#most of my ocs have pretty coherent tastes in music

[hotdiggitydog-billy]

When making playlists for your oc, you really have to dig deep and ask yourself. Are they curating a coherent playlist or are they putting Mitski and Smashmouth in the same playlist.

[cosmic-cd]

i'm going through my OC playlists for my DIMENSION/CROSS guys so far as i'm thinking about what to add! they're unfinished, so i'm not making 'em public- (but if we're mutuals or i've ever spoken to you directly about RGB & Co., feel free to ask me for a link if you wanna give 'em a listen! i'd love to ask a few people for song suggestions!)

the consensus is:

RGB's is the most coherent (because it's all songs I like and not all of them are necessarily tied to her as a character- because she's me and she shares my taste in music) and i've got it organized in a way where it's listenable, even if it's got a lotta genres in it so far! (A couple of example tracks in the playlist so far: Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai, Galactic Whisper by Snail's House, Levitating by Dua Lipa)

Gear's sure.. something, so far. I mean, Gear's kind of a sum of a lot of characters I like- he's primarily some mix of Barney Calhoun and Sonic the Hedgehog, with a bit of Tails and TF2 Engineer thrown in. he's kind of just a Lot, but his playlist isn't very well organized right now, so it's a little mood whiplash-y while I figure out his taste. while I can't put in Mike Shapiro's (the VA for Barney and G-Man) version on a spotify playlist, i've got House of the Rising Sun by The Animals in there... as well as Escape from the City (cover by Skye Rocket!) and also Space Boy from Initial D. (also Cry For You by September because of that one Barney meme that i need to go find and reblog again) i do like how it's coming so far otherwise, it's just. ough. how to make this one work...

Source... they're kind of meant to be dimension cross's comic relief???????? but his playlist is coming out DEPRESSING. it's the shortest by far so far, but so far we range from Donut Hole by Hachi, and phony (english cover by Will Stetson), to Love Foolosophy by Jamiroquai.... yeah this poor mushroom in a fursuit's kinda Goin Through It. i was gonna put like, funny music in his but i think that'd be too much mood whiplash 😭

i don't have playlists for the other two members of DIMENSION/CROSS yet, but i'm rotating them in my mind a little. i gotta hammer out DC's personality a little better and the new fella has some tracks dedicated to them in RGB's playlist, but i'm gonna do DC's first, prolly!

additionally, every playlist for DIMENSION/CROSS's crew includes Phoenix by Netrum & Halvorsen because i consider it pretty much their theme song LOL (but it also slaps)

but yeah!!! i've given making OC playlists a try a couple times in the past but this is a more concerted effort to make COHERENT OC playlists that tell a story. so far, it's fun!! i'll also probably sit down and transcribe these over to youtube playlists as well, since i can't put every song i want on these through spotify... i wish there was a better way of making shareable playlists........ (if anyone DOES know of a way lmk)

[fanfics-await-you]

I never know what to expect from him (Part 4)

Pairing: Poe Dameron/Female OC

Summary: Poe Dameron is your friend, your fellow resistance fighter, but most of all he's a goddamn pain in your ass. And yeah, maybe you're falling for him and well yes, it seems like he's falling for you too, but now REALLY isn't the time.

Tags: angst, a pair of dumbasses unnecessarily complicating things, minor ROS spoilers

notes: Thank you for coming back after so long. It took me far longer than I’d imagined to remember how to write again.

There’s gonna be another part simply because this ended up being so long lol. I’ve written like 80% of the final part so that should be up pretty soon.

Inspired by: @polkanote‘s post & @andhumanslovedstories‘s post

Word Count: 1,913

masterlist

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 5

Everything damn fucking hurts.

It’s my first coherent thought to rise from the white noise. Stars, I simultaneously need to puke and eat a whole battalion’s worth of rations. I don’t move yet, but allow the pain throughout my body to pulse and subside.

Why do I hurt so much?

I backpaddle through the haze. Exegol…Lightning…Crash…

Ah, yes. Breaking a 5-metre fall with your ribs does that.

The rest is a blank.

There’s a shout in the distance. Although it’s distant, the voice is somehow familiar, and I open my eyes. I’m greeted by the sterile whites of a med room and a flicker of fear blossoms in my chest.

Shit, was I captured?

I quickly look to my wrists for restraints but find nothing. The fear begins to dissolve, but I still have no clue where I am. I hear feet outside the room and attempt to sit u-

“Fuck!” The word bites but is barely audible.

I freeze for a second as I allow my body to air its grievances. Slower, I try again and manage to prop myself up against the pillows. The static is starting to clear, thank the Maker, but my memory is not returning. I guess I’ll just have to wait until someone turns up.

A woman speaks just outside the door, “Don’t wake her, Dameron.”

...

…He’s alive.

The door opens far too slowly to reveal a bare-foot and out of breath Poe. The sight of him clears the rest of the haze while a bright feeling bubbles its way through my chest.

We speak at the same time.

“You’re here.” I am elated that we have both survived Exegol, against the odds.

“You’re alive.” Poe’s voice, however, is barely a whisper, and his face is haunted.

He stands motionless in the doorway as I look at him puzzled.

“Of course, I am. You think a little fall could kill me?” I joke.

Poe still doesn’t move but simply repeats himself.

“Kess, you’re alive,” his voice is scratchy, like he’s been crying.

A chord of worry pulls in my chest, and all I want is to spring out of bed and wrap myself around him. Given the radiating pain still lingering in my chest, I go for the next thing.

I slowly reach out my hand towards him. “Poe? What’s wrong?”

He’s suddenly in motion. Poe takes my hand between his palms and sinks into the chair beside the bed all the while never taking his gaze from my face. As we stare at each other for a moment, I realise that he has been crying and my brow scrunches up in concern.

Gingerly, I place my other hand on his cheek and quietly ask, “Poe, tell me. What happened?”

Poe takes a deep breath and leans into my palm before lowering his gaze to our intertwined hands.

“I watched your X-wing explode into a thousand pieces with no sign of a parachute…Kess, we all thought you were dead,” he says quietly.

A metallic taste, like blood, settles in my mouth as the news of my apparent death sinks in. I want to respond but my tongue has gone dead in my mouth. I simply can’t find the words, so I squeeze his clasped hands and wait for him to continue. Multiple breaths pass before Poe’s ready to continue.

“I- I thought you were dead. I thought that after everything, we had won only for me to lose everything…for me to lose you.”

Poe leans forward to set his elbows on the bed and bring his forehead to rest upon our hands, as if in prayer. It’s only as I notice his hot tears trailing down our fingers that I realise that my eyes are stinging.

“And Kess,” his voice cracks at my name, “It was unbearable. I wanted- I wanted to burn down the entire First Order for daring to even touch you.”

