#most of today was fine. I’m only thinking it’s bad bc it’s bad Right Now and I acknowledge that

[shmothman]

once again i say. I am angry. I need to look at pictures of my boyfriend and maybe then I won’t be so angry.

[straykids-97]

My insomnia is really bad right now and I would love nothing more than for bang chan or lee know to fuck me to sleep.

Just make me so exhausted I pass out in minutes and enter a time of bliss.

Dear lord 🥵 (warnings are below the cut btw NSFW)

I feel like Chan is the type to slowly fuck you to bed, and then Lee Know is the type to exhaust you. Like c’mon. Chan is naturally a giver and Minho is a taker. And lord have mercy take the fckin wheel- I’m soft for both. I’d literally sell my soul for either of these men- (and also Mingi🩷🫶🏻)

Chans just fine asf for being so soft like- 😭 ⬇️⬇️ HES SO CUTE I CANT- I’m such a simp for this man that it’s disgusting.

Lee know is a damn menace. He knows it- we know it. Like, he doesn’t hide it. He enjoys tormenting us. You can see it in the way he smiles. MAN IS A TEASE- I will pass away bc I wouldn’t be able to withstand his wrath istg.

Warnings: soft channie 😭🫶🏻, unprotected sex, fluff 🫶🏻, rough sex (if you squint) cute minho, after care

A.N- unedited so I apologize heh. Anyway, enjoy and thx for the submission!!

Chan

Tossing and turning is something Chan is very much used to. In fact, he probably wrote the definition of insomniac. However, even though Chan is used to the struggle of counting sheep, he doesn’t like seeing the one he loves most share the same fate. As Chan sits at his desk peacefully writing as the time passes midnight, he usually finds solace in the soft snores that come from your parted lips.

But tonight, they haven’t come.

He pauses humming to himself and turns to watch your resting form. He carefully watches your chest to see if it was rising and falling softly to find that you were restlessly fidgeting with the blanket instead. Chan frowns at the sight of your fist balled up in frustration, “What’s wrong baby?” He murmurs. You let out a drawn out sigh, “Can’t sleep.” You grumble. The long period of silence had left your voice slightly gruff and you clear your throat before you speak again, “I think maybe today was just too exciting.” Chan coos at you as he stands from his chair, chooching across the floor in cute short steps toward you.

Slipping his jacket off and sliding in bed next to you, he pulls you to his bare chest, “Maybe this will help?” He offers. You curl into his arms and lay your head against the warm skin of his chest, “maybe.” You sigh, trying to rest finally. You try, to no avail, to fall asleep. Even though Chan is playing with the ends of your hair, which normally instantly makes you fall asleep, isn’t helping. And neither is the rumble of his chest as he hums your favorite song. You sigh, “Chan.” You whine, finally giving up. Chan peeks down at you, “What’s wrong baby?”

“I can’t sleep.” You cry, pressing your face in his neck. Chan giggles, squeezing you tightly to his chest. “Awh, it’s ok.” He says, trying to hide his giggles as you speak into his skin, your voice muffled, “my brain just won’t shut off.” Chan stops laughing and pulls away from you. You look up at him to see that he has a playful glint in his eye. “What?” You ask making him grin, “I have an idea…” he trails off, his right hand sliding down your side, groping your ass. You shove at his shoulder softly, “Channie! That’ll wake me up!”

“But it’ll make you sleepy.” He giggles sleepily, biting his lip as he leans in to kiss you.

This is where you find yourself now; back flush against Chan’s bare chest, his hand digging into your thigh to hold it up. He groans softly into your neck, his curls tickling your ear as he buries his face into your throat. His cock is hitting that gooey spot that only he managed to find. You try to hide your soft moans as he holds you close with his other hand splayed across your abdomen, cupping one of your breasts. “Fucking-fuck!” Chan moans, biting your shoulder as you dig your nails into his hip. You meet his hips, grinding back into him; just as desperate to find the high he was chasing as well.

It didn’t take long before Chan had to cover your moans so the other members of the house didn’t hear you. You shudder as you come down, Chan pulling out of you, watching you very carefully as you settle into the sheets. You look too peaceful to disturb by cleaning up right now. You could do that in the morning when you woke up. Right now, he settled beside you, propping himself up to watch you fall asleep.

Minho

Typically, Minho has no trouble getting you to bed. But tonight was different.

As usual, he’s up reading the book he was almost finished with, the light of his lamp casting a soft warm glow around the room. Usually the sound of your slow breathing would make Minho grow tired, but the lack thereof made him turn slightly to watch you. Your back to him, he can notice that you were restless. “Y/n?” Minhos soft voice murmurs. At first you don’t reply, hoping maybe you could pretend to be asleep, but he doesn’t buy it.

You feel a warm hand on your shoulder, “Baby, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you sleeping?” He pleads. You lament, “I’m just anxious.” You admit, turning to look at him as he pulls his glasses off his face. “What about?” You shrug, “I’m not sure. Just am.” You fidget as he ticks his book next to his glasses, “Do you want to talk? Maybe that will help you sleep?” You shake your head, “No.” he thinks for a moment. “Do you wanna…” he trails off, giving you a teasing smile. You giggle as he attacks your neck, nibbling and sucking as he wraps his arms around your body.

After losing your clothes, you find yourself face down in Minho’s pillows, his hand holding your head down, “Fuck!” Minho growls, snapping his hips against yours viciously. Your brain had numbed a long time ago around the third orgasm. He really was about to fuck you stupid. Not that you could process that right now. You were trying to keep your face from being smothered by the pillow.

Minho grabs a fist full of your hair, yanking you up and holding your hip with his other hand. You feel his teeth dig into the space between your shoulder blades, his chest pressing against your skin as he marks you. You let out a shrill whimper as he snakes his hand around to your front, rubbing your swollen bud aggressively. You gasp, your eyes rolling back as yet another orgasm rips through your limp body. From how Minho held you, he was close. “Baby-“ he groans one last time before stuttering to a stop.

You both pant for a while, before he slides out of you, rolling over to grab a few wipes and cleaning the mess between your thighs. He follows suit before discarding the mess in the trash. Minho rolls over and pulls you to his chest and you happily allow him to hold you there. “What’s running around that pretty head now?” He asks smuggly. You giggly dumbly and shake your head. He chuckled, “That’s what I thought.”

©️straykids-97

😵‍💫

[seonghwanotes]

new years eve | jeong yunho

pairing: yunho x reader

genre: fluff

word count: 953

a/n: this was originally a collab but i completed the ending bc the writer i collabed with had closed her acc so yeah, this had me thinking for a lil bit. ALSO THE GIF 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 im getting bias wrecked big time, i cannot imagine being yunhonotes 😭 (21 Aug 2021)

a/n: as i write this, it is 28th sept 2023 😭 had this in my drafts for a while, did not proofread at all so will just post this up for now x

It was finally the most awaited week of the whole year, Christmas week. It was a family tradition for everyone to start preparing for Christmas when December came by but this year round, you were away from your family and you were spending it with Yunho and his friends. Considering that everyone was busy with their own schedules and you finally got a break till New Years, you began your preparation a little later than usual.

But as usual, Christmas went by in a blink of an eye. Right after you had taken down the Christmas tree all by yourself, you let out a loud sigh, feeling a little sad. It certainly felt a little different since it was something you’d do together with your family members but it didn’t feel as lonely since you were with your loving boyfriend.

You grabbed your phone off the couch and took a picture of the now dismantled tree, sending it to Yunho who was at practice with the boys. Not even a second passed, he had seen your message and immediately called you.

“Oh, hello?”

“Y/N, how can you take down the tree without me helping you out? It must have been hard, especially with the upper part of the tree.” He scolded you, making you chuckle.

“Yunho, it’s fine. I was gonna do it by today anyway and I was free after you left so I just got it done. You would be home later anyway. I used a chair in case you were wondering.” You replied back, earning a sigh from him. You didn’t need to be next to him to see his pout and know that he was upset for not helping you out.

You waited for a bit as you sat down, grabbing your gifts you got for Yunho along with the gift wrapper. You set your call on speaker mode and put your phone down. You could only hear some of the boys whispering to each other but it wasn’t too audible since the background music was blocking their voices out.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry I didn’t wait till you came home but tomorrow’s New Years eve! You know I don’t like keeping the tree up for longer than 3 days. Anyway, I’m going to the supermarket soon to get some stuff for our dinner tomorrow.” You told him, still not getting a response back. “Should I get champagne too?”

You and Yunho spent a homely Christmas together as everyone was with their family except for the two of you. It was not much but work has definitely made your lives much more busier, causing you two to not get presents for each other in time that you were doing it pretty late. Not that it mattered to you at this age but you felt bad for not carrying out a simple task.

You started wrapping your presents, occasionally glancing at your phone to see if he was about to end the call since he wasn’t answering you back. There was some light bickering among the boys but you couldn’t hear what they were talking about. “Jeong Yunho, If you wanted to help me out so badly, do me a favour and ask the boys what they would want for gifts or I’m wrapping vegetables for all 8 of you.”

Your threat seemed to slightly work as you heard Mingi chime at the other side of the call, “Ya, I don’t want vegetables this year. You better ask her for her size or I’m asking her myself!”

Size? Your size for what? You were about to voice out but Yunho cut you to it. “Well, that sounds fine. Go ahead, baby.”

“So you want me to get vegetables for them?” You questioned, earning a yell from Jongho.

“Y/N! Don’t listen to hyung! Get us what you feel like getting us except vegetables… what? Oh, no mint chocolate for Hongjoong hyung and Seonghwa hyung. We love you!” He yelled, making you laugh. These boys were enough to make you feel like you were at home.

“Not sure why I’m on speaker mode but okay.” You answered back, hearing someone getting a hard smack. You were about to end the call but stopped when Yunho called out. “Baby, wait! One more thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Your hand is almost the same as San’s right?” The question almost came out as a whisper, Yunho knowing you would get agitated at that question since your hands were the size of a child compared to his delicate giant ones.

“You know the answer already. Why are you even asking this? Are you getting me a bracelet from Pandora or what?” You asked him, sealing the gift wrapper with a ribbon on top for Yunho’s gift, which was a Rolex watch and matching rings that you’ve been eyeing for a while now.

A silence was heard initially, then a voice followed along. “Yeah, would rose gold do?”

Your cheeks flushed, “Ah, um, yeah. See you later then. Tell the boys to be early tomorrow. Oh, I’ll get 3 bottles of champagne then, okay?”

“Okay, sure thing. Yes, 3 is fine. I love you.” Yunho replied, sending a kiss through the call.

“Love you too.” You responded and ended the call.

One gift wrapped and there was more to go. You sighed, pushing them away for awhile and opened your laptop to surf the internet, making a list on what to buy for the boys, wanting it to be meaningful as well. Even if Christmas wasn’t as joyful as you wanted it to be, New Years was going to be the most memorable holiday you had in a while and you couldn’t wait for it to arrive.

[takenbypeter]

hi! LOVE your wonka work! wondering if I could ask a wonka fic where wonka is looking for y/n so him, noodle, and y/n can go sell chocolate. Wonka finds y/n having a panic attack in some kind of secluded area or smth bc she didn't want to show/tell any of her friends? and then Wonka helps her through it (breathing together, using pure imagination, etc)? then after she's calmed down Noodle walks in with them and they kinda have like a brother-sister-sister moment together :) up to youuu!

Support

Willy Wonka x reader

Words: 606

“Oh god I can’t do this,” you whispered eyes peeking from around the corner at the crowd bustling through the galleria.

