#more of a slow burn but also pretty tasty

[voidwhump]

having thoughts about forced haircuts

[aticklishpercivalwriter]

Home (is wherever I’m with you) -fic

Link to Art (chosen by Perz), (credits go to @buffkagome (anby ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚) on Twitter!): Sethos/Scaramouche

Summary (by Perz): Just them being lovey dovey, ticklish boyfriends :)

Perz: Another submission by @vaporized-dimsum! This time a fic! I want to express my gratitude and deep thanks to her for this gift and allowing me to post it here for all of you to enjoy! Couldn’t stop kicking and crying at how cute this was, so aah!

Word Count: 2609

Also on AO3!

—

The Temple of Silence, as one might expect, is a quiet place. Wanderer is quick to grow fond of it compared to the racket of The Akademiya. And of course, seeing Sethos in his home and amongst his friends and family was a pleasant sight too. Not that he would ever tell him that though.

The elders adored him and were always fussing over whether he was eating enough, and the kids never seemed to leave him alone. Since Wanderer was to remain in Sethos’ presence for the duration of his stay, that meant he was fussed over and never left alone either. It was… nice.

Playing with children was like a muscle he hadn’t stretched in a long time. Still, even after centuries it felt as though it was second nature.

Sethos’ heart swelled watching Wanderer interact with the little ones. Letting them play with his hat (no, he wasn’t jealous at all), bringing him things to levitate with his Anemo Vision, chasing him as he hovered away at a slow pace. The cherry on top was the sweet sweet smile on Wanderer’s face that he managed to hide pretty well until the very end. Sethos likened it to catching a shooting star for witnessing it himself.

“What’s that look for?” He muttered when the elders called the children to them.

Ah. He’d been caught staring again. Sethos chuckled. “You’re good with kids. It’s real cute.”

“Hmph. They’re simple creatures, easily entertained. It’s not difficult to manage them.”

Sethos opened his mouth to quip but a little one had called his name. He turned and got down on one knee as they approached him. Wanderer let himself stare now that his back was turned. The intricately styled braids in his curly hair. The gold accessories and freckles. Down past his broad shoulders to his spine where his clothes parted into a tasty back wind—

Oh?

Sethos patted the child on their head as he graciously accepted the golden Sumeru roses they had gifted him. One for him, and one for their guest. He was pretty sure this little one had developed quite a puppy crush on Wanderer too. Sethos grinned watching them go. He totally knew that feeling.

“Wow, Hat Guy. You’re popular wherever you g- IIEHEHE—!”

The squeal bounced off the four walls and left a deathly silence in its wake. Both green and indigo eyes were wide with surprise, but Wanderer’s were quick to narrow deviously.

“What was that all about?” He asked with the innocence of a kitten despite his curled fingers.

Sethos cleared his throat and stood up clumsily, “A-Ah, well one of the little ones entrusted me with gifting this to you. Pretty, isn’t it?”

He shows Wanderer the gold rose and to his relief, it actually does distract him. Temporarily anyway. Enough that Sethos, against his better judgement, comes closer to tuck it behind his ear.

“It looks good on you with your dark hair.”

Wanderer feels his face grow warm, “If you say so.”

Like magnets, they draw closer to each other until their lips nearly brush.

“Was that you I heard laughing, Sethos?” Said one of the adults in passing.

The two of them broke away swiftly, cheeks burning. “U-Uh, yeah! Just me!”

The woman in the doorway chuckled, “It’s been awhile, hearing you get all giggly like that. Your grandfather loved to tickle you and cuddle you when you were small. It was so cute!”

“Really?” Wanderer echoed.

Oh no.

“Tell me more. Sounds pretty interesting.”

Sethos waved his hands wildly, “H-Haha! Okay well that’s nice! You can go now, Aunty!”

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop embarrassing our great and glorious leader.” She bowed to them and as she walked away, she looked over her shoulder, “And to our kind guest, do be gentle with him. He really never outgrew how ticklish he is.”

Sethos gawked at the absolute betrayal by one of his own people. Desert aunties didn’t mess around. Sure she probably changed his diapers and bathed him but—

But he didn’t have much time to dwell on it with Wanderer’s eyes pinned to him. “Never outgrew it, huh?”

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Can’t we talk about something else? Or… finish what we started?”

Wanderer’s hands instinctively tug his shirt to pull Sethos closer for the kiss he didn’t get but he stops him halfway, “Not here. We can go to my room.”

“How scandalous.”

“Well if you don’t want me to kiss you, you’re welcome to not come with me.”

Wanderer rolls his eyes and follows after him. The living quarters are like a labyrinth of hallways but Sethos navigates them with no troubles. His room is full of leathery books, a few TCG decks, colorful handmade quilts, and a blooming mini succulent garden- courtesy of his friends, no doubt. It’s a bit messy, but full of life and an irresistible coziness. Wanderer feels right at home here despite this being his first time stepping foot in it.

Sethos now tugs on his wrists and sits him on his bed before diving in to kiss him silly. Wanderer can’t get a word out about how desperate and hot and bothered he’s acting but he doesn’t mind one bit. Being caged between his arms and eaten alive has never felt so wonderful.

Wanderer laces their bodies as close together as possible, and eventually, his fingers trail down his back to that sweet patch of exposed skin and—

Sethos all but squeals in his mouth. When he breaks away with wide crescent eyes, there’s a thin string of spit connecting them.

“Oh, I’m gonna devour you.” Wanderer growls playfully, licking his lips.

He doesn’t know how but Sethos quickly finds himself hoisted onto the bed and pinned under him. He hardly gets any protest in before that awful fluttery sensation runs all over his exposed lower back. And with Wanderer seated on his legs, he’s not going anywhere anytime soon no matter how badly it tickles.

And it’s bad.

“GYAHAAHAHAH- wait- wait! Not there! Not- baahahahah!”

He muffles his laughter in his pillows and blankets. Wanderer doesn’t know if he likes that or loves it. Sethos flails his limbs uselessly when he switches from fluttering to pinching and spreading the skin along the knobs of his spine. And when he scoots down to press into what’s practically his tail bone— that gets him howling.

“AHCK- oh SHIHIHIIHIHHIT! Hat- Hat GAHAHAAHAHAAHUY! I can’t!”

“Can’t what?”

“CAHAHAHAHAAHN’T TAHAHAKE IHIHIT! PLEHEHEEHHEHEASE, IT’S BAHAHAD!! IT’S SO BAAHAD!!!”

“Is it?”

“YEHEHEHES!”

“That’s a shame. I quite like this spot. You’ll just have to deal with it, little bee.”

“Nohohoho! Ihit’s really —KYAA!! WHAT IS THAHAAHAHAHAT?!”

“A dusk bird feather that I found in this book.”

“Jeheherk! I was using thahat as a bookm- MM! Mhmhmhmhm, stohohohop ihihihit! Lehemme tahahahalk! Honeehehey!!”

The soft plume licked and curled against his back, and his giggling was sickeningly sweet when it came to feathery tickles… Wanderer scoffed, “I’m barely even touching you.”

“Bahahaharely touchihihing is still touchihing!”

“Hah. That aunty of yours was right. What would your followers think if they heard their dignified leader giggling his pretty little head off, hmm?”

Sethos whined as he pressed his face further into his pillow and hugged it tightly, shaking his head in protest. The curves of his ears were burning up.

“No point in hiding it, little bee. I’m about to make you buzz nice and loud.”

He’d hardly processed what Wanderer said, let alone how it made him feel. Actually, that happened a lot faster. Because suddenly, his fingers were scribbling viciously into his armpits and Sethos screeched.

“NAHAAHAHAHAHAHHA! OH, MERCY!! HONEY!!! MERCEEHEEHEEY!!!!”

“I’m afraid I’m not much of a merciful guy.”

“ARCHOHONS! PLEHEHEASE!! I’LL BEG- IHI’LL BEHEHEG!!!”

“Oh? I do like the sound of that. Go on then. Beg me.”

He thrashed from side to side, pinning his arms down and trapping Wanderer’s hands in that tortuous spot. No matter where he went, the sensation followed. Unbearable and so so good, although he was pretty sure whatever words he did manage to get out weren’t in any intelligible language.

For all his bucking and twisting though, Wanderer decided to sit up just enough so Sethos flopped bonelessly onto his back before he locked him in place beneath him once more. He squeaked in protest as Wanderer stole the breath right out of his lungs. His tongue against his, his teeth tugging on his bottom lip, he felt like he truly was being devoured.

And he never wanted it to stop.

If he wasn’t human, would he be able to kiss Wanderer forever too? Without needing to breathe?

Sethos weakly clutched Wanderer’s wrists as his hands cupped his face, pulling with no strength whatsoever, “Hah- Hon’- please… air. Ngh— air. Can’t bre…hah…”

Wanderer pulled away and was convinced he could get off on just the sight of him. The dizzied and delirious look on his face. Warm brown skin and teary green eyes glittering like emeralds. That stupid stupid smile, shiny and red with spit and bites. His chest heaving.

What a sight to behold.

Sethos hiccuped, “Now w-who’s the one sta-aring?”

Wanderer caressed his face gently, thumbing over his cheekbone and puffy bottom lip until Sethos swiped his tongue against his skin playfully. Then hiccuped again. Cheeky brat.

“Looks like you’ve still got some fight in you.”

Even the buzz of his words against his lips tickles. Sethos licks the seam of Wanderer’s mouth, hiccups, and grins.

“I could do this all day, honey.”

“Figured you’d say that. Now let’s do something about those hiccups.”

Wanderer’s hands slide down his face and along the rise and fall of his chest. The hills and valleys of each rib under his coasting thumbs makes Sethos chortle desperately. And when Wanderer presses into the dimples of his hips, he all but melts.

“You like this spot, little bee?” Wanderer asks playfully with his spidery scribbly touch.

“Noho-HIC —I lohove ihih—HIC- it!”

Oh it’s awful. Sethos’ hips jitter and jump the more his hands draw inward towards his crotch. There’s a pulse point on an artery there. Humans, Wanderer knew, were chock full of weak spots.

And Sethos is endearingly human.

“Aww, thahahanks, honey. Tha—HIC—t’s real sweeheet.”

Wanderer blinked, he must’ve said that last part out loud. He stills his fingers and finally lets Sethos catch his breath.

Soon enough, Sethos crawls into his lap and plops his head on his thighs like a spoiled kitty cat. He sighs so contently, like Wanderer was the comfiest spot in the whole wide world. He nearly purrs when Wanderer runs his fingers through his hair.

“Mmm… that feels so good. Keep going please.”

“Pfft. This is how you treat your guests? Shouldn’t you be spoiling me?”

“Was obliterating me not enough? You’re the spoiled one.”

Wanderer rolls his eyes, continuing to massage his scalp and caress his face. He scoots back so they’re both more comfortable and now also blanketed. The boy in his lap might as well be a sentient pile of slime condensate.

“Honey’s skin’s so smooth…” Sethos coos, “And cool to the touch, too.”

He nuzzles Wanderer’s inner thigh with his cheek before humming a pleased sigh. In an instant, the sensation makes Wanderer clip his face between his legs, making them both yelp.

“I was so comfy…” He whines, “What’s wrong?”

Before Wanderer can even answer, to his dismay, Sethos puts the pieces together all too quickly. “Wait a minute-“

“No.”

“Are you?”

“I’m not.”

He’d responded too quickly both times, telling Sethos everything he already knew.

“You are, aren’t you! You lied! I knew you were lying!!”

Wanderer backs away to the foot end of the bed but it doesn’t put much distance between them before Sethos squishes him beneath his torso. Those green eyes are sparkling with a newfound discovery and revitalized mischief.

“You lied.” He states confidently.

“Like I’ve never done that before.” Mutters Wanderer, “Get. Off. Don’t you DAHARE—“

The weight he put in his elbows topples Wanderer the moment Sethos’ hands slide under his shorts and squeeze. The tingling ripples out from his thighs like his laughter in the room.

“FUHUCK! Sehethos!! Get ohoff! No- HYAH!”

He bonks his head against the footboard and then Sethos’ head too when he wedges his way into the crook of his neck. So close to the Electro mitsudono on his nape. The raspberry Sethos planted sparked his nerves into haywire.

“You keep your secrets close to your chest, huh?” Sethos grins. “Lucky for you, I’m great at keeping secrets!”

“Pihihiss ohohoff! Get your lips ohoff of mehehehe!!”

One raspberry twines into another all along his neck. And as it turns out, that weak spot on Sethos’ hips is just another thing they both share, his fingers climbing higher and higher into his shorts to scribble at it.

“Who’s got the most kittenish little meow meow laugh? Honey does! Honey does!” Sings Sethos, blowing gentle puffs against Wanderer’s ears.

“Shuhut uhup! Stuhupid little BEEHEEHEE!! NAHAAHAHAHAHA!”

“Huh, never realized your shorts have cutouts here.”

His hands felt so nice gripping his little waist, and yet all Wanderer could do was throw his head back laughing helplessly, “SETHOS! Dohohon’t! STOHOHOP IHIHIHIT!!”

“Don’t stop it? You know I’d never deny my honey anything.”

In addition to the warm glow of his cheeks, Sethos noticed certain patterns on Wanderer’s skin began to glow as well. Up his arms and legs, converging at his chest and even twining around his neck too.

“So pretty…!” He murmured enchantedly.

His fingertip traces along the patterns of light on his skin, following them everywhere they led. They seem to shine even brighter as he did so. And Wanderer’s giggles so adorably, Sethos almost stops.

Almost.

“Cuhuhut it ohout! Whehere do youhu thihink youhu’re touchihing?”

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cuter!” Cooed Sethos, “Do you light up when you’re feeling something intensely?”

“Ihintehense annohoyahahance, maybeheehee!”

“Aww but you seem like you really love being touched like this. You get all giggly and kittenish.”

If Sethos didn’t know any better, he might’ve briefly thought Wanderer was glowing pink. It seemed that this was Wanderer’s fear because he was quick to wriggle just enough out of Sethos’ arms to flop onto his stomach. In his worming away though, Sethos spotted the source of all his enchantment. The mitsudono on his nape.

“Ohh, is this where all the light comes and goes from?” Ponders Sethos, “Can I touch you here?”

“Haven’t you touched me enough?” Wanderer grumbles.

He spots Sethos move his hands away from him and even begin to give him some space. So his shit eating grin makes him want to forcibly remove Sethos from his own bed when Wanderer drags his hand back to his shoulder.

His hair covers some of the mitsudono, and Wanderer shivers when Sethos gently brushes it to the side. He’d always been aware of how the mark branded him. Sometimes it even felt like hot iron pressing into his skin. So when Sethos gently pecks it, Wanderer can’t help but jolt.

“Did that hurt?” Asks Sethos worriedly.

Wanderer buries his head in Sethos’ blankets. The scent of him nearly drowns out his boyfriend’s voice. He shakes his head.

“No, it didn’t. It… felt nice.”

Sethos sighed with relief, “Oh good. I’m glad. In that case…”

Wanderer’s shoulders jump as Sethos spoons him and smushes his lips against his nape. “Mwah mwah mwah!”

He clearly has no intentions of letting him go with how tangled together their limbs are. “Quihihit it!” Wanderer scoffs, “Araharen’t youhu tired of thihis yet?”

Sethos hums happily against his skin, “Of you? Never.”

[hattersarts]

gomens s2 thoughts, all spoilers!

I spent 10 hours talking to my housemate about the season after we binged the whole thing in the morning but here are the highlights and the biggest takeaways from the season.

okay i did love the ending, i love that we get the conformation of love AND going into the divorce arc next season (if they're not properly together by the end of season 3 however, i am rioting) they're slow burn and a whole season of them getting to the final 10mins was tasty.

