#milk just goes 'hold on this is kinda funny i want to steal stuff if i join will you give me my stuff back?'

[chainsawworld]

Thinking of like. An actual pmd au with my guys and its great

[thehallstara]

oh domestic meme edric and morrow : )

big spoon/little spoon: edric big spoon even those he's shorter i don't care

favorite non-sexual activity: like. a lot of random stuff morrow would drag edric into they're very good at that it's usually like. morrow will get an idea in their head of something to do and edric's like. guess i'm doing this now lol

who uses all the hot water: i wanna say both of them it's probably both of them but edric a little more

most trivial thing they fight over: there have been so many over the years when they were teens a fave was who got to be Yoshi in mlario kart ("just be toad, dude. look, you're even matching!"/"I'll fucking kill you, morrow.")

who does most of the cleaning: they're both like. exceedingly messy but edric keeps specifically the kitchen meticulous while morrow keeps everything else somewhat manageable

what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: they both go through phases of not wanting to watch shit i think so it's either whoever is feeling like it atm or if they both are it's rock paper scissors for who gets to choose that being said they absolutely pirate their stuff lol

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: neither of them want to they have to flip a coin every time

who steals the blankets: both. it's a mess every night

who leaves their stuff around: both but for edric its specifically clothes and for morrow it's specifically papers and stuff

who remembers to buy the milk: neither but morrow's usually the one who runs out to get when they inevitably realize they've forgotten it again

who remembers anniversaries: these two do not have an anniversary it's just a decade and a half of chaos

Who cooks normally? edric is for sure more of a cook than morrow morrow will accidentally burn anything they get their hands on

How often do they fight? like. semi-regularly they know each other too well is the thing but they're also like. the definition of facebook "it's complicated" y'know?

What do they do when they’re away from each other? like this is kinda weird right because they never really got into a relationship proper (except in the worlds where they do) and also like they've barely ever lived in the same place but lots of texting these two text a LOT

Nicknames for each other? edric is eds. sometimes eddie but mostly eds. morrow is almost always babe but also on occasion mor and then morrow always makes a joke about "wanting more"

Who is more likely to pay for dinner? neither /j. though genuinely I think edric tries but morrow has the crime money so. yeah

What would they get each other for gifts?it's absolutely just nonsense stuff neither of them need but that they think is funny they both just have so much random stuff

Who kissed who first? edric. they were 13

Who made the first move? morrow. it did not go well

Who remembers things? edric! morrow is way more prone to get lost in stuff so edric is often holding the brain cell for the both of them

Who started the relationship? see the away question they never really formally got to that point HOWEVER it would have been morrow

Who cusses more? both of them are absolutely foul-mouthed and they only egg each other on its a mess

What would they do if the other was hurt? they're both bad about this!! edric goes into mother hen/older sibling mode and it's always a bit much and morrow tends to go more aloof to hide how scared they are and it's not great lol

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

AIGHT Y’ALL I wasn’t tagged but I’m doing this anyways because f u c k  i t

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?

Deadasss weird as fuck, my dude. Like...out of all the things I could’ve predicted happening in our lord’s year 2021, it definitely was NOT getting hyperfixated on a hammy gay ship with a punk and a nerd from a goddamn karate soap opera. And yet...here we are??? I will never understand hyperfixations, my guy. But I’ve met a lot of really cool people in this fandom, so I can’t really complain.

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?

I have never seen a single Karate Kid movie in my entire life. When I was a kid, it looked kinda dumb so I never got into it XD But then I saw my roommate watching Cobra Kai on Youtube Red one day (he has every streaming service known to man) and I was hooked. And...here I am!

We gotta do the basics. Favorite character:  

Literally EVERYONE except for Kreese, Yasmine, Kyler, and Tory, sorry stans

Okay but if we gotta pick, Johnny Lawrence is my Problematic Fave. Also I love my boy Daniel, he’s trying his best!!! And Amanda LaRusso, we stan a queen!!!

Among the kids, definitely Miguel, with Demetri as a close second. I also love Sam, Aisha, Moon, and Hawk (pre- and post-Bastardization Arc, anyways XD)!

Favorite ship:  

Take a look at my username and take a WILD FUCKING GUESS lmao Yes it’s Eli/Demetri because DUH, every interaction they have is so fucking gay and Eli fucking saved him!!! And came back to him!!! And betrayed the world’s most terrifying dojo with a WAR CRIMINAL SENSEI all for Demetri!!! And how Demetri was willing to forgive him for everything at the drop of a hat because he always had faith there was still good in his best friend??? That’s TRUE LOVE motherfuckers. Please let them kiss in Season 4. I will sell you all of my limbs. Sam/Miguel is a close second because they’re cute as shit and it’s just so lovely to see two people so unapologetically smitten with each other. They are in LOVE, and I will RIOT if they break up again!!! Keep Sam and Miguel together 2k21!!!

Underrated character:

SAMANTHA LARUSSO!!! The amount of hate my girl gets for acting like a normal teenager and fucking up occasionally JUST like the rest of the cast makes me want to start punching things. She cares SO MUCH about her friends!!! And she loves the shit out of Miguel!!! She hasn’t always been the best friend but you know what??? Neither has Hawk, and we still forgave his ass!!! Also LET HER BE FEMININE but also kick utter ass, my god!!! Femininity should not be synonymous with being weak, y’all! ALSO DEMETRI, like yes, he likes to complain and occasionally run his mouth, but guess what else he likes to do??? Never give up on the love of his life his best friend Eli Moskowitz and refuse to lose faith in him no matter how much of a little shit he’s become, and I for one think that’s very badass of him. Also the way he takes care of Eli pre-Cobra Kai in his own snarky bastard way makes me absolutely Weak and needs more appreciation. Like the dude has charisma and COULD have probably made other friends and left Eli behind if he wanted, but did he??? No, he wants the weepy loser with the lip scar in the polo shirts and dorky sweaters and will protect him as much as his wimpy ass is able!!!

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol):  

Among the adults, Daniel/Amanda!!! Like maybe I just don’t watch that much tv, but it seems kinda rare to me to see a happily married hetero couple, and it’s just nice to see a married couple who genuinely love each other and where there’s not like...lingering resentment or some shit. I feel like this ship gets overshadowed by Lawrusso a lot (which like--okay, fair!!! Daniel and Johnny do have a ridiculous amount of chemistry, and the gay undertones are undeniable, so I get it), and it makes me kinda sad. I do love Lawrusso, but I don’t like when Amanda has to get her heart broke for it to happen, you feel? Among the kids, honestly YasMoon. Like I really love the idea of Yasmine trying to better herself because of Moon’s influence on her and because Moon like...inspires her to be a better person, I guess? With their pretty strong friendship, it just makes more sense to me for Yasmine to get a redemption arc through Moon than through Demetri. ALSO girls DO often pull the whole “mean girl” shtick to cover up being closeted lesbians, and Moon IS canonically bi, so it could work!!! I just think this one could be a really interesting Friends to Lovers take, and could make a really nice coming-out arc for Yas. And MoonPiper too, honestly!!! Like they only got 5 seconds of screentime so I understand WHY it’s underrated, but I still love what we DID get and loved that there was a canon gay ship (even if only for 1 scene lmao). I’m really excited to potentially see more of them in Season 4!!! Please, I’m begging!!!

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?

Sweep the Leg because it will always be deeply hilarious to me how Demetri took note of the first move Eli ever used on him and spent presumably weeks perfecting it OUT OF SPITE just to get him back with it at the soccer game MONTHS later. Just goes to show how OBSESSED Demetri is with Eli and their little karate rivalry which is just NOT straight, I’m sorry

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favorite?

