#most of my laundry is done just one last load in that neds to be put in the dryer once it's ready

[cinematicnomad]

i've been doing a deep cleaning of my apt today while watching mad men s4 so this has been a pretty successful day tbh.

[lyssismagical]

evermore

Just a Solid Vent Fic 

I wanna do 30 days of Taylor Swift-inspired fics (folklore and evermore) lmao but idk yet we’ll see lemme know tho 

 *

As a compromise for Tony not being able to pay Peter’s tuition to MIT thanks to his full ride, Tony bought an apartment right beside campus for Peter to live in, to ensure no awkward adventures trying to be Spider-Man with a roommate.

Peter’s still adamant about getting a job and paying for his food, phone bill, and any other things like clothing or entertainment.

And balancing classes, patrolling, and a job, isn’t easy, of course. But it’s always been better for him to work hard than to give himself time to think. It’s not like his mental health is on hold, but it’s easier to put it aside when he’s got so much to do all the time.

It doesn’t help that he’s also on the debate team thanks to MJ, and in the robotics club thanks to Ned.

When November rolls around and it brings the final projects, Peter pushes himself to the limit to keep up with everything.

He starts dropping his sleep to only a nap whenever he can squeeze it in, working all afternoon, classes all morning, and Spider-Man all night, and he starts making up excuses for anything that isn’t a number one priority.

He stops seeing his friends, stops calling May back, stops replying to Tony’s worried texts, stops helping out with his professors or the librarian or his classmates. He stops cleaning his apartment, letting dishes pile up on the counters and laundry go unwashed.

It’s bad, and he knows that, rationally and logically, he knows.

But that doesn’t stop him from doing it anyway.

Three weeks, he tells himself.

And he keeps pushing.

MJ shows up at his apartment out of the blue when he’s studying away, and he barely manages to clear the fog in his head to stumble for the door.

“I can’t talk right now,” he says before she can even say hello. “I’ve gotta study for my physics exam.”

“No, you’ve gotta chill the fuck out.”

He shakes his head, leaving the door open as he turns his back and heads into his kitchen for a quick snack so he can get back to his work. “No, I have to study.”

“Oh my god, you live in a garbage dump,” she says, eyes going wide as she takes in the state of his apartment. “When was the last time you washed a dish? Or, gross, your hair?”

He doesn’t bother responding, rolling his eyes and downing a protein bar. “Two weeks, now, and then I’m done for a month.”

“At this rate, I don’t know if you’ll make it through the next two weeks.”

Peter can’t help but roll his eyes again, part of him hating how much he’s lashing out despite wanting help, needing help, but unable to find the strength to stop it from happening as he brushes past her again.

“I know you’re stressed, I know you’re anxious about exams and papers and labs, but, seriously, Peter?” she says, following him to where he’s working in the living room, papers and binders and textbooks strewn across every surface. “You’re a genius, okay? You’ve been getting excellent grades all year. The only reason you might not do well on these projects is because you’re working yourself to death.”

He shakes his head, feeling very suddenly like he might cry. “It’s not that easy. Just… I don’t want to deal with this right now, okay?”

MJ doesn’t take that as a good answer, though, sitting beside him on the old couch. “I know you, okay? I know you better than most people do. I’ve seen you in some of the worst states you’ve been in. I know this. You can’t pretend that this is okay or normal or that this is you doing fine. I don’t believe it for a second.”

He opens his mouth to fight back, to argue, to try to convince her otherwise, or maybe just to kick her out. But he hesitates.

After the Snap’s reversal, she was the one who devoted all her time to taking care of him. He was such a mess of PTSD and depression and emptiness, but she was there. She kept the lights on for him, she brought him food and water, held him after nightmares, talked him down from panic attacks every other day. She was there, despite everything, she was always there.

Tony was too far and he never wanted to bother May, so he regularly would drop by her fire escape where she would patch him up after patrols, and occasionally, let him sleep next to her and make sure to get him to school on time.

She’s always been there.

She’s held him together, kept him sane, helped him through it all.

It wouldn’t be fair to get pissed.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles, shoving a hand through his mess of greasy, tangled curls. “I’m such a mess, I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be a bitch, but I just… I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I’m drowning.”

And she nods because she’s always understood, always known what he means. She puts her hand over his. “You deserve a nap. C’mon.”

He goes to shake his head, looking to where his lab is only half-done, he’s only a few chapters into the textbook to get prepared for his exam, rough notes scribbled out for a paper.

“No, c’mon. You’re taking a nice nap. You deserve it,” she repeats, tugging more insistently at his wrist.

But he shakes his head this time, pulling his hand away. “If I stop, I won’t be able to start again.”

“Peter-”

“I’m serious, if I take a nap or a break or take a second to breathe, I will crumble and I won’t be able to put myself back together in time for these due dates. I won’t get back up. I just-” He stops, taking a deep breath and rubbing at his wet eyes. “I need to keep pushing for the next two weeks and then I can fall apart.”

MJ shakes her head, fingers wrapping around his thin wrist. “That’s not healthy. And it certainly wouldn’t be right for me to let you do that.”

“I’ll fail my classes if I don’t do well on these assignments and exams. I need to keep going. I know it’s bad, but if I get into bed, I will fall into a slump and I won’t get anything done.”

Surprising both him and what seems like herself, she nods, holding onto him a little tighter like he’ll disappear before her very eyes. “Fine. But I’m going to stay here with you and make sure you don’t die over the next two weeks, alright? And you have to listen when I tell you to eat or watch stupid reality TV shows with me.”

He hums out an agreement, letting himself slump into her side, eyes focusing in on his mess of homework laid out before him.

“Come on. Step one, is getting you showered and in clean clothes because you smell like you spent the night in a dumpster.”