You know you were the one to ask in joining Mr.Wonka in selling chocolates today along with Noodle. But now, seeing all the exhausted, angry, tired faces as people passed in the streets you suddenly realized you sort of miss all the laundry.

It wouldn’t be all so bad if they were all strangers, however, some of these people you saw just about everyday. Whether it be at the bank, or the store, these were people you saw in your daily life, and you were not a people person. You were not a crowd person. You were a—I’m not going to bother anyone and keep my head down—sort of person.

Genuinely you didn’t think you were going to react this badly. You felt fine when you’d agreed the evening before, but of course you this morning you felt slight nerves, however, that was nothing compared to the flips your stomach was doing now.

Taking one last peek you quickly ducked back, putting a hand to your chest to control your breathing that was starting to feel unnatural.

Taking a breath you heard a voice cry out, “are you here?”

Wonka.

He was calling your name. You wanted to gain the chocolatier’s attention with the least amount of attraction but your body was no longer listening to your brain as you were glued to the wall.

But luckily he spotted you as he was just about to pass the alleyway.

As he approaches you fervently shake your head back and forth, “too many people. Too many faces. I can’t do it,” you breathe out finding your breath coming out a little bit shorter than desired.

He bends in front of you trying to meet your eyes, but you shut them, “hey look at me,” he says voice low and calm, and you do as told opening them only to be met with his big chocolate colored eyes.

“Hey just breathe for me, can you do that?”

It looks like you’re unable to, prompting him to reach down finding your hand and holding it in his, “just breathe in,” he demonstrates, “and out,” he exhales. He does this a few more times and you follow along, your breathes slowing to a more consistent pace.

“This,” he says head jabbing towards the crowd, “this job looks easy but it’s not always so. After the nerves settle and more time is spent on each sell, it becomes easier almost like second nature. But you know what helped me the most?” He asked waiting for a response.

Unable to even give the question much thought you shake your head in a much more controlled manner this time, “a good support system. I didn’t do everything alone, I had a good support system. And now, we’ll be each other’s support system. I promise you, you don’t have to do this alone,” he releases your hand and holds his own up with his pinky out almost as if to say he pinky swears without actually saying the words, “we’ll do it together.”

Hand reacting to his you reach up looping your inner around his.

Right when your hands meet, Noodle runs up. “There you are guys, is everything alright?” She asks no doubt curious as to why your fingers were intertwined.

“Yes everything’s perfect,” you announce turning your attention away from Willy and to her, “let’s go sell some chocolate.”

You know it’s not going to be easy but like Willy said, with a good support system you can do anything.

[7nsomnia]

can i ask, what’s wrong with dcc? i always hear that they kinda suck as a company, but from the vlogs i’ve seen, they’re one of the better companies. i’m not really as into dreamcatcher as some of the blogs on here even though i consider myself a stan, so i might not have the right information

okay. I feel like this is like opening my personal pandora box so this might be long. I'm pretty tired today so apologies in advance if this isn't very coherent asdkjh

dcc are a pretty decent company on a surface level, they treat the members well (which should be like the bare minimum for any company but I know that in this industry that's something to genuinely praise) and they actually change according/respond to negative feedback from the fandom etc when they or the members mess up (or they used to anyway).

for me it started in 2020 and how they handled handong's return. like the way they handled her absence was fine (good even, I would say), but the lack of hype for her actual return made things feel so underwhelming even though it was supposed to feel like a relief that she was finally back. I can't remember all the details anymore, but I do remember that the first time I felt like things were actually alright with dc was when they did the online concert crossroads in march of 2021. on that note I think most ppl were expecting ttol and dlm to be repackaged with ot7 versions and yet it's 2024 and they still haven't released them.

the handong stuff atp is water under the bridge tho, the group is fine, the members are fine, etc, I'm only mentioning it because that's when things started to feel really off for me.

so now we get into the actual things that happened that have left the fandom feeling burned out/frustrated/disconnected etc etc, whereas this happened to me at the end of 2022, I'm seeing more people now going through what I did back then:

I think the most pressing thing was that dcc didn't capitalize at all on dc's first win. they got their first win in april 2022 and didn't even do anything special in korea to commemorate it. it was a HUGE moment and they did nothing with it. usually after a group gets a first win you'll see them getting more promotions in korea, magazine photoshoots, mc deals, etc but dc just went on ahead to do festivals in europe and have a usa tour, these things are not bad but it was the lack of promotion in korea that in turn just made it all feel useless. that year dc also weren't invited to any end of year awards if I'm not mistaken so it all felt really disappointing and like all of the work we had as a fandom had been for nothing. I have to reiterate, dc/insomnias had been getting screwed over on music shows since 2019 with deja vu to get that first win, like I don't want to talk about the injustices the group and this fandom suffered through the years but it was a true story of resilience, so getting that first win in 2022 was a huge relief. to see it all going to waste was just... heartbreaking honestly.

when it comes to tours...... god I don't wanna get too much into it, but 4 tours in the usa in the span of 2 years is not normal. specially when they're prioritizing that over having a proper asia tour and the likes (AND promoting in korea??). latam tour is practically sold out rn and they're getting no merch or m&g benefits like the usa tour. I don't think doing exclusive things for a specific tour is bad per say, but you have to treat all your fans semi equally at least, specially for a group whose fanbase is majorly international (this will be important later), or it will happen what is happening rn which is ppl will leave the fandom. This is the first latam tour since 2019 (2017 for brazil!)... they've waited a really long time so personally (even tho this doesn't affect me bc I'm european) I feel like it's really disrespectful but wtv, onto other things.

now, speaking of the fanbase being majorly international, if this is the case, you'd think the company would make an effort to stream important events to their fans, like hmm the 7th anniversary concert perhaps? but nop, that didn't get streamed. a repetition of the dumbassery they did in 2022 where they split the concert and the members' solos in 2 days and only streamed one and so intl fans couldn't watch half the solo stages? and don't get me wrong, I think it's important that they have events that are korea only like they have the fansigns etc, but something as major as their 7th anniversary? when they've gotten here thanks to their international fans? that stings a little.

and lastly (maybe), we have dcc's usual lack of promotion during comebacks. fans always paying for ads, intl fans always doing the most for digitals even when it's Not their place (because this is smth that the korean fandom and dcc should be responsible for), fans having to reach out for vendors etc... Justice cb truly has been the culmination of the very worst promotions dcc has done tho and there have been some really bad promotions before... no radio shows, minimum interviews, barely any variety... were there even any ads? usually it's always fans paying out of pocket for ads. it just feels like throwing the members' and the company's work out the window for no good reason? Virtuous is one of their best albums and yet it feels like they just dumped it to go on tour again. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing btw, having short promotions in korea is fine but like... promote for real? give your fandom content that they can watch and rewatch for however long it takes your group to have another cb? specially now that it seems that they're shifting to one album per year (not sure this is their wisest decision tho all things considered), you have to make sure that you promote that album properly? which kinda also goes with like, giving your fandom enough time to save for what you release and put out, specially if you're not trying to grow the fandom anymore. if they're dropping an album then don't announce a tour on top of that, and if they're announcing a tour then don't announce a photobook on top of that, and if they've just released an album then wait longer than a month to announce a photobook, and if they've just dropped a photobook then wait a bit longer until announcing the re print of albums the fans have been begging you for 6 years to re print LOL bc all this does is frustrate fans who can't make that much money in such a short time and it's stupid. like. in 2018 I dropped like 200 euros for like their very first photobook BECAUSE I had time to save that amount from their you and I cb (may) to whenever it was announced (I think it was august), and that was the highest tier (so you could get it for much cheaper) and bc back then it was like. well they barely release anything other than albums, so it's fine (also shipping was sooooooo much cheaper I miss it everyday, ofc this is not their fault tho but anyways).

lastly actually, oh my god. that stupid ass app where fans pay a subscription to message the members privately? has been the fucking worst thing to happen to this fandom and the members imo. if fans weren't respecting their boundaries before, it's even worse now. but it's also like. yeah the members should be reinforcing those boundaries, and I get wanting to at least make a buck of those problematic type of fans but I just don't think it has been good for the members at all. I won't elaborate too much on this because it will genuinely piss me the hell off but bottom line: that app has been hell for everyone genuinely there is no bright side to it other than dcc makes money out of it. and there's better ways to make money :))))))))

anyway this is over 1k words atp and somehow I feel like this all just the tip of the iceberg and I probably have forgotten many things bc tbh in the past year I've just. been trying to make peace with it all and just accept things for what they are because dc have been really special to me for such a long time and I just don't want dcc's decisions to make me throw all of that away (like I almost did). I love their music, I love the members, and so I will continue to celebrate wtv right decisions dcc makes but I'm not going to pretend that they're a good company when it comes to business decisions bc they're really not

[celestie0]

hi, love! how are you today? are you doing well? is work treating you good?

i hope you are doing well! flowers 💐 for my favourite girlie ✨

also have you got any tips for new writers? like i’ve been tryna write this fanfic but i cannot really understand how to keep it flowing without forcing it out, and i’m hoping you can help us out. its absolutely fine if you’re busy or cannot for any reason. no pressure truly🥹

🫶💌

hellooo i’m doing well thank you 🥺�� work is well i just got home, its rainy where i live so i made some hot cocoa and im just in bed now. i hope you’re feeling better i know you said you were sick <3 🌤️🌤️ some sunshine for you!

ohhh to be asked for writers tips is so flattering! i tried to think of my top few, and i have them below the read line :”) hope they help in some way and if you do end up posting your works don’t hesitate to tag me i would love to read them <3

my writing tips ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

dialogue. this one is toughhh bc i feel like a lot can ride on dialogue. my biggest tip for dialogue would be to just write all of your dialogue for a scene completely stripped down. none of the “he says” & “she says” or action verbs inbetween, just write it all out like it was a simple text convo w quotation marks. that way the words will sound realistic because you’re only picturing a convo in your head, rather than also trying to juggle all the descriptive prose. after you’ve got the dialogue, then you can go back in to fluff things up. if it’s meant to be comedic or a fast-paced argument, i think keeping it relatively stripped down is the way to go, but if it’s something intense or suspenseful then fluffing it up may be the better choice. also, i find dialogue becomes easier the more you write for a specific character, so if it’s not flowing right away, don’t worry!! their words will find you eventually once you get to know the character better :)

on choosing conflicts. this can be harddd because sometimes you just want the story to exist in happy land haha. but just like you said so beautifully in the sweet kickoff ch8 review you gave me, characters won’t always act perfect, but i think a great way to make conflict seem realistic is for them to act in character but with flaws, rather than just randomly out of character with flaws. maybe make a list of what that character’s good qualities and how those qualities could also work against them, and use the latter to brainstorm realistic conflict that those qualities could put them in (ex: a character is self-sufficient, but that causes them to rely on ppl less when they need it -> they fail to reach out for help in timely manners and leads to mistakes/regrets)

pacing. the biggessstt most important thing in my opinion for writing i believe is nailing the pacing. especially for fanfiction where people may be more interested in specific niche scenes rather than all of the stuff built around it. when starting off a story, don’t be afraid to just jump straight into it! or jump straight into the dialogue and then build the scene gradually as it progresses, rather than [gigantic block of text in beginning of scene that reader must drag their eyes through] and then get to the dialogue (im sooo bad w this myself lmao i fluff things up too much). in a world where attention spans are decreasing (rip), a lot of the times less is more. make sure the pacing fits the scene (romantic -> longer paragraphs more focused on subtle details, comical -> short paragraphs w simple n relatable diction, etc)

