#migraine jacking up my whole sleep schedule

[rowlfthedog]

Honestly Rowlf himself is probably awake already. He’s in his kitchen brewing hot coffee. Not to drink, but as an accessory to sit next to him when he retires to the living room and dies in his recliner for another few hours, all so he can say he woke up early. To be fair he might’ve just wanted to see the sunrise and- imagine him playing piano all nice for himself while the house is still dark and he feels all nice and he’s still sleepy…

[editorialsonlife]

Well

Welp, feeling like doing an update because there's been a lot going on to be honest. its one of those weird dichotomies where every day feels like an eternity and there's so much going on and then you look back and you're like oh, ok its just my brain making it difficult and making things take forever but anyway.

LOCKDOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNN

Lockdown life was good, apart from being thrust into it so suddenly dave left a banana on his desk. Wasn't great to come back to after 5 weeks out of the office - mummified mouldy banana!! Classic. We luckily got our first jab before lockdown started so that was good, and we were reasonably well stocked up on food and were generally a lot healthier this lockdown that last. honestly, there's a level of chill and serenity in lockdown that i just love. the ability to set my own schedule and only work the hours I actually work to get the job done? Amazing. getting 8.5 hours of sleep each night without having to wake to an alarm blaring? AMAZING. getting to go for walks every afternoon? SO FLIPPING GOOD. I love it so much, I really really do. I need this to be my life permanently.

WORK

Work is just ongoing and draining and honestly, coming back to the office was so fucking stressful and it was only one day. Being at home is just the fucking bomb. Pending home decisions, I wanna go contracting I think, but also ideally two part time contracts to have more flexibility? I dunno. You'd think a big 4 would provide variety but it really doesn't and honestly, with Richie leaving, wellington is just a sinking ship. Sean's off on parental leave, Kirstyn is down to four days a week, ben will be gone if he doesn't get promoted (and I don't think he will be tbh). Jack is just muddling along, Nigel wants to swap to consulting as well, Matt's going to be a shit leader in terms of bringing in work so it's just not going to work. and in our wider group it's going to get even more messy with heaps of the analysts leaving and a couple of senior hires too. so I think it's probably time to jump ship in general, pending the home stuff below. Also, coming back after a break again, I'm like, I don't actually like a lot of you? All the people I enjoy here are in other teams and groups, and I'll be sad to leave you all, but like, not enough to stay anyway lol.

Pending the home below, two options are to just going and get a job with a $30k payrise to make up for the maternity leave benefits I'm gunna leave behind when I leave this role - 18 weeks full pay, $100 a week for the first year back and a full year of maternity leave. It's basically 30k post tax which is a bit nuts to walk away from to be honest.

Otherwise the other option is to go contracting. Less security overall but holy shit so much money. If I went in as a project coordinator at the lowest rate to build up a bit of a portfolio I'd need to work 40 weeks of 40 hr weeks and Id basically match my current salary plus the lost family leave benefits and still qualify for govt maternity leave payments. Realistically I could go in as a project manager for $140 an hour ($60 more an hour than the above math) and absolutely smash it at that level as well so ya know, there's a bunch of other info. I like the idea of the flexibility of it and only having 6 months even if its a shitshow and beign able to walk away at the end of it. I really don't want to get a govt job and this is a v govt town which is fine but also, if I can avoid it that would be great. I just know I'm not gunna thrive in that environment.

Need to talk to Dave to get him across the line on the security issue part of that though. I've mostly come a long way in terms of my financial management (thanks YNAB) so I think he'd be ok with it mostly.

So there's a lot to toss up there because......

HOME

We got the reno plans done during lockdown, finally. which was super good. but holy fkn jesus $$$$$$ ++++++++++. The guy is coming around for the final quote on Thursday. We indicatively said $100k total because we're doing kitchen laundry bathroom and toilet. so only the most expensive rooms and when I was talking to him last week he said 'that might cover it' and they're seeing cost escalations of 7-10% a week which is just insane. we're not doing anything structural apart from putting in a cavity slider in the bathroom, and the quote they'll give us won't include flooring since they won't do it.

Meanwhile, the prefab homes I were looking at for our site were $425k fully done. Like, I'm not going to spend $130K on doing up my 1940s ex state house ya know? That's not good cost benefit ratio.

