#most of it is about being unemployed and I'm applying for jobs so there's nothing else

[thisismyvieenrose]

Seeing my depression symptoms come back and not being able to do anything about it because I cannot control the causes

[thelordfool]

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

Long story short: I'm unemployed and will not, unlike what I originally thought, qualify for unemployment benefits.

Please read the readmore for additional context on why I'm unemployed. This post is basically a continuation/update/redo of this post. I'm suffering a sickness with no medicine the past week, applied for almost 100 jobs the last two weeks, am disabled/queer/nonbinary/tired of ebegging. I'm also in the negatives in my bank account because my car payment came out, so I need to get that covered.

pp/vm/ca

$250/$1151.51

i need at least $511.51 of this by the first. please spread if you're financially unable to help, every person this reaches helps! here's the breakdown of the costs: $640 - car payment + late fees $380 - rent $131.51 - negative amount in bank currently

Oh hey thanks for stopping by to read this annoying tale of woe and being angry at capitalism. Prepare for wall of text.

I once had two jobs. The first job, at a chain restaurant, was a bit of a clique-y experience where I was working my damndest to be the best bartender they ever had. I still have all the cocktails memorized. However, I continually faced discrimination in the form of severe misgendering, no matter how often I corrected them. I was also set up for failure. Usually, when someone gets hired for a position, there's some amount of training to be done, no matter how experienced they are, right? I was going in nearly entirely inexperienced into the role. I knew how to make cocktails, sure, and was and still am very good with people and selling. But I was trained for two days. Two. Then, on my first night alone (a Friday), I was watched by one of the bigwigs at corporate who saw every little flub and failure. This caused a demotion-ish. I was demoted to barback but was allowed the same privileges. Until their next visit. That upset the hell out of me - I was well trained by that point and could do it all, with one hand tied behind my back. I digress. It was about 2 months following my demotion when i finally walked out. A new bartender had been hired and she thought I was being a total creep by looking at a ticket that had just come in. She stormed off to report me to the manager who, even after hearing my side where I had asked her if there was anything on the ticket that I could grab, said that I "needed to communicate better," and "you should be learning from her," and "you're a grown man, you should know better." I don't think I need to explain why that was so upsetting.

But I didn't report them, because I just wanted to be done with it. I was also working another bartending job, and everythign was literally perfect other than the hours, honestly. I loved the product the distillery made, I loved the people I worked with, and most of all: I had my own regulars. Last month, they hired a new hospitality director, who announced there would be some restructuring, including getting rid of servers while also making a full dinner menu to serve alongside drinks. I said nothing of it, despite my disagreements, and she assured us all that no one would lose their jobs, but just moved into different roles. We all kinda grumbled about it, and I told her that under no circumstances would I work back of house. Easy peasy. Till it wasn't, and I came home to a voicemail while on break with my partner that I'd been let go due to the restructuring. So much for no one losing their jobs, right? I hadn't been the only victim of this. I have my suspicions as to why the new hospitality director did these things, but I've no energy to throw around conspiracies. All I know is that I was shafted by both of these places and I'm tired of being broke. I'm applying, still going to fight, and... sigh.

tl;dr (why did you click the readmore?): i left a job due to discrimination and lost another due to company restructuring and i'm tired and sad and aaaaa.

[adviceformefromme]

Hiii,

I would love to have your insight on my issue or crisis.

I'm now living alone. I moved out (I used to live with a family friend, but she has an awful character, and I always get sick there due to being stressed out/overworked, I worked for her because she owns a business, and she isn't paying me enough, she pays me a quarter and even less from everyone else), and I was supposed to have a job, I applied, get hired and all that but it didn't turned out well. So, now I'm unemployed, and I'm looking for a job again. But it's been over a month, and my anxiety is skyrocketing. I'm so worried over the next few weeks because I might run out of money, and I have pills to pay, food, and everything else. I am budgeting what's left to fit all my expenses. I am so worried. I don't have anyone I can confide to, ask for help, or anything. I feel so alone and miserable. I really don't know what to do anymore.

I'm still currently applying for a job, hopefully I'd get hired as soon as possible. But as of the moment, this situation is really taking a toll on my well-being. I can't sleep, and I'm constantly worrying about what might happen to me tomorrow, the next few days and weeks. I'm so stressed out. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading this. Would love to have your advice on this one. Love lots, and take care always xx.

Hey sweetie, omg I FEEL you! I have been there. I was thrown out and had no were to go when I was 19 and I was literally desperate. I had no money, no job and also when I was 21 same thing. As difficult as this situation is, you have to believe it's literally the moments before your break through, and this is where your task is to trust and lean into faith. I know you have a vision, of where you want to be, i know you are trying your very best to get there, or even just get on the path there so keep focusing on what you want, nothing less. Pour all your energy into where you want to be. Not who screwed you over, not how difficult life is. IGNORE THE 3D. Focus all your mental energy on where you want to be. This is going to require you to be pro-active in thinking positively. Things you can do right now to help yourself. 1] Grab a pen and paper or the notes in your phone. Write down exactly what you want. The vision. Let go of what you don't want otherwise you're dragging more of that into your future. Write about the dream job, where it is, what you wear to work, what time you wake up, what your new boss is like, get into DELULU. Make shit up. Be creative. As long as you write in present tense. I AM. Keep doing this. Time yourself for 5 mins writing (longer if you can). You also want to imagine the phone call receiving the good news. Just keep pretending 'OMG THEY OFFERED ME THE FUCKING JOB AGHHHHHH' literally go there, this is your oscar moment. Let the tears stroll down because you are so happy, the struggle is finally over. Pretend you're on the phone to your imaginary boyfriend telling him the best news about your new job. Imagine getting the keys to your dream apartment. As crazy as this all sounds the most important thing you do is FEEL into where you want to be, and do this as often as you can throughout the day. Become obsessed with your vision. Put hourly timers on your phone, the main goal is to move you out of the darkness you are in right now. 2] Listen to positive music. Let go of the depressing shit, listen to beautiful songs that make you feel hopeful, energised. Binural beats, pop music that uplifts you, harp playlists on youtube, whatever lifts your spirits, use sound to assist you. 3] Go for a run! Running is free. Is allows you to free your mind, shift your energy and realise some of the weight of the world. 4] Stop talking about what you don't want. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES speak from this moment on, about what you do not want. Don't speak on it. Words are spells, make sure you are only speaking on GOOD NEWS. If anyone asks you about your job search, tell them its going well and you're feeling like something good is about to happen. Pause mid sentence if you find yourself speaking negatively. 5] GET PREPARED. Mentally, physically. I'm not sure what country you are in but there are charities like 'Dress for Success' (globally) that help women with free work clothes, my friend used to volunteer there and they have incredible designer clothes they donate to women for work purposes. See what support is available to you and lean into it. 6] PRAY. Speak words to the unseen, ask for a sign, guidance, a job today, some money to come from somewhere, whatever feels natural for you. Lean on prayer for support. There is a GOD available to you, ready to help. Speak to him, ask him for help, don't be shy, if you're mad, if you're upset let him know. He is there for you, and will help and change your life. He has changed my life so much and I trust he can and will do the same for you. When you feel like you have no-one, I promise you, if you lean on God he will change your life like you could never imagine. I hope these points help sweetie. Sending all the love xoxoxox

[rikaluver]

P.U.N.K Girl

Finding a job has never been so hard.

Retail isn't cutting it anymore. Not only is it draining, but the hours are far too long. The pay is fine, but not good enough to keep paying for therapy. And your insurance is a bitch.

So now, you spend most of your days scrolling through jobs, looking in the newspaper, or going to a library to print a resume for those few offices that still require physical paperwork. You do rarely get an interview, but it always ends the same. We'll call you. We'll think about it. You never end up hearing back from them.

Your patience and funds are running low, and you've gotten to the point that you're applying to every job that's hiring. Janitor, security, hell, you even applied to be a factory worker, though you're hoping they don't contact you for that one.