*

MJ does exactly as she promised she would. She calls it a ‘mental health sleepover’ and they set up camp in the living room.

She calls in sick for him at work for most of the week, telling them that he caught the flu and wouldn’t be back until after his exams, and even then, he’d already booked most of Winter Break off to go home to New York.

There wasn’t much she could do, in all honesty, it wasn’t like she could force him to sleep or take a break without a fight, but she could make him healthy meals and stop him from going out patrolling, which was enough to take a big load off his shoulders.

And she occasionally can convince him to watch those dumb reality TV shows, which occasionally makes him fall asleep on the couch for at least an hour or two.

It helps, of course, but it doesn’t solve any of the problems.

As soon as he’s finished exams, he’s going to drop, he’s going to fall, he’s going to drown, let the waves take him.

And nobody will be able to help him then.

“I booked your flight home,” MJ says over dinner and while he’s finishing up his lab report. “My flight’s a few hours after yours, so I’ll be with you until you board and then the Starks will pick you up.”

“Thanks. I really owe you one,” he says, only half-listening as he starts on his paper.

She grabs him by his shoulder and makes him turn to her laptop screen. “Say yes to the dress time. Your paper can wait a bit.”

“There’s only so much I can procrastinate,” he says but he’s already closing his laptop and tucking himself into her side, and shoulders finally relaxing.

She starts the episode, on a low volume, and presses a quick kiss to his temple.

By the time they’re onto the second episode, Peter’s slurring out his insults to the dresses some of the women pick, making fun of the different styles, and blinking getting longer and longer.

“That neckline?” Peter goes, giggling into MJ’s shoulder. “Especially with those shoes?”

“You’re a bitch.”

“I know, but seriously?” he laughs again, a little window into the person he once was. “I mean the first option wasn’t bad, but the choice of a grey dress in the first place…”

MJ’s voice goes all soft and gentle when she next speaks up, “Come on, go to sleep, you can afford to take a little break.”

And he nods sleepily against her shoulder, tucking himself just a little closer, making himself small against her side. It’s simple, for now.

*

As soon as he’s done his last exam, he can feel the adrenaline wearing off, disappearing from within him, all energy draining from his very veins.

He goes straight home afterwards, ignoring everybody who tries to stop him for a chat. And as soon as he makes it to his apartment, he goes straight to bed, tugging the sheets right over his head.

He shouldn’t do this, he knows. He should call MJ, ask that she drop everything for him again because he can feel himself slipping, but he won’t. He can’t. He doesn’t even know when the last time he saw his phone was, let alone have the effort to leave his blankets and try to find it. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t have it in him to care.

He feels empty and exhausted and strung out. Carved hollow. Putting everything he has into the past few months, he feels like he has nothing left to give.

There’s a knock on his front door, but he doesn’t move.

A few minutes later, his phone rings, somewhere in another part of the apartment. It rings again and again, a symphony for him to pass out to.

*

Time passes strangely when he’s this deep in a depressive episode. He doesn’t know how long he’s been huddled under his blankets, hiding from the world. It could’ve been anywhere between a couple hours and a few days, he doesn’t know.

His phone continues ringing, far away and echoing through his dreams, tears sliding down his cheeks at random intervals, hands trembling where they’re tucked under his chest.

He feels like he’s drifting away, collapsing into himself, fading away into nothingness.

He feels empty, hollow, gone.

He gave everything he had into school and work over the course of four months, and he has nothing left to give anymore. He’s nothing more than an empty well.

And he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to pull himself together, pack, get a flight home, and pretend to be one hundred percent for Morgan.

He’d rather just die here, in this cave he’s built, ghost-like and fading away already, than have to face another soul.

*

When he hears his front door unlocking, he knows he should be worried. Nobody has a spare copy of his key except for Ned, who already went home to New York a few weeks back.

He knows it should be at least a little concerning that somebody is breaking into his apartment, but he can’t find it in him to care. He doesn’t have the energy to move or hide or try to protect himself.

He just curls up a little tighter and hopes that this won’t be his last day.

“Peter?”

He lifts his head, just enough to see over his cave of his blankets.

And standing in his bedroom doorway is Tony.

“Hi,” he breathes, curling up a little tighter, knowing he’s safe.

Tony slips into his room and sits at the end of his bed, one hand on Peter’s ankle. “MJ called when you wouldn’t answer your phone or let her in. She knew something was up.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I saw something like this coming after you finished your senior year and spent two weeks sick and depressed. I thought you’d be home in time before you started feeling so run down, but I guess I was wrong.”

Peter doesn’t know how he’s supposed to respond to that, so instead he lets his head fall into the pillows again.

“I’m not going to make you do anything yet, I think you could use a bit more time here. Though, Morgan thought two days sleeping was plenty, I think another one might do you well. But tomorrow, we’re going to get you fed and showered and your apartment clean, and then this weekend, we’ll get a flight home. Sound good?”

He nods, though he’s pretty sure he would agree to pretty much anything so long as the decisions are taken out of his hands.

“Come here,” Tony murmurs, sliding into the space beside Peter, arms open. Peter finally feels at home when he crawls into the awaiting hug. “MJ mentioned Say Yes to the Dress bingeing, you feel up for making fun of more dress choices?”

Peter laughs half-heartedly against Tony’s chest, tucking himself into him like a child would, and nods, breathing in the soothing scent of motor oil and expensive cologne.

He knows he’ll fall apart again, he knows that it’s not going to be a permanent solution, but the time being, he has Tony’s arms around him, a reality TV show quietly keeping them company, and the relief of having time to feel miserable before he has to pick himself up, it’s enough for now. It’ll be enough.

He’ll be okay with people like Tony and MJ at his side.

He’ll be okay.

