#momlife selfimprovement motivation findingmyself

[goodthingimamom]

New beginnings?

I am attempting to pick up where I left off 5 years ago, with a freshly-started and soon-forgotten blog (a wordpress by the same name, as a matter of fact. Its still there, lonely and inactive). I had just had my daughter, I was a stay at home mom while Baby Daddy was working full time as a car salesman (money was very tight), and I was trying to find my place in a world where I never actually got to interact with anyone. I found a mommy group on Facebook and I was suddenly surrounded by people with a common interest. Immediately I found myself interested in baby wearing, cloth diapers, and all things crunchy and granola. If you’re a mom, you know what that means. Basically, I wanted to get to the roots of all-natural parenting, happy to ignore the “progressive” movements such as pureed first foods and self-soothing. 

To be clear, I still believe in these things. What I also learned, however, is that the mom community is outrageously judgmental and cliquey-- two things I avoided through all of my undergraduate life. I found myself confused at first; why did I feel left out? Yes, I’m a stay at home mom, but in this circle I have joined and have felt so at home with, how have I come to feel like such an outsider? Is it even possible to form cliques in an online community? Surprisingly, the answer is yes. With one post, you find your questions go unanswered. You feel a little lost, a little misguided, and a little abandoned. You have a question about the one squishy thing you love most in this world, your flesh and your spawn, yet no one is listening to your concerns. No big deal, some posts are missed. You try again on another day with another topic. Again, your post is ignored while other moms-- the funny ones, the generous ones, the bubbly and smart and wise ones, all have their posts answered in seconds by ten and twenty or more responses. What’s so different about mine? 

This became a theme until I realized that maybe the parenting community wasn’t a community after all. We had a common interest but no common core. So once again, I felt like the same outsider I had been all throughout high school; nice enough and under the radar, but still a little awkward and ostracized. 

About a year and a half after my daughter was born, Baby Daddy and I went through a separation. I knew it meant divorce for us because I knew the definition of common-law marriage. I knew avoiding it would only end in a tax audit and I wasn’t down for that. Anyway, I moved in with my mom and step-dad, got a retail job that I actually love, and put my nose deeper into my school books. I was aiming for a degree in nursing but was still largely undecided (I ended up focusing on biochemistry, but that has since come full circle and I’m back to nursing. That’s another long and fairly boring story).

I dated a guy, I spent a lot of money I shouldn’t, and once a week when my daughter was with her dad, I had a life. I HAD A LIFE. I’ve NEVER had a life before. I got out, I went on adventures, skipped town for the night, enjoyed myself and my independence from my parents’ house. I lived. And then that eventually ended too, with a lot less money than I had before. 

More long stories and two years later, I finally bought a condo for my daughter and myself to live in together. For the first time, I would have my own place and make my own rules for my daughter. Everything was set. I was still in school, I just landed full-time status at work, and I was ready for the single-mom lifestyle. Honestly, it was more than I had ever realized I wanted. Just me and my girl and my independence. 

A few weeks after having my offer accepted on the condo, I decided to try online dating; lets face it, I wasn’t meeting anyone anywhere. A few messages here, a dinner date there, and then I found him-- my search for love had ended and I knew it the first night of us talking. Sounds too good to be true, right? Right. In all honesty, we hit it off perfectly. Everything we talked about was in sync. He was sincerely interested in me, he wasn’t pushy and made no assumptions, he was even so shy that I had to ask him out first. The poor man could barely ask for my number on his own. We had our first date, and he was adorably shy and reserved but we had a great time. We stayed out until 2 am when I had work at 5 the next morning. He tried to take me out to lunch after I was off work and I politely declined in favor of a nap. The next day was the first day of the new semester and we got lunch after I was out of class. The rest was history. 

As it turned out, exactly a month after our first date, I closed on my condo. I moved in three days later. Bless his heart, he basically did the whole move himself, especially after I sliced my finger open with scissors on moving day and had to get 8 stitches. He literally wouldn’t let me lift a finger for the rest of the day. He hasn’t spent a night away since. 

Yes, he has lived in my condo since day 1 (though he didn’t move his stuff in until 3 months later, technicially). In many ways, I have to tell myself that it was a sacrifice to make for a supportive man who truly does love me. He has a hot temper, we fight, we disagree (he’s a control freak and I’m freakishly independent; we don’t see eye to eye a lot of the time). In the tough moments, I regret it all. Letting him stay that first night, setting that precedent. Not putting my foot down and letting myself be in control of my own life for the first time ever. Going with the flow to see what would happen instead of deciding for myself. 