creating characters. with fanfiction this can be easy since you already have fleshed out characters from shows/books to work off of, but a good way to characterize is to just include little details that give them personality! not only is it a way to allow the reader to resonate with the character, but also it gives other characters in the story an opportunity to notice those lil quirks and create bonds over them as well. i just picture my friends or family in my head, the things i love about them, and incorporate it (i know nothing about film photography but my friend is a film major n thats where i got the idea for mc in kickoff)

for tone and mood. i think to get words flowing for different scenes, it can be really useful to get into the environment of those scenes while you’re writing, such as listening to a song that fits the vibe of the scene prior to/during writing (i blasted tgif by katy perry while writing the party scenes in ch6 of kickoff lol), or if its a scene at night, write it w the lights off, or watch a youtube vid w scenery that matches. may sound silly, but it could help! if i write something angsty in a really bright sunshine environment it’s hard for me to get the words

read more. this is sort of a miscellaneous one but a good way to subconsciously get better at writing is to just read more! your brain kinda learns how to write on its own when you read. also, when i’m reading, if i see words i really like i jot them down in my notes app so i have my own lil vocabulary of words that i know i would like to use in my writing

on writing insecurities. be proud of your writing!! your first draft does NOT have to be perfect. some days the words will flow, but on some they won’t, and that’s okay. don’t get too into your head about “i wonder what readers will think of this plot point or this character action” etc, i think having faith in your own process but also in your readers will bring you a lot of peace as you write :) create what you want to create and the rest will follow!! when i first started posting kickoff i was overthinking sooo many things that ended up being received just fine by readers in the end, so just stick to your plan 🫶🏼💕

use chatgpt. looool ai can be useful in writing too! i usually only use it after i'm completed with a draft, and i just plug select paragraphs into it to see if it can come up with some better words for me to use. it's also useful to come up with logistical details for aspects of your stories for world-building etc (no clue anything ab professional collegiate soccer games i've never been to one but i used chatgpt to come up with the scenes)

woooow i wrote way more than i thought i would haha but i hope this helps!! ive never given tips before so idk if these only make sense to me 💀 but hopefully they can be applied to what you’re looking to write as well :)

[ocpdramblings]

I keep seeing TikTok talk about crises friends, and I feel like the definition is changing a lot but idk what to think about it.

At first I assumed that it was a friend only in crisis, who only perceived things that happened to them as negative. And to that I’m like, “well I’ve had a friend just like that. And I felt bad for them, because they were my friend”

And then I saw someone define it as “someone who doesn’t listen to your advice and keeps doing the thing that harms them” alright, don’t give them advice anymore. But if you define your friendship as one in which you are validated by your advice being considered, maybe they’re not the right person for you. I’ve had a friend that never listened to my advice. And yknow what? I realized they never wanted advice. Just a place to vent. Sometimes and as long as they checked in with me first to ask a. How I’m doing, or b. Permission to vent, I’d be fine. I’ll even take an apology after the vent bc sometimes meltdowns happen. People shouldn’t be expected to be in control of their emotions 100% of the time.

Well then I saw another comment, about how it’s someone constantly in another state of crisis, needing someone to be on their side completely, and never being there to support you in return. To that I’m a little more mixed. I have and have had friends who’ve had a crisis everyday. I have a lot of empathy (which is kinda overrated) and more importantly, a lot of patience. I love hearing about what’s bothering people, so that I can then ask why it is bothering them. I love knowing people. But there was a time in my life where I had someone that wouldn’t allow for me to not be on their side. And that’d be even if I chose a neutral stance, it was bad. And she never came to me to check in, or to ask about shared hobbies. Only talked to me about the crises. And to that, I’d say, that’s not a friend. Very distinctly not a friend. Now I don’t know if she would have supported me in times of need bc I used to very strictly be a “I don’t go to people when I’m upset”, so jury’s out on that one.

But sometimes I think about my close childhood friend who gave me the most amount of trauma, but who loved me incredibly. I suspect she has borderline, due to events in her youth, the way she reacted to things. As a close friend, trying to support her was difficult. And I think my connection with her is why I’ve developed my OCPD. She always perceived things negatively, she always was between everyone hates me or everyone loves me, always was sensitive to things people would say, hated everybody but couldn’t handle them hating her, etc. And truthfully? She wasn’t a great friend. She was never there for me emotionally, she was angry and hostile towards me several times, she’d make decisions that were hurtful to other people (the only time I ever really spoke my rejection), she was intense and liked hurting people. But oh did she love me. There’s…I have no doubts that she did. Even though she wasn’t there for me, even though she lied and framed me for something. She loved me. Just not in a good way. She was protective of me, incredibly loyal. If somebody said anything bad about me, or even implied it, she was feral on them. She was the first to respond to my triggers, and the first to shield me when somebody would try to trigger them. We had shared hobbies that we liked to talk about.

She is likely one of the contributing factors I have OCPD. She did several things I didn’t approve of. And yet, I cannot hate her at all. She was just a child when those things were done to her. I grew up with her and watched her over time create her coping mechanisms. I can’t hate her. She’s technically my abuser. And I don’t hate her. I just feel bad, and hope that she is well loved today.

It was her birthday a couple days ago. I wanted to reach out. But we haven’t talked in years. I don’t even know what she likes or what her hobbies are. It’d be a disservice to reach out to let her know I still care about her, to have her think about me. It’d also be a disservice to only reach out to her out of some kind of pity.

I’ve loved all my crises friends. I’ve had several. Most of my friends could be labeled crises friends. They’re a little more work, and a little more draining, but I’m already fully spent after interacting with a “normal” person. It’s not much extra effort. What is extra effort, in the face of someone you love?

[giggly-squiggily]

Omg omg dabble idea bc I’m obsessed with this headcanon.

I think Chifuyu gets psychosomatic illness when he’s even the slightest bit stressed. The symptoms get worse the more pressured he feels.

After even one sneeze, Mitsuya is eyeballing him the whole time, because he knows despite Chifuyu never telling anyone.

I can just imagine Mitsuya getting pissed off in Chifuyu’s place when he sees the little guy so sick he can barely stand. 🙌🙌

Holy- I'm learning so many new words today! :D This is absolutely amazing and I love you for sharing this with me- I've gotcha covered, Ducky! :D

CW: Sickness, Swearing

“Chifuyu, what the hell?”

It started out as a sneeze. Just a simple little “Achoo!”- nothing anyone in Toman put much thought into. Heck, not even Chifuyu thought much of it- must be seasonal allergies.

Definitely not because Midterms, a big Toman meeting, Peke-J’s vet appointment, and Baji’s birthday were all falling in the same week. Nope, definitely not any of that.

Chifuyu was convinced he had this. What was a little stress? He’s been through worse. And yet- soon the symptoms were getting worse. Sneezes turned into congestion, coughs grew more hoarse and hard to hide. Eventually he was waking up in the wee hours in the morning nauseated.

Still- he pushed on. He had this! He just needed to get through the upcoming week and he’d be fine. Once it was over, he’d be his usual self again.

For the most part- Toman believed him.

Except for Mitsuya.

That man saw everything.

Currently the pair were in Chifuyu’s room, the mentioned boy far too sick to even sit up on his own. His body felt like one huge furnace, and he wanted to both rip off all the sheets binding him to his bed and climb into a freezer. He barely heard Mitsuya come in- just heard his disappointed exclamation. “I’m fine..I just-” A hoarse cough exploded from his chest as he doubled over, hands rubbing his back to help him through it. When he looked up, he found Mitsuya glaring at him.

And in his hand, a glass of water.

“Dumbass. I can’t believe you’d let yourself get this sick! Here you are practically dying on us and you’re too stubborn to say anything!” Mitsuya’s back was turned as he dug through the convenience store bag, pulling out cough medicine. “Honestly- it’s bad enough Draken and Mikey only JUST sorted out their bullshit, and now this? What are we to do with you-”

The sound of sniffling made him pause. When he turned around, he found Chifuyu’s head bowed, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Oh Chi..”

“I’m not-” The blonde sniffed, reaching up to wipe his face. “I’m not cr-rying!” He ducked down, shamed at how weak he looked before Mitsuya of all people. “Ju-Just..give me a se-econd.”

Mitsuya didn’t say anything, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. A moment later, he reached out, resting a hand on the younger boy’s head. “So stubborn, even now.” He sounded fond, almost like he was smiling. “Tell me what’s going on. I can help, you know.” He reached over and snatched up the planner laying by, poking through it as Chifuyu wiped his face. “Ah, okay. Easy enough. Look- I’ll take care of Peke-J for you; I’m free that afternoon. Baji’s birthday- Toman’s gonna do something; we’ve got that planned out. You just focus on getting better and knocking out finals, kay?” He reached out, ruffling the other’s hair.

“....Okay.” He sounded so young, like his sisters getting over a fit. Mitsuya almost hugged him right there like he’d do with them.

Instead, he cuffed his chin, smiling. “That’s my guy.”

Send me a headcanon and character(s) and I'll write a short 300-500 word dabble for it!

[mmmairon]

UWAAA miss juliet looks so beautiful!! I'm sure she's doing well and cheering you on from her meadow, ms. kaela :"))))

if you don't mind, would you consider introducing your other cows to the public? they sound like lovely creatures ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ and ok fine I'll admit I became more interested in them bc of that one diluc fanart u made where he tends to the cows

*discreetly crushes that other entitled anon ask under my foot* also pssst I think you can block people's IP addresses from asking on anon so you don't have to worry abt them anymore,,, chronically online people are built different man I hope they leave u alone soon :((

— milkmaid diluc anon

Hi Milkmaid diluc anon! Sure!! I’ll put pictures under the cut since it will be a little long. I have to admit, there are too many to introduce, so I’ll show my “pets.”

Blindos!!! Just as her name indicates, she’s blind in one eye. Bad case of pinkeye when she was a calf. She’s my baby. I’ve had her since I was a kid. My dad named her, not the most creative lmao. She stays at home and mows the grass down in the yard during the summer. Loves chop and good scratches. An absolute dear and glutton.

This is her baby she had this spring, Molly. She’s so sweet :)

Here are some of our heifers:

J2 is Jojo

J3 is, of course, Juliet <3 (I cut her tag to keep with me, so now I can frame it)

J4 is Jackie

J1 is Jenny

These are my 3 hooligans. The guy that looks like an Oreo Mcflurry is Zorro. He used to escape all the time lmao. He’s a specklepark, one of our up and coming bulls.

The guy in the back is Benny. Also a bull for next year.

To the right is Mark (hence the mark on his forehead), one of our old bottle babies. Every morning I would bring him his bottle and go *Tommy Wiseau voice* “Oh, hi Mark.”

This is Martin, our bottle calf from this year. Big enjoyer of scratches under the chin, his eyeballs will roll back lol. He’s a rejected twin :( His sister’s name is Martina, who is with his mom. We went with the “Martin” theme because female twins are what we call “freemartins” (infertile).

the red on his forehead is old chalk. We mark calves in the field we think have something weird going on with them. Figured out pretty quickly little Martin didn’t have a mama to drink from

Skrunkly. That’s his name. I never got around to naming his buddy. But Skrunkly is one of our yearlings we keep around the yard to mow grass. We had a couple days of -55C last winter that got the best of his one ear tip :( He can still hear fine and he’s a silly goofy guy and a little gremlin

This is my little buddy Clyde. About 2 years old. He’s an anomaly. If you look above his ears, you’ll see two little nubs peeking out. He has horns!! I’m so baffled… my dad bred horns out over 10 years ago. Been scratching my head over this for the past few weeks. And it’s weird they only just appeared after so long…

But… poor Clyde passed away this week. He seemed to have a bout of pneumonia, which I gave him Resflor for. And he recovered. But there was always something odd about him ever since he was born. Always weaker than the rest, never too energetic, but liked a good scratch on his back. He passed away asleep in his bedding. He looked comfy and warm. I’m, at least for that, glad for it.