HOWEVER. it was an extremely clunky season when it comes to writing, lots of either set ups missed OR set ups repeated 4 times that they're drilled into out heads. there was also lots of dialogue that really needed to be tightened up. the lesbians were so poorly written i thought they might have needed to be cut BUT they just needed to have more bearing on the rest of the plot AND say things like real people would say things and LITERALLY SHOW ONE SINGLE REASON WHY THEY WOULD LIKE EACH OTHER WITHIN THE FIRST EPISODE.

gabe/bulz romance was the one that should have been cut, have them do more of a oh-my-god-my-boss-sucks kind of thing, lean into them complaining about having to avert a civil war after armageddon stopped and touch on the "structural problems" the angels mention later. Have gabe/bulz be super punished for working together which puts huge fear into az and crowley about what happens if you try to team up as an angel/demon pair (but an extra reason why az takes the job at the end so he and crowley can be the same)

imo it works more if the only mirror of their romance is the HUMANS which should lean into themes to season 3 of how they need to team up with humans (re:"us vs them" line at the end of season 1) to actually achieve their happy ending.

Nina and maggies best scene was their last one telling crowley he needed to talk to az but i think that was one that needed to be cut, it would have been far more satisfying to have crowely work out it out himself that he loves az and wants to tell him (still via maggie and nina but more subtle rather than them telling him to his face AND via spending more time with az in the season)

flashbacks were all pretty good, loved the jobe one and that final "lonely" scene. the nazi one needed some trimming the most (why did all three come back to earth, it made scenes too crowed, have them fight to be a zombie)

shax was disappointing, she was kind of just incompetent the whole way through which didnt make the stakes very exciting, (that whole scene of her talking to the legion was unfunny and pointless) i wanted crowley to mentor her more like when he gave her advice in the first few meetings we saw (kind of in a very non-demonic way, not expecting anything in return) and her to then meet him on equal footing in the finale. would have been a little accidental taste for Crowley to have his good deeds come back to haunt him while showing he's different to demons.

speaking of the finale fight, that halo had NO set up, it was sick as hell but ??? the fuck did that come from. the fight should have been won by az and crowley performing another HUGE miracle together, discorporating the demons (which then would alert heaven and hell something was up in the bookshop and the final scene can happen)

az taking the job from metatron was very good, its consistent with his character where he still hasn't let go of his faith in good/god, he's only been upset by the angels running heaven and still has faith in the system while crowley has realised none of it works and it's only them together that matters. it was nice to show he still hasn't truly accepted crowley for who he is now (tho imo he knows he loves him, he just hasn't quite unrepressed himself) and him not turning down the job after crowley confesses to him shows he still thinks he can fix it. Crowley on the other hand thinks he's now lost him, az has broken he the trust he had in him, he's going to be in big depression mode

few thoughts of good directions for S3:

finally delivering on what crowley said at the end of S1 I think is the most satisfying. the final showdown should be humans Vs heaven/hell with Crowley and az on the human side, helping them win the conflict. there would be suggestions that this is actually god's ineffable plan, this is a conflict she wants to happen and the things that Crowley and az went through are what make them perfect ambassadors to help the humans.

the set up for az in S3 to finally work out he and Crowley can't work out within the unfair rules of the system and for him to abandon heaven (tho not I think, becoming a demon) is good. a sucky ending imo for season 3 is if az somehow "fixes" heaven and via bureaucracy and not via blowing it all up.

growth moments for Crowley in S3 might be having more contact with humans since he's already abandoned hell and it would put az & crowley on similar footing (as az very much loves humans already) when they decided to side with humans for a humans Vs heaven/hell conflict.

anyway, gay people

[colleybri]

Cassian’s kitchen, Space Brownies and lying (badly)

In episode 2, Cassian comes home to a really awkward atmosphere - Maarva knows that he’s fucked up somehow because she’s seen the PreMor “wanted !” bulletin, but he doesn’t know that she knows … and she maintains a frosty silence to see if he will be honest with her. He isn’t. But sensing that something is up, Cassian heads into the kitchen and grabs something to eat. In the snippet below Diego Luna explains the influence for this idea.

Thanks to the 4K BTS features, we can see the Andors’ kitchen in glorious detail. I think that what Cassian might be eating is whatever is under the cake dome. Looks suspiciously like brownies to me. Something chocolatey and tempting anyway. Makes lying so much easier when you can self-medicate with one of these delicious morsels. 

Space Brownies ™. (May contain pistachios.) Perfect for munching on while lying (badly) to a parent. Now I want to bake them.

More on Cassian’s lying below…

I think it’s so ironic and genuinely funny that Cassian and Brasso go to all that trouble of constructing a really fantastic alibi, only for Cassian to kind of abandon it. For a man who becomes such a good liar by the time of Rogue One he really is pretty hopeless at it in these early episodes, at least with people close to him.

The reasons why are interesting though. His first chance to use the alibi is with Bix. But she knows him far too well and he knows that she knows him far too well - so he doesn’t even try to lie well. He wants something from her and just wants to get straight to that . When she asks what happened to him, he simply says “I fell”, and they both know it’s lame bullshit. She’s wryly amused and he simply doesn’t care. And she gets the great “On what - a jealous husband?” burn and he doesn’t care about that either. Bix is used to him lying and he’s used to her doing him a favour no matter how he behaves. He takes her for granted and is genuinely disrespectful on occasion. 

But with Maarva - who also knows him really well - he has genuine respect, and a fear. He really wants her to be proud of him. He kind of starts with the Brasso lie: “ I ran into Brasso last night. We had plenty to talk about…”. But all he gets back is the tight-lipped “Hmm, sounds fascinating!” and “You’ve been busy!” and a squeak from B2EMO that lets him know Maarva has given the droid an instruction to stay quiet. So Cassian can 100% tell that she’s onto him in some way but keeps going with the lies in the hope of getting out of this. And re the wound on his cheek?… “Oh this!” (gives a hilariously awkward little chuckle) “… I was helping Pegla and I tripped on a cable”.

What’s really interesting here? He changes the lie completely - to describe a situation where he was being altruistic and helpful. He wants to make her proud of him. 

This is how Andor does its storytelling so brilliantly. Tiny little details like this that give away so much about Cassian and his relationships. And the other main characters too. It’s why I lose patience with people who describe the opening 2 episodes as boring or slow. Like Cassian and the space brownies, we are eating something rich and tasty.

[baratiddyappreciator]

The Baki Cast Cuddle their S/O on their period (SFW)

I'm on my period and shit sucks so I figured I'd write some very self-indulgent fluff, NSFW post coming up soon for the lads and ladies I swear. Also idk if it's just me but I turn into an outright carnivore when I'm on my period. Chocolate, sure, but like, meat?? Meat snacks??? Gimme that shit.

Baki: His arms were wrapped around your chest, avoiding contact with your stomach entirely, his lips pressing softly against your temple as the corny action movie played on the TV, mostly unwatched as he was busy whispering in your ear about how he was sorry he couldn't do much more than just hold you close for the time-being, but that he promised to get you something tasty for supper, Musashi was somewhere outside, probably lounging in a warm patch of sun on the concrete. You'd never been more jealous of a damn dog before in your entire life. Baki nuzzled the back of your head, gently rubbing at a spot on your hip with the pad of his thumb, trying to soothe any aches and pains that might have settled in before your attention was drawn back to the movie, it looked like the action was finally kicking in. The both of you watched the events unfolding on screen for a moment before he spoke up, tone entirely full of confusion.

"Did... Did that priest just turn into a velociraptor??" He asked in such a tiny vulnerable voice it almost made you want to laugh, but all you could do was nod solemnly. "Dude... That's like, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." And he was right, it really was. "Baby, I want you to know that I love you, even if you can't turn into a velociraptor." He said, before kissing your forehead, leaving you to scoff and roll your eyes in amusement.

Kozue: She sniffled, her box of kleenex practically empty by this point, the both of you snuggled up under her comfy blanket, temples throbbing with the headaches that had come on from crying all day. You didn't even remember why you'd both started crying, but clearly it had been needed. She looked over at you, and reached up to tuck a lock of your hair behind your ear, sniffling lightly, her eyes red and puffy. The skin on her cheeks was blotchy and tear stained, but she was still so pretty. One of the prettiest people you'd ever laid eyes on, actually. She sniffled again, tears welling up as she cupped both of your face in her hands, bottom lip trembling as she stared deep into your eyes, your own emotions welling up in response.

"Honey you're just so... You're so... You're just so pretty." She blubbered, and like that, you both started crying again, hugging tightly and sobbing messily, though she did pull back, still crying, to look up at you again with a trembling bottom lip. "Why are you crying? Pretty girls like you shouldn't cry!" She sobbed, completely ignoring that she was also a pretty girl and shouldn't cry.

Hanayama: Your back hurt. You'd been complaining about it all day. Your upper back, your lower back, your neck, just your entire back hurt and felt out of whack. But right now? Right now, you were on cloud nine. Hanayama had just given you the most powerful back massage of your life and put a heating pad on your back while you were laying on top of him, his large hands still kneading at your lower back to soothe any remaining aches. You could probably fall asleep right then and there, but something was keeping you awake. Not that you could figure out what it was. Maybe you were laying weird, maybe you were both too warm and too cold at the same time, or maybe it was something else, but you were fairly sure that Hanayama assumed you were dead to the world. He paused in his massaging to rub up and down your back soothingly, not pulling the heat pad off yet, though you knew he would soon to avoid your skin getting burned.

His face leaned up slightly so he could kiss the top of your head, thumbs returning to their slow, gentle massaging of your lower back muscles, a heavy but comfortable silence reigning as sleep desperately clung to the corners of your eyes, your eyelids becoming heavier as you started fading off to sleep. "I love you baby." He mumbled, kissing the top of your head off, and that was just the edge you needed to drift off to sleep.

Chiharu: You'd been laying in the same spot for a few hours now, and he was getting worried. He hesitantly approached, his only line of defense clutched in front of him like a shield. He knew that a blanket and some candies wouldn't necessarily protect him, but it might give him enough time to appease you and check to see if you needed anything. Your head slowly turned as he stepped on a creaky part of the floor, and he smiled nervously as your gaze locked on him, slowly approaching some more. "H-hey doll, I brought you something." He attempted, your eye locked onto him. Was this it? Was this how he was gonna die? Your hand reached out towards him and made lazy grabbing motions, and he had to hide his exhale of relief. That had been a close one.

"I tossed this blanket in the dryer so it's nice and warm for you, and I've got some sweet treats and a nice warm water bottle for your stomach." He said, approaching cautiously to avoid provoking your ire. You were like some sort of horrifying beast, lying in wait, ready to strike. He offered a nervous smile as he gently draped the blanket over you, earning a groan. He softened. "Do you want me to rub your legs baby? You look sore." He offered, the horrifying beast turning back into his sweet beloved, wrapped up in a blanket and needing some serious TLC.

Katsumi: Food. He had food. You knew he had food, he just wasn't giving it to you. The suspicious looks you were shooting at him since he'd come home from his parents place smelling of brownies had him visibly sweating as he busied himself around the apartment. He tried distracting you with blankets, pillows and snacks, even a back rub and a nice hot bath, but the suspicious glaring persisted until you two were getting into bed for the night. He'd stood in the doorway sheepishly, hands held behind his back as he toed at the floor, refusing to meet your gaze. You didn't even need to ask, because he caved in. "I've gotta admit something, and I think you know what it is." Your eyes narrowed further.

"Mom did send me home with brownies." He said, and your glare sharpened, but he raised his hands in surrender. "BUT! But, they're not baked yet. She didn't have time to do that part. I kept trying to find the time to put them in the oven for you, but you kept getting suspicious." He admitted, coming to kneel beside you by the bed. "Can you find a way to forgive me baby? I promise I won't withhold brownies from you ever again." He said sincerely, holding your hand. You couldn't stay mad at that face, now could you?

Jack: He couldn't stand it. You both looked and sounded miserable, laying on the couch, back turned to the outside world, sniffling, coughing and occasionally letting out tiny whimpers and groans. It was like being kicked in the chest by a guy twice his size. So there he was, sitting on the floor, his chin resting on your shoulder as his large hand rubbed up and down your spine as he asked you what he could do for you to ease your discomfort. Pressing tiny kisses to your shoulder, he rumbled as he gently wrapped his arm over your shoulders so he could wipe away a frustrated tear from the corner of your eyes, turning your face slightly so he could kiss your forehead, resuming the gentle back rubs he was giving you.

Your cramps didn't let up easily, however, and you only started crying more in both frustration and pain, leaving him to stand and lean over you, kissing your pounding tembles as he rubbed between your shoulders. "Hey, don't cry sweetheart, I'm right here. I'll make it better for you, I promise." He muttered, walking around to the other side of the couch. "I'll be right back with something to help, you don't need to tough this out on your own." He said softly, tucking your hair behind your ear and smiling down at you.

Kosho: It was one of the rare moments where Kosho pulled you into bed and let you get comfortable first, prioritizing your comfort above his, even if it meant that he only had a little bit of mattress left, his fingers rubbing little circles above your stomach to ease the cramping muscles, kissing your temple as he held the blankets close to your chin, practically tucking you in with himself right there. He'd retrieved a glass of cold water for you before, the glass sitting on the bedside table just within reach, the smell of lavender and vanilla emanating from somewhere in the other room, presumably some wax melt he'd put on. He kissed your temples again, arms stilling.

"Well? How are you feeling?" He asked, earning a sleepy hum. "Do you want a snack? A drink?" He continued, not giving you the time to answer before he was kissing your forehead and cheeks. "Just say the words, I can do it for you." He promised, kissing your forehead, only to then notice you reaching for the glass of water and realize that he'd been pinning your arm as you tried to grab the glass for a drink.

Kureha: He'd walked in to find you, a puddle of misery on the couch, disgusting, wet sobs leaving your lips from both the pain and the intensity of the emotions you were feeling. He took one look at the writhing mass of pathetic beneath the blankets and sighed, hanging up his coat and wordlessly walking past you towards the bathroom, and then the kitchen, returning to your side with a cold glass of water in one hand and a few pills in the other, the edges of a pad peeking out of his pocket and a pair of clean pajamas over his shoulder, staring down at you over the rims of his glasses, a brow cocked, waiting for you to acknowledge him. He promptly nodded at your hands. "Hold out your palm." He said, depositing the pills in your palm before he held up the glass of water to your lips. "Take these, they'll help a little with cramps." He ordered, and while you obeyed, he started lifting things out of his pocket.

"You're going to want to get changed into these, they're warm but breathable, and you're going to put this pad on." He ordered, watching you stare up at him, sniffling pathetically. You reminded him of a wet cat. "Don't look at me like that, I can't stop the discomfort, but I can make it easier to deal with." He said, clicking his tongue, a slight flush to his cheeks.

Retsu: The whole house smelled like herbal tea, a spread of meals sat in front of you that you didn't think you could finish if you were given an entire decade. Deserts, sat at the furthest end of the table as Retsu sat behind you, lifting another spoonful of soup to your lips so you didn't have to pull your hands out from beneath the blankets and do it yourself. As a matter of fact, he told you outright that he just wanted to spoil you and make you feel better. This was a bit much, but the soup was delicious. All because he'd noticed a single drop of blood on your underwear. "Come on, eat up! There's plenty of nutrients and vitamins in this soup broth that will help ease your cramps and give you energy!" He said, even though your cramps hadn't even started yet. They hadn't had enough time to start yet.

But when you'd told him that, he'd simply grinned. "The best medicine is prevention, the extra nutrients are good for you regardless." A kiss was pressed against your forehead, the bowl being moved aside and a small desert brought up to you. "Some sweets for my sweet, to lift your mood." He said, and you had to admit it, the man was doing a great job at making you feel better already.

Doppo & Natsue: Doppo hadn't had a daughter, though part of him had always known that he'd be the best girl dad in existence. But now, the two women in his life were suffering through their periods together, and he was about to be beaten into submission by only their harsh glares (pleading glances) and evil demands (requests to come cuddle). He was a karate master though! He was strong! He would resist their evil wiles (Attempts to get him to cuddle for a few minutes because their show has a new episode released)! And yet, he found himself yawning as he dramatically slinked onto the couch, throwing an arm over each of his beloveds, grinning at the both of them roguishly.

