#most insane person in the world and it's like . i didnt choose this . i didnt choose to be crazy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rontra · 2 years ago

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So, I loved your Salem & Summer post but it does leave me questioning Hazel's narrative role, as how things went with him seem to go against the grain for much of it thematically.

okay okay okay before that, i'm panicking like a small rodent so i have to say first up that my post wasn't really made in the intent of like opening a wider discussion or anything (hence the several frantic disclaimers haha). as much as i love rwby analysis i'm also really insecure in sharing my thoughts publicly and i prefer to filter it through my art instead, to kinda Show you what im thinking instead, i guess?? and this is in the end an artblog so i don't want to put too many text posts in a row … so i was kind of like If someone tweets at me im just gonna ignore it.

but this ask intrigues me so much i can't help but come out and investigate, so consider it a cheat day i guess 😩

about hazel, i don't really...see anything about him that overtly contradicts my strange rambling notes. of course, this might be because he's not my primary field of study (lol) so ive been in bed just distilling him into another List Of Things to try and understand what you mean. to me, hazel is a guy who

Identified one of the core brutalities of the huntsman system, and

Had that realization corroborated by Salem, who did not lie to him (although she didn't divulge the entire truth either) before

The Oz Train derails him from this by pulling him back into the good brotherly remnant (4. and also death)

to me he's a bit similar to the summer rose concept, i think: he's not in this for the thrill of the kill or because he finds it pleasant to do salem's wetwork, he's here because he thinks it would be wrong to do anything else. that remnant as it is cannot stand. he doesn't typically indulge in needless violence, and he tries to go out of his way to protect the "little guy" when and if he can. he's the most restrained of salem's onscreen lieutenants, but just like her, he's willing to sacrifice whatever people need to go in order for the plan to move forward. he just hates seeing a kid get hurt most of all, because his teenage sister was killed in action before having the chance to even graduate.

You send children to their deaths for a cause that you know has no victory, no end. (8.6)

in no uncertain terms, he's identified a major issue with remnant in the huntsman system itself. he hates huntsmen and their academies. he knows remnant runs on hero blood and that ozpin has four factories spitting out cannon fodder. he knows the war can't be won, and he knows ozpin is sending people to die in it anyway. he knows this because salem, when she got to him, knew exactly what to tell him (she's unfortunately good at that); she filled him in on the important bits, demonstrated that she can't be killed and divulged that oz knows it too, and offered him the path to take revenge on the academy that murdered his sister. it's interesting that hazel has this to say about salem's motives:

We share a vision. She’s gonna create a new world order: no Kingdoms, and no Huntsmen Academies.

the destruction of ozma's remnant and construction of a new society is their "shared vision". i don't think salem painted the full picture for him (like, the stuff about the gods, and such), because she really didnt need to in order to convince him. this guy was ready right out of the gate to tear remnant apart for the thought of no one being dealt the same hand as gretchen ever again

(here's a funny aside—about gretchen, oscar posits that she "knew the risks" and made her own choice. oscar obviously has his own insane ozpin baggage given he is slated to "die" for him in a very different way as their personalities literally merge and the new combined oz overwrites him. extremely intriguing of him to say this. ozpin does this maneuver to get out of addressing my new band Raven And The Branwens, and also with Pyrrha, insisting that she must "choose" and he has to hear her decision out loud before he can bring himself to start the Soul Suckatron 4000 (machine that murders (literal), contained below machine that murders (figurative)). obviously those cases can Not be neatly chalked up to "she made a choice" either, and i don't think merely saying that and dusting his hands is the Move he thinks it is—although it certainly soothes his conscience)

(whether oscar suggesting nobody but gretchen made a choice here is just him being naive and 14 and raised by remnant, or if it's plain old ozpin bleedthrough, is up to interpretation imo. but it is. Interesting.)

(how do you make a choice like that when the people asking it of you are not divulging all the information? when you do not, in fact, know the stakes—because they are withheld from you on purpose?)

(...) Hazel denies that his twin sister's choice was ever hers to make. That the honeyed words of Ozpin, an immortal being long removed of the burdens of mere humanity, coaxed her to give up her life. (...)

How could an innocent and talented youth resist those seductive words? Talk of duty, untold glory, legendary exploits, and heroes of old? How was she to know that she was merely one little girl caught in a war between behemoths, immortals, GODS? (...) In the end, what did her sacrifice change in this wretched world? What difference did any Huntsman make in Remnant? What were a few drops of light in this ocean of black? (Amity Arena)

hazel saw the still-bloody bones remnant is built on on his own and said Hey what the fuck! and salem targeted him for her collection because he was Based. i have no idea what she told him and how much of it was true, but hazel was . right. about this stuff

like i said in my previous post (at least in the post nested inside it), characters tend to ascribe to salem whatever motivation fits their personal narrative and biases. but i have to say that compared to "salem wants to destroy the planet", this one is a lot more convincing; i don't think it's complete but it's closer, i guess, to my personal read on her actual feelings about remnant (as discussed in the other nerd posts). so maybe it's my own confirmation bias, hehe. whether it's the complete truth of her end-goal is unclear (since it seems doubtful that what she told him included things like "i am god's mistake") but i can at least very much believe they had a conversation about it where she was like Look Buddy , Shit Sucks ,

when confronted with this by hazel, ozpin does an immense ozpin maneuver: he says Actually have you heard the good word? and starts selling his own thing again—

"New world order". No. When Salem gets all four Relics, there will be no world left at all.

i touched on this in my previous post too but i do not believe ozpin when he says this. it does not feel true to me. this is Light's Guy doing Light's Guy Things and casting the Sole Evil out; she has to be unreasonable and driven only by death and destruction, and the people who know about her have to believe this, or else things begin to fall apart for him. if the redeemable remnant is destroyed, there is nothing else left for him or for humanity; there are no possible alternatives to him. the man is completely tangled up in his agonies and wearing horse blinders some deer guy put on him. it's my way or the highway, baby!

anyway, hazel doesn't believe him about this either, until an unrelated statement proves to be true, which convinces hazel to believe ozpin and oscar in general. but i HAVE to stress that nowhere was it said that THIS was actually true; hazel just is convinced to trust ozpin and oscar's word by an unrelated thing they said turning out to be true. he's being pulled back into ozma's remnant, and his ensuing mode of operation is explicitly described as

"WHAT GRETCHEN WOULD HAVE DONE."

he hasn't forgiven oz for what happened, but he's been convinced that salem's goals are too destructive, that she's going to end the world entirely. he commands oscar to ensure there be "no more Gretchens", but it's not like you can achieve that without taking down what oz built. none of this really changes the fact that she isn't One Girl who had an Unfortunate Tragic Accident: she was intended to be coke for the furnace just like every other huntsman, she just happened to die before getting in.

and now hazel is doing what she would have done: burning himself alive along with the witch.

(holy SHIT Witch is a good episode.)

one bonkers thing about hazel's self-sacrifice is that it would have done absolutely nothing. when oscar hangs back and jaune tries to prompt him to go, oscar refuses because

She'll just come after us.

to be clear: if oscar had not intervened by pulling the trigger on ozpin's stored-up Cane Energy, killing Monstra and Salem and Hazel (to shreds, you say??), this would have accomplished nothing. if a now-15-yo hadn't killed them both first, salem most likely would have dispatched hazel and resumed doing what she was doing before he cut in. hazel is pouring his blood into a futile fight against salem for no real gain just like every huntsman in history, and what oscar wrests from it is temporary relief; everybody knows salem will only be gone for a few hours at most, but at least they got away to lick their wounds and regroup. at least it's better than nothing.

but without that, it would have achieved nothing.

it's...what gretchen would have done.

i don't feel as though the story is exactly celebratory about this. it was a Big Damn Hero moment, but is that a good thing in rwby's eyes? his story is a tragedy and ends a tragedy.

i won't deny that the hours of respite it bought our heroes was invaluable, but again, hazel did not accomplish that alone (and does not have the Audience Perspective we do to gauge the full benefit). he just...didn't. if the little guys had just run as hazel intended, his death would have changed nothing at all.

those precious hours were important and mattered a lot to the overall plot, but were bought with blood. v8 didn't exactly end in a stunning victory either. we're still barely hanging in there, still on the brink, still feeding coke into the furnace to keep the lights on a little longer...

hmm...

well, anyway, summer and salem should kiss on the mou

#or maybe i'm totally wrong but either way this show is like a little puzzle box im turning in my hands <3

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lanaevyssmoved · 1 year ago

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17, 21, and 35 for afhiri? ♥

17. How easily would they be convinced to do something that goes against their morals?

if its coming from those they trust it would be incredibly easy. the average joe couldnt make afhiri do anything if they didnt want to. but if the squad did? oh boy the only thing that would stop them there is a counter argument from another one they trust. and then afhiri would blow up from the confliction so someones gotta make an option outweigh the other we gotta vote on this. 2 votes vs 1 ! opinion winner decided!

