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theshelbyslimited · 2 years ago

Note

I MISSED YOU JAMIE! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOUR EXAMS WENT OKAY 🤍

"There were little wrinkles on her face that you’d not previously noticed and suddenly you felt the familiar pain of knowing that nothing lasts forever. Your eyes watered slightly at the thought of losing everyone one day." O U C H. I always go through this nearly every week where I'm just suddenly struck w the painful realization that one day everyone I love will die and I'll be left behind 🙃💔

"You started off with the code immediately, assuming anyone could be listening to your calls." I love the way they've created a series of codes so that they can communicate certain things w/o properly having to communicate them (I hope that makes sense 🙈)

“I miss you.” “I miss you too." THEY ARE THE SWEETEST 🥺

“Do you hear me?” “Don’t go calling Noah, just fucking forget him eh? For now. For both your sakes just fucking leave this alone.” wow. harsh Thomas. I get she maybe shouldn't have told Noah but considering she's so out of the loop w it all, he's the only one she feels she can confide in 🙁

"Memories of your late father's hand across your cheek became harder and harder to push down. Memories of the Priest at the orphanage with his hands around your neck flooded your mind." the flashbacks. poor thing :(

“Why would it be for her-” “You’ve got to be kidding me.” NOAH TO THE RESCUE 😭

"She jumped up and he caught her in a large embrace, twirling her around, her laugh echoing. They said nothing as he picked her up and started to carry her the rest of the way back to the house." THE CUTEST 🥺 I'm too fat for that though unfortunately 🤭

“So romantic isn't it?” Esme is me 🥰

“She must have mentioned what's going on. Brought the whole fucking organization by the looks of it.” STOP I LOVE NOAH FOR THIS 🤣🥺

“What are you doing here!” “Bringing Apples.” I know I keep saying it but THEY ARE THE CUTEST 🥺

"Apples? - better not be some kinky shit or ill skin him alive. Tommy thought bitterly" of course Tommy would worry the apples means something sexual 🤣

“I heard that things were getting a bit dangerous in these parts. Thought the least I could do is ask around and come to help out.” "His stare was intense as you realized the full extent of what he meant. He brought everyone here to protect you." NOAHHH 😭 I LOVE YOU SIR 😭

“Eh, the boy wouldn't shut up. He’s miserable when he starts. Just like his mum was.” so basically, Alfie only agreed so Noah would shut up 🤣

“Look, we love our daughter, you love your son. For their sake let’s try to keep things as normal as possible. No business when they are around. Whether things work out or not let's just try to get along like parents would?” yes mama Lizzie 🙌🏽

“Our families are more friends than they are enemies. I’m not interested in business, your dad worked hard to get his life cleaned up. I respect him for not wanting you to fall into all this.” “Does that mean you’d leave it behind?” “In a heartbeat." SO SOFT FOR THEM 🥺

“Your dad is a right savage. He ever tell you about the time with the Russians? Savage.” ALFIE 🤣 for fuck sakes 🤣

“Numbers, I like that. Smart girl, people like us always need clever accountants. Very sharp.” Alfie, how nice of you 🥺

“I think he is darling. Try not to stress over it.” although I enjoy the odd moments between Y/N and Tommy, the relationship she has w Lizzie is so heartwarming and it's what both of them deserve 🥰😭

let me start by saying, I love how Y/N finds comfort in sleeping between Lizzie and Tommy. it is so adorable and it's so wholesome knowing that she most likely does it bc she feels safest between her parents.

I think Noah ultimately has good intentions and just wants to do whatever it takes to keep Y/N safe, even if he has to pester his father into helping out w it. I cannot wait for more chaos as these two families are forced to stay together right now while awaiting the arrival of the Changrettas. amazing work as always my love and thank you so much for this! I LOVE U ❤️

Closing Walls & Ticking Clocks is one of my favourite current series from you and I'd love a chapter where both sides of the family 'attempt' to have a peaceful dinner as a truce that eventually turns into the chaos one would expect when the Solomons + the Shelbys come together 🤭🙈 lots of love from Cass, proud of you always my friend.

Lovely Cass!

This is a whole bunch of things and it does include a dinner but most of the chaos will be in the next chapter! Hope you like where this is going. Love you ❤️

Rated: nothing explicit. The reader has an anxiety attack - not described in too much detail, but there are flashbacks to abuse, and she is comforted immediately. Mentions of losing a baby in the past, usual Shelby drama / peaky related themes

Previous parts: click here

You watched closely as Lizzie and Tommy navigated their relationship. He’d become much more protective of her, trying to be by her side more.

You’d sneakily traded bits and pieces of information about you and Noah to Polly till she was tipsy enough to give you more details about what had happened to Ruby. Once finished her eyes glazed over as she looked into the fire. You knew that she put on a sunny exterior for you and the kids, but deep down she looked an awful lot like Tommy in these moments.

Tired.

There were little wrinkles on her face that you’d not previously noticed and suddenly you felt the familiar pain of knowing that nothing lasts forever. Your eyes watered slightly at the thought of losing everyone one day.

“Time is all you have in the end.” She said darkly as if reading your thoughts. “Lizzie’s tough, she’ll be fine, love.” She followed in her usual tone.

The next few days you felt weighed down by Lizzie’s story. Unfortunately, there was nothing for you to do other than hope and pray that things would be different. Doctors were in and out frequently, and you’d walk in step with them asking questions till Tommy would tell you off.

The only thing that took your mind off of her, was the ever-growing threat against the family. Faceless, nameless, and motivated by revenge. No one would answer your questions or concerns.

Not knowing what else to do you called Noah. Mostly because you missed him, but also because you hoped that if Alfie had heard anything Noah would pass it along to you. The sound of his deep voice was enough to make your shoulders drop and you slid down the kitchen wall, taking a stolen cigarette out of your pocket. You started off with the code immediately, assuming anyone could be listening to your calls.

“I got a new coat ordered, it's Red. Going to match my Red shoes.” You said in a girly tone.

Red - things are sketchy, don't say too much.

“I liked the green one personally. Should I come around later? ” There was a faint tone of worry in his voice that made your knees weak.

“No, dad’s very busy. Lots of things happening with the business, you know how it can get.” You brushed him off taking a long drag of your cigarette. Wishing more than anything you could rest in his arms for a bit.

“I miss you.” He said softly and you heard an eruption of abuse calling after him from the men in the warehouse.

“I miss you too. Tell your dad I say hi? Might need to bring some apples around to make a pie one of these days.”

Apples - help.

“I’m sure he’d like that. When are you available to come around?”

“Anytime over the next few weeks should be fine. Nothing urgent is happening with me at the moment.” Things felt very urgent. But you didn't want to worry him.

“Just missing you both. Your dad always has so much to say.” You laughed a little remembering the brief meeting you’d had with him.

“We miss you too, love.”

“I’ll call you tonight.”

“Bye.” The line went dead and you hoped he understood what you were asking for.

You took a few breaths before getting back on your feet. You quickly opened a window and aired out the space before going up to find Lizzie. You spent the day by her side trying to make her laugh. When she’d get quiet you’d tuck in next to her and read. You found a great deal of comfort in being beside her and with the way she’d press a kiss to the top of your head or run her hand down your arm you felt she must feel the same.

That night, faceless men started following you in your sleep leaving you with the feeling that you were being watched. The phone rang sending you out of your bed and flying down the hallway. The ringing had stopped before you reached the phone at the bottom of the stairs. Moving into Tommy’s study you assumed he’d be giving Noah a hard time like he usually did. But it was silent. Your dad’s face was emotionless and cold as he looked up from his desk. He listened to whoever was on the other end of the phone.

“That won’t be necessary.” Swiftly he ended the call while putting out the cigarette dangling from his other hand.

“They are going to start closing in on us. No phone calls, no one in, and no one out of the house. You hear me?” His eyes were dark and for once you understood why people were so afraid of him. You froze on the spot your brain understanding what he was trying to say, but the rest of you only registered his tone. A wave of irrational panic started to shoot through you. He never talked to you that way ever.

“Do you hear me?” His words cut into you. “Don’t go calling Noah, just fucking forget him eh? For now. For both your sakes just fucking leave this alone.”

I fucked up. He blames me.

Memories of your late father's hand across your cheek became harder and harder to push down. Memories of the Priest at the orphanage with his hands around your neck flooded your mind.

Suddenly he got up from his seat and instead of running you decided to drop to the floor finally breaking eye contact. You tried to push him away as he picked you up and without a word he carried your shaking body upstairs. Your mind was racing in a hundred different directions accepting your fate, you squeezed your eyes shut. You heard a door open and then you were placed on a bed, but the sheets were wrong.

“What’s wrong with her.” Lizzie hissed and you felt her hands cradle your face.

“I may have shouted at her,” Tommy responded in an exasperated tone. He picked you up and placed you properly next to Lizzie.

“You shout at each other all the time?” She whispered, her cool fingers brushing the worry lines from your forehead. “Thomas,” She said in a tone that would wilt flowers.

“I’m fine.” You whisper. You felt the two of them get you under a blanket.

“Look, look at me.” He said softly. You shook your head, afraid to see that awful look in his eyes again. He said your name and Lizzie put her arm around you. You could tell by her sharp intake of breath that whatever she was about to say would be fatal. You opened your eyes and saw the version of him you were used to.