"So, how are my two lovely demons today, hm?" He asked, and the glares he got in return sent a chill up his spine. "Hang on, I'm just joking, you know I love you both very much, I'm just trying to lighten the mood." He said, trying to defend himself, but it was too late, as pillows smacked his face from both sides. he was strong, but the two of you were clearly stronger.

Shibukawa: For once, he was being really sweet. Oddly sweet. Suspiciously sweet. You didn't want to trust his gestures of affection as genuine, but you would take them as much as you could. Hot soup, a warm blanket, a gentle back rub. It had all been very sweet as your cramps caused you more and more discomfort. You couldn't understand why he was being so sweet until you opened the bedroom closet to find that the shelving units had all collapsed, leaving clothes and your pads to spill out all over the floor at your feet. He could hear the wooden frame crack beneath your grip, his smile staying in place as you turned around, some hulking, frightening beast full of rage. He should have just come clean about the shelf having fallen before you woke up.

"Now now, no need to get upset, I'll clean it all up and fix it, I promise!" He said passively, sipping at his tea as you slowly approached. "You don't have to lift a finger to clean up the mess, I'll take care of all of it, I promise." He said calmly. Of course, he didn't want to mention that he'd been plotting a prank the entire morning and hadn't realized that you'd be getting your period. He simply sat, arms outstretched for a hug, hoping to lure you into a cuddle so he could claim it was an accident so you wouldn't bite his head off.

[ramblingoak]

The Cardinal’s Bride, Chapter 5: Copia

~ A Romantic Adventure in the Old West: After being forced into a marriage with Mr. Saltarian by your father you are sent west to his estate in Nevada.  Along the way you end up meeting one of the cowboys you have always fantasized about... ~

~~ Please visit The Outlaw Brides Masterpost to catch up and read more stories from this world ~~

Thank you to @tasty-ribz for the wanted poster!  Lots of other amazing people have done fanart of Cowboy Copia so please go check it out: @meowsaidmissy (1 / 2), @snail-shell2335  here, @vahvco here, @ghulehgwen here, @rabidghoul here, @nocterish here, @enjoy-my-swearing​ here, @blacktie-whitenoise (1 /2) and from valkyrieinpink on twitter.  Also a huge thank you to @kissingghouls for aggressively holding my hand and letting me scream at her about cowboys.

Cardinal Copia x Female Reader: alternative universe, slow burn romance, gun violence, blood, NSFW, 18+ only MDNI, 8,200 words for this one

Aether hated being left behind.

He hated this situation especially because of who was with Copia and his friends.  The second he saw Mary he knew something stupid was going to happen.  Stupid shit followed Mary around like a shadow.  The fact that Copia was just going along with what everyone knew was a trap pissed him off to no end.  Then there was the fact that Copia left him at camp to fucking babysit.

Babysitting Sunshine was like trying to pet a feral cat.

“Sunshine, what are you doing?”

She had been digging through the saddlebags they were using the stolen stagecoach horses to carry.  All he got for an answer was a grunt so he grabbed a small rock and threw it at her.  That earned him a hiss, but otherwise she remained quiet and continued making a mess.

“Hey, we might have to make a quick retreat here.  What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

Aether groaned and threw another rock.  

“It looks like you’re making a mess.”

“Your cooking shit is still everywhere so maybe take your own advice.”

“Yes, well I’m picking up my cooking shit, you’re dumping clothes everywhere.”  He reached down for another rock but this one she caught and launched back at him, barely missing his head.  “Damn it, Sunshine, I’m ju–.”

“Don’t worry Dad, I'll pick it up.  I’m looking for some clothes.”

“We don’t have time for you to play dress up.”

“They’re not for me.”

Aether glanced over to the tree line where Copia’s ‘Principessa’ was waiting.  She looked nervous, she’d been looking nervous all morning ever since her and Copia came back with Mary.  He hadn’t been able to tell if it was all because of Mary or if something had happened between her and Copia.  Judging by the looks they had been exchanging he was pretty sure it was a bit of both.  He sighed and looked back at Sunshine.

“Well we definitely don’t have time for her to play dress up.”

“Stop worrying, it won’t take long.  We’ve got to get her out of that dress.”

Aether raised an eyebrow and looked back over at the Princess.  Her dress had definitely seen better days, but so had everyone else’s clothes.

“Another week in that thing isn’t gonna kill her.”

“Yeah well, the smell might kill me so she’s changing.  Plus this will make it easier for her to walk and ride.”

“We all smell, Sunshine.  Get over it.”

Unsurprisingly, she ignored him and started holding some shirts up to look them over.  Aether wasn’t trying to be an asshole towards the girl, but he also didn’t want her getting too comfortable.  In one more week they’d be back at The Ministry and they could hopefully arrange for the switch for the ransom money.  The end of this was so close and he didn’t want to deal with having to chase her around again.

“You’re just making it easier for her to run away.”  Sunshine just laughed at him and shook her head.  Aether watched as she finally set aside a shirt and a pair of pants before shoving everything back into the bags.

“I’m sorry, have you seen the way Copia and her have been looking at each other?  She isn’t going to run away again.”  Aether walked closer as she shook the clothes out.  He wasn’t sure whose pants she had grabbed but that looked like one of Swiss’s shirts.

“Of course I’ve seen it and I’ve tried to talk to Copia about it but he won’t listen.”  He crossed his arms when Sunshine just rolled her eyes at him.  “What?”

“Good luck getting Copia to back off, I knew he was doomed as soon as I saw her picture in the paper.”  She turned to head the Princess’s way, but Aether reached out and grabbed her arm, backing off with his hands up when she turned to growl at him.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re up to, but you need to just leave it alone.  Leave them alone and don’t encourage anything.”  Goddammit he was getting really tired of her rolling her eyes at him.

“That’s the problem with you guys, none of you have a romantic bone in your body.”  She took a step towards him and jabbed her finger into his chest, he saw the shirt drop out of her hands and sighed.  That was definitely Swiss’s.  “All I’m doing is giving her a little hand with things, ok?  Besides, if we get ambushed here or wherever it’ll be easier if she’s not tripping over that goddamn dress.”

“Fine.  Fine, but that’s it Sunshine.  Get her dressed and then let her be.”  

“Of course, Dad.”  Satan’s dick, Sunshine drove him crazy.  “It’s just a change of clothes, man.  Maybe a few self defense lessons.”  Sunshine grunted as she leaned down to grab the shirt and started to shake it out.  

Aether groaned and shook his head, but decided not to say anything.  He didn’t know why he’d even wasted his time talking to her.  Sunshine could be as stubborn as Copia some days.  He eyed the shirt in her hands before speaking again.

“You know what seeing her in Swiss’s shirt is going to do to him, don’t you?”  Sunshine just cackled and turned to start walking towards the Princess.  Aether kneeled down to pick up the bags and started for the horses when he glanced back over at the girls.  Something in Sunshine’s hand glinted in the sun and he watched as she handed it over to the girl.  Unholy hell.

“Sunshine, stop giving her knives!” 

The only response he got was Sunshine’s middle finger as they disappeared into the trees so the Princess could change.  Groaning, he started for the horses again to get them ready.  It was possible Copia and the others would be gone most of the day, but he wanted to be prepared in case they showed up sooner.  Who knew how many of Saltarian’s men were waiting in that town.  He was confident in everyone’s abilities, whether it was with a gun or something hand to hand, but still.  A trap was a trap and Mary was an asshole.  

Despite being worried of their need to possibly leave quickly he took his time.  The stagecoach horses weren’t really cut out for anything more than lugging stuff around, but he brushed them out and took care of them just the same as their other ones.  They’d be able to sell them for a decent sum whenever they made it back to town.  He took a moment to look them over before deciding on one for the Princess to ride.  Although he had a sinking suspicion Copia would find an excuse to have her ride with him again.

He had known what would happen as soon as he’d seen her picture in the paper too.

Aether paused when he heard the hoofbeats.  A steady pounding coming from behind him, across the field.  Lucifer, please.  He took a deep breath and turned, hoping to see Copia and the others.  Unfortunately the rider in the lead was dressed in all black so there was no mistake it was Mary.  There were two other riders flanking him and as they got closer Aether’s heart sank when he didn’t recognize them.  

He closed his eyes briefly, saying a quick prayer for his friends before glancing over to where the girls had disappeared into the trees.  At least they hadn’t come out yet, it would give him some backup with Sunshine and he knew she’d tell the Princess to stay there where it would be relatively safe.  He adjusted his gun belt and started walking through camp, passed the dying fire and stopping right at the edge.  

By now he knew Sunshine had to have heard the horses and hopefully she was watching and ready.  She hadn’t taken her rifle with her so she’d have to get close to help him.  He would need to create enough of a distraction to give her that chance without being spotted.  Copia left him here for a reason, he knew Aether would fight like hell to keep everyone with him safe.  His friend had trusted him with his Princess for a reason and he wasn’t going to let Mary take her without a fight.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

You couldn’t remember the last time you’d worn pants.

When Sunshine had suggested a change of clothes you were ecstatic.  Your poor dress looked nothing like it did when you had stepped into the stagecoach at the start of your journey.  After days of horse riding and sleeping in the dirt it was more brown than blue and white.  Falling into the creek the other day certainly hadn’t helped either.

What was worse was the smell, although it didn’t seem like it bothered any of your companions.  It shouldn’t anyway, they smelled far worse after days on the road.  You figured it was just one of the things people got used to if they spent lots of time out of the city.  Everyone kept mentioning heading to a casino and while you weren’t exactly sure what to expect, Sunshine had promised you there were baths.

You’d never wanted to take a bath so badly in your life.

Anytime someone brought up the casino, The Ministry as it was called, you would get nervous.  It wasn’t really the thought of the casino itself, but what it meant for you.  The Cardinal had said a few times now that once they reached it they would be waiting there to hear from Saltarian.   At that point you assumed they’d arrange the exchange of you for the ransom money and that would be it.  

What happened after that you had tried not to think about too much.  You didn’t want to think about being near Saltarian at all.  In just a few days he’d gone from being some unknown business associate of your father’s to a cold-blooded murderer.  You had no idea what he was like beyond that.  How would he treat you?  Would he be angry you had been kidnapped?  Would you end up locked away in a room until the wedding?

The wedding itself was just one more thing you didn’t want to think about.  While The Cardinal had mentioned the general plan a few times you really had no idea what it actually entailed.  Were you going to be stuck in between flying bullets from both sides?  Or what if The Cardinal and his Ghouls burned the church down?  That would certainly be poetic justice considering what Saltarian had done to them, but what about you?

As the fear started to make your chest clench you tried to take a few deep breaths and calm down. The Cardinal had promised to protect you.  You knew deep down you shouldn’t trust him, trust the outlaw that had kidnapped you, but again your thoughts drifted back to how things had changed between you.  There was something there now, something that made your heart speed up for a different reason.

You shook your head, you shouldn’t be thinking about something like that.  He was probably just trying to keep you happy and prevent you from running away again.  Mary had mentioned another woman and there were probably more besides that.  Why would he choose some silly city girl like you?  You groaned and smoothed your hands down the pants before reaching down to pick up the shirt, turning your head when you heard Sunshine come through the trees.

“How’s it going, kid?”  You smiled softly at her nickname for you, no one here seemed to want to use your actual name.  Even ‘Principessa’ had grown on you a bit, although you’d never tell The Cardinal that.  “Oh hey, those fit great.”

“The shirt’s a little big.”  You held out your arms to show her how far the ends hung off your hands, but she just tsked and walked close to start rolling them up.

“Eh it’ll work just fine, you look great!”  Sunshine finished with the other sleeve and then took a step back and grinned.  “You fit right in now!”

“I’m not sure everyone would agree with you there.” You snorted and fiddled with the shirt for a moment.

“The only opinions that matter are mine and Co–, eh The Cardinal’s and I can guarantee you he’ll approve.”  She winked and you looked down to hide your blush.  Well, you weren’t going to lie and say you didn’t want his approval.  But it was a silly thing to want considering the circumstances.  

“I just…I’m sorry.  I don’t even know what to think, my mind is all over the place.”  You sniffed and turned a bit, trying to hide the tears welling up in your eyes.  Oh now you were really being a silly city girl.  You felt Sunshine’s hand on your arm and looked back at her despite your tears.

“Listen, I’ve known The Cardinal a long time, ok?  I haven’t seen him ac–,”  Sunshine abruptly froze and turned her head back towards camp.  You started to ask what was wrong but she squeezed your arm so you kept quiet.  You stayed frozen as she turned and crept towards the tree line.  It was then that you could hear whatever must’ve stopped her speech, heavy horse hooves getting closer to camp.

She waved her hand towards you, motioning you to get down so you dropped to your knees, resting them on your dress for a moment before slowly moving towards her.  As you got closer you were able to see Aether standing at the edge of camp. You held your breath as you turned to see what he was looking at, hoping it was The Cardinal and the rest of the Ghouls.  Instead all you saw was Mary and two men you didn’t recognize.  They had pulled up right in front of Aether and you could see them talking to each other, but you didn’t understand what they were saying.

“Sunshine, wh–,”  But she shushed you, her eyes not leaving the men as they spoke.  Their voices were becoming louder and your heart started hammering in your chest.  Where was the Cardinal?  Aether reached a hand out to point behind Mary, but the man just shook their head.  Everyone's voices got louder as the conversation became more heated and Sunshine tensed up even more next to you.

“Fucking Mary, I knew that asshole was gonna try something.”  She shook her head and started to say something else when the other two men moved around Aether to surround him.  Mary nudged their horse closer to him right when one of the men drew their gun and cocked it.  Aether turned at the sound, drawing their own gun but Mary abruptly kicked out and caught him in the face.  

“Shit!”

Your hands flew to your face as Aether dropped to the ground, Mary leaping off their horse right after.  When Mary got close Aether slammed his foot into their knee, bringing them down as well.  One of the men jumped off their horse but Aether held out his gun and you gasped into your hands when the shot rang out.  The man’s body dropped swiftly but before Aether could focus on the other man Mary was up and on the Ghoul, slamming a fist into Aether’s face. 

Sunshine cursed under her breath and then turned and grabbed you by your shoulders.

“Stay here.  If Mary or the other two head this way you run, ok?”  You wanted to say something, but she stood up and grinned down at you, before taking off towards camp.  Mary and the other man weren’t looking your way, Mary still busy fighting with Aether.  The other one had gotten off their horse and was checking on his wounded companion.  

You had thought she would have just run up to them shooting, but Aether abruptly spun Mary and was able to overtake them.  The horses startled and started moving away from the chaos in between them.  When the man looked up from what you assumed at this point was his dead companion their eyes immediately latched on Sunshine.  The Ghoulette was quicker than him, getting a shot off before he could aim at her.

He jerked to the side and he went down right on top of the body of his companion.  You couldn’t decide what to watch at this point.  Sunshine seemed calm as she advanced on the man she had shot, but at the same time Aether and Mary were cursing and growling at each other.  You couldn’t even tell who was winning as they rolled around in the dirt.

Where was The Cardinal?  He wasn’t…he couldn’t be dead.  There was no way he and the other Ghouls were dead.  You took a shuddering breath and tried to fight the tears.  Crying wouldn’t do you any good right now, or at all.  Sunshine said you needed to run if anyone headed your way so you needed to pay attention.  You lowered your head for a moment to try and collect yourself, but when another shot rang out you yelped and looked back towards the fighting.

Mary had seemed to get the better of Aether and they had their gun pointed at Sunshine.  You couldn’t tell if their bullet had hit her or not, but she was down.  Mary slowly got off of Aether, giving him one last punch in the gut before limping towards the Ghoulette.  Your eyes stayed on Aether though, silently begging him to get up but he remained motionless where he was.

