#mizuki: i can deal w dark types

[onebitart]

VS Knights of White

[lancermylove]

Yo my friend! Anon here! Now um this isn't a request or anything like that, but I do wanna ask this since I don't think anyone has thought about this through. I like both twisted wonderland and BSTS, and i wondered which dorms would the casts of Starless fit in NRC. Soo... Which dorm would you think they would fit in if you thought about it? You can ignore this if you consider this a request.

Hi! This is interesting~! Some of the characters can fit into multiple dorms, like Sotetsu can fit into Savanaclaw, Scarabia, and Octavinelle, so I chose the best option for them. For Sotetsu, he loves chaos above all, so Savanaclaw it is. On the flip side, there are some characters that don't really fit any dorms, like Heath. Maybe I should just put them in Ramshackle. XD

Savanaclaw: Sotetsu, Kokuyou, Mizuki, Ran

Diasomnia: Kei, Kongou, Gui

Heartslabyul: Rindou, Hari, Sinju, Ginsei

Pomefiore: Qu, Mokuren, Maica, Akira, Heath

Scarabia: Takami, Zakuro, Sin, Kasumi, Yoshino, Menou

Ignihyde: Taiga, Unei

Octavinelle: Rico, Yakou

(Below the cut is my explanation, aka me brainstorming)

Savanaclaw members like chaos, being #1, are dominant, and physically strong. Kokuyou wants to be #1 in Starless, takes pride in being called Mr. Starless, and considers himself as the alpha of Starless. Mizuki and Ran love chaos. Sotetsu can fit into Savanaclaw, Scarabia, and Octavinelle, but since he loves creating drama above all, Savanaclaw is it.

Diasomnia members are physically strong, intelligent, level-headed (for the most part lol), loyal, and give a knight-like vibe overall. Kei fits all of those, and he is knightly and kingly~ best hubby. ❤️ Kongou is calm, collected, and one of the most mature characters in Starless, and those biceps. :3 Gui is loyal (still hoping his master is not evil), calm, and has been MC's protector since season 1.

Heartslaybul = RULES. Riddle, how long did it take you to memorize those 810 rules? @_@ Rindou likes to follow tradition and seems like someone who would adhere to the rules...maybe due to his past? Ginsei likes the tradition ways as shown by his liking for Mikis shows and scripts. Sinju is too pure to be a rebel in any way, and if someone asks him to follow rules, he will follow them as closely as possible. Hari is raised in a “must follow rules” environment, and though he is breaking the rules by joining Starless, he knows one day he is going to have to return to the world of rules, aka following in his father’s footsteps. 

Pomefiore spells elegance, beauty, and being yourself while continuing to strive for better. Qu and Mokuren are the most graceful, beautiful, and elegant members of Starless, and I can’t imagine them in any other dorms. Maica is also elegant and graceful but in a less feminine way, and I don’t see him fitting in any other dorms; he isn’t cunning or the type to pull strings from behind, nor is he knightly, and he doesn't like chaos and is not an introvert. 

Scarabia = cunning, manipulative, and people who work from the shadows. Takami and Zakuro are very manipulative, cunning, and two of the most sus people in Starless. Takami could also fit in Octavinelle, but I can see him in Scarabia more. Sin isn’t manipulative, but he has pulled a few strings from the shadows. Mostly, Sin prefers to stay in the shadow and watch everything from there. Another person who works from the shadows is Kasumi...he is a ninja, and no one can convince me otherwise. Like, Sin, he sometimes pulls strings but doesn’t straight up manipulate. Season 1 Yoshino would have fit in Heartslabyul, but his character development has pushed him to the dark side. He is willing to go to any length to get songs in Starless, and even he has confessed this. It won’t be long until Yoshino starts openly manipulating.  Menou is in Starless for acting only and doesn’t care about anything else, aside from sleeping lol. He does have a manipulative side and is sharp as hell but prefers to keep everything to himself. Menou likes to watch and create drama by adding salt to wounds, but I can’t see him in Savanaclaw. 

Ignihyde has introverts, gamers, and people who are good with technology, so pretty much Taiga. I think Unei also fits in this dorm as he is one of the few members of Starless that can use technology properly lol. 

Octavinelle is the business version of Scarabia, so pretty much if you want something, you have to pay a price. They seem more self-centered and focus on things solely because it benefits them or they can get entertainment out of it. This is why Sotetsu fits in Octavinelle as well. Anytime anyone wants something from him, he asks what benefit he will get out of the deal. Rico, since day 1, has thought about himself and is more self-centered than not. Due to his debt, he looks for ways to pay off his debt, including making deals that are risky. Yakou only had one goal since he entered Starless, to go against Sinju and prove he’s better. Whatever he did was for his own benefit, and once he achieved his goal, he left to pursue his career. In Octavinelle’s chapter, Azul mentions “benevolent heart” and “pity” a lot, and it feels like Yakou returns to Starless when he is needed, either due to his benevolent heart or because he pities them or both. Remember, Yakou is one of the few members that can live a normal life and doesn’t need Starless.  

