#mostly Tomas
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Reflecting on. Some stuff. Possibly could be under the label of "psychiatric trauma?" But I'm still grappling with that. Talk of that, and a brief mention of suicide.
I'm struggling with this idea, an idea that I am fairly sure has mostly been implanted in me by my history with psychiatry, psychiatric treatment, special education, et cetera. It's hard to summarize or simplify.
Most of my life, I have been told that my problems should only be handled, or that I should only be handled, by trained professionals. My mental health struggles were "severe" and I "need to consider the impact I make on my peers." Of course this has been present a lot through most of my life. I didn't talk to peers or teachers about problems I was going through, because either it would alienate me from them, or I would be given a talking to about what's appropriate for me to talk about, or I'd have to sit in a little room with the school psychiatrist and talk about whatever it was that I wished to talk about with someone who was not her. But I guess I didn't fully comprehend this sort of...isolation, or treatment, until my first real suicide attempt. It was the first time I had really been sent to full inpatient, though I'd been to partial hospitalization a few times at that point. I remember being scared. I remember being lonely. I didn't have any of my familiar clothes or belongings. My first visitor was my school principal, accompanied by my birth mother. He met with me in one of those smaller meeting rooms, and he told me that I wouldn't be having any visitors from the school. He was worried, he said, that my choices could influence an already fragile school population, that I may drive others to attempt as well if they saw the state I was in.
After that I never actually went to that school again. I was only there for a couple months before the litany of partials and inpatient stays, and eventually two different special education institutions. Both were meant to be temporary. They were staffed with around three staff members, clearly psychiatric-focused, who struggled to teach us basic education between therapy groups and coping skill classes and DBT sessions. They treated us with a distance and unfamiliarity that wasn't much like teachers in mainstream schools. Cold professionalism.
For, I believe, the last year of high school, I was allowed back into one of the mainstream high schools. With supervision. I had daily class periods in the special education classroom and weekly check-ins with the school psychiatrist. In my classes with mainstream teachers, they treated me without the warm friendliness they afforded to the other students, many of whom they'd spent four years being in the same building with, or teaching in different classes. I had attendants to check in on me. I was given extra discipline for things that other students did with impunity. Other students could tell. I was sometimes treated with a cautious, almost pitying kindness by them, which I appreciated but wasn't close to the way they treated their friends. I was forbidden from a number of extracurriculars because they lacked the staff to supervise me after school. At one point I was explicitly told I was a "liability."
All of this seemed to show me that I cannot be trusted to integrate with normal folk. Not without the guidance and supervision of professionals. Like zookeepers.
Now...what am I to do? I was told not to be vulnerable with anyone but professionals. No one but the highly trained can understand or handle me talking about my experiences, or crying, or talking about the way I feel. I'm like radioactive material that can only be held with gloves or pliers.
And now I'm left behind by those professionals. Their duty is just that, duty, and once they are no longer obligated to make sure I'm properly contained their job is done and I am no longer their responsibility. No more mandatory check-ins or special education, no more being whisked away from the normal folk when I start to stray from sterile, empty behavior. I mentioned once before, I feel like an animal that's been released into the wild after captivity. I am supposed to just...be human. Be natural. Supposedly instinct will guide me. But I don't know how to be a wild animal anymore. I don't know how to hunt, I can't fit into a pack, all I know how to do is pace around the space I'm used to being caged in. And wait for orders or guidance or whatever else was offered to me by my highly controlled environment. When I try to be natural, it's like I'm being reminded of an electric fence that's no longer there. I can't share with normal folk, it's a bad influence for them. I can't cry in front of normal folk, I'm being disruptive. I can't be natural, because for some reason it was decided that my natural is bad. And I can't figure out what it could be that's different between my natural (bad) and their natural (good.) Other people cry, other people get upset, other people share things that are sometimes upsetting, other people share the ways they're feeling authentically. But I was told that when I do it, it isn't appropriate for them. It's disruptive, or manipulative, or attention-seeking, or a bad influence.
I want to know how to integrate with normal folk, and how to be natural. I'm just very, very afraid of hurting them, because I was told that's what I would do. I was told I wasn't fit for normalcy. The only place I belong is institutionalization. The only people I belong with are handlers and psychiatrists. I'm a dangerous animal that needs constant supervision. And I don't even know why.
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I'm back on my meds but due to the few days hault in between I feel icky. so im just drawing whatever sticks.
