#minh.log

[minhxiao]

1.30.24

i am drinking longan, red date, and goji berry tea. lately i've really taken to it and have been drinking it every night. it makes me feel like an old apothecary, reaching into my cabinet to find the jars of dried herbs and tossing a little bit of this and that into my cup to brew my nightly health elixir. this particular combination is great to drink in the winter and can help with blood circulation (something i am always in need of). it's warming my cold fingers as i write this.

lately whenever i open up twitter wanting to tweet something, i just get overwhelmed and i end up closing the app with a slight sigh. i don't feel bad. people take breaks from fandom all the time. but it always feels a bit difficult to come back and makes me question if i even should. i do feel a little bad about the messages in my ao3 inbox that i haven't responded to yet. i feel an obligation to the people who read my writing even though it's an obligation not tied by anything except a love for fanworks. and nearly all of those people are extremely patient and understanding of me.

truthfully, i haven't really been excited about genshin and genshin fandom lately. the excitement will come back (maybe soon, with the new patch) and maybe i'll dive back into it with a renewed vigor. but for now, i'm letting myself enjoy other things. (i have caught up on a lot of shows and books recently and it's felt really nice).

i also have had some major life updates recently. it's a little scary but change is always like that. despite the good things, i still feel a strange string of melancholy and dread permeating through my days. the universe has granted me the blessing of something new, so i should welcome it with open arms and here i am, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i always expect awful things to happen, because in my life, something good is always accompanied by something disastrous. my therapist and i talked about how i am like orpheus looking back at the last second, wondering, "is it really true? is everything i love gonna follow me?" only to find my own shadow staring back at me. funny, how that story goes. i'll do my best to resist looking back.

anyway, despite how inactive i've been, i still have been writing though. quite a bit, surprisingly. i've been pouring a lot into this haikaveh/kavetham wip recently (a ship that i never thought i'd ever write for. but maybe it's bc of my life recently and i've been feeling like a kaveh kinnie). it's currently at 20k words and writing it has made me fall in love with writing again. partially i think it's because i haven't announced much about it (or made the mistake of eagerly posting the first chapter before it's all finished) and there are no expectations, just me and my outline and a cup of tea. it feels so much better writing when i let go of the perceived expectations i have for myself. i feel so creative lately. maybe the best work really does come from stillness and endurance. i've outlined tbal all the way to the end (although writing it has been admittedly difficult. there's something bittersweet to me, thinking about tbal ending). and also, i'm extremely grateful to have been accepted into 2 zines recently (meriwether: an anemo boys zine! and another, secret one that i'm not sure i'm allowed to announce yet) and i'm really excited about the pitches i made for those. i can't wait to share it all soon. if you are waiting, thank you for your patience.

if you've read through this rambling personal update, thank you. i hope life has been treating you well. and if life hasn't, then i hope you're treating yourself well. i hope you have things that bring you joy and that your hands are always warm and if not, then i'll recommend some longan, red date, and goji berry tea. cheers, minh.