“Alfie and I don't have the best track record. He’s sold us out a few times, Eh? He works for the highest bidder. The last thing I want to see is you or the boy caught up in this. I don’t want either of you hurt. I know you will blame yourself for the rest of your life if something happens to him.”

Grace.

His words started to make sense, well, they always made sense. It was the way he said it that set you off. You nodded to show that you understood. He kissed your forehead and you made an unsuccessful effort to not jump away. The hurt in his eyes and the way Lizzie tensed up caused you to tell the truth.

“It’s not you. My dad- the priest - I - “ You took a deep breath. “I figured I was in for a beating. Just caught me off guard. You're fine. Thank you for caring about Noah.”

“Care is a bit much-”

“Thomas,” Lizzie warned. He let out a sigh, something flashed in his face and you assumed it was wonder about how he ended up here.

“What? Look, no one is putting their hands on you, certainly not me. And if anyone does I’ll kill them myself.”

You nodded and were grateful that those words ended the evening. You held his hand until you felt like you could doze off. Lizzie had fallen asleep again and you moved her arm off of you gently before kissing Tommy good night.

You fell asleep the moment your head touched the pillow.

Waking up your heart sank at the thought of not seeing or speaking to Noah for an undermined about of time. Sadness quickly turned into rage at the thought of some of the girls in your class moving in on him in your absence. With a huff of defeat, you got up and stuffed your feet into your slippers. Opening the curtain you were met with a positively gorgeous sight. The forest was coated in a heavy blanket of white snow.

Everything was pushed from your head momentarily as you ran through the house to find your parents. Loud voices were drifting up from the stairs and suddenly you were met with the whole family stuffed into the entryway. Swearing and shouting at the kids and where people's things were, the chaos only added to your high spirits.

“What's going on?”

“Movin' in!” Arthur boomed pulling you into a hug. The maids floated passed you to help bring everyone's things in. You naturally moved to Tommy’s side.

“Dad! Did you see the snow!”

“It’s hard to miss.”

“Can we go for a walk today?” You wanted to spend time with him just to ensure everything was good between the two of you. John came close and pressed his shoulder against Tommy’s before he could answer.

“Whole pack of cars just pulled up to the gate,” John said in a hushed voice. “M’ assuming it's for her.” He nodded towards you with a small smile.

“Why would it be for her-” Tommy stopped suddenly. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Knowing that look could only mean it was Noah, you moved passed everyone to set out onto the front steps.

It looked like the King was coming though. A whole parade of black cars rolled up and started pouring in from the gate. Without better judgment, you kicked off your slippers and tore down the steps in nothing but your nightgown and wool jumper.

“No! -” Tommy shouted but you saw the third black car slow down and Noah got out and started towards you. Everything was pushed from your mind as you ran through the snow-covered drive.

___

She jumped up and he caught her in a large embrace, twirling her around, her laugh echoing. They said nothing as he picked her up and started to carry her the rest of the way back to the house.

“So romantic isn't it?” Esme said and Tommy resisted the urge to put a hole in the wall.

“Young love. Can’t be stopped can it?” Lizzie said appearing out of nowhere.

“She must have mentioned what's going on. Brought the whole fucking organization by the looks of it.” Esme responded. Lizzie looked over to Tommy, his posture made her quickly grab his arm to lean against him.

“Not sure how they’re going to get back to London in this weather,” Polly stated the obvious with a devious smile on her face.

Noah carried her all the way up the stairs placing her on the entryway carpet.

“What are you doing here!” She said breathlessly, her face pink.

“Bringing Apples.” He answered easily. Her face lit up as everyone watched in confusion. Whatever it was it meant a lot to her.

Apples? - better not be some kinky shit or ill skin him alive. Tommy thought bitterly as Alfie came into view.

“Morning,” Alfie said looking pleased with himself. “Word on the street says the Shelbys are back under one roof.”

“Office,” Tommy said pulling Lizzie alongside him. Arthur and John watched Alfie closely as they all descended into the office.

__________

The office door closed and you looked back up at Noah still unbelieving that he was there. After carrying you all that way your flushed body was most certain of his close presence, but your mind was more stubborn. You thought maybe his dad would call if he heard anything. You didn't think he’d come all this way in a snowstorm. He kept you close and you were desperate to talk to him alone. A look that must have been obvious as Esme suddenly started herding you all into the Kitchens.

“Long journey like that requires a hot cuppa tea!”

The three of you sat at the table while the kids ran wildly through the house. She poured glasses of whiskey and hot tea before starting her interrogation.

“So all the way from London, that’s a long way for some tea.”

He chuckled and took a sip of the whiskey before answering.

“It's excellent tea.” He smiled at you and your face turned hot. “I heard that things were getting a bit dangerous in these parts. Thought the least I could do is ask around and come to help out.” His stare was intense as you realized the full extent of what he meant. He brought everyone here to protect you.

“Interesting and what did you hear exactly?”

“The Changretta family was taking a special interest in the whereabouts of the family. They came to us, the day before some Irish lads told us that you were all moving back to watery lane. You called later on saying things were dangerous.”

“And all the lads?”

“Wasn’t sure what type of folks you had protecting the place. Figured more wouldn't be a problem.”

“And your Da’ what’s in it for him?”

“Ah, that I’m not quite sure of. I’d like to think that they did it because I asked. But he and Thomas always seem to have something going on between them.”

Esme nodded satisfied with her answers.

“So you brought men - “

“And guns.”

“Men and guns, but how are the two of you going to get back to London.”

“Figured we join in on the fun.” He shrugged. Esme let out a laugh.

________________________________

“I told you this wasn't necessary,” Tommy said in a tense voice.

“Eh, the boy wouldn't shut up. He’s miserable when he starts. Just like his mum was.” Alfie said looking around.

“Why help us?” Arthur asked with clenched fists.

“Well, things are a bit different these days, no?”

“Not different to us. Kids in love or not, we still have history, and this isn't a time to be doing business.” John said responding before Arthur could get them into trouble.

“Irish boys are out on the street saying that the Shelby clan are moving back to Watery lane. Changretta are chasing every lead they get for information about you lot. Gave me an offer to help finish you off.”

“And?” Tommy said cooly.

“And I told them I’d see it done. The real question is how are we going to get back at them if we are holed up in the house?”

“The snow -” John started.

“-Will give us time to plan, but we’ll need to be ready once the roads clear.”

“Again why help us?�� Tommy asked.

“I have a business offer.” Tommy knew he wouldn't give more information with everyone in the room.

“You lot out.” He waved for everyone but Lizzie and Alfie to leave. Once the door was shut he waited for him to go on.

“Well, this gives me a couple opportunities. To spend time with your girl and also to ask about the passages you used to transport certain goods. I’ll assume you still know some people.”

“I’ll have it done,” Tommy said after a long moment.

“Thomas, I’m not sure I like where this is going. He’s a fucking mess without her.” Alfie said in a low tone.

“That makes two of us,” Tommy answered sternly.

“If I find out this is some big play to get back at me I’ll be sure you all pay a hefty price.”

“Trust me, this is the last thing I want her involved in."

The two men stared at each other for a long while.

“Deal.” Alfie put his hand out and they shook on it.

______________________

Soon enough the Sitting room was packed. You were very amused at Alfie and Noah being thrown into the mix. You sat next to him and you both kept a close eye on Tommy and Alfie leaving to speak in private with the boys every time information came in.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me?” You asked desperate for some fresh air and space to talk freely about what he’d said to Esme.

“Not sure that’s the best idea. Don’t want you to catch a cold.” He looked around the room giving away his actual motive.

“Sit outside on the steps for a bit?” You bargained. Somehow you both managed to slip out unnoticed and went to sit on the steps at the back door. Lots of camps were set up with big fires and people making jokes and laughing.

“So you know about these Changretta folks?” You watched his face closely as he thought about his response.

“Not really my place, love.” He lit a cigarette and avoided your eyes.

“Please? No one will tell me anything.” He let out a sigh and you leaned against his side, he wrapped his arm around you.

“They are an Italian family. Apparently, John killed off a guy for dating Lizzie a while back. Things went back and forth before they had their hands full with other things. Now Luca has come back to avenge his family by taking yours out.”

“And you are involved because of me?” You said weakly.

“Dad’s been trying to expand business in New York for a while now, plus he wants something from Tommy.” His eyes told you it was something else. “Even without that stuff, we’d be here. Not going to leave you alone when I know I can help.” You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. Enjoying the smell of cigarette smoke and the warmth of his hand on your cheek.

“Wait - John killed someone for dating Lizzie? What - wait what do you know about my family?”

“Erm- A fair bit, I suppose.” A dark feeling made itself present in the pit of your stomach. You mentally slapped yourself for not asking these types of questions sooner. You looked at him sprawled on the top stair smoking his cigarette. Revisiting Tommy’s words from the night before about how Alfie had sold them out.

What if you’d just brought the enemy into the house? What if that’s why he’s with you.

“Our families are more friends than they are enemies. I’m not interested in business, your dad worked hard to get his life cleaned up. I respect him for not wanting you to fall into all this.”

“Does that mean you’d leave it behind?” He leaned in closer to you and you suddenly wanted more than anything to kiss him again.

“In a heartbeat.” He kissed your forehead before helping you up.