Now, the two members I’m struggling to sort: Akira and Heath. Akira is in Starless for singing, but he doesn’t manipulate and says what he feels. He isn’t knightly or loyal to Team W (he has mentioned wanting to fight Team W by creating his own team), and Akira is not the one to follow rules. He doesn’t work from the shadows and is the only one who has pointed out that some people in Starless are shady AF. If someone asks Akira for help (like Heath), Akira doesn’t always ask for anything in return nor does he try to manipulate. He is definitely not an introvert and isn’t techy, so that leaves Pomefiore. Akira isn’t the elegant type, like Qu, but he is very true to himself and isn’t willing to change that, so he kinda fits in Pomefiore. Heath doesn’t fit in Diasomnia or Savanaclaw due to his lack of physical strength, and he isn’t manipulative nor does he look for benefit in everything, so no Scarabia or Octavinelle. He isn’t the type of follow rules and makes this evident in his rap lyrics, so bye Heartslabyul. That leaves Ignihyde and Pomefiore. He isn’t a super social person and isn’t techy, and he is not the type to focus on beauty, grace, but he is true to himself. He always writes what/how he feels and won’t change that for anyone, so like Akira, he fits in Pomefiore. Both the singer and rapper don’t have specific traits for one dorm, so it’s very hard for me to pick the perfect dorm for them.  

[deerixiie]

description: one by one, love stole the people oikawa cared about the most. it stole him, too.

pairings: oikawa tooru x fem!reader

w/c: 1.6k

genre/warning: angst, hanahaki au, major character death, mentions of blood, body horror?

a/n: this is a one day late birthday present for the wonderful @wanderynn!! rae ily don’t kill me for writing oikawa angst for your birthday

Oikawa was nervous.

Which was odd, because he had been in situations like this before. Interviews required being asked questions he was expected to answer, after all.

But those were interviews. This was a therapy session.

Oikawa’s gaze dropped down at his hands, slightly worn from years of slapping a volleyball with his entire strength. Those same hands that had slapped a ball with spine-chilling intensity were the same hands that gently caressed your cheek, the same hands that easily intertwined with yours, the same hands that tilted your chin up with every kiss he placed on your lips.

Oikawa’s eyes started to burn.

The therapist seated in front of him continued to tap away on the computer, her face devoid of any emotion. She seemed to be satisfied with whatever was behind the screen and swiveled around to face him, a disgustingly fake smile on her face.

(Oikawa would know, his smiles were fake as well. Slightly strained, a little too bright to be genuine.)

“So, Oikawa-san,” the therapist said, making eye contact with him.

“Oikawa is fine.”

“Oh, alright. So, Oikawa, how are you feeling?”

Tired. Numb. Odd. Guilty.

“Fine.” The fake smile came easily.

“Ah, okay. Is this your first experience with Hanahaki?”

No, of course it wasn’t. He was told that being well-known meant people will fall in love with him. “It’s not your fault, Tooru,” they said. “Some people fall in love very easily.” Oikawa remembered snorting, thinking that no one could possibly fall in love with him just because he was charming and good-looking.

He was wrong.

(It started with Ume, the bubbly girl in his second year of middle school. Then Riko and Akika in his first year of highschool, one other girl he didn’t remember the name of in his second year, and Mizuki in his third.

Only three of them had settled on getting amnesia and forgetting Oikawa entirely instead of dying. The adoring gazes he was once plagued with became empty stares.

But Riko didn’t. Oikawa couldn’t bring himself to her funeral; he knew the only stares he would get would be accusatory ones.)

The therapist continued. “And I mean, not just from being a celebrity, but with people close to you.”

Oikawa suddenly found it difficult to breath. He saw the flash of spiky dark hair, of rude nicknames and harsh shoulder slaps.

(“I’ll be alright.”

“Iwa, you’re dying!”

“I said I’ll be alright.”

Oikawa was in Argentina when Iwaizumi died. “He had a severe coughing fit on the street that made him pass out,” they told him. “He was dead before they could put him in an ambulance.”

Oikawa cried for hours.)

“Yes,” Oikawa said quietly. “A close friend of mine died from it.”

“Oh.” The therapist’s smile faded away. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It’s fine,” he said, flashing his brightest of smiles.

The therapist’s expression became more serious. “Dealing with that much loss must be hard.”

Oikawa didn’t respond. What does he even say to that?

“Do you want to tell me about them?”

About Iwaizumi? No, about you. Oikawa’s smile was smaller, obviously less genuine. “No, not really.”

“Well, uhm…” the therapist drummed her fingers against her thigh. “Were you two close?”

“I’m not sure.” It wasn’t a lie. The lines between the two of you had been gray and blurred. Were the intoxicated kisses at two in the morning really love, or just drunken lust? Being tangled up under the covers as you lazily slept on top of the other wasn’t necessarily romantic, was it? You held his hand because you were afraid of losing him in the crowd, not because you loved him, right?

