#mochasthoughts

[mochaout]

Teacher

Thank you for the lessons you have brought

Thank you for teaching me how to identify and know what I need (by modeling unhealthy attachments)

Thank you for teaching me rebirth (by pushing me to the core of me)

Thank you for teaching me patience and wasting time is not the same (by being an investment with little to no return)

Thank you for teaching me how people show value where they find value (by highlighting my value to you is only derived from how you benefit from me, it’s not inherent)

Thank you for teaching me boundaries (by walking all over me when it benefited you)

Thank you for teaching me confidence (by taking every opportunity you can find to work to tear me down mentally and emotionally)

Thank you for teaching how to be vulnerable (by belittling my emotions or communications)

Thank you for being my toughest teacher yet

I loved you (I love me more now)

No longer your student

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

yet to be...

I can taste the newness on your lips

the unexplained pathways and galaxies residing within your heart

you exist in habitable space, burning brighter than a sun

a rare star yet to be named

you wrap me in your light and balance

an unexpected discovery

an unanticipated gift

time disappears when I enter your atmosphere

and we live in the now; in the present

you consume me with the intensity of your gaze

the softest smile and the strongest stare causing the earth to rumble

you hold me firmly grounding us in the peaceful stillness of your embrace

there’s tranquility in your presence, Love, as I rest in your arms

you grip me with the fullness of you; complex, layered, beautiful

with a smile that glows from your heart

it has been an honor to make your acquaintance

to be able to experience the intensity of our exchange

that grounds me in the moments of our shared time

—Mocha Out

[mochaout]

illusions

in a desert of forgotten love

a mirage appears in the distance

safety

temperatures rise in protest

to forced happiness and utopia

molten

as time is no longer measured

by the sands of memory

fading

drawing closer to the fallacy of perception

the disappearance of reality

gone

smiles fade as mouths parch

from the dryness of touch

rough

knees give, in exhaustion of false praise

the shape of limbs vanish in the wind

lost

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

exit stage

What was left was her quiet shell. Her voiceless vessel. The mechanics of movement intact. She could still smile, she could still love, her body could still respond; involuntarily…the absence of applause

only the actress no one could see remained.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

#medicine

...love is not the cure...if the disease...does not recognize its presence...

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

fever dream

hmm, what is the emptiness that memory only half fills

inside a desolate heart?

masquerading in a created reality of shared imagination;

is it a sea of dreams broken,

or simply madness?

at least those are my thoughts when

I can no longer reach you

or lose myself gazing inside your eyes

which possess the wisdom of a world’s past...

I grieve the memory of how we connected

on an incorporeal plane of understanding

like we have always been uniquely paired in lifetimes

entangled in beautiful and mysterious ways

our energetic rhythm riding the winds blessings

ooh baby

it sounds like the melody of us

playing on an internal soundtrack of unspoken truths

we have always been fated at ill-fated times...

I yearn for the day when the cosmos again commune

and we encounter one another

like distant stars crossing every millennia

on the universe’s timing

alas,

this is the fallacy of intangible things

when only fading glimpses of us remain

as my denial becomes clearer

i know you existed with me for a time

didn’t you?

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

faceless (an unfinished story)

At a very early age they all became a blur

No longer were features distinguishable

They were all a part of the same whole reminiscent of those who took from her

She was not aware of it until she attempted to stare at them

Bodies with no heads

They were invisible to her

An echo of an encounter or exchange

If only they knew she never saw them

They did not matter

The only thing present was whatever she wanted or needed

The means by which she accomplished her pursuit was not important

Her actions a reflection of how much she felt she did not matter

Believing she was insignificant allowed her to continue as she did

It was balancing the scales some

They were no different; meaningless manifestations of what flavor she wanted to try

All the takers who showed no concern

Taught lessons she was unaware she had learned

Emotions were no longer a factor to becoming callous for self gratification

She became the manipulator

Orchestrating exactly what she set out to take...