___________________________________

Tommy sat at the table, a task that was already challenging with his family. Alfie and Noah were an interesting addition. He would never admit it but having them here wasn't as horrible as he thought it would be. Alfie was well-behaved, and for the first time, Tommy got the feeling that perhaps the two of them were getting old.

Most of the dinner was spent harassing the two teens. Noah took on the worst of it.

“Your dad is a right savage. He ever tell you about the time with the Russians? Savage.”

“Alfie,” Tommy warned.

“You should have seen them the whole lot of them acting like animals. We stole -”

“Alfie.” He said more sternly.

“Fine, but what about the time with the bear in the pub - that’s a right classic.”

“Bear in the pub?” Lizzie asked as Tommy finished the last of his drink.

“Nother time I suppose.” He scratched his beard. “Well, what about you love, what are you planning to do after school.”

“I erm - well I was thinking of pursuing accounting. Always jobs for that and I’m good with numbers. I haven't thought about it much.”

“Numbers, I like that. Smart girl, people like us always need clever accountants. Very sharp.” Alfie said cheerfully and Tommy hated how she was eating up his approval.

“If you were to be married -”

“Alfie” Tommy growled earning a laugh from Esme. Arthur looked positively distraught over the concept, reaching for the whisky bottle.

“We can save that for later I suppose. Hmmm well, there was how we first met - do you remember darling?” He looked over at Tommy and it wasn't unnoticed how annoyed he was.

“What if we don't tell stories tonight, eh?” Tommy suggested tensely. Alfie thought about it for a moment before turning to Polly.

“Are you really a gypsy queen? Does that make you sort of famous amongst your people?” He started again and Tommy was suddenly worried that they would run out of whiskey if the snow was actually going to stick for a full week. Esme seemed to find the whole thing hilarious often indulging him with stories and jokes. Tommy was grateful for her ability to keep things civil. Eventually, Arthur was looking slightly pickled and it was well past eleven.

He locked eyes with Polly and she asked a silent question.

Should we keep drinking, or go to bed?

Everyone hated the dining room, this was probably the most time they’d managed to spend in it, but moving to the kitchen was more a family-only type thing. Looking over to Lizzie answered the question well enough. She looked beautiful but exhausted.

“Bout time for bed eh?” Polly announced.

“Guess so. Help me with the stables?” Arthur asked you and you nodded looking slightly surprised. Which meant something was most certainly going on. There was no reason to help with the stables.

“Francis, can you show everyone to their rooms?” Tommy asked easily.

“Of course.” She answered.

Tommy watched as you gave Noah a hug, he whispered something in your ear that made you smile. Then you moved into the entryway to pull your boots on.

“Night.” Tommy nodded at Alfie.

“Night” He nodded back.

After helping Lizzie up to the room he went out the stables to see what the commotion was about. He followed the dark path to the stables.

“No way. No absolutely no. How? I just - you and Lizzie. Does Esme know?!” Your voice called out as he approached the door.

“Well, I’m sure it's been mentioned but let's not bring up the past eh?” John responded looking slightly pale. Tommy leaned against the doorway watching his two brothers attempt to lecture you. John sitting on a bucket as Arthur paced in front of you. You saw him standing there but decided to keep quiet.

“Anyway the point is. Lots of stuff between us and the Solomons eh.” Arthur started

“Can’t trust em” John added

“And trust me. I know exactly what you're thinking. Oooh he’s so handsome and he smokes cigarettes and his hair's all swoopy and he’s got nice muscles. He’s all mysterious and dangerous. Swoon, maybe I could change him.”

“You can't,” John said nodding.

“Absolutely can’t change him.” Arthur continued. “Now he’s here because he’s done business with Tommy. Once he’s gotten what he wants and this mess is cleaned up. He’s going to be on to the next lass.”

“You’ll be devastated.”

“So don't even think about sleeping with him. He’s probably fuck-” Tommy watched your face pinch up similar to the way it had before you fell to the floor the night before.

“That’s enough Arthur.” Tommy interrupted sharply. “I think she understands.”

You nodded hiding away the hurt in your eyes.

“How many random people have you guys killed?” You asked.

“I don’t know about random…” John mumbled

“Are we including the war?” Arthur asked. Tommy thought about the past and wondered if what you’d seen in your life would make you understanding of the choices he’d made.

“Okay so let me get this straight. Lizzie was a wh-prostitute, sleeping with Tommy then John wanted to marry her - but you ruined it - Gace - the Grace was gone, then back, then passed, and then you started sleeping with Lizzie again as her boss - and then you married her when she got pregnant - then got me when Ruby passed?”

“More or less” Tommy shrugged, seemed a bit over the top when it's all laid out like that.

“Wait till she hears about Gretta,” Arthur said quietly.

“And all the others in between-” John added before stopping himself.

“Do you love her?” Your voice was steady, and he knew you well enough to know you were gearing up for a fight.

“Yes.” He answered seriously.

“Promise?”

“Got you so she’d stay.” He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to say. “Ruby brought us together, but I think it was meant to be from the start.”

You nodded thinking for a moment.

“Do you think Alfie is here to kill us in our sleep?”

“No, I think Alfie’s here because he wants a piece of New York and wants Changretta out of the way.”

“Do you think Noah’s with me to ruin the family?”

“No. Alfie wouldn't send his son to his dirty work. I’m not sure of his intentions, but I don’t think they are related to the business.”

“So you think he likes me for me?”

“I think teenage boys are awful and cruel. For his sake, he better like you for you. Or we’ll handle it.”

“Either way you won't leave me?” Your eyes narrowed and he could tell it was difficult for you to get the words out.

“Never.”

“No matter how bad I fuck up?”

“Never.” He repeated. “That being said you can sleep in with Lizzie tonight.”

“Was going to sleep with Pol.”

“No.” He answered easily.

“Alright.” You said without fuss surprising him.

“Now is there anything else you both left out?” He looked and John and Arthur.

“Well, we could be out here all night-”

“Let’s not and say we did, eh?

They all piled back into the house and you followed Tommy up the stairs before going back to your room to change.

_________________

After getting ready in your bathroom you noticed that your bedding had already been moved. You slowly made your way to your parent's room down the hall. Getting close to the door you heard them talking.

“Well, how would you know what she thinks of me now?” Lizzie snapped. You decided to make your way in there to break up whatever they were arguing about.

“Probably no different than she’s always thought of you.” He mumbled as you came into the room.

Lizzie gave you a strange look and suddenly you thought back to how Arthur had spoken about her past. You stepped over your cot at the foot of the bed to climb up in between them.

You placed yourself against her side and enjoyed the way she embraced you.

“Are you frightened again?” She whispered, running her hands through your hair.

“No - well I’m not sure. I want to think Noah’s here for the right reasons.”

“I think he is darling. Try not to stress over it.”She placed a kiss on your head and you felt better knowing what she thought.

You considered going back to the floor but to put Tommy at ease you stayed between them dozing off.

#tv: peaky blinders.#c's fic recs.#fav.

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nosferalto · 6 years ago

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my mum wants me to make her a “quick” and “easy” one line drawing she can put on the wall, and she (+ my brother for some reason??) thinks I'm being stubborn when I try to tell her that I can’t do that

not only are one line drawings very difficult and require a lot of practice+studying, but it’s also not within my artistic ability?? I’ve never drawn a smooth line in my LIFE lmao I can’t just whip out a one line drawing on command just like that

I love my mum to bits, but I wish she’d understand that just cus I make some bad anime drawings in my free time, it doesn’t mean I master every single art technique out there,,

#vent #mum i would die for u but this isn't something i can do at the moment #she even suggested i look at an already existing artwork and copy it #like mum no #that's theft #she backed down when i explained it to her tho lol #frida rambles #i mean id LOVE to be able to do one line drawings #but i just cant

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kyunsies · 3 years ago

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madch madch <3 hello love!

how are you my love :D YAY I'M SO HAPPY YOUR COLD IS GONE OMG!! Do you feel properly better now? the sleep nose cloggs is the worst, i'm super glad it's gone for you.

YES for a whole month - like it makes me miss summer holidays when i was a kid and you could take the time off like that. do you ever feel like you didn't appreciate that stuff like when you were a kid? like being able to have long sleeps and stuff or just running about the mall with no consequence? we really do have the same situation going on! i just want to be able to buy my mum a better house and a better car and nicer holidays and stuff? like that small stuff which sounds a bit boring but like, idk that means more to me than the overly flashy stuff? like i'd love to be a mum one day but seeing how much my mum does sometimes i'm like... IDK if I could hack it you know?

ah wow ok! my school i really get what you say about catholic guilt as it's super similar from my cultural influences as well? YES like, it's bad to think too well of yourself, or just that you shouldn't do it? or you're gonna end up inviting bad things if you do think too much of yourself? i get really confused about it sometimes. like - almost like there's a difference between self love and thinking too well of yourself? and i can appreciate myself without ever thinking i'm too good at something etc? does that make sense? idk i'm worried about self love it if means it makes my ego bad and over arrogant and all that stuff? I GET YOU tho - it is that line between contentment and like feeling yourself to the point it's ... ick? it's hard isn't it?