I see Poe’s jaw clench and can feel the shiver of his hands against my skin. Again, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him but still, I let him finish.

Poe’s voice shakes, “But afterwards, when we returned in triumph, it became so much worse. Because I had let you go. Because it all meant nothing without you. Because I had failed you.”

We sit in silence for a moment as the weight of his words sink in. My tears finally fall and something like guilt is throbbing against my sternum. Thank the Maker, at least this time I know what to say. I bring the hand that had drifted to Poe’s shoulder up to his chin and make him lift his head to meet my eyes.

“Never,” I say, “in all the time that I have known you, Poe Dameron, have you ever failed me. Never. Do you understand me?”

He just shuts his eyes.

I speak again, more sternly, “Never, Poe, do you hear me?”

Poe doesn’t respond, but nods slightly.

“I’m sorry things turned out the way they did, but look at me, Poe. I’m still here.”

Poe just grasps my hand tighter.

I brush away the few tears that still cling to his face. “Poe.”

He finally opens his eyes and I whisper out the words, “I’m still here.”

Poe smiles slightly and the world feels a little bit more right. We sit in silence for a while, just gazing at each other, before a question arises out of something he’s said.

“Wait, so did we win? Did we take out the fleet?” I say.

Poe looks at me in confusion, “You don’t remember?”

I shrug, “I remember an explosion that blew out my chute, and then hitting the ground hard. The rest is black. I don’t know how I got here.”

He shakes his head in surprise and disbelief for a second. Poe then releases my hand in order to cradle my face between his palms. His face is covered in the hugest grin.

Out of instinct, I smile slightly back, “What? What is it?”

“Yeah, we took out the Exegol fleet. And the whole First Order… Kessandra, we won the war.”

I’m dumbfounded.

I open my mouth, but my lips form silent words and nothing come out. Poe continues to smile but also raises a single finger to the air, asking me to pause. I just stare back at him as he tilts his head slightly towards the door.

“Can you hear the music?” Poe whispers, and I turn my attention beyond the quiet of the med wing.

Faintly, but clearly, the song of strings and the low beating of drums can just be heard. Above them both, a muted chorus of singing, clapping, and laughter finds its way to us. In that second, it truly sinks in.

We won?

I clap a hand to my mouth and Poe excitedly nods in response.

“The war is over, Kess. We won.”

In spite of the pain that still loiters in my chest, I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. He hugs me back and laughs quietly as he holds me. We sit, intertwined, as I try to understand what has happened. The thoughts keep spinning and whirling through my head as I struggle to fully comprehend what they mean. Suddenly, two things become crystal clear to me.

I don’t want to leave Poe’s side ever again.

I need to get out of this room.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Poe pulls back in order to look me in the face.

A snort slips out of his mouth, “You’re serious?”

I roll my eyes. “Of course I am. If we just won the war, then I’m not staying in this room a moment longer.”

A twinge of concern appears on Poe’s face. “Kess, you’re injured. You need to rest.”

I lightly push him back and go to push the blanket back before pausing. Subtly, I check something. Ah yes, I’m wearing pants. Good first step.

Poe places a hand on my shoulder before I can try to move again and looks at me seriously.

I place a hand over his, but don’t back down. “This is a night that will go down in history. I’m not missing it for a few cracked ribs.”

He looks close to relenting but not quite convinced, so I smile and speak softly, “I’ll be alright, Poe. You’ll pick me up if I fall, right?”

I can see the smile in his eyes, and I know that it’s going to be fine. With every passing breath, I feel a little more like myself and so, I do what comes naturally: order Poe around.

“Alright, you go find us some shoes while I get up. Also, don’t let the nurse-bots see you, you remember how that went last time we tried to sneak out.” I laugh as he sits back slightly and rolls his eyes.

Poe stands and gives a mock salute. “Yes, right away, boss.”

I watch with a smile as he disappears out the door. Slowly, I begin the process of pushing back the blankets and placing my feet on the ground. Thankfully, although my whole body is aching, only my ribs are really giving me grief. Sure, everything’s going to hurt like I’ve been run over by a tank tomorrow, but that’s not my problem right now. I lightly stretch as I better survey the extent of the damage.

“You look about ready to run a marathon,” Poe’s voice is gently mocking as he closes the door behind him.

“You know, if there was something in reach, I’d be pegging it at your head right about now.”

“If you’re dealing out threats like that, maybe I should keep the shoes.”

“Would you just shut up and get over here and help me.”

“Anything for my favourite girl.”

I roll my eyes at the endearment, but it blossoms a warm but equally longing glow inside my chest. Poe sits at the chair and gently pulls one of my feet into his lap. I stare at him in comfortable silence as he tenderly puts my shoes on. For a couple of breaths after, we sit like this with his hands resting on my calves before Poe evidently remembers our plan.

With a shake of his head, he slowly places my feet on the ground before standing. “C’mon party animal, isn’t there somewhere we’re supposed to be?”

Poe extends his hands as an anchor, which I use to pull myself to standing. I sway slightly, and quickly one of Poe’s hands goes to my hip to steady me. In one way it works, and the horizon stops moving. On the other hand, my knees feel a little bit weaker, and I might be blushing. Ignoring the heat in my cheeks, I nod my head to signal that I’m ready. Poe releases my hand and steps so that he’s standing beside me. In the process of doing this, the hand steadying me draws a caressing line across the small of my back in order to rest upon the other side of my hip. Shit, I’m definitely blushing now. I glance at Poe and see that he’s grinning back at me. He did that on purpose. Jackass. Nonetheless, the pressures of his hands are more than welcome as Poe drapes my closest arm across his shoulders.

“You comfy, Kess?” His tone is teasing.

I shake my head in joke annoyance. “Shut up, let’s go.”

[aiatiwoyouryrarialv]

“Not As Think As You Drunk I Am”

Words: 1,777

Rating: T

Warnings: Alcohol and drunkenness

Categories: M/M

Part 5 of “Indomitable Ferity”

Characters: Alex Kralie, Timothy Wright, Jay Merrick, Brian Thomas

Relationships: Brian Thomas/Timothy Wright

Alex's apartment was small. He truly didn't mind the size of the space but there were times when he was forced to realize exactly how inconveniently small it was. For example, when his college friends decided they were going to have a party and that they wanted to have it at Alex's place.

The living room was just big enough to seat four, maybe five people, but no more than that; the rest of the apartment was the same. Therefore, Alex was forced to resort to asking Jay for his help.

"Please, Jay? Just for a few hours? I'll make sure nothing gets broken or trashed."

Jay sighed, running a hand through his hair in contemplation. He really didn't want to open his home up to a bunch of rowdy adult-aged children. Then again, all four of them would be home to keep an eye on things, unless Tim and Brian decided to go out for the night.

"Promise me you've got this under control," Jay finally said.