(Wrong.)

“Even if we were friends, we were closer than most friends were.”

“Ah.” The therapist typed something on her computer. “How did you find out?”

“Come again?”

“When she was diagnosed. How did you find out it was you she was in love with?”

“Oh.” Oikawa looked out the window. It seemed to be on the cusp of fall and winter, bare branches and freezing temperatures but no snow.

He found himself smiling. You hated the snow.

“She told me a couple hours before she died.”

The therapist sucked in an audible breath. “What was that like?”

Oikawa swallowed slowly. “We were sitting together, watching a movie or something like that. She had a coughing fit.”

(He remembered how weak you looked pressed up next to him, your knees drawn to your chest, your eyes hollow and empty, your body thin and frail. Your coughing fits were violent, more violent than most. Tissues and handkerchiefs followed you wherever you went, stained with shriveled, bloody petals.)

“She told me it was me. I didn’t understand her at first, but she was saying it was me over and over. And then I understood. Six hours later, she died.”

“Is that all?”

No. “Yes.”

“So you didn’t really have much time to think about it before she passed, but it must have made you feel guilty. That’s why you’re here today.”

Oikawa nodded.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself, Oikawa.”

That’s what they all said. But he couldn’t help it, could he? He saw you sprawled on the ground in a pool of crimson, serene white petals decorating the floor like it was some sort of aesthetic arrangement. You looked so unbelievably peaceful, finally freed from the death vice of your unrequited love for him.

Love for him.

Oikawa was blind. He was desperate. He was so desperate for affection that he accepted your kisses and touches with open arms, disregarding the fact that you could be in love with him. Pure, inhumane lust drew him to you, trailing his hands down your arms, pressing his lips against your skin. He was a monster.

“Oikawa, I take it that you’ve heard of PHH?”

(PHH - (Purple Hyacinth Hanahaki) A branch of hanahaki originating from guilt over the death of a loved one; usually one who had died a hanahaki-related death from being in love with them.”

Oikawa’s nose had wrinkled reading the definition off of his health textbook. “That can happen?” He asked, glancing over at Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi shrugged and continued to fill out his homework. “Love is confusing.”

“If it’s this confusing I’m never going to fall in love!” Oikawa huffed. “Love is stupid!”

“That’s what you’ll say now, Stupidkawa. I bet you’re falling in love first.”

“Hey, Iwa-chan, not true!”

The world was an ironic, cruel place.)

Oikawa’s heart pounded in his chest, an ominous countdown. (Countdown to a diagnosis? Countdown to his death?) He nodded once. “I know about it.”

The therapist drums her nails on her desk, echoing his already racing heart. A sympathetic look passed on her face. “You might be at risk for that, Oikawa.”

Oikawa found his eyes drifting over to the window once more. He spotted a lone orange leaf clinging to the end of a tree branch, persisting even as the wind violently shook the branch.

(Your body shaking violently as you clung to Oikawa’s arm, whispering “it’s you” over and over, a mantra that would haunt him even in death.

Death. It was coming sooner now, wasn’t it?)

Another violent shake, and the leaf spiraled to the ground.

(Ghostly empty eyes, mouth slightly parted as blood dribbled from the corner. Your arms were wrapped around nothing, as if in those last moments of life you were holding something tight to your chest, a last connection to the mortal world.

Oikawa wished he was there. No—no he didn’t. He wouldn’t bear to see the light fading from your eyes as he held you in his arms.)

He closed his eyes. “I know.”

He found himself back on the court two days later.

“He always finds a way to come back to the court.” His coach had said that once. Highschool Oikawa had reveled in the praise, reveled in his devotion to a sport.

Now it felt shallow. How dare he be more devoted to a sport than the own two people who motivated him to even start playing? How dare he be blinded by the rush of dopamine a successful serve gave him? How dare he not support his closest friend when he was nearing his end? How dare he not notice your unyielding love for him? How dare he how dare he how dare he-

Oikawa swiveled on his heel and threw the volleyball onto the wall. It bounced off with a satisfying “thwack” and landed back into his hands.

Oikawa sighed.

His thumbs traced slow circles against the leather. Soothing. Calmi-

(His thumb rubbed a gentle circle into your cheek. “Thank you,” he murmured, his breath hot on your face.

Your lips quirked into a smile. “For what?”

“Mm,” he moved forward and closed the distance between you greedily, encapturing you in another kiss. “It doesn’t matter.”)

Oikawa threw the ball up and took a step forward, shifting his weight into his feet for the jump.

A violent cough tore itself from his throat.

Oikawa collapsed onto his knees, his hand pressed into his mouth. The coughs were aggressive, sending violent tremors throughout his entire body. His throat hurt.

(“Yeah, it hurts,” Iwaizumi muttered, quietly rubbing his throat. “It hurts like hell.”)

(“It hurts.” Your voice was a ghost whisper in the quiet hums of the night. “Tooru, it hurts.”)