Long story short, you absolutely need a job.

It's another day of scrolling through your email, looking for anything that indicates someone even looked at your resume. You sigh. You know there won't be anything new, but you're hoping that one of these days, your luck will change. That you'll get a response. Just maybe, today is that day. That there's a company willing to hire a broke, recently unemployed person with very little experience to their name.

A few more clicks and a refresh gets you nowhere. You sigh. Are you really that unemployable?

Before you can start spiraling, you decide to check your mail. Maybe there'd be another job offering in the newspaper. You step outside and walk down the hall of your apartment complex, turning left towards the elevator. You press the button, and it immediately opens, which is good since you don't feel like waiting. You step inside, pushing the button to the lobby. The doors shut, and the elevator descends. As you watch the numbers, you wonder if this is what being trapped feels like. Not in a metaphorical way. You literally are trapped in a tiny, metal box. It's not exactly claustrophobia-inducing, but it's close. You're thankful when it dings and opens its doors. You walk out and head towards the front door, exiting the building and making your way towards the mailboxes.

You've never been religious, but you feel like it couldn't hurt to send a prayer up to any higher power listening.

You pull the mailbox key out of your pocket and open the mailbox, reaching in to grab the mail. You don't really have many letters these days. A few coupons and bills, but nothing you really want or need. That is until you pull out the newspaper and flip through it. Your eyes light up as you see an ad for a job.

Fazbear Frights.

Immediately, you're hit with a wave of nostalgia from the name 'Fazbear' alone. Fredbear's Family Diner. You used to go there all the time as a child and you absolutely adored the place. Springbonnie was always your favorite, there was just something about him that you couldn't get enough of. You loved the other Fazbear locations as well, but nothing could top the original.

Even after all the missing children and animatronic malfunctions, nothing could make you hate the franchise. It made you a bit of an outcast as you were growing up, but who cares? You were just a child back then, you're older than you'd like to be now but at least you don't have to deal with the endless teasing anymore.

Looks like the new location is more of a horror attraction looking for a security guard. The pay is good. Really good, actually. The hours are a bit undesirable but you have nothing better to be doing from midnight to six AM.

With a renewed sense of optimism, you race back up to your apartment and call the number listed under the ad.

The phone doesn't ring for long before someone picks up. "Hello?"

The person who picks up sounds young. Maybe even younger than you.

"Hi, uh, I saw your job offering in the newspaper." You can barely even speak without stumbling your words, and, honestly, it's embarrassing. "I'm wondering if there's still an opening?" You hold your breath as you wait for a response. It seems like an eternity passes before they reply. It's the most excruciatingly long minute of your life.

"Yeah! Yeah, the opening's still available. We're gonna need you to work tonight though, is that alright?" The man inquires. You don't have a problem with that. Anything to get you off your feet and stop relying on your savings account.

"Yeah! Yes, that's fine, I'd be happy to work tonight!" Gotta sound enthusiastic.

"Rad, dude, you have the address? Come by at midnight!" Before you get a chance to reply, he hangs up.

It takes a second for everything to process. But, holy shit, you got the job! You're overjoyed. This is the first thing to go right in a while and it feels amazing. And what do you do? You celebrate with some leftover dessert in the fridge.

The place isn't hard to find despite being in an amusement park; it's the only remotely horror-themed thing in the whole place. It's very, very stylized, the windows are boarded up and the whole place looks run down. They did a good job, you know, if you were a little dumber you might've believed this was the original restaurant.

You walk inside and the place is, unsurprisingly, run down. Despite all this, the interior looks a lot like the original location and there's a feeling in your gut that that's exactly what this place is. But your rational thinking has you thinking they did a good job replicating the whole place.

After walking around for a while, you find what you assume to be your office. It's a pretty big office, it even has a closet! There's a monitor on your desk with a sticky note on it that reads 'turn on camera, play audio.' You're not sure why you could possibly need to play audio but you do know you're meant to keep people out, so there's got to be some logical reasoning behind playing audio.

As you settle into the office, you decide to follow the instructions on the sticky note. With a click, the monitor flickers on, displaying a grid of cameras showing various sections of the attraction. Each view feels oddly familiar, reminiscent of the layout from the childhood memories you hold so dear.

You're not really sure what you're supposed to be doing. You look around and see a small box of tapes, and a phone that sits beside the monitor. You grab the box and read the label. It's a bunch of tapes, but none of them are labeled. Before you can continue looking through more of the tapes, the phone next to your monitor rings. You jump, not expecting the sudden noise, and pick it up.

"Uh, hello?" You don't know what you're expecting. Maybe it's the person who hired you?

"He-hey! Glad you came back for another night! I promise, it'll be a LOT more interesting this time!"

It's your first night and you have no idea what he's talking about, but you recognize the voice as the guy who picked up the phone earlier.

"Excuse me?"

"We found som-some great new relics over the weekend, and were out tracking down a new lead RIGHT NOW!" The guy seems to be in his own world and it doesn't take long for you to realize the thing is pre-recorded, somehow. You decide to let him go on since there's not much else you can do. "So, uhh- let me just update you real quick, then you can get to work."

The guy continues on for what feels like forever but he does tell you what exactly you have to do. Keep people out. Watch for anyone on the cameras. Reboot systems. Seems simple enough.

"Okay, keep an eye on things, and we'll try to have something new for ya' tomorrow night."

Then, the recording cuts off and you're left to place the phone back onto it's hook. At least it answered the questions you had. The monitor on your desk is your most important asset, and you're pretty sure it'll give you all the information you need, so you're not too worried.

"Okay, okay, so.." You look around your desk. The monitor, the tapes, the phone, the closet, and some kind of tablet-like object. You have no idea what to do first, so you decide to investigate the tapes. You highly doubt someone's going to break in on your very first night working here. Even if your luck's been bad, it's still unlikely. And you can't imagine anyone breaking in to steal stuff, not when it's a horror attraction. If they're willing to risk being arrested just for some souvenirs, they're not exactly a threat.

You decide to turn the tape player on and grab a tape at random. The moment you do, a static, high-pitched noise fills the room. You wince. The noise hurts, and you're not sure if it's a glitch or a malfunction. Whatever it is, it doesn't last long. Within seconds, the noise dies out and the voice of a man begins to play. "Oh, Hello! Hello, hello! Uh, welcome to your new career as a perfomer slash entertainer, for Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. Uh, these tapes will provide you, with much needed information on how to handle slash climb into slash climb out of, mascot costumes."

Obviously, you're appalled, confused, and intrigued. You're not sure if the tapes are meant to be for the attraction or if they're genuinely old training tapes for employees back when Freddy Fazbear's Pizza was still a thing. But the thought of it being part of the attraction makes no sense. It doesn't fit the theme, and, quite frankly, it doesn't even sound that good. It sounds like a terrible idea to have something like this in a horror attraction. But, the thought of these tapes being the actual training tapes has a strange feeling settling in the pit of your stomach. It's not a pleasant feeling, but you can't quite put a name on it.

You listen to the whole tape and are pretty entertained. You're now leaning towards the thought that these tapes might be genuine relics from the Pizza place. It seemed too detailed and knowledgeable to be made up. If they really were used by employees back in the day, it's a fascinating find. And the fact that they're so well preserved is impressive. You're not sure why anyone would keep a tape from their job from thirty years ago. It doesn't matter, it's still a cool find, even if it's just a coincidence.

You listen to a few more tapes before you hear something that isn't the trainer's voice from outside the tapes. A loud banging on what seems to be a door. It sounds further away from either of the exit doors, so it can't be anyone on the outside. It sounds like it's coming from inside the attraction and despite everything in your brain screaming at you to ignore it, you decide to check the sound out. You get up from your chair and grab the tablet, figuring it'd be better safe than sorry.

The banging leads you to a boarded-up room near the back of the attraction. The banging is desperate and you hear someone's breath rattling amongst it.

"Hello? You're not supposed to be in there. You're trespassing."

