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briseis-lavellan · 8 years ago

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Life and Home

Something I wrote for Ao3 as a gift for Songofpsalms297.

Cassandra believes that there is nothing more beautiful than having people to come home to. (AU)

It was a long flight after a long business trip away from home. Cassandra was happy to be walking up the familiar driveway that led to the very familiar house. The occupants must have heard the sound of her luggage bag’s wheels rolling against the pavement, because the door quickly opened and a reddish blonde blur came flying towards her. �� “Mama’s home!” said the little girl as Cassandra quickly scooped her into her arms and held her tightly. Laying a kiss on top of her daughter’s head, she glanced up and noticed her husband leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed and lazy grin on his face. “I have missed you terribly, my darling.” she said as she focused her attention back on the girl. The child was six years old and took after her father in many ways, but her features were very similar to her mother’s. She clung tightly to her mother as if the woman would disappear otherwise. Cassandra’s heart broke every time, knowing that her work often had such an impact on her family. “We missed you too.” Varric said as he walked up to his wife and daughter. Cassandra smiled and leaned down to give her husband a brief but warm kiss on his lips. “Eww, gross!” said the little girl, who buried her head into her mother’s shoulder to hide from the sight of her parents kissing. “It’s not so bad, Antonia. A fact that you won’t be discovering until you are in your 30’s.” Varric said, his eyes still on his wife. Cassandra loved her job and the many opportunities she had to help her country as one of the top two presidential advisors. She had a good rapport with President Dorothea, who was willing to heed the advice of her advisors and council members. As a result, the country flourished under her leadership and Cassandra was happy to be one of the hands helping it along. But the job also came with a steep price, which involved her missing time with her family. Trying to balance her career with raising a child was not as easy as she had hoped it would be. Varric was very understanding of the importance of her work, but that did not mean that it was not a source of contention between the two. There had been many arguments, her on the unfairness of the bond he shared with their daughter and him on the fact that she had missed out on several important milestones (first word, first steps, first day of school, etc). Despite the fighting and the hurtful words that get thrown about, they manage to work through it. She even dared to say it made them stronger. The mind-blowing reunion sex wasn’t so bad either. Varric took her luggage as they went inside the house and Cassandra paused in the doorway and taking in the familiar smells and surroundings. She was extremely glad to be home, to be with her little family and not stuffy politicians. She had missed the sweet laughter of her daughter, the warm embrace of her husband, and happiness that she could only feel when she was with them.

They were now sitting on the plush red sofa, listening to Antonia regale her mother with tales of her little adventures at school with her friends, and the fun things she got to do with Auntie Hawke and Uncle Broody. There were some misadventures with Auntie Rivaini, but Varric quickly headed off any outraged protests by explaining the full context of the situation. The look she gave him was dubious, but she let it go… for now. It wasn’t until after proudly showing off a beautifully carved halla that was made by Auntie Lavellan that the little girl started yawning. It had gotten late and it was well past her bedtime. Varric allowed Cassandra the task of tucking their daughter in while watching both of them affectionately. He would later tell her that he loved the domesticity she exuded while reading to the little being that they both created in love. How having her home had completed them. Seven years ago, if someone dared to suggest that she even seemed domestic, she would have protested. Now she didn’t mind, not if it meant having people who loved her and waited for her.