This is Miss Raccoon and Miss Halfie. Very fine, distinguished ladies.

Alas, there are too many cows to name :’) But know I love them all and do my best to make them happy!! I’d add a few more, but I think mu phone is about to explode.

Bonus:

This photo is from today. This is the poor lassie who was shot by someone. She’s healing excellently. You can only barely see a pitted mark on her forehead. She’s so strong, I’m so proud of her!!! She looks a lot better.

[gddmgttsu]

I’m so exhausted haha

(why can’t getting paperwork done be easier)

Recently I’ve been a bit stressed… My mood would fluctuate between hyper anxious, depressed and average emotional state.

My new job completely flipped my life around and I haven’t even started my first day.

Along with that, this week, I’ve been in charge of the house and it’s chores since the person usually doing them is out for a few days. Even though we have one cat, there’s a secret second cat that I have to take care of too.

It’s suddenly alot of work just thrust on to me and it’s really making me tired haha.

Today I basically ran around town filling in my requirements for employment. It used to stress me a lot a few days ago but now that I’ve chipped away at it, it’s not so bad. The part that gets me though is that I have to leave the house and have nobody watching anything. I worry about the cats…

I got to say though getting government documents suck. Each department has some deranged method of registration and some of them require a few days waiting time. I’m given like a week to process this stuff, cut me some slack PLEASE.

My mom was nice enough to “help” but she basically just drove me around to where I need to go. Last week I was glad she offered to help because I was really at my breaking point. I’ve realized today though that she is giving the bare minimum to help which means I still have to do everything.

I asked how and where to get these documents and I would get a blank stare or just straight up wrong info. I even had to argue because she wouldn’t believe that I needed to go to a specific office. I need an adult that knows what to do but never got it hahaha.

To be fair, it’s my requirements and it’s my responsibility right but I thought I could rely on her as support to keep me afloat. The real lesson was that I can only rely on myself and anyone else is a liability… it’s an exaggeration but sometimes it feels that way.

When I got home, I had to take care of the cat and do more chores. It rained yesterday so the secret stray cat was gone then but today they showed up. They might have been mad at me bc I wasn’t able to feed them so I gave em a big bowl of food and water to make up for it.

I only hope the stray forgives me…

I still have a few days before the deadline and I’m just waiting on three things. One of them is a medical exam/ready for work certificate thing from the local office. I’ll be doing that next with my mom and hopefully it’ll go much smoother.

Busy busy so I don’t have time for myself. There’s a feee login for FFXIV too but I can’t even enjoy it with my friends. I wonder if I’ll even be able to play frequently when I start working.

I’m mostly fine for the most part but there’s a ringing at the back of my head where it feels like I’m being looked down upon. Sure I finally have work but it’s a bit too late especially compared to everyone else and also how it has nothing to do with my degree. I don’t even get paid that much.

When I try to talk to others about my days recently it feels like they want nothing to do with me anymore. It’s weird…

It’s 100% just my anxiety from the stress making me think things. It just sucks that I have to feel it in my bones.

I hope they forgive me too for thinking of them in this way…

Anyway, I’m almost done. I’m doing my best.

[strawberryspeachy]

I cant even wake up in time to go out for a fucking hour

Whatever curse is on me keeps getting worse. I’m so fucking exhausted all the time and every time i get excited for something its taken away or ruined

Its bad enough i dont have anyone and that i cant wake up or stay up for the prime time of going out

Which is why i moved to an area where most of my salary is spent on fucking existing here

But now i cant even wake up for one damn fucking hour of going out

But i wake up fully awake in time to see the clubs are JUST about to close and waste my fucking life away

I hate being me. I want to be dead so fucking bad.

Tell me why. When i put in so much effort and thought and try so hard to make my classes good.

Apparently junior high in private school suck. They know they dont need to do anything to pass right through the system so theyre little fucking dicks about everything

I guess the annoying high school kids at my last school were the ones that were passed on through middle school

And now middle school is the only job i can get for next year. I hate private school junior high

I loved them in public school. But my god. Dealing with kids who refuse to do the bare minimum and even pushing them to try results in them throwing a tantrum bc they always get their way (sitting around doing absolutely nothing while complaining about having to do something they signed up to fucking do)

Ive read this is what american schools have turned into and yeah. Its fucking exhausting. what’s the fucking point. You cant teach anyone

Youre not allowed to just ignore those shit kids - even if you try they disrupt the class. So you cant teach the ones who WANT to learn because you have to teach to the dumbest kid in the class and no matter how low you go they go lower.

What’s the fucking point

Today in the advanced english class which the kids in the class CHOSE to be in - a girl i literally complemented so much last class because she did so well - and to other teachers commented how shes come so far from being super shy and on the verge of tears/crying at the beginning of the year - back to crying today

Crying because i asked her to speak english in the advanced english class that she chose to do saying she thinks ill be mad at her if she makes a mistake WHEN I NEVER GET ANGRY AT STUDENTS. LITERALLY NEVER. Meanwhile her homeroom teachers literally screams at them and guilt trips them all the time. But he’s a man. Even to the kids apparently theyre fine with being screamed at by men. But let me - a woman - tell them to do their work and its a fucking problem

Its so fucking stupid because it sounds like im leaving out half the story. Or that ive spun it to sound better. Or that anything. Like this isn’t the full story. But it fucking is and this kind of shit has me exhausted. I see why teachers are leaving in droves. From reading about the conditions i already understood but my god is it so fucking exhausting.

The class i see 3 times a week. Theyve been a pain in the ass since day one. My other classes teachers always try to steal - not this one. No one likes them. Its like pulling teeth to get them to do shit

Theyve been getting better. Theyve been really good recently. I felt like i finally got them somewhere. They were doing so well. But no. They didn’t improve. Its like a rollarcoaster. I go from the quietest worst at english boys volunteering to go to the front and do an improv skit in english and the whole class actively engaging and having fun

To the next class they act like they cant understand a single word i say. They wont speak and act like theyre being tortured by a simple actively

I dont have the fucking energy. I fully understand those days that my teachers would tell us “if you dont want to try then im not going to either. Just there in silence till the bell rings” as “one of the kids who are trying so im sorry to you but your classmates ruined it for you” having been that kid. I got it then but i really fucking get it now.

Like do you think i enjoy nagging you. Is it really the fun trying to explain something to a kid staring at their friend fully understanding what theyre supposed to do and being entirely capable of it but deciding its more fun to make fun of the teacher in front of their face while pretending you cant understand

And i just have to pretend you really cant understand and keep trying.

Like im not their only english teacher. They have other english classes. Theyve been taught how to read. Theyve learned grammar up to “if you could fly what would you do” “i would…” they fan make sentences and understand at the level of a preschooler. And telling them to talk about a topic that they like - i know they can have conversations in english. Theyve done it many times. Tell them to do it and use their new grammar- cause thats my class - using the fucking shit they’ve learned beyond textbook shit

No all of the third years this week refusing to say anything more than “nice” “yea” “oh really” “i like” “oh mhm”

I’ve always thought school needed reformed. There was no reason that i should have been so stressed out all the time over school. I still believe that. But i know the world deciding to make school a fucking joke where no kid fails. You cant make them do anything. You cant punish them. Its not to make the learning environment better. Its to make a bunch of fucking idiot adults who cant critically think, dont have any working knowledge of the world, have no desire to learn and dont know how to teach themselves, and think that theres no repercussions for their actions so that when someone is unfairly targeted theyll just think “man they must have done something think REALLY bad”

The ones that WANT to learn. That try hard. Theyre honestly so far and few between and theyre punished for it. Why try hard when youre the only one who actually gets graded on your work. You work hard and get a B your classmates does fucking nothing and gets a C then the lazy one does ANYTHING and ya gotta encourage them to keep doing that so they get an A. They suck at school(refuse to try) so they should get rewards for literally anything else so they dont feel bad about themselves

Ridiculous. It sucks that the worlds gonna get stupider. The current school children are gonna be stupider than boomers. And the fact that they have no rules… at least old people to in trouble all the time as kids and were forced to be respectful to others and understand repercussions.

[victory-cookies]

I had the worst, most murphy’s law, comedy of errors day today it was actually ridiculous. So last night I was feeling good. I was feeling motivated. I had put all of my laundry away immediately after getting it out of the dryer. Today was gonna be my day to turn my life around bc I felt motivated to clean to do homework to run my errands I was ready

and then I sleep through my fucking alarm.

okay, whatever, it’s fine. I had to go out to get shit for my Fionna costume so I decided to head out once I’d had breakfast. It wouldn’t take me much longer than an hour and I could come home and get right to my tasks.

so I’m at the fabric store, with a meter of fleece and some velcro, and I go to pay. And my debit card doesn’t fucking work no matter what I try. So I ask the woman if she could hold my stuff while I run to the atm to get cash. But the atm declines me too. I try to log onto my online banking and that doesn’t work either. At this point I assume I’ve been locked out of my card so I head back to the store, apologize, and tell her I need to drive to the bank about ten minutes away to try to get my card fixed. She says that that’s no problem and she’ll hold my stuff until the end of the day (they close at 5. It is currently 1:30)

so I head to the bank. The line is absurdly long but finally I get up to a clerk and am like “hey I think I’ve been locked out of my card please help” and so he checks and yeah I have, bc the two scholarship cheques I deposited yesterday had been flagged as “unusual and suspicious activity” and he says he’ll call and see if he can get it unlocked for me. We’re on hold for like fifteen minutes. At this point my sister has asked me to come pick her up from her friend’s. Finally this guy gets through and they’re like “lol we can’t do it unless she has the cheques there and you can verify” and obv I didn’t have them so he was like “well either you can go get the cheques and bring them in or you can wait until tomorrow when the photos will show up in the system and then your card will be unlocked”. I don’t want to do either of those things bc going home and coming back then going back to the fabric store would take another like two hours. So I say fuck it and go to pick up my sister with the intent of dragging her back to the fabric store and getting her to use her card.

at that moment it starts fucking bucketing. I start driving to her friend’s house and the road is nearly flooded I was so worried. And then as I’m heading out I end up directed onto the highway (highway driving makes me really anxious so I try to avoid it so I’m panicking). At this point the rain is coming down in sheets and I can’t see anything. Im about to cry. I exit the highway and then get directed onto another highway. The traffic is so bad that I can’t make it to the left turn lane and I miss my turn. I only barely make it to the next left turn and thank god I did bc if i didn’t I’d be on my way to the next town.