You think you hear soft laughter in there, but it's raspy like it belongs to an old man. Or a smoker. What's more, it sounds metallic.

"How did you even get in? This room is boarded shut...Either way, you gotta leave. I'm the security guard for this place, and I really don't want to have to call the police or anything. You'd be making things easier for us both if you just leave."

"I'm afraid it isn't that easy." The voice seems to belong to an older man. He's got some vague accent you can't really place, mainly due to the metallic aspect of his voice. You still have no idea how his voice sounds like that. Hell, it even sounds staticky, you consider the fact he may be using some kind of device to emit his voice but what would be the point of that? His voice is really raspy like he hasn't used it in a while.

"Why's that?"

"Open the door and find out."

Everything in your body is telling you not to open the door but you can't help but wonder if the guy's stuck in there...somehow. It still doesn't make sense how he got into this room but you can't just leave him in there.

"Just stay there, I'm gonna get something to get the planks off the door." You don't wait for a reply before you're off back to the office and looking in the closet. You find a box of tools, inside is a hammer, and a crowbar.

This should be able to do the job. You run back to the room with the tools in hand. You're not sure if the voice is still in the room, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

"You still in there?"

"I can't really go anywhere else, my friend."

It takes a shit ton of effort to peel off the planks on the door. Maybe you should start going to the gym. The door, for some reason, opens inwards.

"Okay, um, stand back, I'm gonna open the door now."

You don't get a response back. You jam your crowbar into the doorframe and put your weight on it. The door is shut surprisingly tight. It's incredibly solid. You really have to push, putting all of your weight on it. You can hear the metal door groaning before you lose your grip on the crowbar. You just barely catch yourself on your hands on the dirty floor. Thankfully, the door opened just a smidge.

"There you are! Now get out so I can lock this room up again." You pant, exhausted.

You hadn't even considered that this person might be a threat to you. The room's smell drifts out, creating a dense haze that immediately assaults your nose. You instinctively cover your nose and mouth.

It smells absolutely putrid. It's like...rusted metal and rotted meat. Honestly, it smells like death.

You watch as inhumane fingers curl around the rusted door. The door slowly opens and out comes an animatronic. You think back to what the guy on the phone said. About seeing things sometimes if your oxygen system needs rebooting but a quick glance down at your tablet shows no errors on the screen. The thing takes a step forward, slouching in order to fit through the door frame and you slowly move back. It makes another step toward you and you take another step back. The further you move back, the closer it gets to you, until you hit the wall behind you.

"Thank you so much...You have no idea how long I was stuck in there."

Its tone is sincere, yet it doesn't put you at ease and you find yourself holding the crowbar up. Like it's gonna do anything to the huge 7-foot robot.

It takes a moment for you to register what you're looking at. A really long moment. When it finally dawns on you, you scream. The animatronic extends a mechanical hand and roughly covers your mouth, although the roughness seems to be accidental like it doesn't know its own strength.

"Please be quiet, your scream's the loudest thing I've heard in a while." See, now you feel saliva build up in your mouth and you're sure you're about to throw up from the smell. It smells like something's decomposing behind the suit. You gag and it backs up a bit. It looks a bit apologetic despite not having human facial features to work with. "Look, I'll let you go if you promise not to scream, okay?"

You nod and it lets you go, backing up a few feet and raising its arms in a non-threatening manner. "I'm not going to hurt you, I promise."

Its voice is soft and quiet. It doesn't move, waiting for you to speak first. It's surprisingly patient for an animatronic (but also why wouldn't it be patient?). After a few seconds of analyzing him, you recognize the animatronic as Springbonnie. He's all torn up and you can see the endoskeleton inside. It has detailed and complicated mechanisms, which seem to have grown rot all around it and along the furred lining of the suit. That wasn't the part that caught most of your attention, though. It's whatever's inside of him. It's all rotten and looks like flesh. Whatever it is, it's disgusting, and you figure that's what's making him smell so bad.

For some reason, you decide to put the crowbar down, trusting it enough not to attack. Though the thought of it attacking does scare you. You don't respond to it, not knowing what to say. It's not every day you're met with an animatronic supposedly from the 80's.

The animatronic looks at you expectantly, awaiting an answer. You're not really sure what it wants you to say. So, instead of saying anything worthwhile, you blurt out the first question that comes to your mind, which happens to be a rather stupid one.

"What are you?"

"Assuming you meant to say 'who are you,' I'm..." it hesitates, "I'm Springtrap." The way he hesitates before answering the question makes you think the name's been made up on the spot.

"No, uh, that's not what I meant, sorry." You're not sure why you're apologizing to him. "Like are you an animatronic, or a spirit, or something?" When you were younger and all those kids went missing, you remember there being rumors about the ghosts of the supposedly dead children haunting the animatronics and it's the first thing that comes to mind when you ask the question.

Springtrap looks at you curiously before he decides on an answer, seemingly trying to be as vague as possible. "Both."

Okay, then, that didn't give any clarification on the situation. You're not sure what to say now. Should you leave? You have no idea what's going on, but it's starting to get a bit uncomfortable, to say the least, and the smell is suffocating you.

Springtrap stands there, waiting for something you're not sure about. "Um, okay, Springtrap. Nice to meet you, I think," you stammer, still trying to process the situation. "But why were you in that room? How long have you been in there?"

He takes a second to think about the questions before ultimately giving you the vaguest answers ever. "I've been here...a while, and as for how I got here...they forgot about me when they closed down the restaurant."

His response, albeit vague, sends a shiver down your spine. The idea of being abandoned and forgotten in a closed-down restaurant sounds like a nightmare. "Wait, wait, wait, you've been here for...like 30 years, how are you not, like, y'know?"

"If you're asking why I haven't moved onto the afterlife, I don't think there's an afterlife waiting for me."

You feel a bit saddened by his somber response. You wonder why you're feeling bad for an animatronic before putting it down to the fact he was your favorite animatronic in the franchise. And the fact that he's a poor ghost kid unable to make it to heaven. Wait, is he a kid? He seems too mature to be a kid but also he's been here for 30 years.

Your curiosity gets the best of you and you absolutely have to ask about him. "So, Springtrap, tell me about your past, you were a human before?"

It's a dumb question again but he gives you an answer nevertheless. "I was once a woman, yes. Though, I'm not sure what I am anymore."

"Wait, you're a chic?" You'd been assuming she was a man this whole time due to her voice but the fact that she's a woman doesn't change anything. "Sorry, I kinda just assumed you were-"

"Don't worry about it," she interjects, "people assumed the same when I was alive. But, yeah, when I was alive I used to work here."

You nod, listening intently.

"I was putting on this suit when I had a little...accident. I died in the suit, basically."

"Wait, how?" You wonder if you're asking too many questions but she doesn't seem to mind, not in your eyes at least. If she's bothered by the questions, she's doing a damn good job at hiding it.

"Well if I could show you I would but, I doubt you want to get any closer to me, right?" And right she is. You nod and she continues to explain. "The Springbonnie and Fredbear suits were the only suits with springlocks in them and well, the springlocks locked into place while I was in it and slowly killed me." You swear you see her shiver at the thought of the accident that killed her.

You both stand there in silence for a moment, feeling the weight of her story. It's a lot to take in, the atmosphere in the room feels heavy. You feel bad for her.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," you finally say, not quite sure what else there is to say.

Springtrap gives a slight nod, acknowledging your words. "Thank you. It's been a long time, and I've had plenty of time to...come to terms with it, I suppose."

You decide to change the topic, trying to lighten the mood a bit or something. "So, why were you banging on the door? Were you trying to get out?"

She looks down, almost as if embarrassed. "Yeah, I guess I got a bit desperate. It gets lonely in there, and I thought maybe someone would eventually find me. I didn't expect it to be a security guard, though."

"Well, I did find you, "you say, half-jokingly, "and now I have an animatronic ghost as a friend, I guess."

She chuckles. "Friend, huh?"

