#mmm yikes job application fead

[a-rain-atherapy]

so ... applying for jobs right now, pretty scary

the amount of hoops I gotta jump through for even a basic entry level position.... damn

me being in the do-nothing, go-home club since forever means I'm mostly outta fucking luck unless I wanna dip into like customer service or physical labor, or settle for something shitty with little to no benefits...or go farther yuck.

cousins have mentioned getting new jobs recently, edd is requiring job searches, all this is just making me feel super ...anxious I guess...

the thought of putting in significant effort with little to no results really fucking terrifies me. it's nerve-wracking. I feel like I can't, like I shouldn't. It's not justifiable to put hope in something that isn't guaranteed. and therefore not justifiable to put effort into something uncertain.

comparing myself to others is no good, yes I know that. everyone goes at their own pace, yes I know that. I should take things one at a time, yes I know that. I should apply always since they use requirements as a kind of screening, yes I know that. but it feels wrong?

man. being a quiet, low effort kid in school fucking rearing it's ugly repercussions hydra heads at me.

reminds me of this one time in elementary, we were asked to write down our goals, ie. what we expected coming in, what we did, and what we hope to learn next year. and me, not thinking not planning not hoping for anything in elementary school, just fucking put down nothing for all 3 columns. I honestly don't know what the fuck they expected elementary school kids to want to learn in elementary school. who tf had like object permanence and had a plan for their school days??? not this kid, that's who.

I got in trouble with the teacher. go figure. can't remember what they said, but they got another teacher to look at my nothing columns and got angry at me for whatever reason. made me take it home and "redo it" and get my parents signature to prove I did it or shame me or something? fucking hated that teacher like wtf was I supposed to put there.? like 'oh yeah I totally hoped to learn about deep sea animals and shapes and how weather works'?????? and 'i only learned about volcanos and Greek gods and something else' so hopefully next year I'll learn 'about the reproductive system and mental illness and physical disability'????????????????????

100% anger even tho I'm supposed to be upset about my stupid lack of job and how I need to find a decent job but have almost no relevant skills and have a really low effort-tolerance level

like fuck I want an office job where I can sit all day ugghhhhhh but most office jobs for beginners are customer service which I guess I can do? hate speaking but if I gotta I guess??? the thing about cs/front desk staff is that they apparently have to do so many other things too? and need like more skills?

would I be upset if I became like a clerk or something? probably no. but family would be disappointed I think and would constantly push me to find a different job in a career path. just wanna be a bum and play games all day this fucking sucks