Taglist: @littlemissagrafina  @fancyxparker  @romeoandjulietyouwish @c-artara @shadedrose01 @likeaphoenix13 @misskirkstark @you-get-killed-walk-it-off @kitkatwinchester  @emo-girl10 @justme--emily  @hold-our-destiny @imalivebecauseirondad @spiderman-peterman @dykeragee @maryserrao @heeeyitskay @parknerandirondad @lilacsandlilies4 @loveliestdisappointment @joyful-soul-collector @genderfluid-and-confuzled @fallenstar07 @gyurolls @sdottkrames {Let me know if you wanna be added or removed}

[acourtofhopeanddreams]

City of Bones (Shadowhunters)

Written for Day 5 of @incorrectjonsansa based on the prompt "imagine me and you" with Jon and Sansa as Clary and Jace from Shadowhunters/The Mortal Instruments

Jon does the one thing his mother Lyanna told him not to do: He goes back home to find her. But all he finds is a huge chaos and loads of questions. Questions Sansa Stark is more than willing to answer, but only after she makes sure there are no monsters from hell anymore to attack them.

Shadowhunters AU // Reversed Gender Roles

“Mom?” Jon rushed into the apartment and he held his breath when he saw the ravage. For the first time in his entire life the description or a room looking like a bomb had exploded made sense to him.

The chairs and couch were shredded to pieces. The large windows were splintered and glass covered the wooden floor. The curtains were ripped and the framed pictures that should have been on the wall laid broken in the midst of the chaos.

“Mom?” His voice trembled and he anxiously looked around.

The glass cracked beneath his shoes while he made his way to the two bedrooms. Lyanna’s bedroom was almost as chaotic as the living room. The plaids on her bed were torn and ripped. All drawers were open and whatever used to be in there covered the carpet on the floor. All her clothes laid spread out across the room and the closet was completely empty.

“Mom?” Jon tried again, but when he opened the door to his own bedroom he froze.

His computer, his books, the dirty clothes he had forgotten to throw into the laundry basked. It was all gone. What remained was ash and a burning smell that made him sick.

“Mom!” He screamed now and ran to the kitchen. This time the chaos didn’t surprise him anymore. He took his cellphone from the pocket of his jacket and once more he listened to the voicemail his mom had left him.

“Jon?” Normally Lyanna was the calm one. She never worried before she had to and whenever Jon was nervous she always knew the right things to say to soothe him. But her voice sounded higher than usual and she talked much quicker. “They found us. Go find Ned Stark and whatever you do…” There was a small pause. “Don't come home.”

“Who’s Ned Stark?” He shook his head, just like he had done when he had heard the message the first time and had done exactly the one thing his mother hand’t wanted him to do. “And what the hell happened here?” Jon murmured.

“Actually…”

Jon reached for the nearest knife and turned around.

“Hell is probably the best possible description of what happened here.” The strange girl let her glance wander over the chaos. “Don’t worry. I had nothing to do with this.” She was probably the prettiest girl Jon had ever seen in his life and on her high heels she was a few inches taller than he was. From head to toe she was dressed in tight black clothes accentuating each and every perfectly shaped curve of her body.

Jon swallowed. “Then what are you doing here in my house?” His voice didn’t sound as steady as he would want to and his heart was hammering in his chest.

“Rescuing you, of course.” She shrugged. Her red hair gleamed in the moonlight and she curled her red lips up into a smile. “I’m Sansa Stark, by the way.” She cocked her head slightly. “And we really have to get out of here before whoever, or whatever, has done this comes back.”

Jon furrowed his eyebrows. “Stark? Did you just say your last name was Stark?”

“I did.” Sansa’s smile brightened. “And I can assure you that if you stay here much longer you will most likely not survive the night.”

Jon took a deep breath. “I have to find my mom first.”

“Trust me.” Sansa rolled her eyes. “You're not gonna find her here. She has either fled, and I hope for your sake she did, or she’s dead.” The smile on her face faded.

He hadn’t really thought about that last option yet. He hadn’t wanted to, but considering the state of the house he had to admit that it wasn’t even that unlikely. “We don’t know that.”

“No, we don’t.” Sansa crossed her arms over her chest. “But I think we know for sure she’s not here anymore.” She took a deep breath. “So, are you gonna come with me or not, handsome?”

“Jon…” He interrupted her. “I’m Jon, not handsome.” He swallowed when he realised what he had just said. “I mean, I guess you can call me handsome too, but my name’s Jon.”

The smile returned to Sansa’s face. “Fine, handsome Jon, what is it gonna be? Are you gonna stay here to die or will you come with me so I can help you figure out what has happened here exactly?”

Jon stared at the chaos once more.

She was right.

He had no reason to stay. And if her last name was really Stark, then maybe she’d bring him to the Ned his mother had been talking about. “Let me get…” He was gonna say that he wanted to get some clothes and his toothbrush, but then he remembered the state of his bedroom and his stuff. “Let’s just get out of…” He couldn’t finish his sentence.

A loud growl echoed through the apartment and a giant salamander with countless of sharp teeth walked into the kitchen. Saliva dripped on the floor and the monster had its eyes firmly on Jon.

“Sansa…” Jon swallowed. “Am I hallucinating or…”

Sansa didn’t wait for him to finish his question. She was already facing the monster and clicked her bracelet open. Within an instant she was holding a gigantic glowing sword. “Stay behind me.” She bent down and then she charged for the monster. She was quick. Much quicker than a girl on high heels should be, but it seemed that the monster had excellent reflexes.

It dodged each and every move, as if it was playing with its pray.

Jon couldn’t just stand there and watch. He tightened his grip on the kitchen knife and he stepped forward to throw himself into the fight.

But when Sansa noticed what he was doing she looked over her shoulder and during that short moment of distraction the monster threw her aside against the wall.