There’s something so funny about this pretentious little fuck walking around in fancy suits once he becomes a #SuccessfulBusinessman, and still occasionally trying to do karate in a full-ass suit (take THAT, Tom Cole’s boba!!!) I’m also a big fan of how he looks in his gi with his little headband. Still killing that look as a 40-50-something!!!

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver:

Tbh I have still never seen a single Karate Kid movie (they took them off of Netflix, RIP), so...I don’t really care if they bring anyone else back??? I’m invested in the characters we already have in the show, I don’t need some rando from the movies to make a cameo to have a good time XD The only character I really wanted them to bring back was Ali, and they already did, so like...I’m good??? That’s all I really needed, I can die in peace now XD

Scene that lives in your head rent-free:

Basically any fluffy Elimetri scene, but 5 in particular: ~Miguel first meeting Eli and Demetri at the lunch table, and Eli looking at Demetri like he hung every goddamn star in the sky ~Demetri going off at a terrifying, “unhinged” karate sensei on the first day of Cobra Kai because he made fun of Eli’s lip and Demetri is not about that shit ~ELI STEALING DEMETRI’S NACHO AND SMIRKING AT HIM, LIKE EXCUSE ME SIR PLEASE BE A LITTLE LESS HOMOSEXUAL IN FRONT OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ~Eli yanking Demetri onstage during Valley Fest to hold a board, and Demetri being visibly like...extremely turned on when Eli breaks said board ~ELI SAVING DEMETRI DURING THE CHRISTMAS FIGHT, ELI APOLOGIZING, DEMETRI AND ELI KICKING COBRA ASS TOGETHER AKSBDCUWYVCBU

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?

I hope not! He’s kind of a funny meme character to pop up now and again but I don’t think he deserves a serious plotline when there are so many more interesting characters to follow.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?

Miyagi-Do because Cobra Kai would eat me alive. Also I’d probably straight up get stuck and die in that cement mixer, if I even made it that far XD Besides, being salty that your friend who you have a crush on likes martial arts better than you and starting martial arts to impress them but also being too lazy to join anything TOO intense is a Big Mood and I am certainly not speaking from personal experience here, no sirree

What’s your training montage song?

"Shut Up and Drive” by Rihanna for a weight-training and bicep-flexing montage, “Whatever It Takes” by Imagine Dragons for a more intense punching-and-kicking-shit montage. I don’t know why this is, I just feel it in my heart.

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?

*Briefly panics because I don’t actually watch that much TV and most of the stuff I do watch is fantasy/sci fi shit that absolutely would not work for a CK crossover*

Hmmmm okay but ACTUALLY

You know what would be fucking funny as hell would be an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia crossover. Allow me to elaborate: ~The Gang goes to LA on vacation during the height of the Karate Dojo Wars. They literally can get barely anything done without all these goddamn karate-fighting teenagers getting in the way. ~They are all very annoyed by this. Even the most obscure of tourist attractions is eventually intercepted by karate fights. ~Mac tries to join Cobra Kai because he sees all this karate fighting on, and wants to unquestionably prove both his badassery and masculinity. Both Johnny and Kreese are like “Wtf are you doing here? Aren’t you like 30?” ~Mac gets a planet-sized crush on Johnny after all of 5 minutes and endlessly gushes to the gang about him. The gang mercilessly roast him about this and about how much of a pathetic loser with his life together in no way whatsoever Johnny sounds like. They proceed to have exactly 0 self awareness about this. ~The Waitress is in town visiting family or something, and Charlie is stalking her, as per usual. However, every time he’s about to go up and talk to her, a pack of battling Miyagi-Dos and Cobra Kais throwing punches and kicks everywhere blocks his path. One times, Mac is among one of these packs and Charlie is like “???? He didn’t get kicked out of that teen karate dojo yet???” ~Seeing how much the Kids These Days seem to like fighting, Charlie drops by a local high school to try and sell Fight Milk to the kids doing karate. Only Kyler and Brucks buy into it, and subsequently get the entire West Valley High wrestling team sick. Charlie is inevitably arrested, as Counselor Blatt thinks he’s selling the kids drugs. ~Dennis makes a plan to have sex with every hot chick he can in Los Angeles. He meets Ali on a dating app post-divorce, and inevitably tries to bang her. It doesn’t work. ~Frank crashes the rental car, and inevitably the gang ends up at one of Daniel’s dealerships. Dee quickly takes a liking to Daniel and is like “Watch, assholes--Imma homewreck this guy’s marriage.” She starts frequenting the dealerships to attempt to flirt with Daniel, until one day she walks in on him having sex with Johnny in a back room and she’s like “Is that the guy from Mac’s goddamn dojo?!?!” ~Dennis, of course, tries to sleep with Amanda. Amanda is not having it, and rebukes him in the most snarky, Amanda-esque way possible. Dennis is just like “Oh not AGAIN--the women in this goddamn diva city have too high of standards!” ~Later on, the gang is at the beach and Dennis spots the blonde lady he went out on an ill-fate date with, and decides to give it another shot--that is, until he sees her go up and kiss another woman and he’s like “IS THAT THE LADY FROM THE CAR DEALERSHIP??? STUPID-KARATE-KICK-COMMERCIAL’S WIFE?!? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.” ~Dee complains to Dennis about her lack of luck getting laid, and Dennis is just like “Oh come ON, is everyone in Los Angeles gay???” Smash cut to Hawk and Demetri having sex, Moon and Piper making out, Bert and Nate holding hands, Chris and Mitch doing oral, and Amanda, Ali, and Carmen having a threesome. ~Frank tries to scam Kreese into buying cheaply-made karate equipment for his dojo. The gang ends up having to leave LA because Kreese is quite literally plotting all of their murders.

For tagging, uuuuhhhhhh @jackonthelongwalk @soe-leo @max-eagle-fang @cc-tinslebee @backawayfromthegay @asphodel-storm do the thing, if y’all haven’t yet!

[ridiasfangirlings]

Sarumi/Misaru can’t hold back and trying to have sex everywhere but something interrupts Sarumi all the times (poor horny gays😢) funny with happy ending pls

Somehow I can see this happening, like imagine them in their awkward first love enthusiasm where they keep pawing at each other and then suddenly realizing that shit we're in public and about to get caught. Like this definitely happens at least once in their respective clan headquarters, first maybe they're meeting at the bar one day for a date and it happens that Kusanagi's out and the place is empty. Yata asks Fushimi if he wants a drink first and Fushimi just asks for a water, Yata sits down next to him a little stiffly and asks how Fushimi's feeling. Fushimi's all 'fine,' really nonchalant and Yata isn't sure what to do. Finally Yata manages to work up the courage to lean in and kiss Fushimi and that like just opens a floodgate, like first Yata's giving him a kiss and next thing Yata knows Fushimi has Yata's back against the bar. Fushimi's enthusiasm makes Yata feel bolder and he starts to unzip Fushimi's pants. Fushimi's got a hand under Yata's shirt and they're about to climb onto the bar when suddenly there's the sound of skirts swishing and Anna walks calmly down the steps, goes behind the bar, gets herself a glass of milk and then turns to go back upstairs without even blinking. Yata and Fushimi pull away from each other like they've been burned, Yata trying way too hard to act like he didn't just have his hands down Fushimi's pants and Fushimi just hunched and clicking his tongue with a distinct blush on his face. Anna simply nods at the two of them and goes back upstairs, totally unbothered, but Fushimi and Yata are just sitting there in youthful frustration because touching each other now would just be weird okay.