You looked back towards the other end of the field, still hoping you’d see The Cardinal ride out of the woods on Brizio but there was no one.  Aether was down, possibly dead and Sunshine might be next.  You pushed yourself onto your feet, your hands shaking as they rested against a tree trunk.  Mary was standing over Sunshine now with their back to you pulling their gloves off and shoving them into their coat.  When you looked back you narrowed your eyes, watching as Mary leaned back over Sunshine with a gun in their hand.

You couldn’t let anymore of The Cardinal’s people die.

Sunshine had told you to run away, but where were you supposed to go?  Your chances were probably better with Mary than on your own with no supplies in the middle of nowhere.  You started looking at the ground around you, hoping to find a branch or anything you could use against Mary.  The knives Sunshine had given you were still in your dress and you didn’t have time to dig around for them.

Mary’s laughter rang out from camp, apparently Sunshine was awake you could see Mary kick her hand away from his leg.  They were mocking her!  You growled and grabbed a branch that was about as long as your arm and stalked out of the woods.  Mary’s back was still to you, Aether hadn’t moved and neither had Saltarian’s men.  When you looked back at Mary and Sunshine, Mary had cocked their gun and was pointing it down at your friend.  An angry scream built up in your chest and you ran at them swinging the branch.

The noise startled Mary and they whipped around to face you, but it was too late.  You had swung the branch back and slammed it down as hard as you could, knocking it against Mary’s shoulder.  They cried out and stumbled out of the way, landing on their knees nearby.  You immediately knelt down to check on Sunshine but her eyes were closed, a large bruise forming on her cheek.  Before you could try to wake her Mary’s hands were on your shoulders and they were yanking you up to your feet.

“Man, he really did a number on you, huh?”  You tried twisting away from them, but their grip on your shirt was too strong.  “Quit fucking struggling, Sweet Cheeks.  Your fun little vacation is over.  Time to go back to reality.”

“Fuck you!”  You kicked out behind you, but you missed connecting with anything.  They grunted and wrapped an arm around your waist and then slid the other over your mouth.

“Man no wonder he liked you, the spunky ones always get hi–fucking shit!”  You clamped your teeth down on Mary’s fingers as hard as you could, tasting blood.  They cursed again and shoved you down onto the ground next to the smoldering fire, your hands landing on Aether’s cooking pots he hadn’t put away yet.

You spit Mary’s blood onto the ground and took a few deep breaths.  All you wanted to do was cry, your mind becoming overwhelmed with the idea of The Cardinal being dead.  Mary finally quieted down and you heard his footfalls come up behind you, the spurs on his boots jingling softly.

“I don’t know what kind of fairytale The Cardinal was weaving into your head, but the reality is you meant nothing to him.”

You turned to glare at him, staying on the ground, ashamed of the tears gathering in your eyes.  

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  Mary snorted and shook their head.

“No, Sweet Cheeks, I do know what I’m talking about.  But it doesn’t matter now anyway.  He’s dead and so are his annoying sidekicks.” 

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well I don’t give a fuck what you believe, all I need you to do is get up and get ready to go.”

“Don’t touch me!”  You kicked out when Mary tried to grab you, connecting with their ankle.  Mary stumbled back growling, glaring down at you.

“What’s it gonna take for you to accept it, huh?  Do you want me to drag his body back here for you to cry over like some war widow?”

“He’ll come back for me!”  The tears were flowing freely now and your heart was clenching in your chest.  You couldn’t believe it, you didn’t want to believe it.  Mary crouched down in front of you and you tried to take a calming breath.

“Alright, fine.  I’ll play along, what if he did come back?  What did you think was gonna happen?”

“I don’t…we were going to hide out until Saltarian paid the ransom.”

“Then what?  He’d come swooping in like some hero and rescue you from your horrible new husband?”  Your eyes dropped to the ground and Mary snorted before continuing, “Sweet Cheeks, did it ever occur to you he was blowing smoke up your ass to get you to cooperate?  Hell, to get under your dress too.”

You clenched your hands into fists, your nails digging into your skin at the implication of his last words.  The Cardinal had done nothing to pressure you into…into that.  He’d certainly been attentive to you, touching and holding you more than you think you’d ever been since you were a child.  You found yourself shaking your head again, he hadn’t done anything you didn’t like.  If anything his touches had left you wanting more.

“He told me his plan and he said he’d protect me.  That he’d keep me safe.”

“Oh, he’ll keep you safe alright, as long as it’s useful for him to keep you around.”  Mary brought his bloody hand to your chin and lifted your face up so your eyes met.  They smiled, but it was cruel and mocking and all you wanted to do was wipe it off their face.  “Sweet Cheeks, I’ve known The Cardinal for a long time, nothing will get between him and his revenge.  Not even some pretty young virgin like you.”

You jerked your chin out of his hand, narrowing your eyes as they laughed at you.

“He promised that he’d protect me.”

“Copia’s made promises to girls much prettier than you, so good luck holding him to anything.”  Copia?  Was that…was that his name?  Mary must have picked up on your confusion because they started laughing again.  “You see!  You didn’t even know his name!  Not much of a love story is it?”

You felt the fight leaving you as Mary’s words started to sink in.  Maybe they were right, maybe this was all an act by The Cardinal.  By Copia.  An act to help keep you in line and make it easier to drag you to the casino.  Mary was still chuckling, but you tried to block the sound out.  

“This is all an act, Sweet Cheeks.  If you get between him and Saltarian he’s going to take the shot and he’ll walk over your body to get his revenge.”

No.  It wasn’t an act.  Mary was right, you were inexperienced, but you weren’t an idiot.  Copia had listened to you when you told him you weren’t there by choice, his behavior after that had changed.  He had opened up to you that night by the fire, he had trusted you enough to share his past.  You closed your eyes and imagined his arms around you while you rode around on Brizio.

You saw his face leaning closer when he was about to kiss you.

“Fucking wake up!”  Mary’s raised voice startled you back to the present and you reached up to wipe the tears off your cheeks.  “You don’t mean anything to him except the means to an end.  And if your end is part of it, trust me, he won’t lose any sleep over your death.”

“Fuck you and fuck Mr. Saltarian.”  You reached your hand behind you and grasped the handle of one of the cooking pans.  You weren’t going to listen to any more of this.

“Sorry, Sweet Cheeks, you’re not my ty–”  The sound of the pan hitting Mary’s head echoed around the campsite and you held it in the air for a moment, watching as blood started trickling down Mary’s forehead.  Their eyes rolled back and they slumped over, laying there completely still while you stayed frozen with the pan in the air.

After a moment you dropped it to the ground and exhaled slowly.  You looked around the campsite at the carnage, a bunch of bodies still laying around and not moving.  The horses had started to mill around, munching on the grass.  You pushed yourself off the ground and stood up, your hands were starting to shake and for a moment you felt like crying again.  A sound behind you stopped you though and your breath caught as you slowly turned around to see what it was.

The Cardinal, Cardinal Copia, was riding out of the trees and racing towards you.

Before you even registered yourself moving you were running away from the camp towards him.  As he got closer you got a better look at him, his dirty leather jacket was missing along with his hat.  You could see one side of his face was matted with blood and you almost cried out at the sight.  You heard him shout for you and you stumbled in your desperation to get to him.   

“Principessa!” 

Copia pulled up on the reins but didn’t even wait for Brizio to stop, leaping over the side and running the rest of the way towards you.  He caught you as you practically threw yourself at him. You knew you’d probably be embarrassed at your display later, but right now you didn’t care.  You didn’t care about anything except the feel of his arms around you.  You buried your face in his shirt, a deep red button up that was marked with sweat and some blood. 

“Hey, hey,” His hands cupped your face, pulling it away from his chest while you attempted to hide your tears.  When your eyes met he smiled and you felt like crying even more seeing the wound on his face. “I’m ok, I’m here. We’re all ok.” 

Your hand came up to grip his shirt but he caught it in one of his own, squeezing it gently and holding it over his heart.  Like he knew you needed the extra reassurance despite him standing in front of you. His other hand stayed on your cheek, the thumb stroking across your skin back and forth. It helped calm you and you took a shaky breath before trying to speak. 

“Mary’s here.  They came back with two men and attacked Aether and Sunshine.  I, I don’t kno–”  Your voice cracked and he shushed you, holding your head against his chest for a moment.  You felt his own head rest against the top of yours briefly and you swore you felt the ghost of his lips on your hair before he pulled away.

“Stay behind me.”  He kept your hand in his as he walked towards camp, his other hand pulling his gun out of its holster.

“Mary said you were dead.  That you were all dead.”  It almost felt like a dream now, you found yourself squeezing his hand and you couldn’t help but smile when he squeezed back.

“We’re all a bit banged up, but the only ones that are dead are Saltarian’s men.”  He let go of your hand when he reached the first body and nudged the man over onto his back before he knelt down next to him.  You watched as he checked their pulse, then took the man’s hat and covered his face.  

The next body had the same result and you breathed a sigh of relief.  Copia went over to Mary next, giving them a much harder kick to roll them over.  While he knelt down to check Mary you went over to Sunshine and knelt down next to her, taking her wrist to check her pulse.  When you felt it beat steadily against your fingers you reached up to brush some of her hair back.

The bruise on her cheek had gotten bigger, but the worst thing you saw was the blood staining the sleeve of her coat.  You jumped when you felt Copia’s hand on your shoulder and he helped you pull her jacket off, eliciting a few groans from her as the sleeve slid down her arm.  Copia checked the wound for a moment and then pulled off the bandana she wore around her neck, tying it around her arm.

“It’s just a graze, Principessa.  She’ll be fine.”  Sunshine groaned and you watched as her eyes blinked open, squinting into the sun.  

“Fuck you, Boss.”  Copia chuckled and touched her shoulder gently.  The Ghoulette turned towards you and gave you a quick grin before groaning and bringing a hand up to rub her cheek.  “Is Mary still alive?  If so, can I kill them?” 

“Mary’s alive.  For now.”  You watched as Copia got up and started to move over to Aether before pausing.  He looked back to Sunshine for a moment and then back at you with an eyebrow raised.  “Who hit Mary?”

You bit your lip and glanced down to where the cooking pan was still laying in the dirt.  Copia reached down and picked it up, turning it over to look at the huge dent Mary’s head had left.  He looked back to you and started laughing, shaking his head as he tossed the pan back on the ground.  

“Well done, Principessa.”

When you glanced over at Mary you saw that Copia had tied their hands behind their back.  Blood had covered their face, but you couldn’t bring yourself to feel bad.  You’d hit them again if you had to.  You breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Aether and Sunshine were ok.  Copia was helping Aether stand up and they grasped each other’s elbows briefly before they came over to you and Sunshine.

“We need to pack up and head back to the town.”  Copia reached down and you slid your hand into his, letting him pull you up.  Your eyes drifted to his wound again and you winced.  He tilted his head to catch your eyes and smiled at you.  “I’ll be ok, it looks worse than it is.”

You nodded, biting your lip to fight the tears that wanted to come once more.  His face softened and he pulled you away towards where Brizio had wandered to, the horse always staying close to his master.  

“I’m sorry, I was just scared.  I thought you might not be coming back.”  Copia cupped your cheeks again and you blinked your tears away so you could see his face clearly.

“Didn’t I promise to protect you?”  You bit your lip and nodded, forcing all the nasty words Mary said out of your mind.  Words that weren’t true.  “I may be an outlaw, Principessa, but I keep my promises.”

“I believe you, Copia.”  Your body froze when his name slipped out and you were waiting for him to be upset that you knew it now, but he just smiled.  His hands dropped from your cheeks and took your own, bringing one up to his lips so he could kiss the back of it like he had done before.

“I figured Mary would let it slip.  I guess you know all my secrets now.”  You couldn’t help but smirk, pleased that he wasn’t upset about it.  Happy that you knew his real name now and that you could use it.  You looked down at his hands for a moment before he spoke again.  “Well, maybe not all my secrets.”

When you glanced up at his face he winked at you and you rolled your eyes.

“Okie dokie, let’s get going.”

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Cleaning up camp didn’t take very long.  While Aether and Copia dragged the bodies into the woods you and Sunshine got things packed up.  Mary had woken up eventually, but Copia shoved a rag into their mouth to keep them quiet.  You couldn’t help but glare at them every time you walked by, but Mary just glared right back.

Asshole.

They threw Mary over their own horse and tied them down, you could hear them swearing through their gag but other than that you didn’t bother giving them any attention.  Sunshine wandered up to you with her hands behind her back and a smile on her face.  When she pulled them out she had the knives you had left with your dress in the woods.

“You did pretty good with a frying pan, but I’d still keep these handy, kid.”  You laughed and took them back, but you were unsure where to stash them now.  Sunshine started to say something, but Copia came up and interrupted her.

“Allow me.”  Sunshine snorted and held her hands up while she wandered off towards Aether.  When you looked back at Copia he had an odd look on his face so you raised your eyebrow at him.  “We’ll need to teach you how to use these soon.”

“A knife doesn’t seem difficult to use, just stick them with the sharp end, right?”  Copia laughed, ducking his head while he shuffled them in his hands.  He stepped close and took the smallest one, slipping it into the pocket of your pants.  You held your breath at his proximity, biting down on your lip when he used a finger to pull the waistband out so he could clip one of them to the belt Sunshine had given you. 

“I think we’ll need to let you practice with a gun too.”

“Oh Copia, I don’t kno–”

“No, today proves that despite my promise you still need to be able to defend yourself.”  He knelt down and lifted your pant leg up, tucking the final knife into your boot.  You could feel its leather case rest against your ankle, but it wasn’t uncomfortable.  If anything it was a comfort to have it, to have all of them close by just in case.  

Copia stood up and looked you up and down for a moment.  He cocked his head while he looked at the shirt you had on and you reached up to adjust it a bit self-consciously.  Your lace chemise you had worn under the dress showed sometimes and you had already seen Copia notice it once or twice.  He wouldn’t stop staring so you huffed and crossed your arms.

“What?”

“Principessa, whose shirt is that?”

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Once you got to the town there was a nice reunion with everyone.  Even Mountain had come up and lifted you in a huge bear hug.  As you walked through the town your mood sobered a bit though, it was obvious quite the battle had taken place.  You could see that in the tired faces of the Ghouls as well although it was clear they had taken the time to clean up a bit and bandage what needed to be bandaged.

Now with night having fallen you were all gathered around another campfire, this time near the outskirts of the town.  Mary had been tied to an overturned wagon a ways away.  The blood still caked on their face and the rag still shoved into their mouth.  You almost asked if someone should clean them up or give them some water but you decided, for the moment at least, you didn’t care.

What you did care about was making sure Copia, Aether and Sunshine got cleaned up.  Dewdrop had been surprisingly helpful, finding a few somewhat clean sheets in one of the houses and then going off to get some water.  He didn’t say anything to you, but it felt like his attitude towards you had changed a bit.  You’d have to apologize at some point for biting him.

Rain had taken up the task of cleaning up Aether’s face while Dew worked on Sunshine.  He seemed like the only one willing to put up with her hissing and cursing while the bullet graze on her arm got sewn up.  You had attempted to watch, but it was a little too much for you so you turned and set your attention on your own patient.

Copia had found his hat and had it back on his head, so you tipped it up a bit to get at the gash above his eyebrow.  It wasn’t as deep as you thought it would be so you were relieved when he said it wouldn’t need stitches.  That was probably a good thing because he was surprisingly twitchy whenever you brought the wet rag to wipe around the wound.  When he kept wincing you shushed him, earning you a very impressive glare.

“I thought cowboys were supposed to be tough.”  He snorted and reached up for his hat, taking it off and setting it on the ground next to him. 

“Cleaning them up is usually worse than getting them.”  You smiled as he made another face when you pressed the rag against the cut again, gently dabbing at the blood.  

“I’m almost afraid to ask what’s the worst you’ve ever been injured.”