"Yeah, unless you don't want anything to do with me, which is fine." You, once again, have no clue what you're doing acting like this with a dead woman stuck in a robot.

"No, no, being your friend sounds like great fun." You're glad she thinks so because you might be moving too fast. Do people consider each other friends this quickly? How would you know? You didn't have friends growing up.

You decide to check the time on your tablet. It's getting close to six, the time you're meant to end your shift.

The initial shock of meeting Springtrap is still lingering, but you need to focus on your responsibilities. After all, you did take on this job to earn a living. "Hey, Springtrap, I hate to cut things short, but my shift's almost over. I need to make sure everything's in order before I leave. We can talk more tomorrow, okay?"

She nods understandingly. "Alright, I appreciate you helping and hearing me out. Um, should I come find you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that'll work fine. Take care."

You head back to your office, checking the cameras and ensuring everything's in order for the night. The encounter with Springtrap was unexpected, but it adds a unique twist to your job at Fazbear Frights.

As the clock chimes and your shift officially ends, you leave the office and head towards the exit. The sunrise is just beginning to paint the sky with warm hues as you step out. You look back and swear you see Springtrap staring as you leave but you could very well be imagining it. You don't remember her following you, and you're sure you would've heard her following you with her heavy footsteps. You brush it off and walk back to your car, heading on home. Tomorrow should be a lot more fun.

[donnerpartyofone]

I think to myself, well I'm unemployed and I can't cook and I don't produce anything and I really have nothing to do, so why don't I clean the bathroom. Cleaning the sink is easy. Cleaning the toilet and the tub is easy. I did it recently enough and I've done it a hundred times, I will make myself useful and I'll feel good about this. And it's just a disaster. It takes three or four hours. Every time I think I'm almost done, I discover a huge mess in an area I just "cleaned". I was really thinking about it, I was being thorough, but I just couldn't work it out. Every time I have to do something, almost anything, it has to be done over again many, many times, often by someone else. It doesn't matter if I take my time. It doesn't matter how much practice I have or how much research I do or if I ask for help or advice. The other day I needed to update about four sentences in my cover letter to apply for a job and it took me an hour because there was something about the file I couldn't understand. It's just a Word document. I worked in an office at a tech startup for almost ten years (they hired me out of desperation when the only person in one whole department needed a vacation; the only thing they asked me was "Are you sure you want to do this?"). I had a computer in college, and ever since. Most of what I do with my time on Earth is type documents. This is not foreign to me. But even when I finally fixed my problem, I don't know how I fixed it. I couldn't repeat it. Honestly I still don't understand what the actual problem was. The next time I have the problem I will just have to hope the same corrective accident happens again. I don't know how I'm going to find a job again. Actually I don't even know what I can do. My only choice is to keep trying and trying and trying and trying, at everything. It's amazing how often I wake up feeling genuinely ambitious about something, even something small, feeling convinced that I've been trying so hard to improve for so long that today absolutely must be better than yesterday. But I think I've been living the same day for my entire life. Please god find me a job I can do, help me figure out what thing I haven't tried yet that I can be competent at, some little corner of life where I can be useful and reliable. Something that can sustain me enough so I'm not wasting entire days and making everyone carry me. Something to justify the space I take up and the resources I use. The future is starting to look pretty bad. It looks a lot like the past, and the present. Please help me find a job that will make me helpful and keep me out of trouble. Otherwise I don't know what will happen to me.

[kingofscoops]

7 11 18 23 27 28 30x2: what is something you are looking forward to in your day to day life, and within the realm of your interests? what is something you really want to happen in s5 of ST that you don't recall seeing anyone else talk about?

7. what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

Fuckkk I haven't been to an aquarium in so long (and yet there's one in the city where I live lol), erm, probably the sharks or turtles, I can't remember what my aquarium has lol

11. anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

A lot 😅, I still live at home and am apparently too sentimental to get rid of half of the junk from my childhood, main thing I would say are my beanie babies and other stuffed animals, I hate the idea of giving away to strangers (yeah I know it's bad)

18. Your boba/tea order?

I don't drink boba or tea so nothing

23. do you wear jewelry?

Yeah, I wear rings, necklaces and one earing when I remember to have it in (normally after I've had to half repierce because I left it so long) - and yeah only one because I had issues with my other ear piercing and didn't wanna go through having it pierced again

27. what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

Some skinny jeans, one of my many many graphic tees (probably my Eddie Munson one I love it so much and it's by far one of my comfiest) a pair of my vans or my boots (my fave boots don't fit me very well atm which make me sad - damn my chubby ankles and calves), my red plaid shirt or green plaid Metallica shirt vest (weather dependent) and some of my rings - my faves are my amethyst coffin ring and my bat ring.

28. last meal on earth?

Pizza, or maybe Shake Shack (I'm still pissed that I can't get them round here anymore I miss their cheesy crinkle fries 😭)

30 - 1. What is something you look forward to in your day to day life, and within the reasons of your interests.

At the minute I'd say the freedom on being unemployed and knowing I don't have the stress and weight of my old job on the shoulders, but I'm still struggling to figure out what I've really want to do but I'm still waiting to hear back from a different job I applied for a few weeks back (I'm hoping I can at least get an interview because it's for a company that specialises in something I'm actually interested)

But yeah woo freedom, I get to get back into my hobbies I felt to exhausted to do in my free time when I was working at my old job.

30 - 2. What is something you really want to happen in S5 of ST that you don't recall anyone else talking about?

ooh that's an interesting one, I think most of what I want has already been expressed in one way or another, while there are certain things I couldn't care less about (B*ler/m*leven love triangle all that crap because I don't even have an attachment to those characters anymore due to not liking the actors all that much anymore - yeah I know I'll probably get some hate there for that...), my main things for endgame are;

A happy ending for Max, Lucas, Dustin, Steve, Robin and Erica (they are probably the only characters I do care about these days)

Steve and Nancy not becoming a thing again (still one of things I hated most about s4 - they are better as friends I don't understand what the duffer idiots don't see about that)

And Steve in general finding happiness, whether that's actually finding someone who gets him and isn't going to hurt him or finally being ok with just himself (though in my mind he's living happy with my oc and probably always will be whatever happens in S5 lol)

I'd say I'd love to see Eddie come back too but if we're being realistic here, do we think that's actually gonna happen? It hasn't with any other fan faves who have died so I don't think that'll happen, I mean heck they're not even bringing back Argyle and he's alive so 🤷‍♀️

Send me some weirdly specific asks

[novoplata]

Gaji kicik -- a story of 5 loaves and 2 fish

Matthew 14:17-21, NIV

The year was 2014 and I just got hired as a PR consultant for a high-profile government project (this very project I'm working for today) and I was ecstatic to be receiving a pay of RM4,500 -- which was pretty high for an executive-level job at that time.

I soon realised that the job was no walk in the park. I was constantly stressed and anxious. I dreaded Sundays and I dreaded going to work every single day. My contract eventually ended a year later and I was relieved to finally be out of the job.

Nonetheless, finding a new job that could offer the same ballpark salary was impossible at that time. Six unemployed months later, I finally accepted a job that paid RM1,500 less. Accepting a pay cut left a bitter taste in my mouth. I hated to admit it, but it was also very humbling.

I prayed for God to lead me to another opportunity, a job that pays better. However, it seemed like He'd had a better plan.

I have a habit of keeping a record of my savings and looking back, my finances in 2015 were nothing short of a miracle.

After losing my job in December 2014 and not being unemployed until May, I had depleted my savings to RM14k. However, I was still able to save RM12k by July that year -- all that while working a job that only paid RM3,000.

This season, to me, was a season of complete trust and surrender to the Lord. I had just moved into my new apartment and bills had skyrocketed. I wondered how I'd be able to make ends meet with an RM1,500 pay cut. But with God, everything is possible.