I get to my sister’s friend’s place and my sister gets in the car and I ask if we can go back to the fabric store and have her buy the poor fabric I have left cut and alone just sitting there (I felt bad. They had cut it for me already I needed to get it). She says no problem and so we head once more to the fabric store.

we pull up and the lights are off. It’s 3pm. They should not be closed. Confused, we get out and go to check, and they are in fact closed. A woman comes up to us and explains that THE FUCKING POWER WENT OUT IN THE ENTIRE MALL. They were closed for the day, along with every other store there, including the spirit halloween that I needed to go to as well and the a&w my sister wanted to grab food at

so we drive away. I have literally gained nothing from this. I have bought none of the things I needed to get. I have wasted so much gas. It is now 3:30 and I have done zero of the things I wanted to get done today. I was literally crying

[porcupine-girl]

I can relate to this in two different ways, one of which is closer to what you’re going through emotionally I think but the other of which is probably more useful.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college. I won’t go into all the details of the in-between, but suffice it to say that just like every god damned person with bipolar disorder does at least once in their life, I was euthymic (normal, basically) for a bit, let my meds lapse, then when I stayed euthymic was like oh it’s fine I’ll get back on the meds if I need them. And then did not.

And for the last couple years of that phase I very much just needed someone to give me permission to need the meds again. To the point that I considered suicide attempts because then someone would see that something was wrong and tell me to get medical help. Because as long as I could hide it, it couldn’t be bad enough to warrant medical treatment. (I know, I know, but depression lies.) Unfortunately this doesn’t have an ending that is helpful to you because what finally happened was that when I was 5-6 months pregnant (a pregnancy that probably saved my life bc I couldn’t figure out how to attempt suicide without hurting the baby) I broke down in my OBGYN’s office and she got me to a psychiatrist and told me yes yes I give my blessings for you to get back on that med while pregnant, please just do it. And you’ve already had a doctor tell you that. But just so you know - I understand how you feel.

What might be useful though is the other times I’ve felt like I needed permission for things, and those are entirely bc of my ADHD. One trick executive dysfunction likes to play is to set up artificial barriers, often fueled by guilt and shame, that you tell yourself will make you more productive but in fact just grind everything to a halt. “I’m not allowed to do X until I’ve done Y.” “I’m not allowed to work on X right now because Y is more important,” “I can’t possibly start on project X until I am Fully Prepared for it which means doing all of Y preparations.”

Obviously sometimes these types of rules are necessary, but some people with adhd have a tendency to set them up when they’re neither necessary nor useful. So for example, for a long time my brain said “you’re not allowed to work on fanfic unless you’ve worked on your dissertation today.” And guess what happened most days? I did neither! All my brain could think about was fic, but I wasn’t allowed to do that, but it wouldn’t switch gears to dissertation.

Finally - and the only reason I ever got my dissertation done - I had to give myself permission to work on whatever my brain wanted to work on that day. And suddenly a dam broke and I was able to get fanfic out of my head to make room for the dissertation and I got both done!

Right now, it sounds like you’re setting up this kind of all-or-nothing approach. “I’m not allowed to Be Disabled unless I have all the disabled merch and am doing everything just right and have fully embraced this identity and dealt with all the implications.” So my advice would be that you don’t need to give yourself permission to do it all at once. Let yourself build this new identity one piece at a time. Work out a schedule to take the meds, but don’t start it yet. Let it sit for a couple days and see if it still makes sense when you look at it again. Buy one item off Etsy and see how you like it.

I’m guessing it will be a lot easier to allow yourself to do one thing, “just to try it out, see how it goes, see if I like it” than to do it ALL. Then each little step will help you get more comfortable with the next one.

If this does not sound like your problem please ignore me! Good luck either way ❤️

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

[sopebubbles]

I’m sad it’s over but also my heart 😌💖

It was all so perfect the last two chapters healed my soul cleared my acne and watered my crops

And I can’t stop imagining Jimin at the concert the next day just being like ARMY I have a baby girl mochi and army all referring to her as baby Mochi everytime a photo is posted by one of the guys even when Bora is like teenage and like jimin posting a pic on twitter or insta that night and tagging James cordon as a joke with the caption like “I’m papa mochi now” or something 😭💖💖💖 ugh it’s even cuter bc irl they’ve been open about wanting kids and they all deserve this life so much 😭💖

A/n: I debated about adding something about this in the last chapter, but I didn't want it to be too much. But since people wanted it, here it is!

Master list

Your eyes flutter open, surprised to see the sun flooding into your hospital room. You'd only had to wake up once in the night to feed Bora, and you had wanted so badly to stay awake, gazing at her for eternity, but your body simply couldn't do it. Your eyes immediately look to the empty bassinet beside you, your eyes opening in horror, only to look to your side and find your precious newborn in the arms of Jimin.

"What a beautiful sight," you smile over the pair of them.

Jimin looks up from her tiny face to your sleepy one with a smile so bright it almost beats the sun for the strongest light in the room. "We were hoping you could sleep a little more. I didn't want to wake you."

"Is she hungry?" You push yourself up in the hospital bed, using the remote to angle the back up. "If she's hungry, it's my job to wake up."

"Yeah, I guess she is," Jimin admits, standing to carry her over to you. He carefully transfers her to your arms. You waste no time in undoing your clothing to expose your breast to feed Bora. Jimin turns around with a slight blush on his cheeks and clears his throat.

"Jimin," you say with a tease in your voice as Bora latches onto you, "if you're serious about us and sticking around, you're going to have to get over this awkward part."

Jimin snickers, still a little shy, so he doesn't turn to face you just yet. "I am serious! Dead serious. It's just that you and I haven't seen each other like that, and I didn't know if you would want me to. See you, I mean."

"Jimin, it's fine. I'm just feeding Bora. I'll have to do this like 20 times a day, so we might as well just get used to it."

"Right, okay," Jimin says but still doesn't turn around, and you just shake your head, silently laughing at his bashfulness. "Uh, Jeongguk is on his way. Some of the others wanted to stop by, too, but I told them I'd have to ask you."

"That's fine. But they don't have to come. I know you guys are busy today. And you don't have to feel bad about going when it's time to go, either, baby. We'll just be here."

"I wanna be here. But I'll go when Namjoon drags me away," Jimin grins, finally facing you. He watches you both happily, feeling an almost surreal satisfaction, seeing you hold your child. "I stayed up most of the night watching her," he confesses, "watching both of you."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm. And you know what I noticed?" Jimin sits on the edge of your bed, as if he has some great secret to divulge.

"What?" You're barely listening, distractedly looking down at Bora's face.

"I think I was wrong before about Mochi having Guk's nose. I think she has your nose."

You crack a smile and look closely, trying to remember exactly what your own nose looks like as you examine hers. "That would certainly be very convenient," you mumble.

A couple of minutes after Bora finishes her first breakfast, Jeongguk arrives, looking a little tired but more excited and happy than you've ever seen him before.

"How's everyone this morning?" Guk asks as he approaches Jimin holding his daughter.

"She's perfect," Jimin beams.

"Where's Yn?" Jeongguk asks as Jimin transfers possession of the infant to the other man.

"She's just in the bathroom. The guys are already on their way, so she said she wanted to look presentable."

"Speaking of, you look exhausted. Was last night terrible?" Guk wonders before pulling Bora closer to him and dipping his head to smell the top of hers. He found that so addictive.

"No. She slept…well, like a baby. She only woke up once. It wasn't a big deal. I just…couldn't take my eyes off of her. I didn't want to close my eyes," Jimin admits.

Jeongguk looks down into Bora's alert chocolate eyes. "Yeah, I get that."

"Let me hold my niece!" Taehyung demands the moment he walks into your room a little while later. He's used his long legs to get ahead of Hoseok and Yoongi so he could be the first.

"Calm down," Jeongguk chuckles, turning to hand her over to his hyung. "Support her head."

"I know how to hold a baby," Taehyung mutters. "Held more babies than you ever will." All his features shift the moment he looks down at Bora's little face. His eyes open wide, and his smile does just the same. "Hello baby Bora! My name is V. But you can call me Uncle Taetae. I've been wanting to meet you for so long."

Hoseok's smile is just as big as he catches the man taking to his niece. "Don't hog her, Taehyung-ah."

"Gimme a few minutes, sheesh," Taehyung complains as he goes to sit with the baby in his arms.

Finally, after some time passes and with enough begging from Hoseok, Taehyung passed the little girl onto her other uncles. The next in line promises to make sure she's always well dressed, and Yoongi whispers a few words of approval before handing her to Jin. The eldest assures her that her cousins can't wait to meet her before eventually giving her over to Namjoon. The leader seems to examine her for a long time, not saying much as he cradles her gently against his chest. Although she'd grown sleepy between Jeongguk's arms and Seokjin's, she's now alert again, looking back up at Namjoon while everyone watches the pair.

"You're going to grow up to be a very special girl, aren't you, Bora?" he says finally, so tenderly, as if he's forgotten anyone else was even there.

Namjoon did eventually have to drag Jimin away from the two of you. There was an edge of excitement that carried them all through rehearsal, sound check and into the second night performance of Muster. Everyone in the stadium can feel their energy is even greater than the night before, but it isn't until they reach the encore that they reveal to the crowd the reason for their excitement.

"Army, did you have fun tonight?" J-Hope asks the crowd, receiving ecstatic screams in response.

"Muster has always been very special to us," Namjoon says, pulling out his ear piece. "It's our chance to celebrate our anniversary with you and to do something special for ARMY. This year has been extra special. You wanna tell them why, Jimin?"

All the boys look to Jimin as the huge smile that has been on his face all night seems to grow even more. "Muster is about us getting to meet with ARMY, and last night, the youngest member of ARMY arrived. Baby Mochi was born last night!" Jimin announces, covering his face and doubling over as he begins to tear up from sheer joy. The fans cheer in response, yelling questions, wanting to know if Mochi is a boy or girl, and what her name is.

"Ah, Jimin-ah, Mochi has a name now," Jin reminds him.

"That’s right," Jimin remembers. "A very special name for a very special little girl. Why don't you tell them her name, Jeonggukkie?"

Jeongguk smiles a bright, bunny smile as he looks back at Jimin. "Jimin-ssi, her name is Bora." ARMY cheers happily in response, imagining how cute Bora must be with all of them.

"That's it. Bora." Taehyung sighs. "Bora is a very lucky girl because she has all of you to look up to. All of ARMY. We purple you. So help us sing Bora's favorite song," Taehyung requests as the melody to Mikrokosmos begins.

As Jimin exits the stage that night, he can't seem to get his equipment off fast enough. He won't even bother to change before getting in the car with Junghoon and getting back to his girls as fast as possible. There's a part of him that was a little worried after they announced the birth in stage that there would be a lot of attention at the hospital, and he wants to be there to protect you and help you. But a much bigger part of him simply can't wait to have both of you in his arms again.

Taglist: @halesandy @burningupp-replies @lilacdreams-00 @minclangyyy @yoongiofmine @yonkimint @wholockian1 @cbgdoll @babycoffeefire @theatren3rd @bri-mal @armytwist @hwayne2294 @kazufuyusluv @n4mina @juju-227592 @mickmoon @yoongicenterofmyuniverse @likeshatteredrainbowglass @softforpj @chimchimsauce @arikimtanapon @outro-kook @ellesalazar @somewhereinthestarss @cscam @svgahigh @defcv28 @shydestinyyouth @bbl32 @eternally-writing-main @craftymoonchaos @chimchimmarie @sweetcheeksdna @lovelytaes-blog @mwitsmejk @cursedcursives @ncizen @elliegrace1999tvd @miffy1997 @borahae-reads @mattsunsupremacy @brit97 @heyjiminnie @natalie-rdr @lovergirl1316 @agustpark @lalisala @blueeyedlove-blog1

[likeshipsonthesea]

mianmian gets to the lan sect lectures, discovers very quickly that every one of her peers has decided to use this time to figure out how quickly they can get into bed with someone of the opposite sex, and decides almost immediately that she has to pick a suitably unattainable guy to have a crush on.

the thing is, mianmian is lanling jin’s head disciple. she is capable, intelligent, and very very gay. the last of these things she isn’t exactly keen on telling people yet for a variety of reasons up to and including jin zixuan will be so awkward and stubbornly supportive about it and she doesn’t know how to deal with that yet

so when her friends giggle over the other young masters and finally turn to mianmian-- who’s trying to memorize at least some of the fifty-thousand rules before their quiz tomorrow--and they ask her, “who do you like, mianmian?” she says the name that she carefully picked out of a handful of options.

