#more to come next year yayyy im already working on some stuff

[simikae]

art summary for 2024 🫶 onto the next year folks

(template can be found here, by @/taxkha!)

[another-dra-anew]

poor little mae mae im sure it won't be too difficult!

Maeda, narrating - Maybe I should just think of some universal gifts…

Maeda - ���Could get her a scarf, which I’ve never seen her wear, or a hat, which I’ve never seen her wear.

Maeda - Really, how many lovely ideas I have.

~*~

Kurokawa - What are we doing to wrap up the day today?

Tsurugi - I didn’t bother coming up with anything…

Tsurugi - I figured now would be a good time to talk about our plans for break, while we’re all together.

Tsurugi - Then, maybe we can plan some stuff to do as a class around everyone’s schedule?

Maki - Past the other thing you already planned for us to do against our will?

Tsurugi - …Another day, another forcing people to hang out!

Tsurugi - Yayyy the illusion of choice, yayyy…

Uehara - Tsurugi-

Tsurugi - Yayyyyy mandatory group time, yayyyyyy!!!

Uehara - …Okay, Tsu.

Uehara - I’m not really sure what I’m doing day of, but I agreed to give a sermon on the 24th.

Uehara - I can already feel the throat pain…

Uehara - I’ll be around campus though!

Inori, doubting Uehara - …”Agreed” to a sermon.

Uehara - Tsurugi, can you do the thing again.

Tsurugi - I love having choice and being in control of the things I do.

Tsurugi - Hopes Peak is such a great place to be for self-discovery!

Uehara - That sums it up, Tsu gets it.

Inori - Tsurugi is part of the problem.

Tsurugi - I am no government-funded entity!

Tsurugi - …I’m making Juu pay for the gifts I’m getting, and he works for the government, so there’s that…

Tsurugi - But I think I’m allowed to take money from his pockets!

Tsurugi - I deserve it.

Tomori - When you say you’re making him pay, and taking money from his pockets,

Tomori - Are you twisting his arm to get him to pay, or stealing his wallet?

Tsurugi - Time will tell…

Tsurugi - Anyways, Tomori, what are your plans again?

Tomori - I’m leaving sometime on the 23rd, and I should be back on the third day of January.

Tomori - Do I pick someone to share next, or will people just speak up?

Tsurugi - Uhm…

Tsurugi - Just pick someone, less messy.

Tomori - Got it. Maki?

Maki - …

Maki - I’m going home, I think. 

Maki - I leave the 22nd, it remains to be seen when I’ll be back.

Maki - No later than the second or third though.

Maki - Higa, your turn.

Higa - I’m heading to see my dad on the 23rd, and I’ll return the 2nd. 

Ōtori - The Higa family legacy…

Yamaguchi - We’ve got the same schedule, Higa!

Maki - I’m surprised you’re not heading back sooner to spend more time with your sister.

Yamaguchi - I tried, but it didn’t really work out with everyone’s schedule.

Yamaguchi - …Higa, I’m stealing your turn to choose someone.

Yamaguchi - Mekaru, what are you up to?

Mekaru - Oh!

Mekaru - I’m going, actually… I’ll be gone from the 24th to the first, 

Mekaru - Though, I may not make it back until the second… but I’m leaving on the first.

Mekaru - I’d be back sooner, but my friend, Okada, wants me to accompany her on New Years.

Tomori - Just gals being pals…

Mekaru - …Yeah?

Mekaru - Uhm… Kobashikawa, what are your plans?

Kobashikawa - …

//Kobashikawa takes a moment to reply, visibly deliberating before starting to sign.

Kobashikawa - I… I’m heading home, I won’t be on campus for the holidays.

Kobashikawa - Don’t know how long I’ll be home for, to be honest-

//He pauses again, Ōtori filling in what he seemed to be signing before he stopped. After a brief pause, Kobashikawa starts up again, signing quickly.

Kobashikawa - Honestly, I may try to take up some flights in-between holidays… or maybe even before?

Ōtori - …Are you working out what airports you want to go to?

Kobashikawa - Mhm. Go ahead and share your holiday plans, I’m done talking!

Ōtori - I need to unionize- you know, I’m not a paid translator! That’s unfair.

Kobashikawa - No one would pay you for the quality of work you provide.

Ōtori - …Anyways, 

Kobashikawa - Lol.

Ōtori - I’m going on the 21st, actually. I want to be home early enough to set up shop on the 22nd.

Ōtori - Then I think I’ll be back on the 3rd.

Tomori - I think that’s the largest stretch so far…

//Tsurugi is rapidly typing on his phone.

Tsurugi - It is! Veeery long, comparatively.

Ōtori - …Maeda, what are you doing for break?

Maeda - …

Maeda - …

Maeda - I should call my family, at the least…

Maeda - How… would I get back…

Maeda - …

Taira - Maeda, if it snows, I want to have a snowball fight with you.

Taira - Also, I want to go sledding, but I don’t want to go on my own, so you can come too, and watch.

Taira - Maeda and I are staying on campus for the holidays.

Ōtori - …

Tsurugi - …Yeah, sure, why not.

Hatano - I’m… gonna share now.

Hatano - I’m heading home! I’m excited to see my dad, and my siblings.

Hatano - I’ll be there on the 23rd, and I should be back to campus late on the 2nd, or early on the 3rd.

Hatano - Iranami, you know what you’re doing yet?

Iranami - …

Iranami - I… I should be on campus at least until the 20th…

Iranami - Really, it’s still up in the air…

Hatano - Ah…

Iranami - …

Iranami - Who all hasn’t shared, yet?

Kurokawa - I’ll go.

Kurokawa - …Not that I have a whole lot of definitive stuff to share…

Kurokawa - The school wants me to do something, like with Uehara, but Kisaragi is wanted back home for end of the year stuff.

Kurokawa - And Dad doesn’t like the thought of us traveling alone, at separate times,

Kurokawa - So I’m trying to get the school to let me run whatever they want me to do do online, on my own,

Kurokawa - Since it’s easy to do things on my own terms, and works with Kisaragi’s plans.

Kurokawa - Uhhh��

Kisaragi - Inori.

Kurokawa - Huh?

Kisaragi - Inori hasn’t been asked yet.

Kurokawa - Oh! Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

Kurokawa - Well, Inori?

Inori - I’m staying.

Inori - I want to be available for any emergencies brought on by malfunctioning gifts.

Yamaguchi - Free legal advice; you really shouldn’t be openly saying stuff like that.

Inori - I hope I get sued. 

Inori - I hope I get sued for my every penny and lose my financial security and my reputation and my medical license.

Yamaguchi - Jesus Christ…

Tsurugi - Aaand, I’ve got everyone’s schedule down.

Tsurugi - My family is close enough I can just travel for the day, so I’m not making a big trip, won’t really be gone.

Tsurugi - …Maybe I’ll run down tonight, actually…

Tsurugi - I miss my dog.

Uehara - I miss your dog…

Tsurugi - Do you want to come with me, if I go?

Uehara - You’re not going to head down there tonight, we both know this.

Tsurugi - …Okay, well now you’re not invited, soooo…

Tomori - Can I go with you? I miss Sunny too…

Tsurugi - Yes! We will go directly after class without saying a word to anyone else.