I started getting plenty of freelance opportunities seemingly out of nowhere. I remember opening my email to job offers with no referrals, two of them were the Greece-based Upstream and Bay Area-based Apple Music. I still couldn't imagine how these opportunities had managed to find little old me. The only possible explanation is God's grace.

Ironically, these miraculous events stopped just as soon as I decided to look for a better-paying job and 'provide' for myself. Ironically, too, these jobs that paid better never made me as happy as my multiplied five loaves and two fish.

I sometimes feel paiseh to talk about money (fear of kena cakap minta puji and kena minta hutang/belanja), but I realise that the most powerful testimony of my walk with Christ is in the story of His provision in my life.

I recently applied for a job that is paying so much less than my current salary. I get asked if I'm sure I'm willing to make this sacrifice, should I get the job. I admit that it's super hard, just like any sacrifice will be, but looking back, I realise that God has never abandoned me. In fact, He's multiplied the little that I have so that I can also be a blessing to others.

I see this season of me being stuck in a job I hate as an invitation to let go and to allow God to take the wheel of my life. I'm reminded today that unless the Lord builds a house, the labourers labour in vain. And unless Jesus is in your boat, you can fish all night and not catch any basung.

[aforkstuckintheroad]

It's been a while, reading the things I wrote on here, not a lot has changed but a lot has changed. From that last sentence, at least we can establish that my writing has not changed as much, it's just as dramatic.

Some things are different - I am heading to graduate school and I am moving out of my parents home. God, I am so stressed. I procrastinated hard on a lot of really important things and now I feel so behind on everything and the program hasn't even begun yet. I am already playing catch-up.

My life is taking a drastic and dramatic turn. I quit my job a while ago, and since then I've pretty much been at home and in my room. I wrote a post on here previously about how much I love my room most of the time - and yeah, safe to say, it was not that romantic to be stuck in it without purpose or any semblance of meaning for almost two years. My life keeps taking these big turns - that's how 20s go I suppose? One day you're in college, the next you're out and working, then next you're lost and unemployed, the next you're moving countries for grad school. Relatively, these are pretty normal experiences, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact quite privileged in having access to these experiences. Except my stomach hurts all the time and so does my head. This rapid change of scenery over and over again - the adjustment, the departure, the re-adjustment - I can't breathe when I sit and think about it. So I've stopped sitting to think. Now I only feel stress and anxiety. I don't feel sadness, I don't feel excitement. The stress and anxiety have taken over all my feelings. And the guilt for feeling even these two, given all the privilege, will not even let me feel the stress and anxiety in peace - that's an oxymoron, but you know what I mean? I hope you do. I find solace only in the fact that I am not alone, and people out there understand. I feel alone, in my house, with my friends sometimes. But there are people out there. There's always somebody on Reddit going through the same thing as you. So there's that. Everything just feels like a lot of work, and I do not know how to put in the work. I honestly and plainly - do not want to. I have not found anything yet that makes me feel like I would want to put in that work. Maybe all of this will change in grad school, maybe being back in school will turn my life around. But as I've often seen quoted online - you can run away to a different place, but you can't escape yourself. I hope I do better, I want to do better. But as I sit and write this instead of updating my resume and applying for the on-campus job that I really want - I do not know if I will be any better. The job applications and the housing process is really very deeply stressing me out and I leave in 2 weeks. I just want to get there and start my life. But if I'm not able to put in the pre-start work for my life, will I be able to do it once it all starts full swing?

Therapy was barely helpful with my tasks, what is wrong with my brain? I've just started reading Atomic Habits finally, after seeing it everywhere. Yes I am scared to admit that I am reading a self-help book. I guess it's an indication to how desperate I am to change my life. I cannot miss out on opportunities anymore because of my inability to do tasks! It is excruciating. I absolutely cannot do a single task to save my life right away, quite literally. Even if my life depended on it, I would procrastinate for days and days. Like getting my stomach checked out - because it hurts all the time. There's some hypochondria at play there too though, and my sedentary lifestyle is largely to blame. But still, what if there was a real problem there? I refuse to take any action?

I have no control over myself and my body, and thus there is no me and there is no I. It is just an entity, operating at it's own instinctive will. The writer of this, is just a little part that exists somewhere within this entity, but in no way or form can take claim of forming the entire entity. Because the writer has very little actual control over the entity. That is how I feel. Best, the 5% of the entity

[be-good-be-safe-be-kind]

(un)employment :(

getting increasingly frustrated with being unemployed and all of the circles i'm running in to find employment. slightly annoyed that i'm unable to file for unemployment, because i have not been legally employed since like 2014. also can't get disability aid because every time i take a tiny baby step forwards, i get knocked backwards into a wall (aka managed to get an evaluation after years of waiting, only to be told that i'm just anxious and choosing not to work). fantastic that i keep getting suggestions on how to improve my resume, and no one listening when i explain that there's only so many ways i can bullshit my skills and experiences sections when i haven't technically worked in nearly a decade and was a student for most of my life.

'work from home jobs and remote working is great!' yeah and a lot are commission only and/or MLM schemes, or are only available in certain areas despite being remote, or require you to buy your own equipment, or are actually travel-based / door-to-door sales stuff (and part of my disability is i can't drive). and a lot also require resumes and proof of employment history, and knowledge of specific industries like medical billing or insurance or auto repair.

terrific having a degree that doesn't mean much because 'english and creative writing with a concentration in screenwriting' might look good on paper but without a portfolio or anything sold and/or produced to prove that i can write, it's just bs (technically it's a BA but that's not the point). 'just be a teacher' uhh i can't, i'm not certified. 'okay then a tutor' that requires a different certification that i also don't have money for. 'what about a librari-' master's degree. 'oh you can have a blog!' sure. post... what, exactly, and make a profit... how? (which technically i know how to do; it is kinda funny though watching people sputter when i ask them follow-ups on this) love applying to jobs, getting ghosted, then seeing the little 'urgently hiring' banners on the listings months later, applying again, and still hearing nothing back. really does great things for my confidence to not receive any feedback as to why i'm not what these people are looking for, or what they do want. great that i get some automated 'click here to schedule an interview/follow up meeting' messages from recruiters and then the links are broken, or no spots are available, and i can't connect to an actual human person to ask for clarification because the emails are outgoing only and there's no way to reach them. delighted that for the past three years, every fucking retailer in a 10 mile radius is desperately hiring, with maybe two people working a five checkout store, and yet i either get ghosted or a notification every 90 days asking me if i want to re-submit my application. which i do, and have done, for three years. super fun finding out via screencaps (and then looking for the sources to confirm) that national geographic likely didn't get back to me because they're discontinuing print media, fired all staff writers, and have freelancers/contractors working on tiktok and tiktok-ified platforms.

[running out of positive words to pretend i'm not dying inside] that hundreds of emails confirmed i applied for jobs, in almost every field/industry that i meet the marks for, yet apparently i can't do any of these things. i can't shelve cans. can't stand at the counter of the college coffeeshop/bookstore. can't be a preschool TA (one of the only jobs i was legally working for years). can't do inventory or prepare food or take customer orders or work a cash register. can't edit study guides or write ads or do market research or write scripts for youtube 'deep' dives or literally dozens of other things that i went to school to learn how improve my skills. absolutely wonderful that simon & schuster got bought out by paramount, a struck company, (after federal ruling said they couldn't be bought out by penguin/random house/whoever else the fuck they consolidated) and then sold to a private company which is known for buying out places, bleeding them dry, and putting hundreds of thousands of people out of work, so even though i have a snowball's chance in hell of getting the job, idk. (this one's more of a ramble)

'reach out to people you know' idk how to break it to you, person making this suggestion, that you know i don't have irl people and the online people are in other timezones. and as much as i would love to move across the country to live with friends, not gonna do that to bag groceries and be unable to pay rent.