Once Antonia drifted off to dreamland (the ability to dream inherited from her human half), the couple quietly slipped to their bedroom where Varric could finally give his wife the welcome home he had been waiting to give her all day. He was in the middle of kissing her senseless when the loud and obnoxious, to him anyway, sound of her ringtone interrupted them. The dwarven author knew that he could just continue and she would eventually forget that she even owned a phone, but he saw the anxiousness in her eyes and knew that it was better to just let her answer it. Of course, it was work, and since the political climate has been rather stormy lately, Cassandra would want to answer in the case of bad news. He situated himself on the side of their bed while Cassandra dug her phone out of the pocket of the pants that they discarded on the floor. “Leliana, what is it?” She demanded, sexual frustration making her tone sharp. He could hear a faint voice coming from the phone though he couldn’t make out the words, his wife’s eyes narrowed as she listened to whatever it was Leliana was saying to her. “I don’t think that’s… No, I just… What do you mean that’s an order?” the voice continued on and Cassandra sighed in resignation. Varric could feel himself becoming angry. Usually when she sighed liked that after speaking to Leliana or one of Dorothea’s many assistants, it meant she was packed up to leave the next day. “I guess I have no choice but to accept… Yes, thank you Leliana. We will talk later.” Cassandra ended the call and looked up to notice that Varric was not looking pleased. “I take it that you will have to pack soon.” It wasn’t a question. “Yes.” “You just got home.” “Leliana said that Dorothea ordered me…” “Haven’t you done enough for awhile? Have you not sacrificed enough for them?” “Varric…” she began but he interrupted. “There has to come a time when you say enough, Cassandra.” Cassandra, not Seeker, her old title that became an endearment. He was not happy. “Varric…” “No! I know that you detest ultimatums but at some point, you will have to choose between your family and your… “ He was interrupted as she pressed her lips against his mouth. Her dwarven husband struggled against the wonderful sensation of having her mouth against his before he finally gave in, both of them opening their lips to allow their tongues to dance, re-stoking the fires that were doused so rudely moments ago. She finally ended the kiss, though reluctantly and looked him in the eyes. “Stop talking for a moment, dwarf, and I will tell you what she had said.” He was still recovering from the kiss, so all he could do was nod. “Leliana said that the president recognizes all of my hard work during this whole referendum business and felt that I could use a long well-deserved, break.” She kept her eyes on his face, trying to gauge his reaction, which took awhile but a smile crept until he was grinning. “That’s great! Did they say how long?” He set his hands around her waist, slowly running his fingers up and down her side. “For about two weeks before I have to fly out to Orlais to attend the conference, but that will only be for two days and I will return and can work here from Kirkwall for the foreseeable future.” “That is really something, why all of this though? Surely there’s more to it than the recognition of your hard work.” “It probably has to do with the fact that excessive travel, especially by plane, would not be beneficial for my health in the next few months or so.” Varric looked at her, confusion and worry on his face. “Your health? What’s wrong with your health?” She smiled and shook her head. “Nothing is wrong, my love, I’m only pregnant.” It seemed to take a moment before it sank in. Shocked, he took her hand while staring at her abdomen dumbly. “Pregnant...are you sure?” He asked cautiously. In the last four years, Cassandra had suffered the loss of two pregnancies. She didn’t know she was even pregnant for either, but the loss was still felt keenly by the both of them. They worried that they would never again experience the joy of watching a child they made together with their love growing within his Seeker. He was afraid to hope that it was even real. It had been another source of contention between them about her work. He blamed the stress caused by the toxic political climate at the time. But they had long moved beyond that fight, mending their hearts over the losses.

“Yes, my love.” She answered, understanding his wariness.

“We are having another one?” “Yes, Varric, we are.” An ecstatic grin finally broke out on his face before laughing and grabbing his wife by the hands to do a quick happy spin around the room. “Another!” he whooped as he stopped. He looked at her, happiness and maybe tears in his eyes. “How long?” his hand covered her abdomen, which had a barely detectable curve now that he knew to look for it. “I am about eleven weeks along, though I have only found out about three weeks ago. I wanted to tell you immediately, but it did not seem right to relay such news over the phone. I also wanted to make sure that… I kept this one. The doctor says everything is going splendidly so far and that there is a bigger chance of me carrying to term since I am further along than with the last two. It is why Dorothea and Leliana are ‘recognizing’ my hard work. They are ecstatic for us.” “I owe them a huge apology for acting like an ass.” He said, reaching up to kiss his wife. The kiss began as a sweet and loving kiss, but it would soon evolve to something more passionate. Husband and wife celebrated with the most intimate dance that can only be shared between lovers. It was a celebration of life. The life of their daughter, sleeping safely in her bed and the life that dwelled within Cassandra, waiting to make his or her appearance in the world. Most of all, it was a celebration of home.

#dragon age #dragon age inquistion #Cassandra Pentaghast #Varric Tethras #Fanfiction #AU #Antonia Tethras #KidFic #Reference to pregnancy loss #Very domestic #This ship is running away with me and I don't know if I want to be saved #Cassarric #Tethraghast #CassandraxVarric #VarricxCassandra

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dyingrabbit · 8 years ago

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Negated Universe Misadventures - Chapter One

(I thought maybe it would make more sense to post the full chapters here rather than link to fanfiction.net. Kinda long. Sorry to make to scroll for 5 full seconds. Also SPOILERS for Madoka Magica.)