afhiri doesn't get a lot of good endings or good results during the events of the game because if a companion wants something that is actually bad morally or doesnt sound right.. gives them the eeby jeebies, afhiri will do it because they trust them, or let them do it despite how afhiri may personally feel. they are unfortunately loving to a fault and can't see that sometimes you need to tell a friend no in order to be the best friend to them. a ride or die, whatever makes you happy type of friend .......

so the answer is tldr very easily if afhiri has you on a pedestal, and thats literally every friend they have

21. What is more important to them, friends or family?

friends ARE family. afhiri didnt grow up with a single friend, their very friend friends were the very first companions they recruited!! and they became life long friends immediately! can't get rid of the clown, you fools! you let them in!!!!!

afhiri loves their actual family so much though, like, their parents and their 6 siblings are so, so important and mean the entire world to them. and their friends are on the exact same level. doesn't exactly sound healthy, but that's ok! (is it???)

if afhiri was made to choose between her family or her friends she would not understand the question. friends are family, family is not blood alone

35. Do they believe in fate or do they believe they are in charge of their own destiny?

ok this is the most insane question u can ask a gale shipper i hope u are aware of this. my boy literally talks about how he doesn't believe in fate but does believe in serendipity.

to assume afhiri understands these concepts innately is foolish, it would be expecting too much of her limit brain power and brain size. and wrinkle amount. anyway

gale is the one who educates them on the actual concepts of fate and destiny because these are things inherently tied to him, as a lil wizard man doomed to the narrative as chosen of the universes bitchest god

this is actually something i've been writing about in my 3 years post-game afhiri x gale fic, in which the two decide to take control of destiny and write their own in the stars by becoming immortal in order to never have to part, re: take the power of the gods to be eternal. they are the masters of their destiny and they will write it into the stars. etc etc.. very poetic and romantic its hard to express it in an ask like this because i wanna be silly and they are so unsilly in this decision. ... dfglkjdfgd

TLDR... they are so in charge of their own destiny they will defy the gods in the name of love

#ask #dameaylin #THANKS IM UNWELL NOW #astronaut meme always was #oc afhiri #she/they #afhiri/gale

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melissa-titanium · 2 years ago

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ive already decided all the weapons for the bkids but i am unsure if i should go for 5thgen ONLY for the specifics or just . EVERY MH GAME which would defintieyl expand my options a bit but theres like........ 500 MILLION Monstesr and therefore 500 M IL L IO N AR MOR SE TS and i wouldnt know whatto choose :(

but for the bkids weapons:

egbert: hammer. duh! don’t think i really need to explain this one, but shes the type to go utterly berserk once the monster’s been downed from a stun. has cleared the entire area of mizutsune, theyre all too afraid to fight her (hehe.. me) she lands a LOT of ko’s and is infinitely frustrated by the fact that you need to SHARPEN a HAMMER. WHO NEEDS TO SHARPEN A HAMMER??! ITS A HAMMER GOD DAMNIT

dave: longsword. again, duh! dont think i really need to explain this! anime loser boy, it feels appropriate. he’s the type to waste his gauge on helmbreaker in world and didnt learn till iceborne that theres more than one charge level on it. i haven’t played longsword much so i wouldn’t know a lot of the specifics but i think he would deliberately always go hit the head just to knock everyone else over cause hes a bitch like that :heart:

rose: this one is really tough, im stuck between dualblades, cb, and ig, but i think i have to go for db!

come on. shes totes a db user.

funnily enough she reminds me a lot of the stealth dango dualblades in rise ! i would say she’d use those but i have a feeling she would think they’re too silly.

again i havent played much of dualblades but i think she would be one of the More Sane dualblade players, she doesn’t roll down the backs of monsters that often and makes sure she gets the ACTUAL most damage out of an attack rather than doing whats cool (same thing with IG cause i know aerial attacks aren’t that powerful! atleast from what ive heard)

jade: lbg and hbg! but dabbles in other weapons (especially hunting horn) as well. she’s one of those insane motherfuckers that sets down an affinity booster and goes ham. decimates the monster in 10 seconds flat then carves like nothing happened. great to grind with, but when you’re really just trying to have fun i feel like she would end up going too fast

anddd for the alpha kids cause i just thought of them

jane: gunlance or greatsword! gunlance is known for poking and.. i guess that’s like forkkind? i LOOOVE gunlance and even though im not really good at it its very fun to play and it reminds me of jane :D AND GREATSWORD!!!!!!!!! it feels like almost every greatsword user (except me im not cool) is either SUPER DERANGED or SUPER CHILL or like... BOTH but not in themiddle. like a combination AND SHE TOTALLY FEELS LIKE IT. she would fucking KILL with strongarm stance in sunbreak she is the one person in the hunt to land SO MANY KO’S AND PARTBREAKS that it honestly becomes concerning. takes a long time to charge up (she thinks focus is an un necessary skill) but its always worth the wait!

dirk: again with the anime longsword boy. except he’s like..really good atit unlike dave. hes pretty humble about it for the most part but GOD FUCKING FORBID he knocks anyone over (which he does) (alot) . he never says anything but anytime theyre all grinding for decor he is telepathically urging them all to get flinch free just so he wont screw up their attacks. his favorite monster is scorned magnamalo and i should kill him for that but i wont. im nice

jake: hmm hes a toughie! i’m stuck between lance and sns (bowguns go without saying duh) lance is totally a Page weapon but sns is a Jake weapon...... maybe he switches between the two who knows! he tends to over-judge a monsters attack and block too early or too late half of the time and is a corner healer (i think thats the term. the people that huddle off into the corner to heal from an attack while everyone else is in the middle of the battle) but he means well! he does a pretty decent amount of damage but most of his skills are health/defense oriented and he DEFINITELY has earplugs.

Roxy: SWAXE, INSECT GLAIVE OR LIGHT BOWGUN. she hasd so many fucking mods i think either her pc blew up 3 times or she got banned from multiplayer even tho im p sure mods r allowed in multi . shes specil. she totally got introduced to the series via stories 2 and is the MOST into it out of everyone else on this list. she probably knows how to hunt in every single weapon but just so she isnt flexing she only plays swaxe and ig most of the time.......... she is SUUUPER fun to hunt with

#homestuck #mel roars

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magnoliamyrrh · 1 year ago

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also sorry to say the same thing endlessly but i see it so often so ugh. part of the big reason why pro prostitution discourse drives me absolutely insane is bc people today act so immensely offended abt slavery and want to blame like. every single individual in the past for it and act like everyone who didnt personally do something abt it is a piece of shit (while also forgetting that slavery is one of the worlds oldest institutions and has been practiced throughout history almost everywhere on this planet by almost everyone)

but then you apply this to prostitution today and it goes out the window. forced prostitution which is internationally one of the biggest slave trades - sex trafficking is the fastest undergrownd criminality and it is one of the most profitable if not the most. it is i would say one of the most brutal forms of slavery because it involved children and teenage girls in a very large part, and it is frankly brutal as it involves being raped 10+ times a day. id choose being a household slave or a musician slave or a worker any day. sex trafficking victims today and the worst off street prostitutes (with 0 chance of ever getting out) frankly live in worst conditions that many slaves saw around the world

obviously not every single person who doesnt spend their lives trying to do something about it is personally responsable and a piece of shit, this is ridiculous. but people today are very much using plenty of the endless justifications which were and are used for slavery and acting like abolitionists are insane. well you see some slaves sold themselves into it. well you see some slaves actually rose up in rank and accumulated wealth and bought their freedom. well you see some liked it. well you see some ended up rich and curling kindoms. well you see -

well you see that still doenst justify it. the complexity of slavery and the fact that it wasnt always brutal or that for some it "worked out" doesnt justify it. because the price payed by all those who suffered absolutely horribly is not justified.

.. . .... today there are more slaves internationally THAN EVER IN HUMAN HISTORY. EVER. slavery is arguably more brutal than it has ever been because it is no longer regulated as much and concepts of housing feeding taking care of and respecting your slave dont exist. a slave today will not rise up in a semi-flexible system to become king. slaves today are cheaper than ever and thus more dispensable and vulnerable than ever. a very high amount of the food we eat the clothes we use and the things we use are made with slave labour. today

if you arent personally doing something about slavery or sex slavery today then every single person of the past isnt personally responsable and guilty either. but stop doing fucking moral outrage over the past without looking at today

and at the very least stop fucking doing justification for it. we still need abolitionsts TODAY. we need abolitionists for the slavery in the prison system wr need abolitionsts for the slavery happening internationally and we need abolitionists for sexual slavery

the arguments made for pro-prostitution which ignore the sheer amount of horroe and how it fules sex trafficking arent that difference. some sell themselves into it for some it works out etc etc. are you that differnt from the people of the past? why do you refuse to look at the horror and at least condemn it?

and for fucks sake. how dare you act like youre so morally superior and different from anyone in the past when you not only live in a global society directly bennefiting from slavery, but want to act like abolitionists are crazy?