#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood#it would have been more fitting to draw these when it was still the full moon but oh well#I still have no au for WereWolfWood#he just kinda exists w/ toma chicks cause my brain went what if he's just chilling in the woods with his birds#mostly stress free
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Got inspired by this and had to
#shinji ikari#kaworu nagisa#kawoshin#neon genesis evangelion#nge#toma draws#managed to set up my art stuff in the place we're staying at and immediately used it for evil#love how after kawoshin week i was like 'yay i can finally get to non kawoshin wips ^_^' only for it to be the first thing i draw after 😭#in my defense i also didn't get around to drawing for a while and kawoshin kept me going during the fuckass flood situation in my state#(i'm doing ok btw :3👍we have a nice place to stay while we wait it out and our house seems to be mostly water free despite water around it)#btw i forget if i mentioned it but i started posting art on twitter for kawoshin week and ended up sticking around after#so i'm also there now :] (i'm tomaturtles there too)#worry not though.... i may have been quiet on here lately but tumblr is still my house
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A little project I never finished - some mk characters in clothes I see fit them
#cookie draws#art#mortal kombat#mk1#mk11#kenshi takahashi#johnny cage#kung lao#dark raiden#tomas vrbada#there should be like 5 more characters#but i got kinda busy with other stuff and.... forgor...#again mostly for my rp group
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Chappy 3 centaur time!! Post train crash Toma goes missing (hiding from Catnap, as the redsmoke probably outright kills smaller toys) for most of the chapter, and Player gets a leg injury! No more kicky for them :]
Lots of dream sequences are different, no Kissy Missy attack (though she still does surprise, shes just not trying to maul you this time). Probably Catnap tries to convince the Player to follow the Prototype at some point, idk
#little guys will see a tall creature and go ''anyone gonna ride that?'' n not wait for an answer#honestly Toma goes on its own little side quest but youll see it occasionally#i mostly set it off to the side bc yknow how if someone uses too much anesthesia on a person itll kill them? yeah. that#poppy playtime#poppy playtime oc#poppy playtime au#centaur au#catnap#kissy missy#nighty arts#sketch#dilly dally donkey#i think dilly maybe knew or interacted w the smiling critters at some point. why?#well i want dogday to say ''Don't dally Dilly" before getting puppeted. for the emotional damage 💖
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──★ ˙ ̟ Lin kuei trio headcanons
Note: Please someone request something i’m so bored and i have no requests
*Tomas knows how to knit! He learned it from his mother and now usually does it if he’s stressed or doesn’t want to remeber his past or Bi-han. He knits stuff for Kuai liang and Syzoth all the time.
* Before sedling as his main weapon Kuai liang was really good at archery
*Tomas had long hair even as a kid but cut it short because Bi han kept telling him that it was gonna be a hinderance during battle
* I don’t think Tomas is as soft that people make him out to be. I think he’s mainly soft around people he knows or trusts
* Even tough Tomas doesn’t speak/talk alot with people he’s really good at combacks. He made Johnny cry with one of them.
* If he wasn’t a ninja and lived an average life Tomas would have definitely had either an emo or scene phase growing up
* Tomas definitely picked up swear words from Bi han when they were young and the proceded to repeat them to Kuai liang (Bi han got his ass kicked)
* Kuai liang + longer hair+ eyebrow slit/piercing. I rest my case
* Tomas is the tallest ,,human” character (idk how to explain it like hes the tallest out of everyone in earthrealm/human)
* Bihan trains in kombat to take his mind off of things
* Kuai liang likes gardening (idk i feel like he’d have a liltte bonsai tree or some succulents that’s he’ll take care of as a hobby)
* When Tomas was first taken in by the Lin Kuei Kuai liang asked him about his Czech culture and heritage to get to know him better
* When the brothers feel intense emotions, aspects of they’re elements will change i.e. When Tomas gets super happy puffs of smoke will start to apear, when Bi-han is angry he will progressively get more cold until ice starts forming on his shoulders or neck, when Kuai Liang is embarrassed if he’s holding something it will burts into flames.