So depending on what that comes out at on thursday we'll be able to make some plans.

We also want to start trying for kids next year and need these renos done first - I am not having kids and no dishwasher lol.

Also we need bank financing so good to be in a permanent stable job for that application. the good thing is we have so much equity we know we can borrow whatever we need, I just don't want to spend that much money on it because it's fkn ridiculous. and if I'm going on maternity leave we need to be able to cover it all on dave's salary and whatever benefits I have as well so there;s a lot of financial planning and spreadsheeting going on at the moment lol. it's fab.

either way. we've got plenty of options up our sleeve. we've got friends who's brother owns a building company so we can talk to them, we've got the garage so we can get things prefabricated even if they're not installed til next year, Dave can get shit at cost through his work for whiteware, there;s plenty of things to like cost control we can do, we just need to know where we're starting from basically. thats the challenging part. but we'll figure it out, its just taking longer than I want it to basically.

We also planted up the vege garden for the spring/summer which was lovely, super jazzed about that. we've finally got the garden to a reasonably low maintenance level where everything is mostly under control and it's such a relief, honestly.

PERSONAL

Man what a shift to lockdown last year honestly. I think the last 8 weeks in particular has just been like, a massive reality check of how absolutely shit the last year was and how fucking glad I am to be rid of it. I spent a week absolutely spiralling 2 weeks ago now and honestly, I don't know how I lived in the state for more than a year. I actually don't know how I did it. and I could not be more glad that I'm finally on the other side of it, for the most part. There's still a bunch of other stuff to work through (hahahahahaha when is there not like damn) but fucking hell its nice to just not be anxious and nauseous and wound up constantly. life is actually accessible. miracle.

My workmate had his bebe - I went round and got newborn cuddles and was like, oh, is this what it is to be clucky? this is odd. so there's that as well. I think we'll probably start trying next year pending renos and jobs etc. If the renos can be done in jan I'll prob just stick it at the job to get the benefits but I dunno. it's a tough call to make really. we shall see. This all assumes we get knocked up without any issues which is questionable these days. I really want to feel healthier before getting pregnant as well, and part of that is losing weight. however, given discussing that is what triggered the spiral we're working on that one slowly.

Also, lets have a moment for counselling, because fkn bless anne and all her hard work honestly. I actually ended up emailing her being like, I;m losing my shit on the monday and then talked to her on thursday. And its so funny because it's such a counselling thing but I didn't realise until afterwards what she'd done but she was like you're clearly not doing well and then the night before dave got a fkn miserable migraine and he was up for like, 2 hrs powerchucking except he didn't make it to the bathroom in time so guess who was cleaning up vomit at 130am trying not to chuck herself but I digress. anyway, not doing well, couldn't even explain why, didn't even have words and super tired and she's like, what lynaire up to this week how's she going with izzy and chat about that and then be like how are you feeling about your body and then 5 more mins of chat about the cat and the chickens and then like bam hard question and then hows it going with x and y and z and its like, it wasn't til I was on my walk afterwards when I FINALLY started feeling marginally better I was like damn woman work your magic for figuring it out for me and helping me reregulate. all over the phone as well since we were still in lockdown. GREAT WORK FRIEND.

and then last week was like totally fucked theoretical discussion about religion and the role it's played in my life and fate vs free will and all this nutty shit but genuinely just a great discussion. She's the best and I love her. thank good for good counsellors. thank god I can afford to pay for it honestly.

Dave and I are just chugging along, god bless that man. I love him. its amazing. I miss having friends close by but understand why they had to move (boooooo f u house prices). Family is pretty chill, still not really talking to dave's parents which is nightmarish but we'll deal with that when we need to. gunna have to go and visit them at some point coz dave misses them and I feel for him, I really do. It's the whole boundaries renegotiation I went through with my family last year post wedding blow up and its just not a fun place to be. oh well. can't fix it for him but also I'm not putting up with that level of BS from either of our families once we have children. not gunna happen.

Either way, life is busy and full and fun and I'm enjoying it. Daylight savings starts this weekend too, its october next week WTF and I'm just waiting for 4pm to find out what's gunna happen to our girls trip. Clearly we cancelled our sept trip to christchurch and akaroa and hanmer springs so my covid travel curse continues. fkn ridic. Still dunno what we're gunna do with $2500 of flight credits coz if we get knocked up theres def no international trips happening any time soon.

thus concludes the almost 2000 word write up of life. hope you've enjoyed it. I'll throw up some pics in a separate post if people care about reno plans. such a good time!