Fushimi finally suggests they go back to his dorm and Yata's like yeah, good idea. They decide to walk and that keeps getting awkward too, like Yata's trying really hard to keep from getting too excited but he's very aware that he and Fushimi almost had sex and even though it's embarrassing he suddenly just really really wants to have sex with Saruhiko. At one point Yata's like okay screw it and they duck into an alley, they're in the middle of making out when there's like a sudden movement and someone runs past them. They hear a voice yelling at them to move and suddenly some of the Scepter 4 alphabet squad is there, it turns out the Strain they were chasing ducked down the alley and there's like this long silence as the alphabet boys realize that Fushimi-san is here and so is his boyfriend and why were they alone in this dark alley. Akiyama coughs delicately and is like you two carry on we'll handle this but Fushimi's got a twisted grin as he pulls out a knife like no it's fine let me (he needs to work off the frustration somehow okay).

So now that they've caught the Strain Fushimi has to write out his report first and Yata has to wait for him, still stewing in obvious sexual frustration and trying not to think about Saruhiko's tight pants and how he's got his coat off and you can see the knife harness and did Saruhiko always look this good with leather straps all over him. Fushimi's having his own difficulty concentrating on the report because Misaki is right there and he wants Misaki over here but he also doesn't want to get caught again. Yata starts creeping slowly closer too, like well everyone else has already left and it's just us and maybe it's kinda exciting and stuff to try and steal a kiss. That turns into Yata sitting on Fushimi's lap and grinding against him a little – and then promptly falling off onto the floor when the door opens and Hidaka comes running in because he forgot to turn in his report. He sees Fushimi sitting there with a red face and breathing hard and Yata lying on the floor looking disheveled and Hidaka's immediately like '….I'll come back later.' He ducks out of the room just in time to avoid the knives thrown at his head. (And then finally Fushimi for once is like you know what I'll finish this tomorrow and he just grabs Yata by the wrist and drags him back to Fushimi's room, making sure the door is locked and bolted before letting Yata pin him against the wall and start back over with the kissing.)

[rosyerim]

pocket sized!nct dream

basically nct dream but,,,they can fit in your hand,,, also mark isn’t here but I couldn't find a dream gif w/o mark 

haechan;

usually sitting ontop of your right shoulder, judging every task you do

“why does your handwriting resemble chicken scratch?”

“your hair is greasy, you should wash it”

“that ramen isn't cooked properly, the water is too hot!”

“haechan I will throw you in the pot”

he shuts up realll quick

but then he's back to whining & will only shut up if you give him half a cookie since he can't finish it whole

he loves a good ole KUWTK marathon but you have to remind him he is not actually Kim kardashian and you’re not his assistant

once he was looking for his your headphones & started snapping his fingers at you to get them lol you weren't happy

he doesn't even have to try but haechan can make you laugh at literally anything he’s just naturally funny 

so whenever you’re in a bad mood, the boys send him out to you to sooth you & it usually works lmao

is like your own personal stylist, he makes sure to check out your outfit before you go out anywhere

when he doesn't like it he just gives you a certain look up and down

“you don’t like it? whats wrong w it?”

“that top with those heels? whats right with it?

renjun;

steals your pencils that are basically stubs so he can do some drawing of his own :’((

makes you stay up late with him to watch conspiracy theories about the universe but then falls asleep on your phone screen 20 mins in

loves when you buy little stones for yourself, for like protection & well being, etc and renjun will spends hours wiping them down & researching everything he can on the stones

uses your phone just so he can learn how to do ballet from the comfort of your house but is still too shy to show you a dance routine for now

hates hates scary stuff but insists on watching the documentary about serial killers & afterwards he usually ends up sleeping on the pillow your head is on because he swears he's being watched lol

prefers sleeping in your hoodie pockets but has had one too many near death experiences with you not realising & catching him as he falls out so now you carefully pick up any article of clothing you own

likes the piano tiles app because he can basically play it using his lil feets 

he also beats your high score so you're lowkey salty but so long as he’s happy 

comes to you first about all his problems & likes to have a lil venting session with you & him cuddled in the armchair, sharing a cup of hot chocolate because he doesn't like bitter things

sometimes when you’re feeling kinda down he sits down on your shoulder & sings to you softly in chinese because he doesn't want you to,,,feel alone,,,my heart,,,,take it(●´□`)♡

jeno;

the quietest boy out of the six and the sweetest little boy ever :’((

brings you flowers he picked out of your neighbours garden covered in dirt because he saw how stressed out you were abt studying & reminds you to drink your water <33

likes to sit on your lap watching morning cartoons, giggling away behind his tiny bowl of cereal 

is best friends with the next door neighbours cat yet is deathly allergic to them??

he nearly scared you one morning when you were woken up by jeno’s teeny screams from around your house but turns out he was just riding on the cats back

you ended up having to take care of him for two days since he got super sick

you tried to scold him but he was still on the high from being up so high so he's just like 

“okay I'm sorry I won't do it again (｡◝‿◜｡)”

goes on random junk food hunts around your kitchen, can be found eating half a dorito chip in your cupboard at 3am mood

has a newfound love for asmr’s & if you ever lose your phone, worry not because jeno has it & is watching; long nails tapping different objects for two hours, no talking, only sounds 

also looooves dancing so he likes free styling with jisung by the radio & gets all shy & blushy when you compliment him 

jaemin;

lives in your shirt pocket because its 1) close to your heart & 2) very warm in there & 3) doesn’t have to leave your side!!

loves you v much & expresses it by leaving little pecks on your fingertips :’)))

likes to sleep on your fluffy plushies because its super comfy to him

his favourite is obvi ryan

fave spot is standing on your counter doing the best he can to help you bake sweet treats

imagine him standing holding up a whisk attempting to mix the wet ingredients with the dry ones but ending up falling :(( 

bub gets sad because he's afraid he messed it up but gets happy again when you set him on decorating the cakes :)) he’s super concentrate & even goes as far as to write your name best he can with icing

if its long then he just writes ur nickname 

likes to spend some of his free time reading books

the first time you were really confused on why your english book standing on its spine, had pages opening randomly 

turns out it was just jaemin being an intellectual

 you end up helping him flick the pages tho after he gets a paper cut :(

he really milks it tho like

“oh no y/n my hand is in pieces, I think im dying ε-(≖д≖﹆)”

but once you give him a hello kitty bandaid & hugs he's okay

chenle;

likes to sit in the palm of your hand & talk to you about how your day went & about how his day went & the birds he saw in the sky today & how he likes ice cream & basically it’s him babbling away to you

but you don't mind it, he's so endearing :’)

goofiest little man, tells you random jokes he heard on the radio & gets all smiley when you laugh at them, even if they're not funny

makes you play dominos with him but by the time he's gotten three standing up, you've got the whole thing set up

doesn't stop him from pushing the first one down and shrieking in delight when they all fall in sync aw cute baby

he also watches some KUWTK w/ haechan as he loves the drama & he picks up the lingo 

“hey lele have you seen my phone?im so annoyed I can't find it”

“omg there are literally people dying y/n ੧| ‾́ー ‾́ |੭”

you end up banning them from watch it 

even tho he’s small he eats a loooott

he will eat an entire bowl of ramen if you let him & you try to stop him but all he has to do it be like

“please let me eat it all y/n i wont get sick i love u uwuଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧”

“oh of course you can you cutie here you go (n˘v˘•)¬”

he ends up with a tummy ache, again so you’re looking after him, again

not that you mind, he's the babiest of babies (˵¯͒⌄¯͒˵)

jisung;

can be found sleeping on top of the fluffiest make up brush you own

sleeps everywhere, likes sleeping under your carpet??