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spikeinthepunch · 2 years ago

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thinking of askbadlydrawnzisteau or any of the other blogs then bring me back to the concept of askblogs as a whole, and its something i think most tumblr users who joined 2016-2017 will never understand how much it played a part in many fandoms. they still exist, dont get me wrong. but there was a boom of them, and its never come back like that.

undeniably, the Onceler fandom really really started that boom. it was a fandom i was in, and with the hundreds of Oncelers out there, every one of them was making an askblog. it was insane if you weren't deep in it. i followed many of them even through their deoncelerization. askblogs stayed a thing across many fandoms during and after that period for some time. I still attempted them a few times later with @askhartley in 2017 and @ask-turboko in 2018, and its funny to say they were my first and only attempts at a serious ask blog, many years after my time in the Onceler fandom (this was due to not having the art resources to run one back then).

with both my Casey and TKO blogs, i was really trying to utilize what askblogs are so uniqe for. If you didnt follow some you wouldnt know- but askblogs were sometimes akin to webcomics. Some of those Onceler ones i followed had interesting stories that were directed by asks, and interactions from other blogs. It was all roleplay though, interactions were really not planned. With anon/user asks, it was almost like some kind of Choose Your Own Adventure. And its a form of storytelling that is SO impossible to achieve anywhere else! Because characters are literally getting advice from behind the fourth wall.

Asking the character "what do you think about person A?" "why did you do this?" "you know, what you did to person A was horrible..." theyre things that prod the main character in ways you just don't have happen in a TV show, movie, book, etc. Its not just the insight to a character's thoughts, because in an ask blog the users asking questions are their own role in the blog.

Overall askblogs just ignore the expected rules-- outside of the communication, people as askers would just... give blogs things. In asks, getting the *gives you Thing*. And let's not forget "Magic Anons" or M!As, where the character would be forced to following whatever it was. It could be totally silly- "M!A you're a catboy for the next 6 asks". But it was also an interesting literary device- "M!A you can't be nice to Person A for the next 24 hours". How often can you tell a story where people butt into it in ways you can't exactly control? Askers could push more trauma onto characters by being mean, or they could support them by being nice. They could turn their world upside down by communicating between blogs "I saw that Person B said this about you". Whatever it could possibly be!! You can't get it anywhere else.

I ache for a way to do this again, but as a platform Tumblr does make it easy- not only because it is already set up to send asks, but also because it makes it easy to grow a following, more so for the fandom ones. I think we gotta look more at askblogs more in what they are capable of doing when it comes to storytelling though- as I have read some of the most interesting stories unfold, and I absolutely love all the possibilities that can arise with them.

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jegulily-stuff · 1 year ago

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WARNING: long as fuck

for me:

Starts with jegulus, except it starts out with Regulus being very very emotionally invested in James because he hates him.

James stole Sirius. It's James' fault their parents are never happy. And on top of that James pays him no attention at all. There's always a danger of fancying him, when Regulus first heard about James through Sirius everything about him was positive, even if Reg was mostly jealous. And it definitely becomes a crush as he gets older: it's hard to be obsessed with someone who's your type in every way without fancying them.

As i said James initially doesnt notice him, at least outside of quidditch, but eventually, around the time Sirius leaves home, James starts checking up on him on Sirius' behalf. Reg is not receptive to that but it gets James' attention on him and after a particularly attractive display of flying skill that becomes a crush on his end too.

They get together mostly by accident when James is trying to have another check up/intervention. But they never have a proper conversation about politics. James struggles with seeing the world as pretty black and white, so him seeing that Regulus isnt ~evil~ makes him too willing to ignore his politics because he thinks maybe he's rescuing a purely good person from evil manipulation and lets it go too much. Regulus avoids the topic because he knows they'll break up over it. I dont imagine he thinks he can convert James.

Jily are becoming friends in the background of this. Post friendship end with Snape, Lily can see that James isnt just throwing his power around for fun and he genuinely thinks he's a hero fighting evil. He's not as wrong as she thought he was but he still lacks a nuanced perspective. She also lacked perspective though, seeing herself and Snape at the same end of the class spectrum compared to say, James and Avery, and seeing that as the most important social struggle and thus ignoring the xenophobia and racial supremacy going around.

Jegulus get way too involved way too fast, James is ready to marry him, Regulus is not keeping the distance he intended to, instead James is the centre of his happiness which is bad because thats supposed to be his family. Regulus unexpectedly (from James perspective but definitely not his) breaks up with James because he knows his duties to his family and community conflict with their relationship and James' values. He doesnt want to be broken up with so he does it himself that way he can act like he had control over it and feel like a good person for choosing to give up something important to him for his family and 'the greater good'. They are very much still in love but James has to realise he didnt have a great grasp of who Reg was as a person. Either way James is very upset and wasnt expecting it.

Without being stuck with an obligation of loyalty to Snape Lily gets to admit to herself she likes James. Theyre friends with insane romantic tension for a while and Lily keeps expecting him to make a move but he doesnt, partly because of his recent breakup and partly because she refused him last time and he doesnt want to ruin the friendship by pushing the question again. In the end she asks him and he agrees but wants to go a bit slower and calmer so he can do it right this time (whether this works or not is up to you).

Then either I'd have a regulily acquaintanceship to friendship building in the background. Bonding at slugclub or over sibling issues which could bring reg back into the fold and you have canon divergence there. Or I'd leave it at that for a bit with jily together and have there be a gap where Reg sorts himself out before he comes back into their lives (later canon divergence) and you get jegulily then.

everyone quick!!

how do you think jegulily got together??? which pair (if any) got together first??? who did the asking?? how did they ask?? was it all planned out did it happen spontaneously???

#i have so many thoughtsbut here are a few #i dont like cheating to avoid regs necessary character development #jegulily #txt post

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thekingofwinterblog · 4 years ago

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It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do.

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child.

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another.

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15.

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings.

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

#my hero academia #touya todoroki #dabi #endeavor #endeavour #enji todoroki #rei todoroki #character study #301 #meta

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alyasgf · 4 years ago

Text

Adrien’s Admirer- Adrinette April Day 6 -Anime!

Summary- Adrien Agreste has a secret admirer and its none other than Marinette Dupain Cheng.

Word Count

1650

Excerpt

Realizing how insane it’d look to carry all of these presents to Adrien at once and that all of them being from her might be weird, an idea struck.

“What if I hid them around for him to find from a secret admirer!” Marinette proposed excitedly. “It’d be perfect! I’d be able to see his adorable reactions without feeling embarrassed!”

AO3

The pedestal Marinette had put Adrien on in her younger years had been far too high. It seemed the more time she spent with him the dorkier and more human he became. First it had been the puns, then his concerningly large ladybug merchandise collection that he was extremely fond of, and now he’s a huge anime fan.

Marinette hadn’t meant to find his anime dvd collection. He had asked her to choose a movie while he grabbed snacks since they finished studying early enough that Nathalie had yet to come to kick her out. She had already gone through a few shelves when she found one that seemed to be hidden in a corner. As she looked closer she noticed the entire shelf was filled with volumes of anime, and the shelf beside it manga.

She couldn’t imagine why it was hidden. Was he ashamed? Adrien had been sheltered most his life and the way he acted, well Marinette was surprised she hadn’t realized sooner. Half his lines felt as though they were picked straight from an anime.

As she heard him approach the door she chose a random horror movie and went to sit down. This gave her a perfect idea.

As Adrien went to a closet collected blankets to sit on, Marinette began brainstorming for the perfect birthday present to incorporate her latest discovery.

————————————————————

By the time September 3 rolled around Marinette was slightly worried she’d gone too far this time. At first, she decided to just design a sweater with a few of the animes she remembered seeing in his collection. But she saw the cutest My Hero Academia beanie while at the shops and just had to remake it. Then came socks, pjs, and a ladybug mug she she happened to pass by.

But any friend would go out of their way to cater to a friends interests right?

“Absolutely not, Marinette.”

“Well thanks Alya.” Marinette huffed while packaging all of the gifts in her room the night before.

“Girl, I think its about time you told him! Its been years and not just anyone spends upwards of 40 hours working on gifts for a ‘friends’ niche interest.” Alya cooed at her from atop of her bed.

“Are you crazy? I just gained enough confidence to be his friend, confessing my love to him is a whole other level I can’t even begin to be ready for!” Realizing how insane it’d look to carry all of these presents to Adrien at once and that all of them being from her might be weird, an idea struck.

“What if I hid them around for him to find from a secret admirer!” Marinette proposed excitedly. “It’d be perfect! I’d be able to see his adorable reactions without feeling embarrassed!”

Alya sighed. “I guess it’s better than you panicking and never giving them to him.” She replied dejectedly.

“Thats the spirit.” Marinette said, taping the last perfectly wrapped gift and joining her friend on the bed. “Now since you’re here you’re obligated to help me plan this.”

“I’m not the one with his schedule memorized.” Alya complained, groaning. “What help am I?”

“Moral support!”

———————————————————

Adrien woke up the next morning to his usual. A lonely breakfast and a report of his schedule from Nathalie. He almost could have been fooled into thinking it was any other day.

“Your father sends his wishes Adrien.” Nathalie said as she walked out of the room.