[grovyrosegirl]

MCSM AU Month Day 22: Admins AU

Jesse had her fair share of scars. What former adventurer didn’t have at least one? So far in her life, she’d gotten them in spots that were usually covered by her clothing, or often in places that were barely noticeable unless one looked closely. How she’d managed to not even get a large one on her face after years of neglecting to wear a helmet in battle, nobody knew. 

However, her final battle with the former Admin, now just Romeo, had left a considerable amount of injuries, bruises, and of course, scars, all over her body. The most prominent scars she’d gained from the battle could be seen on her right hand, the same hand that she wielded the golden gauntlet used to take down Romeo once and for all. Jesse concluded that they likely were from that singular, final punch that both stripped Romeo of his powers and shattered the gauntlet on impact. She recalled a burning feeling covering her entire hand in that one moment, but at the time, the adrealine running through her body had numbed the pain. It wasn’t even until a day afterwards, when Ivor was tending to some of her more pressing injuries, that Jesse spotted the scars on her hand. 

The scars themselves were rather large, looking almost like splotches of dark red paint were covering her knuckle and fingers. Jesse counted herself luck that, other than the stinging pain that came with any burn injury, after a few days and many healing potions courtesy of Ivor, there didn’t seem to be any lingering aches. 

Jack, who had taken residency at the Order Hall with Nurm as repairs to the duo’s shop were being done, wholeheartedly agreed with her on that. Another former adventurer himself, he too had many scars all over his body, and like the extravegant storyteller he was, he had no qualms with sharing a few of his own scrapes. What was the most recent one he’d told her? Oh yes, a large bite mark he had on his left leg from a battle with the “Marsh Beast of Har’lang Swamps”. 

“They hurt like the Nether,” Jack said one night as they both held drinks in their hands, “but each one has a story.” 

Jesse nodded, “Another way of telling myself that I made it out alive in the end, huh?”

Jack chuckled, raising the mug in his hand, “Cheers to that, friend.” 

Weeks past. Beacontown and its “Beautification Project” repaired the broken parts of town, removed all the excess lava, and slowly allowed the townsfolk to return to a relaxed everyday life. And yet, that soft pain still lingered on Jesse’s hand. Every doctor or individual with the bare minimum of medical knowledge she’d seen couldn’t seem to find any cause. The scars were healing, they told her, and the pain was likely just a side effect, something that would be gone and forgotten about soon.

“Soon” never came.

The soft pain would grow worse. One moment, Jesse would be having a drink of water or discussing building plans with Lukas and Radar, and the next she would feel that stabbing pain pulse in her hand, moving up into her arm, and eventually resulting in a horrible migraine that pounded in her head. The moments of pain were short, at first. But with every one, they seemed to go on for longer. Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned to hours. 

So far, Jesse found a temporary solution by drinking potions of healing, of which the Order Hall luckily still had plenty of in storage. The potions didn’t stop the pain completely, but they at least kept it tolerable enough for her to get work done. 

And Jesse had a lot of work to do. 

“I’m worried about her.”

Jack looked up from his plate. Lukas, sitting across from him at the table, held his forehead in one hand while the other gripped a feather quill pen raised above a blank page in one of the writer’s many journals. 

Next to the blond was the empty seat where Jesse had been sitting only moments ago before finishing up her dinner and heading off to bed early on that night. Radar and Nurm had soon followed, with the latter always being one to hit the hay early and the former wanting extra sleep tonight so he could plan next month’s schedule in the morning. 

“Why’s that?” Jack asked.

Lukas sighed, placing the quill aside and shutting the journal, “I don’t know. I mean, at first, I thought I did.” He kept his voice low, knowing full well that Jesse wasn’t too far. “You’ve probably figured it out by now that Jesse has a bad habit of overworking herself.” 

Jack nodded, “It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.” He gestured to the empty seat where Radar had been sitting earlier, “Slim over there has the same problem. But I always assumed that it’s a downside of their jobs. They’re running a whole town after all.” 