when you try waking him up he just falls back asleep in your hand :,))

if he's not sleeping, he's free styling by your radio and you can't help but record it

swears he doesn't like your slime yet you've had to help him out of multiple sticky sticky situations because he got too excited playing with your strawberry scented slime

watched one episode of gordon ramsay & swears he's the masterchef 

“aii that’s not how you fry the rice! you need to wait until it sizzles dude do you even know what you’re doing?!”

you set him down in the timeout corner

but he’s just chilling like

“if I get food poisoning its your fault (｡･･｡)”

picks up the local whiteboy lingo after he listens to his “lit asf playlist”

will randomly say aye & start nae naeing to you like, tapping your pen on the desk when you're studying 

won't admit it but loves when you cup him in your hands & sway him from side to side & he trusts you enough not to drop him

also has a weird habit of surfboard in the sink with a barbie surfboard & tells you to blow on the water so he can “surf”

you do it tho because his little giggles fill your heart

bonus; imagine all of them in little onesies of their fave animals & little cute hoods ♡✧。 (⋈◍＞◡＜◍)。✧♡

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Dino Rant (Nov 27 + Other Side Tales)

My siblings are currently mad at me. Here’s what went down. Tagging: @akaskira​ @ce-la​ @caratheillustrious​ Who are all practically my spiritual online older sister/sage advice givers and @lizard-in-the-rain​ who can be an idiot along with me.

For context:  Ate = Sister Kuya = Brother * My dad and I have a rocky past because he’s very old-fashioned, hasn’t been always supportive about my mental health, and is really old and out of date (especially about LGBTQ, feminism, HK protests, etc.) * My sister also has a rocky past with me but has since calmed down a little thanks to old age (she’s 23) * My brother is constantly busy with school (and stressed), is still mourning his breakup after a few months which continues to salt his wounds (not because his ex is crappy but she’s really nice. He’s having a bit of trouble still.), and is a very sensitive person (more sensitive than my sister)

Further in, you can see what happened at the orchestra concert on Saturday. For context, you can check out a previous rant.

Me: Dad got some bad oil burns. I was in the family room as he was yelling “[MOM NAME x 3] WHAT DO I DO WITH OIL BURNS?” Mom was upstairs and didn’t hear They are kinda big He’s upset

Ate: What the why didn't you help him call mom???? did you??? yike oil burns are no joke bc they hurt for longer bc water just steams away but oil sticks and keeps burning and the scars are worse

Me: Uh... I was scrolling on tumblr? I don’t know. I thought he already put ice.

Ate: smh

Me: But looking back, I heard the water running for less than a minute.

Ate: LOL

Me: And never heard the freezer open

Ate: water won't help unless you use soap anyways

Me: So I thought he did that but he was really just yelling for mom He didn’t even ice it. He said he ran some water over it.

Ate: make sure you help if someone yells for help next time even if you think it's handled bc if a person is panicking/in pain they're likely not thinking straight to help themselves speaking from experience

Me: Mom tried to give him advice now and he just walked away going “uh huh”

Ate: even I know to put my hand under cold running water and ice it but I've definitely not done that when I've burnt myself before I would be pretty choked too if there were 2 other people in the house and neither of them came to help me when I got oil burns

Me: Mom was upstairs and couldn’t hear. I thought he was crying wolf as usual.He yells for mom around three times on a daily basis

Ate: fair but fr next time take the 5 seconds to check bc sometimes bad things happenesp if all you hear is a thud

Me: “[Mom Name x 3 again] I CANT FIND THE [blank]!!!” Mom: it’s been in the same spot for over a decade. Look with your eyes.

Me: Mom does that once every other day (has a big thud) usually because something broke. When I heard the yell this time, I thought it was because he knocked something over. Dad is always yelling He even asked mom how to make the rice And didn’t make it because she didn’t answer fast enough Dad is a drama queen. That’s where we all get it from.

Ate: I mean

Kuya: Tf is this situation How can you ignore someone in need of help Regardless of who it is Doesn't it hurt to see someone suffering

Me: I didn’t see anything

Kuya: Unless you hold extreme animosity Like they killed your mom or something I have to hand something in by 10 But I find this quite upsetting

Me: I didn’t see anything, and the last thing he yelled was an oil burn, and the only advice I had was water and ice which I thought he already did.

Me (in response to animosity): Not extreme, but living with him with only me as the child has screwed a lot of things up.It has taken a toll on my sympathy for people (or whatever is left)

Ate: Same but he's still our dad?

Me: Eh, I honestly thought it was a small thing until I saw it.

Ate: I have only shreds of respect for him left but idk if I would go as far as to just overlook "oil burn" and figure "oh, I can't help so I'll ignore him" like that's a lil funny

Me: Again, when someone is constantly yelling, there’s a point where you don’t listen fully to what they’re saying. It only registered later that his burns might actually be serious and more than putting your fingertip on a hot pan. I also have little sympathy due to how he’s treated me during my past situations so honestly, I’ve little tolerance.

Afterwards, my mom called my sister who was absolutely hysterical and screaming on the other line to the point where my mom had to pull the phone away from her ear.

________________

Some Stupid Orchestra Stories:

Things I have said to my orchestra cohorts that might’ve scared them:

*sees me bump my instrument* Trumpet: Ouch Me (walking away): Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, and dead men tell no tales. Doug: What?

*sees me bump my bow* Doug: Ouch Me (tired because I was just excluded from the conversation today because no one would listen to what I had to say): I’m going to stab you Doug: Pat, protect me!

Me: *tells anything about school* Everyone: MAJOR CONCERN (Examples: Kid said that this guy could have sex with his friend before she turned 21 by slipping a drug into her drink, kid saying he was going to hit a girl with a metal bar from the desk, kids smoking out back, kids make noise downstairs which causes the room I work in to shake, kids throwing stuff out car windows, kids brawling, my science teacher from regular school failing me for practically no reason)

More of an annoying incident from me: Hannah: Who’re you messaging? Your girlfriend? Sean: Yeah Me: YOU’RE STILL TOGETHER?! Sean: (sheepishly) yeah

To be fair, I get weirded out whenever they flash their privilege as semi-well off rich kids.  “Remember those special trips you get to take with your school to learn more about science? // Remember those international trips you take with your school club?” Me: ...no?! I’m not poor, I just dropped out of school before I could even go to my nearest McDonalds for a field trip.

But Doug is a little dumb sometimes. He doesn’t get my sense of humour (understandable), but he’s a little ignorant towards not-privileged people. 

He literally said he goes to sleep at 9:30pm, got into university (this is a semi-prestigious one) first try with 90s in all of his classes (at least), has a girlfriend, has friends, and doesn’t understand why anyone would stay later than that unless they had poor time management. His words, not mine. My brother stays there until around 12am studying. He was not happy to hear that. Doug is first year so my siblings are making fun of him saying he will perish in a year’s time. My parents saw him stealing kisses from his girlfriend in a parking lot during the day of our last concert. I seriously though the girl in his profile picture was his sister and not his girlfriend because they were both seriously white. Whiter than a bowl of milk I tell you.

He also doesn’t know what a period app would be for. I was a little annoyed. My brother knows about this well enough because we all know my sister and mom would not let anyone in this family live if they did not know the ins-and-outs of a period. Doug was like, “Why would you need to track that?” I responded, “Because they’re irregular.” He looked a little puzzled and I said, “Douglas, you’re a science major. There’s sex ed in school.” He responded that he is going into research (not sure what that has to do with menstrual ignorance) and never paid attention during sex ed (since it’s never for marks). I then got a little more pushy and said, “Well, if you ever want a girlfriend, maybe you should learn.” To which he said, “I have a girlfriend”. To which I gave him a look of:

Stories from the orchestra concert:

I did tell the bass instructor about this so maybe it’ll get sorted out but I did this “tell the teacher” thing twice where it backfired terribly. Let’s hope university kids are a little more grown up.