One thing he could be excited by was school. There there’d hugs and birthday wishes and maybe even a sweet snack from a certain blue eyed girl.

————————

As expected, as he steeped out of the sleek black car (after receiving a small Ladybug action figure from the gorilla) he was practically toppled by Nino.

“Happy birthday bro!” He exclaimed, hugging him tightly.

Adrien smiled fondly at the boy. “Thanks Nino.” He said with a chuckle.

“Hopefully your old man will let me come over after school and I can give you your present then?.” Nino questioned hopeful.

“Sorry, I have fencing after school.” Adrien sighed.

“Can’t you just skip? It is your birthday after all.” Nino whined.

“You know how he is. The world could be ending but as long as I’m on time for my appointments he won’t care.” Adrien replied, walking along with Nino towards the front of the school.

As he approached he saw Alya and Marinette camping out by the entrance.

Once they were in hearing distance Adrien said, “Good news is he allowed me to spend lunch outside the house! I figured we could all spend it at the park.”

Marinette squealed excitedly as she ran to hug him, nearly squishing the pastry box she held in the process.

“What she means by that is happy birthday.” Alya laughed while she waited her turn to hug him.

“Happy birthday Adrien!” Marinette said with a slight blush as she handed him the box.

Inside was what looked to be 5 handmade passion fruit macarons, same as she had given him for the last 2 years. It still managed to warm his heart.

“Thanks guys.” He said hugging Alya and mouthing a thank you to Marinette. “If you have anything for me wait until lunch so it can almost be a real party?”

Everyone nodded in response. “Just us?” Nino asked.

“Preferably.” Adrien said sheepishly.

They all walked together to the lockers, chatting comfortably. Marinette seems a little anxious, for what reason Adrien couldn’t say.

He opened his locker and a small black box tumbled out. He caught it and looked at Nino questioningly.

“Wasn’t me.” He said shrugging. “Looks like a note fell out though.” He picked it up from the floor and handed it to Adrien.

“Happy birthday! Thank you for being a ray of sunshine for everyone.” Adrien read aloud smiling fondly. “It’s not signed?”

“Someone as a secret admirer.” Nino teased. “Now hurry up and open it I’m intrigued!”

“Okay okay.” Adrien said, his smile growing as he saw the contents. Inside was a sweater decorated with a Parasyte theme.

“I didn’t know you liked anime.” Nino said curiously.

“Eh never came up.” Adrien replied. He pulled the jacket over his head and looked down at it. Looking at it now he made a discovery. The jacket looked custom, and he only knew one person capable of such a feat.

“Nino I think Marinette made this!” Adrien exclaimed in a hushed tone. “Why wouldn’t she sign?”

“Maybe she wanted it to be anonymous?” Nino closed his locker and started heading to class.

“Should I tell her I know?” Adrien asked, following close behind.

“Nah she clearly wanted it to be secret, just keep it that way.”

—————-

Marinette was still giddy from that morning. The way Adriens eyes lit up when she handed him the pastry box was only matched by the smile that spread across his face when he pulled the present from his locker.

She decided to give the ladybug mug to him in person, figuring giving him an anime present may give away the identity of his secret admirer.

As she sat behind him in class she couldn’t help but sigh at how nicely the sweater fit him. She could definitely get used to seeing him in her designs.

Suddenly she felt a strong elbow in her side.

“Marinette!” Alya whispered aggressively. “Mademoiselle Bustier has called your name twice already!”

“Here!” Marinette blurted out immediately.

“Yes I’m aware you’re here Marinette. I asked if you could read the next section.”

She heard a small chuckle from Adrien and sheepishly decided to focus on how the jacket fit him another time.

—————————

Marinette had ran into a slight problem after lunch. She had already given Adrien his mug (he squealed in delight when he received it), left the beanie in his locker after lunch (he immediately shoved it on and hadn’t taken it off yet) and planned to hide the socks in his fencing bag after school, but she still had yet to give him the phs.

She ran over his schedule about a thousand times throughout the day and could think of no other opportunity that wouldn’t give away her identity as his secret admirer.

“Isn’t there any way you could leave it at his house?” Alya suggested.

“No his dad’s assistant might say something. I just don’t wanna risk it!” Marinette whined.

Then an idea struck.

“Actually Alya I just remembered something in his schedule that leaves a perfect time.” She fibbed.

——————

Adrien was on cloud nine. All of Marinette’s gifts were perfect. You could tell she put thought into them. She even left little notes with each one.

The beanie came with a note that said ‘Thank you for being the such an amazing friend’ and the socks he received during fencing came with a note that read ‘your smile brightens up my world.’ What a nice thing to say to a friend.

As he went up to his room after an extremely exciting day he opened his door to see a flash of red leave through his open window. He could recognize the sound of that string anywhere.

Ladybug had just been in his room!

He looked around to see if anything was different. On his bed he saw a perfectly wrapped gift. It was wrapped in lavender paper with a pink ribbon.

On top was a note. ‘My heart is forever yours’

Adrien’s heart stopped.

That’s Marinette’s handwriting. Marinette’s decorative paper. Marinette’s methodically wrapped gift.

Still in shock he opened it and it confirmed his suspicions. Inside were Death Note pjs.

Marinette had been anonymously giving him anime gifts all day.

Marinette was Ladybug. Ladybug was his secret admirer.

————————————

As they were leaping across building that evening Chat could tell Ladybug was in a good mood.

“Thanks for the gifts today, Marinette.” The blonde hero mentioned casually.

Ladybug effectively face planted into the ground.

Notes

A little late to the party but here nonetheless.

Also I didnt reread this before posting so if you see any mistakes,,, no you didnt :)

@adrinetteapril

#adrinette april #adrien x marinette fanfic #adrinette fanfic #adrien agreste #ml marinette #mlb marinette #adrien and marinette #marinette cheng #miraculous fic #miraculous fanfic #miraculous adrien #miraculous ladybug #miraculous lb #miraculous fanworks #ao3 fic #love square #love square fic

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dindooku · 4 years ago

Text

As a young student studying Criminology, Gotham was the perfect place to study the thoery of crime. But, that didnt come without it’s own risks. Without your intention, your life becomes intertwined with another’s; a life you had so vehemently tried to repress - and now it was within your grasp; the opportunity held upon a golden pedestal, just waiting for you to take it. In your own desperation to fend off the demons tormenting your soul, can you overcome the very thing your swore against? Or will you succumb to the darkness? When had being bad ever felt so good?

Rating: M/E (swearing, triggers, panic attack (not explicitly said) - alcohol abuse (OC isn’t an addict but doesn’t display healthy relationships with alcohol) - please read the tags. this fic is going to be very dark and twisted so please be warned in regards to further chapters

word count: ~5k

You needed this.

By fucking god you needed this.

You could blame it on your studies, your recent move to Gotham city to study your Masters in Criminology; the perfect setting really. And you could blame it on your stressful move; the house that you're renting not being anything like the photos you viewed online - the water-damaged walls and the odd-looking array of bullet holes in the front room, and maybe even the questionable red stain spotting along the cream-turned-brown carpet towards the bathroom.

But most of all it was this.

Moving to Gotham was the worst-best thing you have ever done. It'd do leaps and bounds for your research and personal evolution, but it was also becoming more and more apparent by the day as to why the little flat you lived in was so cheap; having an address with anything to do with Hell on it was probably a good indication.

Flat 221B, 36th, Hell's Kitchen, Gotham.

Yeah. That's why you fucking needed this.

It was an absolute shithole. You'd only been here for a week and you had experienced more crime than you had been privy to when studying at home. It was a catch 22, move to the most dangerous city you can think of and get 1-1 experience in crime, collecting data for your dissertation; or stay at home, go to a safe city and become some pansy police officer who refused to get their hands dirty.

You were always one for taking risks.

So, as you downed your last home-made margarita and stuffed your bits and pieces into your shoulder bag, you were off out the door.

Tonight was a field day; an excuse to go out and get absolutely trollied all in the name of science. It was just getting late, the sun had set a few hours ago and the Gotham nightlife brought the streets to life; ironically, considering the insanely high murder rates. Some would call you mad, a single, young, attractive woman walking unfamiliar streets at this time of night, in Gotham. And you supposed you were. See, the only reason you were studying crime was out of pure fascination. Fascination, yes. The theory of it, really - how the human mind comprehended such decisions and why you lived in such a society - who branded these rules? Desperation was a word you liked to play with. Its meaning subjective depending on your own reality, really. You had always seen the world differently... criminals weren't inherently bad people to you, they were just often misunderstood, brandished, acting out of desperation at someone else's greed. Obviously, you had the complete and utter fucking mentalists, but even then you could find an argument in their favour - like the Joker; he was misunderstood, torn and thrown around like a rag doll until he made a stand, a particularly violent one, but a stand nonetheless; a stand out of desperation to be heard, to be understood. And deep down you resonated with his actions, being driven to the extremes to be listened to.

You knew exactly how he felt. You had the scars to prove it.