Uehara - I feel excluded by my classmates, I want to report this to my class rep…

Tsurugi - Suck it up.

Uehara - …My dear class rep is always so kind and inspiring.

Tsurugi - …

Tsurugi - Yeah, I can’t think of a way to keep this bit going.

Tsurugi - In all seriousness though, I want to go look at the market the upperclassmen are doing…

Tsurugi - It isn’t set up yet, but I thought it might be a good place to look around for gifts once it’s done?

Tsurugi - So I wanted to go and bother them after class.

Tomori - That sounds fun…

Tomori - We could have a day to go as a class and look around, just sometime in the next few days.

Mekaru - Is the market that big?

Tomori - No, but we could go out in town after…

Ōtori - Whoever got me should just gift me their eternal patronage of Ōtori Mart.

Kobashikawa - It’d be perfect if I were your Secret Santa… 

Kobashikawa - Even more reason to get coffee from the student store while you’re working.

Ōtori - …If you’re my secret santa, I’d like to request you cease your activity as a patron of the student store.

Kobashikawa - That’s bad business, Ōtori… 

Ōtori - I have other customers!

Kurokawa - Are any of them as dedicated and consistent as Kobashikawa, though?

Ōtori - It’s bad for his health to drink so much coffee!

Kobashikawa - …No.

Ōtori - Wh- you can’t just “no” your way out of the negative impact of multiple cups of coffee a day!

//Kobashikawa waves his hand at Ōtori dismissively.

Kurokawa - I for one support Kobashikawa’s choice to fund local businesses!

Kurokawa - Let’s ignore that the student store is an extension of Hopes Peak, and Ōtori Mart is wildly successful.

Higa - Consumers…

Tsurugi - Higa always has such amazing economic ideas, what a shame we don’t have time for them today.

Tsurugi - Okay, so we can talk later about shopping as a group, but I’m going down to the market today to ask around.

Tsurugi - …Ue, do we have a club meeting today?

Uehara - …No?

Tsurugi - …

Uehara - …

Tsurugi - …I will set a good example. I will go to my club meeting today even though I don’t want to.

Uehara - Wait, no, I think we genuinely don’t.

Uehara - Remember at the end of our last meeting, didn’t they say it was the last… until…

Uehara - …Until break is over, Tsurugi, why are you looking at me like that?

Tsurugi - …

Uehara - …You were not paying attenti-

Tsurugi - Yeah, no, not at all.

Tsurugi - Well. May the court records show that you lied to me if we get in trouble.

Uehara - Thanks, Tsu…

Tsurugi - Just kidding, we’ll fall together… get detention together!

Tsurugi - So, I’ll head down to the market when class is out, does anybody want to

come with?

Higa - No.

Mekaru - I’ll go…

Tomori - Same! It sounds fun.

Ōtori - I have a shift at the student store, but I think that’s on the way? 

Ōtori - I’ll walk with you all if we’re heading the same way.

Kobashikawa - I need to go to my dorm, personally…

Kisaragi - Same here.

Kurokawa - Hm… where’s the market?

Tsurugi - Last I heard, they were setting up in the Reserve section somewhere?

Kurokawa - Oh, I’m heading by the residential building, but I’ll walk with you guys to the gate!

Hatano - Iranami, do you want to go look at the market with everyone?

Iranami - …I…

Iranami - I actually need to run by my dorm and grab something, then I need to go…

Iranami - Sorry…

Hatano - Oh, it’s no issue!

Hatano - Is it something I can go with you too? Or walk you there?

Iranami - …No, it’s alright…

Hatano - …Okay!

Hatano - I’m going to work out at the Main Course facility.

Yamaguchi - I want to get started on packing, see if I need to get another bag…

Ōtori - Maeda, what are you planning to do?

Maeda - …I’ll go look at the market with everyone.

Taira - I have to go to a club meeting, but you all have fun~

Maki - Same, I’m busy with my club.

Tsurugi - …Ue, can you come with us?

Uehara - Uh… sure, yeah, I’ll go with.

Tsurugi, smiling - Cool, cool.

~*~

Maeda, narrating - Well, I won’t be able to watch Maki and see what she’s interested in,

Maeda - But maybe she’ll go with everyone else to look for gifts.

~*~

//We now have our first chance to explore the other plotlines we’ll be following! All options will be explored eventually, it’s just a matter of what piques your interest first.

{Follow Maeda and the others to the market}

{Make sure she’s on time}

{See if he’ll reach out today or not}

[sticksstonesandstars]

Our first sem had already ended a month ago and I have no more assessments or papers due but I still have some readings left. I'm actually half productive finishing them since I have only printed and finished some so there are still a lot. Nevertheless, I wanted to write this with the desire to tap my shoulder and appreciate myself for surviving one hell of a sem.

It was my first for college, for a degree I was not really knowledgeable, aware and sure of before. But, I was glad (idk if I'm 100% sure about this tho) that I let go of my scholarship and the science degree I thought I wanted to pursue. The financial help the scholarship can give me was actually tempting before and tbh, I regretted my decision the moment I made it. But I was reminded by my sister that if I pushed through with it, I would've been suffering more especially that now, I'm actually enjoying my degree despite the amount of essays and papers I had to write. Unbelievable, yes, but I think the essays or papers I had in my first sem equates to the amount of them I did during my senior high school. It was a lot like A LOT. Writing is my first love so my passion was there but it was mentally exhausting and it put so much pressure on me as I have my own standards in writing. There were even times when I wasn't satisfied with what I wrote. Still, I passed them even if they were half-assed, accepting the mental block I had and that was the most I could do at that time. I also came across a video on Twitter which yelled at me to allow myself to fail or mess it up and not be perfect. It was normal after all and I was lucky to have encountered that vid at the right time :)) There's also this one course which required like three to four essays a week and had a lot of readings along with the set module and it was very demanding and draining to finish all of them along with other readings and requirements from other of my courses. But after looking at my scores and reading some of my prof's comments, I knew my hard work was paying/paid off. I'm so happy I didn't give up on that (well maybe I did a little lol). And my grade for that course, I hope they bring happy news.

I also went through org applications and I was accepted and will officially be a member come second sem. I got to interact and be more close with Batch Ragsak yay! Applications were tough and draining since everything were fast-tracked but we made it! Got many sissies and brods now too, some of which are people I know from highschool or were CNHS alumni just like me hehe. I was able to help in relief operations led by my org as well.

It was a tough sem and proof was that it was the first academic related stuff I cried over (I'm sure there's more and it's not the last). Anyways, I'm still happy as I continue to learn and as my horizon continues to widen. I'm really looking forward to more info and knowledge I'll be able to pick up in the next and future sems even if they will also make me kinda give up huhu. I hope I will be able to retain them for long too (as someone who's memory is very dull). For now, I will be waiting for my grades. I will update this when I get to see all of them.