“Sansa…” Jon screamed, but then he saw that the monster was now dangerously close to him.

“You’re gonna need something better than a knife, wonderboy!” Sansa pushed herself up and looked at Jon before she threw her glowing sword his way. “For both our sakes, don’t blow this.”

Quickly Jon dropped the knife and caught the sword, but when the monster jumped towards him he closed his eyes anyway and waited for its sharp teeth to pierce his skin.

But the sharp teeth never came. Instead there was nothing but absolute silence.

When he opened his eyes again he saw a pile of ash where the monster had been and when he looked at Sansa he saw something that looked like pride in her eyes.

“Welcome to the team, hero.” She pushed herself up and reached out her hand. “But I do want my sword back.”

Jon stared at the sword he was holding. It felt strangely comfortable to hold it, even though he had never even seen a real sword before.

“Don’t worry.” She wiggled her fingers and Jon eventually gave the sword back to her. “We’ll find you one to keep. Considering the state of your house, you’re gonna need it.” She pressed the hilt of the sword to her bare skin and the next moment she was wearing her bracelet again.

Jon nodded and then he realised he was trembling. “What's going on, Sansa?” He tried to focus on her, but the world around him started turning and her bright blue eyes became one big blur.

“I’ll explain everything to you later.” Sansa wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him. “Now don’t faint yet, okay? Let’s get you out of here first.”

[nerdywrites]

Jean Jacket

Pairing: Peter Parker x actress!reader, Shawn Mendes x reader (platonic) 

Summary: Peter has a huge crush on Hollywood’s favorite young actress, but he never expected to meet her. 

Warnings: Almost getting mugged, not edited 

A/N: I’m going to be at camp for the next week without my phone or laptop, so I’m posting this last thing before I go! This got way longer than I expected, oops. Part 2?

A/N 2: Is it obvious that I’m obsessed with Shawn’s carpool karaoke?

Masterlist

Peter harbored a love for many songs and movies, but he, unlike several others, didn’t obsess over who sang or acted in them. There was one exception. (Y/n) (L/n).

He had watched almost every single interview she had done, his recommendations page on YouTube was filled with them. All her movies were in DVDs on his shelf, not that he needed to watch them again, he knew every line.

Ned laughed every time the teen’s celebrity crush would be mentioned, he found it hilarious how Peter’s head would shoot up. Or how when they would pass a magazine stand and see her on several covers, he would pause and stare. When they would have a debate on which movie they should watch, hers were always mentioned first. And if her new movie came out, they were the first ones in line to get tickets. Chances are, they would be back to watch it again many times before it came out on DVD.

Ned always told Peter that he was obsessed, but Peter would just decline that fact, normally stuttering in the process. 

Ned had come over to Peter’s apartment to finish the Death Star after it had been dropped for the third time (Peter claimed it wasn’t him. It was.)

He walked up the stairs just in time to see May running down them. She stopped just in time to send him a smile “Hey, Ned. Sorry, I’m late to work. Peter’s just upstairs, and there’s a lasagna in the oven.”

“Thanks, May”

When he walked in, he saw Peter sitting at the couch with the TV on as he was scrolling through channels.

“Watcha doing?”

“(Y/n) (L/n) is doing Carpool Karaoke with James Corden and it’s on right now”

Ned laughed again, walking over and setting the Death Star and it’s pieces on the rug in front of the couch before sitting down himself.

Peter got to the right channel just in time to see (Y/n) get in the car and James greet her “Thank you so much for helping me get to work, I got lost for some reason”

She was wearing her signature jean jacket “Not a problem, James” 

Peter felt butterflies flood through him.

“So I know you’re not a singer, but I heard you have a really good voice”

(Y/n) laughed again “Who told you that?”

James turned the wheel as the car went to another street “I’ll give you a hint, if we can turn on the radio and listen to a few songs”

She nodded “Oh course”

James reached toward the car’s radio and the first few notes of Shawn Mendes’ song Mercy began playing.

“Of course Shawn told you. But he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” (Y/n) chuckled and rolled her eyes jokingly at the one she called her best friend, despite the age difference and opposite professions. 

“You’ve got a hold on me, don’t even know your power”

Peter stared wide-eyed at the screen, mimicking James’ reaction, as the girl sang along. 

“Damn” Ned took the words right out of his mouth “She can sing”

The song continued, and Peter remained speechless as she perfectly hit every note.

“Oh I’m begging you, I’m begging you, yeah”

The radio went off, and James looked over at her “I’d say Shawn does know what he’s talking about”

(Y/n) laughed, suddenly a bit shy at the complement “Thank you”

“The last time Shawn was here, he said that you would not buy a pair of Justin Bieber’s underpants”

“I don’t think I’d buy anyone’s underpants. Maybe Halsey’s.”

He looked over “How much would you pay for her underpants?”

“I’d probably go broke”

He coughed with laughter before the next scene came on, the first notes of Panic! At The Disco’s Dying In LA played.

(Y/n) jumped in excitement “I seriously cannot stop listening to this album”

“The moment you arrived, they built you up

The sun was in your eyes

You couldn’t believe it”

Peter continued to be shocked at how amazingly she sang the song, and how beautiful she looked while doing it.

“Oh the power, the power, the power, of LA”

“So you have an apartment in Manhattan now?”

“Yeah, a lot of future filming, which I can’t say anything about yet, is happening there, and I love the city, so I just decided to look around at apartments for a bit. Then I found one I liked, and the next thing I know, I’m living in New York”

Peter gasped and turned to Ned “Dude she lives-”

“I will not allow you to go stalk her now”

Peter rolled his eyes “I wouldn’t do that” he noticed Ned’s ‘really’ expression “I wouldn’t!”