Humor/Dark

Subjective narrator (Homura Akemi)

Word count: 3898

“Fuck” count: 33

Eco Round (Attempt #26)

I'm not gonna say I saw it coming, because that would be vain of me, but I sure as hell knew something was bound to get fucked up this time.

Trying to take down Walpurgisnacht at less than full strength was already pushing it. If Sayaka hadn't gone and blown herself up earlier this would have been a much more feasible operation. But our numbers disadvantage notwithstanding, we were still fucking it up. Kyouko was way out of position, getting distracted by the adds and Mami couldn't seem to land a single fucking shot to save her life. I was clearly the only person who could get anything done. Unfortunately even I can't carry all the time so everybody died again.

Fuck this shit.

Upon reset I awoke to a familiar ceiling. At this juncture I considered a great many things. I had almost lost count of how many times I'd started over by giving this little buckler a spin and all of my runs were becoming confused and hazy. Twenty-five times now I had rushed headlong into this damned loop and each new attempt yielded nothing.

Was I worn out? Certainly. It's no fun seeing your efforts go unrewarded. It's another thing entirely for them to fucking zap out of existence.

Did I regret putting myself up to this? Not quite. Saving Madoka was still priority number one and it wouldn't do any fucking good for anyone if I started feeling bad for myself now.

What was clear was that nothing seemed to be working. It always ended in Madoka dying or turning into a witch. It was one of the universal constants of the timeline. Another thing that was oddly prevalent was Mami dying very early. It wasn't always the same perpetrator, but the cause of death was almost invariably decapitation. There were a surprising number of ways, it turned out, for Mami to lose her head along the course of events. So noticeable was this phenomenon that on the last occasion I actually chuckled quietly to myself.

But in any event, what I needed right now was to strategize. Throwing myself at this brick wall wasn't working so I needed to adapt in order to succeed. What did that entail? In order to beat this time loop I needed to know it from front to back. I needed to find out what made it tick and precisely how to exploit it. For starters, I needed a control run.

To be fair, I also needed a break. This shit was getting fucking exhausting and I was hardly up to jumping right back in again. So there's two dead birds.

Step one was getting money, a practice I had perfected several resets ago. The ability to stop time was a pretty fucking hard counter to any security system designed by man, so I won't bore you with the trivial details. In essence, I robbed a few banks. I stopped feeling bad about it a while ago. The world ended if I fucked this up so I rightfully deserved to have any and all resources at my disposal.

Step two was having a spa day. This was probably the most fucking critical part of the plan so I paid special attention to making sure it was done properly. This entailed no expenses being spared. Importantly, it meant going to the most expensive spa in Mitakihara City, a super classy looking joint called "Subarashi Onsen".

I gave a cursory scan to the brochure in the lobby and quietly cackled, knowing that each and every feature advertised was getting purchased. Even if some of them were mutually exclusive. I didn't give a damn if I had to be there all day, nothing was fucking sacred.

As it happened, the spa's accommodations were somewhat exhaustive and I did in fact end up spending all day there. But the lost day was something of a necessary sacrifice to ensure the rest of the plan went smoothly. Who knows how catastrophic a failure may have arisen if this first step hadn't been executed correctly. It made me shudder just thinking about it. Frightening shit, no doubt.

Alright, step three was pretty fucking boring and tedious but it was technically required according to my outline. I just needed to watch everyone for a while. I wasn't allowed to do anything really. This run was all about getting a solid baseline so I could then semi-directly measure the cause and effect of my actions.

It also meant taking a shit ton of notes. That was fine, as I was a pretty ace note taker, but it also sucked pretty bad because all of my calculations would be based on them and the level of abstraction that would be required of me at the drop of a hat wasn't particularly conducive to easily resolvable data points. I needed to be everywhere, at all times, making systematically unfounded assumptions, and I needed to be correct every time. I needed to be almost entirely omniscient for this to work even slightly. Fortunately my handy little time travel ability made this prerequisite a bit less damning.

Stage one, I suppose, was my classroom introduction. Since I had no intention of reverting to the helpless pleb I had been prior to meeting Madoka for the first time, I felt no desire to alter my current appearance. Still, Madoka recently seemed to recognize me at first sight due to dreaming about me in the previous timeline. So I did need to change something. The glasses would have to do.

So instead of walking in like the drop dead gorgeous yet undeniably bad ass goddess I had been known as for the past several time loops, I settled for walking in as a slightly less gorgeous and bad ass yet very studious looking goddess. The students were impressed, as they always were.