To whoever had the patience to read this, I hope you never give up. Slow progress is still progress. And don't forget that you're valid, you're not a failure and you don't have to always be okay. Take care of yourself, stay hydrated and healthy! Don't forget to take some rest too. Go slay whatever you have your heart set on. Cheers! 🍻

ud: YAYYY I GOT MY GRADES AND IM A UNIV SCHOLAR SO YEPP I HOPE IT STAYS FOR THE SECOND SEM TOO AND THE COMING YEARS. I'LL DO MY BEST, ALWAYS. 🌻

[a-kayy47]

Learning to Live

I never knew how to be on my own until it was the only option I had. My childrens father had pushed me past my limits. I had let a lot slide in our relationship of the last 7 years, the drugs, the cheating, the occasional beatings, but when I came home and find him in OUR bed with his little tart of a girlfriend and drugs in the house I was officially done! That was our one agreement nothing was to come into our home and be around the kids. I silently thanked God for never letting me marry that man. As soon as I walked in and saw that I calmly turned and walked out and into my daughter's room and started packing her stuff. "Anna she doesnt mean anything to me!" Johnny said as he entered Rayne's room. I scoffed "Isn't that what they all say, Johnny you know Im not even mad anymore. We haven't loved each other in a long time and the only reason I've stayed is because I never thought I could make it on my own. But being on my own would never be as bad as watching the father of your children and a man thats supposed to love you do this right in front of you're face." I said folding Rayne's clothes and putting them in her duffle bag. "Come on dont do this! The kids won't understand." Johnny said grabbing my arm and trying to pull me up. "Let go of me Johnny!" I seethed. "You're not taking my kids away from me!" He said tightening his grip on my arm. "Like you spend time with them anyway." I remarked which earned me a backhand to the face. "Go ahead Johnny slap me around some more it wouldnt be the first time, but it'll sure as fuck be the last!" I said through gritted teeth. That earned me a black eye and a bust lip along with a few cracked ribs I'm sure of. After he was done he gotdressed and left for his afternoon shift like nothing ever happened.

Setting against my daughters bed holding my newly brused ribs all I could do was laugh, how could I be so foolish to stay in a relationship with someone like this for so damn long! I had no more tears to cry. I pulled myself up off the floor and went back to packing my daughter's duffle bag, if I wanted to have our stuff packed by the time the kids got home from school I only had a couple hours. I finished packing Rayne's duffle bags and set them by the top of the steps and moved to Jameson's room to start packing his. After I got everything packed I carried the 6 bags down to the garage and packed them into my Tahoe. After putting the bags into the suv, I went and sat on the front steps waiting for the kids to get off the bus.

Three o'clock rolled around and the bus stopped in front of the house. I watched my two beautiful babies get off and run full force towards me. "Hey momma" Jameson my seven year old greeted me as he sat down beside me. "Hey babies how was your day?" I asked trying to be as normal as I could before I completely up rooted their lives. "Good. Momma whats wrong with your eye?" My 5 year old daughter Rayne asked. She's always been the one to notice the little things "Let's go inside babe and I'll explain everything." I told them getting myself up letting out a wince from my ribs being moved.

"What's going on momma?" Rayne asked. Jameson and her looking intensely at me. "I hate to do this to you babies but...we have have to leave. There is a lot about your dad that you don't know and momma feels that this isn't a safe place for you anymore. So we're going to go on a little roadtrip." I told them holding back tears and trying to make this 'little roadtrip' fun. "Where we going?" Jameson asked. "Where do you guys wanna go?" "Let's go see Aunt Brit!" Rayne said excitedly. "Yeah, I miss her and we havent seen her since she lived in Georgia and thats been like 2 years ago." Jameson replied giving me puppy dog eyes. "Well I guess I could give her a call and shee where she living now and if she'd be up for some company for a while." I told the kids. "Yayyy!" The kids high fived and celebrated with each other. "Okay, Now I already packed your clothes so go grab whatever else you want to bring and put it in the duffle bag that's laying on top of your beds. And remember we wont be coming back here for a very long time so get the stuff you absolutely cant live without. While you guys do that I'll call Aunt Brit." I told them and they scurried up the stairs.

Setting at the bottom of the stairs I dialed Britni's number. After three rings I get an answer. "Hello" Brit greets me. "Hey B how ya been?" I asked almost on the brink of tears. Britni and I haven't talk for a couple years ever since she found out about me knowing that Johnny was cheating on me and using drugs to her I was a fucking idiot and derserved better and she wasn't going to sit around and watch it happen. Good thing she didn't know about the occasional beatings. "Annie?! That you?" She asks halfing yelling. "Yeah it's me, this a bad time?" I ask. "Absolutely not! Let me step out of the garage so I can hear ya better. So what's up? How's the kids?" "They're good. But I do have a favor to ask." I tell her getting straight to the point. "Sure, anything for you and those babies!" She told me. "I'm leaving Johnny and I have no where to go." I muttered out feeling ashamed that it's took this long for me to leave. "Baby girl you know you and those kiddos always have a place with me. I'm just glad you finally left that basturd! I'm working at a garage out in Cali and got a two bedroom apartment just around the corner from the shop. You come on out babygirl I got you!" She told me which brought a smile to my face. Knowing that someone that isn't even related to me could be there for me at the drop of a hat. But then again she always has been since kindergarten. " Thank you so much. You don't even know how thankful I am!" I told her. "Shut your mouth bitch and get your ass out here I miss you and the squrits!" Britni said chuckling. "As soon as they come down from packing toys I'll be on the road! We miss you too something fierce." I told her hearing footsteps coming down the stairs. "Okay, I'll text you the address to the shop cause I'm here 75% of the time." She said inhaling sharply. I figured she was taking a smoke break while talking to me. "Awesome love you babe see you soon!" I told her standing up and turning around to see the kids standing there holding their backpacks ready to go. "Love you to babe. I gotta get back to work keep checking in through." She told me sternly. "Promise." I told her and we ended the call.



"Well babes it sounds like we're heading to California!" I told the kids laughing seeing their jaws drop. They've never been further than Georgia and that was the last trip we took. "That's clear across the country!" Jameson explained. "It sure is baby we have a very long trip ahead of us." I told them walking towards the garage. Coming from West Virginia to California was about a 40 hour drive with no stopping. "Alrighty do you have everything you need or want?" I asked one last time before we got settled in the car to start our journey. "Yepp we got everything momma." Rayne answered. "Let's get buckled in then and get going."

By now it was already 5 o'clock and we haven't even left the county. I figured we better stop and fill up with gas and get some snacks and about 10 ice coffees if I was going to drive through the night. By the time we got back on the road I received a text from Brit with the address of the auto shop she was working. Brit may be a bit ditzy but there was one thing that bitch was good at an that was fixing cars. She had the life that I had always wanted. Getting to travel all over, not being tied down, now don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and would go to war for them but it was never in my agenda to have two kids and an a steady boyfriend at 25 but there I was watching my best friend living the life I had always wanted.

After about the fifth hour of being on the road the kids was fast asleep and that gave me time to drown in my thought. Was I really doing this? Where the hell had I grew the balls to leave? I'm on my own rasing two kids. I'm going to be alone forever, no man in his right mind will ever want a plus size single mom with baggage. I mean I'm not huge at least I don't think so but after having two kids and a love for some good food I'm about a good 16,18 jeans of course my big ol' ass and hips takes up most of the room. And if I do say so myself I've got a pretty nice full rack, and have two full sleeves of tattoos which I've always got compliments on. That and my long black hair with my olive complexion is what first attracted Johnny to me. Wait fuck Johnny dont think about that prick. After that thought is when I turned on my favorite station and started to drown out my thoughts.

