#more vampire content because I drew this in October last year

[please-dont-hurt-me]

Mchanzo rec

The cooking cowboy by SadakoTetsuwan (wip at 30 chapters right now, 77046 words, and has a mature rating)

“It had started simple—he just needed a good recipe for matcha cake to surprise Genji on his birthday, and so he’d started clicking around for tutorials on YouTube. But now Hanzo is in deep, and is officially part of ‘The Chuckwagon’; the mostly middle-aged, mostly female fan following of YouTube cooking sensation Jesse McCree, the Cooking Cowboy.How had his life come to this?“

I think I should make it obvious that I love this. I love that Mccree cooks and is so good at it, I love how Hanzo picks up a hobby. I especially love that mishaps happen because of a lawyer email. Genji is both a little shit and a good brother, like a realistic sibling. Hanzo’s anxiety feels kind of similar to my own in a sense.  It’s got good and realistic pacing, having them learn of each other, making the interact, start to flirt, have them meet, have hesitations, meet eachother halfway, and follow through. The only thing I’m not particularily fond of was the Gency but it was minor and was mostly just side fluff which is all right by me. 

One of my favorite parts of this fic is that it has a recipe at the end of each chapter

Hanzo, Denial is Not a River in Egypt by SadakoTetsuwan (complete with 1/1 chapters, 5787 words, and has an explicit rating )

“Jesse likes Hanzo.

He's glad that Hanzo likes him back.

There's only one problem.

Hanzo doesn't think he's gay.”

I remeber one day I was scrolling through the Mchanzo tag when I remebered that this fic existed, for two scenes only. “It’s not gay if the dicks dont touch” from Hanzo and the last bit with Hanzo yelling out the window. I remebered these two scenes and I started franticly scrolling through the pics for that one comic that has a link to this fanfic. Its a good fic but you will have your hands in your palms for most of with how ridicously in denial Hanzo is. 

Just fyi, theres a lot of kinky shit so the explict tag is on there for a reason

A faithful companion by kaijuborn (complete with 1/1 chapters, 10195 words, and has a rating of teen-and-up)

“Hanzo is a wanderer, always on the move after leaving his home and his duties. However, when winter comes and he finds himself in an abandoned town, he decides to stay for a while. A large, three-legged wolf accompanies him, though the animal appears to be more than what first meets the eye.”

This fic is very beutiful. like the begging captures calmness and serenity, the second captures the feeling you have in a warm bed, late at night after drinking tea, and the final beat is the fluttery feeling of attraction and affection and it’s amazing.

Five Times Hanzo Shimada Lost His Composure by leoandlancer (complete with 6/6 chapters, 31856 words, and a Teen-and-up rating)

“When Hanzo first arrived at the Watchpoint, he wasn't expecting anything like Jesse McCree. Already shouldering the responsibility of pursuing his redemption, and trying to reconnect with Genji, Hanzo is determined to make his new arrangement a success. However, the gunslinger has an irritatingly thoughtless way of making Hanzo loose his composure. (Five Times + One fic of Hanzo increasingly loosing his cool over all the little things that come easily to McCree because help me I need more fluff.)”

Okay this is straight sugar and it’s great. Also in other news: Hanzo is super gay.

The 85th Annual King County Bake-Off by venvephe (wip that 4/5 chapters complete, 37995 words, and has a Mature rating)

“It’s October first, and it’s all come down to this.

The cake is perfect. He’s been waiting for this moment all year, since the previous baking competition. This is his chance at redemption, at reclaiming the crown of the best baker in the county. It’s a title only the winner of the county fair can hold. He’s waited a year and spent hours upon hours at work. Early mornings and late nights, scrapped ideas and tons of flour and sugar went into his masterpiece. It’s all led to him to standing here, awaiting the announcement of the winners.

This year, it’s going to be Hanzo. Last year’s winner - his rival, his nemesis - is going down. Hanzo’s not going to let his mortal enemy take the crown for a third year in a row.

What kind of name is Jesse McCree, anyways?”

Hanzo is a very bitter baker who is angry that a “soccer mom” beat him. Hot guy whose his type approaches him at the competions. Turns out “soccer mom” is the hot guy, he wins. Hanzo’s pride is seriously bruised and litterally broke the fucking eggs at the goddman supermarket.... hanzo wtf is wrong with you. I mean this is perfectly in character but god this is why i can relate to mccree more in social situations. He’s such a stubborn guy and this stupid prideful man makes so many mistakes aaaghhhh.

