#mona lisas side by side- can you tell which one was painted by which apprentice?
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#the mental illness is really mental illnessing tonight#it's just... my period. it's just the hormones in my body. that's all#it's just the reoccuring aching feeling of.... that weird feeling I get stuck in#people have always wanted to be my friend but never wanted to be my friend#just an idea of me#and I know. I know. I know it's the /fucking/ DID probably and how long it went undiagnosed and unexamined#how was I *ever* expected to believe that a friend truly wanted to be my friend when each piece forms their own relationships with people-#but everyone else only forms a relationship with what they view as a Singular Me#years of reading messages and feeling like they're meant for someone else#years of conversations where I could tell someone was reaching for connection that I didn't feel. And either fumbling the ball terribly#or faking it#not understanding what was *wrong*#and I know the problem now but not how to fix it#I don't even know who I am. I don't. I don't.#Sometimes it feels so obvious. Sometimes the pieces click and I *know*#part of me feels so desperately like.... like this would be easier if it was the more mainstream-recognized presentation#if there was a paula and a mike in my head-#not just the endless versions of myself- crystallized by their necessity.#mona lisas side by side- can you tell which one was painted by which apprentice?#chunks of my life- chunks of my memory- of my connections to others seperated out because the other option was-#I'm not sure what the other option was#I have a psychotic break down as a small child? Unable to tell the authorities what was wrong?#like anyone would have believed me.#like anyone believed me#I can't blame my brain for doing this. I know too much about child development to pretend like it should have been able to handle it.#sometimes I just.... sometimes I wish she'd been successful#that's all#but what an unkind thing to wish upon my parents.#'Everything would have broken... everything but you.'
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