“That’s the thing, though. If it were only that, I wouldn’t be too worried. I still don’t like it, but that’s typical Jesse for you. It’s just that-,” Lukas paused in his words, looking up to make direct eye contact with the former adventurer across from him. “This is going to sound crazy, and I need you to hear me out.” 

Jack leaned back in his chair, resting his arms behind his head with a confident grin on his face, “Friend, I’ve seen crazy and punched it right in its face. Let it out.”

“Something doesn’t seem right with Jesse. Ever since you guys took down Romeo, there’s been something different about her. I can’t put my finger on what exactly, but I feel it,” Lukas spoke slowly, his eyes scrunching up in frustration as he tried to think of the best way to put his concern into words.

Jack rose an eyebrow, “I hope you aren’t trying to tell me that you think the Jesse that came back with us is an impostor.” 

Lukas shook his head, “No, trust me, I spent weeks having to put up with a fake Jesse. I wouldn’t fall for it twice.” He let out a heavier sigh, “It’s not even that she’s acting any different than normal. She just...feels different. And with all of these weird pains she keeps getting I’m worried that-,”

“Hold on,” Jack cut him off, “she feels different? What do you mean?”

“That’s the thing,” Lukas said, eyes drooping down to stare at the closed journal, “I don’t know how to put it into words.” 

“Aren’t you a writer?”

Lukas gave him a defeated smile, “Ironic, right?”

“Look, Lukas,” Jack lowered his arms and leaned on the table with his elbows, “I get that she’s been your friend for a long time and you’re worried about her. I don’t blame you. Everyone’s been a bit, well, best way I could describe it is rocky, ever since this whole Admin fiasco happened. We’re all just trying to pull ourselves back together.” He attempted to give him an encouraging smile, “But I was there with Jesse that whole time in the Underneath, and from what I saw, she’s more than capable of handling things on her own.” 

“I know she is,” Lukas attempted to argue back. “I’m only trying to...” He opened his mouth to say more, but no words would come out. “I don’t know.” 

“She’s been through a lot. We all have,” Jack said. “Just give her some time to work through things, and pretty soon, she’ll feel normal again.” 

“Yeah, I guess,” Lukas let out a final sigh. “Guess I’m still on edge too.” 

Sleep. One of the most basic needs for a human being, yet one of the hardest things for Jesse to successfully achieve. It was ridiculous to her, how she always felt tired but was never able to let herself fall into a deep sleep right away. 

She tossed and turned, rolling over in her bed in a desperate attempt to find any position that would be comfortable. The pain in her hand certainly wasn’t helping matters. 

Neither were certain recent events. 

The drowsiness had her consciousness fading in between reality and dream. Closing her eyes led to the world of dreams leaking into her real life senses, in the form of scrambled voices she could hear. Lately, however, there was only one voice that was plaguing her dreams. Or to be more specific, different voices that came from the same person. 

“You’ve really got my attention now.”

"It's all games, Champion! Winning, losing...that's what life's all about! Once you figure that out, you'll be much happier."

“I made this for you, just for you, and how do you repay me? You cheated.”

In the darkness, Jesse felt two eyes staring down at her. They glowed a deep red, with blazing yellow pupils. She felt her chest tighten up, when those two eyes were suddenly on her own face, with a sickly sinister smile, and her own voice talking back to her. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of Beacontown.”

It was enough to startle her awake. Jesse let out a sharp gasp, eyes wide, with one hand grasping to cling to her pajama shirt while the other gripped her blanket tightly. 

Beads of sweat trickled down her forehead, as her breathing came to a slower pace. For some reason, her blanket covering her legs felt heavier. She didn’t pay much mind to it at first, as she let go of the blanket’s edge and felt her free hand around for her mattress...

...Only for her to realize that her free hand was clasping at air. It was as if her bed had disappeared and-

-And why was her blanket hanging off her legs? 

Her eyes darted down. Oh. There was her bed. About five feet below her.

She was floating.

The realization caused her to let out a strained yelp, which some how made gravity turn back on, as quickly as she had found out she was in midair, she was now falling back downwards, her blanket flying down with her. 

The landing was rough, but luckily her mattress managed to break her fall. Once she was sure that she was back on something solid, Jesse rolled over onto her stomach, panting heavily as thoughts buzzed around her head. 