The coughs subsided, leaving behind an eerie sort of silence. Oikawa removed his hand from his mouth.

Ah, he thought. I should’ve expected this.

A vivid purple petal dotted with crimson sat in the palm of his hand. He closed his fists around the flower petal, his eyes stinging with tears.

Love was harsh words and sore throats. Love was drunken lust in the ungodly hours of night. Love was confusing. Love was stupid.

Love, it seemed, was everyone’s demise.

-purple hyacinths represent sorrow or regret.

-white tulips represent forgiveness.

taglist: @joliechuchoter @pablopascal @yn-tingz @vannerz @strawberriimilkshake @sunarashi @hajiimes @tttournesolll @hajibee @semiis @kageyuji (send an ask/dm if you want to be removed, fill out the form here to be added!)

[naruto-oc-critiques]

Hanoka Saima

Review under the cut! It’s long~

Name: Hanoka Saima (Hanoka means “harmony flower” in Japanese. Her last name means “Fasting woman” in Arabic.)

Gender: Female Age: 31 

Time set in: Gaiden

so you mean Gaiden as a kid, then to Naruto’s age as 31 right? do you mean she lived through the Wars? If so, please do consider how her mental/emotional state has been affected by the wars, and do think about what she contributed. Kakashi is 25+ in the anime during both series, if Hanoka’s childhood is set around the same time as his childhood, she’s gotta have gone through the wars.

Birthplace: Kujakugakure village

You should also give a short background of this village in the later character biography. Where a character grew up is also very important to their development, and what happened to this village later on? Did it’s fate affect Hanoka’s future personality?

Lives in: Konohagakure(The hidden leaf village.

Appearance: Hanoka has a average pear shape body type with some muscle in some areas like the legs, arms, thighs, upper stomach, etc. She does tend to gain weight but because of exercising and yoga, these burn away later on. Height of 5'8|161cm, weight 56.8kg. 

this is a bit nit-picky, but it’s alright to have a shinobi character be all muscle, and described as muscular, because they are always exercising and working out on their missions, during training, all the time. Unless your character is a veteran or a resigned shinobi, which I did not see anywhere on the bio. It’s actually rather unrealistic for a working shinobi to not be muscular and lean.

Medium dark tan skin color with water blue eyes and black coal hair. She has a black Peacock bird like marking with long feathers that’s going down her left shoulder and arm. The feathers are colored in to show her status of which elemental chakra she’s able to use or has learned during her years of training. 

these peacock markings… I hesitate to call it an alarm bell for me, as it’s ok to have birthmarks and colored markings, since a lot of Naruto characters have them, but having them individually colored and represent something is a little overboard. It just seems arbitrary at this point, since later on you do not give any reasons to why she has a peacock-shaped marking, nor why this marking lights up when she learns new chakra releases. Furthermore, no such thing has been viewed to happen in canon, and it seems like something plucked from another series. 

A way around this is to give her a peacock-shaped birthmark, nothing so large, that all her clan members have, and leave it at that.

She has a second mark on her lower stomach with circle curve markings around a stretched thin oval with 2 spider like waves on each side. A symbol for blood or a curse that’s given to her by Lord Osamu.

You might think I’m being very nit-picky right now, but this is starting to worry me. A curse mark that’s described with words hinting at beauty “circle curve”, coupled with the peacock tattoo above? This is starting to sound too pretty to be functional. I advise you to change the description of this curse mark into something more dangerous sounding. ‘Jagged lines’ would be a start. Understand that what I’m having issue with is not the existence of the curse mark, rather how it’s being presented.

Theirs also some old scars and burns on her skin due to her unstable chakra getting out of hand and because of the years of missions and training she’s done while growing up.

Her hair grown much more longer but she cuts it to have it stop below her waist up in a ponytail with the rest twisted, having a silver ribbon tied at the end. She still wears her peacock hairpin to this day. Hanoka wears a blue and black short sleeved silk kimono shirt with a inner top inside showing her shoulders with knee high pants but bandages are seen wrapped around her right leg.

Fashion choices aside, remember: utility is a shinobi’s highest consideration when choosing apparel. For Kurenai, she’s a genjutsu master, hence her outfit is a direct boost to her genjutsu techniques — that’s why she wears them. From what you say here, it seems Hanoka is very exposed to projectile injury and also has no shielding going on. Unless this is her civilian attire, be sure to change her attire when going on missions.

She has black med high heel shoes. Hanoka wears a black neck strap and her rose bracelet given to her by her father with her dog tag necklace. She doesn’t wear her ninja headband anymore but it’s hanged on the wall beside her village’s own headband.

High heels are bad and not conventional. Do not follow what Boruto has been doing. RL dancers might wear high heels when they dance, but that is an aesthetic choice. When your life is dependent on a split-second reaction, do you really want to worry about whether you’ll land right? A shinobi also needs stamina. High heels are a killer on the foot. Unless Hanoka is a seductress, please do not make high heels everyday wear for her.