My messages from that night: Pat told me it was cute when I played in the wrong spots. It was genuine like she said it was cute. But it was like ??? I was having a panic attack. My brain left my body. I don’t want to play anymore. Then she put up her bow to make sure I wouldn’t flip the page Then she hit her bow on her bass. I really don’t want to play anymore. (She also repeated the same thing twice knowing from a previous talk that I have bad anxiety. She has anxiety as well.)

Me: Then Hannah and Patricia were commenting on my shoes. I like wearing my orthotics. They make my feet feel not in pain. Ate: tell them that Me: I did They told me to take off my shoes “They can’t even see my feet” I’m all the way in the back behind people “Then take off your shoes” “But then I’ll be in pain” “But you sit” (I have one foot on the ground) “So take them off. It’s for dress code. People can see you” Ate:  but it's literally a medical thing Tell them to actually fuck off hoh my god it's like asking a blind person to put their stick away bc people will trip on it or that you can't have your service dog with you like????

[lenucciagreco]

the loved ones

an anon sent me a prompt a hot minute ago to the effect of “Richard is a total know-it-all, but especially about Jared.” this is... sort of about that but mostly tries to answer some other questions i had about their relationship, Jared’s life offscreen and outside of the Pied Piper bubble, and also how “normal people” would feasibly treat the both of them.

that said, this is VERY MUCH lighthearted wish fulfillment, so, pretty average stuff from me LOL.

words: 3,096

content: Richard is bi and bad at communicating, a lot of Jared headcanons that probably contradict the writing, some OCs i was forced to make up to properly tell this story that also definitely contradict the writing.

He has elderly friends. He actually has elderly friends. This is fine.

Richard tries not to visibly claw at the armrest of the tiny wing chair in the corner, a thousand afghans and granny-square blankets draped over its back. He wouldn’t usually picture a house like this as belonging to people named Muriel and Eloise, but as he always has to remind himself, this is Northern California, and the tiny, dour church ladies he’s used to are few and far between.

“So, what was it you said you did again, dear?” this unsettlingly kind woman with the oxygen tank asks him, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of herbal tea. “I know Donald said something about—”   

“Richard and I met through work, Muriel,” Jared cuts in, his expression growing more tense. Maybe that’s just in his imagination. “Actually—well, I’ll embarrass him if I say this, but he inadvertently rescued me from the bad situation I was in before. At Hooli.” 

Muriel pauses, and then her face suddenly lights up: “Of course, of course. He’s told us all about you.”   

The other woman (her wife, who he’d first introduced to Muriel years ago, as Jared explained in the car) steps away from the cutting board she’s been zeroed in on for the last fifteen minutes, and leans against the kitchen island. She’s younger than Muriel—maybe in her late sixties—and hair is cropped and dyed black, almost auburn in parts, the sleeves of her denim shirt rolled to her elbows.   

“This is that Richard?” she asks, regarding him with a stiff smile—as if to show him she isn’t hostile, but not much more. His stomach turns. “Donald, you two haven't—”

Muriel reaches for her walker and stands up, unwavering in her cheeriness. “Eloise, won’t you help me pick out something from the cellar? And we should really start getting the table ready. Can you two finish with the salad?" 

“Of course,” Jared says. His face is calm again, but he can tell he’s close to yanking him from the seat by the arm, already preemptively apologizing for bringing him here. Richard stands up and smiles at him in a way he hopes is reassuring, and goes to the kitchen. 

His last date before all of this, what feels like ages before he willingly got in a car headed to a ranch in Sonoma, was also his all-time worst. It was an actual get-your-number-and-go-to-dinner type date. It was with some girl named Hannah; a freelance web designer who used to work at Hooli, too, although they’d never met before. It had been going well on the whole, until his mind jumped to the worst possible thing mid-conversation, something stupid like right, gastronomy just means the study of food and culture—my friend Jared actually knows a lot about— 

“You mean Jared Dunn? That guy always kind of gave me the creeps.” 

“What?” Richard picked at his dessert, trying to look casual. “I mean—why’s that?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, “something about his demeanor always just bothered me.”   

“That’s funny,” he said, then caught himself. "Or—well, it’s not that funny, but I understand. He really is a great guy if you get to know him. It’s just that people don’t always, um…respond well to him?” 

“He seemed nice”—she repeated this word as an afterthought, free of any actual meaning—“just not very good at picking up on social cues.”   

“God, you just described everyone I know.” It was meant to be a joke, but he was the only one who laughed. He sloshed the wine in his glass, a tiny purple stain dotting his thumb. 

“And the oversharing,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “Some people are okay with it, but for me it was just—it’s too much.”   

“It’s not for the attention, though,” he says, his tongue starting to feel heavy from the wine. “Not like everybody else. It’s like—he thinks he needs to give a disclaimer to everyone he meets, 'hey, I’m kinda fucked up and have a lot of trauma but I’m fine!’ Don’t get me wrong, some of the stuff he tells me, just offhand, is insane. But he’s a literal genius. Like Jesus Christ, he’s a walking encyclopedia on naval history, 19th century American poets, the DSM—” 

“You know a lot about Jared,” Hannah said, quietly.   

“Um.” Richard put his glass down. "Yeah, I guess I do.”   

He saw the waiter come down with two more drinks and, mercifully, the check.

“I’m so sorry,” Jared starts, the second they’re alone. “I didn’t tell you everything when we were in the car.”   

“It’s okay,” he says, “just—what did you tell her about me that made her hate me?”   

“Eloise doesn’t hate you. She’s just a little protective of me. Really, she’s like this with everyone I bring over.” 

“Jared.” He leans both elbows onto the counter and looks him in the eye. “What does that mean.”   

“It means,” Jared says, absurdly calm, “that she's like this with everyone I bring over, Richard. We do this dinner every year, and she always has something to say about my guests. It has nothing to do with us.”   

Richard notices the tips of his ears are red. He decides not to prod anymore, even if the answer just makes him feel worse.   

Instead he steals a sliver of cucumber off the cutting board and chews it. He feels the urge to make himself useful in the kitchen, but Jared’s stonewalling him by standing at the counter, shoulders squared, slicing the tomatoes at a worrying pace. He can’t help but think he looks just like Eloise minutes ago, right down to the posture. 

When he sees a person he cares about in pain, he mirrors them. Richard knows that. He also knows she can’t be his birth mother, because she died when he was twelve. When he told him this, at four a.m. lying face to face in a bunk bed, Richard reached out his hand and pulled it to his chest.   

This is not good. It’s fine. They’re going to be fine.   

A huge, bony cat butts his head against Richard’s ankle and slides past him. He’s counted three. It yowls up at the counter, probably well aware of the biggest pushover in the room. But Jared doesn’t fold. 

“It’s not for you, Bartleby.” He scoops it up in his arms, a heap of gray fur and flailing paws, and attempts to hand it off to Richard. “Can you take him outside? Please?”   

He can’t really say no, so he gets a good grip on the cat and heads out the screen door. When he gets outside, Eloise is standing on the patio, uncorking a bottle of wine.   

“He doesn’t let everybody hold him like that,” she says, nonplussed. As she says it, Bartleby slips out of Richard’s arms. (What an awful name.) “He’s a little anxious.”   

“Me too,” Richard says. It’s a joke, but not really.   

“So how did you meet Donald?” she asks, cutting through whatever fifteen layers of bullshit he was operating on. “Why do you call him that other name?”   