THAT FACT STEALING TOILET PAPER WAS YOU USING BAD LANGUAGE omg do you see what i mean you are just so so so so pure of heart and sweet and thank you for being so kind <3 are you looking forward to going back to uni in some ways? or is it all general *internal screaming*? remember you're mega and amazing <3

omg we literally had a HUGE HEARTWAVE to the point where I have so many bites everywhere - i'm glad you've had a bunch of sun but YAY TINY TINY SQUAD!!!!!!! I AM 5'1" so yay to us being tiny together <3 I am always the tiny one too! i used to hate it but i like my height more now - and like the fact i can fit into kids stuff on sale? or like shoe sizes not being a problem? but then sometimes the sizing is a bit weird like you said before! YOU GET IT WITH THE BF JEANS. It is a neverending quest RN. I've figured out the size I can really get for them but so few stores make it :/ we will see how this saga unfolds. do you lampshade a lot with clothes? i find i always end up doing that even if i don't mean to haha XD

OKAY SO JO MALONE I like the smell of pomegrante noir but IDK if I'd wear it but the lime and basil is another fave of mine. I just really really don't like musky smells I'm with you with the citrus! like, stuff that reminds me of summer and fresh stuff? musk makes me feel like i'm walking into like a noughties teen clothing store i just can't hasjdakshd. like i hate lynx smells? WHY DO BOYS WEAR IT?

AHHHH OMG ok mutual blue moon love YES HELLO <3 <3 <3 I ADORE lofi jazz garage I honestly die/simp for that sound. like they dabbled a bit more with those vibes in OOAK and that's why I loved the new album so much I guess? just so so so beautiful. i just wanna drown in like the sounds of moonlight and suggestions of other things by candlelight or long city drives? does that make sense? ugh LOVE IT. getting up in my feels here hahahajsdkhasda

YAY HI TO YOUR MOM <3 I hope she's having a beautiful beautiful day too and that's getting rest as well! never worry about getting back to me late, I know you're so busy and that's always okay, love you lots and lots <3 <3 <3

-💥xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MY BEST PAL <33 hello my sweet, how have u been doing these days? i know i must sound like a record on repeat, but i miss you all the days that i don't hear from you, i'm always thinking about how you are doing ;____;

but YES after like ,,,,,,2 and a half weeks of being sick with the cold i am FINALLY over it :') it's not so much the stuffy nose during the daytime that annoys me it was the freaking clogged nose at night for the love of GOD i hate breathing with my mouth open it's so gross ;___; and sore throats ......... honestly i wouldn't wish a sore throat on my worst enemy lol like i'd rather have the flu for 2 days than a sore throat for a whole week ldkfjsdkf i'm such a baby <3

about being on holiday as a kid LOL IT WAS !!!!! the absolute best time !!! i know at some point we need to be functioning human beings in society lol but honestly at the age of like 13 where ur too young to work but u can't drive yourself anywhere ?? it's the best time (besides the driving part lol) bc you literally do not have one ounce of responsibility it's so great ;____; it's good to work and help ppl but i miss that too ....... and about our experiences with our single moms !!! pls this is all i want for her lol ; like u said nothing overly flashy but once i'm established i would like for her to live comfortably without being at the hands of someone else so i wouldn't mind like buying her a nice apartment ;____; when she was younger she traveled all the time and once i was born she coudn't do that with me bc she simply didn't have the money so she's always telling me after i graduate we should take a little trip to europe or go out west :( i think that would be so great :(((

OH GOOD OLD CATHOLIC GUILT LOL listen ..... there are a lot of things that the catholic church has done in the past that i don't agree with at all and stuff but ;____; i'm still grateful in some aspects bc my moral compass is like . a super big part of my life and it guides me to lead me away from decisions that aren't the best for me lol and i'm really grateful again for my mom for sending me to catholic school all these years :') and i think it's good to have this sense of humbleness (i hate ppl that are so boastful about themselves like truly no one cares sdjfslkf) but i do agree that catholic guilt can sometimes be a hinderance like i keep on saying i wish i had at least one ounce of self dignity SDLKFJ idk like u said it's a fine line between being humble and having no self worth :') i guess at the end of the day u need ppl surrounding u who make u feel like u are worth something and that it's okay to think positively about urself <3

honestly babe no ,,,,,, i'm not looking forward to going back to my final year of uni at all ;____; i don't know when i got like this but nursing school has literally scarred me to the point where i'm so anxious to even finish this year :( the ICU, my preceptorship, exams, finding and landing a job successfully before i graduate ???? i want it to all be over with so quickly but i'm so nervous for the future ahead of me ;____; will i get to where i am meant to be ???? i'm going to sOB IM NOT READY FSKDJFDS .............................

YAY TINY SQUAD LOL SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS !!!!!!! everyone on here is like boo hoo i'm 5'3 and im like ?????? ur inching near normal height shut up ?? SDKFJ :') truly shopping is so hard literally u can kill pants every fitting u perfectly unless u hem them and omg ??? pls explain to me what lampshading is LOL I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT TERM BEFORE ?? :o !!!!!!!!! but also yes almost all of my sneakers are kids shoes LOL JOKES ON TALL PPL WE CAN GET THEM FOR CHEAPER <3

and about jo malone !!!!!!!!!!! the lime and basil one i've had my eye on it omg !!!!!!! bc i love love the smell of basil :) i'm actually visiting my grandparents this weekend and we are going to the mall so i'm going to finally pick up a new scent !!! i've literally had the one i told u about for 2 years LOL but i also agree everyone loves musky scents for some reason but i don't lsdkfjs i feel like those heavy scents "weigh me down" ????? do u feel that way too? it's hard to explain :')

ALSO OMG OKAY you are my blue moon ride or die now <3 have never met a mbb yet who loves blue moon as much as i do LOL it's just *mwah* perfection ........... absolute perfection like it fits all moods its fresh its lowkey it's perfect and YES YES i felt heaven kinda had the same vibe ??? not so much the dark garage jazz sound but more of the light and airy garage jazz sound LKDFJS i know that sounds dumb but it's lighter and happier but has that same lofi sound i'm obsessed with <3

okay bubbie but YEAH mom and i are healthy now we are in good spirits and we are hanging in there !! again i'm sorry for getting back so late hun really i always want to respond right away but like i always say quality over any short answer hhhh <3 i hope u have a lovely rest of the week if i don't hear from u soon okay? always sending love and hugs xxxxxxxxx !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

#asks #💥 anon

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bxoken-heartss · 4 years ago

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@tu-sonrisaaa-te-amooo asked: Could you do the 8 and 17 fluff with Joel? tht would be cute (ik u hate him lol u could do zabdi if u want)

Lmao I don't hate him Bby..he can just be a bit dramatic sometimes...that's all 🙆‍♀️

Prompts: (I did a bit of alterations in it so excuse me)

“I want to dance through an army of fireflies with you.” (Prompt 8)

“My hand was made to fit into yours. That’s all there is to it.” (Prompt 17)

So Y/N is your name

~ ~ ~ means change of scenario.

✓ ✓ ✓ means the end.

So...ahem...this went a bit more than I intended it to go...I swore I would just write drabbles but I guess old habits die hard? So this is it? I hope you like it Dia! 💕😅 (oh new nickname alert)

This song is beautiful and sorta inspired me! 💕

- - -

Y/N and Joel were friends ever since they were little kids...They had met when Joel had gotten lost wandering around in a series of pet shops staring at pets (especially various dog breeds and puppies). When his senses had hit him..he understood he had gotten lost..he began to feel nervous and uneasy and let out childish sobs as he began to run around looking for his mother.

He barely paid attention to anything around him as he only focused in searching for his mother that which eventually ends up with him bumping onto someone.

"Ouch! Why can't you watch where the hell they are going?!" A voice speaks

Joel falls down as he looks at the person speaking...a little girl who held a husky in her arms on the floor angrily glaring at him

"I'm so sorry...I didn't..." He begins as he stares at the husky...

"It's fine...Just watch where you're going at least the- -" She begins

"Is that the Siberian Husky?" Joel asks interrupting her as he stands up

"I'm kind of offended that you interrupted me...But yes...yes it is.." She replies as she possessively holds her husky

"Can...Can I pet it?" He asks as he looks at the husky eagerly

"Well sure I guess..." She says as Joel begins petting the husky.

A few minutes later, the duo had already begun talking about...dogs things in general..

"Y/N! There you are!!" I was looking all over for you!" A voice speaks, tone concerned

"Oh..Mumma..I was just on my way back but then this boy bumped into me and apparently loves Zachary a bit too much.." She says as she points at Joel

And that's when our oblivious little Joel realizes that he was lost and was supposedly supposed to find his mother..not stand here fanboying over a husky.

His eyes widen as he looks around, searching for his mother a.k.a his official/ main intention...Panic strikes his system as he realizes he was obviously potentially lost..

"Are you okay Joel?" Y/N asks

"I'm LOST!" Joel replies as he looks at her letting out childish sobs

"Oh god...Mumma...Help him!" Y/N says

"Listen lil boy...we'll find your mother...do you like know her number or anything.." Y/N mother asks

"Yes..." He replies as he tells her the number letting out soft sobs

The husky jumps onto Joel's arms as it began licking his face. Joel stopped crying slowly as he began smiling a bit.