This was generally the only fun part about the whole process. At one point or another fighting the witches was pretty fun, but now that I knew all their moves it was getting dull. The only thing that I found pleasing anymore was the complete adoration I received from these poor impressionable middle schoolers. I put an ungodly amount of effort towards making these kids comment on my hair. Eventually it paid off. I now consistently get one or two girls asking me what shampoo I use. It's disgusting but dangerously addictive.

This time I unfortunately wouldn't get to show off quite as much for fear of drawing too much attention to myself. This meant no more breaking the pole vaulting prefectural record or absolutely killing my math professor's white board problems. But like hell was I gonna drop my fabulous hair. Fuck my spreadsheets. If my curtain of raven black locks was going to significantly alter the timeline then god dammit so be it. After writing my name on the board and wishing everyone a good year I assumed my seat and proceeded to begin note taking.

Madoka, for her part, did steal a few glances in my direction after I sat down. This was to be expected, as I'm difficult to not stare at, but additionally she had probably ID'd me from her dream. It couldn't really be helped. I could have worn a mask or gotten plastic surgery, but those ideas could just as easily go fuck themselves. At least I didn't look exactly like I probably did in the dream. I had the bright red glasses for one. I also had put a concerted effort towards smiling a little bit to hide the stone cold bitch stomper within. That and I made a point not to make eye contact with Madoka. With any luck, she'd think it was all in her head.

After a bit, she seemed to settle down and focus on the lecture. When break came, A few students came to welcome me to the class. I graciously answered each of their questions with poise and class, even the bullshit ones. Then someone asked about the shampoo. I still get a little elated every time, so I launched into my spiel.

"Actually, that's an interesting question. There was a brand that I used to use called-" I was cut off by a really obscenely asinine ringtone.

"Oh. Sorry, Akemi-san. I've gotta take this."

Fucking hell. I couldn't have even one moment of mild satisfaction it seemed. Taking advantage of the lull, Madoka approached me with a timid smile.

"E - excuse me it's Akemi-san, right?" She meekly inquired.

Okay, this was game time. No margin for fuck-ups here. We were gonna play this real cool but also a little guarded.

I nodded while saying, "Yep, that's my name. And you?"

Fucking nailed it. Madoka looked a little relieved that I came across as a normal person and proceeded to introduce herself.

"I'm Madoka Kaname, nice to meet you." We politely shook hands.

This time I didn't ask her to take me to the nurse's office. I went and ate lunch alone from a strategic perch. Not a whole lot of shit was poised to happen at school but vigilance was never a bad thing. Right now the only pieces on the board were Madoka herself and that Sayaka bitch. Things don't really get interesting until after school when they visit that music store.

Stage two was the all important encounter with Kyubey and Mami at the music store. This is generally where I initially make a major impact on the timeline. So this time I anticipated the meeting to play out much differently.

Much to my chagrin, it didn't really. Generally I would rush in here, shoot up Kyubey, and narrowly avoid a confrontation with Mami before peeling out. Now that I thought about it I don't really do much here. This time Kyubey lured Madoka and Sayaka into the witch's labyrinth whilst feigning being under duress.

Fucking bastard.

This forced Mami into rescuing them and revealing her magical abilities. Mami then takes them to her apartment where she talks about the pros and cons of the whole business. Almost exactly the same except no intervention from me. In addition I hadn't blown my cover or given the others a bad impression of myself, so this was already an improvement. That was going in the notebook for sure.

They spent the next couple of days casually tracking down familiars and dispatching them with no trouble. Meanwhile, Sayaka had been granted that super gaudy club that she used to beat the shit out of adds. Madoka whiled away thinking about what she might wanna wish for and precisely how fucking pink and frilly her dress was gonna be. Things were progressing fairly nominally.

Soon they ought to face off against Charlotte and Mami will lose her fucking head. I imagine at this point, Sayaka and Madoka will both insta-contract with Kyubey and probably end up killing the shit out of Charlotte. I'm actually not sure what will happen after that. It really depends on how Sayaka takes the whole thing and how she reacts to Kyouko when she arrives. If they end up killing each other I won't have the man advantage I need to take out big ole' Walpy. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.

Stage three began with Madoka and Sayaka visiting that crippled violin player Kyousuke who Sayaka kinda dug for some reason. After leaving the hospital, they encountered the grief seed conspicuously sticking out of the wall.