Willing to lie by Ilyen (wip with 6 chapters, 58434 words, and an explict rating)

"It's Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how you're still single? About how your parents really want more grandchildren? Well, look no further!

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen's guitar. I can play between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if I shave. I'm a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you'd like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I'm game."

-Jesse McCree probably

A story 110% based on this craigslist ad - http://cdn.foodbeast.com/content/uploads/2014/11/craig.jpg

This is ridicouslous. It pulls no punches with its comedy and its tradgety. Its great in how despite being put in a fucking miserable situation because of the shimada’s, Mccree is still so sweet to them and I live for how all of them interact. I love how shimada family dinamic works (or doesnt) because it show how toxic their enviroment and how they cope in diffrent ways. 

The Hunter and the Demon by WinterOcelot 

This one is a series which is great and I’ve commented on each of the fics in that series. the lore is amazing and so is the relationships. its definately worth the read. 

Here’s the summerary of the first fic:

“A violent creature has been murdering people in the small Japanese village of Hanamura. When nothing is done about it for a whole month, veteran monster hunter Jesse McCree decides it's time for a professional to be called in.What he happens to stumble across is far from what he was anticipating.“

but my favorite of the series’s summary is:

“Jesse gets a call about a vampire coven in Australia. He agrees to investigate, which means another lengthy flight for Hanzo the grumpy (but snuggly) demon.“

Sweet as Honey by Batkatbrown (wip with 12 chapters, 37516 words, and mature rating)

“Maybe.” Jesse’s voice rasped at the end, rising sharply. “But … um… if you did want… you know… a bed would be nice.” Jesse lowered his eyes to the ground, the slightest tremor running down his body. “Mabel’s asleep and your car’s just outside…”

Hanzo’s heart plummeted into his stomach, revulsion coiling into his throat like a living thing. “Jesse.” He paused to draw in a calming breath, fighting to control the beast inside. It raged in his eyes, and he curled his hand into a fist in Jesse’s shirt. The room felt too small, the air sucked away.

“When I take your mouth, you will be begging for it,” Hanzo’s voice growled in his throat. “Not a cheap offer to buy affection or kindness from me,” he drew Jesse down and tilted his mouth to his ear. “But because you can’t stand being parted from me for a single second more.”

It’s a beautiful fic full of realistic veiws of America; assholes, poverty, shitty care of vetrans, ptsd, and unfourte situations. Mccree is scrapping by and the cake he got for his sister’s birthday is smashed by an asshole and Hanzo swoops in and not only buys him a fancy birthday cake but multiple toys.

it seems like a sugar daddy au but it isnt. They might be attracted to each other but it is an exchange of sex for money.

Happiness is a Warm Puppy by murgamurg (complete with 2/2 chapters, 5170 words, and gen rating)

“Hanzo finds a ball of fur that waddles to him immediately.It is -- a puppy. He doesn't know what to do with a puppy.“

Its as pure and sweet as it sounds. Its amazing and theres 101/10 chemistry and I love how deep they are in pining. The last scene is amazing and 100000/10.

[obscuraxrp]

The smoke settles to reveal CHO JINWOO, also known as PARKER, a 149 year old vampire of Sunseong. He is a private investigator and informant who appears to be adept in hand-to-hand combat, compulsion, and reconnaissance --- but like most things in Sunseong, there must be more to him than meets the eye.

FACECLAIM: Min Yoongi, bts

APPEARANCE:

The blonde haired male has an eyebrow piercing, heavily pierced ears, a vertical labaret, and two full sleeves of tattoos on his arms. 

BIOGRAPHY:

June 21, 1868: Cho Jinwoo is born to a family of merchants. His upbringing is fairly unremarkable, with no significant occurrences.

1872: The boy’s father begins to show Jinwoo the tricks of the trade from a young age, having the boy help in the shop and observe negotiations with business partners. He appears to be a quick learner, soaking information up like a sponge and applying it in his own life in small ways.

September 16, 1879: Jinwoo’s father’s ship disappears en route from China. There is no sign of the ship nor its contents, and the crew is assumed to be dead. The resulting financial blow is enough for the family to have to sell the business and most of their belongings in order to pay off their debts. The broken family moves to a modest district in Seoul, his mother has a hard time adjusting to the class change. Jinwoo grows more frustrated with the situation he finds himself in as he begins taking on more dangerous work to make ends meet.

1880: Jinwoo’s mother develops a drinking habit. The alcohol causes her to waste away in the house, often arguing with Jinwoo. Her habit plunges them further into poverty, and finally after a final, explosive argument the boy decides to leave home and lie about his age in order to join the military.