Stevie Nicks' voice filled the vehicle and pushed all the negitive thoughts out of my head making me focus on her voice and the road. After another 3 hours of driving I decided it was probably a good idea to stop and get a hotel room for the rest of the night.

Pulling into the rundown motel parking lot, I looked back at my two sleeping kids and thanked the lord of giving me such wonderful blessings even though their dad was a dick, they was perfect. Getting out of the car I opened Jameson's door first and gentley nudged him awake. "Wake up baby." I whispered. "Mommy where are we?" Rayne asked waking up rubbing her eyes along with Jameson. "We're at a motel somewhere in Missouri." I told them unbuckling Jameson then moving to Rayne. None of us slept well in that shitty motel but it was better than nothing. The next morning around 10 we got back on the road. I drove for about 12 hours straight that day and only pulling over at a truck stop to sleep. It wasn't that I was really watching my money since I had been saving all of my tips from the salon for the last 12 months for this trip and working at one of the best salons in three county I made bank. It was the fact that I couldn't sleep in hotels, everytime I would fall asleep I would wake back up thinking that Johnny had found us. Not that he would come for me but he'd come for the kids. This driving for 8 sleeping for 8 had become a routine for us for the last couple of days. And was working pretty well.

After four days of driving and sleeping at trucks stops we was finally in Navada. "Alright kids, you can get unbuckled let's go in and get some snacks!" I told them as I got out. Walking in the the gas station I noticed about four bikes on the opposite side of the gas pump's and smiled it had been so long since I'd been on the back of a bike.

"Okay, now you can get whatever you want but remember you have to eat good food before your candy." I told the kids. As they went picking out their snacks I grab a bottle of water and a blue powerade. When I gathered the kids up I noticed two of the bikers were standing in front of us in line. 'Sons of Anarchy' I thought to myself taking in the kutte. Hearing a Scottish accent they drew my interest more, making me think of Brit she was always a sucker for a man with an accent especially a Scottish one. I watched as the men payed for their gas and cigarettes and walked back out to their bike.

Putting our stuff on the counter for the cashier to ring up and prepaying for gas I handed her cash and picked up our bag.

I got the kids settled into their seat and the snacks passed out then I went to pumping gas still kind of being to nosy for my own good. I couldn't help it though there was something about those bikers that drew me in. As I was eavesdropping I heard the sexiest voice I have EVER heard. Peaking over the pump to see where that husky voice was coming from I looked into the darkest eyes I've ever seen and from that moment on I was hooked. All I got was a subtle wink and I was weak in the knees. I finished pumping and got back into the car and immediately called Brit to tell her about this dark eyed mystery man.

000000000000000

"Talk to me. " Brit answered after the third ring. "Holy Shit I think I'm in love!" I said with a smile on my face. "What the fuck are you talking about? You smoking again?" She asked full out laughing. "Bitch this ain't funny I'm dead serious! We locked eyes over the gas pump, his eyes were so dark it was like he was looking straight to my soul!" I told her with excitement. Good thing the kids had their headphones on so they couldn't hear me gushing about this mystery man. "Chick you really are sex deprived aren't you." She replied to the statement. "Yes but thats beside the point, Im fucking serious. Plus he was with a MC, had Sons of Anarchy on his kutte, along with the other three that was with him. And his friend had an Scottish accent so I can bang dark eyes you bang the scot!" I said acting like we was in highschool again making a plan on how to bang these random guys we didnt even know. All I heard on the other like was Holy Shit and Britni laughing hysterically. "Whats so funny bitch?" I asked "Was you in Navada when you seen these guys?" She asked me. "Yeah why?" I replied confused as to how she knew that. "You'll see when you get here horndog." She said laughing and then hung up. I looked at my phone disgusted. What the fuck was this bitch talking about? Now not only can I not get this mystery man out of my head but now Im thinking about what I'll have awaiting me when we get there.

- In Charming

Brit's POV

Hanging up with Annie all I could do was laugh, Bitch had no idea what she was walking into. As I was walking across the lot from the garage to the clubhouse the guys that we had just been talking about pulled in. "Hey baby how was the run?" I asked my ol' man leaning in for a kiss. " Good as can be expected lovey." He answered in that deep Scottish accent I love oh so much. "Whats goin' on here?" He asked wrapping his arm around my shoulders and leading me into the clubhouse. "Well...there is something I need to talk to you all about." I said sweetly. "What did ye do know lovey?" He asked taking the shot of whiskey the prospect gave him. "You remember me talking about my best friend Annie and her kids? And how her kids sperm donor is a piece of shit and beats on her and is a druggie piece of shit?" I asked getting angry and clenching my teeth just thinking about what all he's done to her. "Easy there darlin' might blow a fuse." Tig joked. "I just hate his fucking guts. She deserves so much better." I told them. "Okay well what about her?" Chibs asked trying to get me back on track. "Well she finally left him and she'll be here." I was telling him before my phone interrupted me. "Well actually she's here now." I said with a little chuckle. "Listen don't worry she knows how this life works, we grew up in my Uncle's clubhouse so she knows the part and let me tell ya she plays it way better than me." I said laughing. "Well fellas I guess lets go meet the lass." Chibs said as Happy and Tig followed us out to the lot curious to see whonthis Annie was.

ANNIE'S POV

I pulled into the lot and it was stepping back in time. It reminded me so much of Uncle Tommy's clubhouse. "Alright darlings we're here." I said letting out a breath I didnt realize I was holding. "Mommy why are we here?" Jameson asked. "This is where Aunt Brit works. We have to meet her here first then we'll follow her to her house." I explained to both of them. While the kids were getting unbuckled I quickly checked my hair and put on some mascara and chapstick. I took one more quick glance in the mirror and saw Britni followed by three guys making their way toward us. I decided it was time to get out, as I got out I pulled the distressed demin shorts down a little in the front so they wouldnt look so short and pulled my shirt up a little so I wasn't showing so much cleavage. "Bitch!!" I heard as I was opening the back door for the kids to get out. I automatically got a huge grin as soon as I heard her voice I had been to damn long since I had seen my best friend. I turned around and immediately stopped when I seen him. It was him dark eyes from the gas station! I was frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest! As I stood standing there like an idiot the kids took off running to Britni.

"Hey kiddos! You've gotten so big look at you!" Britni said talking a good look at them.

"I'm seven now Aunt Brit!" Jameson told her a little cocky. "Well you're almost a man!" Brit said with a slight chuckle. When I heard her laugh I snapped out of my trance and started paying attention to the exchanges between my children and the Aunt they haven't seen in years. "And look at you babygirl I can't believe how beautiful you are! I'm so glad you took after your mother and not your ugly ass daddy." She said laughing and looked at me. I just rolled my eyes and laughed. Why don't you kids go play over on the swing set while me and your momma talk?" Britni said looking at them. "Can we momma?" Rayne asked. "Go on." I said smiling and kissing both of them on top of the head before they took off running for the pay ground.