"Yes! I promise! Nothing will go wrong, I promise," Alex quickly reassured.

"I'm going to hold you to that."

🎉   🎉   🎉

Jay and Tim's house was overflowing with people. The party had officially started at eight o'clock but over an hour later, people were still pouring in. The vast majority of the party-goers hadn't been invited and Alex could only assume that word of a party had gotten around. However, despite the large number in attendance, Alex was doing an adequate job of keeping true to the promise he had made Jay. A few drinks had been spilled but not on the carpet or furniture and the mess had been cleaned up quickly.

To Jay's surprise, Tim and Brian had decided to stick around. The loud, boisterous group of people most definitely was not the kind of crowd either of them belonged in but they didn't seem to mind. Tim introduced himself to a few people and seemed to find someone he could relate to and Brian, well, even after all that had happened, he still held his outgoing, bright spirit.

The party had been going for nearly three hours and there was hardly any room to walk. Every space was packed; people stood along the stairs, overcrowded the couch, sat on the kitchen counter, lounged about on the porch railings. When alcohol had appeared, Alex had been quick to reassure Jay that everyone was over the age of twenty one (and silently prayed that everyone left before the cops could be called and his cover was blown).

Among all of the unfamiliar faces crowding his living space, one in particular seemed to catch Brian's attention. Though he normally wasn't one to drink, especially excessively, Brian had decided that a few beers couldn't hurt; subsequently, his vision was currently blurred, his eyes focusing every few seconds on objects around the room but the signal was delayed in reaching his brain and, either way, Brian didn't really care.

Beer in hand, Brian slowly made his way through the kitchen toward the attractive stranger. Most of his details were lost between Brian's hazy vision and the dim light of the kitchen, but Brian could make out some of his dark features. Forcing his eyes to focus, he glanced down to find the stranger's shirt was black with the word "ToTheArk" printed in white toward the bottom, an album cover covering most of the space.

"ToTheArk," Brian began, forcing his gaze up to the man's - the stranger was a man, right? Brian was pretty sure he was - face though his eyes refused to cooperate. "Good band. Your favourite song?"

The stranger - yes, he was definitely a man - chuckled before replying, "If I had to choose, either 'Regards' or 'Solipsis'." His voice sounded much too familiar to Brian but he couldn't for the life of him place it. "What about you?"

Brian had to take a moment to remember what they were talking about before he could answer the question. "Uhm, 'Return' or 'Oc'... 'October' something, I think?"

"'October eleventh'?" the man offered and Brian nodded.

"That's it. I like 'Return' for the lyrics though," Brian rambled.

"Good songs. You have a great taste in music." The man's voice sounded amused but Brian had no clue as to why.

"You look a little spacey. Do you wanna get some fresh air?"

Air? He was asking if Brian needed air? The thought sounded appealing so Brian nodded; his hand was immediately grasped by a warm one and he was led through a crowd of people and out the back door. The backyard was significantly less crowded than any other part of the house and Brian was grateful for it. A handful of people were spread across the grass, some sitting and others standing, but the vast majority remained inside.

"So what's a pretty thing like you doing at a party like this?" the man asked, the amusement thick in his voice. Brian didn't understand just what was so funny so he decided to ignore it.

"I live here," Brian lamely replied, his unfocused eyes shifting to the thick, dark tangle of trees that rested just beyond the yard.

"Really? That's cool."

"Yeah, I guess."

The man shifted a little closer before murmuring, "I like your teeth."

My teeth? Brian thought, and even through the haze of the alcohol he could clearly remember the cause for his unnaturally sharp fangs.

"Thanks," Brian mumbled, turning his head to the side and looking at the ground.

"Hey," the man said in a comforting tone, one hand reaching up and guiding Brian's face back to the other's. "Don't be sad. It's not a good look on you."

"Sorry," Brian apologized, his gaze resting somewhere over the man's shoulder.

"You don't need to apologize," the man chuckled. "I know what you've been through. You have every right to be upset."

Brian's wide eyes tried so desperately to focus on the man's face, and for a moment, they did, but the image was quickly distorted again.

"But I know you've overcome your circumstances, and that friendly, fighting spirit inside you is what makes you all the more attractive."

Brian felt his face grow hot at the unexpected compliment and he managed a "Thank you" before hot lips were pressed to his own. A quiet groan vibrated in Brian's throat as he kissed the man with a fiery passion. It was as if they were made for each other, their lips moving together perfectly as Brian's hands ran up the stranger's chest and rested on his shoulders, careful to keep his nails from catching on the fabric. Hot hands slid up under the edge of Brian's t-shirt and pressed into the heated skin underneath, drawing a breathy sigh inbetween kisses from Brian.

When they finally drew apart to breathe in the fresh air surrounding them, the man was almost laughing as he asked in a joking tone, "What would Tim say if he could see us now?"

Tim?

Tim.

Oh shit.

Brian's hands completely withdrew from the man's shoulders and he took a step backwards. Though his mind was hazy and it was difficult to string together a coherent thought, Brian's mind could only think of one thing: "I cheated on Tim."

Brian's eyes watered as the thought invaded his mind and he mumbled, "I'm sorry," before fleeing back into the house. Over the loud music, it was impossible to make out the sound of someone calling his name, but even if he'd heard them, he wouldn't have turned back. Pushing past the strangers crowding the stairway, Brian quickly stumbled his way up to the room he shared with Tim and slammed the door, locking it behind him.

🎉   🎉   🎉

By some miracle from God, Brian had gone the whole night without throwing up. As the morning light streamed in through the thin curtains, Brian's eyes cracked open then slammed back closed. His head pounded and the pain was all he could think about.

"What did I do last night?" he groaned as he grasped his head. His pain that felt like it was splitting his skull was temporarily forgotten as his foggy memory recalled that he had kissed someone. Someone that was not Tim.

Jerking his head much too fast to the other side of the bed, Brian found that his boyfriend was missing. Forcing himself to his feet, Brian squinted his eyes against the harsh light as he made his way to the bedroom door and unlocked it. Making his way down the stairs in his boxers and one of Tim's shirts - his drunken mind had apparently thought it important enough to strip before going to bed - Brian hadn't made it to the bottom when he saw Tim passed out on the couch, a thin blanket draped over his body.

Rushing down the remaining steps, Brian crouched down in front of Tim and shook him.

"What...? Brian? What's wrong?"

Brian's vision blurred as tears flooded his eyes, some spilling over onto his cheeks.

"I kissed someone last night," Brian admitted, his voice wavering. "I'm a terrible boyfriend. I'm so sorry Tim."

It took him a moment for his sleep-addled brain to make sense of what Brian had said, but when it did, Tim let out a little sigh, his lips turning up in a small smile as he relaxed back against the couch.

"Why are you smiling?" Brian asked, his voice conveying panic. "This is serious!"