'you have to stop being so picky' okay fine let's try something. you sift through job boards and corporate websites with crappy filters, you get your hopes up when the little 'you meet all employer qualifications' thing is on the top of a listing, only to find you are in no way, shape, or form qualified, you set up accounts for bullshit portals and click through links to resubmit the same info four times only to be met with an asterisk requiring you to put current employer information, you get other surprise obstacles along the way like needing to record a video message or taking a 45 minute skills test on a 'quick apply' listing, you reply politely to recruiters saying they reviewed your profile and you'd be perfect for the job, knowing they did not, in fact, look at your profile at all because you cannot work in kentucky as an IT manager or pittsburgh as an accountant or boston as a goddamn dental surgeon. you drain all your batteries and find that the day is nearly over and you have nothing to show for it but eye strain.

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[blackguanabana]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5TH 2021.

(Writen on Saturday 6th @ 12:42 AM)

This is how my day went:

- Had a bad night. Anxiety & overthinking hasn't been letting me sleep properly.

- Woke up early with an awful pain around the left side of my neck after sleeping for a few hours in the worst position.

- Went to a doctor's appointment. everything was fine except my cholesterol. No surprise. That has been a problem since i was a kid.

- Went to another appointment to apply for a job (This is their role. Helping others finding jobs that are available and.

- I arrived with the papers my friend told me to hand out. They told me I didn't had every document so they couldn't do a thing other than give me a list of all the documents needed.

- Went to Walgreens and bought a few things I needed.

- Headed home.

As I was about to write ''I wasn't as productive today as I wanted to be'' I realize now how much I punish myself mentally for not doing certain tasks.

I literally just went out to a doctor's appointment, drove to get an orientation for a social work job, bought things I needed, did laundry and prepared + fixed a couple of thigns from some art notes I'll be doing soon.

In my head, being productive is being super busy. Doing a lot of things at once especially house work (since I'm unemployed still and I'm mostly at home cause I'm done with uni. And by ''I'm done with uni I mean that I graduated already).

Some of these punishment and judgement and spot that I put myself in also comes from the juding coming from my own mother.

If I don't do like 20 things around my house, I basically did nothing at all. In my own head I gotta be busy and doing this and doing that AND THEN I can call it ''productivity''.

That's not even what productivity is or what it means. Reading a book and journaling can be productive. But I look at my agenda and I don't see a huge list of things I have to do, I feel bad. It feels like I'm not oding a thing at all. When I actually am.

And the fact that I'm not that mentally stable (lol) at the moment, how I'm treating myself on the inside (with this whole productivity thing) just makes everyhting worse.

This is the second time I've noticed. Now I gotta work on this part of myself while working with my anxiety.

The good news is that, though they couldn't give any info about the social work job because my documents were incomplete (thank you Egna *eye rolls*), I heard they offered baking classes.

Which is what one of the things I wanted to do since I was a child? An early teenager? Idk, but it's a thing I wanted for many years. I had an uncle that baked and he was gonna teach me how to bake, but he passed away many years ago. And nothing happened after that.

I stopped thinking about it for years and I completely forgot about it when I had to decide what I wanted to do in university. In a time when I didn't know what the fuck to do with my life.

It came back and I'm excited that they have available two spaces for new members/students. So I gotta schedule that very quickly and find the rest of the documents that I needed.

I would like to earn extra cash this way so that I can pay for my professional wrestling classes. I've already mentioned that I'm not so sure about the social work job, but I gotta know what positions they'll have for me and what they'll do with me. Because they were asking for psychology students with bachelors degree. But on the other hand, you gotta have a license for that.

Anyways, we'll see what happens. At least with the baking stuff I can turn it into a small business or find a job at a café or bakery shop. Let's pray that these manifestations come true.

The most important thing at the moment ar emy professional wrestling tainings (that I haven't start yet lol caus eI'm broke atm) and baking classes come number 02 on that spot/list.

🌱 SONG OF THE DAY 🌱

HOLY TOLEDO! - GREEN DAY

[thewanderingace]

😩😩😩😩

Ignore me I need to vent

Made myself depressed again by thinking about my rapidly dwindling bank account, my current unemployment status, and the lack of job availability in my area.

I'm so tired and anxious about this. I fucking hate that I had the horribly timing of graduating with my masters literally right as covid hit which then destroyed the job field that I just got my degree in. Now the only listing I find are either for something I'm not qualified to do like finances or marketing or executive director or the position is only temporary or the position is volunteer only (that's been the most common. It's all volunteer only). Every other job I find that doesn't have anything to do with my field of study is awful. It's crap pay, customer service, awful hours, 3 hours away, shit job requirements, or all of the above.

The few jobs I have applied for I get nothing back or I get a "you're resume and qualifications look great! But we don't even want to bring you in for a meeting! Bye!".

WHY IS THIS SO HARD!!!

I keep being told that "no one wants to work! There's so many jobs available but no one wants to work anymore!" IF THERE'S SO MANY PLACES HIRING THEN WHY CAN'T I FIND A JOB!?

I'm very very lucky that my mom doesn't care that I'm completely broke, unemployed, and still living with her/off of her. Cause I'd be so fucked otherwise. But she's been 100% understanding about it all and supportive and I love her to death. And in exchange I take care of housework and stuff but I'm almost completely out of money and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to get some like side money off of my crocheting but that's so fucking hard. It's so hard.

I don't know what to do. I hate this. God bless my loving mother but I wish I could just find a stupid entry level part time job somewhere that isn't customer service/sales. Unfortunately that's all that is available right now and I swore to never go back as long as I could. I wont go back to that hell if I can avoid it.

My brain also isnt helping me. Between the introversion and social anxiety every job listing looks like hell and every potential interview makes me panic.

Why is this so hard. Why can't I jabe a normal brian and why cant I just find a way to make money. I dont even need a lot! Just let me start entry part time somewhere! God!

[luna-flow]

I've been looking for a job for the past year with very little luck. The outcomes have not been in my favor. I literally applied to something two days ago and got an immediate rejection fewer then 24 hours later. I have tried everything. The project I was working on is going to end this week so I'm back at square one. I'm saying all of this because I try to follow manifestation and believing that things will work out. But it seems like I'm being told more and more that I shouldn't work, at least not in this field. I'm trying to be as positive as possible but it gets to you. It's hard not to think you aren't good at what you do when you are constantly told no. It's to the point where I just want a job to pay bills and I can't even get that. I'm trying to be calm and go with the flow but....nothing good happens. It's just the same thing every day or just rejection.

(cont) I know that wasn't a question, so I guess I was curious about what you do in those instances. When you feel like the world is telling you no. That you don't deserve what you want. That you're not good at what you are passionate about. What steps do you take?

Hello and thank you for reaching out! It’s quite a coincidence because I’ve just started finding jobs and going for interviews as well. I literally hate job interviews and job hunting because it genuinely makes me so depressed and stressed out. Anything you’re feeling and experiencing right now is completely valid and understandable, especially when you’re still finding your way through for past year.

Back to your question, if I’m in your shoes I would do and think the following:

1. Never stop looking for jobs, continue to mass apply. Continuing is the most tiring part but job hunting is a test of perseverance and luck, I don’t believe we will be unemployed forever if we continue searching. Apply to all sorts of jobs and cast a wider net, this is especially important because paying bills is of top priority right now. Apply through all sorts of job portals and websites!

2. Reach out to friends and family and ask for any leads or help, referrals have higher chances of getting hired.

3. Getting told no constantly doesn’t mean we’re not good enough, it’s just being unsuitable for the job. Why force ourselves to be in a job whereby the companies already deemed us unsuitable?

4. Set a certain time period of job application, after that time period we should just put it at the back of our heads and take care of ourselves since it’s so stressful. Eg. Allocate 10am - 5pm to apply for jobs

5. Revise resume, short and sweet is the best. 1 page is concise enough since many hirers don’t have the patience to read long resumes.

6. Unless I really really want to work in that field, I will genuinely consider everyone’s opinions/advices and be open-minded to other fields. Sometimes it isn’t about the field but timing and priorities as well.

Hope this helps! All the best!! May you manifest that job ASAP!!