The car turned again “So you do your own cleaning and laundry and stuff like that then?”

“Yeah, sometimes I have to go up to Toronto to help Shawn with his”

James threw his head back in laughter “Does he pay you to do that?”

“If he did, I might be able to afford Halsey’s underpants” 

The interview continued on, and Peter loved every minute if it. He loved her sense of humor, her voice, her incredible acting abilities, how she never failed to compliment others. He loved everything about her.

As soon as it was finished, Ned didn’t hesitate to remind him of what they were supposed to be doing “Alright, stop drooling. Let’s get this Death Star finished.”

--

Every movie has an intense scene, without fail. These always take the longest to film, and they’re the ones actors are the most nervous to pull off. (Y/n)’s nerves jump through the roof every time, no matter how many times she’s done them in the past.

But the scene that was supposed to be filmed today was cancelled due to one of the main characters being sick and unable to show up, much to (Y/n)’s disappointment. She was prepared to get it over with and expected to leave the studio with it done. But now she would have to worry about it for the next two days.

Her older brother was supposed to come pick her up after both of their jobs had ended for the day, so they could go out to dinner, but that was hours away now and she had no where to go until then.

So she walked out of the studio, baseball cap and sunglasses on, after deciding to spend her day shopping. The problem was, she’d have to walk there, and she gave her security guard the day off because she thought she’d be busy until late that night.

Shrugging, she decided to go anyway, only hoping that no one recognized her.

She managed to avoid the busy streets, taking back ways instead. She loved to look at the view of all the New York buildings without being bothered. She loved her fans to death, but everyone needs space.

That’s when she something cold and hard being pressed against her temple.

“Don’t scream” the voice said “I’ll shoot, I swear”

She was frozen in fear, not knowing what this guy would do, and the absence of people in the street meant no one to help her. 

“W-what do you want?”

“All the cash you’ve got. Based on those Maui Jim sunglasses, I know you’re loaded.”

She internally sighed in relief, money wasn’t something she was to worried about giving up. He could have done so much worse to her. She began reaching for her purse before she heard someone yell from behind her.

“Hey! Get away from her!”

Something white and sticky yanked the gun from away from her head, and then stuck the man to a building.

(Y/n) turned around to see someone in a skintight red and blue suit, and she was about to thank him when he grabbed her by the waist and brought her to the top of a nearby apartment building.

--

Peter immediately turned to the girl, whose face was still covered by her sunglasses and a baseball hat “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

Instead of answering, she threw her arms around the stranger “Thank you so much”

“Oh, I-it wasn't a problem”

She pulled away and looked over the edge “The view is amazing up here. I bet it’s cool to be able to see it whenever you want”

“Y-yeah, it is” he still didn’t know who this person was. He swore the jean jacket she was wearing looked familiar, along with her voice “What’s your name?”

She was quick to respond “I’ll tell you mine if you’ll tell me yours”

Peter froze, that was never a response he had gotten before. Normally people jumped at the chance to tell Spider-Man who they were.

She laughed, finally turning around again, “I’m just kidding” 

She took of her hat, then her sunglasses, and Peter’s body frozen again. His mouth fell open and his eyes, along with the ones on his suit, went wide. “Y-y-you’re-”

“(Y/n)” she smiled “Yeah. I didn’t know my favorite superhero knew my name”

“I-I-I’m your f-favorite s-s-superhero?” Peter cursed himself for being a stuttering mess, but she was even more beautiful in person.

She laughed at his nervousness “Yeah, you are.” then she looked at her watch, which Peter knew was probably worth more than his entire apartment “Tell you what, I have to go, but how about we meet up again tomorrow?”

“Yeah! O-of course!” 

“Great, I’ll see you then, Spidey”

After he helped her off the building, Peter had never rushed over to Ned’s apartment faster than he did, but in his defense, he had to tell his best friend the good news.

[lullaandby]

sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short. 

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

 a  treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy. 

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone 

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation. 

"These guys are no good.

 Nah. Not like how they used to be. 

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior. 

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad. 

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

 Dad. We're done here. 

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold. 

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net 

there’s a photo of your neighbor, 

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year. 

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys. 

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts 

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Or 

Corninthians and just put in random numbers. 

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away. 

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese 

Do it out 

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out 

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

 they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

*

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set. 

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything 

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential. 

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl. 

Who was just one two many break ups deep. 

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny. 

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one. 

*

STORY- ME

*

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE. 

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office 

Keep talking about going to sweet greens 

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are 

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives 

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness. 

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething. 

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION. 

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation 

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS 

Jessica simpson? 

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it 

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane. 

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off. 

MOTHER SHAME. 

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage 

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except 

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack. 

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah. 

Just do it out. Oprah. 

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family 

Who came before them

As precious moments statues. 

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load 

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science. 

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS 

[ramblingthoughtsofayoungadult]

Wolf of Winterfell-Gendry Imagine

Requested: No

Warnings: None but there is a super short awkward moment

 The silence that enveloped the crowd in King’s Landing was deafening and for a moment, my heart stopped beating. My eyes could do nothing but follow Robert’s head as it rolled across the floor of the execution stage. The scent of sweat, blood, and body odor nearly choked me up more than the tears that were building up in the deepest part of my chest.   

 King Eddard Stark of Winterfell was dead at the order of a mad, nefarious boy king, whose ice blue eyes filled with a disgusting pleasure, as though he was watching two whore go at it rather than witnessing an honorable man die. The only thing keeping me calm was how hard I was hugging Arya against me, my hand covering her head, thankful to the gods that she hadn’t witnessed her father’s death. While Ned was only like a father to me, he was Arya’s true father and I could only imagine how she felt.   