"Brian," Tim gently said as he took one of his boyfriend's hands in his own. "That was me. I know you were hammered last night and I was messing with you. I thought you knew it was me."

"Wait... You..." Brian's mind spun and the pain from his hangover stabbed at the back of his skull.

"I guess I probably should have made it clear who I was." Tim placed a chaste kiss on Brian's hand. "I know you wouldn't just make out with a stranger. I think some part of your brain knew it was me, even if your conscience didn't fully know."

Brian dropped fully to the floor and sat for a moment just thinking over what his lover had said. When his mind had finally caught up to him, Brian could only offer one question.

"Do you think the band is based off of me?"

The question was one that Tim was obviously not expecting and he could only remain frozen for the longest moment before erupting in laughter.

"Most definitely, my lovely. You are the original."

Brian leaned his head against the hands clasped around his own and closed his eyes, a grin on his face.

"Cool."

[noecat]

tumblr crushes challenge!

in which you post your own favorite blogs to spread positivity and get your amazing blogger-friends some more followers!

tagged by @kizunah (im lov u) n @hazelnatcoffee (ive not stopped sobbing since i saw u tag me aksdjf thank u sm <3) !! ✨✨✨

aksdjf normally i dont even do these but im takin th opportunity to scream abt how much i lov mariam so !! :D enjoy

ive tagged @kizunah, @hazelnatcoffee, @hinamie, @sftae, @geminest, @belovedsheith, @phoapostrophes, @gansaey, @hcseokie, @dotingdamen, @kattenprinsen and non-mutual but very admired @d-a-z-a-i and @novocaine-sea​!! (also the ultimate tumblr crush otasucc whomst im not tagging bc im scared)

i will yell abt these ppl and how much i lov them under cut so as to avoid a 50 page long post :’D 💕

mariam @kizunah: iv no idea how u managed to go from ‘vaguely intimidating incredibly talented writer i look up to’ to ‘incredibly talented writer i look up to tht sends me memes at 3am and has made me fall in lov w two (2) soft pining bois’ so fast but.....u did tht......now our chat is th first thing i check when i wake up in th morning it’s the Start To My Day i hope u r happy..... follow mariam for solid pastel aesthetic and hauntingly beautiful writing tht will give u heartbreak by proxy !! 💕

grayson @hazelnatcoffee: i am tagging u Right Back bc,,,solid tumblr crush material,,,,on one hand i am rly honored u follow this mess, on the other hand im just !! u are such a talented writer !! and such a talented artist ??? ur ability to communicate sof sheith feels in both mediums to such devastating effect slays me 10/10 a Must Follow 💕

hina @hinamie: u kno how kurapika was like. ‘when im in this mode im a master of every single nen category’ ?? thts u. except thts u all th time. killer sense of humor and an incredible (understatement...) artist and so pretty i cld die and flawless taste in memes and th capacity to create OCs tht snatch my heart n soul n wig all in one (very basardous) move?? thts u!! how do u do that!! thank u sm for not judging me for thirsting after clowns n also ,,, a must-follow 4 anyone who likes quality 💕

pauline @sftae: i know you’re on hiatus now and thus unlikely to see this anytime soon,,,,,, but it wld feel Wrong to make any kind of crushes post without mentioning u, resident itachi lover, whomse made me laugh sm and gave me some of the probably Best conversations ive had on this site....im so sorry for stealing ur husband (it was Deserved) and i hope u are doing good out there off this hellsite (note how i didnt even mention the fact tht u are a creator yet bc i was too busy crying abt how much i lov talking to u but !! holy shit u also make Quality Content and im both crying and intimidated how is every mutual i have so talented at making things) 💕

nastya @geminest​: bi russian solidarity & prettiest pinkest pastel blog in the universe?? a whole music Genius whomse is fluent in multiple languages?? im going 2 stop typing now bc i Know i wont b able to stop after just one paragraph so im sorry tht this is going to b so short but,,,,,,,,th most quality Soft Kpop blog n distinguished iu stan, thts u 💕

mei @belovedsheith: the sweetest most positive talented writer in th vld fandom?? u!! your blog is an oasis in the sea of drama and discourse that is tumblr generally, and i really admire the compassion you show everyone and your dedication to only giving love back even when people are undeservedly rude or condescending. it takes a lot of strength to do that and i just *clenches fist* rly adore your personality and humility (esp given how you’re scarily good with words and also ur theme....god tier) 💕

pho @phoapostrophes: aksdjf it’s really .... been a while .,,.. since we talked on a personal lvl, but!! anytime i see you on my dash i get rly excited because you always reblog the best things, the best memes and the best literary things and the funniest comics...,, your sense of humor is on point and i dont know where you manage to curate such Quality Content from but im rly living for it !! 💕

nicki @gansaey​: thank u sm,,,,4 watering my crops,,,,feeding me tht good good trc food,,,,no lie i follow like maybe two (2) trc blogs n life is a whole struggle, and also!! i adore your aesthetic, and how it’s perfectly coherent from your theme to your posts...n also i love your avatar and your creations !! :’’D u have a rly rly strong sense of The Ae and tht glows in everything u put out  💕

mia @hcseokie​: hello cowboy basard whats up it’s me n i ,,,, lov u,,,,,possibly th hottest prettiest person on this hellsite w an incredible personality 2 match,,,,you have a killer sense of humour and are a really sweet person to talk to, and i really really wish you all the best and brightest things in the universe!! a tumblr crushes post isnt complete without u :’’)  💕

eve @dotingdamen​: we only talked like once which is an whole federal crime in my opinion askdjf but !! most treasured most quality yoi/captive prince/astrology mutual,,,, mostly i am very intimidated bc you look ethereal and also your writing like. im not even in those fandoms anymore but am i going to go and reread everything th moment i finish typing up this monster of a post?? u bet!! 💕

taavi @kattenprinsen​: father i am very sorry for disappointing u w frightening regularity,,,,i still rmbr when u first followed me and i screamed bc tht was like the ultimate Senpai Noticed Me moment??? honestly tht senpai-noticed-me feeling never rly faded and tht makes u the perfect candidate for a tumblr crushes post :’’’) you could probably create an entire universe w words alone--and do--n ur Powerfully Aesthetic Aesthetic makes my kokoro go doki doki,, i hope i become more like u someday!! 💕

chris @d-a-z-a-i​: kasjf the Very First blog i found after i one-shotted the entire bsd anime and was left crying over dazai,,, pretty much 90% of the best anime content i see on my dash is either reblogged from u or reblogged by u so thank u fr the food!! :’’D 💕

aja @novocaine-sea​: u once left a comment on my shitty jjbek crackfic and thts probably the most accomplished ive ever felt in my life ever,,, like it might sound cheesy but it’s one of those little moments ill carry w me forever on my writing journey? being complimented by someone as talented as you really stuck w me;; tht said, im going to go binge read your entire hq/free! tag at soonest opportunity :’’’) the things you write are 1000% up my alley nd im so ready!! 💕

lia otasucc: an inspiring person on all levels; someone ive been following since the early (yoi) days and who has not once since then been anything less than the brightest light in the fandom. i dont even go here, but im very glad you exist and motivate everyone around you to be better people as well :’D words r hard and the way you flawlessly wield yours, be it in spicy memes or cutting sarcasm, is both terrifying and moving,,, we are all lucky to have u!! 💕

[variantia]

How do you get more self confidence with your writing? I always leave people hanging when I actually do get an rp going because I’m too ashamed of my writing to continue.