Enough on that, though; you're here for a good time, right? Right. You're going out to forget about the stingy shithole you'll be returning to once the night bleeds into morning, to forget about the mountain of case studies you've yet to work through. It was all a bit overwhelming; thus solidifying your burning need to procrastinate and forget about it all, and what better way to do it than get black-out drunk in a bar you've never been to before?

You weren't an alcoholic by any means, you didn't rely on the sweet burn to see you through the days, but that didn't mean you couldn't revel in the double-ended spear of its toxicity - drinking so much to forget, but its effects only temporary. You were a student, after all, you had to live up to the stereotype?

You scoffed at the thought, murmuring out loud, "Fucking hell." Ok maybe you needed to slow down a little bit... you put the hipflask back in its pouch whilst you continued to walk to your third bar of the night.

You were on a pub crawl of sorts, embarking on your own little quest to scout out the best club in town for further investigation. You were just balancing on that fuzzy tightrope between bliss and blindness, the perfect haze to blur out the dangers of the night and warm your skin despite the bitter cold. You were in your own little world it seemed, and as a bright neon sign for a secluded back alley club came into view, you knew you had to investigate.

"Card." Came the burly voice in front of you. You had to crane your neck up to meet their eyeline, trying your best to pull a serious face and not laugh at the imaginary comedy sketch playing out in your mind.

"Card, you mean ID?" You ask, one eyebrow furrowing in question. You had all the relevant stuff, and deep down you'd be offended if they didn't ask, you'd only just turned 21, a few months ago in fact.

"No, Entry Card, VIP." He reiterates, crossing his hands in front of his chest. You scoff at the idea that a place like this required VIP cards to get in. 'Really? They'd have to pay me to not go in, ha' you humour to yourself, finding the joke a little too funny in your drunken state.

"What's so funny?" The man asks again, a bit more aggressively this time, like he knew you were mocking him in your head. And you were. You knew you shouldn't push your luck, his size easily outmatching yours. But fuck it.

"Nothin sweetheart, just surprised 'tis all," You tease, rolling your eyes as you put your ID away and prepare to leave the queue.

The bouncer can't help himself, "Surprised?"

"Mmm, yes, surprised, or disappointed? You choose." You smirk as you turn away, hips swaying in a drunken swagger that you would never normally possess. Something about you tonight just screamed fucking goddess - and 'don't fuck with me else it will be the last thing you do' - you didn't know why; you were in no state to start a bar fight and win. Maybe it was the tight, black faux leather flares and wrap around corset that filled you with a placebo pill of confidence; but by god did you have a stunning poker face, one that seemed to have caught the eyes of someone other than the bouncer you were antagonising.

A whistle stopped you in your tracks.

You stood on the edge of the pavement, back to the club, your hair flowing slightly in the wind. You tilted your head slightly towards the sound, your minimal movement the only sign of your acknowledgement. You really hated catcallers. It was one of the few things that would really wind you up, your short and temperate anger fizzing and popping under the surface.

"Let her in." Came a new voice. You turned around, eyes landing on an unfamiliar face. He was a tall guy, with an ice-white buzzcut and a sculpted face sporting scars; new and old - his brows knit into a harsh line and his piercing gaze instructing you with just his silent intention. You decide to play along, smirking back at him as you turn and saunter your way back to the entryway. As you walk past the bouncer you position yourself against him, slighting a faint touch of your body to his, sure to leave a whisper of your perfume lingering in the air as a sort of poisonous parting gift - a nicely packaged fuck you.

Your pupils instantly dilated to the sight laid before you. Ok, you take it back. This was no dingey club. Your skin was coated in an inciting shade of red; the coloured theme of the club. It was stimulating, the atmosphere - reigniting that previous cockiness you had been secretly harbouring through the night and twisting it into something still unfamiliar to you, the inner thrumming residing behind your naval indistinguishable from the music reverberating around the club.

The man who had whistled at you had disappeared, so you took this as your opportunity to grab a couple more drinks, to scout the club, of course...

You sauntered over to the bar and after a moment of getting yourself comfortable on the stool, locked eyes with the bartender. They didn't hold the same ferocity as the man before, and you felt your outer guard falling slightly at the soft tones lacing their eyes, their general aura giving off nothing inherently dangerous. They walk over, one hand wiping away at a newly washed pint glass with a rag.

"What can I get you?" They ask politely. They seemed young, too young in fact to be working behind the bar, but now wasn't the time for serious investigating - you highly doubted he was underage, just in fact sporting an inherent babyface. You smile sweetly back at the bartender as you purr your reply, "Whiskey on the rocks, please."

"Oh? Honey that's strong?" He questions, an eyebrow furrowing at your request. You giggle at his innocence.

"Mhm, make it a double." You smirk, and he only reciprocated, pouring a double and a little extra.

"You're new 'round here, aren't you?" He states as he passes over your drink, and you nod as you take a sip, soon following up with a further reply, "That obvious?"

"No, I just would've remembered a pretty face like yours if you'd been here before." He flirts, leaning down onto the bar, elbows sitting comfortably on the dark mahogany surface - it was a tactical move, you knew it, he was getting closer to you by the minute and you noticed his blatant interest the moment he locked eyes with you. You'd play along for a little while, it was good practice anyway, investigating.

You smile before replying, a brief pause between sips to sell your contemplation, "I can tell you're not one for wasting time..." You pause, implying silently for his name.

"Alex." He smirks, holding his hand out to you. You shake it, surprised by the dexterity. But as you thought things were going well, he pulls away sharply, his gaze dropping from you as he scurries back to the other side of the bar nervously. Your face scrunches in confusion, wondering exactly what you'd done wrong.

A firm hand around your waist answers your question.

The presence of another behind you makes you tense momentarily, their forward nature catching you off guard. A hand swirls around the small of your back, stopping at the natural curve of your waist, their palm sitting comfortably in the dip as their fingers latched into your exposed skin. The grip is tight, possessive - possessive for someone you didn't even know the face of. Your nervousness quickly turns into a tizzy, frustrated at the being behind you and their audacity to hold you so. You twist, turning your head to meet the side of their face, eyes rough with your bubbling anger.

The sharp-edged, stubbly profile of a man greets you, a little too close for comfort.

"Alex, two of whatever she's ordered on me, 'kay?" The man says. You roll your eyes at his cockiness, picking up your whiskey glass and downing the rest of the hot honey, burning your throat in the process - but you invited the pain, it's scorch momentarily masking the uninvited heat that was building elsewhere.

"I can order my own drinks, thank you." You scoff, sliding off of the barstool and away from his grasp, picking up your bag so that you can leave.

The man scoffs, using one hand to bring the red-tinted shades sitting on his nose sliding down, tilting his head to give you a better look. You turn and face him at the wrong time it seems, interrupting his very blatant scan of your form. You scoff at his actions, turning harshly to go, muttering to him as you walk past him and towards the exit, "In your fucking dreams."

Yeah - you tell him, girl. Too fucking right, that's what he gets for...that. Maybe you were overreacting, but the way your skin heated like wildfire at his unexpected touch, the way the previously dormant thrumming deep within your stomach tinged with a spark of something you hadn't felt in a long time, a feeling that was unfortunately not one of pleasure to you - you panicked. You'd never reacted like this, but something about his presence was just dominating your senses and you had to get away, to clear your head; maybe it was the alcohol, you didn't know - you didn't care, you just wanted fresh air and five minutes to get whatever the fuck has come over you out of your system.

"I see manners are not your chosen language," The man jokes, but he doesn't bother hiding the icy bitter frustration at your rejection. But you carry on, moving away from his ensuing footsteps.

"Neither are they yours," You retort, turning the corner towards the back exit. But you don't make it to the back exit. The scarred man from before moves from the shadows and grips your upper arm, swivelling you in one motion to face your incessant assailant. You don't give him the privilege of your attention, instead choosing to stare wide-eyed at the ground. Your bubbling anger evolves into something more pertinent, more feral, "What the fuck is it with you guys?" You spit, trying your best to yank your arm free. It was no good, every time you moved his grip on you tightened.

"That's no way to speak to a kind gentleman, is it darling?" The stubble-haired man chides, waving a hand in a dramatic swish as he talks.

"You and gentlemen is a bit of a reach, don't you think? And kind too, don't flatter yourself sweetheart -- hey! Let me go!" You scorn, yanking away harder. Your heart was starting to race now, the phantom ghost of familiar brutish hands that had hurt you before were blurring with your present reality. You couldn't go through that again, no. You'd moved away for a reason, even if it were disguised by your University Degree, the real reason was to get away from him.

Your change in body language seemed to shock both men, and soon the bearded man orders the other to let you go.

"Zsasz, let her go." He says sternly. As soon as his grip is off of you, you practically run to the bathroom, locking yourself in the stall. You close your eyes. You were trying so, so hard to help yourself, but it was just not to be. The last 12 months come crashing down on you, and you were helpless against the murderous gravity of it all. Your panic quickly turned into terror, and no matter how hard you tried to suppress the overbearing feelings blistering your heart, their clutch was now embedded into your conscious and they were working their way out, ripping and tearing, leaving nothing but devastation in its wake. It was brutish, the power of it all; how after all this time those short few moments held such a crippling power over you, a power no matter how hard you tried to overrule, decimated you each and every time. You're so caught up in your emotions that you don't hear the lock on the bathroom click, nor do you hear the faint rustling of a velvet suit making its way towards your stall.