Sayaka, the martyr that she is, usually volunteers to stay behind and camp the seed while Madoka goes and fetches Mami from her apartment. Except they both had their phones this time so they just called her up and she was there in a couple minutes.

I must have missed something because I'm not certain how my involvement makes these girls any less aware of their mobile devices. But at least I didn't have to hide in this bush any longer than was absolutely necessary. When Mami arrived, I sneakily followed everyone inside.

For what it's worth, a couple times I've actually managed to convince Mami that something was off with this particular witch. My success rate at keeping her alive through this portion is, nonetheless, lower than satisfactory. Nicer folks might call her free-willed, but the skeptics, the cynics, and the real deal pundits would just call her a fucking idiot. I, being all three of those things, had just about had it with Mami and her gung-ho attitude. It gave me a grim sense of satisfaction knowing she wouldn't be acting so feckless when she no longer had a head.

I silently cursed myself, though, for counting Mami out so quickly. After all, it's not like it was in my best interest if she bit the dust here. If it satisfied my personal vendetta for her to fail utterly without my assistance, that was neither here nor there. That being said, It didn't earn me any fucking brownie points to be optimistic and, given her past performance, objectivity implied a certain degree of pessimism at this stage.

The initiates proceeded into the labyrinth with something of a terrified amusement. Sure, they'd been around the block by now but It would be quite the hyperbole to assert that this particular block was in any sense adequate preparation for what they now faced. So it was good that they were frightened.

Mami on the other hand was practically skipping the entire time. Madoka had just told her that she had resolved to join the ranks as a magical girl. In that moment, all Mami's general misgivings about going it alone had subsided in a flood of tears and a shocking number of "Fuckin' A!" utterances. There were clearly some underlying mental issues here so it warranted taking a note.

Now, with the wind at their backs, they sailed into Charlotte's main chamber to do battle.

I've seen this fight play out several times by now. Generally speaking it doesn't go so well when I'm not involved at first. When Mami lets me assist her, I fuck Charlotte up so fast it makes her head spin. Everyone thinks I'm really cool after that, even if they thought I was a cold hearted bitch before. When Mami doesn't let me assist her, nine times out of ten she doesn't make it out alive.

On a few occasions, one or both of her shadowers have made contracts prior to the fight so it goes much more smoothly even when I'm not there. In all other cases, when I'm not present, Mami gets a big head about herself only to have it swiftly emancipated from the rest of her body. To put it bluntly, I expected to see a headless Mami with near certainty in the near future.

What did end up happening was a bit disappointing. Mami engaged her target with a blistering hail of musket fire for several seconds, as usual. Charlotte responded by doing pretty much nothing for a while, as usual. Mami pinned her against the far wall and initiated her big flashy finishing move whilst shouting "Tiro Finale!".

Nobody else had a finishing move. How vain of her.

After believing the kill was confirmed, Mami dropped her guard for a second. Charlotte sprung out of her doll form straight at Mami, opened her jaw wide open and started munching on the poor middle schooler's head. All of this was expected. I took no notes on this.

What wasn't expected was what happened next. Charlotte quickly finished working on Mami, or decided she'd better go and secure a couple more frags, and focused her attention on Madoka and Sayaka. Kyubey, always on the ball, immediately petitioned them to make contracts.

"Quickly! Make a wish so I can turn you into magical girls!". Sayaka, with an uncharacteristically clear head, instantly wished for Kyousuke's arm to be healed. The transformation process began at once. Madoka couldn't fucking pull herself together and just stared wide eyed at Mami's dismembered corpse.

"Now you, Madoka! There's no time! What is your wish?" Demanded Kyubey. Madoka looked helplessly between Kyubey and Mami's body. Then, wiping away her tears, she managed to eke out a few words.

"Uh, I'd like a really big cake-" In that instant Charlotte swung her head about, slamming into Madoka's fragile frame, and sending her flying into the wall. She impacted with a sickening crunch.

Shit. That wasn't supposed to happen.

It did give credence to my claim that they'd be dead without my help. I guess I hadn't fully believed myself though.

A cake. She wished for a fucking cake. Damn, now I wanted a cake. I made a note of these things.

That aside, It would have been something of an understatement to say that Sayaka was somewhat galvanized at this point. Her eyes were glazed over and a miasma of unadulterated hate oozed from her every pore. With a scream too ungodly for hell she streaked through the air to assail her nemesis.

If I hadn't just watched Madoka get fucking demolished, which was never easy, I'd have probably been a bit turned on by the whole display.

