reborn or do you want to stay in there and die?

11:40 -- Candace: Quit pushing on me. Please. (Moaning) Quit squishing my legs. I'm gonna die now. (Screams)

Ponder: Do you want to die?

Candace: No, but I'm about to.

12:10 -- Candace: Please, please I can't breathe.

12:30 -- Candace: I can't do it anymore.

12:40 -- Candace: Please quit pushing on me.

13:12 -- Candace: I need some help. Help! Help me please.

Watkins: Are you feeling the contractions, mom?

Newmaker: I am.

13:43 -- Candace: Where am I to go? Right here? Right here? I'm supposed to go right here? Please. Please. (Screams) OK I'm dying. OK, I'm dying. I'm sorry.

14:31 -- Candace: OK, I'm dying.

14:38 -- Candace: I'm going to die.

15:30 -- Candace: I want to die.

16:08 -- Candace: Can you let me have some oxygen? You mean, like you want me to die for real?

Ponder: Uh huh.

Candace: Die right now and go to heaven?

Ponder: Go ahead and die right now. For real. For real.

Candace: OK, I'm dead.

Watkins: It's not always easy to live. You have to be really strong to live a life, a human life.

17:07 -- Candace: (Labored breathing) Get off. I'm sick. Get off. Where am I supposed to come out? Where? But how can I get there?

Watkins: Just go ahead and die. It's easier . . .It takes a lot of courage to be born.

18:26 -- Candace: You said you would give me oxygen.

Watkins: You gotta fight for it.

19:50 -- (Candace vomits) OK, I'm throwing up. I just threw up. (Vomiting) I gotta poop. I gotta poop.

21:24 -- Candace: Uh, I'm going in my pants.

Ponder: Go ahead.

Watkins: Stay in there with the poop and vomit.

23:22 -- Candace: Help! I can't breathe. I can't breathe. It's hot. I can't breathe.

Newmaker: I'm so excited to have this baby. . I'm waiting for you, to love you and hold you. . .

Ponder: Scream, Candace.

Candace: No.

Newmaker: Baby, I love you already. I'll hold you and love you and keep you safe forever. . . Don't give up on your life before you have it. . .

32:25 -- 33:44 -- Jack McDaniel repositions himself on a pillow over Candace's head.

Ponder: Candace? (No response) (Takes another pillow from Newmaker.) She needs more pressure over here so she can't. . .so she really needs to fight.

Watkins: Getting pretty tight in here.

Ponder: Yep. . .less and less air all the time.

35:39-40:00 -- Ponder and McDaniel reposition themselves again.

Ponder: She gets to be stuck in her own puke and poop.

Watkins: Uh huh. It's her own life. Quitter.

40:01: -- Candace: No. (Her final word.)

McDaniel: Mama got you this far, now it's up to you.

Watkins: Candace is used to making her life everybody else's problem. She's not used to living her own life.

Ponder: Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quit, quit, quit, quit. She's a quitter.

(Watkins leaves, Newmaker leaves. McDaniel takes Watkins' place. Watkins returns.)

McDaniel: This baby doesn't want to live. She's a quitter.

(Watkins tells McDaniel and St. Clair to take a break.)

(Ponder and Watkins discuss someone who is stressed, then chitchat about their dream homes and a million-dollar property nearby that is being remodeled.)

Watkins: Let's talk to the twerp.

(They unwrap Candace.)

01:09:53 - Watkins: Oh, there she is sleeping in her vomit.