However, you do hear the tap-tap of leather-coated knuckles against the door.

"Fuck off," You spit, not even attempting to mask the raspy panic between each word. The other person didn't say anything, and silence engulfed the room momentarily, only the occasional piercing sounds of your choked panic ripping the hazy-yellow neon light animating the bathroom. The clink of glass to wood brought your head up, your attention distracted and now upon the glass of whiskey being slid underneath the door.

"A peace offering," A familiar voice clarifies. You snatch up the drink and down it in one, desperate for a distraction; a controllable discomfort. You cough roughly at the strength, the new soreness from your rasped panic mixing distastefully with the burn from the alcohol - note taken; don't ever do that again.

You take a second to let the burn cool before speaking, "Thanks...for the drink."

He doesn't bother with a reply.

Another few moments pass and you feel you have yourself under control. You take in a deep breath and straighten your clothes out as you stand, brushing the stray hairs from your face and trying your best to look presentable despite the absence of a mirror. You unlock the door and move to step out, hand holding the empty glass out aimlessly for the other man to take.

He doesn't take it.

You furrow your brows and pause in your movements, and it is only now you chance a look into his eyes for the first time. The moment your eyes meet his, you regret it. Not because you're scared or frightened, no; you regret it because you know those are eyes you will forever see in your dreams. This man's eyes told you similar tales of the navy shores from home that you had often resided to in search of peace, the lighter hues telling tales of the midwinter sky you would doze under; and the occasional slash of cobalt reflected the darker depths of his soul, mirroring the light of unnamed stars. His eyes painted your soul in a colour you'd yet to see, a colour only he could grace you with, and it made you weak.

You were transfixed, held stationary by his unspoken authority. He raised an eyebrow at you, his understanding all too clear. You broke from your haze and scuffed, a hot blush creeping over your tear-stained cheeks.

Embarrassed couldn't even cover it.

"Fuck," you whispered, wiping away once again at the drying streaks of once warm tears on your cheeks. "FUCK!" You shout louder this time, chastising yourself as you come back to reality. What the fuck are you doing? You're stronger than this?

"How about we fix you another drink, hmm?" He says. You chuckle as you pinch the bridge of your nose, the heavy daze from the whiskey starting to mount its assault on your senses. Fuck it, you came here to get blackout drunk, so you're going to get fucking blackout drunk - for free by the looks of it.

You roll your shoulders and pick your head up, holding it high. "Sure, ugh--?" You say, holding out your hand to shake his as you hint for his name.

He replies with a smirk before turning you towards the door, catching himself before he places a hand at the small of your back, "Roman, Roman Sionis."

"Well, Roman, how about a pitcher or two?" You challenge, "Ever drunk with a student before?"

He didn't reply instantly, but you didn't let him, storming confidently out of the bathrooms and to the bar. You honed in on Alex, and at first he looked excited to see you, but as you approached he saw the darkness in your eyes and instantly knew you were'nt to be messed with. He poured a double shot of Vodka and Coke as quick as he could; it didn't even reach the counter before its contents were emptied by yours truly and slammed back onto the mahogany.

"Another." You growl, and Alex doesn't hesitate, the next drink landing in your hands within moments. You sink this one like the last, face maintaining the deadly glare it had held since you entered the room. Roman was soon at your side, marvelling at your drinking abilities; it was scary actually, how you managed to down your alcohol with such ease, expressionless. His grin faltered on your fourth shot and he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, breaking your anamatronic trance and stealing your attention to him; that's better - Roman always got what he wanted, and he wanted you. He raised an eyebrow at your anger, wondering how he could capitalise on this and turn the situation in his favour. But for some reason, he hesitates; the thought of being cruel to you made his skin shiver in an unpleasent way - oddly. See, Mr Sionis was a criminal, a violent, feral monster who, if he did not get his own way, or was undermined or disrespected, made sure that those were the last things said person would inflict - for disrespecting the King of Gotham's underground was a penalty punishable by death. A slow, torturous death, courtesy of his own cynical ministrations. He was the Black Mask, and the Black Mask felt no mercy. Why should he sympathise when he could not receive such pleasures? Others can't have what he cannot, that simply is not fair, its preposterous. And like the narcissistic bastard he was, he reasoned with this part of himself, convincing the little golden figure sat perched on his right shoulder that he was doing the nice thing by not kidnapping you right now and keeping you for himself. Something about you was different, he could sense it - he recognised the brutal blaze swirling in the depths of your eyes. They reflected his own - murderous. And that's when the little red devil on his left shoulder made their attendance known, reinforcing Romans suspicions. This girl had the devil in her, the same devil within him.

"What?" You asked, incredulously. Roman had been staring at you for longer than was comfortable, and you knew he was deep in thought over something. His eyes flicked like an old VHS tape, his physical thoughts and their direction reflecting in the depths of his scrutiny over you.

Roman grinned at his plan. He had to have you, but he knew now that forcing himself was not an option - he had to wait for you to come to him. And what better way than to get someones attention by no longer wanting it? It was the ultimate power play he thought, his excitement at the idea of you being his under your own intention ignited a blistering fire of self admiration within him - Roman Sionis was a fucking genius he thought, no, he knew.

"Nothing Darling, ciao." He replied smugly, his lips stressing a shit-eating grin at his own devious plan. He waltzed away from you to find Zsazs, desperate to let him in on his incredible plan.

You scoff at your dismissal. The fuck was all that about?

Rolling your eyes, your turn to Alex. You take a second to allow the room to catch up with you, "Did you see that?" You ask Alex, moving your head slightly to the side in a nod towards the now retreated Roman. Alex scoffs, placing a pint of water on the bar in front of you. You cut him a look of displeasure but knew you should probably slow down if you wanted to get back safe tonight.

"That guy, my dear, is Mr Sionis." Alex said, lifting his brows as at your confused look.

"Mr Sionis...right, and he is...?" You say, waving your hands in a confused manner.

Alex looked stunted, but continued to serve a few orders before continuing his conversation with you, "Well, Mr Sionis is the owner of this club."

Your eyes widen at the realisation, "The owner?" You mutter.

"Mhm." Alex hummed, amused.

But the conversation took a new direction, a direction Alex was not expecting.

"Tell me about this Mr Sionis, Alex." You murmur, gliding into your soft, convincing voice you used to get information about men.

"Well, he's the owner of this club, and my boss. He pays well." Alex starts, trying his best to close of the conversation.

"Hmm, yes; but what about him? What type of person is he?"

"I don't think--,"

"Alex," you growl, darkly. Your face dropped the sweet smile it had held before and Alex visibly winced. He knew he couldn't say too much, and he didn't know much either, but he also didn't know you, and if living in Gotham had any perks; he knew those eyes - they were the eyes of someone you did not fuck with if you wanted to keep breathing. So, Alex moved across the bar, leaning in on his elbows so he could whisper to you over the loud music; where only the two of you could be heard.

"He, he has a particular personality - colourful, bold,-" Alex starts, his eyes shifting past your figure a few times to make sure he wasnt being watched, "-Possessive. He gets what he wants - always. And he will do anything to do so, there's no limits with the guy. You fuck up, you're done."

"Done?" You whisper back, leaning in closer to Alex, only a hairs breath away.

Alex stalls, trying to find a way to answer your question without sinking himself to that fate. But he doesn't get the chance to, as you're pulling away and turning towards an unknown figure behind you.

The next few moments were a blur.

The next thing Alex knew, there was a face being buried into the hard mahogany of the bar, and the loud crack of the mans nose being broken shook Alex from his trance.

You moved so effortlessly, your movements only so perfect through hours of repetition. You didn't even stumble, and with the effectiveness of your ruminations, practically no attention was drawn to the now escalating scene at the bar.

"On what fucking planet is it ok to grab anyone like the way you just groped me, huh?" You whispered into your assailants ear. They whined and coughed, shifting under the mounting pressure you were placing at their shoulder. You had grabbed them by the arm the moment you felt their hand sliding across your ass, and the quick pinch had you seeing red - moving through muscle memory and destabilising the man by using his own weight against him. He was now bent over the bar, head buried in broken glass, his shoulder ready to pop at any moment. He was at your mercy and your blood turned primitive. You'd had enough of creepy perverts tonight.

"The fuck is wrong with you lady? It wasn't anythin' bad," The man groans, blood pouring from his nose and staining the white shirt he was wearing.

You pressed harder, muffling the pop of his shoulder joint and his cry of pain with a loud laugh, "Say, Frank - how bout you walk out this club now under your own premise before I have you wheeled out in a bodybag?" You sigh.

"The fuck, how'd you know my name was Frank?" he growled, grunting at the pain.

"Not only are you incredibly rude, but you're also rather obnoxious too, you fucking loser." You sneer, shifting his dislocated shoulder further round. He screamed, but only briefly, as you soon shut him up with a face full of glass.