Sayaka slammed into Charlotte, blade first, driving her flailing, tube-like body straight to the ground. Rising quickly, she began mercilessly hacking at the witch's face. Unfathomable amounts of blood and gore gushed from each wound coating the once cute blue outfit Sayaka was wearing. She began syncopating expletives with each slash of her sword.

"YOU—PIECE OF—SHIT—FUCKING—BITCH—CUNT—MOTHER—FUCKER!" Holy shit this was hot. Her manic carvings had left her victim mangled and unrecognizable. With a last cry of utter despair, Sayaka drove her blade straight through Charlotte's face.

There was a horrific screech that reverberated off the walls. It was so immediately deafening that I dropped my notebook to cover my ears. But Sayaka remained motionless, her hands resting on the hilt of her sword which was still deeply embedded in the flesh of her enemy, and her head downcast. The screech increased in frequency until it was no longer audible. Then Charlotte exploded.

The labyrinth quickly dissipated, leaving only Sayaka, Madoka, and I in front of the hospital. Madoka was strewn about in a very unnatural manner. I could tell pretty easily that she was toast. Looked like almost every bone in her body was broken and Sayaka could tell that pretty easily too.

She crawled over to her friend and gingerly pulled her body up onto her lap. It seemed like she'd spent her allotted screaming budget in the preceding encounter and now all she could do was quietly sob. So she did. Her soul gem turned from bright blue to a depressing shade of navy.

Kyubey waited closely by in anticipation, no doubt upset that his big catch had all but gone to waste but, regardless, happy with the quick turnover of his most recent contractee.

Alright then. I quickly summarized the most important details of this engagement in my notebook: Mami dies. Madoka dies. Sayaka goes off on Charlotte. It's really bad ass and sexy. Charlotte is terminated. Sayaka despairs and turns into a witch. Good. Now I was calling it. The timeline was dead.

Facing no repercussions from exposing myself, I emerged from the bush that was my hiding spot and pulled a Desert Eagle out of my buckler. There was really no need for this to go any further so I decided to give Sayaka the old Of Mice and Men treatment, as it was the most merciful way to do this.

She either didn't hear me walking up behind her, or didn't care. I glanced over at Kyubey, who had just now noticed me, gave him the finger, and shot Sayaka in the back of the head.

No grief seeds for you, motherfucker.

Before resetting, I decided I'd indulge myself one last time. I really wanted some cake. Unfortunately, it was rather impossible to get rid of Kyubey after the show I'd given him earlier. Even after destroying his body he kept coming back to bug me with useless questions, mostly pertaining to who the hell I was and what I knew about witches and shit. Only after sitting down in a café and acquiring my cake did I begin to humor him.

"I'm basically your worst nightmare." I said, taking a bite of vanilla frosted angel food. "I can do this shit as many times as I fucking want to and you can't stop me." I was speaking a little unduly loud and the nearby patrons were giving me confused glances.

"I wouldn't be so confident, Akemi Homura-san." The Incubator countered, "It is a certainty that you will eventually see the futility of this endless cycle and succumb to despair."

Okay, I'll give this monster credit. He did make a good point. It was totally possible that if I didn't find a route with a good ending soon I was going to start losing it. But I could delay that. I just needed to make sure to pace myself. That's what this run was all about anyway.

At some point I was going to have to look at myself in the mirror and ask what I'd be willing to settle for, or if I'm willing to settle at all. What constituted a good ending, and if that was achievable. But that was for some other time.

I put the rest of the cake into a to-go box that the waitress had given me and awkwardly tried to shove the box into my magic bottomless storage unit. Meanwhile, Kyubey gazed at me with a look of bemused contentment or maybe seething angst. I couldn't really tell. He kinda just looked like a pedophile or a serial killer to me so It was tough to gauge his demeanor at any given time. In any event, I'm sure he thought he'd gotten to me with that last jab. Which he had, sort of. But fuck him, so what?

"Perhaps you're already losing hope, Akemi Homura-san." He said evilly.

I'd had enough of him. I'd like to say what I did next was in one smooth motion but If I'm being honest with myself it certainly didn't look all that practiced. That is, it was choppy as all hell.

First, I heroically jammed the rest of the cake box into my shield. Next, I grabbed some cash and left an equitable tip for the nice lady who had served me. Lastly, I grabbed Kyubey by the throat, threw him on the floor, and shouted,

"AM NOT! FUCK YOU!" before emptying my Deagle magazine into his chest.