1881: The military is far from what Jinwoo expected. The unpaid wages due to the introduction of a new, lavishly funded Japanese-trained faction of the military prove to make tensions rise between the soldiers and the government. Jinwoo especially grows resentful, and he’s among the first people to start whispering about mutiny. Linking up with other soldiers, Jinwoo himself did a good deal of the recruiting and information gathering for the impending attack.

1882: Tensions reach a boiling point after sand and rotten rice are found in the soldiers’ rations one night. The revolt results in the death of a Japanese general and several government officials. Rather than stay and face execution Jinwoo disappears into the forests and takes his first opportunity to leave the country that he feels has given him nothing but strife. He makes his way to America in the hopes of integrating into modernized culture. October 25, 1887: He awakens buried alive in a cemetery in Upstate New York. He has little memory of what occurred, but there are vague images of a night spent with a strange, yet achingly beautiful blonde woman. His throat burns with thirst as he claws his way out of a shallow grave, terrifying the groundskeeper. Acting on instinct, Jinwoo latches onto the man’s neck and drains him of blood. The male immediately knows what he has become, because of rumors that he had heard back in his hometown about similar creatures that prowled the night. 1904: The male is just getting the hang of his abilities, testing his limits, and having fun. He cares little for hiding what he is, yet makes no effort to go public either. Word reaches him of the October Massacre, but due to being removed from the situation it quickly becomes an afterthought. He continues to study through the years, migrating to different parts of the globe and working as a private investigator on the side in order to fund his lifestyle. 2004: After so long being spent abroad, Jinwoo decides to return to Korea under the identity of Parker Cho, a Korean American. He is disgusted by what he finds when he returns, his people having been reduced to a criminal underground cowering in fear of an invisible Queen and a power hungry Lord.. He feels the same rage boiling within him that he felt when he was a teenager in the army, and he decides to take matters into his own hands. The male begins searching for information on both the Queen and the Lord, quietly assembling extensive files of hard-earned information on both. 2013: Parker joins the ranks of the Queen, acting as a spy on the Lord. Little known to her he’s doing the same for the Lord. He maintains his status as a double agent, feeding each side a mix of information and misinformation until he’s certain he’s got enough influence from the shadows.. His goal is to bring both sides down from the inside, though the progress is slower than he anticipated. 2016: an unexpected development occurs when the Lord and the Queen meet and  kill each other in combat. Parker finds himself dissatisfied with the results, as the full scope of his plans were unable to come to fruition. The chaos that ensues allows him to slip beneath the radar once again. 2017: The male works on small projects now in order to support himself as he has returned to the drawing board, trying to decide what direction he should go in now.

CHARACTERIZATION:

Flexible: Parker is extremely adaptable to the people and things around him. It doesn’t take him long to get in the groove to mirror a conversation partner, adjust a plan to account for new data, or change his angle of thought in an argument.

Independent: Parker has always been the type to value providing for himself. He is a big advocate of choice, freedom, and personal power so anything that attempts to destroy those things is something that is met with extreme distaste. Easy-Going: It takes quite a bit to genuinely upset Parker, as his extended existence has caused him to become apathetic to the trivial matters that most humans concern themselves with.

Manipulative: For better or for worse, Parker truly understands how people work. This lends itself to exploiting the weaknesses and judgement errors of others.

Aggressive: Despite his typically mild demeanor, there’s still an aspect of Parker that is unnerving. This is due to the repressed rage from his lifetime that he habors. This rage can manifest in bouts of aggression including rapid mood swings, violent outbursts, verbal abuse/insults, and frequent physical fights.

Disloyal: Parker’s loyalties lie only with the people, institutions, and ideas that serve him as long as they do just that—serve him. He can easily be described as fickle, as he will go to any and every means necessary to achieve his end.

SPECIALTIES:

Hand to Hand Combat Rank I (20 points): Parker was trained in Taekwondo upon entering the military, additionally he has combat experience. The male is also frequently in scraps because of his mouth, so he is no stranger to street fighting either. Compulsion Rank II (40 points): While he was alive, Parker was an seasoned negotiator with a natural charisma that drew nearly anybody to his side. Now that he has been turned into a vampire, this effect has multiplied tenfold because of his ability to attract others on a supernatural level, and because of an intimate knowledge of the psyche. While it’s not mind control, so long as he has direct eye contact with his target for three seconds, it can be quite difficult to say no to his suggestion, especially if one has weak will power. Typically the effects of compulsion last up to thirty minutes, depending on the task at hand. The longer it is being used though, the more it starts to take a mental toll on Parker.