   It would not have given me more pleasure than to whip out my sword, and kill both Joffrey and Cersei in front of their people, but that was irrational and the last thing I needed was to be thought of as irrational as a knight. So I remained calm and tried to keep a straight face.   

 “Y/N?” Arya whispered.   

 I bent down to her. “We must go…now.” 

  I grabbed her hand and led her through the crowd, pushing and shoving past everyone. Fortunately, most people were occupied with witnessing what else their new king would demand to not turn a blind eye towards Arya and me. As we ran through the practically desolate streets, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the many moments in my life Ned had helped me through: when I was six years old, he allowed me to practice archery and sword fighting with Robb, Jon, and Theon. When I cut my hair to stop just below my chin after arguing for three hours with Lady Catelyn on whether to continue my training or prepare myself to become some lord’s wife, rather than yell at me, he told me that I looked like a true warrior. When I became of age at fifteen, he allowed me to keep training with the other soldiers and the boys since I was one of his best soldiers. Plus, I would forever be in his debt because he saved me from a lifetime of slavery. Years ago, he so happened to be passing through a southern village when he saw my mother, a whore who had been knocked up, selling me into slavery, he quickly intervened and took me in as one of his own. The North and the Starks was all I had ever known and though I was from the south, being in King’s Landing was strange but Ned insisted that I be apart of his entourage to help protect Sansa and Arya. Now that he was gone, there was certainly something missing in my life. But I couldn’t dwell on that, I had to keep Arya and Sansa safe.  

   We stopped in an alleyway and Arya was panting.    

  “Did…did Joffrey just—”    

   “Yes, Arya.”  

  “But…but he confessed to false charges anyway!”     

   “Be quiet, Arya. You are no longer safe in King’s Landing.” I eyed her hair for a moment and sighed as I drew my sword from my sheath.  

  Arya’s eyes widened and she reached for Needle. “What are you doing?”   “Be quiet.” I held the blade up to her hair and began cutting her hair short. When I was done, she truly looked like a boy in her rags.  

  “Y/N—”  

 “Do not speak my name!” I hissed.

 “From now on, your name is Arr. You are the orphan son of a lord, it’s the only way to explain the craftsmanship of Needle.”   

 “You’re sending me away? Why can’t I stay with you?”    

 I knelt down to her level. “As much as I want you to stay with me, it would be too dangerous. The Lannisters would have most of their chickens in the coop and it would be too easy for them to hurt you all. The best thing to do is for all of you to split up.”    

  Arya looked at me with the saddest look in her eyes I’d ever seen—even sadder than she usually looked when Lady Catelyn wouldn’t let her practice with me and the boys. She was mostly quiet as I led her to the outskirts of King’s Landing, where peasants were doing their laundry in the lake.

   “So, you are sending me back to Winterfell?”   

 “Yes, and they will be going by way of Kingsroad, where there will be highway men, pickpockets, thieves, and rapers. It is safer for you to travel as a boy.”   “But will I see you again?”

  “I promise you that as soon as I can get Sansa away from the Lannisters safely, I will join you in Winterfell.”   

  “All right.”    

   I took a deep breath as we got closer and closer to the caravan headed to The Wall. There were a dozen boys around Arya’s age play fighting with each other or playing in the mud near the cart. Loading the cart was none other than Yoren.   

    “Ser Yoren,” I called as Arya and I got closer. 

   “What is it? Unless you’re heading to the Wall to join the Night’s Watch, I can’t help you,” Yoren said without looking up.    

    “I have another recruit for you.”      

   At those words, Yoren looked up and his eyes widened when he saw me.   “Y/N.” He blinked and looked at Arya and he kept a straight face. “Who is this?”    “Arr, he is a lord’s orphan and I found him trying to steal some bread in the streets. He would like to turn his life around and join the Night’s Watch,” I said.    Of course, I knew Yoren over the years from him and Benjen visiting Winterfell and he obviously knew the gravity of the situation.   

  “Well, we always have room for miscreants to join the Wall.” Yoren turned to Arya. “Wait nearby, we’ll leave in a few minutes.”    

   “Yes, Ser,” Arya said.    

    I turned to her and wished to give her a hug, but that would have looked suspicious. So, I just sent her to play with the other boys before turning to Ser Yoren.   

  “So you witnessed Ned’s execution?” Yoren whispered.

   “Unfortunately. Arya wanted to storm the stage, but I held her back. I can’t afford to lose two Starks in one hour.”

   “I can understand that, but you should come with us. The Lannisters will certainly have a target on your back. Cersei and Joffrey know how strong of a swordswoman and fighter you are and they will want you to fight for them, and if you don’t—”   

   “Sansa needs someone to protect her because who knows how far Joffrey’s bloodlust for Starks extends?” I rolled my shoulders back. “If anything, they should fear me.”   

   Yoren pressed his lips firmly and it was obvious that he did not approve of my stance. But his opinion didn’t really matter since my first priority was to protect my pseudo siblings.  

   “Y/N, what are you doing here?” I turned to see Gendry, the smithy who I ran into while exploring King’s Landing my first few days.    

   He looked like he had been working hard though he was no longer a smithy and he still wore the leather vest and loose pants of a smithy. However, Gendry also looked very good. 

   “Gendry, I did not know you were joining the Night’s Watch,” I said.   

   “I’m not, just driving and you still didn’t answer my question.” 

   “Just bringing you a new recruit is all.”   

  “Ah, is that sword you bought still working for you?”  

  I nodded. “Yes, it’s quite heavy but easy to use.”   

 “Oh, good.”   

  He scratched the back of his neck and I loathed how awkward this moment was. At least when we first met, I hid my nerves behind speaking technically about swords since I knew swords and other weapons like the back of my hands. It was the first time I ever felt something about a man. Sure, I kind of understood why girls liked Theon, Robb, and Jon but they would always be like brothers to me and it also wasn’t like I had eligible men trying to talk to me—most men in the North were afraid of me and those who tried to get me into bed got a sword held to their throat.   