[dissirnulo-blog]

Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?

OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!

i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary

WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.

spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users

these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too

What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?

many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job

but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.

these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.

the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this

a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 

japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in

to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.

im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.

with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS

“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.

Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life

basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.

orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit

its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan

adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later

childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.

basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”

“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 

hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so

japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises

the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?

lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that

Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages

“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me

studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children

the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it

as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 

children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them

Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?

this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say

majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them

for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.

with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up

apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.

while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail

the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops

in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school

imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right

Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption

adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989

koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why

so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.

Japan’s Forgotten Children

it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.

this entire paragraph:

“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”

orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.

the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.

he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.

the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again

look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).

i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt

its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this

goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so

anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir

[kuriquinn]

Hey Kuri. I just need a little life advice. How did you find your call in Teaching? I'm kinda struggling right now trying to find what I want to do with my life. Im going back to college soon but the subject I'm studying isn't what I'm interested in. I've tried to love it but its been difficult. I often times feel like a disappointment to my family because my siblings are all doing great and I feel like a loser not getting there yet.

Strap in, there, Anon, this’ll be a long one…

If I’m being honest, my call isn’t teaching - it’s writing. Even now, though I have a Big Girl Job and everything, which pays my bills and keeps my fur babies in food and toys, I consider my writing to be my real job. Even if, at the moment, it’s just writing fanfiction.

The first piece of advice I would give you for anything in your future is to do something you love. That way it will never be a chore and you will stick with it longer than five minutes. 

Now, on the heel of that, the second piece of advice is: if you can’t pursue your passion, pursue something you don’t hate. And it might take you a while to figure out what that is. 

I graduated high school with pretty decent grades, went to a good college and did well there (Liberal Arts), and I applied to university hoping to major in Creative Writing and Minor in German Language. My outside logic was: it would help me get into a writing field like journalism or translation. Inwardly, I figured I was just taking university courses while I was busy writing my novel and that before graduating I would be published and famous and rich.

Yeah, eighteen-year-old me was a bit of a naive idiot. 

Cue life-experience:

My parents were kind of wary about the whole thing, they didn’t really believe I was doing a good thing, but it was my choice and they had to respect it. They knew what I didn’t, but would learn for myself. At the time I was also working in a bookstore, which while not my passion or anything, I actually enjoyed. Work never felt like work, and for minimum wage, that’s a good thing.

Flash forward to my first semester of university, in which I learned that a) my German skills were beyond what I could be taught at uni and I wouldn’t be able to take half of the courses I needed to fill my minor, so it was basically a waste of time to take and b) my Creative Writing classes basically centered around having a published author (and I use this term loosely to define a person who self-published one grungy, literary shock fiction and passed it off as literature) get up and talk about how to write. And not write actual good stories with decent plots and characters and such, but the gritty, sensory, detailed lyrical crap…and if you didn’t try to write exactly like that person, they flunked you.

So trying to follow my first passion didn’t exactly pan out. 

I ended up switching my degree completely, majoring in Classical Civilisation and minoring in History. I figured, I love history, and I love research, maybe a degree in this could help me get a job in museum studies or as a researcher or something. The next two years passed quite nicely…and though my part-time bookstore job fell through because of crappy managers, I started to tutor a lot more (and my brother was in his last years of high school at this point, and needed my help getting through his classes) and I realised that I was actually pretty good at breaking down information and explaining it in different ways. Plus, I already had a lot of experience with learning difficulties due to my brother.

So, one year before I graduated, I get the bright idea to become a teacher. I had enough credits to switch majors, but the problem was, my university only offered Early Childhood Education…and while I dearly love little kids, more than five or six of them below the age of ten would probably drive me insane. I figured teenagers would be more mature.

(*pause* *waits for riotous laughter from Those Who Know Better*)

Anyhow, I had to apply to a whole new university program just to get into a high school teaching program. And that was the most miserable two years of my life, because teacher education is the most useless piece of trash degree you can take. You know when you learn? When they stick you in a school as a student teacher. I didn’t learn one thing from my second university degree except that sometimes the only way to move on to the next stage of your life is to sit through the boring shit and get a stupid piece of paper saying you sat through the boring shit.

And THEN…

I didn’t even get a job for another two years. 

The thing people don’t tell you about university is that when you get out, there is almost no one hiring. The Baby Boomer generation is not retiring any time soon, the job market is flooded with so many newcomers that competition is fierce, and on top of that, your chances are reduces based on what field you go into. Science, Engineering, Computers, Medicine, Business and Law? Competition will be fierce, but you will definitely have a job at the end of your degree. Anything else? Unless you somehow become famous, every other job out there has a crappy percntage of hiring, and chances are you are going to have to get an average Joe job for a year or two before you actually get hired to do what you studied.

Me, I had one learning experience where I moved to England because there’s a huge demand for teachers (and learned why there’s a huge demand is because the school system there is complete shite), and then spent a year unemployed and basically acting as an unpaid domestic/caregiver because my mother was sick (I lived at home, though, so that’s why it worked out). I still tutored when I could, but I didn’t have as many clients as I had hoped for. Things were so bad at this point and I was so depressed I couldn’t even write…

I did finally get hired, but the way I did won’t make you feel better. I basically sent my resume to one of the schools where I did my field experience, telling them I was available for tutoring in the upcoming year. I got a call back (on my birthday) to see if I was interested in taking on an actual teaching job - they remembered me from my internship and remembered my brother (who once was a student there).

So I basically got the job because I knew someone.

And that’s the reality of it. You will not get a job (in certain fields, at least) unless you know someone. Networking and good interview skills are so important to getting hired these days, and your ability to be social (or fake being social) is key. 

Even now, I’m not exactly secure in my job. As a teacher in the private sector, I don’t even have a contract. I literally spend every August sitting by the phone biting my nails hoping that they’re going to call me back for the year.

But it’s a foot in the door. You always have to think about it that way.

Contrast this to my brother - he finished high school, took a trade (auto mechanics), and had a job within a year. He now makes and will continue to make more in a year than what I will in two. He had his forever job at 19; I didn’t find mine until I was 27.

Now, if you’re still with me and I didn’t bore you with my life’s story, here’s the take away:

1. Pursue your passion. If you can make a living from it, you’re one of the lucky few. Keep doing you, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Friends, family or loved ones, it doesn’t matter what they think.

2. If you can’t pursue your passion (full time, at least), do something that you don’t hate. Something that you are good at, a job where you can show up to and do your work happily and then go home at the end of the day and not stress about. Again, if anyone is telling you to do something you hate, DON’T. In five years, you’ll be burnt out, stressed and miserable. It is so not worth it. And if this is an Average Joe Job like working in a bookstore? Fine. Do that. It gives you more time to pursue your actual passions, and looks good on a resume.

3. Get a trade. Seriously, if you put off university for a year to get a trade, like real estate or mechanics or electrician or something, you not only give yourself the ability to be hired sooner, you can also support yourself throughout your academic career - and for those of you facing a future of student loans, this is so important!

4. If you pursue higher education, be prepared to change your mind A LOT before you graduate. You might find your are more interested or better at a certain subject that you thought, or a complete loss. There is nothing wrong with changing your major or minor until you find the right fit, just make sure you get all your General Education courses out of the way first so that you have that leeway.

5. After graduating, unless you’re in certain career fields, be prepared not to have a job right away. Get an Average Joe Job to keep you going, keep sending out CVs and going to interviews, and just hang in there - you will eventually get there, even if it takes you a little longer than your friends. And network! Make sure you keep in contact with people who might be able to help you in your career.

6. If you have the money and means, travel. Because chances are you won’t have the chance to do it once you join the rat-race.

7. MOST IMPORTANT: Do not let stress take over your life. You MUST find a way to balance your life while you worry about school/career stuff. Go out with your friends, travel when you can (even if it’s just a day trip to a museum!), write or paint or play music or build models or code or binge watch your tv show of choice, or whatever it is you do for fun - make sure you do it every day. Because your brain needs a way to unwind from the not so pleasant adulty stuff.