Reconnaissance Rank II (40 points): Having done recon throughout his military career and having over 100 years to practice after that, Parker has fine tuned the art of information gathering through multiple means including trailing, hacking, and surveying. Admittedly he can only do so much on his own, so often he enlists ghouls and thralls to help him achieve the surveillance network that he needs at the time.

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

Conspiracies, Milbury on Subban and Kovalchuk's return (Puck Daddy Countdown)

LOS ANGELES, CA – JANUARY 29: P.K. Subban #76 of the Nashville Predators poses for a portrait prior to the 2017 Honda NHL All-Star Game at Staples Center on January 29, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

(In which Ryan Lambert takes a look at some of the biggest issues and stories in the NHL, and counts them down.)

8. It’s time for some Game 3-ry!

Who could have known that the “Alex Ovechkin tried to kill Ron Hainsey with a polonium-laced flubbed one-timer” would have been only the tip of the iceberg?

Yeah, like the “I’m With Her” crew who can’t stop tweeting about or devoting their nightly MSNBC shows to Russian involvement in the U.S. election, Pittsburgh sports writers seem to have gone off the deep end with their hate of Ovechkin.

Who knows how deep the rabbit hole goes? Rob Rossi, a writer for Upgruv (pron. “oop-gruv”) suggests that Ovechkin, not content with putting Hainsey on the shelf, also conspired with Matt Niskanen, Barry Trotz, the saucer people and the reverse vampires to try to murder Sidney Crosby as well. And wouldn’t you know it, it worked!!!!!!!!

Like Rossi, Pittsburgh homers I mean reporters including Josh Yohe and Kevin Gorman have reason to believe may be a boogeyman or boogeymen at work, and yinz are blind if yinz can’t see it.

What sort of Kompromat Ovechkin may have on Niskanen, who used to be Crosby’s teammate for pete’s sake, has on these guys to make them focus in on playing a physical game against Crosby we may never know. Maybe it was video of how bad Niskanen was on the man advantage in the first two games (a.k.a. The PP Tape) but until we get some more concrete evidence, we just can’t be sure.

Certainly, now that Crosby is potentially out for the series in what was absolutely not in any way an unfortunate accident that results from one guy trying very hard to dispossess arguably the best player in the world of the puck, in a prime scoring area, and another being in the same general area for the unfortunate aftermath.

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And certainly certainly, a guy like Rossi would never have written apologia on behalf of Nice Guy Matt Cooke a year after he effectively ended Marc Savard’s career and tried to do the same to Ryan McDonagh. No, absolutely not. 

7. The Selke ceiling

Speaking of poor Sid Crosby, NBC had a really great video package at the beginning of Monday’s Game 3 in which it showed how good Crosby is at literally everything to do with hockey. And it got me thinking: Crosby really ought to have a Selke on his shelf by now, right?

Like, he’s probably going to have to wait a few more years since he’s still scoring by the bucketload, but if you’re going to tell me he’s not one of the four or five best defensive players alive, that says to me you’re not paying a lot of attention to this sport.

And yet, the highest he’s ever finished in Selke voting was last season, when he ended up seventh. My theory: It’s because he had only 85 points in 80 games. Which for him is incredibly bad, the lowest points-per-game of his career.

The thing with the Selke is that there is now, seemingly, a ceiling for how many points you can score before you were too good offensively to have been considered good defensively. Which is dumb as hell, of course. But people don’t want to accept that you can be elite at both ends of the ice.

I looked it up and the median Selke winner in the cap era had 27 goals and 70 points. And those were the heyday of Crosby and Malkin going off and racking up 100-plus points, so by comparison he must have been doing something to have fallen behind the pack. Also, you have to be a center, but you already knew that.

So who’s the guy, statistically, who’s most likely to win the Selke this year? Kesler’s closest to both those numbers, and given how bad the media wanted to name him MVP of the series for matching up against Connor McDavid (and only kinda getting caved in), I bet his 22-36-58 goes a long way.

Then again, he’s up against three-time winner Patrice Bergeron, so that has to come into the discussion as well. And Bergeron will probably win for lack of a better option.

But seriously, Crosby.

6. That Zaitsev contract

It’s not very good. I don’t get the seven years. I don’t get the $4.5 million. Statistically he scans like a No. 4/5 defenseman who got thrown into a bigger role than he actually earned, and the fact that he’ll be 26 in October doesn’t portend good things for the second half of this contract.