“Um.” He stops, realizing he’s never had to even really confront the issue. “When I met him, that’s what he told me his name was, and it just stuck—I mean, he’s never asked me to switch. Are you saying that I should?”  

“I don’t have any opinion on what you should do,” she says, and he physically feels himself get knocked down a peg or two realizing this is far from the first time she’s had this conversation. "I just expect you to treat Donald well. He has a knack for getting manipulated by other people who don’t actually value him.”  

“I’m not one of those people,” he says. “He’s really helped me. Through a lot of awful shit. And—he’s told me, you know, things about himself—”   

“He tells everyone his things,” Eloise says. “Anyone who’s willing to listen.”   

“Like—the real things.”   

“Like what?”   

Jared steps out onto the patio, salad bowl in his hands. “Everything’s ready. Where should I put it?” 

The first thing he did after the worst date of his life, after climbing apologetically out of a Lyft, was make a beeline to the garage. Jared was there, and awake—he almost always was at that hour, back then. He was under the cheap duvet, on his laptop, leaning against some milk crates.

“How did it go?”   

“Jared,” he said, staggering to the air mattress and kneeling at the edge. “I fucked up.”   

“Oh.” He shut his laptop and sat up straight, watching him crawl closer. Richard was sure he was trying not to touch him, not to physically engage at all, expertly restrained. Always so respectful of his boundaries, always Richard’s needs before his own. “What happened? Did something go wrong with Hannah?”   

(In hindsight, he seemed a little too eager to ask.)   

“I—just realized I need to stop fucking kidding myself,” he blurted, feeling blindly for Jared’s knee. Was he crying already? It felt like it, on his face. He was pretty loaded. “I need to stop. Stop pretending.”   

“Pretending what?”   

“That—you’re not the person. The person I want to be with.” He could barely understand himself, he was sobbing so loudly, probably sounding ridiculous. “But it’s so stupid and impossible that I have to lie to myself about it.”

“Richard,” he said, hands suddenly on his shoulders, dead calm. “You’re very drunk.”   

He saw right through him. Something about his placid denial, the insistence that nothing was wrong, enraged him in that moment. “I see you looking at me all the time. I notice everything, dude, so don’t just fucking pretend you don’t want this—”   

“Richard.”   

He tried to lean in, writing checks he can’t cash. “Please. Just tell me it’s possible.”   

In some far-off fantasy world Jared could have just dropped his scruples and they could have fucked right there, on that awful air mattress, with his head two inches from the concrete. But instead he just grabbed both his wrists and held onto them, forcing Richard to go still.   

“I do. I do want it.” He looked him square in the eye. “But I don’t really think it should happen like this. Do you?”   

It wasn't a rhetorical question. Richard pulled his hands away—he wasn’t holding on that hard—and considered his options. Then he shook his head.   

“Okay. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”   

“No.”   

He cleared his throat and put his head down, on the corner of the pillow. Because there’s some fucking good left in the world, Jared slipped his arm around his shoulder and pressed his lips to a spot beneath his eyebrow, and neither of them had to say a word. 

More people start to trickle in, some of them names Richard actually recognizes—Muriel’s daughter and tiny blonde grandchild, aunts and distant friends that seem oddly excited once they find out who he is. Jared does a lot of the talking for him, anyway, and lays it on thick (probably to apologize without ever having to say anything.) Richard’s a Stanford-educated engineer; Richard’s got a brilliant mind; you two would find a lot to talk about. But before he even scratches the surface with anybody he gets whisked off to someone else.  

Which is just as well, really. He’s never good with strangers, and as usual, Jared took steps to circumvent it, steps Richard wouldn’t even think to take. Maybe he is like every other schlubby boyfriend he’s brought over.   

Muriel rings some kind of New Age dinner bell, loud and clangy, and everyone gathers around the outdoor table. It’s beautiful, actually—the backyard stretches out for what looks like forever, a wooded path not far down the hill. Once Richard finds his seat, he glances up and suddenly sees Jared pouring him a glass of wine. 

Something about the whole image is just weird. The only thing that comes out of his mouth is: “Oh. It’s white?”   

“Red wouldn’t go with this meal,” Jared says, “technically. You’re at a table of oenophiles that would say so.” 

“Right.” He already feels a little disoriented.   

“Not a big wine drinker?” Muriel asks.   

“I like it, just—” 

“That’s quite alright. It’s meant to be enjoyed with food,” she says. “This is from our vinery. We only serve what we make to friends.”   

“And Trader Joe’s,” Eloise says.   

“And Trader Joe’s. But that’s just to keep the lights on. Should we have a toast?”

The wine goes down light and easy, perfect for an amateur like himself. Eloise, spearing a few pieces of vegan gnocchi, addresses him from the other side of the table: “What were we talking about before, Richard?” 

“Whatever it was,” Jared pipes in, “I’m sure the rest of the table wouldn’t find it very interesting.”   

Of course, everyone but the three of them are caught up in other conversations. Richard looks around for some other kind of lifeline that he knows does not exist.   

“It was about you, Donald,” she says, perfectly genteel. “Just—that you two had gotten to know each other quite well in the last few months.”   

Jared knits his brow, his voice pitching up the way it does when he’s upset: “We’ve known each other about four years.”   

“I know,” Eloise says, “but this development is recent?”   

He turns to Richard, but it seems like he’s already made up his mind by the time he looks at him. “About six weeks. I don’t know why it’s so important.”   

Even she backs off after that, but Richard can tell it’s with great restraint. “Forgive me. I was just curious. Especially after the conversations we’ve had before.”  

“Eloise, it feels—really unnecessary to bring that up,” Jared says (easily the harshest thing Richard's heard him say to someone he cares for.) “Of course I forgive you. But I—” 

“No, you’re right, this is total bullshit.” Richard pushes his wine glass away from him, a little stunned at the words coming out of him—but he feels stone-cold sober and fed up with watching this same scene play out. “Jared’s a grown adult. He can make his own decisions about who he wants to date without screening them for you.”   

“Richard,” he says, his hand suddenly clasping the top of his arm, “it’s not that. She’s talking about something I said before—” 

“It doesn’t matter what you said, like, upwards of a year ago. I was probably a massive dick to you back then.” He feels eyes on him, but keeps going anyway: “She’s just using your words against you. It’s manipulative as shit and I’m not playing along with it.”   

Suddenly the table is quiet. Muriel asks, slowly: “Is everything alright, dear?”   

Richard shakes his head, pushing his chair out and standing up. “No. Sorry, I should—I should go. Sorry, everyone.” 

He hears Jared say his name, but it’s too late. He makes a break for it into the woods.

Somehow he managed to steal the rest of the wine from the ice bucket, too. He’s already made enough of a prick of himself that he figures it can’t hurt. So there he is, wandering on someone else’s property with a bottle of Sauvignon blanc. At the bottom of the hill is a tiny river, snaking a few miles down—he finds a swing chair hanging from a tree and falls back into it, just now noticing he’s half in the bag.   

Jared’s not far behind, of course. He secretly hopes he’ll turn around and prolong this conversation for as much time as possible, but the sound of his voice, his footsteps get closer until it’s unavoidable.   

Then he’s standing behind him, hand on the back of the chair, steadying the rope. “Are you okay?” 

“Why are you asking if I’m okay? I just fucked up twenty people’s evening when I was supposed to impress them.” 

“I don’t care about impressing anyone,” Jared says. “Eloise—helped me a lot. I owed it to her, for you two to meet. That’s all.”   

“Well, she met me,” Richard says, mustering a completely inappropriate laugh. “What did you say about me before that was so bad?”   