 Also, ninja headbands are like ID’s. If you are an active shinobi, you must wear it at all times. Unless you are retired, or there’s some special occasion. 

Another point: jewelry is pretty and all, but they dangle. Neck strap is fine. Bracelet is also fine. Dog tag necklace? It’s going to get snagged easily. I also advice you to keep emotional keepsakes at home during missions — what if she looses them?

Family: Tomi Saima (Father), Suki Saima (Mother), Kiyoshi Saima (Twin brother), Miyuki and mizuki Saima (Mizuki is deceased/DIA), Hiroki Saima (Adopted son) Occupation: Medic kunoichi/Owner to the silver rose sweet and catering shop

Please give a timeline to her occupations. It’ll help you as well.

Rank: jonin

Team: Hiroshi Murakami and  Eiji Tsukiyama/Umeko Akiyara (Sensei)

Friends: Akane Akumushi, remaining family of her clan 

Personality: Hanoka was very quiet, timid, and very shy when she was younger but if someone spoken to her, she’ll open up to them when feeling comfortable near them or wishes to be friends. In her clan, she was invisible to the villagers because they didn’t want to get involved with Hanoka since she’s a third born. Because of this, Hanoka had low confidence in herself but also very emotional in hopes to prove she isn’t bad. She’s a cheerful, pure spirited girl with a big heart, caring to help another in need and offer a hand. She even tries to cheer up anyone who is upset and be there for them if they wanna talk or get something off their chest. Hanoka tends to show a colorful side of herself to others while keeping her faithless and miserable feelings in the back of her head since her mother always say to stay strong. Over time, her confidence started to get stronger.

This is a good description! I like how nuanced she is, but you have to give a reason why her confidence grew. You see, a person’s confidence has to be built up. It doesn’t just appear from nowhere, nor can they will a confidence into themselves. Personality quirks like this is very situational. Who helped her? What inspired her? In order to make a better character, this has to be done. In fact, you can even reference this event, whatever it is, later on in her life, as an inspiration to not give up.

She’s always open minded to listen and hear another person’s ideas and thoughts but she tends to be a free thinker herself. That could explain how she gained more wisdom while growing up. Hanoka always shows her loyalty to others, show them she’s trustworthy, and show her respect and kindness to them.

So…she’s a Naruto clone? Very similar to Naruto? Despite Naruto maintaining his cheerfulness through his childhood trials, I wouldn’t call him ‘gaining wisdom’ through his childhood stuff. I’d actually call him insensitive (the first season of), and also badly developed (Boruto).

She’s always serious and cautious on her missions or if a situation becomes bad and dangerous. She’s always organized with teamwork to her teammates Hiroshi Murakami and Eiji Tsukiyama so they are close like family. Same with others if she’s assigned with them being close allies to her. She always sees eye to eye with her team and others but even she has disagreements on some things. Hanoka has a short temper that’s passed down to her from her mother but its not as bad when she was a child. As Hanoka got older, she still gives a helping hand to someone that needs it. Others have seen her more energetic and positive than before.

later on you say she has big abandonment issues and fear of failure - how does this translate to the planning stage of missions? does Hanoka try to hide her fear? suppress it? or does her teammates know, understand, and help her deal with it, and how so, if they do?

another inconsistency here: if she’s got a fiery temper but is still agreeable to the point that she agrees w all her friends (’sees eye to eye’)…that’s a little unbelievable. so when does she blow up, exactly? how does the reader know she’s got a huge temper, even if it was when she’s a kid? or perhaps her friends have been w her so long, they’re used to it, and her them, to the point that they know each other so well, there’s rarely disagreements?

and if she has a bad temper as a child…why was she shy? perhaps she’s shy to others, but blow up at home, or in private? if so, write it down so you don’t forget all these intricacies against each other. 

I like these intricacies, and perhaps you didn’t want to clog our inbox with huge chunks of text, but these personality interactions should be written down.

She’s always dedicated to get a smile on someones face but feels the people she cares about always comes first because their important in Hanoka’s life. Hanoka has really opened up to everyone, including her clan and family when some saw her for who she really was. Hanoka has started to unwind from the ties of her past to look ahead to her future, she has more compassion and a stronger will but her serious side was stronger. As to her loving side, she is still looking for love. Now, she’s gotten more wiser and calmer with herself that she’s usually always working with her shop but always active with customers and other villagers in konoha. She’s more motherly, happy, and in peace. 

this bit sounds alright so far! however, you should keep in mind that Hanoka ‘used to be’ a shy, timid girl, because she felt overlooked. Self-esteem issues like that might have consequences, like relapses, in the future, so even though she seems confident of herself, a possible internal conflict can be a return of her self-esteem issues. I think you should consider this possibility when crafting her adult personality.

