#mis' trogle

[vicandsade]

1941-12-08 - The Bottom Buffet Drawer

1941-12-08 - The Bottom Buffet Drawer

[See additional commentary at The Crazy World of Vic and Sade]

[hear the episode here or here]

Every house needs a junk drawer. Unfortunately, Sade would prefer that the bottom buffet drawer not be that. 

As a person who likes things to be organized in a certain way, I can sympathize with Sade’s intense disapproval here. Things have places where they belong and don’t belong, and those places are not always as obvious to the other people in the house or workplace as you think they are. It’s especially vexing that this has happened once before. You’d think Vic and Rush would have learned their lesson the first time. Their claiming not to remember putting those items in the drawer: lies, or pure absentmindedness? We can’t know for sure. But I would like to point out how ready Vic is to throw Rush under the bus in these situations -- it’s happened before. Whenever Sade is angry with both Vic and Rush, Rush always comes out looking a little better!

Transcript

————–

ANNOUNCER: Well sir, it’s late afternoon as we enter the small house halfway up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find Mr. Victor Gook, his son Mr. Rush Gook, and Sade’s amiable Uncle Fletcher. The gentlemen have just this moment arrived and they’re removing hats and overcoats. Listen.

FLETCHER: Guess Sadie’s not home.

RUSH: Probably upstairs or down cellar. The back door was unlocked. Mom very seldom even goes across the alley to Mis’ Harris’ without lockin’ the back door.

FLETCHER: Fine. Likely she’s off Christmas shoppin’.

SADE: [off] Yes? You, Rush?

VIC: [calls] Hidey-hi hodey-ho.

SADE: [off] I’ll be right down.

VIC: Take everybody’s hats and coats out in the hallway, why don’tcha, George?

RUSH: Okay. You can be gettin’ the cards outta the library table drawer.

FLETCHER: I’m only gonna play a couple hands or so, Vic. Sit down long enough to take the chill outta my bones.

VIC: Anything you say.

FLETCHER: I better let Sadie know I’m not stayin’ for supper. Otherwise she might--

SADE: [up] You here too, huh, Uncle Fletcher?

VIC: Greetings, Dr. Sleetch.

FLETCHER: I couldn’t stay for supper even if I was invited. My landlady Mis’ Keller’s fixin’ special turnip greens this evenin’. No, I’ll play a hand or two of rummy, and step on home.

SADE: You here too, huh, Uncle Fletcher?

FLETCHER: Hello, Sadie. [mischievous] These scalawags told me you were off downtown Christmas shopping.

SADE: [not amused] Did they?

FLETCHER: Yeah.

RUSH: [up] I suggest we deal everybody ten cards just like you do in two-handed rummy. That way the game lasts longer, and there’s more chances--

FLETCHER: What’s the idea tellin’ me your mother was off downtown Christmas shoppin’, Rush?

RUSH: [laughs]  I never told ya that.

FLETCHER: You take boys, they enjoy a game.

SADE: Don’t bother there for a minute, Vic.

VIC: What?

SADE: I say don’t bother fixin’ up your rummies there for a minute.  I’ve got something to show you.

VIC: Something to show me?

SADE: Yes. You too, Willy. Come out in the dinin’ room.

RUSH: What for?

SADE: [quietly] You’ll see. We’re goin’ out in the dining room a little bit, Uncle Fletcher. Siddown and make yourself comfortable.

FLETCHER: I’m not stayin’ for supper, Sadie.

SADE: You’re welcome to.

FLETCHER: Mighty nice of you to insist, but like I just got through tellin’ what’s-his-name, I promised Mis’ Keller I’d come home and eat turnip greens she’s fixin’ special.

SADE: Uh-huh.

FLETCHER: The way it was, I bumped into Vic just now comin’ from the office, and Rush comin’ from Tatman’s Vacant Lot. They said why didn’t I stop in for a while and get warm and play a hand or two of rummy. I decided fine.

SADE: Uh-huh. 