He sits down beside him. “Just that I—talk a lot and I wasn’t sure if you listened, always. But I know that’s not true now—”   

“Of course it’s not true.” Richard turns to him. “Jared, I remember everything you tell me. Like how you’re a Pisces and prefer regular Cheerios to fucking honey nut. Like—how in the tenth grade you had to memorize 'O Captain, My Captain' and it stuck with you forever. You used to daydream about sailing away from wherever you were but you were in landlocked Pennsylvania so you didn’t even see a boat in a harbor until you were nineteen and took a bus to the Jersey shore, but you kept saying you were going to the shore because that was the only thing you heard people call it, you didn’t even know it was in New Jersey until you got there. You love children. And animals. And anyone who listens to you which means a ton of shitty people take advantage of you, or they treat you like shit because they don’t get it. 

"Your favorite book is Moby Dick because you like stories about the ocean and—I don’t know, you probably relate to the whole thing of chasing something aimlessly and having it haunt you every day of your life until it kills you, but I don’t want it to kill you, Jared, I just want you to be well-adjusted and fucking happy—”   

He stops him. “I am happy. I’m happier than ever with you. Always.” 

“I’m sorry,” Richard says. “I shouldn’t have said all that. I made a prick of myself in front of people you really wanted me to meet. And you worked so hard to try to make them like me—I fucked up whatever chance we had.”

“I don’t care what they think.” Jared reaches for his hand, looking strangely giddy about all of this. “I mean—I do, but I care more about you. About us.” 

“There’s an ‘us’ now.” He doesn’t say it out of skepticism—it’s something closer to relief. 

“Yeah.” There’s a pause as he slips his arm around his waist, a troubled expression when Richard doesn’t answer, even as he leans heavily into his side. “You do know that. Right?” 

“I know.” He stares out in front of him, at the dappled sunlight and soft grass, in this place he knows he’s no longer welcome in, and squeezes Jared’s hand. “Is it okay if we go home?” 

“Of course,” Jared says. They do not move. 

[buffyanon]

For the domestic meme bc WOW I LOVE DOMESTICITY: tillow, briley, xandrew, lunn, and cangel.

You’re so extra that I have to put this under a readmore. And I already did cangel :)

tillow!

big spoon/little spoon: They switch a lot, even multiple times a night. They’re just super  touchy with each other, they cuddle even when it’s way too warm to be comfortable. 

favorite non-sexual activity: Getting high and watching Steven Universe. Or going to animal shelters and hanging out with old dogs and cats (but especially cats) because they’re so precious and affectionate. 

who uses all the hot water: They both do, because they shower together 90% of the time. it isn’t even always a sexual thing, they just like being around each other and washing each other’s hair and singing along to the radio. 

most trivial thing they fight over: They don’t really fight about trivial things? If they are, it’s because there’s a bigger underlying issue that neither of them want to address. 

who does most of the cleaning: They clean together but they’re so bad at it because they get distracted by random things they find. It takes them hours. 

what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: They have pretty much the same taste in shows so it’s not usually a problem, but if there’s a conflict then Willow usually gets her way because she’s the better pouter. 

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: Willow, because Tara’s got phone anxiety and because she’s bad at price negotiations. Willow’s not great at the later either, but she’s better than Tara is. 

who steals the blankets: Willow. She burritos herself in her sleep and she and Tara wake up all tangled, it’s ridiculous. And also adorable. 

who leaves their stuff around: They both do, but especially Willow. Neither of them mind, though. It gives their space personality. 

who remembers to buy the milk: They’re vegans but Willow remembers to buy the almond milk for herself and the coconut milk for Tara. 

who remembers anniversaries: Tara remembers them first but Willow gets around to it. They do lowkey things most years but they’re fun, like garden picnics and pillow fort movie nights. 

who cooks normally?: They love cooking together and trying out recipes they find on Pintrest, which sometimes end terribly but it’s a good time anyway. They’re not above cliche flour fights. 

how often do they fight?: Not that often, but they do fight. After a little while of being together, they get good at it, though. Like, they learn how to fight without being intentionally hurtful or manipulative or anything like that. (Willow needs more help with this than Tara does.)

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: Text absolutely constantly, and video chat when they can. If they’re sleeping away from each other, sometimes they’ll video chat while falling asleep because it’s easier to sleep when they’re with each other. 

nicknames for each other?: God, they have so many. Obvious ones, like honey, peaches,baby, etc. But they also have a lot of animals (like squirrel and Bambi) and totally random ones that come from inside jokes, it’s ridiculous. 

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: They don’t actually eat out all that much, because of the vegan thing ignore the obvious innuendo there, but when they do it’s just whoever has a better job at the time, unless it’s someone’s birthday or something. 

what would they get each other for gifts?: They’re good at handmade, so they do those pretty often, but Tara has been known to splurge on jewelry for Willow and Willow always finds funky stuff on vacation (which is what she calls going on overseas missions with the scoobies) for Tara.  

who kissed who first?: Willow, and she was so so so nervous and it was just a small peck but it was a thousand times better than any kiss she had ever had with a boy. 

who made the first move?: We pretty much saw this in Hush and it was so perfect I don’t want to change anything. 

who remembers things?: Tara’s better at this because Willow can be such a scatter brain. But they have a (super cramped and messy) whiteboard calendar in their kitchen that helps. 

who started the relationship?: Neither one ever ‘officially’ asked the other out, it just kind of happened because of mutual feelings and understanding of those feelings. 

who cusses more?: Willow, but neither of them cuss very much. Willow is known to make up her own cusses though, like “oh snickerdoodle” and it’s absolutely adorable. 

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: They totally mother hen each other and...Well, we know what Willow does when Tara’s killed so she kind of goes ham if there’s nothing she can do to help. 

briley!

big spoon/little spoon: Riley’s the big spoon when they spoon. Neither of them sleep a lot while Riley’s on the Initiative drugs, but once he’s off of them, they usually sleep facing each other so Buffy doesn’t wake Riley up and because they both have nice faces which are good to look at. 

favorite non-sexual activity: Riley convinced Buffy to try one of those escape the room things, and they both loved it so much that they do it like once a month. By now they know all the tropes so it isn’t as challenging, and they’re considering making their own but they know it would be impossible for anyone besides them to solve it. (The first time they did one, though, Riley had to talk Buffy out of just punching the door open when she couldn’t figure out a riddle)

who uses all the hot water: Buffy when she takes baths, which she likes because she makes them rose scented and they’re relaxing, but they both generally take quick showers. 

most trivial thing they fight over: Buffy talking so much during vampire movies annoys Riley, but she was right and he does the same thing when watching military movies and she jokingly picks fights about that. 

who does most of the cleaning: Riley, mostly because Buffy’s busy with slayer stuff and he likes making her life easier, but also because in the military you learn how to be all clean and organized and Buffy and Dawn don’t excel at that. 

what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: Buffy, she’s good at talking Riley into watching objectively terrible tv. They both really like Community, though. 

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: Neither of them because Riley can generally fix it himself, and if not he’s got an army buddy who can. They don’t love spending money when they don’t have to. 

who steals the blankets: Neither of them, but mostly because Buffy has a bad habit of kicking the blankets off both of them while they’re asleep. It’s not that bad, though, because then she gets cold and cuddles up to Riley more. Neither of them mind.

who leaves their stuff around: Buffy does. She isn’t super bad about it, but Riley has been known to trip over her boots in the middle of the living room. 

who remembers to buy the milk: Riley all the way. In my ideal universe, he moves in with Buffy and Dawn, and Dawn will say how funny it is that they never seem to run out of tampons since he moved in. 

who remembers anniversaries: Only Riley the first year and it’s kind of sad, so Buffy makes a point to remember after that. 

who cooks normally?: Riley because he’s got a bit more time, but it’s fancier when Buffy cooks. I know fanon is that she sucks at cooking but I think she tries hard. 

how often do they fight?: They argue when they’re both tired and stressed out, but they’re good at realizing that it was because they’re tired and stressed out come morning. 