However, she shows a different side whenever her other self, Hanoki, is out.

alright. I’m putting my foot down. everything else can be fixed for the better, but this part about a Hanoki? throw it out. throw it out. split personalities are a serious mental issue, and from all the overlooked details I’ve been catching from you, you have enough on your hands to be developing a split personality, too. Also, having a ravenous, angry, dangerous split personality is very indicative of a shallow character, and a potential Mary Sue.

If you really want to keep Hanoki, you should insert her personality onto Hanoka at some stage of her life, and have a character arc of Hanoka overcoming this bout of violence, instead of making it a split personality. Having a split personality spells many, many difficulties down the road, as you will see.

When she’s Hanoki, her whole personality completely changes. She becomes ignorant to others because she thinks their obstacles getting in her way. She also becomes cruel, careless, cold, barbaric, angry, and emotionless. She takes great pleasure to cause fear to someone for fun or just to make fun of them. Hanoki never holds back with telling someone the cruel truth or discouraged thought about them she dislikes. In honest words, others sees Hanoki fearful, grim, sadistic, monstrous,  shallow, and even possessive. That’s why Hanoka does all she can to be sure she’s more in control so Hanoki won’t always appear.

A little more on Hanoki, in case you weren’t convinced. Why exactly, is there a Hanoki? Your description of Hanoka’s background and history didn’t seem any different from the typical overlooked clan child, so what was so severe that it triggered a split personality? You have not given an adequate explanation of Hanoki’s existence. Is it from trauma? Is it an inherent condition? If so — if its a condition, surely it can’t just be controlled by Hanoka being calm enough. If you want to explore the medical side of this, I strongly suggest you take at least a google search for bipolar disorder.

Furthermore, this is going to impact Hanoka’s in-field performance. If she has a disorder like this, where a split personality that is volatile and violent comes out, there is no way the authorities will let her be a medic-nin. Medics need to be calm, helpful, efficient. Hanoki hinders that performance.

Also, be mindful of serious mental illnesses and do not belittle them by using them as a way of making your character stand out and/or do things she typically wouldn’t do.

Likes: Hanoka loves making new friends when she’s on missions and in her shop. She enjoys singing with her pet Shin joining in sometimes.

I did not see a Shin anywhere before this. Please, have internal consistency. When did she get this pet? What is it? 

Her customers or some villagers would see her making sweets to pass out to them or the children. Even she has a strong sweet tooth to make them for herself sometimes. Hanoka plays music for fun or for the kids that walk past her home/shop since it’s soothing. She loves lillies to have a small garden in the back and in the shop. She enjoys the warm sunshine during the say and the cool air of rainstorms. She finds foxes, wolves, dogs, and cats interesting because people in her clan see them like good luck pets.

slight thing to consider: perhaps limit the types of animal considered a good luck charm for her clan? maybe limit it to either felines or canines, or certain qualities of a dog/cat. It seems slightly unlikely that a clan would see such opposite creatures (canines v. felines) as both good luck charms - unless there’s a legend or something that you didn’t write here. Also another pointer: when crafting a clan history, you might want to consider looking at a map to determine the geography of the clan’s home. What animals roam there (wild dogs, wolves, foxes, etc) can influence what a clan sees as good luck and bad luck.

She’s every active and excited when spring, summer, winter, and fall arrives. That’s when she makes her season baked goods for people. morning walks, day/night,Green tea and water.

When is this? I’m going to assume when she’s an adult, but, like I said in the very beginning. If she lives in Konoha following the Gaiden’s timeline, no matter if she grew up during the Gaiden timeline or she was an adult during the Gaiden timeline, there are wars. What did she do during them? How can she support a business when she’s an active shinobi? And she has to be an active shinobi during wartime. There is no way the three wars she’s potentially in (Second, Third, and Fourth) will let an able-bodied shinobi (you said she’s a medic-nin?) sit around selling sweets.

Dislikes: Hanoka does not like it when her cooking and baking gets messed up or ruined by something which is why she becomes so focused to get it right. She hates it when others do evil pranks or is having evil intentions toward something she cares about. Same with others making fun of or hurting any of her friends and family.  Others that tend to show off makes her feel annoyed and irritated to walk off somewhere. Or getting the urge to hit and yell at them. She hates being called annoying or a curse from others in her clan because some believe Osamu’s words of third born.  It also makes her remember the times no one wanted to be bothered by her. She dislikes sour things because her clan can become very ill and sick from eating or tasting anything like it. That’s why she keeps it out of her food but if it’s needed, she will add the required amount and lets her customers have a taste.

sour things? interesting. Is there a background to this? or just a quirk? does it affect her performance as a kunoichi? from what i know, prepackaged rations can sometimes be horrible enough to classify as ‘grue’. what does she think of this?

