#mm nothing tmi or anything just a long ramble

[eruhamster]

i hate the feeling of mourning that comes with being cut off from someone. like, i wouldn't even call myself friends with this person. i know for a fact she hated me. but i thought we were at least getting along in the group chat. she'd @ me for stuff and we'd talk. i'd defend her about stuff sometimes. and she was clearly friends with others in the group chat, that's why she was there.

the other day, like probably a week or two ago, she shows some story about some guys that used dark green acne facemasks and took pictures of themselves in it, with the mask all the way around their nose and around their eyes and like, clearly looking like they were doing a blackface bit. the school they were in kicked them out for it and the story was about them going to court about it. she agreed that this was incidental and they didn't mean it, and i and a couple others in the group chat disagreed. it wasn't an aggressive convo, just talking about experiences with these kinds of white guys that do terrible shit and then feign ignorance. but then during the convo she told the other two people, essentially, that if they didn't want to be called racial slurs in video game lobbies or discord channels, they should mute their mic or not be in the discord channel.

i was immediately like 'woah' at that, and while i don't think the conversation got aggressive, she clearly thought she was being dogpiled by 3 different people. she gave some weird apology about feeling differently about the story though no one was really upset with her for that, and when responded to by one of the people she'd basically victim blamed about being called slurs, she said something like 'fine, whatever, you're right. what more do you want from me' and i said she should apologize, and then specified it needs to be toward those two and about what she said about the slurs. she then replied back at me that 'nothing is enough for you' n i just. let that other person handle it, and when he talked to her further she said 'fine i'm stupid' and blocked him on discord and twitter and removed herself from the discord group entirely.

that other person told me later i was being aggressive but i didn't think i was, and i asked others for input with screenshots and only one thought the sarcasm of me saying she should apologize was aggressive (she said 'what more do you want?' and i replied like 'well, you could say something that starts with an s or an a') and my intention had been to be less mean by being less direct. everyone i asked agreed she was being rude and that she was victim blaming and ultimately at fault.

but i still can't stop thinking about it. even if she was in the wrong, even if she seemed like she really overreacted, and even if honestly i didn't like her and she clearly HATED me (we had an issue like.. a year or two prior over her defending harry potter, and like a week after that she got pissed at me just saying ACAB in a channel she wasn't even in at the time, and she then blocked me for months), there's such a strange finality in her cutting us all off, even our mutual friends, that still leaves such a weird sense of mourning.

in a way i feel like that's manipulative in and of itself, because it seems like it's really just a way for her to hurt us and also play victim when it could have just been an agree to disagree sort of thing and her apologizing about her shrugging off the others' experiences with racism, but i still can't stop thinking about it. i wasn't the final straw since i wasn't talking when she decided to block and leave, and again it seemed like most others i asked didn't think i was being aggressive, but the finality of it keeps making me feel like i should go find her and apologize. but for what? it's frustrating. and i know, i know what it's like for people to refuse to see what they've done wrong. i had to cut off someone back 4 years ago now after they really hurt me. and i keep thinking that maybe it's like that, maybe i'm lying to myself and i'm totally at fault and i need to apologize. but then i just look back and it's just. i don't... think i did anything wrong? like honestly. not in a 'i'm a justified asshole' way, i just straight up don't see how this went wrong. and i've been trying to be nicer. i know i come across as aggressive but i am like, trying to reel myself in. so being told i was aggressive initially had me so locked in on thinking i was the problem

but i really. really... can't think of anything. and it's causing such a weird sense of mourning in me for someone i feel like i wouldn't otherwise care either way about