Then I reset.

TO BE CONTINUED

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brendagilliam2 · 8 years ago

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The 7 best modern cartoons

From Snow White to The Simpsons, the art of cartoons and 3D movies has inspired generation after generation of artists and designers. Now, thanks to channels such as Adult Swim and the availability of free 3D software, more animators and illustrators than ever are able to showcase their talents.

Here, we look at the best animated cartoons to reach our screens in recent years. Let us know if we’ve missed out any of your favourites in the comments below…

01. Rick and Morty

First aired: 2013

Seasons: 2

Starting off life as a twisted take on Back to the Future entitled The Real Animated Adventures of Doc and Mharti, Rick and Morty came about when its creator, Justin Roiland, got together with recently-sacked Community showrunner Dan Harmon, and they reworked it for Adult Swim as the dimension-hopping adventures of alcoholic mad scientist Rick Sanchez and his nervous, dim-witted grandson Morty.

It starts dark then really goes for broke around episode five of the first season, and it’s never less than blisteringly intelligent and riotously funny. There are two seasons to enjoy so far, with a third planned for this year. Rick and Morty have even made an appearance in The Simpsons, in an extended couch gag that turned out funnier than the episode it prefixed.

02. BoJack Horseman

You’ll believe a horse can go on a month-long drink and drugs binge

First aired: 2014

Seasons: 3

Focusing on the empty, meaningless life of the washed-up star of a smash hit 1990s sitcom, what really makes Netflix’s BoJack Horseman shine is its brilliant central conceit that it’s set in a world where humans and anthropomorphic animals exist side by side.

And so BoJack is an actual horse; his agent, Princess Caroline, is a cat with an assortment of cat toys on her desk and a song from the musical Cats as her ringtone; and his friend Mr Peanutbutter is a Labrador with a tendency to chase postmen.

The series centres around the bored and dissatisfied BoJack as he tries to shake off his sitcom past and make a new name for itself. It effortlessly skewers the vacuous, vicious and superficial world of celebrity life and takes us to some splendidly troubling places along the way.

03. Adventure Time

Jake the dog and Finn the human set out to become righteous adventurers

First aired: 2010

Seasons: 8

Set in the post-apocalyptic Land of Ooo and heavily influenced by the Dungeons & Dragons game, Adventure Time has proven popular with children and adults alike. Created by Pendleton Ward and starring John DiMaggio of Futurama fame, the show portrays the adventures of a boy called Finn and Jake, a dog with magical powers to change shape and grow and shrink at will.

04. Archer

Archer is known to royally screw over his co-workers (and a lot of ladies)

First aired: 2009

Seasons: 7

Hilarious, witty and deliciously wicked, Archer takes place at an international spy agency, where its main character regularly screws things up. It’s been described by its creator, Adam Reed, as “James Bond meets Arrested Development” – and indeed, the cast includes Arrested Development’s Judy Greer and Jessica Walter. Reed was also responsible for the brilliant Sealab 2021.

05. The Venture Bros.

Despite launching over a decade ago, The Venture Bros. is still a modern cartoon favourite

First aired: 2003

Seasons: 6

Created by and starring Christopher McCulloch, action-comedy cartoon The Venture Bros. follows the adventures of pseudo-heroic scientist Dr Rusty Venture, his highly strung bodyguard, and his two over-enthusiastic sons. The show first appeared on our screens 13 years ago but its modern approach and brilliant dialogue mean it remains a firm favourite.

06. Bob’s Burgers

Archer actor H Jon Benjamin also stars as Bob in Bob’s Burgers

First aired: 2011

Seasons: 7

Creator Loren Bouchard had already worked on shows such as Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist and The Ricky Gervais Show before launching Bob’s Burgers in 2011. In this brilliantly satirical look at running a burger restaurant the title role is taken by H Jon Benjamin, and who’s also the voice behind Archer (number 2 on our list).

07. The Amazing World of Gumball

Unlike many kids’ cartoons, this one is voiced by kids themselves

First aired: 2011

Seasons: 5

An award-winning cartoon sitcom for kids, The Amazing World of Gumball follows the chaotic misadventures of a regular family in an irregular town. Its creator Ben Bocquelet has won plaudits for its inventive use of various animation styles, which are effortlessly pieced together to create a heartwarming and hilarious show.

Contributions: Jim McCauley

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