“lan-er-gongzi,” she says, without looking up from her textbook, and she assumes that will be the end of it. 

lan wangji is both incredibly attractive and unrelentingly resistant to all attempts to flirt with him. she, like half the other female cultivators, can moon over him (or pretend to moon over him) all they want and nothing will come of it. it’s perfect. she’s a genius. the worst she’ll have to do now is pretend to be infatuated with him when her friends start gossiping. it’s fool proof.

spoiler: it’s not

it’s not, no, because her friends are horrible and immediately start gossiping about it to everyone, and usually mianmian wouldn’t care but then jin zixuan finds out. jin zixuan, whose marriage complex is being brought to center stage with the forced proximity to his bride-to-be. jin zixuan, who for some reason decided he has to live his stolen crush-addled youth vicariously through his only real friend that isn’t related to him. jin zixuan, who for some godforsaken reason takes it upon himself to contrive situations for mianmian and lan wangji to be alone together incessantly.

it unfortunately takes mianmian longer than she would like to figure out what’s happening. she’d give herself a break for it-- she was being responsible and studying, thank you very much-- but she doesn’t have much sympathy for her own stupidity seeing as she’s currently locked in a section of the lan library with the second jade of lan

and suddenly, suddenly she’s just so fucking tired. of studying, yeah, the tests here are brutal and there’s no one to bribe to make sure she doesn’t lose points on stupid things, but also tired of lying to the people she loves and tired of training this hard and being an amazing cultivator only for people to care more about her eventual marriage-- to a man of all things!-- and also, let’s be real here, she’s been in lectures with beautiful capable intelligent women for like months and she’s losing her gay ass mind

and so maybe, possibly, as she’s locked in a library with a clearly confused and annoyed second jade of lan she kind of, momentarily, loses it and rants all of this at his steadily widening eyes

at the end of it, she realizes with no small amount of panic that she’s just confessed not only her attraction to women but the fact that she’s been letting wen qing’s ears of all things distract her from her studies. if anything, she’s sure lan wangji will fault her for inattention

but the second jade of lan, after a drawn-out moment filled only with mianmian’s labored breathing and rising panic, simply says, “i understand.”

mianmian stops. she squints. she tilts her head. she squints some more. lan wangji’s ears go pink and just like that she realizes -- “you’re a cut-sleeve.”

lan wangji’s ears go even pinker. he doesn’t nod, or agree, or outwardly react in any way, but mianmian is a capable, intelligent cultivator, and she’s sure of it.

mianmian sighs with a relief she didn’t know she could feel. “thank the gods.”

lan wangji doesn’t seem to know what to make of this response, or mianmian’s increasingly frequent trips to the library following their conversation, or mianmian’s staunch determination to befriend the guy, but that’s alright. mianmian is old hat at befriending awkward sect heirs by this point.

it’s not like lan wangji expressed any desire for her friendship, but the prospect of not being the only one with absolutely no interest in the straight shenanigans happening at gusu lan summer camp is enough to let mianmian ignore his obvious confusion. lan wangji is a great listener and only sometimes blushes when mianmian waxes poetic about the beautiful women she’s forced to surround herself with every day

“no but you don’t understand,” mianmian insists, alone in the library with lan wangji, “jiang-guniang asked me to help her with a sword form. i put my hands on her waist. i said something idiotic bc she was so pretty and right there and then she laughed. lan wangji. i’m in love.”

“yesterday you were in love with wen-guniang,” lan wangji says as he impassively turns a page in his book. “has this changed?”

“no, i’m in love with both of them. all of them. lan wangji. they’re all so pretty all the time. it’s horrible.”

lan wangji presses his lips into a firmer line, which mianmian’s come to understand means he’s repressing a smile. “i’m sorry to hear it brings luo-guniang such trouble.”

mianmian groans, fairly undignified, but that’s a lost cause with lan wangji at this point anyway. “i swear, if jin zixuan says one more bad thing about her i’m going to punch him and marry her myself.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” which mianmian takes to mean that he supports her in this line of thinking, which she finds both quite sweet and ridiculously funny.

grinning, she teases, “lan-er-gongzi, if i do end up marrying jiang-guniang, will you bear witness to our elopement?”

lan wangji’s lips press again, this time in the way that means he’s repressing a frown. “jiang-guniang’s brothers wouldn’t allow for an elopement,” he says.

mianmian huffs. “as if yunmeng or lanling will deign to host our wedding.”

lan wangji appears to ponder this for a moment before he says, “gusu will host it,” and it’s at that moment that mianmian realizes she’s actually gone and fucking befriended the second jade of lan.

what is her life.

of course, it’s not long after that that she goes to find jin zixuan and explain that she can’t make their weekly sparring match today because she has plans with lan wangji (jiang yanli tenderly brushed some of mianmian’s hair away from her forehead while they were working on sword forms and if mianmian doesn’t tell someone about it she’s literally going to explode) and she’s trying to be as polite as possible only for jin zixuan to scoff and pout (”i don’t pout”) and say, “i never took you for one of those women who throw themselves so wantonly at a man”

it’s only for having been friends with this absolutely horrible communicator for most of her life that she doesn’t immediately punch him in the face. “what did you just say to me,” she demands, but jin zixuan just sets his jaw and looks away, flushing down his neck in the way his mother describes as unbecoming and--

and mianmian suddenly realizes that her ridiculous best friend is jealous of lan wangji. 

(in a friend way, of course, he’s like her brother, the one time his mother implied that he ought not get too close to women in case it jeopardizes his betrothal to jiang yanli, he insisted he didn’t have any female friends repeatedly as his mother delicately danced around outright saying mianmian’s name until finally she broke and jin zixuan was basically like huh?? mianmian doesn’t count?? she made me eat dirt like six times when we were kids)

the sheer ridiculousness of jin zixuan, to set her up with a guy and then get jealous when she spends all her time with him

and fuck her, but she loves her stupid awkward ridiculous sect heir best friend and she doesn’t want him to think she’s gone and left him for someone else (gods know jin zixuan’s loyalty complex rivals his marriage one (on second thought the two might be connected)) and so, after making a few quick decisions, mianmian grabs her stupid best friend by the wrist and pulls him to the library

he protests all the way there, but he’s been letting her drag him wherever she wants since they were five and it isn’t as if he’s going to break the pattern now. she drags him to the library and sits him down across a startled lan wangji and then finally breaks and gushes about jiang-guniang’s fingertips brushing her forehead and doesn’t look at jin zixuan once the whole time

lan wangji, on the other hand, sends jin zixuan frequent glances, as if worried on mianmian’s behalf, which is super sweet and also how the fuck did mianmian get two awkward sect heirs to care about her platonically wtf. she spares a thought for her poor auntie, who would’ve loved to have a sect heir care about her niece in much less platonic ways.

at the end of mianmian’s rant, jin zixuan is blinking quite a lot. “you like women?” he asks. he’s always been a bit slow on the uptake. mianmian nods. “you like jiang-guniang?”

mianmian shrugs. “more or less. she’s just really pretty and i’m dying about it. it’s fine.”

lan wangji says, “mn,” sympathetically and jin zixuan continues to gape.

mianmian winces. “you’re not going to be weird about this, are you?”

jin zixuan shakes his head quickly. “no, no-- of course not, i--you know that i--you’re my best friend, i don’t care--what does it matter to me, who you want to--to touch your hair.”

it’s probably the most awkward sentence he’s said to her in years, but possibly more articulate than she’d been expecting. it makes her tear up regardless and she punches him in the shoulder to hide it, and that’s basically how the three of them start hanging out in the library nearly every day after lecture.

sometimes they go to the sparring ground, bc who’s better sparring practice than the second jade of lan? and sometimes (once or twice) mianmian manages to convince lan wangji to join her and jin zixuan for lunch in caiyi town when they don’t have lecture, but mostly they meet in a secluded part of the library where mianmian can rant about how pretty all the women at lectures are, jin zixuan can turn pink whenever she mentions jiang-guniang, and lan wangji can “mn” and nod sympathetically at all the right parts

and mianmian thinks that’s going to be the end of it, they’re just going to be friends now and everything else will move on as usual, bc by some ridiculous trick of fate lan wangji and jin zixuan seem to like each other. which makes sense in hindsight bc they’re both awkward sect heirs who care about cultivation and people a lot even if they’re not great at showing it 

(and he’d never say it but mianmian thinks jin zixuan’s easy acceptance of her liking women is probably the first time lan wangji’s ever seen someone accept that kind of thing before (maybe, possibly, other than his brother, lan xichen seems really cool, even if he does smile kind of intensely at mianmian whenever he happens upon her hanging out with his little brother.))

so they’re friends, they’re unexpected friends, and sometimes lan wangji even makes jokes in that dry deadpan way of his and sometimes jin zixuan doesn’t completely trip over his own words and manages to act like a normal human being and mianmian gets two idiots to care about and a perfect place to vent her womanly frustrations, and she thinks that’s the end of it and then wei wuxian accosts her after lectures one day

“do you like lan zhan?” he asks accusingly, eyes narrowed to slits. “what am i even asking, of course you like lan zhan, but do you like-like him?”

mianmian thinks sadly to herself that she’s much too into women to be dealing with all these men’s emotional problems. “lan wangji is my friend,” she says, carefully sidestepping wei wuxian, who continues to squint at her suspiciously. really, he’d been amusing when he flirted with her, but this? this is just ridiculous.

“does he know that?” wei wuxian asks. “because if he doesn’t, that’s just leading him on, and it’s really not nice to--”

“lan wangji knows we’re friends,” she says, trying to enunciate to get her point across clearly. “you can ask him, if you don’t believe me.”

wei wuxian squints a moment longer before he turns and flounces off. mianmian thinks this is the end of it until she’s accosted again after dinner with, “he said you were friends!”

for some reason, wei wuxian seems even more troubled by this than earlier. mianmian tries to suppress her eyeroll. “i told you he would?”