* They’re love languages:
Kuai liang: quality time
Bihan: SUBTLE acts of service
Tomas: gift giving
*. ੈ✩‧₊˚༺☆༻*ੈ✩‧₊˚
#mk1#mortal kombat#bihan#sub zero#kuai liang#mk scorpion#scorpion#mk 1 smoke#smoke#tomas vrbada#mk headcanons#mortal kombat headcanons#lin kuei#lin kuei trio#lin keui bros#they are so precious#this is mostly about tomas but still#request something from me pretty please im just really bored#headcanons
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i forgot i made this. but to excuse the back to back mspaint doodles I'll also add the textpost memes I've been making of re:vale/zool:
#Ryo Tsukumo#Minami natsume#idolish7#mspaint doodles#my friend pointed out re:vale's song directly references ryo and is basically a disstrack#and also joked about Sasgero you are mine being ryo's really shitty breakup song#it's really funny learning literally anything about re:vale#guys can't have a single normal thing going on ever#my favorite i7 character is toma tamaki and nagi btw#i like all of them mostly so far#the only ones i haven't warmed up to is minami and torao but i assume thats because im anime only so far#really funny things going on with these guys
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I wanted to post these before the new game came out but alas my energy these last few days has been low.
Anyways, enjoy some Lin Kuei :3
#my art#These are mostly in MK:EP verse#designs aren't finale tho#Mortal Kombat#Mortal Kombat: Earthrealm Protectors#Lin Kuei#kuai liang#Tundra#bi han#Bi-Han#sub zero#sub-zero#Tomas Vrbada#mk sub zero#mk smoke#mk tundra#Smoke#Cyrax#mk cyrax#Sektor#mk sektor#Frost#mk frost#Hydro#mk hydro
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Me writing the MK Boys, a summary:
Hanzo: Oh that sounds like a personal issue I should probably address... *shoves issues under a pretty rug* ANYWAYS--
Kuai: It was no big deal! *proceeds to share a personal issue that is worth at least 5 years of therapy*
Bi-Han: I might be evil... but I might just need a nap.
Saibot: *no thoughts just elevator music*
Tomas: Do I wanna know? "No" The answer is "no". I don't wanna know.
Sareena: Why is everyone yelling? Isn't that normal?
Narrator's voice: It was not normal
Cyrax: You know, I'm receiving way too much shit for a side character!
Sektor: *woke up and chose violence*
#What The Winter Winds May Bring#mostly#but I'm sure it applies to most my works#idk why i made this#but it was fun#a little self-analysis on my writing#subscorp#my fics <3#hanzo hasashi#kuai liang#bi han#tomas vrbada#mk sareena#cyrax#sektor#crimson shadow#Sombra Carmesim
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youtube
ALAMAT performs "Just Say You Love Me" | MYX Live!
Ending this season with a bang is the PPop boy group, Alamat! Alamat promises to offer audiences a proudly and uniquely Filipino experience that entertains the world. More hip-hop performances inspired by traditional Filipino music and backstage exclusives from Taneo, Mo, Jao, Tomas, R-Ji, and Alas as they take over the MYX Live show.
#ALAMAT#ppop rise#philippines#original pinoy music#their improvement is really showing with live performances!#their first few was mostly playback so its good to hear them#like standing on their own a bit more#actually tomas did a really good harmony with himself on the playback at the end hahah loooooove#Youtube
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DRAWPILE WITH @tomatexe ME BELOVE AND OTHERZZ!!!!!! /P
highlits gonna be in a seperate post ima exceed the img limit fr
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Okay.
Drag Thursday - good/fun (unpaid - going to a drag show and like to overdress, the show encourages costumes, dressing up makes me feel good)
Drag Saturday - :P but I'm going to a fun event afterwards to make up for it (pays very very well)
Drag Monday - good/sad but cathartic. Sad but on purpose. So fun. (Pays eh. But among my close community. What I would consider drag family but real.)
Drag next Saturday - mildly stressful but fun. Not stressful like drag upcoming Saturday. (Pays well)
That's the schedule. I can do it. I can I can I can. I'm going to make good money this week to make up for my reckless manic spending last week.
The only things I need to do to prep are memorize my lyrics, and do some last minute adjustments to my costumes. Adding some appliques to one of them and stoning the other. Easy. Easy easy.
I also have something coming up where I'll be working with kids and teaching them about drag makeup. Which makes me a little nervous even though I'm really excited. I worry about protestors, given the whole. Climate right now. But I look forward to working with kids again. I enjoy it and miss it. Also it pays very very well.