Fears: As a kunoichi, Hanoka tends to have some fears that’s hidden deep within her. She has a fear of being rejected by someone that does not know the whole truth/story or even misjudged before getting a chance to explain herself. She feels weak or not strong enough if she fails a mission given to her because it makes her think that she’s bringing herself down. When that happens, she’s seen over training to her limits to get stronger again. She has a fear of letting her team, her allies, friends, and others down when she feels weak. She hates when she becomes like this because it lets others see her weak side of herself.

have you explored the ramifications of having that fear? does her fear of failure act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, or does it act as motivational fire to make her brash/dependable on missions? does she train to the point of burnout? and if so, what happens? does she blame herself? is it a positive feedback loop that needs outside help to break out of, and in that case, what is her mentality during that phase? would you call this confident?

chase these questions! it’ll help your character.

She has a fear of loving someone while growing up. When Hanoka has feelings of love for someone, she either finds them getting hurt or killed. Because of that, she feels a bit upset or unsure to say ‘I love you’ to that person. She almost feels like saying and feeling love just makes her remember the ones that loved her die in front of her like her mother, sister, and others she cared deeply for. Hanoka fears herself when becoming Hanoki from either a serious blow to the head or her anger. Hanoki has tried to get Hanoka to listen to her because she's  weak-willed. Hanoka ignores her as best as she can but she can still hear her voice each day. She didn’t want to be the one to hurt anyone she cares about or worse, get killed by her own hands. All her life, Hanoka deeply fears of being alone that everyone just leaves her or don’t want to do with her ever again.

So…you should clarify that she’s not overlooked by her family but the villagers, only. She’s got a warm and loving family, from what I understand at this point.

In that case, perhaps she wouldn’t have so many abandonment issues / fear of failure, since it’s very likely her emotional support during the crucial teenage years is present. also, if she’s so unlucky to have her loved ones die right before her eyes, where is the mental imprint of those horrible, traumatic memories? is her cheerful demeanor as an adult an attempt to deal with this? how does she deal with this guilt? lots of questions you should explore.

Her fear of snakes came from a mission she had with her team. She was trapped down a bottom pit by some missing ninjas but they tortured Hanoka using a genjutsu to have her see a pit filled with snakes that was biting her or moving down her throat. She became paralyzed in fear when her teammates found her later on. That fear is still strong to this day. She also fear spiders but this fear happened when she was a child as people has tried to trap her in a room full of them. This fear is just as bad as snakes so if she sees either, Hanoka becomes scared, paralyzed, and pale that she bends down to grab her hair shaking.

some very serious issues here: you just said that she became more confident over time, but from what I understand of the human psyche, true confidence in oneself doesn’t come from repressing emotions, it comes from opening up. perhaps you might want to consider exploring fake confidence? like a front, a persona Hanoka puts up in front of her friends and the public, but actually she’s a wreck underneath, with all sorts of unhealthy issues.

History: Hanoka Saima is the 3rd born child to Suki and Tomi Saima, twin sister to Kiyoshi saima, and the baby sister to Miyuki and Mizuki Saima. She grew up as a healthy and curious child that wanted to learn many things of the world she lived in but it was hard. While Hanoka grew up, she learned about being a third born was seen as taboo and never knew some in both the Akumushi and Saima clan members didn’t approve of it. It was because of a rule made by the Akumushi leader: No family was to have no more than 2 children but she and others believes this was false. She wanted to prove that she was like everyone else by always trying her best in school, being friendly, showing kindness, and show she’s equal but some never saw that of her. Even the teaches saw she was struggling in class to simple tasks to where they failed her. Hanoka was met by the saima leader that night after school,  saying it was lies because he believes she was a blessing, giving her hope.

I like that there’s this stupid arbitrary rule of ‘no more than 2’ it’s so like clans. but one issue: how do these “people” know for a fact that she is the third born? If she’s a twin, why’s she the one picked on? why not her sister? Does Hanoka understand this, and does she resent her sister for this? Or is she glad to take the disapproval on herself, sparing her sister? And where was this twin when Hanoka’s down? Twins are supposed to be inseparable, supporting each other, and perhaps even becoming so used to operating as a pair that they develop unhealthy reliance on the other. Where is this in her growth? 

Also, there has been absolutely no mention of a twin prior to this background dump. Please, have internal consistency to what her support network was, and why, if it seems that her family didn’t move with her, that is the case.

And make it very clear who was bullying her when she was young.

Another thing. Why are the villagers afraid of her when it’s the clan that has a prejudice against the third born?

Hanoka started training everyday to grow confident in her self but it was slow as the village and Osamu Akumushi saw hanoka still making mistakes. Osamu explained the reports to her mother of things she’s done as getting in fights or getting in trouble for self defense from others. Suki knew that but told them she just sensitive. Sadly, he refused to listen, leaving the house but it lowers Hanoka’s courage and encouragement a bit. Hanoka knew she didn’t mean to do such things but she thought everyone was beginning to ignore her.  She still did her chakra practice with her mother and was able to pass it after months of practice. She even has a medallion to prove it and shows everyone and the Saima leader  that she can do it. After she passed her test from the following months, she started to get sick or rather pass out from overboard practice.