"Oh my god...He is just so adorable..." Joel says as he pets the husky

"Yeah...he seemingly likes you..strange..he's not pretty comfortable with strangers.." Y/N comments

Soon Joel's mother comes in, her eyes scanning around, her eyes instantly gleaming with happiness as she finds Joel.

"Joel!!!" She says as she runs over and hugs him, Zachary jumping out of Joel's arms onto the ground.

"Mumma!!" Joel yells as he hugs her, sobbing quietly

Y/N stepped away a bit letting them have their moment.

"Thank you for finding him! He's always roaming around..pet stores...or just everywhere in general...I'm so sorry for his careless actions...and all the inconveniences he has caused you..." Joel's mother apologizes

"Oh not at all...He wasn't a bother at all.." Y/N's mother reassures

"Joel...at least next time don't go around without telling your mum! If you want a pet come over to my place...We can play with Zachary together..." Y/N says as she smiles at him, holding her mother's hand

"Okay..I will." Joel says smiling at her as he pets Zachary one last time...

"Bye Joel! See you...well...soon?" She says as she walks off..

That was how it all began...After that, one day he had turned up at her place surprisingly...They were next door neighbours...And eventually they spent a lot of time together..which lead to their everlasting friendship which began at the age of 6..

~ ~ ~

"Joel...when am I going to see you again?" Y/N asks as she lazily sat on his bed whilst she helped him with her luggage.

"Around 9 months...I'll be back soon.." Joel says as he puts in another shirt

"Oh come on...that's technically the entire year!" Y/N comments as she rolls her eyes

"I swear I would have taken you if it wasn't for your Fashion Designing Course..If that had been completed..then you could have joined.." Joel says as he stuffs in something else

"Yeah yeah..it's important right...I'm going to miss you Jo..." She says as she looks at him

"Me too..I wish there was something I could do.." Joel says as he walks over towards her.

"Just promise that you'll facetime me before all your performances..and just text me once at least every day...send me those lame audios of yours...I don't care.." Y/N says as she holds his hand...

He was still here...not gone..why did he have to leave?

"Hey...I'll text you and call you everyday.. You're my best friend...If I wouldn't call you.. who else would I?" He asks as he holds her hand and hugs her

~ ~ ~

"Wow! That was a spectacular show right boys?" Joel asks obviously excited as he walked behind the stage...

"Yes..exhausted but overwhelming..." Richard replies as they walk into the room backstage

Zabdiel immediately falls onto the couch, Erick cools off, Chris begins to fix his hair

"God..Why hasn't Y/N even seen my message! She didn't even facetime me today or even call me! Isn't that just mean?!?" Joel comments as he slumps onto the couch

"Yes...call her mean and every other negative word you could think of Ho-eL! She brought her arse from miles away, sat on a 13 hour flight just so she could surprise her best friend and yet you call her that?" A voice speaks from behind him

"Wait...a minute..." Joel trails as he instantly turns behind and sees Y/N

"Y/N- - !!!!" His tone surprised and shocked as he leaps off the couch and hugs her, a few years falling through his cheeks in the rush of excitement.

"Curls!!" She yells as she hugs him.

They hug on forever none of them every wanting to let go...Until an intentional cough from the guys pulls them away

"Ah...err...Guys! Meet my bestie Y/N!" Joel says as he grabs her hand heading towards the boys

"We talked Curls...I talked to everyone and they all helped me hide...You guys were amazing...The performance was just fantastic!" She comments as the boys yell out a chorus of thanks

"Okay so everyone except me knew that you were here?" Joel asks

"Duh curls...I couldn't sneak into backstage without their help..." Y/N says referring to the boys.

Joel grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty room and pulls her into a hug again

"I'm so glad to have you here...Thank you for the support.." Joel says

"Wow wow...I never knew I'd see a sweet side of you Joel..." Y/N remarks

"Shut up and just hug me..." Joel says rolling his eyes

She returns the gesture as they kept hugging, an odd source of comfort filling both their veins.

~ ~ ~

"Joel...this is beautiful..." Y/N comments as she looks around the woods.

It was a small forest sort of place filled with thick green trees and a small river which gleamed with reflections of the littered stars that laid scattered in the skies.

"I know right..." Joel says as he looks at the river and at her..

They spent a lot of time making jokes and just talking about life...he had just returned from tour a few days before and thought he ought to spend some quality time with his best....friend...

He almost sighed at his own thoughts..he had begun to have feelings for her...but he didn't want to let them interplay..he didn't want to lose her...he needed her as a friend at least in his life..his feelings didn't have any part in this...but he couldn't help but wonder everytime she smiled..was she thinking about him? Did she think of him..as something more than a friend?

"Joel..Joel...HOEL!" Y/N yells.

Joel's eyes widen in shock as he falls off the log he sat on because of how loud she yelled and how distracted he was..

"Oh god...you are so clumsy sometimes Curls! Wait..actually all the damn time!" She says as she holds out her hand, Joel gratefully accepting her extended hand as she pulls him up.

"Look at that Y/N..My hand was made to fit into yours..” Joel comments as he sits up

Y/N face floods with a tint of pink as she nervously laughs it off..but never lets go off his hand..

"Of course you dummy...We are besties so god made sure it would work that way.." She replies uneasily

"Y/N I want to tell you something.." He says interrupting her from speaking further

An awkward moment of painful silence fills the air...

"What is it Joel?" She asks nervously

"It's.. it's..." Joel begins but his anxiety kicks in.

"If you don't tell her now...you'll never tell her or know if she felt the same.. you'll probably live in regret but you have to! " His inner voice encourages as he takes a deep breath

"I...I like you..." He breathes out

"I like you too Joel! You are my best fr- -" Y/N begins

"No Y/N...I like you more than a best friend.. you make me feel warm and mushy on the inside..I don't feel anything else around anyone else...You make me feel safe, happy. You understand me...We fight..but that's only because you care..but I like you in a different manner...You make me want to the cringy -est stuffs like taking couple pictures, share smoothies together, go on dates...and make me wanna dance with you in between an army of fireflies under the moonlight and what nots.. and to think that you make these cliché activities look normal...that's weird and definitely not something I feel one fine day.. I knew I always had these feelings..But I realized them...only recently...I understand if you don't feel the same..but just so you know I'll keep loving you..on and on..." He finishes off

"Who said I never had feelings for you Joel?" She asks "Every night... I'm just waiting and wondering if you have found someone that'll make you feel like that..Because why not? There are millions out there..prettier, hotter and just beautiful girls out there waiting for you so why would you choose me over them? Yeah... nothing.."

"Y/N I don't care...for you were..are the only girl I've had my eyes on...from the start.. today and forever..." Joel says as he holds both her palms. (I'm low-key swooning 🤧)

Before she could answer, Joel extends his free hand and pulls her up.

They walk over towards a place where the moonlight reflected brightly and the clear water flowing gently, causing small ripples as if it was singing a song.

"Well...can I have a dance with you?" Joel asks as he extends his hand out in a sorta gentleman style

Y/N nods softly as she takes his hand, his hand instantly softly interlocking with hers as she rests her free hand on his shoulder, his free hand holding a space above her waist securely..

As they began to softly dance in sync, an army of fireflies had encapsulated around them causing her to smile wide.

"Look Joel...True to your 'cliché' wishes..the fireflies are here..." Y/N jokes about it as Joel's face floods with a bright pink colour.

They enjoyed the overall aura, the silence suddenly turning comfortable...as they merely enjoyed each others' presence without any words being exchanged.

"So..Y/N..." Joel begins

"Hmm?" She asks as they continue dancing

"Will..will you be my girlfriend?" He asks nervously

Y/N stops dancing as she tries to catch Joel's gaze..but the boy would look at anyone or anything but her..

Y/N stood on her toes as she holds his face with both hands as she stares at his beautiful dark brown orbs, her eyes filled with nothing but love..that too only for him.

Joel looks at her nervously and before he could speak anything, she softly presses her lips against his. He instinctively bends down a bit to reach upto her height as his hands wrap around an area a bit above her waist.

She pulls away, Joel's arms still firmly fixated above her waist as he looks at her

"Did that answer your question Pimentel?" She asks, her tone filled with sassiness

"For real Y/N?" He asks in disbelief

"Yes Joel..For real...I promise you...I'll be there for you..." Y/N says as Joel smiles

"I love you Y/N.." He says

"I love you only..Joel Pimentel.." Y/N says as Joel pulls her in for another kiss.

✓ ✓ ✓

The Ending kinda sucked tbh...but anyways hehehe... I'll try to improve! 😅🙃

#joel pimentel #cnco #christopher velez #richard camacho #fluff #oneshot #zabdiel de jesus #erick colon #fiz's works

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dangerliesbeforeyou · 2 years ago

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ok so... where do i even begin to talk about how much of a travesty this versions of great expectations is?!?