As much as the Leafs have earned a rep for making smart moves, they still give out some dumb contracts. And yeah, maybe they’re trying to goad Las Vegas into taking a youngish D who’s signed relatively cheap and for term, but why would you risk that?

I dunno, I just feel like Babcock has his blindspots and defenders like Zaitsev is very firmly within that blindspot. Maybe if, one day, he starts getting used as an expensive-but-good No. 4/5 instead of a not-good-enough No. 2, things work out okay. But right now? Pass.

5. Walkin’ it back

Mike Milbury’s comments about P.K. Subban dancing in pre-games drew a lot of ire, and understandably so. Mike Milbury is a loudmouth clod that every hockey fan who has to suffer through his NBC diatribes cannot stand. P.K. Subban is a mostly beloved guy who should be a huge star in this league, except they have a problem with his, uhh, let’s call it “pizzazz.”

So when Milbury got a chance to walk all that back with Joe Rexrode, would you believe he actually said even more dumbass stuff?

“The game is supposed to be fun and I’m glad that P.K. Subban is part of the game,” Milbury said, lyingly. “I’m glad he’s a personality. I think it’s wonderful that he has that kind of approach. At the risk of repeating myself, the only question was, does that distracting kind of behavior impact anyone else? I’m just asking the question.”

Well jeez Mike, you’re one of these “all that matters are wins” people, right? Well check the goddamn record. If his dancing were a problem or a distraction or anything else, we might have heard about it by now. But everyone likes Subban except old white clowns (to use Milbury’s word) no one can stand or wants to see on TV or ever hear from. I wonder why that is.

Interestingly, Milbury had nothing to say about the Rangers doing this that same weekend:

I’m not sure the Rangers know what sport they’re playing today pic.twitter.com/USeOwLwxf6

— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) April 29, 2017

A coincidence, I’m very sure.

4. Shopping Drouin

Rumors have been swirling for a little while now that the Tampa Bay Lightning might use this good season from embattled young star-in-the-making Jonathan Drouin as leverage to acquire someone who helps them more immediately — perhaps on the blue line.

That would make a lot of sense and be a boon to a Lightning team that needed a little defensive help last night. But man, if you can trade Drouin for someone who can, like, make sure half the team doesn’t spend 35-plus games on the LTIR, that would help even more.

3. The expansion-draft-slash-awards show

Oh man, this is going to make the NHL Awards watchable. Maybe. Hopefully.

But honestly, as a guy who has to write about the NHL Awards every year, if it saves me from watching even one more torturous “comedy” “sketch,” this will all have been worth it.

2. Ilya Kovalchuk coming back

Saw the rumors where Ilya Kovalchuk is considering a return to the NHL and teams are interested.

Why wouldn’t they be? He had 78 points in 60 KHL games last season, placing him second in the league in scoring. That’s about the kind of production, more or less, that Alex Radulov had before he came back to the NHL and was a super-useful player for the Canadiens.

If Radulov is seen as proof of concept here, then the suitors will line up.

HOWEVER! There’s a big difference here: Radulov spent this season as a 30-year-old. And Kovalchuk just turned 34. One wonders, then, what kind of money or term Kovalchuk wants, and how long he’s going to be worth that contract, whatever it is.

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Teams should absolutely be interested. Kovalchuk’s game isn’t exactly predicated on getting up and down the ice quickly, and it’s hard to imagine he’s got the kind of miles on his body that most 34-year-olds do (thanks to the KHL’s larger rinks, less hitting and shot-blocking, etc. as well as his own playing style) but still, 34 is old as hell.

1. This year’s draft lottery

As someone who was delighted every time the stupid Oilers won another draft lottery, the fact that Vegas is picking sixth and the top three goes New Jersey, Philly, Dallas is — to me — delightful beyond words. At least, y’know, since the Oilers couldn’t win it again.

(Not ranked this week: The thinking behind the Kucherov controversy.

A true highlight of every summer is when Eastern European players go back to their home countries and give too-honest-for-North-Americans interviews about the past season.

It’s nice that they do it because it’s nice to have that unfiltered thinking out there, but I really don’t get why they do it, since all it does is lead local beat writers to basically beg them to walk back those comments. Like that ages-old Alex Semin interview on Puck Daddy where he said he didn’t think Crosby was that good, all it does is lead to PR nightmares for NHL teams and probably gets guys good and yelled at. So it’s just strange these things continue.

Blessings to the players for doing it, but if it were me I wouldn’t want to field the extra six phone calls such an interview leads to.) 

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All statistics via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

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