It must’ve been a dream, right? It had to have been. She couldn’t have been floating. People don’t float.

Well except for-

No. No. No. A sense of panic overcame her, as Jesse shook her head frantically. No. No. Dream. It had to have been. There was no way.

A light caught Jesse’s eye. It wasn’t the normal light that seeped under her door from the lit up hallway outside her room. The light was much closer, illuminating a small area right near her. 

With a shaky breath, Jesse raised her right hand in front of her face. 

The scars on her hand no longer resembled red splotches of paint. They had morphed, becoming thinner, almost looking like veins. The vein-like markings were crawling up, now covering a good portion of her arm. 

And all of them were glowing the same color. 

Gold. 

Jesse screamed. 

[moreenchiladasplease]

tagged by the lovely @kizunah ! thank you! i love tag games!

1. who’s one of your favorite characters and why?

currently, since i’m reading the raven cycle, it’s gansey. honestly i love all the characters bcuz maggie is so fucking good at writing them. even the villians. and the gray man! fuck don’t even get me started on morally gray characters. going into the books i thought i would like ronan or adam the best just bcuz you raved about them a lot and usually those are the character i tend to love and i still very much love them but gansey man. he took me by surprise. 

he just has so much of my aesthetics. like he has a fucking mint plant bcuz he likes mint and somehow always unlimited mint leaves in his pockets for whenever feels like minty freshness. he was wire frame glasses. he lives in an old factory. he adds to his miniature model town when he can’t sleep. he has journals. and likes the fucking beatles!! he drives a broken down piece of garbage that’s probably held together by duck tape and he knows it and loves it. he is an old soul! he is an Intellectual™. but also Clueless™. he is such a fucking dad friend. always going “lynch” “parrish” jane”. and he’s so wholesome and such a good and caring friend and it kills him inside when he can’t help his friends and oh god oh god please help me i love him

2. last book you read – what did you think of it?

I finished the hate u give by angie thomas a couple of days ago and I absolutely loved it. it focuses on police brutality and racism also touches on various different topics like drug abuse, gangs, abuse, different views on interracial couples, etc. It was an incredibly powerful and impactful book. It was kind of hard for me to read bcuz generally, I read books to get away from the world we live in and this was very much the reality of the world we live in. the injustice of it. and angie writes it in a way that it is unapologetically honest. but it is so so important. I wrote a full review here on my book blog but it’s a spoiler-y so beware.

also I’m so excited to see amandla stenberg play starr. I’m gonna have to wait a few months to watch it (bcuz there are no frickin theatres here) but still... I know it’s gonna be great.

3. do you consider yourself a good decision maker?

these three words do not belong together   i really can’t say... maybe 72% of the time i am? yup that seems pretty accurate

4. preferred studying method?

pfffffftttt method? what method? i tend to study at my desk to avoid falling asleep. and i listen to lofi hip hop or jazz. and i usually study in 3 hour intervals bcuz i have trouble focusing for longer periods of time and have to take breaks. is that what you meant?

5. favorite word from your native language?

I don’t necessarily have a favorite word... but when I learned my Spanish alphabet I would like to say the letter ‘y’ over and over again because it was fun to pronounce. It’s pronounced  ~ i griega ~ which is really fun to say. I just really love Spanish and rollng my ‘r’s. 

6. do you have a problematic character you’d die for?

let me take a deep breath first will herondale (tid)! ronan lynch (trc)! the gray man (trc)! loki laufeyson (marvel). tony stark (marvel)! matt murdock (marvel)! jessica jones (marvel). magneto (marvel)! jason todd/red hood (dc)! sherlock holmes (sherlock). charlotte holmes!  todoroki shouto (bnha)! bakuboy (bnha)! itachi uchiha (naruto)! hohenhiem (fmab). greed (fmab)! i could go on forever but imma stop here

7. is there something you felt like you’d never be good at, but are somewhat decent at doing now?

I feel like my social skills have improved a shit ton. I used to not be able to speak to people without stuttering a lot or while holding eye contact for longer than 5 seconds. I used to not be able to order food for myself. And now I can interact with people better and I pick up on social cues better. And I smile at people I don’t know when I’m happy bcuz I feel like it and I like to spread positivity. things like this may seem small to other people but it’s not small for me. I think I’ve come a long way and I’m incredibly proud of myself for all of it.  