(btw i have written like a 7000+ word long essay complaining about it which i may edit and post at some point but for now i'll focus on the finale lol)

ok so first of all (spoilers btw not that anyone following me losing my mind of this series even cares but... this is major spoilers for the finale lol) pip inexplicably marries biddy lol... and the whole message they're obviously going with (that's been literally shoved down our throats for the entire run time of the show) is that pip is better off in a simple life than the complicated and unrewarding life of being a 'gentleman'... so he marries biddy, turns down estella (whose character randomly changes right near the end like ??? huh ??) and that's just... that's it lol...

pip has like a few months (it's unclear how long he's in london for but it can't be that long) in london where he becomes addicted to drugs & alcohol and depressed, and then returns to the forge to become a blacksmith and marry biddy (not before magwitch and compeyson die though... more on that in a mo lol) and like ?? that's it lol... because pip learned that money is bad actually and it's better to be poor or something and like... in any other situation, i wouldnt even mind this as an ending lol

do i think it's unnecessarily simplifying themes within dickens' original story? yes. do i also think that there was a way to go about this that felt more nuanced and cleverly crafted? double yes! but would i have enjoyed it IF it had been an original drama? also, YES! the issue is that this is pretending to be a version of great expectations when it clearly just... it's not lol!

ok anyway here are a few funny/dumb things from the finale that i can remember:

pip says something like 'joe's knees have left him' in reference to joe not being well enough to tend the forge and me and my mum just started laughing at the image of joe's knees independently running away from him lol

'you get him to come outside, i'll blow him to hell' - line from magwitch about compeyson which felt kinda gay ngl... like if this was a better drama i would be ALL about the cat and mouse dynamic of these two... like they chase all around australia to find each other, constantly either pointing a gun at and/or desperately punching each other like the fanfic writes itsELF (they also died lying next to each other with their hands next to each other hashtag love wins lol)

they had miss havisham change her clothes which like... completely defeats the point of her character (she also has a Girlboss moment when she shoots compeyson and then says a witty one liner that could rival a marvel movie lol) & it's only in this final episode we get any kind of emotion from her that isn't... evil cackling man-hating witch lol

(also she doesnt die in a fire rip... well... not rip... lol)

she also makes out w/ compeyson and then they have an altercation and she ends up setting fire to the bed, and she comes down and is like (to pip and estella) he's upstairs and has a gun! but at no point mentions that there's a fucking FIRE in the house lol honestly the funniest fucking thing ever lol

estella's character is just bizarre lol... i thought the ENTIRE point of this version was trying to give her agency, but they make her just be exactly like the book version in the end and i just ??? what was the point in having her refuse drummle (and herbert) if u were just gonna go the same thing to pip idkidkidk...

also jaggers spent the entire time forcing pip to do shit to get by in london including losing all his money, introducing him to opium and death and deceitfulness etc, but in the end when pip's like 'oh i'm gonna b a blacksmith after all' he's like 'k cool' lol... like ?? what was the POINT of the last 4 and a half episodes?!?

herbert wasnt even in this episode which was honestly a godsend lol.. and wemmick was there for a few mins (and may have been there at the end but honestly i cant be bothered to go back and check lol) and is there to offer comfort to pip but pip lashes out lol

my biggest problem which i have mentioned time and time again is that pip is such a twat of a character lol... he's miserable the entire time regardless of who he's talking to, he barely talks to anyone and when he does he makes the most bizarre remarks ever lol, he never really apologises to joe for being a complete dick to him... ultimately he's unlikeable and no disrespect to the actor (and i mostly blame the script tbf) but he just comes across as pathetic and gormless, and not in a poor little meow meow way lol

anyway i've rambled enough here lol... this series has honestly broken me... i am a broken man

only good thing is that it's reminded me how much i love the original story and characters lol!

fucking hell

#it may be closer to 8000 once i add the stuff from the finale lol...#let me know if i should post it lol... like i probs will anyway but i'd like to know if people would actually read my rambles lol #or... well... more of my rambles lol #anyway thanks to everyone for coming along with me on this very cursed journey <3

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imaginebeatles · 5 years ago

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hey, I hope this isn't too personal that it makes uncomfortable,but I'm kind of starting to learn about my sexuality and knowing that you're asexual I was just wondering how you figured it out, u know that ur asexual, and this might be the stupidest/longest question you've aver got but like if you fell in love with someone does things change and how did you deal with it?

No! It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I know how tough it can be trying to figure things out and having someone tell about their own experiences can really help. This answer may end up being a little rambly (figuring stuff out was confusing for me and took years). This answer is long, so I hope it’ll help you.

If you have any questions, message me. I don’t mind talking about it :)

Basically, I never really questioned my sexuality at first. I grew up in a very open-minded household (my mum’s bisexual herself) and I always figured that I’d fall in love with whoever I fell in love with. If it was a girl, then it was a girl. If it was a guy, it was a guy. I never really experienced sexual feelings towards anyone, but I did like the idea of romance and intimacy (still do) so I figured it would come later when I met the right person. Sex was always taught to me by my parents and school as a natural thing that everyone will engage in and that you’ll start feeling those desires when you’re older. For me, I thought sex was weird (the idea of actually doing it or people actually having done it kinda seemed very weird to me), but it still interested me and I liked reading smut fics and having private me time ;)

When I had my first serious crush at 16/17 however, things got... complicated. He was a friend of mine from school and we began hanging out more during a school trip to America, at which point I began to slowly realise I kinda fancied him. However, even though I wanted to hang out with him and be with him and touch him (hold hands, etc.) and kiss him, I never thought about him in a sexual way (I tried once but had to stop after five seconds because... no). At that point, I had started to learn more about lgbt+ stuff (although my country is accepting, they can do a lot better in terms of education. basically all our sex ed was about heterosexual sex with one a few lose comments along the lines of “sometimes girls like girls and guys like guys” but nothing more in depth than that. The joke was mainly that you didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant.)

Nothing ever happened between me and the guy (we went on a double date once and flirted a little, but we were both too shy to do anything, and right now I’m kinda glad, seeing as I didn’t know I was asexual yet and having a romantic relationship would have made that whole thing so much more difficult), but it got me to question my sexuality, especially because I realised that even though I liked girls and thought they were beautiful and had strange feelings sometimes, I never wanted to have sex with them, but neither did I want to have sex with guys, making me question if I was bi again (which I am) (also, at this point, people kinda started thinking I was gay (friends and family), so that got me thinking too).

At this point, I knew about the asexual label, but I didn’t fully understand it (there was a lot of ace discourse happening back then, which didn’t help at all with making me feel like I was experiencing a normal thing). Having always been taught sex=love=sex, I thought that if you were ace you couldn’t have a relationship with anyone and would never be able to love anyone. I really did not want to be asexual, not wanting to die alone. Now, I know this is, of course, complete bullshit, but I was still figuring stuff out. I did find the gray ace label at that point, which offered me a bit more freedom, so I adopted that privately when I started university two years later, though I never came out to anyone.

At uni I came into contact with other lgbt+ people and we had a lot more academic discussions about gender and sexuality too, which made me question a lot of stuff again. I did more research on both gray ace and asexuality, and got more confident with the gray-ace label. On a holiday to London with one of my closest friends, I came out to them, and we talked and while she didn’t understand it, it did help me think about it more. That was the summer before my third year of university, which I would spend abroad in Edinburgh. Before leaving, I did more research on asexuality and got a more thorough understanding, and finally realised that maybe asexual described me better, so I adopted that label for my exchange year. There, I also didn’t come out, but I did more research and used the label privately for myself for half a year, before I finally came out to @chut-je-dors when I was certain it fitted me. I talked with her about asexuality and she kinda understood. That’s when I fully realised and accepted I was asexual.

Coming home that summer, I told my mum, who started to learn more about it too and then my step-dad. Then, last spring I accepted I was bi too, and that’s kinda where I’m at right now. I’m “out” in the sense that if anyone were to ask about my love life or sexuality, I would tell them, but because I’m generally quite private, I haven’t really told anyone else yet.

I’m sorry if this was rambly and i don’t know if any of what I told you will help in anyway, but basically, for me, it was a relatively long journey. I was lucky to grow up in an accepting environment, but still the lack of information and the negativity around asexuality really did not help me accept myself. I still struggle with it sometimes, but now I do like being asexual. I wouldn’t want to change it. It’s just who I am and I don’t miss it.

I did a lot of research on the internet (AVEN is a great resource, as well as youtube videos), and talked about it with people who I could trust, even if they didn’t know anything about asexuality themselves. But yeah, I really didn’t know I was asexual until I was 21 and even then, I didn’t fully accept myself completely until quite recently at 22/23. University was especially a struggle at times, because of certain courses I took where this kinda stuff around my sexuality came up, but it forced me to really look within myself and analyse myself and listen to what exactly i wanted, both in a relationship and sexually.

The important thing to keep in mind is that asexuality is a broad umbrella term and everyone’s experiences are different. People’s attitudes to sex are different, as well as if they still want a romantic relationship (I do, though I only experience romantic feelings for someone I have an emotional connection with) or not. Also, some things that you may be taught are sexual, aren’t necessarily that. I’m a very sensual person when it comes to romantic relationships and I love intimacy and closeness and touching, but actual sex is a big no for me (though I’m open for negotiations, as I may have forms of sex to satisfy my partner and for closeness with them, but it’s about intimacy, not sex. I can get it through other ways too). This means that my experience of sex is different from others, even if the act itself is similar. Lots of ace people also have kinks for example, but it’s about emotional trust and connection (or something else), rather than sex itself.