Bellum.  first of all, I’d like to thank you for coming to me for advice ! !  I know struggling with this kind of thing is hard and it’s also not easy to admit it and ask for help.  so, before anything else, you’re brave for asking !

honestly, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for this kind of thing, you know ?  there are a lot of different things you can try and what works for one person isn’t going to work for another.  it might take some trial and error to figure out what works best for you.

I may not be the best person to ask because I’ve been writing since I was about 11 years old, and I’ve always been fairly confident in what I write, whether it’s original stuff, fanfiction, or roleplaying.  but I’ve had my moments too, and I still do have them even though I’ve been writing for 12+ years !  a big thing to remember is that a LOT of people struggle with confidence regarding their creative hobbies, so if it’s any small comfort, you are definitely not alone.

the most important piece of advice I can give you is to BE EXCITED about what you write.  when you’re really, really into what you’re writing, excited about a certain character or plot or RP partner ?  it absolutely shows in your writing !  write things that interest you, write for muses and concepts you personally find intriguing, and write with people who you like and trust and click with.  in my experience, when you’re writing something that you’re really super into, it’s a lot easier to be happy with it because it’s something you’re excited about.  being happy with what you’re writing is KEY.

there are other things I can recommend !  here’s a little list of things that have helped me in the past, so just try some stuff and see what works best for you.

if your confidence issues are coming from feeling like you don’t know your muse well, watch / read / play / etc. the canon that they come from, if they’re a canon muse.  if they’re a fandomless OC, revisit the things that inspired you to create them.  I’ve found that a lot of the time, revisiting the things that have inspired you with your muse help you get back into their head.  doing that often helps you get excited about them again and be happy with what you’re writing.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE !  I can’t stress this enough.  the more you write, the more you’ll feel like you’re improving, honing your creativity, getting better at finding your voice in your writing.

don’t be afraid of writing something that you feel is bad ! !  really, try not to be scared of that.  even great writers have moments where they write nothing but crap.  a lot of my early writing, and even my writing from 5-6 years ago, I look back at and just cringe.  but you know what ?  I look back at that writing, and I think one of two things.  either I think, “huh, I know I executed this kind of poorly, but the actual concept was pretty good” OR I think, “wow, this is kind of bad, haha ... look how far I’ve come since then!”  don’t be afraid of not being the best ; because, honestly, ‘the best’ is something unattainable.  everybody has their flaws.  nobody’s writing is perfect !  even if someone’s writing is perfectly suited to one person’s taste, another person might hate it.  even if you hate your writing, there’s somebody out there who’s reading it and genuinely enjoying it, trust me.

if you feel like you’re having a bad mood where it’s like “ugh everything I write sucks”, please remember, THAT’S OKAY !  bad days happen.  those are your feelings, and they’re valid.  just remember that it won’t last forever, and you’re not gonna feel like that forever.

remind yourself that THERE’S NOTHING WRONG with leaving a thread for a while and picking it back up when you feel like you’re able to.  if your RP partners value you as a partner and as a person, they’ll understand and they’ll be willing to wait.  if they’re not, you don’t need them in your life.  hell, recently I replied to a thread I had left to sit for NEARLY A YEAR, even tho my partner hadn’t been on their blog for a few months, and we picked it up almost immediately after they returned !  if they care about you, they’ll understand and will be okay with waiting.

some days it’s necessary to open up a document and just write every single thing that comes to mind.  it doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be coherent, it doesn’t even have to be anything that’s relevant to stuff that you’re currently trying to write !  just write whatever.  then, if you’re not attached to any of the concepts or anything that came out when you did that, just delete the document.  sometimes you have all this crap in your head that you don’t actually wanna write, but it’s blocking all your good stuff from getting out.  getting all the crap out and getting rid of it clears your head and lets you focus on the stuff you really wanna write.

take notes from people whose writing you really love, but also don’t try to fully imitate them or anything.  your writing needs to be YOU, even if you incorporate things from other styles that you like.  writers are always borrowing little bits and pieces from other writers, and using them in a way that’s their own.  (  I don’t mean plagiarizing ; copying somebody word for word, action for action, is wrong, and NOT what I’m talking about.  what I’m talking about is stuff like “oh I kinda like that certain phrase, maybe I’ll do something similar” or “the way they structure their sentences is cool, I might try that”.  little stuff like that.  )

take a BREAK from writing or even thinking about writing.  do something else, whether it’s watching TV or reading a book or playing games or just dancing around to music for a while.  focus on something else for a little bit and don’t stress yourself out thinking about writing.  do something else you enjoy -- writing might be a big part of your life, but it’s not your whole life, you know ? 

TALK TO YOUR PARTNERS ! !  communication is really important in RP.  whether you’re talking in the tags or IMs or talking to them on another platform, talk to them.  especially if you’re already close to them, having someone to confide in about feelings like this is going to help a lot.  most likely they’ll reassure you, letting you know that your feelings are valid while reminding you that, hey, they’re writing with you because they like your writing !

if these kinds of confidence issues go further than writing into the rest of your life, consider talking to a therapist, whether it’s just for one session or for several, if you can afford it.  professional therapists can often give you effective tools for improving your self-confidence.  if you can’t afford that kind of thing, try looking online for articles or tips that might help you with improving your self-confidence in general.  take what they say and do your best to apply it to what you feel your biggest issues are.

above all, remember that YOU MATTER regardless of how you feel about your writing.  you’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do, and your best is amazing ! !  you’re doing great and you deserve to be happy ! ! ! 

[werewolfdays]

Angst prompts ❄️ 🔹 and ☄️ for Jayde and Nadya please!! And maybe nonverbal prompts [taste] or [sing] to lighten up after all the angst 😅

Ok for the angst questions first:

❄️ What is (one of) their biggest regrets or biggest mistake they’ve made? Is there anything they can do to fix this or is it so far gone there’s no point anymore? Is this something they dwell on a lot?

this is an easy one for Jayde. She feels at least partly responsible for the death of her father. When the hunters caught her and her parents, she provoked one until he started choking her which prompted her dad to get really defensive and attack the hunter. Chaos ensued with the rest of the hunters panicking and thinking he was going to turn so they shot and killed him. Most of the guilt Jayde carries is for that specific event because he didn’t need to die. In fact, the hunter he attacked was pissed because killing one of them made the group of hunters lose out on a bigger payday. 