He tilted his head up and squinted his eyes, like he was thinking back on what you were sure were the countless injuries he’d received over the years.  When he reached up for your hand you gave him a wary look as he brought it to rest on top of his left thigh, right in the middle.  You glanced back up at his face when he spoke.

“Took a knife here a few years ago.”  You made an ‘oh’ sound and looked back down at where his bare hand was settled over yours.  There were a few scars on the back of it and it made you think of how many scars he probably had covering his body.  Unfortunately that thought made your cheeks flame and you hoped the firelight dancing across your skin hid it from him.

You tried to tug your hand away from his so you could get back to cleaning his cut, but he wouldn’t let go.  Instead he lifted it up so he could study it in the light and then narrowed his eyes at something near your thumb.  There was a very small burn mark there, barely noticeable to you but his keen eyes had honed in on it immediately. 

“Oh, I was trying to make myself some tea.”  Your eyes narrowed as a bark of laughter left him and you jerked your hand away.  “I was a child!  I’m sorry I don’t have any wounds from knife fights to brag about.”

“It was barely a fight, Principessa.”  He was still laughing, like it was a fond memory rather than a painful one.  You looked back up to him with an eyebrow raised and he pointed towards town to where Mary was tied up. 

“Wait, Mary stabbed you?”  Copia nodded his head and smiled when you shook yours in disbelief.  

“Eh, I’ve done worse to them over the years.”  You snorted and wrung the rag out again, glancing back up at his face to make sure the cut wasn’t starting to bleed again.  Another blush started to grow on your cheeks when you saw his eyes on you.  “Still wasn’t the worst wound I’ve gotten.”

You frowned when he took your hand again and watched warily as he pulled it up to his chest.  His hand settled yours right over his heart and you held your breath when you felt it beat strongly against your palm.  Copia didn’t say anything for a moment and you looked back up at his face expectantly.

“A lovely girl in Denver.”  He was biting his lip and you raised your eyebrow as you waited for the rest of the story.  “She broke my heart.”

His laughter covered your groan and when you yanked your hand away he grabbed at it again bringing it up to his lips to place a quick kiss on the back.  Your cheeks were going to be permanently red at this point, it seemed like his only goal anymore was to make you blush. 

“You did good, Principessa.  I’m impressed.”  It was impossible to hide your pleased smile so you just let it grow on your face.  You startled a bit when a shadow fell over you and let out a little sound when something plopped onto your head.  The Cardinal had placed his hat on you, although it was too big and fell nearly to your eyes, obscuring your vision.  Before you could move it one of his hands came up and tilted it back and you were met with a smile so dazzling you had to look away.  “We’ll make a cowboy out of you yet.”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be cut out to be a cowboy.”  You bit your lip as you adjusted the hat a bit more.  When you risked a glance at him his eyes held yours briefly before he winked and you had to look away again.  The moment was quickly ruined when he knocked his hat down to cover your eyes and you growled but as you reached up to fix it you felt his breath on your ear and you froze.

“We’ll see about that.”

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

In the morning they relocated Mary inside one of the buildings so they weren’t baking under the sun.  You stayed back and helped pack up again, not wanting to hear any more poisonous words from Mary.  Everyone seemed to be in better spirits this morning and it made you happy.  Even Dewdrop was in a good mood, but you think that had something to do with whatever he and Swiss had found in one of the buildings.  You had been about to ask them what it was but Copia and Aether had wandered out of the building they put Mary in so you waited in the street as they walked up.

“Are they going to be ok if you leave them here?”  Copia raised an eyebrow at your question and you rolled your eyes.  “I just don’t like the sound of them, or anyone, starving to death.”

“Mary will be fine.  There’s a town nearby, some more of Saltarian’s men are waiting there.”  You froze at that news, but Copia gave you a reassuring smile and rested a hand on your shoulder.  “It’s a few days' ride away, Principessa.  We’re safe.  Mary will even be safe.  When Mary doesn’t show up with you they’ll send some men out here to see what happened.”

“Do you think Saltarian will hurt Mary?  For not bringing me back.  For not killing you.”

“Mary is an idiot, but they’re still useful.  Saltarian won’t waste the energy killing them.”  Copia had remained at your side, his hand sliding down your arm to rest on your elbow.  “We should get going, Rain said there was a storm brewing in the mountains.”

He squeezed your elbow and gave you a gentle tug so you’d follow him.  You looked out to the mountain ridge and bit your lip.  You didn’t see any signs of storm clouds gathering, but you trusted Rain to know what they were doing.  Oh, you hated storms!  Missouri would get such awful ones in the spring and summer and you were always a nervous wreck during them.  

“What will we do?”  Copia stopped next to the horse you would be riding and peered down at you, seemingly a little confused over your question.  “In the storm, how will we avoid it?”

“We usually don’t, Principessa.”  His face softened as he looked at you, seemingly picking up on your nervousness.  “But we can’t stay around here.  It’s not safe, not with Saltarian’s men so close.”

“I know, I’m sorry.  I just, well you’ll poke fun, but I’m scared of storms.”  You felt your cheeks heat a little bit at your admission and you glanced quickly at his face, expecting to see that smirk of his.  All you saw though was compassion, his features still soft as his eyes traced your face.

“How many times will I need to remind you that I’ll protect you, eh?”  His voice was stern but you could see the teasing glint in his eye.  You smiled and nodded, the rest of your insecurities from Mary’s words fading away.  He put a hand at the small of your back and nudged you closer to the horse, “Time to go.”

Copia helped you up much like he had done before, kneeling down and letting you put your foot in his hands to help lift you up onto the horse.  It was much easier to do so now in the pants and while you still missed your dress, you were happy to feel more at home on a horse.  Copia busied himself with adjusting some straps on the saddle before bringing his hands to your foot.

"Do you want to know the best thing about being rid of that stronzino, Principessa?"  You raised an eyebrow and looked down at him expectantly, watching as he finished tucking your foot into the stirrup.  

“What’s that?”  Copia’s hand moved to your ankle, holding it in a loose grip.  His eyes remained focused there, flexing his fingers around it a few times.  The warmth from his hand was starting to seep into your skin through your pants and you couldn’t help but think about how good it felt.  You were focused on his hand so much his voice startled you when he spoke again. 

"With Mary gone there won't be anyone to interrupt us."

“Interrupt us?  From wha–”  Your voice cut off when his hand started moving from your ankle.  It slid slowly up your leg, your cheeks starting to heat as it continued higher, only stopping when it reached your knee.  He brought his other hand up to rest at your waist and you sucked in a breath, feeling caged in by him.  It wasn’t anywhere close to an unpleasant feeling, but you still nudged your knee against his hand, trying to get him to answer.   “Copia, what do you mean?”

He remained silent, but his eyes began to travel from where his hand rested on your knee, trailing up your thigh and higher.  You could feel goosebumps sprouting over your skin as you watched his mismatched gaze take you in.  Copia bit his lip momentarily when they rested at where his hand was on your waist before they continued further.  It wasn’t until he was looking at your lips that they stopped again and the memory of when he had looked at them like that before popped into your head.  Of when he had almost kissed you.  

Oh.

You watched as a smile broke out onto his face, his eyes finally meeting yours.  He took a few seconds to watch your reaction, your mouth had fallen open a little but no sounds were coming out.  His smile just got wider as he watched the realization dawn on your face, both of his hands squeezing the flesh underneath them.

“We’ll have to find some time for that, eh?”  With that Copia winked and gave you a final squeeze before he turned to make his way over to his Ghouls.

Oh.

Go to Chapter 6: The Newlywed Game

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[realm-sweet-realm]

If you were going to turn the Pokemon villains into Pokemon as punishment, what would be the best choice for each one?

Haha, thanks for asking.

Standardizedbogey and I were talking about this last night because of her fic (which I highly recommend) were Giovanni was turned into a lillipup as a punishment, with doggy instincts and all. Some of these are my own ideas, some we came up with together.

Giovanni: okay, I couldn’t come up with anything as good as a lillipup, but yamper could work for the same reasons of being a small, helpless-looking dog (and we all know he’s a huge cat person), plus, this one gets the zoomies.

Silver: The best way to teach him a lesson in there being more to Pokémon’s worth than battle strength would be to turn him into a Pokémon that’s weak but nonetheless adaptable and determined. Perhaps an abra, which, while incapable of fighting, is intelligent and excellent at escaping bad situations.

Maxie: something very sensitive to changes in the environment. Perhaps a slowpoke would work- they live near water and require the health of a saltwater species to survive. Plus its instinct might deprive Maxie of his ability to use his intelligence.

Archie: like with Maxie, you could have him think twice about his goal by turning him into something that needs a very specific, non-watery environment. Perhaps a numel would work, as they’re very sensitive to water and would surely be wiped out if Archie went through with his plan. Doubles as punishment because numel are slow, weak, and can’t go in water.

Cyrus: Eevee. Just destroy his lone wolf aesthetic and fill him to the brim with instincts to be friendly and want to be with people and cuddle up on their laps because they’re sad. Or because they seem nice. Or because he likes their hat. Or. Or. Or. Or. As a bonus, Mars looks after him for a while and he evolves into a pink ribbon dog that might as well have “I love my friend” written across his forehead and has empathy as a superpower.

N: N doesn’t deserve a punishment, but he’d really hate being a slugma. There’s no handling Pokémon in need if you’d only burn them.

Ghetsis: Ghetsis needs to be taken down a peg in terms of power, so a regional rodent would be good. I think bidoof would be the best choice because then its absentmindedness would keep him from scheming without zoning out. Also, he’d probably have to rely on N for protection because Colress would definitely want to run some experiments on a human-turned-Pokémon.

Lysandre: a good punishment for Lysandre would be to become something insignificant and filthy, so I chose a gastrodon. He’s identical to numerous others of his kind living all across the map, he’s hideous and slimy, he has instincts to bathe in mud and algae, and people look at him with disgust when he visits populated areas. Used to being respected and revered, now people won’t even let him on their carpets.

Lusamine: I don’t really have an idea for her, but she definitely wouldn’t like being a trubbish. It’ll be pretty hard to command the Aether Foundation’s respect like that.

Guzma: Petilil. Guzma would hate being something weak and dependent, and a small, sensitive plant Pokémon would really ruin his aesthetic, plus he’d look tasty to bug-types! Plumeria will look after him, don’t worry.

Piers: Whismur. It can’t do any of the three things Peirs cares about: rock out, battle well, or help his family and community. Marnie would probably have to look after him, and he wouldn’t want that. Its evolutions are stronger and louder, but are just as unable to produce appealing music.

Rose: honedge. It drinks the life force of others, actively undoing what he tried to do. It can’t be around people without doing that, which he’d hate as a massive extrovert.

[platoniccereal]

Firstly if you find that Adoribull fic I hope you share and second if you have any fic recs for Bull in general I want to know 👀

Also autocorrect nearly made his name Bill. The Iron Bill, a legal juggernaut. Don't call him William.

...he's pretty well versed in fiscal affairs.

i'm going to rummage through ao3 as a treat so maybe i'll be lucky haha i'll send it to you if that's ok and if i find anything.👀

i started reading fics on ao3 not so long ago, so my collection is humble and classic, still...

these are purely gen/plot and character focused with rare nsfw scenes:

small secret spaces – i adore this absolute gut punch of a fic, it's about 2k words and is written from bull's tama perspective. absolutely heartbreaking as anything regarding bull's time on seheron.

there's also i can see us gather at the gates from the same author, a 36k words work in progress, bull x f!trevelyan. it studies them both in opposition to each other, this one got me thinking and feeling for days.

there's also a very short the sea is unchanged in the same series, i recommend lilith_morgana's works in general, because just as this one, they're always written with such love for the characters, as well as with wise, mature understanding of them.

ebasit – a different author, another character study, 12k. so far the only inquisitor!bull fic i've seen, not even on ao3, and by god it's tasty. it's adoribull and bull x josephine, but still mostly a character study. bull seems to be more serious and tough here than as a companion. there is also one thing about adoribull that'll absolutely break your heart in the best way possible.

but there's a twist is an almost 60k words modern au adoribull fic that's definitely worth checking out because i'm not overestimating when i'm saying that it's got everything. this will be painful, this will be sweet and rewarding. and the title does not lie. again, this fic seems to be just one of a kind, very glad a thing like this just exists. also, lilacsolanum is overall an amazing writer,

and vasaad proves it. i respect any fic that touches on vasaad's character because there's just so much angst potential in just a few words cole says in canon, and this one? nailed it. it's also 6k words adoribull. bull's got some baggage, bull's gotta understand that dorian's not afraid of it.

(there's also my father and his father before him from the same author, but even though it's an adoribull fic, it's more of a study of dorian. also highly recommend, gets you very invested in dorian's depressed shenanigans. also the best portrayal of halward i've seen.)

continuing with the vasaad theme, triptych is probably one of the most well-known works on this list. adoribull 41k words soulmate au. it's got such a good grasp on bull's grief. the soulmate au reality only enhances it. i was fascinated at how the system of qunari names was intertwined with the significance of names for the soulmate au. and vasaad? oh. he haunts the entire work, and frankly, it feels right.

cassandra and the chrysanthemum caper is going to be right up your alley if you enjoy older characters exploring pining and slow burning in 16k words while being rather oblivious about it. cassandra x bull, the divine and her bodyguard, and everything you can expect from these two. bonus points for bull with a disability.

stuck on the puzzle – ok, actually this one is the most well-known on this list. i don't really interact with content about cullen, and it's his pov in this cullen x bull 200k beast. but this is a very well-crafted and thoughtful work. plus, there is also an interesting exploration of characters and non-sexual bdsm. just very solid writing.

darkened room – sigh, who doesn't like good ol' ptsd-flavoured nightmares? especially when it's adoribull.

maraas kata – somehow whenever there's qunlat in the title you know it's gonna be good. i consider this to be a bull's trauma exploration. dorian and bull are visiting seheron, very bittersweet. bitter because of course, it's seheron, sweet because bull's got support, and he's not alone.

another country – and another fic from venndaai whose works are absolutely beautiful. not very long. it's adoribull, and i'm weak for time traveling. especially for meeting your loved one in the past. especially when it's this sweet and touching.

so shall it be – rather short bull x adaar, consists of a very technical approach to bondage while also being non-sexual. and it's just sweet!

also, there is some stuff i'm in the process of reading, but still enjoy and find interesting:

run home – i'm only starting reading that one, but i already know it's a high quality work that studies characters in-depth, bull x f!lavellan, bull is an adoptive father of a kid!krem, plus, it's little league au.

better angels – i'm still in the process of reading it, but so far i find it lighthearted and like writer's inquisitor and sense of humor. the plot of m!lavellan x bull losing their memory and trying to piece everything together seems interesting!

aneth ara – as it's easy to realize, i'm in the process of reading many fics. but whenever i see f!lavellan x bull exploration that's over 100k words, i just can't help myself. :) plus, i really like how it's written, it seems very well-built to me.

since it's bull, there's also a good chunk of pretty hot purely pwp stuff:

kindle and char and enflame and ignite – adoribull playing pirates. :) it's pretty lighthearted and sweet, very nice experience!

the summit shrouded in fog – this cullen x bull and x dorian will be your jam if you like more intense scenes. it explores how violent bull is and how it interacts with him being a dom among other things. that's actually not the thing i've seen discussed much before in various texts, so that's cool.

got 180 degrees (and i'm caught in between) – this is a pretty recent work on dorian x krem x bull, made me go !!! i just love krem very much.

come on, get higher – just wanted good ol' bottom!bull and i got it. this is adoribull. also, i know that justjasper created a big amount of works for adoribull in general, and afaik they all are worth checking out,

such as katoh, for example. a very touching compilation of moments between dorian and bull that are sharing the common theme of communication. i like when authors work with the watch word use, it's as important as a good scene.

rivers in the sand – i dunno how explicit it might be considered, so it goes here. adoribull, bull sees similarities between the seheron and the hissing wastes, definitely has a ptsd episode running as an app in the background. bonus points for dorian finding bull being a nerd hot because same.

anyways, thank you sooo much for asking and giving me a chance to rumble about fics i love about a character i love! sorry if i took the task way too seriously, haha. surely there can be much more even with my little experience of ao3, but i'll stop here.