Anyhow, that’s the advice Twenty-Nine-Year-Old-Present-Me would give Nineteen-Year-Old-Me on the eve of starting university. I don’t know if she’d listen to all of it, but I wish someone had told me all that. Especially the parts about not getting a job right away. I thought I was a humongous failure because I couldn’t find work, when the reality was, I was just one of thousands of people seeking employment in an uncertain economic environment. 

So, on that note, I hope that you managed to find some comfort or guidance in these words. Remember, you are not a disappointment and everyone moves at their own pace. Maybe you’re having a slow year and your siblings aren’t. Maybe next year you’ll be the one who has exciting new opportunities and they are stuck in a rut. Our lives are very static and you never know what’s coming around the next bend. Just keep on keeping on.

And personally? If I was struggling to love my college program? I would take a very good look at whether it was really for me.

Thanks for the ask :)

[winds--of--change]

No.561

Me: If everything happens for a reason, tell me, what is this for? Been over 3 months unemployed now... am I that unemployable? Or should I be meant to go back to Vietnam now... TELL ME

Me2: Happy Birthday btw lol must be fun having such turbulence first few days of age 29. Hallelujah

Me: 30-crisis =_=

Me2: Hey I think things are just going the way YOU wanted it, that's why no job yet BECAUSE what you desire the most FIRST is a new house, your style back. And you got it! First.

Me: True. It feels so good having a private room again, not a narrow bunk bed shared with 12 girls. Man I was down to a cold just last week or before because when living with too many people in one single space, the cold just goes around. And the moment I moved to the new place, no more cold! And I feel super fresh and healthy, probably thanks to the natural park closed by and more greens in this area with so few people.

Me2: See. You wanted this first. And that is why you got a house and all your belongings back, having all clothes (btw you have LOADS! I can't believe it, even if you wear something new every single day you can't even finish wearing all in a month because you have more than, like, 40 outfits! WTF)

Me: I am girl. What do you expect! And I am so proud of my wardrobe, which is handpicked by me by the way. None of the clothes are what is left over of my mother's belongings like what happened in the past, let's say I finally have my own identity lol I am not Mom anymore.

Me2: Yeah right =.= good luck with wearing all of those at least once in a year lol or best of luck packing all again in case you are leaving lol

Me: I am not leaving Japan! I am staying in Tokyo.

Me2: Well yeah, you have only a month left....

Me: A whole month!!!! And everything could change everything could happen! And see, I just noticed 10:10 o'clock on Emily's computer and when I checked the hour meaning for it, it means I'm undeniably super lucky! And success in career and financial future would be at my door! See, it's a sign. I am gonna find a job in Tokyo, stay and achieve my saving goals!

Me2: Work hard for it then.

Me: I will!

Me2: For now you don't, that's why I am concerned.

Me: =.= yeah...

Me2: See! You are always so full of shits.

Me: Ouch! That fucking hurts! And you are RUDE.

Me2: Can't make you face reality if I don't do so.

Me: I know reality. Have some faith in me yo.

Me2: All the time.... and yet you still crawl back here asking for my help.

Me: I didn't ask for your help.... Just want some... chit chat LOL

Me2: the time of which you should spend on job hunting if you wanna stay in Tokyo that bad under only one month deadline.

Me: Hey everyone needs a break sometimes. And I need to know what I am doing wrong during this whole job hunting.

Me2: You don't have Japanese, not even confident in Japanese, lack of work experiences too, which clearly shows in interviews and...

Me: Stop.

Me2: I thought you said you know reality. YOUR reality, to be exact lol

Me: Common I must have something...that's employable!

Me2: Like... ?

Me: Hmm.... cute and fashionable!!!!

Me2: ... ... ... ... ... ...You serious????

Me: LOL sorry I need to make myself laugh away job hunting stress lol Common... don't be serious.... it's just a job. I will find something.

Me2: Hand claps for such..... optimism.

Me: Man.... I need a job, I truly have too much time to think lol

Me2: No kidding.

Me: But on the bright side! I am so free and so free yet I don't bother him again! Maybe Love's gone. Hmm...

Me2: You said you are still happy as fuck when he just sent you a message wishing you happy birthday. And hardly believe it if he really cares or remembers, it might just be Facebook notification so he ended up sending a message out of courtesy.

Me: And so do I, send him Thank You message out of courtesy, and nothing more! I didn't go overboard or whatever. Man I was even thinking (for a mili-second only) of asking him to hire me LOL GOSH I am glad I control my lameness =.=

Me2: Mannnn don't ever talk to me again if you ever do that. We are no longer even acquaintances, I would be ashamed to have an acquaintance like that.

Me: Hey! I didn't do it! I just had a thought for a very very short time!

Me2: Might as well prepare everything, including the possibility you are leaving Japan in August no?

Me:.... that's why I prepared ticket money in my bank account today. BUUUUUT just for worst case scenario that's why I did so, like to so I'm fully prepared for whatever ahead and ready for ...whatever. It doesn't mean I won't get something in Tokyo you know! As I said, the angel said I'm undeniably lucky! I will find a job and enter visa renewal process before my current visa expires. That's for sure.

Me2: You are not young anymore dear, 29 is something, that you should think of about... long term future.

Me: Like what, marriage and kids? Look I talked to Hakun today and she is thinking of divorce because her husband likes gambling. But she feels stuck because she cannot afford to rent a new house for herself and the kid.

Me2: You are saying you have no confidence whatsoever that you will find a GOOD husband?! And all men shall end up like that?! Because if you think of other's situation and don't marry because of that, I think it just means you are "making what you see into your reality" as well, so that you could have a chance to say "I knew it! Told ya. Men are just like that!!"

Me:.... true. Matter of consciousness and mindset again, which in turn shapes thoughts and actions and then, the very reality of one's own.

Me2: Duh!

Me: Anyway.... all I am trying to say is.... I belong to Japan. Vietnam is still my home too, whenever for visits. But I would like to live in Japan. I can't find myself fit back in Vietnam anymore, I HAVE CHOSEN THIS PATH, being international being more than just... a Vietnamese, a Goldsmiths follower, a Japan-lover. Now I am all of those and MORE. And Tokyo offers me to be who I am, who I have always wanted to be and NOW being.

Me2: ...

Me: Look I have changed a lot dear. Even when I was in England, in one of the most amazing cities in the world like London, and being in Goldsmiths I was still just a small girl, not confident with English, not even speaking it, lack everything, especially self-confidence and taste, wearing Mom's clothes and so on. Yet I learnt how to make self and I applied it the moment I set foot on Japan! And I have identified this self of mine all along since then. I HAVE BUILT UP EVERYTHING, even from minus dear, yet I come to zero, and now, a PLUS. Leaving is like, smashing the whole empire I built! You don't know how hard it is, being from someone who can't even speak well a mother tongue, to someone who now speaks THREE languages. You don't know, the price I paid, from being introvert, someone quiet by nature and plain, to someone with a style, with the ability to attract interesting people, get along more easily and make friends along the way! I HAVE PAINED MYSELF A LOT TO BUILD UP AN IDENTITY SUCH THAT, I look like someone travel a lot, have a lot of friends, doing cool stuffs, having cool friends and all, to be able to move socially upwards, to break away from the countryside girl who has no opinion, who "lives to eat" lol and, who, is, MOM. I was MOM 100% remember? And she didn't know who she is even till now! But I know who I am now. I MAKE WHO I AM NOW. Yes my professor was right that 'you can never get away from yourself', time after time I am still my mother, sometime even more, sometime even less. But you know what, you can never get away from yourself BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRANSFORM THAT SELF OF YOURS. And I did it!

Look dear, I AM NOT GIVING UP. Till the last day of my visa, everything could change! Miracles could happen! Like how I made it to who I am now! So I will continue on this path, on building who I want to be.

And I know I will be successful.