   “Well, I will leave you to it, then.” I started backing away when Gendry stopped me.  

    “I’m sorry about Ned, he was a good man.”   

   “The best. May the gods bless you on your journey.”  

   “Thanks.”    

   I turned on my heel and began heading back into the capital. As I walked, I tried to begin formulating excuses as to my absence since everyone would certainly be asking. Fortunately, it was fairly easy for me to get back into the castle even when I ran into the guards.  

   “State your name,” one of them demanded.   

  “Y/N Sands also known as the Wolf,” I stated.

    The guards stepped aside and I continued inside. It was oddly quiet in the palace and all I wanted to do was find Sansa and console her, but Joffrey might have still been tormenting her which was all the more reason to find her. Another set of soldiers approached me as I walked through the hallway.   

 “Where is Sansa Stark?” I asked.   

 “In her quarters but the queen demands to see you right now,” one of the guards said.   

 I nodded. “Of course.”   

   I remained calm as they led me into the throne room where Cersei sat in the throne just to the side of the Iron Throne. With her were also Varys and Pety Baelish, who smiled at me in an eerie sense.  

  “Your Grace,  Lady Y/N Sands of Winterfell,” one of the guards announced.   

  “I am hardly a lady,” I said.   

 “Thank you, guards. Y/N, I am sorry for what you had to witness today but it was necessary,” Cersei said.  

  “It was necessary for an honorable man to die in front of your people?” My tone was even and I knew that I was on thin ice with the Lannisters already, but I didn’t care.   

 Fortunately, Cersei managed to keep a pitiful look on her face. “He committed a crime that is punishable by death and it is the king’s duty to see justice carried out.”  

   Yeah, that was justice, I thought bitterly. 

   “I am told that you are called the Wolf, Y/N, far more impressive than our own hound,” Petyr said.  

   Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sandor stiffen. That poor man had been through too much to be forced through that much abuse.  

  “Yes, I am called the Wolf, Ser.”   

 “Why is that?” Varys said.

   I swallowed. “Ser Robb of Winterfell gave me that nickname when we were young because he believed I fought as fiercely as a wolf and the nickname stuck.”   

  “And what do you believe?” Cersei asked. 

   “I believe that I do fight similarly to a direwolf because contrary to popular belief, they do not like fighting—-hate it in fact. However, like the direwolf, I will fight to protect those I care about and to take down my enemies.”    

 The weight of my words seemed to hit Varys and Petyr before Cersei because Varys seemed surprsied at my words while Petyr seemed to be grinning.    Cersei smiled slowly. “That is quite admirable, Y/N. We could use someone with your abilities in our army. If you joined us, you would receive a sizable revenue for your services, residency on the palace, and a high ranking position.”   

  My blood boiled at her words and I hated how Yoren was right: they did want me to fight for them and Lannister rarely took “no” for an answer. I had to play this right and remain calm.    

 “I appreciate your offer, Your Grace, but my job is to protect Sansa.”  

  “And you can do that as a member of my guard or my army.”    

 “May I have some time to think about this offer, Your Grace? It has been such a taxing day and I am not able to make an immediate decision at this time.”  

“Very well, you have until tomorrow after dinner to tell me your decision and I hope you choose wisely, Y/N.” 

  “Of course.” I bowed my head towards her before hurrying out of the room.   There was no way on this side of eternity that I would serve the Lannisters. I had to get Sansa and get back to Winterfell, and I had to do it fast.     Fortunately, Sansa was in her quarters and her eyes were bright red. When she saw me, she smiled sadly. “Y/N.” 

 “Sansa,” I walked over to her and hugged her, “are you all right?”  

 “I will be. I just don’t understand why he killed him.”   

 “Because he saw it fit. Sansa, we have to leave King’s Landing.” 

  “What?” Sansa pulled away and looked at me as though I had three heads. “What are you talking about?”   

 “King Robert’s death already left King’s Landing and the rest of Westeros in the air and your father’s death has turned it into pure chaos. You have too many enemies and too few allies here and I need to get you back to Winterfell.”   

 Sansa shook her head vigorously. “No, I won’t. I am promised to King Joffrey and I will be his queen. I can…I can change him and convince him to be better.”  

  “Sansa, you tried to appeal to him on behalf of your father and he didn’t listen, he will never listen. So long as Joffrey is king and Cersei is at his side, they will try to convince you that you are in their good graces but one slip up and something awful could happen to you.”   

 Sansa glared at me. “You’re just jealous, that I’m a real lady and I am promised to the finest man in King’s Landing. You drive men away by wearing those trousers and never letting your hair grow past your chin and all that sword fighting. While I am queen, you will be but a lowly guard.”  

  “I am hardly jealous—-I chose to pick up a sword and not a needle. To me, the biggest tragedy would be to be the wife of a man who would go against my wishes and kill my father in front of me,” I whispered. “The queen has offered me a position in her guard but I cannot take it as my loyalty is to the Starks. I have to get you out of here because it is my job to protect you and you are like a sister to me. Do not be a fool just for a man.” 

  The look Sansa had was pure sadness and regret, but she still had the regal look of a lady. “I cannot, I’m sorry, Y/N. I will not blame you if you leave but it would be wiser for you to take the queen’s offer.”  

 “It would be wiser for me to keep my honor.”   