"How was the trip?" She asked pulling out a cigarette and handing it to me with a look knowing that I needed one. "It was good the kids were great. They're actually excited about starting over." I remarked taking a hit of the Marlboro red. "So you gonna introduce us to this beautiful women or what?" Tig said looking me up and down. "Shut up Tig you pervet fuck!" She told him. I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Annie this is my ol'man Filipe or Chibs as most people know him by." She said with a smile plastered to her face. "Nice to meet you!" I said as I studied him a little better, then my eyes went wide! He's P the guy with the accent I thought to myself. " Aye, nice to meet ya lass I've heard lots about ya and thee rugrats." He said with a smile shaking my hand. Yepp that's confirmed, I thought to myself. "That pervet there is Tig." "Nice to meet ya doll." Tig said as he grabbed my hand and kissed it. Dark eyes just rolled his eyes at Tigs gesture. "And that's Happy the grouchy fuck." She said and looked at me with a shit eatting grin on her face. My heart stopped. I could not believe that he was here she knew exactly who I was gushing about! That bitch. "Hi." I said shyly. All I got was a head nood but that was good enough for me.

[wonhuis]

hank u! i got a 5 lol, so everything is good for now. Rn i’m studyin english, like in depth but a few years ago I was studying literature and philosophy and since i did 3 (almost 4) years i didn’t want to lose all that work but i didn’t take some finals so they sent me a mail telling that i needed at least one okay. i loved exo m but my bias is chanyeol lol, i think both cheol and him can be very loud sometimes (most of the time!) and i love that 1/? 🍰-sss

and i don’t follow nct a lot so i can’t give u an answer. such mood! rn i’m listening to some horror stories (podcast style) ah yes, some songs are meh, i really liked the reve festival day 1 (most of the songs). i hope u can be able to play gta soon, it’s a old game but i love stealing cars(? i started to watch it, so far so good but i’ll give u my final review when i finish it. 2/? 🍰-sss

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST! i love love love that anime, both versions. 2003 one has a special place in my heart. ahhh all of those are really amazing ones! i remember ouran was one of my firsts mangas. currently i’m trying to collect the yu yu hakusho ones. kyoukai no kanata is still my fav anime, i remember i watched it in one day before my sociology final lmao. and then the movie! i wanted to make a svt/knk kind of edit but im lazy! 3/? 🍰-sss

jun’s pink/lilac hair was iconic!! such a good look, his whole aes in clap era had such a strong energy

reposters have no respect, unfortunatelly a lot of people that are into social media just want numbers but they don’t even work hard for them. bc alright u care abt the amount of followers u have, at least do smth to earn that. but no, they just steal bc it’s the easier way, honestly such a disgusting move. gfx, gifs, fanarts, etc take effort, talent and time. it’s really sad that some people don’t appreciate that, damn a lot of them sound like ignorants 5/6 🍰-sss

(reminds me of when my great aunt told me literature wasn’t a valid major to choose, smh. not everybody want to be a lawyer karen). !!! the foot fetish omg jfbsdfs. and don’t worry! hahah i luv ya, we can ramble and share our hate towards twitter. how is your weekend going so far?? 6/6 🍰-sss

yayyy, that’s great!!! i’m happy for u 💕💕 ohh i get it! i’m glad u could do well on this one then!! CHANYEOL! YES! A HAPPY BOY!! u cant write chanyeol without cheol so that’s cute LMAO and yessss they’re both rlly loud!!! god i love chanyeol but i can never see him next to baekhyun without feeling anxious bc of the shippers lmao right now not as much as a few years ago but i still got the trauma lol and!! idk if u know but noses are my fave thing ever right and chanyeol has one of my fave noses in kpop i love it :/// i used to cry about his nose as much as i cry about vernon’s now lmao 

oh i don’t remember if i actually listened to the albums lmao idk but sometimes if i dont like the title track i feel rlly unmotivated to listen to the whole album :/ also what did u think about psycho? to me it kinda felt the same as umpah umpah like i enjoyed the song but it kinda sounded more like a b track? also as i was listening to it and watching the mv it reminded me a lot of an ending song? like not an anime ending sort of song but like a goodbye song if it makes any sense lmao like goodbye by 2ne1 or lonely by sistar idk wHY BUT the album actually has the word finale in it and i was actually shocked to see it but it made sense in my head lmao

stealing cars is amazing but i actually like it more to punch random people on the street :/ i have anger issues and sometimes i do wish i could do that irl but i CANT so i do it in the game lmao also shooting random ppl god i LOVE it, love me some violent games where i can do whatever i want and then pretend i’m sane irl LMAO

fma is my fave thing in the world after my cats and maybe tied with pjo i LOVE that anime/manga and you’re completely RIGHT the 2003 version is just as good the 2009 ver supremacists are wrong bc both versions are amazing and they complement each other really well!! oh ur so brave to try collecting a whole manga lmao like it’s my DREAM but i only have bits and pieces of some of them bc i mostly buy them second handed

KYOUKAI NO KANATA I LOVEEEE, did i mention it on my list or did i forget? either way i LOVE that anime, i’ve watched it so many times it’s one of my absolute faves!! also i’m rlly sad there’s absolutely no english translation for the light novel i think? i searched a few years ago and couldn’t find anything, i’d love to read it even if i don’t usually read light novels lmao and god i fully support you and ur gfx idea but i do understand 100% about being too lazy to do it lmao i’ve had a gfx idea i wanted to do for the longest time but i’ll be SO hard and it’ll take me so much time i’m just zzzzzzz lmao

god jun in clap era was rlly something!! the hair, the outfits, the earring, ahhh i miss it lmao

reposters can just fuck off honestly lmao and yeah!! i’m rlly grateful my mother always allowed me to do whatever i wanted to when it comes to college so i never had that problem, but i’m rlly sad about every artist who got told that art isn’t a “real job” or stuff like that, same with stuff like literature/philosophy/sociology like some professions get sooo neglected it’s sad :/ 

also i do wanna thank you for letting me ramble and never complaining about it bc my friend (the only friend i talk to, in fact) always tells me that if he were u he wouldn’t read half the things i write lmao and he does indeed NOT read half the things i tell him lmao bc like i talk a lot and ramble a lot but not everyone is like this so i’m sorry if i’m making u talk more than u are used to but also thank you for doing so akdjnfsd

and my weeked was pretty ok i think? i dont rlly remember what i did, might have just slept a lot lmao but i don’t have any complaints either! what about yours??

also i’m going to the beach for a couple of days with my friends this week so i’m exciteddd i love the beach and i was sad thinking i wouldn’t go anymore, it’ll be for 3 or 4 days only but that’s already something!!

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

10.07.2017 – Journal; The Wave.

The internet’s chaos reflects our mind’s chaos. I think it’s why it’s so hard to focus when using the internet. I feel my ability to procrastinate goes well goes beyond my awareness. I don’t even know what I’m procrastinating right now. Stand-up? Writing stand-up? I’m not procrastinating exercise – I’ve been doing that but am I using it to procrastinate doing other stuff and it’s giving me the illusion of productivity? I wish I could write material like Stanhope, Hicks, Bruce, Sun, C.K., Lee, Burr, Power, etc. But it’s when you try that nothing comes out. You just suck. If you try to be overly clever like Stewart Lee you sound retarded and if you try to be dark like Stanhope you sound fake. Seems forced. I’m too much in my own head right now. I’m pissing around in my mind. I’m avoiding fear. To be progressing is to be terrified and to be terrified is to be uncomfortable and right now I’m comfortable as fuck. Fear is the thing to look for. I know exactly where it is. But I’m not facing it because I’m a coward.