“but how,” wei wuxian says, suddenly whining. “i’ve been trying to be his friend for months and he refuses to acknowledge me.”

oh, mianmian realizes with a quickly dawning horror. she and lan wangji are not the only cut-sleeves at cloud recesses this summer. (she has suspicions, of course, but no confirmations on any of the others, but this. wow.)

she also realizes, decides really, that she has enough repressed sect heirs in her life and she cannot deal with wei wuxian’s cut-sleeve crisis or his evidently large attachment to lan wangji right now. she turns decisively and walks the fuck away. not her problem.

the lectures end eventually, of course, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to lanling with a horde of golden robed disciples, freshly deflowered and not all together more learned. it’s what, she thinks grimly, their sect leader would want.

the first few weeks go by and she realizes that she’s missed unloading about her frequent and fast falling-in-loves. jin zixuan just doesn’t sympathize right, bless him, and so mianmian takes to writing letters. she sends two without receiving a reply and just starts to write the third when a letter with the gusu symbol is delivered to her room.

she’s almost expecting to find a single mn written on the page-- she would’ve been delighted with just that, actually, the sheer hilarity of such a thing-- but instead she finds several pages filled with lan wangji’s perfect calligraphy.

it’s more than he’s ever spoken out loud, but it seems that propriety dictated that he return mianmian’s extensive letter with one of his own and he’s done so admirably. he responds to the events mianmian detailed in her letters-- most succinctly summarized as, woman are gorgeous and i’m dying-- and then writes about his own life in cloud recesses. apparently, he went on a little night hunt with wei wuxian and also nie huaisang and jiang cheng were involved? seriously, mianmian misses out on all the fun.

he’s also apparently taken in some rabbits, which mianmian immediately decides she needs to see. lan wangji, sitting prim and proper, with a bunch of rabbits in his lap? amazing. wei wuxian would die on sight, she’s sure of it.

he also ends his letter with a warning about qishan wen that has mianmian frowning. she takes it to jin zixuan who reads the paragraph and frowns. “i’ll talk to my father about it,” he says, which she can tell by his hunched shoulders he doesn’t expect to do much.

“talk to your father’s general too,” she suggests, because that man at least thinks with his head and not his dick.

jin zixuan nods but doesn’t hand back the letter. he skims it instead with a barely concealed surprise at lan wangji’s previously hidden expansive vocabulary. mianmian snorts and grabs the letter back. “you can write to him yourself, you know.”

jin zixuan flushes down his neck. “i know!” he insists and then turns and runs away because he’s a coward. mianmian shakes her head, smiling. what an idiot.

still, another week goes by and a letter arrives from gusu and, when mianmian takes it, assuming it’s for her, she finds it addressed to jin zixuan in lan wangji’s impeccable calligraphy and she grins to herself like an idiot. look at jin zixuan, making friends

(she suddenly understands why lan xichen gave her all those intense smiles during the lan lectures)

they go on in this way, writing letters to lan wangji from lanling. sometimes mianmian steals jin zixuan’s letters before he sends them so she can squeeze in some ranting in the post script without wasting a whole second thing of paper, and lan wangji replies dutifully, more verbose than he ever was in person, and it’s nice okay, like. she and jin zixuan have been best friends since they were kids but neither of them has ever been any good at listening and lan wangji is just so honest and earnest in everything, like they didn’t realize that people outside of lanling were actually not always plotting your downfall??? who woulda thunk

and then of course the wens go and ruin everything. they go to the wen lectures bc jin guangshan doesn’t want to “anger our trading partner” like the guy isn’t obviously going to burn carp tower to the ground the first chance he gets, and mostly mianmian and jin zixuan are just vaguely annoyed and put out about it

then lan wangji shows up with a broken leg and a burned sect and they are ready to murder some dudes

after years of breaking in and out of carp tower she and jin zixuan are old hats at this breaking and entering stuff and they manage to sneak into lan wangji’s guest quarters and tend to his wounds, ignoring all his silent glares and ranting furiously about how they’re going to murder wen chao by making him choke on his own dick (mianmian) and how they’re going to war with the wen sect even if he has to threaten his father with acknowledging all of his bastards as proper siblings in public to do it (jin zixuan)

lan wangji just says “mn” and makes various muted, distressed expressions, but mianmian thinks he’s touched.

“are your brother and uncle alright?” she asks, when she’s set his broken leg and forced pain medication down his throat.

“brother escaped with our sacred texts,” lan wangji says. “uncle is... unwell.”

mianmian knows lan wangji hates touch but the way he says it, with this horrible little frown, emoting more than she’s ever seen him, his barely suppressed anger and grief literally making his hands shake into fists, mianmian can’t help it, she hugs him. “we’ll make them pay,” she swears into his shoulder, ruining the lines of his robes with how she clutches at them. “i promise you.”

jin zixuan awkwardly pats lan wangji’s shoulder, which is a lot for him and mianmian spares a moment to be proud of his growth.

unfortunately, wen chao seems to delight in torturing lan wangji on his injured leg and lan wangji refuses to show weakness, which both impresses mianmian and pisses her the fuck off. she approaches wen qing (and her still gorgeous ears, sigh) and asks her to tend to lan wangji, since she’s like actually a doctor. wen qing does bc she’s beautiful, intelligent, and kind and mianmian spends most of that night sighing deeply as she relates this to a significantly drugged lan wangji

the cave of the xuanwu goes about the same as you’d expect. wei wuxian saving her from getting her face branded off is pretty rad of him, though he could’ve just like knocked the brand away instead of throwing himself in front of it but whatever, you do you boo. when lan wangji gets left behind the two of them don’t even have to wait for jiang cheng to grumble and ask for their help, they’re already on their way to carp tower for an army, thank you very much

when they rescue wei wuxian and lan wangji and lan wangji immediately turns to walk back to cloud recesses on a broken leg mianmian says, “fuck no, that’s not happening, you’re getting medical attention and then someone will fly you back home, okay, wtf wangji, sit down.”

and lan wangji is a stubborn bitch so obvs he’s like no but he’s also severely starved, dehydrated, and injured, so it’s not like he can just shake off mianmian holding him down and this goes on long enough for wei wuxian to wake up and see mianmian touching lan wangji, and something in his poor little brain just like breaks and he demands says, “lan zhan, come back to lotus pier with us.”

his argument, as he explains it, is that lotus pier is closer (it’s not; they’re just as close to carp tower as lotus pier) and that it’s closer to gusu for when lan wangji has to return home (it’s not; same deal) but then jiang cheng starts yelling, possibly in support possibly not mianmian’s not sure, and jin zixuan starts getting awkward, probably about the whole golden army behind him bc he’s a nerd and hates being overdressed at functions (this is basically the same thing), and mianmian looks at lan wangji and she sees--

something. she isn’t sure what exactly, but lan wangji looks at wei wuxian as he argues with his brother and he presses his lips into a thin line in the way that means he wants to smile and mianmian thinks, oh. maybe wei wuxian isn’t completely unrequited in his lan wangji obsession.

growing up in lanling, she knows how to use information to her advantage, so she immediately says, “young masters wei and jiang, what a great idea. lanling’s disciples would be pleased to accompany you and second young master lan to lotus pier to ensure everyone’s safe arrival.”

everyone splutters, indignant, confused, awkward (jiang cheng, wei wuxian, and jin zixuan, respectively) but lan wangji narrows his eyes at mianmian and doesn’t try to convince her to let him walk to gusu again, so she counts it as a win.

sect leader jiang and his wife seem surprised and annoyed, respectively, to be taking in so many guests, but sect leader jiang merely smiles pleasantly and directs them to some guest quarters and mianmian and wei wuxian ask, simultaneously, for doctors to tend to lan wangji and wei wuxian makes a face at her and mianmian sighs to herself that she really is too gay to be in the middle of his thing with lan wangji.

turns out, walking a lot and fighting a cannibalistic turtle on a broken leg doesn’t do wonders for healing. lan wangji is also the worst patient ever, he keeps trying to sneak out and get up even though word came from his brother that he’s safe and alright and that cloud recesses is starting to rebuild after qinghe nie and lanling jin came to its aid and pushed out the wen

but with the combined efforts of mianmian, jin zixuan, and wei wuxian (and even jiang yanli at one point, bc who could say no to her soup??) they manage to get lan wangji to just rest for a fucking second, really which results in the jin disciples and lan wangji staying in lotus pier for longer than anyone could’ve expected

mianmian spends most of her time (when she isn’t forcing lan wangji to just fucking stay in bed) working with the jiang disciples, practicing archery, sword forms, and mooning after all the beautiful women here.

(”lan wangji, i know she’s scary, but have you seen madam yu? she could whip me with zidian and i’d thank her” “luo-guniang, please don’t ask madam yu to whip you” OR “lan wangji, i’m almost positive madam yu’s maids are a thing, do you think they’d let me join them just like once” “luo-guniang, could you please pass me my sword?” “why” “i’d like to put myself out of this misery” OR “she made me soup. lan wangji. lan wangji, i know you’re not sleeping, wake up, you have to listen to me, this soup”)

they end up staying so long that when wang lingjiao shows up threatening a child about a kite while sect leader jiang is away, she has a lot more to deal with than madam yu. since none of this had been a “sanctioned visit” no one actually knew that there was nearly an entire troop of jin disciples staying at lotus pier, so when the wens attack they are sorely unprepared for what they’re going to face.

(and ofc lan wangji breaks out of bed heroically and keeps madam yu from whipping wei wuxian, which means they aren’t down one of their most powerful fighters and mianmian has to suffer through the moon eyes they’re making at one another in the middle of a battle no less, she knew wei wuxian had no shame but she’d been hoping lan wangji would have some)

after the wen attack (and defeat) on lotus pier and the jin’s inarguable part in it, the war starts in earnest. lan wangji, after his long rest, heals fine and goes back to gusu to help rebuild his sect and plan for war, and mianmian and jin zixuan return to carp tower to plan as well, ignoring jin guangshan and focusing instead on his general to ensure lanling supplies necessary aid in the war effort

and war is always shitty, of course, and mianmian hates watching her sect family die on the battlefield, hates waiting for updates after every battle to see who’s still alive, hates the politics and jin guangshan trying to wheedle his way out of fighting when there’s fucking lives on the line

(and she could never know, how much easier it is, with yunmeng jiang at its full strength, with one of the brightest minds of their generation there to plot and help, with two of the best fighters not out searching for someone and instead focused on the front)

they reach nightless city after months of fighting and mianmian is ready to just fucking stab wen ruohan herself when they’re suddenly trapped. blocked in on all sides by puppets, their fallen soldiers rising again to turn on them, and it--it looks like they’re gonna die.

“this sucks,” she says to lan wangji, stifling her fear and choking it down. “i never even got to kiss a girl.”

lan wangji just says “mn.”

jin zixuan, beside them, says, “i was an idiot about jiang-guniang.”

lan wangji just says, “mn.”

then wei wuxian pulls out a fucking flute and a-- floating piece of metal?  the army of puppets and corpses stops advancing, held in place by-- music, apparently? and wen ruohan emerges from his lair, black energy falling off him in waves, wei wuxian the idiot flies forward to meet him, gets wen ruohan’s hand around his throat for his trouble.

lan wangji yells, “wei ying!” and mianmian thinks, really not fair that lan wangji is gonna get a boyfriend before i get a girlfriend

and then wen ruohan gets stabbed by jin zixuan’s half brother of all people. wen ruohan, along with his puppets and wei wuxian, fall to the ground. lan wangji rushes forward to catch wei wuxian, mianmian runs after him, finds herself in company with jin zixuan and jiang cheng. when they get there, wei wuxian is barely conscious but he’s-- he’s fucking grinning up at lan wangji from the cradle of lan wangji’s arms

“lan zhan,” he says, “you caught me.”

lan wangji nods, says, “mn,” which is basically his equivalent of i’ll always catch you, wei ying.