"Fuck off, Frank, and don't come back."

You release him and he instantly turns and scampers away like the injured hyena he was. Rolling your eyes you turn back to Alex, who's eyes are wide with shock.

"Alex..." You mumble, and he gulps, his eyes searching yours out of panic over what you'll do next, "Just fix me a drink and I’ll be off. Sorry for the mess." You say calmly as if nothing happened. And that's the way it seemed, as no one even batted an eyelid to the violent display from moments ago. Alex says nothing but does as he's told, making you up an extra strong rum and coke. You down the drink and place the glass down.

"Where's the emergency exit?" You ask Alex, and he points to the door behind the bar. You smile, sliding him a small tip - hush money - and exit the building.

You made it about five minutes down the road before things began to get weird - real weird. This wasnt the same type of blurry you got from alcohol, this was colourful, dazy.

"Fuck - that fucker drugged me!" You sneer, words merging together as you propped yourself up against a brick wall. You tried to run over the events in your head, wondering where you tripped up. And then it hit you, the pint glass - when you leaned in to talk to Alex, he’d slipped something in the drink.

"Fu-cckk" You mumble, eyes incredibly droopy now.

You needed to get back to your flat, safety - yes.

But you didn't, as when you tried to move your legs they gave out from under you. This was an incredibly dangerous situation for anyone to be in, especially a young woman on the streets of Gotham. But the drugs worked quickly against your system, and before you had any time to prepare yourself for your inevitable demise, you blacked out

#roman x you #roman sionis smut #roman sionis fanfic #roman sionis x you #roman sionis x reader #roman sionis #roman sionis fanfiction #black mask fanfic #black mask fan fiction #black mask x reader #black mask #ewanfuckinmcgregor #ewanmcgregor #ewan mcgregor

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jamesvanriemsdyk · 4 years ago

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it's loving my friends hours, folks

hi so. i hit 1.5k a bit ago and while i dont want to do a follow forever (did one for 1k, it took so fucking long), i do want to like. talk about my friends! because i love them. so here we go, time for emo hours here at james jamesvanriemsdyk dot tumblr dot com

to all of the people ive met and talked to in the past few months: i am so grateful to have met you. i am so grateful to be your friend, whether we talk every day or not, and it is such a huge fucking gift to know you and be known by you. i would give you all a little paragraph but then i would get out of control and this post would never end because i have a lot of fucking love in my heart okay??? i love yall a whole hell of a lot ( @goaliehugs @farfrombucky @andrewcogliano @couturriere @brockmcgrinn @boesersson @steadyfreddie @nicolasaube-kubel @alexvass @beauvilliers @girouxes )

to all the mutuals i see in my notifications a lot (and the ones i dont), the new followers and the old ones, all my super sweet anons, anyone who’s tagged a post with a lovely comment or who’s messaged me with sweet words: thank you. for just like - existing in the same timeline as me, and being wonderful, and choosing to be kind even though im a clown. i love you all a lot.

to @heckeyleague @iceburgh87 and @assistantcaptainmitchmarner : im so grateful we still talk, if only every once in a while, and if only through streak snaps. it’s been, what, how many years? four? more? i look forward to snaps of your pets and the little glimpses of your lives i get every day. i love yall to pieces.

and here we go:

@fireworksatdawn : hi jayc. its, like, really hard to believe that ur essay comments on my fics led to this but - im really grateful. just, really fucking grateful. youre so kind and so loving and such a wonderful presence in my life and im so grateful that once c*vid has died down, we’ll, like. be able to see each other? fucking wild. thank you for all the fic convos and the tswift tiktoks, and the memes when im sad. i love you a ton, and im so, so glad you’re my friend. shoutout to philly as, like, a concept for giving me all the emotions i needed to write my heartbeat fics. (im still emotional about the fact that you tell me ‘its late for you, go to bed’ every time i stay up past 10pm. its the being known for me <3)

@pencilhoarders : my favorite flyers art witch. what an incredibly kind, talented soul you are. what a beautiful heart you have, really and truly. i love listening to you talk about your ideas and seeing your art process, and i love that your mind works like mine does, and that we really do understand each other. i love that you’re going after your dream and i know you’ll be incredible at whatever you decide to do post-grad - you’re simply too amazing not to be. thank you for sending me those anons about the canes what feels like forever ago; i am so fucking glad i get to call you my friend.

@majorpenalty : you are, without a doubt, one of my most favorite people ive ever met on this site. your life is fucking wild and you are so funny and kind and resilient, and i never want to not be your friend. i love losing my mind with you for five to eight hours on zoom, i love just being able to just exist with you even though we have half a country between us. you are so intelligent and strong and lovely, and you deserve every single good thing in the entire world. thank you also for sending me those wild ass anons, and for sending me all the videos of you singing trap bunny bubbles and tswift on snap (we have the yellow heart now uwu) and for just - being there and understanding. you are so brilliant and i cant fucking wait to watch you continue to grow and succeed. i love u so fuckin much.

@softgrantaire : hi, alex! kiss the cats and your baby for me and tell your husband i said hey. also, sorry in advance for how long and sappy this is about to be, because im already choked up thinking about it! so: i would not be the person i am today without you. its been a literal month since we became friends, but i literally have never felt more immediately loved or accepted by anyone in my life. you are, probably, the reason i felt comfortable enough to change my name in public; youre the first person i told i was deeply uncomfortable with my name and you changed it immediately, without fucking blinking, and i knew trans friends hit different, but i didnt realize how different it would hit til i met you. and its not just that, either, its the kindness and the trust and the mutual respect, and the pics and vids of jules and the cats all day, its being genuinely excited to see your name pop up on my phone screen, its the voice messages on my way home from work and its the sound of you laugh and the comfort that exists in the little space we’ve carved out for ourselves. i love being your friend, and i love that you’re my friend, and i want us to be that for a long, long time - ill always be the nolpat to your g. i love you so fucking much, dude.

@codyglass : ngl, i typed your url and just like - froze, for a minute. because like. how do you talk about a friendship like this? how do you put it into words? how do you describe all of the laughter and the tears and the years we’ve had together? its the kindness for me, its the communication and comprehension for me, its the unconditional love for me. there isnt a place i feel safer than our friendship; there isnt a person on earth i love like i love you. thanks for all the late nights, all the massive fic concepts/outlines we’ll never write but always find solace in, for all the nolpats roasts, for all the hockey tears and all the real life tears too. for listening to folklore with me for the first time when it dropped, for understanding when i couldnt turn it off for weeks after, for getting the days i send you 30 messages in a row and the days i cant get out of bed. it’s so fucking insane that we’re friends, still - how fucking incredible is it that i met my best friend, who lives 1846 miles away from me, through fucking hockey of all things? youre the best gift life ever gave me, and its such a fucking blessing to be alive at the same time as you, much less to be your best friend. i love you to the moon and to saturn.

#aaaaand im crying lmao #follow forever #kinda? its loving my friends hours babey #j.txt

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kolsmikaelson · 4 years ago

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caitee’s 200 followers celebration

in light of recent events(the quinn & brock thing:/) ive decided to post this now. i haven’t quite hit 200 but im only three away now and we all need something to keep our minds off of the recent news(at least i do) and so im really hoping yall will participate:) you all can send requests for the rest of the week for this(just if its in a few days lmk what its for) anyways on to the fun stuff !!!

okay chari gave me this idea! on my last milestone celebration, i did things like “🌊- cast your mutuals as...” and im doing the same thing just using hockey players names. & the names arent in any particular order, i tried to keep players with the teams theyre on but some i forgot and remembered like halfway through and added them towards the end.

if you have any questions about any of the names and what they mean just send me an ask and i’ll explain it better! also! it doesnt matter if you do anon or not! if youre more comfortable sending an ask by anon then thats okay! but dont feel obligated to send any asks at all!! i just thought this would be a fun thing to do since i hit 200 followers and i didnt think i’d get here:) and if you do participate please include the players name so i know which ones which:)

tagging moots!

