#murphsangst

[arviyya]

Twisted - @rosekillermicrofic - 999 words

⬩Twisted hearts, twisted fates⬩

There is nothing Evan wants more than to touch Barty at any given moment. 

It's like a drug that seeps through his veins, igniting that fire that makes him vibrate right out of his skin. 

The feeling is exhilarating. But it’s also frustrating. 

Feeling any feelings at all, is always a bit much for Evan, but being completely consumed by them is another pain entirely. 

And yes, it is pain. 

It would be a lot easier to feel nothing at all. 

Evan thinks that if Barty felt the same, it might be simpler. But this suspicion is baseless. Everything Barty has done has only ever solidified his belief that Barty doesn't have feelings. 

Well, except anger.

Whenever Barty is angry, it fills the very air. And despite that tangible truth, it's obvious that Barty would prefer to pretend like it doesn't exist, channeling it into whatever unhinged humor, or idea that comes to him in the midst of that dysphoria. 

Evan can tell, though. He can always tell. 

Today is no exception. That morning at breakfast in the great hall, Barty received another letter from his father. 

It's not that his dad is that awful, not as awful as Evan's, and Barty often grapples with this, saying things like, "I know he hasn't hurt me like–like yours has," this always makes Evan shift, his shoulders tensing at the memories, "but I still hate him. I can't explain it. He just..." 

“He hurts you. Don't ever downplay that." 

Barty usually responds by waving Evan off, or acting like he isn't bothered, but Evan knows it's the truth. 

Just because Barty hasn't been hurt physically doesn't mean he hasn't been hurt. 

His father diminishes everything that Barty is, always attempting to make him feel useless, and unworthy. Constantly criticizing and scrutinizing every piece that makes him, him. 

Every piece that Evan loves.

Evan knows that his father is manipulating him. Attempting to shove him into a box he doesn't fit in, and Barty only ever ends up feeling like he isn't good enough. 

He never says this but Evan sees the way it manifests in his schoolwork, always outshining everyone around him, working twice as hard to prove himself. 

Evan only wishes that Barty could see himself the way Evan sees him.

The letter he received was an announcement that his family would be dining with the Greengrass’s over Christmas.

“Of All the things your father says to you, this is definitely not the worst. Spit it out, B. What's your deal?” Evan asks as they sit against the wall in the astronomy tower, a bottle of firewhiskey held loose in his hand. 

“I've been suspicious for months that father is trying to set me up with the Greengrass girl. It's sickening.” 

“She's not so bad.” Evan attempts to ignore the way his heart sinks into his stomach. 

“She's not the problem.” Barty sighs as he takes the bottle. “Not exactly. It's just… I want to do what I want to do. You know?” 

Evan glances over at his green eyes that send him into the stratosphere–every. single. time. “So what is it you want, B?”

“I just want to be free.” 

Silence falls over them, the words hanging heavy in the air. 

Evan knows how he feels. There are expectations that pull and twist Evan’s fate too. Sometimes, he simply can't breathe, suffocating from the path laid before him. The path that was chosen for him long ago. 

Maybe it's the alcohol. 

Maybe it’s the rarity of honesty. 

Maybe it's the way his heart twists in his chest, it's shards pressing against his lungs, ripping his skin, begging to be free, begging for Barty. 

Or maybe it’s just the loneliness that prompts Evan to put his arm around Barty’s shoulder, his fingers wrapping around the curve of his neck, pulling him closer with a small squeeze. 

It’s meant to be comforting, a small gesture to show Barty that he’a not alone. That freedom is something Evan longs for too, more than Barty can ever know. 

Barty leans into him, to Evan’s surprise, and he pulls from the bottle, emptying it and tossing it aside. 

“I know, B. Me too.” Evan closes his eyes, relishing in the closeness. He knows its temporary. “What would you do with it?”

“With what?” Barty’s voice is so quiet, and Evan doesn't catch how breathless he is, his mind static and focusing hard on the moment, lost in a buzz of alcohol and endorphins. 

“With your freedom…” Evan’s heart pounds so hard it hurts.

“I think you know what I would do.” 

Evan opens his eyes just enough to see Barty gazing up at him, one hand on his chest. He can feel Barty’s warm breath on his face, the scent of oak and firewhiskey filling his senses. He hadn't realized how close they were, how close Barty had gotten. His mind unable to catch up in a moment that seemed like a dream.

Suddenly, Barty’s hand tangles in Evan’s hair, a touch so gentle yet deprived. Time slows to a standstill, and Evan’s eyes flick between Barty’s as Barty leans in, lips hovering over his own.

“What… what–I…” 

“Shh, just…” 

Barty’s lips brush over his, soft and careful at first, and Evan swears his heart stops. 

It's only quiet for a moment before they are suddenly kissing with such ferocity it's like they are attempting to devour each other. 

It's an explosion. Like stars colliding. But instead of debris flying through space, it's their love shattering the promise of time. 

Whatever paths were set for them, have crumbled to dust. 

And with every kiss, every touch, every glance, every drop of blood beneath their skin, their fates twist and wind, reaching every corner of the universe. 

Every corner of time. 

Nothing will ever be the same after this. 

That much, Evan knows.

Whatever challenges they face, it's them. Always them. And nothing can shatter what they've found in each other. 

At least, Evan hopes.

[arviyya]

Fic Masterlist:

hi i'm murph! welcome! ✴ links below for fics & ao3

In a Jegulus and Rosekiller sandwhich.

Finished:

ⵜ Venom Dripping In Your Mouth: 1/1 -strutting slut fest

Jegulus/rosekiller — Regulus is a bio-chem undergrad fulfilling a humanities credit when he realizes there may be something strange about his professors, James and Evan. He finds more than he bargains for when he decides to test his theory with his best friend Barty in tow, leading to Regulus and Barty becoming human sippy cups.

WIPs In Progress:

✴ A Song of Serpents: 17/36 for volume 1

Jegulus, Rosekiller, Dorlene - background Wolfstar; Canon Divergent Hogwarts/post Hogwarts au; Regulus, James, Evan, Barty, Dorcas POVs — Love is in the air, but so is war. War is violent, but so is love; and grief is the stain left behind when love bleeds.

ⵜ A Taste of Sin: 5/16 -Siriuslyhozierfest

Rosekiller - background Jegulus, Dorlene; Muggle fame au; Evan & Barty POVs — Every story has an ending. Barty knows that his own is no different. One day he will slip into nothingness, and there’s comfort in that certainty. But until the hounds of hell drag him away with their teeth, Barty wants whatever version of life is raw, and uncut. | Everything changes for Evan the night that Regulus brings Barty home with him. He meets those green eyes and knows that he will never be the same. Never.

✦ Into the Abyss: 1/?

Jegulus & Rosekiller & Wolfstar - and various combinations of those. Mainly Jegulus/Rosekiller; Wizarding AU - very Canon divergent — It's on a fateful evening that everything changes for Regulus, James, Barty, and Evan, when Evan and Regulus decide to take a glimpse into their future, only to find horrors beyond anything they can imagine. Desperately, the four of them do whatever they can to try and change it, even if they have to change themselves along the way.

arviyya & thejessalope

My tags:

Murphsangst — anything angsty by me

Murphsmut — anything smutty by me

Murphsmicrofics — microfics by me

A little bad day blues — rambles by me

Left field brainrot — brain puddling into nonsense

Also fuck jkr.