For Nadya I’d say her biggest regret is not fighting harder to save Jayde when she thought she was killed. Nadya got to Jayde when she was bleeding out in the middle of a street, but was so consumed with panic that she just didn’t know what to do and there wasn’t time. Toby had to drag her away since a group of soldiers were almost on top of them and all Nadya managed to do was kick and scream (she even gave Toby a black eye). Then Jayde came back like 6 months later when she thought she had been dead the whole time so that just made her guilt worse because that meant that Jayde only suffered far more. But it’s okay now cause Jayde helped her forgive herself. 

🔹 Has your OC ever had to leave something behind or abandon something they didn’t want to? Have they ever had this happen to them? How has it effected them over the years?

Nadya basically had to leave her whole life when she went on the run with Jayde. Her school, her job, her apartment, all of it. She put a lot of work into getting where she got, so it really wasn’t easy for her to do even with her life at risk. There was a period of time where she thought that it was all for nothing, but Nadya is a very determined person and she obviously found her own way to work towards her goals. 

right after Jayde escaped captivity for the first time and was on her own, she wound up staying with a mechanic and working at his shop as his apprentice. It started out as just a means of survival, but she ended up really liking it and it had the potential to be a new life for her. Unfortunately, hunters caught her trail and she had to run for her life again when her mentor was killed trying to cover for her. She has a lot of guilt for that too and rarely ever talks about it, but she still has the motorcycle that was given to her to help her escape and she uses the knowledge she gained to maintain it and also other cars 

☄️ Does your OC struggle with their emotions and trauma? Do they find it easier to open up to strangers or those close to them if at all? Do they tend to hide their pain from everyone? 

They both obviously have a lot of trauma that they still struggle with, but they do it a bit differently. On the outside it might seem like Nadya doesn’t struggle with it nearly as much as Jayde does, and she might even think that too, but the truth is she’s buried it incredibly deep and opts to pretend like it doesn’t exist, rarely ever acknowledging it. That’s where a lot of her anxiety stems from because that can leave her with a feeling of dread pretty often, and she deals with that by keeping busy. sometimes to a fault. 

Jayde’s struggles on the other hand are way more obvious. She suffers panic attacks and nightmares and flashbacks, etc. Her PTSD is something that she has to deal with on a daily basis and has tried to suffer in silence for a long time, but she’s slowly finding out that talking about her trauma with people she loves and trusts has been helping the healing process along. 

now for the fluff to make up for the angsty feels:

[ sing ] for your muse to sing to mine

(x)

“Hey,” Jayde’s voice said, pulling me out of the world I was immersed in while reading my book. 

I looked up to see her standing in front of where I was sitting on the bench, the gentle breeze blew some strands of blonde in her face so she ran a hand through her hair to brush it back, giving her the usual attractively unkempt style that she could pull off so easily. The sight of it still made me blush every single time. 

“Hi, Jay.” I greeted with a smile.

She sat next to me, causing the bench to shift slightly from her weight, “What are you reading?”

“Oh, this,” I folded the page to mark my spot and closed the book, handing it over to her, “It’s a story about a heist.” 

Jayde raised an eyebrow at me while she inspected the cover, “You planning on robbing a bank?”

I gave her a mischievous smile, “Only if you join me.”

“That’s a given.” She replied with a crooked grin, then she returned the book to me, “I was actually looking for you.”

“Yeah?” 

She nodded, “If you’re not busy, I’d like to show you something.” 

“What do you want to show me?” I asked, getting up when she did. 

“Guess you’ll have to follow me to find out.” Jayde answered with her head tilted playfully. 

I shook my head while still sporting my smile and followed her to wherever she was leading me. We eventually found ourselves in the library and music room. I looked around at the space, but nothing had changed that I could see. Jayde walked straight towards her piano.

“You know, I’ve seen this room before, right?” I stated sarcastically, “I was one of the people that helped set it up.” 

Jayde glanced over at me and said, “Okay, I guess it’s more accurate to say there’s something I want you to hear.”

“You’ve been practicing.” I noted and settled myself beside her on the piano bench. 

“Mhm,” She confirmed with a hum and gave me a look that was both shy and excited, “I’ve been practicing something special. Only Skye knows I can do this. It was something we did with our dad.”

I gazed at her in awe, “And you want to share it with me?”

“Of course, Nadya.” She replied with a small laugh, “I want to share everything with you.” 

My cheeks grew hot and I bumped my shoulder against hers, “Go on then.”

Jayde straightened her spine and moved her hands to hover over the keys, “This was a song my dad used to sing to my mom. He played it on guitar, but I figured out how to do it on the piano.”

She started on the first notes, carrying a tune that sounded calm, but upbeat. I followed the movements of her fingers over the keys, getting lost in the sounds of the piano filling the room. Then, all of a sudden, Jayde opened her mouth and started to sing. My head snapped towards her in shock and I guess this was what she was talking about. I had no idea she could sing. More than that, she could sing very well. I listened to her harmonious voice pair beautifully with the music of the piano and I was unable to form a coherent thought as I became completely drawn in.

“You were hoping for so much more, but it’s not too late, no, it’s not too late. I can give you so much more, but it’s not too late, no, it’s not too late.” 

So many things ran through my mind, all wanting to escape and as questions or comments, but I simply remained quiet so I could watch her. I could see how much this song meant to her, hear it in her gentle voice as it carried the melody. 

“Like the ocean breeze, the passers by, the giant redwood and sugar pine. It shakes the branch and takes the leaves, I feel the burden of defeat.” 

There was a specific expression I noticed on her face as she played and sang. The small concentrated furrow in her brow that softened at specific verses. The way her lips were only parted just enough for the words to flow out of her mouth. How she started to sway with the beat, bumping into me lightly. 

“And I don’t know what I can offer, but I would offer it to you.” 

I closed my eyes to let the song consume me further, trying to picture Jayde’s father strumming a guitar and singing the same words to her mother. It was a picture that warmed my heart, so I could only imagine what it must make Jayde feel like. I could hear the love in every word she sang. Both for her parents and for me as well. A smile of contentment came across my lips after I released a relaxed sigh when Jayde repeated the chorus one last time.

“You were hoping for so much more, but it’s not too late, no, it’s not too late. I can give you so much more, but it’s not too late, no, it’s not too late.”

I opened my eyes and her fingers continued to slowly dance across the keys, giving the song a warm goodbye. After the final notes echoed through the room, everything grew quiet. 

“You have a beautiful voice.” I almost whispered since I was afraid to break the silence, “Why didn’t you tell me before?” 