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look i love making sae be the one who's so in love and showering hajun with so much love and affection but it's much more fun to think that HE fell harder than her
#it's the she fell first he fell harder thing. gooodd hjs have such common dynamic the frustrating and infuriating type#like look at first she have a crush on him right but as a model. that girl is literally a moth she gets attracted by those with light#though at first she admires him as a model and knew him through toma- her kamioshi. though i think... she just starts admiring him a lot?#she literally went through a 'highschool crush' phase but late since she was like. at college 😭#observed him... wow he's a lot similar to her than she thought. that guy puts up a smile in front of strangers and keep people at a distanc#he looked... strangely alone. why? even though he have friends too. she saw herself in hajun and... didnt want to be like him#will she keep putting up a face too? will she keep lying to herself? and would that make her alone in the end as well? she didnt want that.#so shes like yknow what? let's be shameless. her friends had been so loving of her unconditionally.#she thought that they'll leave after highschool and yet... and yet they stayed. they keep approaching her.#and come to think of it... they're always the ones giving effort for her right? when it comes to planning for hang outs-#they're always the one to reach out. never her. shouldnt she return the favor then? love them as much as they love her#pour all her heart out. she used to do it- she can do it again. love people unconditionally without expecting anything from them.#surely this time it'd be different. surely it wont drain her. even if there's a chance they'll leave her- it doesnt matter now.#she knows she gave her everything and that's enough for her. maybe she'll feel better if she had realized this when she was a child...#but that's okay now! so for now! lesson learned: dont be hajun#but also sae. just have a different view of hajun in her head 😭??? like she admits she didnt really know hajun before but actually meeting#him must be so complicated for her lol like this guy used to be her crush! and she got to talk to him but holy shit he's lowkey an asshole😭#not even lowkey but he really is a bitch lmfaaooo so like. damn 'i forgot i used to have a crush on this guy like i used to like him???'#'in what way??? (his looks dont even deny it sweetie)' i think her crush on him in the past made her more snappy towards him now lmfao#like 'gooooddd i used to have a crush on THIS GUY??? that's making me piiisseedd' LMAAAOOO 😭😭#i genuinely have NOOOOO idea how they started having this dynamic but it's just. them lowkey insulting each other? not really INSULT insult#but rather bickering masked by politeness? like 💢^^) (^^💢 selfish ohime-sama vs black hearted prince#but the one who's usually losing here would be sae ngl and hajun's mostly the one being playful tho tbf they CAN calmly talk to each other#sometimes they just become competitive? sae herself is a competitive one at first it would be 'oho~ let's see how long he can keep this up~#to 'give up already!!!! my social battery isn't gonna last long!!!!!!!!' and hajun's just watching her lose it every time 😭😭#ah.... my absolutely pathetic daughter im so sorry..... when it comes to him she gets unreasonably annoyed. just who does he think he is?#and yet she can't even feel arrogant around him. she knows bae are on a different league than her. that's why despite being very friendly a#expressing her admiration towards them she still puts up a barrier around them? it's not that deep she have her own close friends#yumeshipping — hajusae [prri]
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Can you believe there's an officially licensed kawoshin childhood friends au
#kaworu nagisa#shinji ikari#kawoshin#neon genesis evangelion#campus apocalypse#gakuen datenroku#nge#nge ca#😭💖 ca baby kawoshin is so dear to meee#i lined and colored this to test out a brush set and i'm sooo in love with it. super fun to use and the crayony texture is so tasty#btw a couple sidenotes since i'll be pinning this later:#gonna be mostly inactive outside of queue for the next couple weeks bc i'll be on vacation#and also theme voting form's up on the kawoshin week blog for those who wanna vote :]#i have yet to vote bc i'm indecisive 😭 but oh well#toma draws
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Something from Dec. 2023 -> Jan. 2024
There is much more, but I forgot where I put them at.
- I was stressed these days.
Bonus:
- In the last pic, I tried to draw Liu Kang in MK11 but I don't remember his design so I just "Eh, I'll be back." and left him there, looking at you.
#OC#Mostly OC#And Bi-Han#And Tomas#Trying to figure out how to draw the Lin Kuei bros#Should I put on the tag MK1? Probaby no lol#eveharson's finally draw something woohoo🎉
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The Return Of The Me. unfortunately my hair looks stupid. :(
#dinode.lite#tomas#i do feel the desire to mostly ignore this game thus far bc idk wtf going on and idk how to feel about it#but hopefully it will be fun to play if nothing else#i wonder how a former friend of mine is feeling#it must be much more complex for him since many of the changes affect him personally
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