FLETCHER: Thought I’d better get understood right away, though, I wasn’t stayin’ for supper.

SADE: Mm-hmm.

FLETCHER: [chuckling] Then Rush told me you were off downtown Christmas shopping!

RUSH: I never told ya any such a thing!

FLETCHER: Yes. I understand boys enjoy a joke.

SADE: Come out in the dining room, you two fellas. I’m sure Uncle Fletcher’ll excuse ya for a minute or so.

VIC: What’s out in the dinin’ room?

SADE: Come along.

VIC: After you, Charlie.

RUSH: Oh.

SADE: Shame company has to be present to see this.

VIC: See what?

SADE: If I’d realized I had two little babies in the house instead of two great, big men I’d have bought myself a padlock.

VIC: [laughs] Well, I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about, kiddo.

SADE: I wouldn’t laugh.

FLETCHER: [off] Where’s everybody goin’?

SADE: [calls] They’ll be right back. [to RUSH] Will ya open this bottom buffet drawer, please?

RUSH: Sure.

SADE: This happened once before. A long time ago. I thought then I’d made everything clear. Looks like I didn’t.

RUSH: Are you referrin’ to the occasion when--

SADE: I asked you to open the bottom buffet drawer. Just gonna stand there?

RUSH: [annoyed] Only a civilized question--

SADE: Open the bottom buffet drawer. 

RUSH: Oh. 

FLETCHER: [off] I’m not stayin’ for supper, you know, Sadie.

SADE: [calls] Just siddown and be comfortable a minute, Uncle Fletcher.

FLETCHER: [off] I made a commitment with my landlady Mis’ Keller I’d be home eatin’ special turnip greens. She mentioned at the dinner table this noon she was makin’ ...[continues talking in background]

VIC: Overshoes, by George! So that’s where they’ve been! Do you remember the other day me searchin’ high and low for them overshoes--

SADE: [accusingly] Yes, your overshoes, by George, so that’s where they’ve been!

VIC: Well, I don’t recall ever puttin’ my overshoes in--

SADE: What’s the matter with him in there? [calls] All right, just a second, Uncle Fletcher!

FLETCHER: [off] Well, I better be on deck to eat them special turnip greens!

RUSH: [chuckles] Uncle Fletcher’s a great fella--

SADE: Did you notice this?

RUSH: [pleased] Well! My first baseman’s glove! I woulda bet forty dollars I’d carelessly left that first baseman’s glove in Tatman’s Vacant Lot last summer! I woulda bet fifty dollars--

SADE: Do either one of you fellas remember how I cried and wept and yelled when I discovered you’d used this bottom buffet drawer to keep your trash in before?

VIC: About those overshoes, Sadie, I plead complete innocence. It’s a mystery to me how they ever--

SADE: You plead complete innocence about this?

VIC: Uh -- what?

SADE: This!

VIC: Why, isn’t that...

SADE: [voice shaking] Yes, it is! It’s the rotten, old, dirty, rusty, rotten horseshoe you brought home from Ike Kneesuffer’s basement!

VIC: That’s the horseshoe Ike presented me with. I won six games in a row with it and made seven ringers in succession. Let’s see, was it early last September that I...

SADE: What is it doin’ in the bottom drawer of my buffet?

VIC: Darned if I know! Rush, have you been takin’ liberties with my personal possessions and secretin’ them in Mama’s--

RUSH: [indignant] I have not! 

FLETCHER: [up] What’s everybody doin’ in the dining room?

SADE: I don’t open this bottom buffet drawer, ever. It’s where I keep my NICE things. My best washrags and doilies and tablecloths and napkins. And you fellas knew! You just couldn’ta forgot that other time when this happened.

FLETCHER: What’s everybody doing in the dining room?

SADE: It’s by accident I opened the drawer this afternoon. Needed a place to put that little handkerchief Dottie Brainfeeble sent me. Opened the drawer and like to have fainted. Rush, how about that ice skate?

RUSH: I’ve been lookin’ at that ice skate with considerable interest. It’s not my ice skate.