“It was hard enough for me to even start playing this again.” Jayde motioned at the piano, “I think singing was harder because I can barely remember what my dad’s voice sounds like anymore. The way he played is easier to remember because I can play the same songs he did, but his voice…” she shook her head and ran her finger over the length of a key, “I can't replicate that.” 

“I understand.” I said, reaching out to hold her hand in both of mine.

Her gaze drifted over to me and she gave me a warm smile, “I like playing the piano for you though. So I figured I should try to sing for you too.” 

I met her eyes, feeling so utterly grateful that she wanted to share these things with me, “I can’t tell you what that means to me, Jay.” 

“I can’t tell you what it means to have someone help me bring this back. I know my dad wouldn’t have wanted me to give this up like I did, but you helped me find it again and honor a part of who he was.” Jayde continued to stare at me meaningfully for a couple seconds before she cupped the back of my neck and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I fell into pace with her quickly after being taken off guard, getting lost in her kiss as easily as I got lost in her song. Then she pulled back enough to whisper, “It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.” 

There weren’t words for how profoundly happy that made me. So I just pulled her in for another kiss to convey it wordlessly. Jayde returned it with an understanding, curling her fingers at the back of my neck, tangling them in my hair and pulling me closer. I involuntarily reached up to grab her shoulder for something to hang on to when she deepened the kiss. It was enough indulgence to be intoxicating as we were getting on the verge of being carried away. 

When we broke away from each other, my thumb came up to trace the lips that had just graced mine. “Does this mean you’ll be singing often now?”

Jayde looked momentarily too lost in me to give me an immediate answer. She shook her head slightly to shake herself out of it before answering, “Whenever you want me to.”

“I like the sound of that.”

[fanfics-await-you]

Sometimes It Comes Down to a Choice (Part 2)

Pairing: Christopher Pike x Female OC

Takes place some point in the future after the events of the Red Angel

Summary: Alina has always carried a secret flame for her Captain and she's always known that it could never lead anywhere. However, the combination of a party and some drunken words might just make that a little more complicated. The only problem, everything just seems to be going wrong. Who knows, maybe a proper goodbye is just what they need.

Tags: angst, injury, a pair of dumbasses unnecessarily complicating things

Notes: lol, because i’m such a cliche, this situation is loosely based on an interaction w an ex. also, sorry if they seem like coherent drunks but i thought this was better then just them just smashed and the ensuing “WELL YOU’RE PRETTY GOOD LOOKING, YOU KNO- *barf*” Let’s just take the angle of liquid bravery. also, i say pike smiles a lot because he DOES. he’s very SMILEY.

Word Count: 1,277

masterlist

Part 1

Part 3

Part 4

———

Why do I always put myself in these situations?!

I had told myself at the beginning of the night that 1) don’t get drunk because alcohol makes you talkative and 2) stay away from the Captain because alcohol makes you talkative. I have already failed on all points. We just keep drifting together no matter what I do, and the combination of over-keen pourers and nerves in general means that I am far more intoxicated than I planned.

“Look, I’m telling you Michael, it was life or death.”

“I would believe you, sir, but I have found that you are prone to exaggeration.”

“That stings, Burnham, it really does.”

On the other hand, Chris has never looked so good. A broad, warm smile rests comfortably on his face and only the touch of red across his cheeks hints that he’s been drinking. His eyes shine as he and Michael continue their back and forth. I’m not really listening to their conversation despite its volume. I am just happy to watch my people laugh and my Captain relax.

“Alina, back me up here!”

I’m forcefully jolted back into focus by all eyes in the conversation turning to me. I grin somewhat bashfully and mumble out a ‘yeah, sure’, entirely unaware of what I’m agreeing to. Everyone laughs at my confusion except for Chris, who gives me a quiet smile that is meant for only me.

“Now Captain, that is unfair. Of course Osborne would agree with you,” Michael’s tone is gently mocking.

I raise an eyebrow at her, trying to fight the blush rising up my face. She raises her hands in mock surrender but the smile doesn’t disappear. I down the rest of my drink, though it’s not lost on me that it does nothing to remove Michael’s gaze.

“Uh…Of course, I should be able to rely on my officers to support me!” Chris’ tone is joking but the red on his cheeks deepens markedly.

Huh.

The conversation eventually falls back into rhythms but I feel a touch at my shoulder after a few minutes.

“Osborne, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure Burnham.”

We step away from the group and I turn to face her. I know she’s been drinking but her usual friendly but stoic facade remains in place. I cross my arms, waiting for Michael to speak.

“What is going on between you two?”

Ah, the question I really don’t want to deal with right now.

“Nothing!”

…

“Seriously, Michael, there’s nothing!”

“Okay, we both know that that is not true. You two need to get over whatever this-“ she pauses to gesture between Chris and myself-“ is because the rest of us are just waiting for this to finally be done with. Seriously, you have been running in circles around each other for months!”

The realisation that my little ‘crush’ has been public knowledge for so long completely throws me. I feel so thoroughly exposed that I can’t think for a second. I know that I’m blushing red and hot, and Burnham places a hand on my shoulder.

“I never said it was something to be ashamed of, Alina. Love is nothing to fea-“

“Thanks, Michael, I think I just need a minute.”

I’m probably being rude but honestly, I need to get my thoughts in order. I walk away from the bustle and the music towards the loading bay gateway. There is something I find strangely grounding about knowing that beyond the mere metres of holofield before me, an entire universe of empty space exists beyond my reach or control. I walk behind a storage container and sit slowly, leaning back against the cool metal. The static of my thoughts echoes around my head as I consider the silent stars before me.

“Are you alright?”

Of course he would be the one to find me.

I look up at Chris and allow myself the quick luxury of just admiring him. His white shirt is tight across his shoulders and I can see the athletic line of his legs through his charcoal grey slacks. The light of the holofield fights with the general darkness of the bay to paint his face in gentle silver, highlighting the strong strokes of his features. Chris is dressed simple and plain but by the Heavens, he looks as close to perfect as I am capable of understanding. However, his eyes are contorted with concern.

“Yes, don’t worry. It’s just…Michael brought up…some stuff that-it’s complicated, let’s just say that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly, no.”

Chris sits down beside me, close enough that I can feel the warmth of his skin. Its heat is an unwelcome distraction to my already restless mind.

“What do you want to talk about, then?”

You stumble, “Um-I don’t know…anything?”

Chris chuckles quietly, “Burnham must’ve really thrown you if you, Alina Osborne, have nothing to say.”

I send him a mock glare that only widens his smile. I look away to the stars and try to think of something.

Oh, of course.

“What about the stars?”

It’s dumb and cliché but they’re the only things coming to mind. I don’t dare look at him, out of fear of judgement or something equally as painful.

“What about them?” his tone is curious and, as I should have expected, kind.