Hanoka was keeping up her strengths but didn’t have many friends since they were avoid speaking to her.

again: why is this happening? shoudn’t the no third born thing be confined to the clan? and if she’s so hurt by this, why isn’t she talking to her understanding mum and twin sister? do they hate her? and where’s that fiery temper? how does she handle this? explode? implode? … inconsistency.

She thought if they talk to her, she would get them in trouble. She was still training each day but that also started to scar her back and other places but hat didn’t bother her because she still helped many people, even helping her friend Akane to show she’s not so scary and some believe her. During that night, Suki was teaching Hanoka new things but she saw a old book by her older relative. They have this old tradition that spoke of the clan bloodline. Every relative in this family gains new abilities to get the chance of using a even higher doujutsu; Ketsuekigan the second stage to the Yosogan. Hanoka never knew this and asks her mother about it. Suki explains it but said she was too young. She had to wait and grow before knowing it. At age 8, She saw Osamu giving her books, scrolls and notes to study all about the history of her own family. Hanoka saw the jutsus were more advanced and dangerous ones that requires her own blood but she will learn more later when she’s older.

You hit Mary Sue territory with the doujutsu. Please change this.

Hanoka was scared of Osamu since he was a more strict teacher but angry at him for yelling and discouraging her. No matter what she did, Osamu never saw her to change and stay just as useless being a third born. He was so furious at her for messing up with her lessons and not focusing on her chakra control that he almost hit her but she accidentally wounded him using a kunai. Stained by his blood, she looked down with scared eyes and ran home that night. They thought of locking her up but her mother refused as well as the leader. Hanoka was worried to what Osamu will do to her but tried practicing to keep herself busy till she was warn out.  When she went home after training, she saw the Mamoro, the people, and her mom were having a argument of something. They said missing ninja came here a while ago because they sensed someone’s chakra that grew unstable,  believing someone lost focus to lead the enemy here. Villagers were outraged by this and thinks Hanoka did it because she was the worst in keeping her chakra low and was out training.

Mamoru Saima tries explaining its not her fault but everyone didn’t listen. They wanted to banish hanoka from the village. Suki refused as she held her girls but mamoro saw enough. He and the saima clan left the village but saw Osamu replace Mamoru as the village leader. Mamoro said he will find a new place for his clan as they traveled to a new location in the land of water but suki decided she was taking her girls to live somewhere else because she feared everyone was still mad at Hanoka so she and them head to Konoha. After she turns 10, Hanoka lost her mother but Suki told her to stay strong even if she died.

Hanoka has lived her life as her mom said to her, wearing the dog tags necklace she got from her. Now she hopes to be  the kunoichi to prove she has changed to a new person.

Abilities: Hanoka is known for fighting with hand-to-hand but fighting with two weapons. However, she’s doing all she can to get used to her bloodline’s kekki genkai: the yosogan, Ketsuekigan (second stage), and Kowaregan (Third stage). Water release is Hanoka’s main elemental chakra use when starting but over time she leared fire and wind release in shippuden. Earth release was then Learned in Last, and Blaze Release/Crystal freeze release/lava release is being worked on but she did learning in Gaiden. 

Please. This is too much things to attribute to one girl. Didn’t you list her as a medic-nin? How can she know so many releases and have the time to hone her craft as a doctor? Even med school is long and torturous, and they only need to study medicine, not combat, application, and infield first-aid.

Strength: Hanoka’s good with her genjutsu and taijutsu thanks to the training she did while growing up. She is working on better control of using her weapons and using ninjutsu. She’s got better on using the three but as she got more older, her focus was working on using her Kekkei genkai a little more better as well with the kinjutsu. She’s always planning ahead and crafty with her hands while working with fixing some other things. It’s the same with her training her physical strengths as well as a child and while growing up.

Interesting. Hands - is that a like? Is that why she eventually opened a shop, making things?

Weaknesses: Because of her trying to keep her chakra in control and stable, she has to always practice her chakra control to keep her self balanced every day to a whole week. She tries being careful when using her Ninjutsu or genjutsu because it makes her weak too quick from using a lot of her chakra. If she gets too weak, then she can’t do her summoning and her Fuuinjutsu. This can also mean the use of her Kekkei genkai that can be a strong but it can be the weakest to her. Overusing the kekki genaki can mess up the nerves system of the eyes but over use can make it spread through out the body’s other nerves, damaging her from within.

This is very important: why isn’t her chakra going out of control a fear?

General comments: consistency is a major problem. too many things. make a timeline. separate the things. factors - external, internal, passive, active. a lot of things to work on, but the separate things are solid. I do need to stress the general inconsistency of your character, though. It’s too much of a hodge-podge of traits thrown together, but no personality, no depth.

She’s way too complicated of a character. Depth is good, but this is just a mess. I’d say, separate her traits into different characters — I don’t know what you have planned for the family and friends, but you can definitely offload some of the traits to them instead of having it all on Hanoka.

Your character is way too overpowered and the fact that they have a powerful dojutsu AND access to these Blaze/Crystal/Lava Release is just way too much.

- mod Ln