#murder as a second language by joan hess

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reviews Murder as a Second Language, by Joan Hess (2013)

Me: I should've turned this book into a drinking game. Take a shot every time it's racist. Take two every time Claire's a bitch. etc etc Angel: You'd be dead. You'd be in an ambulance and Claire would be withholding your insurance card

Content: I thought the first eleven pages were bad and rage-inducing. Folks i had no idea what I was getting myself into, oh my god.

Who I think would like it: Someone who likes cosy murder mysteries, who feels like turning their brain off for a bit to read something low-stakes.

Things it does well: On a purely technical level, the writing was competent. No major plot holes, unless you count Claire flip-flopping about her motivation to volunteer. Red herrings are successfully set up and disposed of, and clues were laid effectively.

Things that could be improved: The dialogue was a major weak point. Exposition was shoved into sentences without any thought to how difficult that would make them to read, and Caron didn't talk like a seventeen year old. Keiko's grasp of English (as well as Jiang's, frankly) got better or worse depending on the paragraph. The racism, of course, was bad, but Claire was by far the weakest point in the novel. I've read trashy books, but never have I read a character so unintentionally unlikable. Not all protagonists have to be good, upstanding people, but they should at least be compelling - think Fight Club, or The Godfather. Claire was neither likeable nor compelling, I can't see any interest she and her husband have in each other besides wanting to bang, and Caron is an insufferable brat. I'm glad my time with them is over.

My review: The last book I reviewed that was anywhere near this terrible was The Great Zoo of China. As I vented about this book on Discord with Angel, I couldn't help but compare them. The Great Zoo of China is objectively worse on a writing level. Riley's writing was repetitive, basic, and kept defining words for us (you'll recall the line, "The hole was already four storeys - or forty feet - deep."). And, while Claire and Caron were unbearable characters, at least they were characters - no one in TGZoC had any identifiable personality. Initially, I was firm in my conviction that TGZoC was more racist, but by the endpoint of MAASL I was starting to rethink that. Riley's racism was very targeted, specifically calling negative attention at the Chinese characters in his book. Hess's racism is equal-opportunity: everyone who's not a White US American is a fair target for stereotyping and hate. Riley's racism was extreme enough that I don't see most people openly agreeing with it - remember, Riley openly stated that Chinese people are inherently uncreative and only useful as manual labourers to help white people. Hess's racism is banal, common, the sort of thing your apparently decent co-worker might let slip one day without realising they said anything off while you're left scrambling at how to explain that it's not okay. Both are damaging and hurtful in their own ways, but Hess's is so much more normalised that many of her readers are likely to laugh it off as a joke, or try to forgive it by saying Hess is a product of her time. Look, I like cosy murder mysteries. Sure, a lot of them are the equivalent of literary potato chips, but I still read them. But there are much better ones than Murder as a Second Language, so don't waste your time on this one.

Does this book have…: ✅= yes ❓= not sure ⭕= possibly/mixed ❌= no Romance? ✅ Claire is (supposedly) happily married, and keeps going on about her dream husband. Miao and Jiang are engaged, Caron and Inez are boy obsessed, and dating features heavily in the background of the book. Sex? ✅ No on-screen sex or masturbation, but there are frequent references to it. The only thing Claire and Peter seem to like about each other is the possibility of sex, and references to their escapades are frequent in the novel. There's also a perverted old man in a senior's centre who sexually harasses Claire (all in good fun, apparently (sarcasm)) and also tries to grope her. Racism? ✅ So, so, so much. The best I can say for this book is that, unlike TGZaC, it didn't drop any quasi-slurs. I've covered the racism against Asian characters, but Hess is no better towards anyone else - one the book's two Black character is very large and physically intimidating to every white woman who meets him, and Claire automatically assumes any Arabic men she encounters are violent and misogynistic. Sexism? ✅ Yes, with a racial element. All three of the East Asian women in the book are small, demure, and youthful. It's considered a twist that Keiko, the program co-ordinator, is old enough to be married with kids. Miao exists only to be a sexual object for the men around her. On the other hand, the Eastern European women who feature in the book - Ludmila, a Polish woman, and Yelena, from Russia - were both written with sexist, unflattering stereotypes of loud, overbearing, tough European grandmothers. LGBTQIA-phobia? ⭕ Remember in the 2000s, when "metrosexual" was used to insult any man who brushed his teeth and wore clean clothes? Yeah, Hess unironically uses that term on page 20. Other than that, no mentions of queer characters at all. Ableism? ✅ ⭕ One off-hand use of the term "psychopath" at some point, but that's about it Swearing? ❌ Drug/Alcohol references? ✅ References to marijuana with the sort of gravity typical of the early 2010s, and a lot of drinking - as well as the implication that various characters drove tipsy References to or actual violence or suicide? ✅ Well, it is a murder mystery, after all. In addition, Greg's former wife died by suicide before the story starts, which is referenced in detail later on. References to or actual animal death or cruelty? ✅ ⭕ There's references early on to a dead bird left for someone to find as a threat, but nothing on-screen