Predatory;

Hearts, minds, bodies, and energies exploited because she learned

The only thing that mattered

Was nothing

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Foreplay

in the warmest blanket of brown you grip me

wrapping me in a vision not yet realized

you shift giving away the desire slowly permeating the intent behind your stare

this is how you continue to take my breath away

your eyes bear into me with the intensity of 1000 suns

burning away any obstacles and leaving me naked, in need of your warmth

longing for the strength of your hands to hold me

losing my sense of reality as I return your gaze

becoming lost in palatable sensations

as perspiration increases and falls in soft places

this happens every time you look at me

committed

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

i’m sorry

It is with the deepest sympathy that I write these words. It wasn’t my intention to hurt you. It wasn’t my intention to disregard your heart and allow my selfishness to prevail. Although there has been the passage of time the remorse and regret still rear their heads. You deserved better from me. I know I probably don’t have grounds to ask this but I am asking for forgiveness. Asking you to not hold it to my heart because I really do love you. I only want you to be happy. I only want was best for you and one day I want to be that for you again. When you look at me I want you to be proud to have me with you. I want you to smile again at the look I get in my eyes when I’m staring at you, admiring your beauty. I want you to love me again, unashamed and stronger. Please forgive me for failing us. I need you.

(a conversation with my reflection)

—MochaOut

Sometimes you have to speak to yourself and acknowledge when you have made mistakes. Growth is internal and responsibility is the beginning of acceptance.

[mochaout]

1pm thoughts

Moves are not made unless you make them.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

10pm thoughts

i’ve been through too much to allow my pain to be the only testament people remember about me.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

3am thoughts

I still care but one day I won’t.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

question (unanswered)

you’ve become blind to my daily unrest and burden. the despair behind a smile used as a disguise to the truth. the battle for my own forgiveness of myself. a cacophony of voices screaming inside my head. the fear keeping me on edge. if you could understand what i feel like to myself, you would stop hiding your darkness from me. you would embrace who you are and share all of you with me. admitting you were truly the guarded and secretive one. and i was the optimist. filled with hope for a different outcome other than what lay before me. i have always seen you. watched you walk away unaware that you were. you left me and then blamed me for your pain when it was reciprocated. my departure being the biggest devastation anyone who knew me could have imagined. the responsibility resting solely on me. the only question to answer is this,

did either of our pain hurt any less when we felt betrayal, abandonment, and loss at the hands of the very person we loved beyond what we could have ever imagined we would feel?

—MochaOut

(Breakdown of a Relationship Series)

[mochaout]

8am thoughts

Realizing an end is occurring is both terrifying and freeing. As uncertain as what lies ahead is, I am embracing the changes I know are coming.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

I tire of these well organized and placed words. The uniformity of them so they’re palatable.

I convinced myself at some point that my only avenue was to fly enough under the radar where my frequency was barely noticed. I have lived a life of running from attention but not being able to totally avoid it. Even penning this I am exhausted as my brain packages the well constructed lines only allowing a glimpse into a hint of what I am feeling. I’m fucking tired of censoring myself.

—MochaOut

[mochaout]

Split

i once knew a girl

and to be in her presence could transform you

she had an essence and energy that seemed to wrap you in the best hug you’ve ever had

one would think she possessed magic and put you under a spell every time she smiled

but she lost herself at times

in cycles and thoughts

through traumas and tragedy

distorting her reality

I learned to wait patiently

wait until the light touched her eyes again

and I could feel the enchantment she cast

because the darkness was a hail storm

and she became unrecognizable

abandoning her reasoning in the blackness

no apologies were made there

no this is where she fought the familiar entities

the ones who always smiled with lies on their lips

the faceless ones animating like puppets

the ones that brought torture while she was awake

the ones that infected her like a plague with one touch

she fought and most of the time secured a victory by barely escaping the grips of chaos

i once knew a girl

who shares my reflection

and we are

working to become

whole again

—MochaOut