I had to snap out of it just then. I was sitting, scrolling mindlessly through my newsfeed listening to a WTF podcast episode and I wasn’t even in my own brain. I was fucked. I mean I was listening. But not really. I created this limbo state where I don’t have to do anything or engage in anything fully. Like families that watch TV while they eat. 2 things happening at once, both senses being stimulated – it removes you from reality.

Still a tiny part of me that misses smoking when drinking (I’ve quit smoking). When drunk you smoke constantly. The 2 combined creates some freedom from reality. Or maybe a distraction from reality. Add music and enjoyable conversation and you’ve got yourself some sweet relief. It’s probably a load of shit and I’m nostalgic.

Being young, you don’t do enough because you think you’ll live to 80 – you think you’ve got time. You have 60 good years on average. Years 70 – 80+ seem like shit if your body’s a mess. My life’s already a third done. Depressing. What the fuck’s is this existence? I’m surprised people aren’t all in psychiatric wards. How are we all not lying in beds by the millions just going - ‘What the fuck dude?!’

I’m a terrified person. I’m terrified of nearly everything. You say this out loud to people and they react like – ‘Come on mate? Why you being a pussy?’. How’s it that people can be so well adjusted? In their tight bodies and tight clothes. How is everyone so OK with everything? We’re all afraid and we’re all bored. That’s why we all drink. Liquid courage mate. That’s what frightens me – that people are OK with this. That’s a true horror movie. I think maybe that’s why I watch horror movies. They tell you what’s scary and you go ‘yay or nay’ all the while the true horror is the reality that your sitting in to watch the film.

I don’t even know if I’ll actually die. Maybe some weird shit’ll happen. I’ll probably die. It’ll be as if nothing ever happened. My whole life - nothing but a dream. Nothing but a meat computer freaking out for ‘x’ amount of years. I’m banking a lot on my Christian friends getting me into heaven.

The Wave

Excerpt from Facebook messenger:

Me: your in the original hoooooooooooouse?

Her: Yes Come pound me

Me: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah im coming

Her: Yayyy. U know I'm menstruating

Me: i know

Her: Yaaaayt

I loaded my phone with mostly Radiohead. Some of my favourites; 4 Minute Warning and Videotape. 2 utterly emotionally obliterating sad songs. The depressive thoughts from yesterday leaked into the current day. I wasn’t in the mood to fuck. But being a dude… of course I jumped on the opportunity.

I got the train to the city. Feeling emotionally horrendous. I started to consider the fact that even when I keep good mental hygiene; meditate, exercise, drink less, smoke less, go to bed at an OK time, wake up at an OK time I still inevitably feel very depressed throughout the day. But without reason. I can feel real dark without thinking about anything. Not suicidal, just very low. Do I have a chemical imbalance? Who knows but I’ll never take your fucking pills Mark Zuckerberg! Fuck you man! I have my reality straight. Hold the rocks.

Ironically the more depressed I am the more I write. Not much inspiration comes from a happy mind. It’s because if you’re sad you must get it out of you. You need to release something. Most people are content just to tell their close friends their problems. But I must smear them all over the internet like shitty graffiti in a public toilet. At least I put a lot of time into editing.

On the train, I read the book my girlfriend bought me for my birthday. I Swear I’ll Make It Up to You by Mishka Shubaly. A memoir by a musician, poet, artist, alcoholic, friend of my favourite comedian, Doug Stanhope, and writer of some of the best drinking songs/songs I’ve ever heard.

So far, it’s a fucking brutal read. On the train, I read about how a shooting happened in his school when he was a bit younger than me. Some wayward punk kid that was a bit weird and intimidated everyone asked this guy, Mishka, if he could get him a gun. Being in America I guess that’s not such a weird question. Mishka thought nothing of it and got him a gun. The next day he shot up the fucking school. Wounding a bunch of people and killed a kid and teacher. I read this while Thom Yorke wailed in my ears.

It took forever to get to her house. One of the trains cooked itself and I had to go back to the city and catch a tram. The longer the journey became the dumber I felt. I eventually got there. She came and let me in and took me to the lounge room where her friend/roommate was.

I sat down on a camper bed on the carpet. They were in the process of moving house. I was introduced to her friend and immediately forgot her name.

‘Want a bong?’. She asked laughing.

‘Sure’. I said.

It had tobacco mixed with the weed but I didn’t give a fuck at this point. I asked if it was strong – they laughed and said I’d be fine.

I smoked the bong carefully. Going slow as to not start coughing all over the place.

They said they’d been high for 3 days. All day. I asked how they felt. ‘Terrible - like we’re losing our minds’ – they laughed. ‘I know what you mean’ I said.

I started talking to her – just mundane shit really. Her personality was all over the place. She’d jump from one emotion to the next. One topic to the next, have an opinion and contradict it flippantly, tell you to shut up and the cycle would repeat. I couldn’t tell if it was her version of fun. It felt kinda stressful. It didn’t feel real. Was sort of thrilling but so is nearly slipping down the stairs and catching yourself. Felt like her personality was sand slipping through my fingers. I was high.

She commanded the lounge room like an MC with strong energy but lacklustre material, like she was MCing a gig she didn’t give a fuck about… Too 2 stoned people. I tried to engage with everything she said as per usual which was jarring to the situation.

Her friend was so calm. Sitting upright in the middle of the room hugging a pink water bottle. She had big thick glasses and a cute fringe. One of those fringes that’s straight the whole way around, they’re always cute. She was so relaxed sitting next to this ball of intense energy.

I smoked a few more bongs. The nicotine lightly coursed through me. I was high but still in control. Didn’t feel horny or calm, or relaxed. Somewhere In the middle of all those things. Unpleasant.

Eventually I had to comment on this girl’s insanity.

‘What’s going on dude? What the fuck is this? You’re all over the place… are you OK?’. I asked.

Her friend answered for her – ‘Hey man just relax… it’s just like… how do I explain this… you know when you’re on drugs yeah…?’

‘Yeah?’. I said.

‘Well… you know when something fucked up happens when you’re on drugs… and you think… like… oh no… I’m having a bad trip… yeah?’. She said.

‘Yeah…?’. I said.

‘Well you know… you just ride it out yeah? It’s like a wave. Like a wave at the beach. She’ll look at you, say you’re pretty and a good person, then she’ll snap and be like fuck you! Then she’ll go hang out with Bubby (her cat). Then she’ll go on her phone. Then it’ll repeat. Again, and again… like a wave at the beach yeah?’

‘Yeah I think I see what you mean…’. I said and slowly turning to her, half in horror half in fascination.

Her face softened. Her mouth readjusted around her braces. Adorable but now a little scary. I was looking at her differently. I looked in her eyes as hard as I could manage. It was freaking me the fuck out. Kinda made me sad. I realised looking at her I didn’t really want to fuck. Not tonight anyway. I’d prefer just to talk. But talking seemed like work right now. She seemed so insane in that moment.