[number-1-kuaidul-fanboy]

Yugioh Main Girls Ranked

(Like actually ranking their characters this time, not roasting their hair.)

Because I've decided I shall rank these shows in every possible way besides the shows themselves until I'm ready for that behemoth. Lead girls first cuz that's way easier for me than ranking the main protagonists. (No idea how to rank Yuma, Yuya, and Yuga right now to be honest.) And also cuz I'm a gentleman and ladies first and all that jazz. This ranking is just based on how much I like them as characters, not how well or poorly they were handled by the writers, which is blatantly obvious from the fact that Romin isn't number 1 on this list. Sorry Romin, you are the objective factual best, I’m just biased. (Also I’m using whichever name I’m more used to using which is usually the sub, deal with it.) Here's the list:

7 Tea Gardner

You know, I love green tea. It's a tasty drink. It's actually a bit of a comfort drink for me. This Tea however is not comforting or a drink... Whatever the hell the latter means.

Anyways, Tea is fucking boring and annoying. She does nothing but spout generic friendship speeches and nag and be in two stupid love triangles. The closest thing she has to a character arc is that love triangle bullshit which isn't even resolved at the end. I don't like her.

In DM at least, she's honestly okay in Dark Side of Dimensions, I like that she actually pursues her dream of dancing and yeets herself away from her friends to get there. That's nice. She's still the worst though. Yeah, I think even Kotori was an improvement. Speaking of which:

6 Kotori Mizuki

Kotori basically has the same problems as Tea but is executed a little better. Her love triangle of basically just her and Cathy fighting over Yuma is actually resolved this time with her and Cathy even becoming friends which is really cute. I really like their slow burn friendship, it's a nice detail. And Yuma and Kotori are also friends. Like we see them as friends, it's not just Kotori watching him and thinking about how hot he is like Tea does. They actually have like a legit dynamic and have back and forth banter.

Still, Kotori is pretty boring on her own, she has a bit of personality in Zexal I but that starts to fade away and all that's left of her that's interesting is her friendships with Yuma and Cathy which are at least cute. (The fanservice shit they do with her sucks though. That’s not on her as a character, that’s on the writers but still, it’s gross.)

5 Yuzu Hiiragi

Yeah I know I said these aren't ranked based on how badly the writers fucked up writing these girls but out of every girl that had potential and got fucked over, Yuzu is the only one whose personality was drastically altered during this fuck up. She went from a courageous hot-headed fighter to a cowering husk very suddenly and for no explained reason after she's defeated by Sergey. She still shows flashes of her original personality but it becomes sparser and sparser until that character I loved so much in the first half was just... gone. Not just literally gone but in a metaphorical sense too. It sucked.

People complain about Aoi or Akiza or Asuka being screwed over by the narrative and I do agree they all were in some way but they at least still felt like the same characters all the way through. Yuzu meanwhile... I love who she was in the first half of Arc V but man... that depiction in the second half just broke me.

4 Aoi Zaizen

Aoi got fucked over by her show too I'm not gonna act like she didn't, I was actively frustrated with how they were treating her (particularly that Spectre duel, her losing in that way still pisses me off to this day) but she was still treated far better than the YGO girls before her (besides maybe Asuka?).

I like how she's this shy quiet girl in real life and basically a celebrity in Link VRAINS. Then as the show goes on she transitions from a celebrity just duelling for fun to a warrior duelling to protect Link VRAINS and her friends/family, even duelling alongside her brother, who was previously overprotective of her. Oh and before that, she also went behind her brother's back to fight for what she believed in. She is great, her story is good, it's just under-focused and she's not allowed as many victories as she deserved.

3 Asuka Tenjoin

This isn't me being biased towards GX. I swear. 🥺

Okay yeah Asuka's character arc isn't as good as Aoi's, I just... Really like her sassiness and I think duelling wise she's treated a bit better than Aoi and... yeah okay I really relate to her story in season four. I relate to all their post graduation anxieties but my god how did they know my exact struggle of choosing between staying with the people I know and moving abroad to further my career?! How was GX that perceptive?! Oh yeah also she's a woman who chose a career over potential romance and I don't see that enough in fiction so thank you Asuka. I will now like you for those semi arbitrary reasons and the fact that you're funny.

2 Romin Kirishima

Like I said, Romin is the objective best lead girl. She has a complete character that's given an appropriate amount of focus, great relationships with the other characters that aren't romance based, enough wins to make her look skilled and match her growth as a duellist/character and enough losses that it evens out and she doesn't feel overpowered. Romin feels like a real person and even has a hobby outside of duelling: music and I love seeing her combine the two. She's a really fun likeable character on top of being treated well by the narrative FINALLY. If I ever needed to show an example of how to write a good female character, I'd point to Romin first. If I was going purely based on logic and wasn't so ungodly attached to my chosen favourite, Romin would be number one. But uh...

Yeah you all know who I put at number one.

1 Aki Izayoi/Akiza Izinski

I go back and forth on her name since I fell in love with her subbed version but continued to love her when I saw the dub (which in the case of 5Ds, I mostly prefer).

As I said, I fell in love with her during Fortune Cup when she was first introduced. There was such an air of mystery to her and the way she spoke (both her numb voice and her words) made it very clear to me she was traumatized/abused by her family and the world around her for things she couldn't control. She was viewed as a freak/monster just because of something she was born with...

I refuse to go into detail about why I relate to this, just know that I do and Aki's reaction of masking her true self from the world was very similar to how I reacted. So as you can imagine, I'm very personally attached to her and couldn't imagine putting any of these others over her. It's not just because I think she's hot. She is but that's besides the point. I relate to her narrative in Fortune Cup/Dark Signers which sadly had a really botched resolution and if I start that shit again here you'll never hear the end of it. Just go find the post, it was something like "I have some concerns about Aki's arc."

Anyways, botched arc resolution aside, I still really love her. She had this adorable awkwardness to her after redemption and I loved seeing her learn to Turbo Duel. It's one of my favourite episodes in any YGO, it's just so sweet and precisely written. We see every step and fumble and rise back up on her journey and in the end, she gets a great victory and achieves her dream. If only WRGP had done anything with that... Still, I’m glad she was able to find happiness.

[lavenoon]

16, 25, 27 for the fanfic writer asks! :D

16. (guilty pleasure tropes) covered here!

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them!

I mean. GFDHSJ Y'all see the AU AU AU and alternate reveals and non canon scenarios I come up with, those definitely fall into this category! There's also that one anon asking about promotions that I simply don't want to spoil yet but it's a whole spin-off basically that I'll just drop after exploring it for a bit! I also couldn't stand the angst yesterday after all, so I came up with a little fix it scenario (because yes, I'm fixing death now, I needed them to be happy)

I'm hoping the screenshots are easier to ignore than a whole wall of text, for anyone who does enjoy angst without any comfort! I do actually think that worst case scenario stands well on its own, it isn't supposed to be happy, but turns out death is just a bit too rough for me still and I wanted a happy ending, actually. And, not quite a side story, but no clue when I'll get to it and I am thinking about it an unreasonable amount, post-reveal when HQ finds out that they all know each other's identity, they get a shared mission that kicks off their team of three where Robin poses as someone important with Dusk/ Dawn as their bodyguard, and you just know the tension will be SO tasty. Lingering touches, teases they can't rebuke without blowing their cover, protectiveness upped to the max... For some reason, whenever I think about it, this mission happens on a cruise, but no clue if I'll actually use that FGHDJSK

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received?

God I am. I am such a sucker for any and all comments, especially those that mention a line I'm particularly proud of, and y'all are spoiling me with those!! Settling on one is pretty much impossible if I go with that standard - so I'm going with an entirely different fandom. I've mentioned my slow burn long fic before, which is currently on hiatus since the hyperfixation on fnaf is too strong rn for other projects, and, well, the entire niche I found myself in before just was much less interactive or even engaging. This longfic has been up almost two years - and within not even three weeks, Accidentally Undercover has gotten more views, comments, kudos, bookmarks, anything - you name it, there's more. I was really disheartened and partly stopped writing because, well, I have my outline to read, and if barely anyone (if anyone) even reads it, then why write more? But a couple months ago, I got a comment - after about a year of hiatus, someone told me they binge-read 113K words in one day, that they love my world-building and character dynamics, and that they would love it if/when I decide to write more again. It was just so nice without being pushy that I sat down and wrote 1.5K words of the next chapter right then. It's still far from done, and the fic itself is in arc 2 of 5 - but that was more than I wrote for it in months at the time! I think of that commenter fondly because for that fic, they were a rarity. For AU y'all are SO good to me, all the comments and interaction really are fueling me, and anyone who gets to listen to me yell on discord knows I'll melt at the positive attention at any given time fghjdks

[chuuyanaurkahara]

uhhhhhhh some more dani content for you lovelies i guess

hehehe i'm gonna write about their 'second family' like it's common knowledge and you can't stop me hehehehehehehe >:D

i literally had to google all of the stuff dani googled and more. also dani never interacted with a baby before, they have no idea what they're doing, but they're trying their best:')

i apologise for any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language

----

They were lying in bed, their phone in hand. Dani was scrolling through social media, liking some cat pictures here and there, ignoring how their eyes were burning.

Charlotte was asleep, snoring loudly. The teenager thought to hear her talking too.

Dani checked the time. 2.57am. Whoops. They should go to sleep. The teenager turned off their phone and pulled the blanket over their body. They were about to drift off, when something— or rather someone— started screaming and crying.

Ugh. Let's hope mom'll take care of it quickly. Three whole minutes passed. The screaming and crying of their baby brother remained. Seems like their mother, stepfather and -sister were all sleeping well, not bothered by the noise.

Dani let out a rather annoyed groan and forced themselves out of the bed. They took their phone with them— better safe than sorry. Slowly they got closer to the baby's room, carefully opening the door as to not startle him.

Ricky was screaming and crying, kicking away everything in his crib. Dani grimaced. They never liked babies. Especially the loud ones.

Please don’t make me change the diaper. Please don’t make me change the diaper. Please don’t make me change the diaper. Carefully the teenager lifted their brother up.

Well, there wasn’t any additional weight, so it was pretty safe to say that Ricky didn't need a diaper change. Dani remembered their mother saying something about the baby's diapers and that they could withstand some 'accidents'.

Good. Then he's probably hungry. How old was Ricky again? Seven months. Their brother was seven months old. What do seven month old babies drink?

Dani secured their grip on their still crying brother and carefully walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. They placed Ricky into the baby seat before opening the fridge. Almond milk, full milk, some vegetables, a cake, eggs, cheese, ham, ketchup, mayonaise...

They got out their phone.

Can babies drink almond milk? Not recommended for children under five years.

Can babies drink normal milk? Not under 12 months.

Everything a seven month old baby can drink. Breast milk or infant formula.

Dani sighed. Well, they sure as hell couldn't get breast milk at that moment and there wasn't any baby formula powder in this whole damn kitchen.

They looked at their crying brother and then at the fridge. Fuck it. One sip of cow milk won't hurt. Probably. They opened the fridge and got out the milk packet.

After an embarrassingly long time of looking for the bottles, the teenager finally found one. They filled it up to about 1/4 and put it in the microwave for about 15 seconds at the lowest temperature.

Yup. That should be warm enough. They screwed the bottle shut.

"Oh Ricky~" Dani shook the bottle a bit, successfully gaining their brother's attention. "L-look here... A tasty uh- a tasty little t-treat for you~"

The teenager picked him up again and gave him the end of the bottle to suck on. Wow. Ricky must've been pretty hungry, with how eagerly he drank up the milk. After that he was calm again. Dani thought to even see him nod away a few times.

They carefully removed the bottle out of his little hands and placed it on the kitchen counter. Then Dani took slow and dragging steps out of the kitchen, their limbs and eyelids getting heavier with every step they took.

Not trusting themselves to go upstairs, they walked into the living room instead, where they slowly lowered themselves onto the couch. Dani secured their grip on their brother once more and got into a comfortable position. Finally they were dozing off too.

[rosedear]

Book Review: Love Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood

Rating this book a good 3.5/4 and I'd like to say this is my first time reading a book by this author. I've heard a lot about the Love Hypothesis and some of the other ones but I simply wasn't interested in STEM related love stories. But wow, I was pleasantly surprised by this one! And I'm pretty glad I picked it up for several reasons. But firs I want to get into things that I didn't quite enjoy.

Personally, the writing style might just not have been for me. The stream of consciousness adds a lot to Elsie's character since it's in first person POV but it's not my favorite. I don't usually read books in this POV so that's already a big obstacle. However, the first person POV didn't bother me too much which is great! I just didn't like the constant insertion of like twitter memes into the writing. I guess it's quirky but I thought there were too many references that weren't funny to me. But that might just be because I just like a completely different style of writing. Something that did bother me genuinely was the constant reminder of how big Jack is... like I know he's big. I get it omg. I don't know why there needed to be so many mentions of his size. I love a good size difference but man...

Anyways, onto the things I really liked! I related to Elsie LOTS! Especially her people pleasing tendencies and her APE method. I didn't even realize I was using the same methods as Elsie herself to keep some friends happy and it felt like a personal callout when she was talking to Cece near the end about whether she would leave her just because she doesn't like artsy films much. I understand her self doubt that she just couldn't believe someone like Jack could have feelings for her. But I didn't get why she didn't realize even though he straight up said it to his face. I just took it as though her self esteem is that low which I relate to as well. I also love Jack's character who wasn't a carboard cutout and had real personality. Sometimes the heroes in these books make me mad but I found myself loving the way Jack wants to take care of Elsie. How sweet it is that's his fantasy! Also loved the way it framed the setting of the academic community and the realities surrounding being an academic or having a career in it. I never would have found out the systematic ways in which the people in these communities are disadvantaged or even how their careers work! I didn't understand adjunct professors or tenure tracks and all that. So the way both Jack and Elsie were tangled in this community was super fun to see! I feel like I learned a lot.

Of course Jack and Elsie's chemistry and banter was super fun their slow burn was extremely tasty and their smut was pretty good. I was expecting much more... wild? smut scenes? Maybe because I'm used to that. But the slow and steady pace they went in fits them. I was afraid there might not be any smut scenes at all (and I'd be disappointed because I went into the book thinking there would be pretty hot smut) but it was pleasantly surprising. Their dynamic was pretty inspirational and I'd love to read books with characters with similar dynamics so I might check out another book by the same author.

[kitkatt0430]

🤔🐌💥🛏️

🤔 Are there any new characters you want to write about?

I've been really getting into Tomb Raider again lately, so I might write something about Lara or one of her friends. Sam especially seems interesting to me - the truth about Himiko and Yamatai were certainly just as traumatic for her to learn about as they were for Lara (albeit in different ways) and it's got to be hard for her to square the childhood stories that were probably like fairy tales to the truth that nearly led to her being body-snatched.

I'm also really enjoying some of the silly 'Villainess' themed mangas and anime right now - 7th Time Loop and My Next Life as a Villainess are both turning out to be really funny in particular. It might be fun to write something about Catarina (from the latter series) - I really like the idea that she's demi-romantic and that's part of the reason she's super oblivious to the fact that everyone has fallen in love with her. It's not just her obsession with sweets (her true OTP, tasty sweets all hers to eat) or her fixation on avoiding 'doom flags'.

🐌 What is one of your smallest writing goals?

Pay better attention to how I'm feeling so I don't burn myself out. This was a pretty stressful year for me between the year starting with a hole in my hallway ceiling, the wasps that were basically a yearlong thing, and the home reno (with the walk in closet addition that took three tries for the wall to go up in the right place -_- ) and I didn't really realize how much a toll that was taking on my creative side until Flufftober arrived and I just... completely lacked the energy or drive to really participate. Since I still have a (much smaller) home reno project in mind for 2024, I want to do a better job of identifying when I need to slow down and do a bit more self care. Right now I'm focusing on some non-writing projects to kind of help myself reboot. I'm not avoiding writing, but I'm not pushing myself to get back into it right now.