In terms of romantic relationships... I’ve only ever really wanted to date one guy and I didn’t. However, being in love didn’t change anything for me. I still liked him romantically, and I still see people who I fancy romantically or sensually or aesthetically. It’s just that I don’t want to have sex with them. However, as I’m quite neutral about sex, I’d be able to negotiate something with my partner if they want, but this depends on the partner as well as personal boundaries, which differ from person to person. Also, I didn’t really feel like dating anyone until last summer, because that’s when I figured out what kind of relationship I want. Now that I know who I am and what I want, i’m more comfortable putting myself out there and getting a romantic partner.

Asexuality can be rather frustrating when it comes to dating, however. It makes it a bit more complicated, because you have to be sure you’re compatible in bed as well. That doesn’t mean you can only date ace people when you’re ace, but it requires good communication. However, anyone should probably have good communication with their partners, so to a certain degree, I’d say it’s better because it forced you to do this. The important thing is to know what you want and what your boundaries are. But really, in terms of feelings towards another person, it’s not that different. I just don’t want to have sex with them, but I still want to be with them and do all the other stuff couples do. Sex is not a requirement for a good and healthy relationship :)

Aside from this, I had some very ace moments of walking with my friends in the streets and not noticing cute guys, because it’s not what I’m thinking about, or feeling weird when people bring up their crushes or sex life, because it seems so foreign and strange. Sometimes the idea that people actually have sex is still a bit weird to me. I just don’t have that desire with other people.

Anyway, I hope this someone helped you, at least a little bit. If you wanna talk more, please don’t be afraid to message me. Figuring out your sexuality can be lonely and I sure wish I had someone to talk about it back when I was first questioning myself. Just take your time and don’t worry too much. Stuff will make sense eventually.

#asexuality #personal #answered

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thefuturewifeofsarahpaulson · 7 years ago

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I love Supergirl 3x12

Ngl this episode was a real turn around for supergirl (not just bc of the supercorp gold) but i loved it. Melissa Benoist is so great as Kara it makes me cry. She balances the naivete (i dont know how to spell) of kara and her strength and dedication as well as her empathy and need to take care of those around her and damn is it just awesome. I relate to her and always have as a character whether you think she's gay or straight etc. She shows characteristics that anyone who's felt isolated,abandoned and without hope can relate to and shows that you can get through it even if it still lingers.

Trauma can be so subtle and then just weigh down on u at the drop of a hat and the idea of supergirl in general and this season shows that. It makes me so happy to see complex emotions played on screen especially for a female character. We never get to see how anger really affects women. Maybe in terms of a fight with a love interest but the anger at being oppressed and undermined as well as anger from trauma are never touched upon. Women aren't allowed to show realistic responses to trauma a lot of the time in media and supergirl has always shown that.

I know supergirl has made ppl irritated (trust me, i never wanna watch an interview again) and pissed off but i really don't want to see it get cancelled.

If it gets cancelled then what does that do? We got angry abt mon el so they cut his screen time and made him less irritating, lema gets to have a complex story and episodes centred around her, winn is getting a centric ep, alex and sam are gonna have something happen (probably) or we get to see alex be there for ruby which will be interesting as fuck. Mehacad gets to play chraming and james gets to be giardian more recently (still more improvememt needed there).

When theres a group of dudes directing and writing a show abt strong women or different sexualities and races (ik sg isnt very diverse at all and that should change) then they will make mistakes. "For good " had a female director.

A step in the right direction.

Telling writers to die and calling misunderstanding male writers terrible or misogynistic bc they wrote a shitty dude in a cw show isn't the way to go. We just look insane. It's a cw show, they want teen girls who cant get their boyfriends to shave their neck beards to drool over mon el and tune in every week with their mums. That's why he's there! He's bait and somehow turned into an annoying love interest. They could have done so many things differently ! And they are. There are improvements to be made but with the success of black lightning hopefully the cw's other shows will follow. We can hope and compliment progress and be fans who promote the good shit rather than nit picking. Draw guardian fan art and tweet the shit abt it as much as we do supercorp. Even if they wont acknowledge subtext the increased screen time for it shows they know the relationship (even as friends) is important. We're spending more time on shit thats never gonna happen rather promoting more of what we got. Tweet abt the lena centric eps so much (with less of calling katie mcgrath a dyke), tweet abt how cool guradian is and the stunts, how great kara's reactiom to lena being poisoned was

Tell the world that you think agent reign is cute as shit .

We need to build up rather than break down bc ship wars are always gonna be seen as insane.

Becausee they are.

Everyone ends up thinking the lesbians are crazy bc of a bad few and rampant homophobia on the other side gets ignored bc someone tweets at married actresses that they should raw their female costars in an instagram livestream.

It happens in every fucking fandom and i get it dont get me wrong, i'll look at anti-mon el memes til my lungs give out ( bc they're hilarious ) but damn we need to quell some of the hatred bc it won't get us anywhere.

It's not everyone and i'm not innocent but progress breeds progress and progress rn now would be to chill.

(Also can we stop calling actresses dykes bc even if they were out as lesbians that's not a cool word like we aren't throwing fag around abt male actors we think r gay)

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do-you-have-a-flag · 7 years ago

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racism isn't unintentional, they were well aware of what they were doing when they reduced poe to harmful stereotypes and sidelined finn in favor of white ppl, and it was a deliberate and homophobic choice to make everyone straight, none of this is unintentional which is kind of the entire issue and they do not deserve leniency or forgiveness and im glad that it's reflected in audience reviews b/c frankly LGBT and fans of color didn't like it for good reasons dont invalidate that b/c ur white

“at this point im so distracted by the homophobia and racism that every single character being out of character is just like the icing on the cake, like have your opinion on the movie but don’t be surprised that fans we’re digging the blatant racism and homophobia (and seriously, never again say they meant well when writing in racists tropes, thats fucking gross dude)my mood is u using “or*entalist” while trying to explain that you’re not ignoring the racism in the fandom… you literally said it was good intentions gone wrong that led to the racism we saw on screen, it wasn’t! it was white dudes who loved kylo ren as much as every other white person and hated all of the poc in the movie, if lgbt/poc fans are saying the movie was shit you know they’re saying that b/c we got shafted so dont be like “well it had good parts” like who cares, it was bigoted”

firstly: I use the term orientalist in the context of the racist exotification of east asians by western countries, england and america have a history of this, so does australia, I’m specifically addressing that exact form of appropriation as opposed to, for example, the appropriation of black culture, it was an attempt to conjure up specific associations to make a point and i’m sorry i wasn’t clear enough in my use of the word I assumed i would be understood but I should have worded myself better.

like i said before, I can’t speak for the entire lgbt community by from my tiny place in it and for myself I never expect a mainstream genre film coming out at this point in time to give us anything more than maybe audience baiting, tv shows have more freedom but even Star Trek, a franchise of similar standing to star wars, only managed last year to make canon gay characters a thing that wasn’t subtextual and it was only a few seconds of screentime. Is it disappointing and frustrating? Absolutely! we need to keep pushing for representation. but i wouldn’t call it’s exclusion homophobia but rather a result of the inability for the franchise to go beyond what’s safe in representation due to the homophobic culture of the west and in overseas markets (such as china).

If we’re going to change this garbage representation we have to think nuanced about it, individuals can be pressured to change but we have to understand who they answer to. Money is of course the root of all this, the fear of losing their biggest over seas market is one thing, if Disney owned Marvel movies edit the race of their character to avoid losing Chana’s audience don’t you think that Disney owned Star Wars might be in the same shitty position in terms of LGBT content? You don’t think that a franchise so entrenched in military skirmishes that WARS is in the title might have some other motivations that we need to examine critically? after all the Pentagon funds movies provisionally based on how positively they show militaristic content, and space fascists aside let’s not forget it is about generals and fighter pilots and bombardiers. there are a lot of institutions at play here in the influencing of how the movie show’s it’s content. it’s not just one man it is many making these bad decisions.

And as for racial representation as i stated i love the casting personally of poe and finn and rose, and the various resistance members, but I cannot speak on their characterisation and stereotypes and would like to see the arguments against them laid out because this really is the point i have least perspective on.

Racism based on skin isn’t something i face because growing up in australia my mum immigrated here after the white australia policy was already ended, australia is still a racist country and the type of racism my mum and i faced was based on accent and sterotypes about “wogs” and horrible nationalism and islamophobia. SO I don’t get a say in if it’s bigoted or not. But I do want to be able to talk to people who, because of my weird accent assume i’m american, will let their guard down enough for me to amplify the voices of people of colour concerned about this film. I want to be able to talk to people who because of my presentation of femininity assume i’m straight, will let their guard down, and i can talk to them and about why i think lgbt representation is important and should have been in this film.

my enjoyment of a movie doesn’t make it morally pure, i don’t believe any movie is morally pure, but i think we have to rate these things complexly and I care that it had good parts because kids deserve to see themselves in fun genre movies and this film was a baby step and coul have been better but if people keep buzzing about the stuff they want then the garbage money driven execs might be less resistant next time around

star wars is too big a franchise to die, it survived the prequels after all, so we have to be SPECIFIC with our criticisms if we want change.

listen, you seem determined to hate me and that’s fine, I’d rather you didn’t but you don’t have to like the movie that’s okay.

bigotry is pervasive in many cultures, we have to get rid of it, and your anger and frustration is an important part of that.