@kempe @mxltifandoms06 @hymarners @calesykar @moritzseider @jackiesquinn @bestestbenn @vinceduhn @damndunner @dunnerbarzal @dunnwithlyfe @teenagekook

mat barzal-ask/tell me an embarrassing story

anthony beauvillier- ask me about anything (just please no political stuff)(it can be like “where did you come up with your username?”)

anders lee- blurbs (chari will be helping me & i normally dont write anything so dont judge pls)

tyler seguin-send a number between 1-250 and i’ll show you what picture that is in my camera roll

jamie benn- send your assumptions about me

jamie oleksiak- send me something you’ve needed to get off your chest, wether it be anon or not doesnt matter

roope hintz- cast your mutuals( ex: cym with harry potter soulmates) (i’ll do it with obx,harry potter&hockey players)

nolan patrick- moodboards(i’ll look at your blog and make one i think would suit it, also you could send one for mine if you wanted)

travis konecny- spotify wrapped, pick a number say what the song in my 2020 wrapped playlist corresponds with your number

cale makar- abc game, if you dont send it anonymously i’ll pick songs that start with the first letter of your username and so on(ex: anthonybeauvy i’d go a-always you by louis tomlinson then n-no control one direction then continue like that)

tyson jost- ask me for any advice

nathan mackinnon- send or ask for a random storytime

matthew tkachuk-biggest fear(ask what mine is/ something im scared of)

vince dunn- if money wasnt an issue what would you buy(ask me what i would buy or tell me what you’d buy)

elias pettersson-if the pandemic was magically over, we didnt have to worry about it anymore, what would you do, dont have to worry about money or anything(tell me what you’d do or ask what i’d do)

brock boeser- where would you travel if money wasnt an issue? (tell me where you’d go or ask where i’d go!!)

quinn hughes(now im changing it and if you’d like please send sindey crosby instead <3)-where would you live, anywhere in the world , if you could!

mitch marner- whats something most people dont knoe about you? (ask me or tell me)

tagging some moots:)

william nylander-if you could only drink one drink for the rest of your life, what would it be?(ask me or tell me)

pierre luc dubios-favorite book?(ask or tell me)

andrei svechnikov-if you had to live in another time period, what would you choose?

erik johnson- if you had to choose a time period to live in, what would it be? why?

gabriel landeskog- tell me about about something you’re passionate about?

andre burakovsky-if you could choose a fictional universe(ex:marvel,obx,harry potter,star wars) to live in, what would you choose,and why?

mikko rantanen- what are your three biggest pet peeves?

welcome to the appreciation part of this post. in gonna tag some of my closer moots and basically tell them how much i care about them:)))

@kempe we’ve been mutuals for a while now, and im so glad i met you. you have been so so kind to me and we’ve grown so so close! i hope to never lose you ever <3 i love you so so much also remember you are so stunning holy shit zoe youre the light of my life<3

@calesykar arianna babe i literally love you so much, im always gonna be here for you, wether you need help with a fic or something personal i’ll help you!! youre so sweet and im so glad we met! and you’re absolutely gorgeous babes

@hymarners im so glad tumblr let you finally get back on and you found my account somehow, you are so amazing and kind and i am so glad we managed to meet, i love you<3 i may not know what you look like but im sure you are insanely gorgeous

@vinceduhn you are such a kind person, youre an amazing writer and i’ve been following you for a while, and im glad we started interacting ilysm<3

@moritzseider thank you for everything youre so amazing and i love you so so much<3 remember always you’re gorgeous and im always always always here if you need anything bub

@mxltifandoms06 thank you so so much for helping me with this, and anything else youve helped me with!! i love you so so much!!

@jackiesquinn i really appreciate you, im do glad we are mutuals and im literally always here for you<3 remember youre STUNNING and i love you so much

@bestestbenn you are such an amazing author and a kind person bot to mention insanely gorgeous like?? i could never! but im always here to help with whatever you need and im super glad we met i love you<3

@dunnwithlyfe youre so sweet and i know we started talking after all my friend drama but im super glad we started you are amazing !!! ilysm!!!

thank you to anyone who may participate, if not thank you anyway! im super thankful for almost 200!!

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skullvins · 4 years ago

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random fuckin gender ramble scroll if ur not interested in my gender bs

aaarrrggg i hate that radfem bs has caused me to still associate butch and femme with being lesbian only terms (even though i KNOW they’re not) and thus making me associate both of them with being women, even though i KNOW theyre historically not. its so hard to unlearn???

like, the overlapping lesbian/butch/transmasc history is so hard to navigate as a funky lil enby/genderqueer because a lot of terms are either too masc or too fem for me to be comfortable with, and now that im TRYING to explore exactly how my masculinity and femininity work its so weird!!!

I’m in solidarity with queer men and queer women, both trans and cis or gnc or whatever and figuring out my personal relationships with those communities is hard!!! I relate to my cis female peers as someone who’s only started socially transitioning in recent years, I relate to their issues as someone who doesn’t pass well, I relate to transmascs in terms of wanting to be seen as more masculine, in wanting to physically transition, i relate to trans mlm in terms of sexuality, i relate to lesbians/wlw in terms of sexuality too! some of the best comfort and solidarity ive found is in amab enbies and even some transfems when it comes to comfort and gender expression. the two amab demiguys i know make me feel comfortable exploring masculinity because i feel safe around them BECAUSE they’re not cis, and like, i can be ‘one of the guys’ with them without having to be A GUY, and i relate so so so hard to gnc guys or amab enbies when it comes to presentation. i almost want to transition JUST so i can reembrace femininity in a masculine way.

i dunno, i feel this insane pressure outside of the queer community to either be as masc as possible to pass and be taken seriously, and that’s gotta be at least partially due to the way radfem bs has spread, especially here in the uk.

i wanna be read as masc, i wanna be read as fem, i wanna be incomprehensible! I wanna wear men’s shirts and t shirts and polo shirts with a skirt because i can!! because skirts are fun and cute and i enjoy wearing them. i really do wish i was amab because it would be so much easier to present the way i want to, I think, but then again, i don’t have bottom dysphoria, not really.

all this changes though, really i might just be genderfluid, but i hate the binary connotations of that too. so many enby words are stolen or defined in terms of binary gender: being bigender to most means being male or female, being genderfluid means being fluid between them, being nonbinary is being not male or female, when people equate being nonbinary to being genderless it kills me because I am not binary! but i am not genderless! my gender is here and present and part of me and part of my relation with the world around me and with other people and part of my sexuality and orientation

i dunno, this is turning into a big queer rant. this isn’t me trying to shove labels onto myself, I’m fine with rejecting them if that’s what’s needed - i don’t define my sexuality any further than queer even though hypothetically i could probably id as bi or pan or any mspec label, but I choose not to because being QUEER is my orientation. perhaps my gender as well (i do id as genderqueer as well as enby) but i want to really truly understand my gender AS queer, rather than just brush it off as queer because I cannot define it to myself or understand it. i want to understand my relation to the world around me and to other queer people.

so am I butch? am I femme? maybe it changes? is that allowed to change from day to day? my gender doesn’t FEEL like it changes but that presentation does, maybe! maybe I need to try new pronouns, but using she/her like i want to is hard when i associate it with misgendering and failing to prove myself as trans enough to cis people.

i wanna be masc with women and fem with men, but the latter is hard due to fears that come from experiences with misogyny. a lot of cis men ARE scary to me - I’m an 18 year old afab for fucks sake. i wish i could have that re-embraced femininity, but I’m not flat when i bind or build masc or tall or fuckin. anything! and hormones aren’t an option yet because a lot of my mental health is too unstable, the nhs is in shambles, and I don’t have money. i can’t embrace that yet unless im in the right circles, with the right people, and i can’t be that in society, I don’t trust it. I don’t know if I wanna dress fem and have people see me as masc or fem, i don’t know what pronouns i want them to use, i dunno man!!!

i wanna reach out to older queer people but again its hard, we’re in lockdown, i don’t live somewhere with a big queer community, i’m not a fan of bars and such and there’s not any in my town so i’d have to travel a bit, i wish i could just feel at home!!! i wanna be feminine without being female but also without being male, at least not fully male! I’m not male, i have this connection to femininity and it doesn’t feel male to me, I don’t want to be included in explicitly male or explicitly female spaces, I wanna be with everyone or no one, i dunno

again, i wish butch and femme didnt feel so gendered to me personally, and that’s not just this site but also what ive grown up with, my mum used to always say i was a wannabe ‘butch lezza’ whenever i was trying to get her to take my NONBINARY identity seriously and I’m not that! not because it’s bad to be, but because that’s just not me. I’m not a wlw, I’m not even sure on my attraction to women, or to men, or to anyone, I’m just attracted to queerness, and i dunno it’s hard. being ‘butch’ to me, somewhat, still means wlw, even though it’s not true, and i hate how radfem bs has ruined the word for me. i wish i could understand my identity in terms of being butch or femme, or whatever i am, and i wish those words weren’t tainted for me in the first place. i guess all of us are just ‘failed women’ in the eyes of society, huh.

characters who are feminine, but still explicitly male, or have some relation with masculinity, or are fluid between it, or who return to masculinity as a default give me so much euphoria just to witness. I’m in desperate need of a haircut and i don’t know whether to grow it out properly again or cut it short

either way, I’m gonna dye it purple

#purple is a queer colour #DONT rb unless you have some advice or something #then again my replies/inbox exists #dont send me shit accusing me of being some flavour of bigot im figuring out MY relationship with this shit #if someone calls me homophobic or transphobic or something over discussing my own queer identity on my OWN DAMN BLOG ill eat my fucking hat #this is all without applying the aro lens but idk how much that applies to this either #my aromanticism affects my relationships with people and how i approach them but that's more on a personal level than a GENDER kinda level #though perhaps my unique approach to relationships and my approach to gender are linked #especially with how being alloaro causes me to often prioritise different things in relationships #is that linked to gender? who knows #queer tag #illusion.txt #again dont rb unless u have a point to make #older queers PLEASE interact #older butches and femmes what is your wisdom #gender tag

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