I throw my hand out towards space while I try and find the right words, “Everything! I mean, we’re both Starfleet, so you must’ve felt something pulling you towards the stars too, right? Didn’t you look up and wonder what was out there? Beyond the telescopes and the info-vids? Because I did…Still do. We live in a universe of possibility and mystery, and it makes me sad sometimes that I’ll never get to see it all and-I am rambling, I’m so sorry…We-we should get back.”

A blend of passion and alcohol had just made the words tumble out of me with reckless abandon, and now I’m embarrassed all over again for different reasons. I move to rise but a steady hand on my arm causes me to pause.

“Alina, there’s nowhere I would rather be right now…Stay. Please.”

I resume my seat but I am completely lost for words once again. Nowhere…a little spark of hope flickers into life at the base of my stomach, and for the first time I don’t immediately douse it. Of course, he could mean that he was sick of the crowd or simply interested in talk of stars but…

—

So we talk. We talk endlessly of stars, Starfleet, old friends, history, home, and everything in between until the growing quiet tells us that the party is drawing to a close. Chris is so deeply thoughtful and intelligent that I could speak to him for days or years, and never run out of things to say. I am so desperate to hang on to this conversation, this carved-out moment that is so distinctly our’s. He seems no more keen to leave than I am, but I can feel our time running short.

“What was that festival from your homeworld called again? Haal’i? You never did explain it.”

“Hal’ai. It’s kinda complicated to explain. Once day a year, no one uses electric lights for the whole day across the whole planet. It-“

“You’re telling me that everyone does it without fail?”

I wave my hand offhandedly, “Ok, fine. Nearly everyone. Just all the people in any form of settlement, but maybe there’s some hermits who use the occasional torch. Happy?” I raise an eyebrow while Chris grins in return.

“Yes, thank you. You know I’m a stickler for the details.”

“May I continue?

“If you would, please.”

I give him a joking side-look but turn my gaze back to the stars, “As I was saying, we turn off all the lights. The whole idea of Hal’ai is to sit in true darkness and look to the stars. It’s supposed to remind us of the true beauty of nature and our responsibility to the life around us. I always loved that concept, but also the profound feeling of Hal’ai that we’re part of something so much bigger that ourselves. It’s a feeling I’ve only ever found in one other place.”

“Where?” Chris’ word is whispered, like he’s afraid to break the reverie.

I smile wide, at no one in particular at all, “Starfleet. On board the U.S.S. Discovery. Standing by your side.”

I turn back to Chris, not caring if I seem absurd because I’m swept up in my love for my home, my vessel and, possibly most of all, him. Not that it matters, because the grin stretched across his face tells me that he knows exactly what I mean. Before I can react, before I can even close my eyes, Chris’ mouth is on mine. His lips are velvety and warm, and I can feel his hands hot against my cheeks. He tastes ever-so-slightly of liquor but I am intoxicated by the feeling of his skin flush against mine. Eventually, my brain catches up and I push back against him, trying to drown in the feeling of his mouth. I lean into Chris, my own hands beginning to travel up his chest, when he abruptly pauses and pulls away. I am left like an astronaut without air, simply grasping for oxygen and a tether.

“I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have done that.”

What?

What?!

“I don’t understand, Chris. What did I-“

“You didn’t do anything, Alina, I just-I’m your captain, and you’re my officer!”

He’s become somewhat frantic, pushing his hair back repeatedly while looking anywhere but at me. The realisation is beginning to sink in, piece by piece. Surprisingly, something that resembles anger is what rises to the surface.

“I’m going to need a little more than that, Chris.”

He looks back at me and all I can see is the distress in his eyes, “It’s not that I don’t want this, it’s- it can’t happen! Not with our jobs, with our positions!”

I can’t find the words. After everything, Chris feels the same as me (he feels the same), but he’s letting our jobs-

“What are you talking about?!” The anger is showing now, “Our jobs?! Like a captain and an officer have never-it’s not-I don’t…Look, if you want pin this on drunken stupidity, fine, but don’t lie to me!”

Chris’ face goes slack and he leans in until our foreheads are touching and I can his breath on my lips. As much as anger still charges through my veins, I am paralysed by the touch of him. He takes a breath and then another, like he’s trying to find the strength to speak.

“Alina…” Chris says my name like I might disappear. “Never think that I don’t care about you, that I wouldn’t give you the world if I could. It’s just-I have a responsibility to my crew and I can’t let you change that. I can’t put your life above the rest of my crew. If it comes down to saving you or my crew, I can’t-“

The anger drains out of me like it was never there to begin with. A bone-deep weariness is starting to take its place.

“That’s what this is about? Some theoretical future where you have to choose me or them? Chris, please, don’t.”

“I should never have kissed you, as much as I wanted to. I thought I could control myself and then you started talking about stars and us, and…I am so sorry it came to this.” He tucks a strand behind my ear, and the little gesture almost breaks me.

I swallow back whatever is threatening to rise, “Since it seems like I don’t get a say in this-don’t, let me finish-just do one last thing for me.”

“Anything.”

“Kiss me one last time and then walk away. Prove to me that you can leave and not come back because I need you to be sure, Chris. If you go…I won’t sit around, waiting for you to come back. I can’t hold on to you, hoping that one day you’ll choose me.”

Chris pulls back and pushes his palms onto his eyes while shaking his head like he can’t believe this is happening. Every line of tension in his body screams anguish and I don’t get it because Chris is choosing this. I am desperate for him and he is pushing me away.

He places his hand on my cheek and I can’t help but lean into him. “You don’t understand…That’s the problem, Alina. I want to choose you, I will always want to choose you, but I can’t. I just can’t.”

Chris leans in slowly and I close my eyes as our lips touch. I place both hands on his chest while he threads his arms around my waist, gently pulling me flush against him. The kiss is as soft as an echo and as sweet as it is bitter. Inch by inch, my hands climb to intertwine in Chris’ hair and I can feel him shiver slightly against me. I want to remember every second of this, every short moment of Chris being completely mine. But then, too soon, far too soon, he’s pulling back slightly. His hands continue to draw flickering circles along my waist while Chris just studies my face and I wait for him to say that he’s changed his mind, that he can’t leave.

“Maybe in another life.”

Chris leans in to place a gentle, lingering kiss on my forehead, then turns around and walks away.

Just like that.

Just like that, I had held him and lost him, all in the space of a few hours. A feeling of intense loss swiftly crashes over me and I have to cover my mouth to silence the sobs. I lean back and just let the tears fall for a while, let my heart feel this loss. Then, when I finally find the strength, I slowly rise and stand, staring out the stars. Then, as alone as I had started this evening, I steadily walk back to my room.

———

i’m always a slut for unnecessary tension. also, DON’T WORRY, THERE’S ANOTHER PART