For those of you who are wondering, he is great with my daughter. His son is 4 months older than her, and he really is great with kids. He’s stern, so he commands her respect, and she learned quickly that he will not bend to her 3-year-old whim. She may not always like him, and neither do I, but we both love him. He reminds me of my own dad in a lot of ways; very imperfect but very well-loved. Despite all the commotion at times, I have never felt so secure. I have never felt so connected to someone and so unable, spiritually, to remove myself from them. I have never had a problem letting go of people who prove they don’t deserve a place in my life. But even on our bad days, I don’t let him go. It’s not that I can’t, its just that I don’t. I choose not to. Sometimes I consider it, sometimes he does, too. Neither one of us commits to leaving because we commit to stay instead. And I guess that’s what really locks it in for me, because isn’t that the first rule of marriage? “Til death do us part” is tested the second a man and his bride lose their lustful passion. The second they argue and regret their choice to wed, the second they want to back out and take the easy route (the one where they don’t have to responsible for any other adult’s happiness or well being). That’s when divorce happens. That’s when it happened for me. But this time, as quickly as it started, as fiercely as we love and fight, I don’t back down. And neither does he. 

And, here I am now. I’m a mom with a very, very small circle of friends. Its more of a triangle, really. One best friend and a few acquaintances, some stronger than others. Some come and go. I have a step-son who challenges me the way all children who aren’t mine always have in that I don’t know what my role is supposed to be or where my boundaries lie. My daughter is my soul mate, my husband is my pillar, and my dogs are my biggest hobby. I have tried so, so many hobbies-- photography, video games, BLOGGING (lol!), baking, homemaking, sewing, crafts.... Nothing sticks. Nothing inspires me. I enjoy taking pictures, but not enough to get out of my house and go find pictures to take. I LOVE cooking, but it feels like a chore most days since I don’t have an affluence with which to buy ingredients for dishes I really want to make. As much as I like how scientific and precise baking is, it bores me. Video games stress me out because the entire time I just feel like I’m supposed to finish, so I never actually enjoy what I’m doing. 

So why the blog? That’s a good question, and the best answer I have is that maybe I’m trying to redirect my addiction to social media into a forum that could actually be productive. Its the opportunity for self-reflection, a medium for honesty in my progress or lack thereof. Its a flowing brainstorm, a mind map of more than 160 characters, where I can bounce ideas off myself. Maybe that will help me find myself and my passions. Find my direction. 

My current focuses for beginning this self-improvement revolution include:  1. Get back to being obsessed with school; my 4.0 GPA fell apart after I moved out of my parents, partly due to being busier with a bigger family, partly due to working full-time, and partly due to being overwhelmed with the feeling that I can’t hold it all together any more.  2. Do something for myself each day that does not include the television or Facebook. Actually pick up that guitar I bought myself when I had signed up for guitar classes (before I moved and I thought I would have time for such things), pull the keyboard I got my daughter for Christmas out of the closet and start remembering how to read music, play sudoku, or read a book. 3. Use the Happy Planner that I bought (and am in LOVE with!) but always forget to use. Seriously, I’m so unorganized that I can’t even remember to keep my planner with me. I always think I won’t need it, and then I realize too late that I do.  4. Try to keep up with my appearances a little more. I am seriously obsessed with house shoes and sweatpants. It’s becoming a problem. Now I’m shaving my legs a few times a week, I’m wearing actual clothes when I leave the house, and sometimes I even wear makeup. I’m trying this new thing, you may have heard of it, its called fake it til I make it. Basically I dress like I have my life together and maybe I’ll start to feel like I do.  5. Get back in shape! Get out and run the dogs, they need it anyway. Go to the gym after the kids are in bed instead of passing out immediately. I got myself some home weights to use while I watch Netflix. 

I have 3 weeks until the end of this semester, and then it is summer break which means I won’t have to feel guilty about enjoying myself. The Hubs and I have a lot to do, like fixing both of our cars and doing some home maintenance, but we are also really hoping to go camping this summer. In 3 days we start crate training our puppy. I want to exercise my butt off, literally, because come October I will be the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding. After summer my kids are starting kindergarten. After next semester, I will (maybe?) be applying to nursing school. There are seriously so many things I need to get motivated for. And motivated is just something I’ve never been. 

So that’s what this is. My accountabili-buddy. My declarations and confessions. My admission to success and relapse. This is my account of self-improvement and self-actualization. Stay tuned if you feel so inclined.