but i’m only gonna respond with my thoughts and feeling and my thoughts are that if we wanna fix things we have to be clear and nuanced in our discussions before we outright dismiss this type of film, my feelings are that it’s fiction shaped by the climate it was made in and the responses to it are also shaped by that climate and from my position in al this i have some criticisms but overall don’t think it is the be all and end all battlefield for representation.

anyway, another bias i have is i assume that people working on a franchise they love are gonna go in with good intentions, they have their own blind spots and biases that result in bad writing and casting decisions. being aware of these things is not excusing them it’s putting them in context. wanna change it? write about it. be clear. make a vlog. record a podcast. you sent me a message and that amplified your words so that’s a good step forward but you’re still being really vague be more specific

i agree with your concepts but not your specifics because you’re being too general with me.

i don’t appreciate your tone because i have, you know, emotions, but my emotions aren’t what matter here, i still see what you’re saying and while i don’t agree with how you’re coming at it i think you’re being hyperbolic based on truths. they should have done better.

listen, i don’t know who you are but i’m not here to fight you, hey, what would you recommend I watch instead in terms of film? I can think of some decent scifi and fantasy content that have POC character and/or LGBT content in terms of tv that i have and haven’t watched (luke cage, star trek, the exorcist, raising dion, sense8, Shadowhunters) but it’s not enough and in varying levels of quality but if you have movie recs you think are good on this measure i wanna hear them because everyone deserves good scifi and fantasy stories

#Anonymous #long post

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punkscowardschampions · 6 years ago

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Edie & Diego

Edie: Aygo! I got a pitch, you buying? Diego: give me more to go on Edie: oh yea, you too young to know how it usually goes on casting couches, my bad lil homie Edie: you got any super 8 atm? Diego: Can get some Diego: a day or two? Edie: what u gotta clear ur schedule big man Edie: u on ur business boi respect Edie: well, i think we could do most of it in a day buuuuuuut i gotta secure a car to trash and i haven't convinced iggy he don't need that fuckin' hippie van so that'll be another day as and when, ye? Diego: I can give you that Diego: on your own with the car situ Edie: ye ye ye i won't get u in the shit Edie: what kinda big sister would i be?! Edie: but, similar vein, don't tell mum and dad where we shooting okay Edie: you'll be safe with me but they'd never sign off on it ya feel Diego: understood Diego: where we going? Edie: don't u like surprises? 😜 Diego: hard no Diego: get a car that goes so we can store the equipment before killing it I'd like that Edie: What about ones you can't hear, better or worse? cos I've got some fireworks that might be cool Edie: you don't like surprises but you wanna DIE Edie: boi i can't drive! Edie: I'll see if I can get someone to take us but if not, hitch ur wagon to my pushbike Edie: just like old times n'awwh Diego: I'll steer you do the pedals Diego: fireworks smell bad but I won't do fart jokes if you want the colours Edie: if we find a motor that runs Edie: know there's one that the O'Dwyer lads left under that dodgy underpass Edie: but I say we got only so long 'fore that's completely fucked/burned out Edie: time's a wasting boyo Diego: Can be ready day after tomorrow if you are Edie: not a cult classic but how you rate it? jake's usually a fittie but he's pretty dorky in that Diego: the special effects were bomb for the era Diego: I can give you the same commercial success with my skills Edie: dope 💎 Edie: i'll storyboard lowkey for u but i'm happy for it to be mostly in the moment real shit Edie: u can use editing magic after if ur so inclined lil dude Diego: send me the song Diego: I'll get a feel Edie: hoe u best hop on my soundcloud rn Edie: gimme them listens Edie: EDieM as you clearly forgot 😤 Edie: newest track on there Diego: I remembered how to sign it, giving you that promo to my friends, but yeah Diego: confusion Diego: you're you're name sign to me Edie: 🙌 ayo, jokes aside about being a musician with a load of deaf fans Edie: always amping that bass up so should be feeling it literal Diego: capitalise Diego: nobody else is Diego: take the silent disco concept and make it fresh Edie: 💸💸💸 Edie: i'm into it Edie: fuck the mainstream, making music for the kids at places like ur school n mine n all the other's who a lil fucked up Diego: Put that into your storyboard Edie: 😏 Edie: mightbebreakingintomyschool Edie: itseasyandriskfreedoneitbefore Edie: hey, d'ya reckon we could get our hands on some hearing aids and shit Edie: not about to suggest we break into your school, more to nick=not worth it Diego: Old people's home? Edie: yassss Edie: shame our grandparents are young as shit and we love 'em enough not to do it to 'em Edie: i'll give 'em a free performance, they'd LOVE that Diego: ma has my baby stuff kept cos she loves me real deeply Diego: won't be enough but its a start Edie: 🙄 lowkey a hoarder Edie: imma make billie n her go round all the antique shops, keep an eye out for those real old school ear trumpets Edie: that'd be sick Diego: my teacher has one of those! ill ask if we can borrow it Diego: he loves showing it around Edie: 👏 i've got a vision so hard now Edie: u can ask if any of ur friends wanna be in it but we'll have to do that 'round here Edie: look like pied piper paedo taking too many of yous away on a jolly Edie: esp. with a 🎥 in tow Edie: lord help me Diego: I'll do seamless cuts Diego: there's a girl that NEEDS to be in it Edie: I see how it is Edie: ur REAL muse Edie: better not be too cute, stealing my shine Edie: i'm the ⭐ remember Diego: Understood Diego: She's a good singer if you do need backup Diego: [Sends her soundcloud] Edie: oooooookuuurrr lil mama Edie: i see u Edie: if she's down then we can make it happen sure Edie: get you your boo thang 😍 Diego: I'll ask Diego: don't out me Edie: gon' get all shy? Edie: use your director swag Edie: just don't get #metoo wid it, Tarantino, alright? Diego: She's shy Diego: and with that voice Edie: or playing it Edie: best be chill then lil one Diego: You think she's faking coy? Edie: meh, might be too young to know how Edie: but that's what girls do Diego: do you? Edie: i'm not telling u all my signature moves! Edie: depends Edie: lots of lads don't like it if a girl is funnier, more mouthy and opinionated than they are, if that's what you're after, then sure Edie: some boys want that at the start, so they can 'tame' you and have that on their ego, so you end up pretending later Edie: but you'll get it as you grow Diego: Everyone's thinking too hard Diego: I just like her, she's nice and funny and talented Edie: you sweet sweet child Edie: don't ever grow up k Edie: once u hit 10, 11, you'll be a right dickhead Edie: always happens, the girls usually a bit before 'cos we're always ahead of yous Diego: Are not! Diego: and I'll be sick when I'm older you mean Edie: are so! Edie: we'll see Edie: not in my experience but prove me wrong Diego: I'll be the first Diego: Be ready Edie: 😂 believe it when i see it Edie: guess Junie isn't so bad but that's 'cos he's gay Edie: its different Diego: He's not? Edie: oh yeah shh Edie: keep that under your hat Edie: deal with that one later Diego: more importantly Diego: half the school want to be in this Diego: they're telling me Edie: ✋ hahaha yes brotha Edie: can do so much more with a full cast Edie: i'll make sure its fun, even if they can't come for the illegal bits Edie: love these kids, so hype 😂 Diego: im loving the song Diego: Feeling it Edie: forreal? Edie: u can be brutal, my ego can take it 😉 Diego: don't need Diego: it's bomb Edie: knew u was my fave Edie: feel free to rub it in w the others Diego: They'll state me a liar Diego: but you're on to something with these beats and you need to be told Edie: i got ya back Edie: i'll start bein a real cunt to 'em sharpish, like Edie: no room for doubt lmao Edie: gotta when u gassin' me up so hard Diego: ulterior motives Diego: can I use some of the footage for school Diego: If it turns out it's one less essay Edie: 'course you can Edie: its probably not all gon' be sfw, don't need the 'rents saying i got u in shit as prev. mentioned, but the salvageable shots, go for your life Diego: I'll do extra editing don't want you in the same trouble Diego: I'm trying to film what we do much as the whole fam'll stand it Diego: personal project Edie: Fair 'nuff, fill your boots Edie: I ain't camera shy Edie: And Rio and Gracie can't pretend they are either Edie: always pouting looking like braindead fish 😂 Diego: Got a mountain of footage of them already Diego: Only been doing a few days sly Diego: I want Billie's vibe but I can't catch her Diego: Iggy same Edie: Shoulda known 😂 Edie: yeah good luck with the rest, either too busy for the fam or moody lil fuckers Edie: take ya pick Edie: self included usually obvs but you know, wanna do this music thing proper so Edie: got 🍀 kid Diego: arrgh Diego: facts Diego: I'll keep at it Diego: maybe I'll strike it with them Edie: get gus to round 'em up Edie: hard to say no to Diego: Now that's an idea Diego: Bound to work Edie: i'd pay for that energy Edie: i do 😂 Diego: hahahah Diego: put a price on it Edie: if i could bottle what he has i'd be laughing Edie: don't give a shit what nobody thinks man, what a cool kid Diego: his piss bottles itself some of the time Diego: you're there Edie: ya nastys Edie: secured a ride Edie: ur equip is welcome Edie: but i gotta go now, favour fo' favour Diego: I'm in too then Diego: don't do anything I wouldn't Edie: 👌 Edie: like i said, don't grow up Edie: need that childlike wonder for my vision Edie: catch you on the flipside mofo Diego: not in my plans Diego: enjoy yours

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