SADE: It’s not your ice skate?

RUSH: It’s not my own, personal ice skate, no. I mean by that I never purchased the ice skate. As a matter of strict, downright fact, I found that ice skate layin’ in the middle of Center Street way last summer. I remember sayin’ to myself at the time it certainly was a peculiar season to come across an ice skate with the thermometer at 90 degrees in the shade...

SADE: Did you put the ice skate in the drawer, there?

RUSH: I’m just tryin’ to recollect if I did or not.

SADE: You’ll notice it’s stickin’ into the fancy table runner Mis’ Stembottom bought in Chicago and give me for my birthday and I considered it too nice to use. 

RUSH: Well, I’m rackin’ my brains, but I can’t seem to recollect placin’ that particular ice skate in that particular bottom drawer...

[telephone rings]

VIC: [seeing an escape] Uh, telephone’s ringin’!

RUSH: Telephone’s ringin’!

VIC: I’ll get it!

RUSH: I’ll get it!

VIC: No, it’s probably Ike Kneesuffer.

RUSH: It’s probably Bluetooth Johnson.

VIC: I’ll get it!

SADE: I’LL get it. You fellas stay right here.

FLETCHER: What’s everybody doin’ in the dining room?

SADE: I’m sorry you had to be a witness to this, Uncle Fletcher.

FLETCHER: Fine. 

VIC: [turning on RUSH] What’s the idea pilin’ ice skates on top of your mother’s table scarves? 

RUSH: I don’t even recall doin’ it.

VIC: Ha! Likely story!

RUSH: As far as that goes, what’s the idea pilin’ horseshoes on top of Mom’s table scarves? 

VIC: Are you all of a sudden the district attorney, the judge, and a stern old man? I’m not responsible to YOU for my actions, my friend.

RUSH: Oh.

FLETCHER: Sadie’s vexed?

VIC: What?

FLETCHER: Sadie vexed over somethin’, is she?

VIC: Yeah.

FLETCHER: Fine. No, you take ladies, they’ll get vexed. Remember Phil Wisher there in Sterling?

VIC: Uh-uh.

FLETCHER: Wore cap, socks, shirt, necktie, underwear, pants, coat, and vest all made outta the same material?

VIC: No.

FLETCHER: Later died?

VIC: No.

FLETCHER: Phil Wisher married a woman and that woman got vexed on her wedding day and stayed vexed for twenty-seven years. Phil never made her mad on purpose at all. All he done was say, “Who’s that funny-lookin’ chump with the whiskers?” Just happened to be his wife’s father. Wife got vexed and stayed vexed. Never a day passed but what she couldn’t jump up from the breakfast table and say, “I suppose you’re wonderin’ who that funny-lookin’ chump with the whiskers is!”

VIC: [chuckles quietly]

SADE: [up] What’s just terrible, terrible, terrible funny?

VIC: Uncle Fletcher just told an amusing anecdote. It was about a--

SADE: Shame Uncle Fletcher had to be a witness to this.

FLETCHER: [miles away] Yes! No, Phil Wisher’s wife got vexed and stayed vexed.

VIC: Who was it on the phone, Sade?

SADE: Mis’ Trogle.

VIC: Nobody for me?

SADE: I said it was Mis’ Trogle. No, I never open this bottom buffet drawer myself. I feel like it sometimes, but I hesitate to. See, everything is arranged so careful. Every washrag, table runner, napkin, and doily folded and patted down to perfection. I don’t like to dig around and take chances on disarranging stuff I’ve labored over.

VIC:  If I may murmur one little word in my own defense, I’d like to--

SADE: No such scruples in you fellas, though. Ice skates, overshoes, old newspapers, baseball mitts and screwdrivers! These easy slippers are your property, aren’t they, Rush?

RUSH: I can explain exactly how they happen to be there.

SADE: Can you? Tell us. Oughta be interesting.