... hmmm, not sure if this is actually a small goal or not now that I've written it down. But it's something I kinda struggle with towards the end of every year and hit me both harder and earlier this year so it is really important to me to find a better balance. (Also need to actually use my SAD lamps more, I think that factors in too...)

💥Is there a chapter, scene, or WIP you're most excited to write? Share a snippet or tell us about it!

So I'd love to share something specific about my Eobard vs Eobard series but I don't wanna give spoilers either. Suffice it to say that Eo (Hero edition) is very oblivious about a few things that everyone - Meloni, Gideon, Robern, and even Barry - figure out before him. (You know he's being particularly oblivious about something if Barry figures it out first, am I right?)

But that's also a few stories away; the next fic in the series is going to be Barry and Eo vs ... I'm not sure yet. Eobard will intend to stay out of the fight at first but when Barry's hurt it makes Eo change his mind something sharpish. It'll have Eobard and Barry's first kiss, but also Eowells getting the first clue that Herobard may be a time traveler too.

🛏 Is there a new trope you'd like to write this year?

Something LitRPG-ish. I shared the idea not too long ago of Iris getting Isekai-ed into her favorite visual novel/dating sim and it'd be a lot of fun to write that one. And also I think she deserves her own little harem of cute guys and gals :D

[lakenonadogwalk]

Walking Off Those Calories

Try out the new Christmas toys in a whole new way.

Pets love their new toys. Chewing and tossing them inside is always fun for about 4 minutes. One way to boost your dog's energy, burn a few added calories gained over the holidays, and provide fundamental mental and physical agility is to turn playtime into dual-focused workout time.

Lake Nona Dog Walkers are too familiar with working out boredom busters with your dog when a routine walk becomes a less than stimulating chore. A few ideas you can engage your buddy into looking forward to during playtime at home don't need to be costly or even space-invading. For example, setting up an inside "agility" course tips can include:

● Toy drag tag. Tie a fave stuffy to an extra leash and drag it along the floor at variable speeds, around chairs, or up and down furniture stairs ( if allowed ). ● Put a tasty treat under an assortment of cups, bowls, and even paper bags, and have your dog scavenger hunt to find the treat. Encourage him with a simple command like "find cookie' ( or whatever your word is )and walk with him to each location and have him sniff it out. Praising along the way "good boy, good girl etc". ● Jumping over a broomstick used as a hurdle is also a fun and self-explanatory indoor and outdoor activity. ● Rainy day? Have a treadmill? Yes….dogs do pretty well when they start at a slow walk with you holding their leash beside them. Encourage him to walk on command and adjust the speed only if he accomplishes the first slow 10 to 15 minutes. Even during pleasant days, this can be added into an after-dinner before-bedtime routine. Never leave your dog unattended while leashed near a treadmill.

These are just a few ideas offered by the Lake Nona Dog Walkers services of Orlando, Florida. We promote more than just walking for your pet. Give us a call at 407-470-4384 or visit us online at www.lakenonadogwalkers.com. To discover all we have to offer.

[ramblingoak]

The Cardinal’s Bride, Chapter 4: There’s Something About Mary

~ A Romantic Adventure in the Old West: After being forced into a marriage with Mr. Saltarian by your father you are sent west to his estate in Nevada.  Along the way you end up meeting one of the cowboys you have always fantasized about... ~  

~~ Please visit The Outlaw Brides Masterpost to catch up and read more stories from this world ~~

Thank you to @tasty-ribz for the wanted poster!  Lots of other amazing people have done fanart of Cowboy Copia so please go check it out: @meowsaidmissy (1 / 2), @snail-shell2335  here, @vahvco here, @ghulehgwen here, @rabidghoul here, @nocterish here and from valkyrieinpink on twitter.  Also a huge thank you to @kissingghouls for aggressively holding my hand and letting me scream at her about cowboys.

Cardinal Copia x Female Reader: au, slow burn, romance, Copia in chaps, adventure, violence, Mary being a little shit, NSFW, 18+ only MDNI, 5,400 words 

Mary didn’t like to think of themselves as a bad guy.

Living out here in the West was hard and not for everyone.  You needed to be adaptable, willing to do things you might not be comfortable with.  Mary had certainly done plenty of things they’d rather not think about, things they definitely couldn’t write home about (not that they were doing that anyway).  But living out here afforded people freedoms they wouldn’t have elsewhere in the States and if there was one thing Mary liked it was the freedom to be themselves.  Something they never had back home in Chicago, despite it being a larger city in the Midwest.  Still full of the same stuffy, ignorant people that had a chokehold on much of the rest of the country.

Mary didn’t mind getting their hands dirty every now and then.  Usually they stuck with random jobs like bringing home someone's wayward daughter (or wayward son).  Every now and then they would take a job hunting down an outlaw of some sort, those usually paid pretty well.  Mary never really worried too much about coming up against whatever idiot had pissed off the local sheriff enough to warrant hiring outside help.  There were a lot of things Mary was good at and gunslinging was definitely one of them.  It was probably the one fond memory they had of their life back in Chicago.  Mary’s father had been an avid gun collector and he had been insistent on teaching Mary how to clean, handle and shoot every one he owned.

So when it came to gunfights, Mary wasn’t worried.  They had only run across a few people that matched their skill and thankfully two of them stayed put in Nevada.  The other was easy enough to avoid, The Cardinal and his Ghouls were never shy about their whereabouts.  Mary found that their life was easier the further they stayed away from Cardinal Copia.  

Mary didn’t think Copia was a bad guy exactly, certainly not as bad as his reputation would lead you to believe.  But Mary and Copia tended to butt heads whenever they were around each other.  It’s possible this went back to Mary allegedly staying the night with a girl Copia had favored back at The Ministry.  It was also possible this had happened multiple times, but how was Mary supposed to keep track of Copia’s bedmates?  Maybe if he stuck around for more than a few weeks before running off to cause trouble he’d have an easier time keeping someone’s interest.

The only thing Mary knew Copia was interested in was revenge and it was revenge against one particular person.  That’s why Copia and his buddies ran amok throughout the West so much.  It was why they spent so much time attacking stagecoaches and trains.  For as long as Mary had known Copia they understood that the man only had one goal and that was destroying the life of who Mary was currently sitting across from.

“Mary Goore, thank you so much for coming.”  Mary glanced back at the two men by the door of the office.  The same two men that had tracked Mary down in California and insisted they attend a meeting with Saltarian.  Normally in a situation like that Mary might’ve just shot them both and moved on, but everyone knew that Saltarian had a long reach and plenty of hired guns.  Also plenty of money to hire more.  

“Well I was promised some money just to show up so it was an offer I couldn’t refuse.”  Saltarian chuckled, but Mary didn’t sense any humor behind it.

“Of course Mr. Goore, I’m a man of my word.  You’ll be compensated for your troubles.”  He continued to stare at Mary for a moment before glancing up at the men by the door and nodding his head towards them.  Mary tensed when he heard them move but they left the room quickly.  “Now, let’s get down to business.  I’m looking for a man of your talents Mr. Goore.  You have a reputation for finding wayward souls, do you not?”

“I suppose you could say that, yeah.”  Mary shifted uncomfortably in their seat as Saltarian just stared at them.  It was an assessing stare and it reminded Mary too much of how their father would look at them.

“No need to be modest, I’ve done my research.  I had to for this job offer I have.  There’s little room for error and I don’t enjoy it when people make mistakes.  Do you understand?”

“Yeah, I get what you’re saying”  Mary took a deep breath and wished he’d shot those two goons after all.  “You gonna tell me what the job is or are you gonna wax poetic about my skills some more?”  This was the wrong guy to be a smart ass too, but Mary couldn’t help it.  They also couldn’t help but flinch when Saltarian straightened in his seat and narrowed his eyes at them.

Shit.

“You’re right Mr. Goore.  My apologies.  I’m not sure if you’ve taken the time to read any newspapers in the last month, but I recently became engaged.”  Saltarian paused then and Mary mumbled a ‘congratulations’ which the man politely nodded at.  He lifted a paper off his table and held it out so Mary could take it.  “She’s a lovely girl from a decent family, although her father’s business skills leave much to be desired.”

Mary looked down at the paper and saw a sketch of a pretty girl, a girl that definitely deserved much better than marrying a guy like Saltarian.  They looked back up as the man continued on.

“She’s from the Midwest, much like yourself, Mr. Goore.”  When Mary raised an eyebrow Saltarian just smiled.  “As I said, I’ve done my research.”

“Do you need me to escort her out here?  Or has she already run off?”  Mary flinched again and really, if there was one place Mary needed to not run their mouth in this was it.  Thankfully Saltarian seemed more amused than anything.

“I do expect you to collect her, Mr. Goore.  That much is true.  But at this point you would be too late to collect her from her home in St. Louis.”  Saltarian reached down and lifted up another paper to hold out for Mary and when they grabbed it and saw the face staring up from it Mary couldn’t stop the groan from escaping.

The Cardinal was glaring up at him from a wanted poster.  Fuck.

“Has he taken an interest in your girl?”  Mary wouldn’t put it past Copia, looking at the sketch of her face she was certainly his type.  

“Cardinal Copia has always taken an interest in my affairs Mr. Goore, this will be no different.  The man has been getting more bold in his assaults on myself and my associates.  I think it’s expected he will make an attempt at kidnapping my future bride.”  Saltarian took back the pictures when Mary passed them over.

“So then what’s the plan?  I mean, I appreciate your confidence in my abilities, but even I can’t take on The Cardinal and those Ghouls of his alone.”  Saltarian didn’t respond at first, he just stood up and made his way over to a large map on the wall.

“My men will be taking the usual route from St. Louis and I expect The Cardinal to make a move somewhere in western Missouri or when they get to Kansas.”  Mary watched as Saltarian traced a route along the map with his finger.  The man wasn’t wrong, Mary would expect Copia to make a move around there as well. 

“If I leave now I could probably intercept them when they hit Colorado.”  Mary got up to stand with Saltarian at the map.  The man wasn’t very intimidating physically but Mary kept a hand on their gun belt regardless.  

“Ah Mr. Goore, you need to think like The Cardinal for a moment.  He likes to believe he’s clever so rather than take the direct route to that casino his brother owns he’ll go south and head through Texas, New Mexico and Arizona.”

“Ok fine, but what am I supposed to do when I meet up with them?  We’re not exactly friends so he ain’t gonna be very happy to see me, especially if he’s kidnapped your girl.”  Saltarian smiled and made his way over to a small bar in the corner, pouring himself a glass of whiskey before he went back over to sit behind his desk.  Mary stayed put and leaned against the wall.  Having the door to the office at their back was not something they were comfortable with any longer.

“Once it’s decided exactly which route The Cardinal will take, my men will gather in one of the numerous abandoned mining towns that are scattered around the area and it will be your job to lead him and his Ghouls there.”  Saltarian took a sip of his whiskey and then set it back down on his desk.  Mary couldn’t help but notice it landed right on the picture of his bride.

“What about the girl?”

“I expect either The Cardinal will drag her along to the ambush or she’ll stay behind with one or two of his men.  Either way all you have to do at that point is grab her and bring her to me.” 

“Hopefully he doesn’t drag her to the ambush, I’d hate for her to get caught in some crossfire.”

“Mr. Goore I want to make one thing clear, while I’m hiring you specifically to collect my future wife, if she's between you and Cardinal Copia I expect you to take the shot.”  Mary knew they probably looked like an idiot standing there with their mouth open, but that last comment was not what they expected.

“What are you going to tell this poor girl’s parents if she ends up getting hurt?  Or worse?”  Mary pushed off from the wall and walked over to stand in front of the desk.  “Look, The Cardinal has a one track mind when it comes to you, everyone knows that, but he wouldn’t do anything to hurt an innocent girl.  Or even a not so innocent one.”

“If she ends up hurt, or worse, it will be something easy to lay at Cardinal Copia’s feet.”  Saltarian took another sip and gave Mary a smile that made their skin crawl.  “There are plenty of pretty girls in the world, Mr. Goore, I don’t plan on wasting my time mourning this one.”

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

The Cardinal had almost kissed you.

That was the singular thought going through your mind right now.  It had started to sink in while he and this Mary person bickered.  You weren’t sure how they knew each other yet, or if they were friends or enemies.  Really the only thing you could think about was The Cardinal’s face as he had leaned closer to yours.  

He had a surprising amount of freckles.

Ok, no you couldn’t think of those.  Or of how green his one eye was and how the white one wasn’t as frightening as you thought up close.  The black around his eyes had faded but you knew he usually reapplied it after breakfast.  Same with the black on his upper lip.  Would that have rubbed off onto yours if you had kissed each other?  

What would the kiss have been like if Mary hadn’t interrupted you?  Your parents barely touched let alone kiss so the few you’d seen shared between them were just quick pecks.  Certainly nothing like the ones you had dreamed of between you and The Cardinal.  Just thinking of some of those made your cheeks warm.

You yelped and clapped your hand over your mouth when the man you’d been thinking about suddenly squeezed your waist.  Mary had an eyebrow raised at you and you didn’t need to look up into The Cardinal’s face to know he was doing the same thing.  They seemed to be waiting for you to say something and you felt your blush deepen thinking back on what had been distracting you.

“I’m sorry, what?”  You dug your elbow back into The Cardinal’s gut when he squeezed you again.

“No need to apologize, Darlin’.  Just wanted to know your name.”  When you told Mary they smiled at you and repeated it while leaning against a tree.  “Well now that’s awfully pretty, don’t hear that one around these parts much.”

The Cardinal growled a little and you shivered when you felt it against your back.  Something about Mary was putting him on edge and honestly you felt the same.  They reminded you of some of the men that would attend business meetings with your Father at home.  Men that seemed to say one thing but mean something else.  Men that usually had an ulterior motive for everything they said and did.  Mary was definitely hiding something and you knew that if you were picking up on it The Cardinal definitely was.

Which would probably explain all the squeezing and growling.

Why did he have to touch you so much?  You tried to scoot forward a little in the saddle so your back wasn’t resting against him but his arm kept you in place.  You grabbed at his hand and tried to pry his fingers off of you but they just dug in tighter and the sensation made you squeal and push back against him even more.  It was your turn to growl but all he did was chuckle lowly in your ear.

“Well aren’t you two lovebirds precious!”  You glared at Mary, but they just tipped their hat up and grinned at you.  “Shame I wasn’t invited to the wedding.”

“There wasn’t a wedding.”  The Cardinal’s mouth was still close to your ear and you absolutely refused to feel anything other than annoyance as his breath tickled your skin.  Mary whistled a little tune and ambled over to their horse, pulling themselves up onto the saddle with ease.  They adjusted their gun belt and coat then looked back over your way, you could see the teasing glint in their eyes and you prepared yourself for another stupid comment.

“Did you have her Daddy hot on your heels?  Probably didn’t take too kindly to his daughter falling for an outlaw.”  Mary threw a wink your way, but you just glared at them in return.

“Non sono affari tuoi, Goore.”  You could feel The Cardinal getting more and more tense against your back, it seemed less and less likely these two were friends.

“Yeah I suppose you’re right, it’s none of my business.”  Mary started patting their coat pockets and eventually reached inside their coat.  It was your turn to tense when the hand around your waist quickly moved to his revolver, but you both relaxed when Mary’s hand reappeared with a cigarette and a match rather than a weapon.

“What are you doing out here?”  The Cardinal had moved his hand off of his gun and brought it to rest at your waist once more.  You bit your lip to keep yourself from making a sound as he gave you a little squeeze.  It was embarrassing how the smallest of touches from him made you feel.  What was worse is Mary’s eyes seemed to pick up every little thing The Cardinal was doing to you and every little reaction you had to them.