Recommended: Hells no

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reads Murder as a Second Language, by Joan Hess (2013)

So yeah, this was the book I made the poll about. As this is a murder mystery I'm liveblogging, it's very likely I'll spoil the killer for you. Block the tag "solaris reads murder as a second language" if you don't want spoilers.

Murder as a Second Language is the 19th book in the Claire Malloy Mysteries and the first book by Joan Hess I've read. Last year I listened to about 30 minutes of the audiobook before DNF'ing it because of how trashy the first couple chapters were. Well, now I'm back, and we're going to see how bad the rest of it is.

MAASL picks up shortly after our main character Claire, long-time local business owner, has married Deputy Chief Peter Rosen, and just before she packs her daughter Caron off to college. To get into the college she wants, Caron has to spend the summer doing volunteer work, and Claire - now faced with the possibility of spare time - decides to volunteer as well. When a murder happens in town, Claire and Peter team up to solve the case.

Well, let's see what I've gotten myself into...

[Transcript: "Inez found thsi really cool place where we can volunteer to teach English as a second language to foreigners. It's like four hours a week, and we arrange our own schedules. I figure that if we're there from eleven to noon, we'll have plenty of time to go to the lake and the mall." /end]

Just setting up some background here. Caron has picked fairly easy volunteer work that gives her plenty of time to still enjoy summer, and only really has to devote 40 odd hours to it. As far as last-minute requirements to get into college go, Caron has it pretty damn easy.

Or maybe not. See, she has to attend a training session and...

[Transcript: "Yeah," Caron muttered. "The training session was interminable. The teacher basically read aloud from the manual while we followed along, like we were illiterate. We broke for pizza and then listened to her drone on for another four hours. After that, the executive director, some pompous guy named Gregory Whistler, came in and thanked us for volunteering. I was so thrilled that I almost woke up."

"Then it got worse," Inez said. "The program director, who's Japanese and looks like she's a teenager, told us that because of the shortage of volunteers in the summer we would each get four students - and meet with them twice a week for an hour."

"For a total of Eight Hours." Caron's sigh evolved into an agonized moan. "We have to call them and find a time that's mutually convenient. It could be six in the morning or four in the afternoon. We may never make it to the lake." /end]

How heartbreaking! Caron, on the cusp of adulthood, faces a fraction of the responsibilities she will face in a year when she goes off to college! Her life is truly difficult (sarcasm)

[Transcript: "And I," Caron said, rolling her eyes, "have to tutor an old lady from Poland, a Chinese man, an Iranian woman, and a woman from Russia. How am I supposed to call them on the phone? They don't speak English. Like I speak Polish, Chinese, Russian, and whatever they speak in Iran. This is a nightmare, and I think we ought to just quit now. I say we set up a lemonade stand and donate the proceeds to some charity." /end]

And it gets worse (heavy sarcasm)! Did you know that people who need to learn English as a second language don't speak English perfectly? Caron is right to throw away the chance to go to a good college over this (heavy sarcasm)

Anyway, all is saved, because Claire promises to volunteer as well and take some of their students off their hands so Caron doesn't give up and go to the local community college instead. Personally I'd say a good parent would make their child take responsibility for themselves, but what do I know. This post is getting long, so check the reblogs for how well that works out for everyone

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reads Murder as a Second Language by Joan Hess, part 2

Start from the beginning here

[Transcript: A taciturn officer gave me a ride back to my car. Leslie's nosy neighbor had retreated under his rock. I drove slowly by his house in hopes of spotting something remotely felonious. Alas, there was nary a scrap of litter in the stubby brown grass. I reminded myself that I was not a vengeful person, /end]

since when

[solarishashernoseinabook]

Solaris reads Murder as a Second Language by Joan Hess, part 3

Start from the beginning here

Read part two here

[Transcript: [...] want to hear it. His attitude reminded me of Caron's: If you believe you have right on your side, you're empowered to flout the rules. That's what she'd told me after she and Inez [...] /end]

Pot, meet kettle