RUSH: Well sir, one evenin’ some weeks ago I was studyin’ algebra in my pajamas. The doorbell rang, and it was Mr. and Mis’ Heddles stoppin’ past for a few minutes on their way home from the picture show. “Rush,” you said, “run upstairs and put on your clothes.” I run upstairs and put on my clothes, and come down again, and--

SADE: This is a long, dull, tiresome story, don’t you think, Uncle Fletcher?

FLETCHER: Beg pardon, Sadie?

SADE: [chuckles] Don’t you think it’s kind of a long, tiresome story Rush is tellin’?

FLETCHER: Yes! Yes it is. Reminds me of Sid Teepers there in Belvedere.

SADE: Did Sid Teepers there in Belvedere pile dirty old junk on top of his mother’s loveliest linen things?

FLETCHER: Yes. Sid Teepers married a woman twenty-four years old.

RUSH: [giggles] How old was Sid?

SADE: This is hardly any time for you to snort and smirk and titter, Rush.

FLETCHER: Sid Teepers married a woman twenty-four years old.

VIC: How old was Sid?

SADE: Or you, either. 

VIC: Oh.

FLETCHER: Sadie?

SADE: Yes?

FLETCHER: Sid Teepers married a woman twenty-four years old.

SADE: [giving in] How old was Sid?

FLETCHER: Twenty-six. Sid Teepers was twenty-six years old when he got married. Started takin’ violin lessons. Took violin lessons every Sunday afternoon up until the time he was fifty-seven, and at the end of that time, wasn’t able to play a single tune.

RUSH: What was the matter?

FLETCHER: Fine.

RUSH: Why couldn’t he play a single tune after all them lessons?

FLETCHER: He played scales. He liked scales, so he played scales. Ask Sid to slop out his fiddle and play ya a selection, he’d play ya a scale. Holler for an encore, he played another scale. He played scales as good as any violin player around. But he got monotonous after an evening.

SADE: Gettin’ back to the buffet drawer.

FLETCHER: Yes.

SADE: Is this gonna happen again?

VIC and RUSH: No.

SADE: You know what takes place.

VIC and RUSH: [guilty murmur]

SADE: You’ll come dashin’ in the house with your ice skates and your overshoes and your baseball mitts, and wanna get ‘em out of sight. And won’t go to the trouble of liftin’ your little finger to find a suitable place. This bottom buffet drawer is close and handy. Ya simply yank it open--

[telephone rings]

VIC: Uh, telephone’s ringin’.

RUSH: Telephone’s ringin’!

VIC: I’ll get it.

RUSH: I’ll get it!

VIC: I’m positive it’s Ike Kneesuffer. 

RUSH: I’m positive it’s Bluetooth Johnson.

VIC: I’ll get it.

RUSH: I’ll get it!

SADE: [tired] Why don’tcha both go get it.

VIC and RUSH: What?

SADE: Why don’tcha both go get it. 

VIC and RUSH: Oh...

FLETCHER: I hafta go home for supper, you know, Sadie.

SADE: Sorry you can’t stay.

FLETCHER: Mis’ Keller’s preparin’ special turnip greens this evening.

SADE: Uh-huh.

FLETCHER: Vic and Rush vexed, are they?

SADE: [chuckles] No...I’m the one that’s vexed.

FLETCHER: Fine.

SADE: Just look at my bottom buffet drawer...

FLETCHER: [approvingly] Yes!

SADE: And it’ll happen again.

FLETCHER: Oh, sure.

SADE: It’ll happen again.

FLETCHER: Remember J.L. Dunsplot there in Dixon?

SADE: No.

FLETCHER: Was right-handed up to the time he was twenty-nine, and turned left-handed overnight?

SADE: No.

FLETCHER: J.L. Dunsplot married a woman thirty-three years old.

SADE: Uh...how old was he?

FLETCHER: Thirty-seven.

ANNOUNCER: Well, neighbor, so end’s the day’s visit at that small house halfway up in the next block. But seems like something’s always going on at the residence of Mr. and Mrs. Victor Gook. I’ll be waiting there to open the door for you when you drop in on Vic and Sade the next time.