A part of me always knew that Sansa would never abandon Joffrey—she had loved him ever since she was promised to him. It would have taken a lot more to get her to join me, but I couldn’t convince her. It seemed as though I had a difficult decision to make: serve Ned’s killer by being a guard/soldier and be able to protect Sansa or go North to keep an eye over Arya. If I did stay, Robb, Jon, Theon, and Lady Catelyn would see me as a traitor, but if I left, I could stay with Arya and possibly Gendry, but that would be selfish. I had to forget about Gendry since there was no way he felt the same way about me. My duty to the Starks came before any possible suitors.    

[lullaandby]

SU

2.         

*

SECTION C.

 JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

a treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

  Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

 The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

 Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

 What am I going to do- tell someone

 "hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

 He thought about it some more and came back with-

 ["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

 That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

 "These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

  Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

  So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

 Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

 Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

  Then he goes " HEY Jo"

 That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

 What Dad.

 "Are you a lesbian?"

 No Dad.

 "ok well I want you to know it's ok."

 thanks.

 "well.... do you know what they do?"

 who?

 "The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

  Dad. We're done here.

  ST HORROR

 Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

 Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

 Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

 And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

 Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

 And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

 No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

  Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

 Just bleeding profusely.

 And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

 No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

 It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

 FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

 It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

  Really the church needs a revamp.

 Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

 Watch pews fill up.

   GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

 The he…

 Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

 It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

 It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

 But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

 Dueternonmy

Or

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

 And they walk away.

  OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

 Some like weird cheese

Do it out

  BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

 How did they have hoes in the Bible?

  I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

 And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

 Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

  *

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

 LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

 Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

 Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

  LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

 This is essential.

 Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

 There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

 Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

 Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

 That’s day one.

  *

STORY- ME

   *

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

  The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

  They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

 THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

  BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

 They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

 Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

 COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

 MONGOOSE.

  VALIDATION STATION.

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

 Jessica simpson?

  Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

 When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

 They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

 Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

 When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

   THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

   It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

 There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

 MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

  DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

 But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

  Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

  MOTHER SHAME.

     JENNER WORLD

 Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

 (Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

 end on marriage

  The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

 Except

  Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

 Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

 The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

  But who is the influencer of the influencers?

 Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

 Just do it out. Oprah.

 And she doesn’t even have instagram.

 And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

 So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

    PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

 Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

 And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

 Just our old friend science.

 ****

 JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

     *****

SECTION D.

 KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

 All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

 Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

 Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

    GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

 Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You  to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

     *

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

 That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

  *

  BJs WHOLESALE

  FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

 You’ll have

infinite  protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

 Poetry.

      POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

  I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

  PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

 "I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

  DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

 WHY WE KILL THEM

 Let him live.

 Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

 Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

       WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

  How men don’t listen

 How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

 My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

 He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

 OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

 How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

   PHD. /// BOB

 MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

 But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

  MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

 You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

 Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

 So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

 When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

 You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

 DAVIDS BIRDAL

 BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out  because couples lie

 S-  CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

  Black Lab

 Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

    *****

SECTION F

 OVERSHARE****

 METH NANNY pt2.  20 seconds

My  go to overshare detail

 Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

 Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

 They'll go-

 "ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened?  {really dramtic sad face}

 did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

 it that what you did?

 well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

     TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

 The guy  in the office who does barely any work,  

 yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

 He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

 BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

  ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

 In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

 But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

  ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

 which is strange.

 I've never stayed in a job past a year.

 So Historically  I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

    Stories- work

 *******

 ****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

  FRIENDS (material. )

 AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational  FB posts turn into daily ones.

 I called up one of my best friends  after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

 How did you know? She said.

  If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic  copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

  FRIEND BREAK UPS

  TRUE FEMINISM

  QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

 My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos  and said, "oh my God.

 Isn't he soooo hot?"

 I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

 and that’s Nasty Caroline.

 And she said, " I know. I know-

 {caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you.  Keep building that tower."

 We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

 That’s not one of them.

  Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

 Twerking on a case by case basis.

  SECTION G

MOCHA

 OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person  stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

 It feels incredible.

 Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

 Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

 for an empty ketchup bottle.

 And you realize just they're working out a wide array of  anger management issues.

 Not really. on. my team.

 CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

 Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

 To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

 ah-  but you had a whole craft bin.

 I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

 A hat with a pom pom?

 Story- affirmative action

   ****

SECTION H.

 DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means  parents periodically send me unsolicited  snapshots of their little cuties.

 Which- is the same as a dick pic.

 That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

 DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

 Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

 Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

    Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

 Perhaps it’s because my personality is  it’s own restraining order.

 I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

 I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

 In my twenties.

 But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

 And it all makes sense

 DATING

  Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

   BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

 Ladies  have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

 Take body maintenance.

 My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

 including.  her butthole.

 Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

  It's a welcome statement.

 NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

 I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

 You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.  

 That's the aesthetic I desire.

 A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

 It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

 It's doable.

 Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

 BB tag. Dinner party.

 ***

 2.        CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3.        Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

4.         

5.        “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

6.         

7.        Boys are always selling

8.        At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

   SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

  If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

 Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

  SECTION I

 2.        ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3.        Brother is a nerd

4.         

5.        NERDS

6.         

7.        Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

8.         

9.         

10.     Put you down for not knowing things

11.     Ask about things they know you don’t know

12.     Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13.     Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.      

15.      

16.     They don’t value.

17.     Having athletic ability

18.     Knowing about pop culture

19.     Being able to socialize

20.     Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21.     Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22.     Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.      

24.      

25.     Things they do.

26.     Being lauded for smart achievements

27.     Knowing things in their field

28.     Knowing niche culture things

29.     Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.      

31.      

32.     Things they get pissed off on.

33.     If you don’t validate their knowledge

34.     Making fun in anyway way

35.      

36.      

37.     The kardashians of education.

38.     Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.      

40.      

41.     Reformed

42.     Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.      

44.     Double down

45.     Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46.     Like doughnuts

47.      

48.     Dabbling

49.     Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.      

51.     Professor

52.     Debates and bows out when they loose

  (The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)