I’m endlessly attracted to crazy girls. Don’t know why… and when I say crazy in no way am I saying I’m normal. Or more normal than her or anyone else. I don’t want to be overly harsh - I feel mean saying she’s crazy. Maybe she was going through some shit that night? It’s just how I felt at the time.

There’s something so attractive to me about an unstable mind inside of a cute body and face. I could see myself committing and putting up with this insanity for the high that came with being around someone like that. It freaked me out how open she was about her selfishness - ‘I only care about myself’ she said. It made me feel alone.

Crazy in the head, great in bed. That’s what they say isn’t it?

Why? I think it’s because it’s the opposite of intimate. If you’re crazy it’s like you’re not even there half the time. Ever talked to a crazy person? There’s no consistency. You tend to treat them unlike a real person, even if subconsciously. It gives you confidence because you feel like no one’s recording this shit -  their consciousness is flawed, they have a faulty memory emotionally and generally. So, when you fuck a crazy girl and she’s wailing on your dick like it’s a sexy exorcism you feel like you can try shit you’d usually be afraid of trying. Not because you’re on the same page but because she’s in a different fucking book. My first long term girlfriend was completely mental - the sex was great.

If you’re on the same page and you know each other it can be awkward to give away your kinks. Because you respect each other. I don’t want to tell my girlfriend what I want if it’s a bit fucked. We’ve got to have muesli in the morning and look each other in the eye. Obviously, I just have a lot of intimacy problems.

It seems people are one or the other. Super open with strangers. Totally comfortable with their sexuality, having a sick time, fucking a bunch of different people. Do they have long term committed, monogamous partners? No. Long term excitement with a singular person seems hard to maintain… or people don’t really believe you if you say you’ve achieved it. It’s fucked dude. It’s like everything’s in the dark. No one has any real answers. Because you get mixed messages from both parties. No one seems to have a common truth. No one seems to have sorted it. The closest I get to truth are in Doug Stanhope’s bits. But is there a complete answer? No. I don’t so.

All this shit I’m whinging about is pointless. When I drink too much and nothing else is going wrong I think my problem’s drinking. If stand-up isn’t going well I think that’s the cause of my trauma. If sex is a problem, If I’m shit with money - It’s a rotating fucking wheel. It’s a wave at the beach. It’s the same for everyone I think. No one’s sorted we just get better at not giving a fuck.

We went up to her room. Because she had her period she chucked a black blanket on top of a bare mattress to keep it safe from the blood. We sat down. I tried to emulate and reflect her insanity back on her.

‘Tell me about your tattoo, what does it mean?’. I asked, pointing at her thigh.

‘…I don’t know what it means I only got it the oth – shut up, too slow!’. I interrupted.

‘What’s the longest friend you’ve ever had?’. I asked, talking quickly.

‘…Um I don’t know … like what do you mean?’. She replied.

‘Shut up who cares. You’re very pretty’. I said, mirroring her bi-polarisms.

‘Are you doing… me!?’ She asked, almost shouting. And fell forward, head onto the bed laughing.

‘Yeah I am. What’s it feel like to be on the other end?’. I asked.

‘I don’t know… no one’s ever done that to me before’. She replied.

We both lay on the bed and looked at the carpet. It was a mess of general bits and pieces. Classic miscellaneous, abstract rubbish you get when you move house. We looked at the bland carpet landscape in stoned fascination. I wasn’t even fascinated to be honest. I just needed something for my brain to latch onto.

She picked up a tiny piece of cylindrical plastic and sort of planted it into the carpet. It stood amongst the carpet trash like a lone cactus in a desert. We then picked up 2 tiny rocks and a bit of blue-tac and placed it around the base. Bizarrely it was almost fun. She took a close-up photo of our sculpture and uploaded it to Instagram with a caption like – ‘$500 to who can guess what this is’.

I edged closer to her. I wanted to touch her but I didn’t know how to start touching her. What’s the protocol on casual sex? When’s it weird? Too affectionate? Or not enough? I have no fucking idea. I’m new to this.

She pulled up her big red jumper to reveal her butt and humped the bed animatedly without saying anything as she flicked through her phone.

I guess that’s invitation enough? Surely… Although I still didn’t touch her. I made ridiculous conversation. Asking her weirdly personal questions. She answered them though. This quickly peated out and she interrupted my bullshit and said - ‘Alright now stick your dick in me’ and spread her legs. I just laughed and said ‘What the fuck man? Are you serious?’. ‘Yeah’ she said. ‘Can I kiss you?’ I asked. ‘No. Just fuck me’ she said.

She picked some music to fuck too, flung her phone away and lay her head face down on the bed.

I held her head down on the bed by her neck.

I tried to generate a dominant state of mind. But the situation was too distracting. The wave. The sand-like personality. The insanity. The weed.

I tried to pretend I hated her. Maybe that’d make it easier to fuck? Fucking shameful of me I know.

I started fingering. Getting into somewhat of a rhythm. Trying to discover a clit from the opposite angle. I felt quite horny now. I felt the adrenaline start to build inside me like last time. I could smell the metallic blood smell from the period.

I realised that I wasn’t getting hard at all. It freaked me out. I started spinning out in my mind. The more I tried to get hard the more impossible it seemed. A weird feeling. It was like when I have dreams that I’m in a fight but can’t throw punches and when I try to throw punches they’re in slow motion and soft. On paper, there’s no reason this situation wouldn’t turn me on. So, it confused me and time was running out.

‘What are you doing?! Just fuck me already!’ She half shouted, slightly muffled, her mouth on the mattress.

I managed to muster a very meagre, mid-strength boner. A boner like a doomed child actor. So much promise and potential but little did it know it was going to crash and burn before it could reach maturity.

I jumped up and removed my fingers from inside her. Being stoned I’d totally forgotten about the period. I looked at my fingers in confusion for a moment and then remembered. I grabbed my jacket haphazardly, making my headphones clunk onto the floor and my book fall out. I threw my jacket onto the mattress. I went to reach into the pocket but stopped again noticing the blood on my hand. I used my other hand which felt unnatural. It took forever but I eventually found the pocket with the condoms.

The last time we fucked. I hadn’t used a condom. This time I was so over prepared it was hilarious. I had a roll of roughly 8 condoms and 2 packs of lube! It reminded me of the time I went for a job interview to be a Lollypop Lady, helping kids cross the street. I went to the interview casually dressed. The only other guy being interviewed turned up in a suit. Ridiculous I thought but he got the job.

I took my pants off to reveal a very underwhelming, lukewarm boner. I tried to hide it. I got back to fingering. But it felt stupid. I gave up and started laughing. I leaned on my side.

‘Dude… I’m really sorry… but I just can’t get hard. It’s really weird… this hasn’t happened to me before...’. I said.

‘Yeah it’s OK. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it’. She said very quickly.

‘… Are you sure I can’t kiss you?’. I asked.

‘No’. She said.

‘OK…’. I said leaning back. Trying my best not to look at my depressed looking dick.