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: They’re both pretty good at being separated, but Buffy likes to send Riley goofy selfies and he smiles so huge when he gets them. He loves his tiny strange girlfriend. 

nicknames for each other?: Not very many, besides ‘Buff’ and ‘Riles.’

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: Riley, as a southern (ish) gentleman thing. Buffy thinks it’s pretty silly and kind of oldfashioned but it doesn’t bother her as much as it would bother... I was gonna say me or Willow, because we’d both think it’s kinda sexist, but we’re both gay so we wouldn’t be in that situation.  

what would they get each other for gifts?: Riley likes getting Buffy a ton of little presents, like jewelry or trinkets (and so many flowers, he’s always bringing her flowers) he sees when he’s shopping. Buffy finds it hard to shop for boys but she puts a lot of thought into his birthday presents. 

who kissed who first?: God I feel like this is canon but I completely forget what happened, I’m a terrible person. I love briley. I’m sorry, briley gods. But in my head, it’s Buffy. Although if she didn’t, Riley was going to about a half second later. 

who made the first move?: Riley, if holding hands counts as a “move.”

who remembers things?: Riley is better at this and he ‘subtly’ reminds Buffy a few days before Important Things so she doesn’t feel like she’s being told what to do. 

who started the relationship?: Riley definitely ‘officially’ asked Buffy to go steady even though it was already understood that they were boyfriend and girlfriend because he’s a fucking nerd. 

who cusses more?: Buffy, especially during patrolling. 

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: Generally, kick the enemies ass. Stick to your strengths. 

Xandrew!

big spoon/little spoon: Xander’s the big spoon, and Andrew’s such a cuddly person it’s impossible to get up some mornings. 

favorite non-sexual activity: Comiccon. But for everyday stuff, they like watching Star Trek on Netflix and having “”debates”” over spock/bones vs spock/kirk 

who uses all the hot water: Andrew is terrible at this because he likes trying out fancy soaps and he wants to get the most out of them. 

most trivial thing they fight over: Star Trek ships. Actually anything tv related they just go at it. 

who does most of the cleaning: neither of them. They live in filth until Andrew’s best friend Anya visits, she’ll kick them out and do it all herself. 

what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: They fight over this. They have the same taste but one of them will be in a Vampire Dairies mood and one will be in a Supergirl mood and it’s a disaster. 

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: Andrew, because Xander has a wee bit too much pride. 

who steals the blankets: Andrew, he likes to be a burrito, especially in his space sheets because then he wakes up and he’s in space. 

who leaves their stuff around: They both do, the messy nerds. Disaster. 

who remembers to buy the milk: Andrew’s good at shopping because he bakes, so he’s always going out to buy things. They’re never in need of food. 

who remembers anniversaries: Andrew’s better at this than Xander, he also is better at big anniversary gestures. 

who cooks normally?: Andrew! He enjoys it and he’s a lot better at it. 

how often do they fight?: They bicker all the damn time, it’s most of their communication. A lot of lovingly making fun of each other. They have a few huge blowout fights, but they’re not often enough to be a big problem. 

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: They send each other memes. It’s dumb but it makes them laugh and they like feeling close to each other. 

nicknames for each other?: Not to be totally cheesy but... Bruce and Clarke. 

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: Xander because he likes to feel like a gentleman and provider but Andrew always offers five or six times. 

what would they get each other for gifts?: Andrew has a way too big collection of Pop Funko figures, so Xander picks those up when he sees them. They usually end up being ones that he already has but he just loves feeling like Xander cares. Andrew bakes for Xander. A lot. He gains like 15lbs in the relationship.  

who kissed who first?: Xander kissed Andrew first but it took a lot of Willow talking up his confidence. 

who made the first move?: The kiss was the first move. Willow was so exhausted by the endless conversations about the exact right way to do it. 

who remembers things?: Neither of them, tbh. They’ll be having sex when the plumber shows up. Dumbasses. 

who started the relationship?: Xander technically, but Andrew had a crush first. 

who cusses more?: Xander. Andrew isn’t a huge fan of cursing but he thinks it’s kind of hot when other guys do it. 

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: Andrew turns into a expert nurse. Xander panics but tries to save face. 

Lunn!

big spoon/little spoon: Gunn is the big spoon. Lorne smiles himself to sleep a lot because Gunn is so comfortable. 

favorite non-sexual activity: I mean...karaoke. They sing to each other constantly, it’s so fun. But they also really like going to fancy operas and ballets and watching silent movies. They’re classy. 

who uses all the hot water: Lorne! But they like to take baths together (Lorne is the worst at apartment hunting because he Needs a place with a huge bath) and those last for hours. 

most trivial thing they fight over: Lorne takes so long to get ready for everything, so they show up late a lot and Gunn is a polite guy so he tries to avoid that, which they fight about. It isn’t serious, though. 

who does most of the cleaning: Both of them are pretty good about this but Lorne likes to find Pintrest organization hacks and reorganize their entire place while Gunn is out for the weekend.

what has a season pass on their dvr/who controls the netflix queue: Neither of them watch a ton of tv, besides artsy HBO stuff I guess. So they just watch their shows together. 

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: Lorne calls at the first sight of any trouble, which Gunn thinks is silly but not worth arguing about. 

who steals the blankets: Neither of them, but it should be mentioned that Lorne has stupidly fancy sheets and fuzzy blankets and pillows and Gunn thinks it’s totally unneeded at first but then he gets used to it and gets annoyed when he has to sleep like a normal person. 

who leaves their stuff around: Neither of them because they’re sweet people who respect the shared space. 

who remembers to buy the milk: Gunn, mostly. He’s good at household stuff. 

who remembers anniversaries: Both of them! And Lorne loves making a big deal out of it. Gunn pretends to be embarrassed by it but he loves it a lot. 

who cooks normally?: Gunn really likes cooking. Lorne mixes the drinks and Gunn does the meal, eating together always feels like an event. 

how often do they fight?: Not very often, they both have good temperaments. And it helps that Lorne can read when Gunn wants to be left alone or needs to vent about something. 

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: Lorne sends Gunn Edible Arrangements and pretends that they totally aren’t from him.  

nicknames for each other?: Gunn just calls Lorne ‘Lorne’ but Gunn gets Gunny, bang bang,Charlie, Charlie Chaplin...there’s a lot. 

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: Gunn offers but a lot of the time, Lorne knows the owner because he’s so connected so the meal is free. 

what would they get each other for gifts?: Lorne loves spoiling Gunn but Gunn doesn’t know what tf to do with all these fancy ties and the odd gold watch. Gunn gets Lorne small but meaningful things, like cologne that Lorne likes but they don’t make anymore. 

who kissed who first?: Lorne kissed Gunn first, because Gunn’s aura was screaming that he wanted him to. 

who made the first move?: In this instance, humming while thinking about how cute Lorne is is making the first move so...

who remembers things?: They both do, but Lorne is better at little details because of managing his own bar. 

who cusses more?: Gunn in everyday situations but Lorne in bed. 

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: Gunn is unfortunately used to having people he cares about getting hurt, so he’s good at helping Lorne and staying a little bit calm and patching him up. Lorne freaks out more and is Extra about taking care of him.