���really,” mianmian says aloud, “it’s so unfair.”

the aftermath of the war is more annoying than the war itself, what with all the politics and in-fighting and jin guangshan trying to be the biggest dick there ever was. jin guangshan tries to name himself chief cultivator in wen ruohan’s stead but nie mingjue suggests jiang fengmian instead and the lan sect backs him. jin guangshan tries to demonize the wens but at wei wuxian’s loud rebuttal and sect leader jiang’s backing (which is then backed by both gusu lan and qinghe nie) he’s once again shouted down. and then jin guangshan tries to propose to jiang-guniang for his son and the poor woman just seems so awkward and her father doesn’t seem to know what to say and--

mianmian elbows jin zixuan whose eyes widen ridiculously but, after another, harder hit, he suddenly stands. all eyes go to him, which mianmian knows he hates, but he bows to his father, then jiang yanli, and says, “jiang-guniang, forgive my father’s impertinence. this is not the time or place to be making such an offer, but he--” jin zixuan winces visibly. “--he knows of my feelings and wishes to make his foolish son happy. please, do not feel the need to respond.”

then he promptly sits down, flushing down to his neck, and mianmian shares a disbelieving glance with lan wangji from across the horrible nightless city palace room.

she’d really only meant for him to suggest jiang yanli answer privately, at a later time, but wow, jin zixuan really went for it. also no way jin guangshan knows his son has fallen in love with jiang yanli, so nice save face there. maybe he has been paying attention in all of their etiquette and political espionage classes.

jiang yanli flushes way prettier than jin zixuan and nods politely, stands and bows and thanks the jin clan for being considerate in this time of turmoil, perhaps they can discuss this matter at a later date (jin zixuan looks like he nearly faints at this, and mianmian feels vindicated in all her forlorn ranting. overreacting her ass)

when everything has been settled, wen qing has been appointed the new sect leader of qishan wen with promises to return land to those who lost it and pay reparations to the hurt civilians, as well as have the yin iron destroyed for good. during the final ceremony where all the sects have tea and pledge to be loyal to one another (until the next great war, of course) mianmian leans close to lan wangji and sighs, “her ears look even lovelier with her hair tied back by her new sect leader hairpiece.”

lan wangji says “mn” because he’s a cut sleeve in love with wei wuxian and has nothing even closely resembling taste.

mianmian, on her own, decides to make them both happy. before the jin clan departs from nightless city, she goes up to wei wuxian and asks for a moment of his time. wei wuxian seems confused but follows and, once they’re alone, he says, “mianmian, are you about to get me into bed, because i must tell you that i am a respectable young cultivator and you’ll need to marry me before--”

mianmian gives him her best unimpressed look (she’s had much practice with it, thank you jin zixuan) and cuts him off with, “i like women.” 

wei wuxian’s eyes go wide. “but you and lan zhan--”

she cuts him off again before he can say something so stupid she has to stop talking to him to refrain from breaking all laws of propriety. “look,” she says, “you’re friends with wen qing. now that she’s sect leader, your brother can’t go after her. i, on the other hand, very much can. if you promise to figure out a way for me and her to get close, i’ll tell you a secret you’ll like very much.”

wei wuxian seems hesitant for all of half a second before he breaks. “tell me.”

“do you promise?”

wei wuxian raises three fingers. “promise.”

“on your sister’s life?”

begrudgingly, wei wuxian nods.

“on her soup?”

“just get on with it!”

mianmian smirks, pushes onto her tiptoes, and whispers the secret into wei wuxian’s ear. with that, she returns to the pavilion where all the sects mingle as they wait to depart, wei wuxian trailing behind her in a daze, his mouth hanging open.

lan wangji, who had been watching since mianmian asked wei wuxian for a moment to talk, frowns nearly imperceptibly. mianmian grins at him and his frown grows.

ah, whatever. she walks over to him, unbothered by the quickly growing alarm in his eyes. once next to him, she turns around to see wei wuxian staring unabashedly. her smile only widens.

“you’re going to thank me for this,” she says.

wei wuxian shakes himself, his eyes focusing, and immediately starts walking towards them.

lan wangji, voice flat but wavering, asks, “luo-guniang, what did you do?”

mianmian laughs, says, “i get to give a speech at your wedding,” and walks away just as wei wuxian reaches them.

(she does, actually, give a speech at their wedding. she may or may not be drunk during it, jin zixuan gets embarrassed for her, and she starts tearing up and has to hide it in the shoulder of her wife’s lovely well-tailored robes. it’s alright, though, wen qing doesn’t mind)

EDIT: now on AO3 with a real fic version from lwj’s pov!

[9tzuyu]

who you are

note: mostly made this for my own comfort, but i do hope it helps and/or comforts any fellow lesbians :]. i normally wouldn’t specify sexualities on any characters because obviously everyones going to feel differently about different characters, but like i said this started off for my own comfort bcs i was hashtag goin through it.

prompt: basically just reader struggling to accept themselves as a lesbian. sorry non lesbians :(

warnings: heavy heavy heavy on internalized lesbophobia. talks about comphet (trying to force oneself to like men) and wanting to be ‘normal’

thank u ally for proofreading <3

not tagging anyone just because i don’t want to trigger :[

. . .

you were wrestling with something, natasha could tell that much. your eyebrows were drawn together, eyes lost in a gaze. it wasn’t until the third time tony called your name when you snapped out of it.

“sorry,” you mumbled.

“well are you going to answer the question?”

natasha noted the tapping of your foot, knuckles cracking beneath the table. it was obvious you weren’t in the right state of mind to be answering any kind of question. foolishly, no one else picked up on that except for the redhead.

“what was the question?”

tony sighed, his patience growing thinner by the second.

“i asked if your report was done. it was supposed to be handed in three days ago, remember?”

your foot tapped faster.

“yeah- yeah, i’m almost finished.”

it wasn’t like you to be so late on things like this, you were usually on top of everything.

“you told me you would have it ready by today. this is the fourth time this month that you’ve done this. you’re dragging your ass and the rest of us are getting pretty tired of it.” a collective agreement could be heard from the team. all eyes were on you waiting for a reply.

if you hadn’t felt anxious before, you most definitely did now.

“it won’t happen again.” tony blew off your statement and rolled his eyes. you shifted uncomfortably, nauseous from all the negative attention.

you couldn’t help but wonder if they knew. maybe that’s why they were being so short. it made sense after all.

natasha tried making her way towards you, but she was stopped by steve’s hand on her shoulder. you were well past gone by the time she managed to scramble away from him.

your back pressed flatly against the wall, tears steadily falling down your face. hatred was all you felt. hatred towards yourself. 

why couldn’t you be like the rest of them? why didn’t you belong? 

whywhywhywhywhywhy

granted, you knew there was absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. that was never the issue. the issue was the fact that it was yourself, that there was no possibility for you to ever be attracted to men. 

you were sure it would be a phase, that it would pass, that you would forget about it and never think about it again. you tried to go on dates, tried to form a relationship, tried to enjoy having sex with them. none of it worked, no matter how much you forced yourself to believe it would. 

all you could think about was how sick and disgusting you felt. and the shit representation didn’t help your case at all. the media hardly ever portrayed a good, well-rounded lesbian character that wasn’t problematic, over-sexualized or dead. 

the media only reiterated the fact that you were supposed to want men. you were supposed to find the right guy and fall in love with him, call him your husband and start a family. 

a knock on your door pulled you away from your thoughts. you shuffled your way back to your feet, drying your eyes for good measurement. 

natasha stood patiently, eyes drilled on your doorknob. if it were up to her she’d be picking your lock, but she knew that would be crossing a boundary. she went to knock again when your door swung open. 

“hi nat.”

“hey,” her voice was soft. “you’ve been crying...” she pressed her hand against your face, thumb rubbing the top of your cheekbone. 

you shrugged. it wasn’t like you could deny her, your red eyes had already given away the truth. “yeah.” 

she hummed, “may i come in?”

you hesitantly moved out of the way to let her through, cursing at yourself for finding her so attractive. 

“you know you can talk to me, you always do. why haven’t you said anything?” natasha moved to sit on the edge of your bed. “you’ve grown quiet these past few days, it’s not like you.”

“i’m just tired, worn out from work i suppose.”

she nodded, though she knew better than to believe such a lie. natasha could always tell when you were lying, something you both hated and loved at the same time. 

you sat next to her after a friendly tap on the bed. her gaze made you feel like a little kid in trouble. it was as if she already knew and was prepared to say the worse.

“i don’t believe you.” 

“well, i don’t know what you want me to tell you, nat.”

“how about the truth?” you scoffed purely out of defense. “and what good would that do?” 

“it might relieve whatever you’ve got on your heart.” you met natasha’s eyes and your lip immediately began to quiver.

“i’m afraid you won’t be able to look at me the same.” 

she softened, taking your hand in hers. “there’s nothing in the world that would change the way i see you.”

“you say that now, nat, but-”

“i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t mean it.” 

you thought about it further. natasha had never been one to judge someone based on the things they’ve been through, the things they’ve done or the things that make them who they are. she saw people the way they were, nothing more, nothing less. 

but what if she didn’t like you or see you the way you were? you weren’t sure you could handle the aftermath if that were to be the case. it was bad enough you struggled to accept yourself, natasha’s disapproval would only break you. 

“i’m a lesbian.” a lump in your throat began to form and you found yourself crying once more. “i tried so hard, i tried everything i could think of, but i can’t, i don’t like men.”

you coughed, choking on your words. 

“i don’t understand, nat! i don’t understand why i can’t be normal. why can’t i do it? if i just liked men i would be okay, i would be fine, i would be fucking accepted.” you paused for a breath of air. “i just want to be normal.” 

natasha was taken back by your confession. it was nothing near what she thought it would be. she expected you to tell her you’d been stressed or that you were scared for the next mission. 

“i’m sorry, i-”

the spy quickly cupped your face, tilting your chin upwards as a hint to meet her eyes again.

“look at me, c’mon, hey. you have nothing to be sorry for, don’t ever think that you do. i love you for who you are. there’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. you’re normal, you’re who you are, who you’re supposed to be. you are real. i promise you are.” 

without thinking you leaned into natasha, clinging on to her for dear life. her arms found their way around your body, hands rubbing your back up and down. 

“you should be proud to be who you are, not ashamed. and if you’re not proud of yourself then please know that i am. i am so, so, incredibly proud of you, sweetheart.” she finger brushed your hair as you continued to cry. “shhh, you’re alright baby. i’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this alone.”

“it’s okay nat.” she gave your body a small squeeze, frowning at your response. “you shouldn’t have to feel like you need to force yourself to be someone or something you’re not. you don’t deserve to struggle so much for your own acceptance as a lesbian.” 

you nodded, though she could tell you weren’t fully convinced. “the only opinions you should care about are your own and the people you love and cherish. i know that’s easier said than done, but it’s true. besides, what you told me just gives me something more to love about you.” natasha finished off with a delicate kiss to your forehead. 

“this means a lot to me, nat. thank you, for everything really.” 

“oh sweetheart i should be thanking you for trusting me with such an important part of you are.” you shied away, a growing smile forming on your face as you leaned into her shoulder.

natahsa smirked, clearly aware of the effect she had on you. “who knew you could be so cute?” 

“nattttt.” 

she rose her hands up in surrender, “alright, alright. i’ll stop on one condition.” 

“what’s that?” you mumbled. 

“would you let me take you out for dinner tonight? i’ll show you just how beautiful it is to be with a woman.” 

“yeah, yes- yes please, that’s fine.” natasha could’ve sworn she heard your heartbeat quicken and she had to refrain from letting out a small laugh at your flustered state. 

“we need to clear that little mind of yours. i’ll be back here at seven on the dot, okay?” a pat on the leg caught your senses as you watched her stand. the last thing natasha heard was the soft “okay” fall from your lips as she walked out the door.

you’d never been happier to be a lesbian in your life by the end of the night.