We lay there for a bit. She started playing with her nipples. Both pierced. She told a story about them but I forget the details. The atmosphere in the room softened. I almost felt relaxed. I started to get hard. One final attempt maybe? But it was short lived – my dick retreated. I lay there feeling a combination of intense melancholy and emptiness. I said sorry a few more times and we got in the shower.

I felt a disconnection to her. To everything really. Standing in the shower I let my vision blur. I put my hand close to the spout. We had some mundane chat about the soap and I zoned out. Everything went out of focus like a depressing abstract painting, grey, white, black and her light pink silhouette. Maybe this is where Rothko got his inspiration.

‘Are you depressed?’ – She asked.

‘Um… yeah… sure’. I said absent minded.

‘Are you?’. I asked.

‘Hehe… sometimes’. She said.

I dried myself. Put my clothes back on and sat on the mattress. In hindsight, I should’ve left straight away… for everyone’s sake. But for some reason I just sat on the mattress looking depressed like I just got my Uni results and I’d failed everything.

We said a few more things. She answered while flicking around on her phone.

I jolted back into reality, said sorry for the 20th time and started to leave. We said goodbye. She told me not to worry about what happened.

I walked out the front door and checked my phone. I had like 9 messages from my mum.

‘Liam. When did you do the Ketamine?!’ ‘Liam answer now!’ ‘Please answer!’. I laughed to myself and put my headphones on.

(To clear up. 2 posts ago I briefly mentioned I tried the classic drug Ketamine. I went into no detail. It’s not that interesting and it wasn’t that important of an experience. I talk a lot about suicidal, depressive, nihilistic thoughts in a post in-between that one and this one. I think my mum thinks they’re connected – Ketamine and me being a whining, depressed fuck. It’s hilarious to me how irrelevant and bad timing her pestering about the Ketamine was. It’s sweet though but Mum I’m fine.)

I headed back to the city with a fierce hunger to get obliterated drunk. I wanted to forget everything. I headed to a bottle shop.

Saw a guy wrapped up in a blanket. 2 longnecks wrapped in brown paper either side of him. Sitting right outside the bottle shop. Bottle to his lips and swinging back and forth like Stevie Wonder minus the smile and sun glasses. I looked at him enviously. Soon I thought… soon I could be like him.

Standing in the bottle shop it dawned on me how high I was. I pulled a shoelace undone with my foot. A wave of self-conscious stoner worry rushed through me – did that just look retarded? Do I look super cooked right now? I leant down and tied my shoe. It felt like minutes. While I was down there I could hear reggae quietly plodding away on the store speakers. I turned to the shop keeper dramatically. He looked me in the eye very non-cholent. It relaxed me. I started to browse the beers. Bought 3 longnecks and left, heading home.

The train line was intermittently replaced by busses. I had to wait at a station for 20 minutes while the next train came. I had 2% battery left on my phone. It was cold. The longnecks clinked in my plastic bag as I walked along the platform. I went to the toilet – not even needing to piss and contemplated drinking a longneck in the cubical to pass the time. The door didn’t even have a lock and the Protective Service Officers lurked around the station constantly. I was already high. I decided against it. But I craved it so fucking hard.

My phone died as I was listening to Myxomatosis by Radiohead. The song that sounds like all the FIFA games from the early 2000s. I felt retarded. I kept reading my depressing yet very good book until the train came.

Got on the train. Kept reading. Got off the train and moved quickly. Looking at any shrubbery or bench that I could enjoy a late-night beverage and not be interrupted by the bouncers of the universe – the police.

I walked quickly down the street. I crossed the road and thought I’d heard voices in my head. This used to happen when I was super depressed and would walk around the streets of Hobart high at 2am with no purpose, no direction, just trying to not think about anything. Trying not to think about girls I liked and trying not to think about death. I had a little tin that originally held breath mints. I’d fill it with rolled ciggies. I’d smoke 1 every 15 – 20 minutes. Not really enjoying them and I’d listen to Joy Division. I went to the school on the corner near my house. A place with a huge stretch of grass. Perfect for public drinking. You want a good vantage point like a sniper. So if someone’s going to interrupt you have time to get away.

I drank the Melbourne Bitter longneck as quickly as I could while my eyes adjusted to the small amount of light so I could read. It didn’t taste that good. I looked at the Melbourne Bitter logo and said – ‘Yes… I feel very bitter… and I’m in Melbourne’. Which is ridiculous. Implying that Melbourne is the reason for anything bad that’s recently happened. But I guess it’s what our dumb brains do -  simplify shit. The words of a comedian I really admire rang in my head - ‘Don’t go to Melbourne you’ll fucking hate it…’. Thanks for your encouraging words Tim Logan.

I started saying my thoughts out loud. I said – ‘oh yeah no I get it… I get how people become this! Homeless… just drinking on the streets swaying back and forth. Talking to people in their heads.’

In a way, it felt kind of liberating. The idea of living on the street. Normal people pretending not to notice you. Smashing long necks and selling recycled, re-rolled ciggies to other homeless people. Sitting on the street writing my journals while passes by filled my beanie with enough change to fill my MyKi enough to go to an open mic and back. That’s the dream, isn’t it?

A comedian at a party once told me about this philosopher Eckhart Tolle. When he was younger in his late twenties he was going to kill himself, but decided to live in his local park for a few years and loved it apparently. It allowed him to enjoy his existence. Now he’s a successful philosopher – if you can believe that. No idea if any of that’s true.

Even though you could hardly call it ‘being in nature’ the soccer pitch I was sitting on, after a while, started to give me that feeling you get when you go camping. You know when it starts to get dark and you feel yourself getting sleepy at like 8pm? You feel comfort being around the nature.

I kept drinking and reading. The book hit me hard. It made me clench up and moan and push my back into the wall. The whole evening depressed me. I’d smashed 2 longnecks in the space of 15 minutes. I was sufficiently numb. I saved the nicest longneck for my girlfriend, closed my book and headed home.

Excerpt from An Attempt at A Novel – From 2015

This one time I walked up the garden path out of boredom and, I don’t know, loneliness and found three young boys that when I asked what was going on all simply poked out their tongues to show very small, singular square pieces of paper. I’ve never had a question answered with a tongue being poked out. They all disappeared and I was left with this quiet but friendly guy that didn’t say much but gave you a lot of attention.  We sat watching the TV in the lounge room. I think the cricket was on or something. We weren’t really watching it but that’s where our gaze inevitably fell. It’s weird how nowadays people just chuck TVs everywhere; waiting rooms, hospitals, dentists, malls, kitchens, bathrooms, cars and even their own lounge rooms. The Television pretty much governs a lounge room. It’s the ruler of the room. It’s a portal for any occasion, whatever the weather, whatever the time, even when there’s nothing desirable on the fucking thing. It’s like noisy incense that lets off way too much smoke and chokes the mind. But at the same time gives some disgusting feeling of comfort. I don’t know why it makes me so angry or sour, I guess it’s just how casually people turn them on and put them places, especially when they don’t even have the sound on and people in waiting rooms blankly look at the screens while their kids play with the shitty toys provided. Its external meditation; meditation that gives you no calmness but makes you a vegetable for a bit. We were watching the television, or at least looking at it. The lounge room was messy pretty much 80 percent of the time.