“Oh you know, just wandering around.  Looking for the odd job.”  The Cardinal snorted behind you and skimmed his hand back across your stomach to hold you more firmly.  He pulled on the reins with his other hand and steered Brizio back towards the prairie with Mary following not far behind. 

“Last I heard you were in California, hard to believe you ran out of things to do out there.”  It was Mary’s turn to tense up and you might have missed it if you hadn't been around The Cardinal and his Ghouls the last week or so.  You had been getting good at picking up on their body language towards each other.  “Or did you run out of people to do?”

“Aww Cardinal, are you sayin’ I’m easy?”  The Cardinal snorted again and you felt him relax a bit when Mary laughed in return.  “Well you aren’t far from the truth, mostly I was just bored.  So I wandered a bit through Nevada, then Arizona.  Was making my way through New Mexico when lucky me, I ran into you.”

“Yes, how lucky.”  Now you snorted, because the deadpan voice The Cardinal used was one you hadn’t really heard from him before.  Regardless of Mary’s motivations at least they were bringing out some new aspects of your Cardinal.  No, not your Cardinal.  The Cardinal.  Where had that thought come from?

“But seriously, how’d you crazy kids meet?  No offense, Sweet Cheeks, but you’re not exactly dressed for traveling on horseback.”  You had made your way out of the woods and back into the prairie, but The Cardinal pulled up on the reins and stopped right at the edge.  Mary stopped their horse as well, close enough you could reach out and touch them.

“What does it matter to you, Goore?”  The Cardinal had tensed up again at your back, his arm around your waist tightening. 

“Oh it doesn’t really, but last time I saw you there was a different pretty girl in your lap.”  You flinched but you couldn’t say if it was at the thought of The Cardinal holding someone else like this or at the vicious sounding Italian word that he spit out at Mary.  Unfortunately Mary didn’t seem to get the hint they should shut up so they kept prattling on, “When was that, a few months ago?  Anyway, that girl you were kissing at The Ministry was a looker, you think she still works there?”

You clenched your teeth and prayed Mary would just shut up.  The Cardinal wasn’t yours and you should not be jealous hearing about him with other women.  Of course he had been with others!  What had Sunshine said?  The Cardinal had a type.  The cities out here were probably full of the women he normally went for.  Just another reason for you to get your head out of the clouds and stop dreaming about him.

Mary must have picked up on your souring mood because they didn’t say anything for a moment, The Cardinal was silent as well.  You wished that he would just start back for camp again, you needed to put some distance between him.  Having him hold you like this was making it hard to think.  

“You pregnant, Sweet Cheeks?”

“Excuse me?”  Your indignant question was nearly drowned out by The Cardinal’s sudden laughter.  You shoved your elbow back into his gut and he groaned before muttering ‘sorry’ into your ear.  

“What?  I’m just trying to figure out how he landed a girl like you.”  Mary put his cigarette out on the handle of one of his guns and flicked it out into the grass.  You decided you’d been silent long enough during this conversation and straightened up to answer them.

“For your information The Cardinal and his Ghouls rescued me from a group of outlaws that attacked my stagecoach back in Oklahoma.  They’ve agreed to take me to my original destination.”  A small smile appeared on your face when you felt The Cardinal’s hand give you a little squeeze.

“Well, isn't that kind of him?  Damn Cardinal, you’ve sure changed your ways since I last saw you.”  Mary turned to look at you both with a devious smirk on their face, “Did you find Jesus?”

In just a few seconds The Cardinal burst into action, letting you go and reaching over to grab Mary roughly at his shoulders.  You yelped and leaned over, clinging to Brizio’s neck to try and stay out of the way.  Mary was trying to fight back, but The Cardinal had taken them by surprise and pulled them roughly off of their horse.  You could hear Mary groaning as soon as they landed on the ground.

The Cardinal straightened back up behind you and slipped both of his hands around your waist to pull you back against him.  In the next moment he had gripped Brizio’s reins and spurred the horse into action, taking off back across the prairie towards camp.  When his arm went back around your waist you couldn’t help but hold onto it with your hands, but soon you had to bring one back up to cover your mouth.

Laughter had started to bubble out of you and it wasn’t long before The Cardinal joined in.  You assumed Mary would be getting up to follow you shortly and it wasn’t long before you could hear hoofbeats getting closer behind you.  The Cardinal didn’t seem concerned, he just continued to steer Brizio closer to camp.  You were curious as to how the Ghouls would react to Mary’s presence, hopefully they got along better with Mary than The Cardinal did.

Judging by Dewdrop’s shouting as you came back to camp you were wrong.

“What in the fuck are they doing here?”

“Aww I missed you too Dewdrop.”  Mountain held an arm out and stopped the smaller man from launching at Mary.  “Sunshine, my queen!  You’re looking as beautiful as ever!”

It was Aether that stopped Sunshine, Swiss stepping in to lend a hand when she was still able to make progress towards Mary.

“Mary won’t be staying long.  Sunshine!”  She had managed to shove Swiss away and pull one of her knives out but stopped after The Cardinal shouted at her.  Mary definitely wasn’t helping things, they had gotten off their horse and started blowing kisses Sunshine’s way.  She took a few steps towards them again but The Cardinal said something in Italian causing her to growl and spin away to stalk off towards the woods, Dewdrop hot on her heels.

You felt his hands squeeze your waist briefly before he swung off of Brizio.  He took a moment to watch Mary interact with Aether before turning and holding his hands up for you to take.  You tried to be elegant about it but there wasn’t much you could do with how big your skirts were.  He moved his hands to your waist and you settled yours on his shoulders as he practically lifted you off and onto the ground next to him.

For a moment it felt like you were both in your own little world, his hands were still gently holding you and he had you boxed in between him and Brizio.  You glanced around briefly but it seemed like everyone else was preoccupied with Mary’s arrival.  When he reached a hand up to tuck some of your hair back behind your ear you couldn’t help but let your eyes drift closed for a moment.

“That was quick thinking back there, Principessa,”  You opened your eyes to look up at him and he gave you a small smile.  “I’m impressed.”

You shrugged and looked back down to the ground, “It didn’t seem like you trusted them, so I figured I shouldn’t tell them the truth.”  

“Which is what?”  He brought a hand up to your chin and gently tilted your head back up so he could meet your gaze.

“That you’ve kidnapped me and you’re holding me for ransom.”  The Cardinal chuckled briefly before letting you go and taking a step back.

“Ah yes, that.”  You saw him flex his hand briefly and he glanced back towards camp for a moment before continuing, “Be careful around Mary.  Stay close.”

“So you and Mary aren’t friends.”  He chuckled again and shook his head.

“Mary would be friends with anyone for the right price.” 

“Aww Cardinal, that hurts my feelings.”  In an instant The Cardinal had grabbed your hand and yanked you behind him.  You couldn’t help but let out a small yelp as he tightly squeezed your hand in his.

“Satan’s dick, Goore.” He made a move towards Mary but they immediately held their hands up and walked back towards camp.  When Mary was out of earshot The Cardinal turned and started to let go of your hand, but he stopped when he saw you wince.  “Ah, Principessa.  Mi dispiace, are you ok?”

You nodded but couldn’t help but wince again when he brought your hand up and held it against his chest.  “It’s ok Cardinal, I’m fine.”  Your mouth fell open when he pulled your hand up further and placed a quick kiss on the back before dropping it and nodding his head towards camp.

“Bene, let’s go get some breakfast, eh?”  He turned and started making his way towards the others, but for a moment you were frozen in place.  The feeling of his lips against your skin was still there like a brand.  You looked down at your hand almost expecting to see a mark, but there was nothing.  A whistle made you look up to see him waiting for you with a familiar smirk on his face.

The bastard knew what he was doing.

Despite Mary’s presence, breakfast was relatively uneventful.  They made small talk with Aether and Swiss but most everyone else was quiet.  The Cardinal didn’t eat much and you couldn’t bring yourself to eat much either.  Having Mary here was making you more and more nervous as the morning stretched on.  Maybe The Cardinal was rubbing off on you, but it was a feeling you couldn’t shake.

It was obvious you weren’t the only ones who were suspicious of Mary’s motives.  Dewdrop and Sunshine had wandered back over but all they had done was glare at Mary.  Sunshine had dropped another knife into your lap and you gave her a soft smile before shoving it into your pocket with the other one.  You weren’t sure you’d be able to use them if the need arose, but if she felt like you needed them you weren’t going to say no.

As breakfast wound down Mary pulled out another cigarette and you couldn’t help but sigh.  How long were they planning on sticking around?  You hated how on edge everyone was and you couldn’t help but worry that Mary was here to take you to Saltarian.  It would be near impossible for them to take down The Cardinal and his Ghouls but you didn’t want to see anyone hurt.  Even Dewdrop had grown on you a little bit despite the fact that he still growled at you if you got too close to him.

“So Sweet Cheeks, where did you say you were headed again?”  

“She didn’t.”  Mary smiled around their cigarette at The Cardinal’s response, not even looking his way and keeping their eyes on you.

“Right, right.  Well I was just thinking that I could take her wherever she’s headed.  Save you all the hassle of babysitting.”

“That’s not going to happen, Goore.”  The Cardinal stood up and stalked over to Mary before continuing, “It’s time for you to go.”

“Ok, ok.  I can tell when I’m not wanted.”  Mary flicked their cigarette into the dying fire and stood up.  “Oh and just a warning, I’d be careful if you’re heading west.”

“Oh?  Why is that?”

“Ran across some of Saltarian’s goons setting up shop in an empty mining town about an hour from here.”  You and everyone else in the camp froze at Mary’s words.  It didn’t take long for The Cardinal to burst into action though, he closed the distance between him and Mary and clenched his fists in the front of Mary’s coat.

“Stronzo!  You didn’t think this was something you should’ve shared earlier?”  Mary laughed and that just enraged The Cardinal more.  Aether and Mountain rushed over to try and separate them, but everyone else had their hands on their weapons and were staying put.

“I didn’t think it mattered!  You were the one being cagey about where you were going.”  Mary stumbled backwards as The Cardinal shoved him away.  You watched as he stood there seething over what Mary had hidden from him.  What they had hidden from all of you.  When you looked down at your hands you found they were shaking.

Was this it?  Was this where you were to be rescued and taken on to Saltarian?  You clenched your fists and took a few deep breaths to try and stay calm.  This should be something you wanted, you should want to be rescued.  To find your way safely to your future husband and away from the hands of these outlaws.

You closed your eyes and took another steadying breath and then looked back over to The Cardinal.  He had turned away from Mary, leaving Aether and Mountain to keep an eye on them.  The Cardinal was looking right at you, his mismatched eyes capturing your gaze and you couldn’t bring yourself to look away.  All you could think about was how it felt when he touched you, how it felt when he had kissed your hand.  His gaze wasn’t wavering and you found yourself thinking of one more thing…

You didn’t want to go.             

~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Copia had known they were heading into a trap.

It had been obvious and it pissed him off to no end.  Mary had a terrible poker face and Copia knew from the minute they had stumbled upon him in the woods it wasn’t an accident.  What Copia didn’t know yet was why Mary had led them into the trap to begin with.  It was too early for word of the ransom to get to Saltarian, to get to anyone really.  Rain and Mountain had hired someone to take the note directly to the bastard’s home in Nevada and there was no way they were there by now.

So what was Mary’s game here?  It wasn’t like them to come up with schemes like this on their own, the only thing that motivated Mary was money.  A lot of money.  Copia had spent most of the morning trying to sort out who might’ve been the one to hire Goore and whoever else had been waiting in this damned ghost town.  It wasn’t really something that mattered in the grand scheme of things, but focusing on it helped keep Copia’s mind off of you.

He shouldn’t have tried to kiss you.

He really had no excuse.  Or at least he was trying to convince himself he had no excuse.  Things had definitely felt different now that he knew you weren’t marrying Saltarian by choice.  Finding that out had motivated him to tell you of his own reasoning behind his actions.  Copia wasn’t one to open up about anything, to anyone.  Yet that night by the campfire found him telling you things he’d never shared with anyone before.       

There was just something about you he couldn’t shake.  Maybe it was how even when he knew you had been scared out of your mind you still didn’t back down.  How you hadn’t hesitated to come after him when his teasing had gone too far.  Or go after anyone else for that matter, Dewdrop was still whining about the bite you had given him.  But Copia had to be honest with himself and admit that from the moment he had met your eyes as he rode up on the stagecoach he had felt something.  

That feeling was coursing through his veins as the bullets hit the overturned wagon he was hiding behind.  He had to get out of here, he had to get his friends out of here.  Copia refused to be taken out in this shit hole because of whatever dumb fucking deal Mary had made.  He was so close to finishing what he had started years ago.  To what Saltarian had started.  This wasn’t going to be how things ended for him.

Copia looked back towards the road they came in on when he heard hoofbeats racing off and was met with the sight of Mary heading back the way they came.  Copia growled and took a moment to collect himself.  He thought back to his days in the abbey, to his days when he was an actual Cardinal.  A prayer to Lucifer started to fall from his lips as he reloaded his guns with the last of his bullets and he took a steadying breath.  He wasn’t going to let Mary take you.

He wasn’t going to let you go.

Go to Chapter 5: Copia

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[katetings]

12 18 22

i tried this wine the other day: a tasty white macabeo from the south of france with a minimalist typeface and a pretty label.

after pouring myself a glass, i googled the name.

embruns.

french for 'sea spray' or 'spindrift'.

i was sitting in the pit of my depression this morning, big juicy tears running down my face, feeling nothing and everything all at once. that dichotomy is hard to explain to people who haven't experienced it.

i took a photo of myself to see whether or not my pain is something tangible or if it's this invisible thing that's silently swallowing me up. turns out, i look fucking terrible.

+ + +

i've recently vocalized to a few friends for the first time that i feel suicidal. when people hear that word – suicidal – they harden faster than you can believe. everyone always tell you to say it when you feel it, but when you do, people don't know what to do with it.

i think it's because everyone has their own experience with that word. something they've felt; something they've seen someone else feel; something they don't understand; an idea that seems so abstract – so encompassing – that it's just simply too paralyzing to navigate. my sister tried to kill herself when she was sixteen. i know that feeling in my guts: trying to make logical sense of something that is deeply psychological.

attempting to understand someone's depression or suicidal ideations is like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

but, for several weeks, i've been trying to understand my own. after years of therapy and a whole lot of self awareness, it's always incredible to watch something engulf you like quicksand before you can say 'someone please help me'.

but, then: embruns. sometimes, i feel like i'm at the bottom of a wave as it crashes down and sucks me back up through its insides. those are the days where the big, juicy tears come and i've lost track of what direction is up.

other times, i'm behind the wave in calm, glassy water: sitting, observing, watching it coil, reveling in its beauty.

i really thought life would be a lot more of the ladder, but it turns out adulthood is kind of just a series of fucked up barrels that are coming for you whether you're ready to deal with them or not. + + +

maybe on your best days, you see the beauty in all of it. but on the worst days, the impending doom – the sheer inertia – is enough to make you drown. most of the time, though, i find that i'm caught in the spindrift. embruns. the remnants of the last wave. the residual shit. the slow burn.

it comes. it goes. it comes. it goes. it comes again.

it's this constant thing that does not stop. it'll whip you in the face when you aren't ready for it. it'll invigorate you when you are.

but no matter what you do, or how you feel, there it is. and, in examining this idea, i've realized that the spindrift is so much more engulfing than the wave itself. when i look at myself in that photo, i see so much pain. but i also see this passivity deep in my eyeballs. like, i don't want to die. but i don't really care if i live. i'm not going to hurt myself, but i don't care if someone else hurts me. we're all so fixated on the big, hard moments and how we'll deal with them. who will be there. what it'll feel like. but the devil is in the details, isn't it? the small moments that never stop. the feeling of being alone when you really want someone around. it's heartbreaking. i hope i'll revel in the beauty again one day. but for now, there's always another french wine to try.

santé.