8. what’s your general temperament like?

i’m either mellow and chill or wild and weird. there is no in-between.

9. something you want to get better at?

my mentality. in general really. but something i’ve been struggling with a lot recently is not being able to not do anything. i love having lazy days i do. they allow me to relax and take a break from things that have been stressing me out. but the next day when I get back into it and start to get things done... I put myself down about taking a day off. about wasting time when i could’ve gotten so much done. this mentality is such a toxic one and I hate that I have it. I hate that I always have to be productive to consider myself useful. I hate that I can’t relax and enjoy myself anymore without my brain going into overdrive to tell me how much of a fucking waste of oxygen I am. I was very near to tears a couple of days ago because I took a few hours off of schoolwork bcuz I had a migraine and the whole time my brain wouldn’t shut up you’re wasting time you could be done with so many assignments by now you could be doing useful things right now you don’t know how to do jack shit why the fuck are you even in school if you’re not going to study why is mom spending valuable money on your education when you can’t fucking stick to your fucking schedule fuck

i hate that i have that mentality. and i would just like it to kindly fuck off.

10. something popular everyone else likes but you don’t?

fuck... ummmmmmm... i think it’d be easier for me to tell you something i like that is underrated or unknown... 

oh! um ferris beuller? that john hughes movie with matthew broderick. i mean, i like the movie, i just don’t love it like everyone seems to. it’s a nice light movie about teenagers skipping school and having fun. but i don’t like ferris bcuz he comes off as a sort of douche. escpecially towards his friend cameron, who very clearly has mental health issues that ferris tends to brush off quite a lot. so i don’t really understand why people rave about it so much.

11. before consuming books/movies, do you read reviews, or do you like going in blind?

I, for the most part, go in blind. I have a tendency to put things on my list, to eventually watch/read, because I hear good things about them or I myself just would like to consume the content, but a never get to it immediately. I get to it months later, sometimes a year or two later, when I’ve more often than not forgotten all about anything I’ve heard about it. but even then, I don’t generally read reviews because I don’t really care what other people think of it. The only people’s opinions I care about are my friends and family because I like to discuss the content I consume with people close to me. Especially if I feel strongly about said content. so, no, i don’t seek out reviews. it’s usually that i happen upon reviews and them i’m like ‘good to know i guess?’ i don’t rely on critics cuz critics sometimes don’t know what Good Content is

tagging @mllebabushkat @sengad-apollo @hannahdearr and also @kizunah if you wanna do it again and also @demfeeeels if you can dig out of your grave for a bit  : ) and here are my questions for you:

what is an unknown/underrated piece of media that you love?

what are five things you love about yourself?

do you read comics/graphic novels? any favorites?

what’s top 5 on your playlist right now?

what is something/someone that never fails to make you laugh?

recommend me some of your favorite tv shows/movies/books/music.

an unpopular opinion you have?

favorite disney soundtrack?

favorite word from your native language? (i’m stealing one of mariam’s question bcuz i love)

what makes your heart go mushy?

top 5 tropes you live for?

[builder051]

Between heaven and hell (Criminal Minds)

The dark mood continues...

This was a prompt from AO3.  Time-wise, this is set around the tail end of 13x01 and before 13x02 (after Spencer gets out of jail and after Scratch is apprehended, but before Spencer’s officially back to work).  I can’t remember if the show actually leaves this window to make it a feasible missing moment, but that’s what I’m thinking as I’m writing this.

This is not intended to be romantic (my preference is for asexual Spencer), but I get that it has vibes a little bit.  So, take it where you will if you want.

Trigger warnings for illness, past drug abuse, current iffy substance use, and general mentions of all the awful shit that goes on with Criminal Minds.

_____

The knock on the apartment door catches Spencer off guard.  He’s about to tip back a handful of ibuprofen and chase it with cold coffee, but he pauses before the tablets drop onto his tongue.

Who would be coming to see him now?  His friends from the BAU have maintained their visitation schedule even though he’s back at home, so he’s come to expect Penelope, Emily, and JJ on their respective Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Derek brings Pizza on Saturday nights.

But it’s two in the afternoon on a Tuesday, and Spencer’s supposed to be alone.  Alone to read books and watch movies and peruse news articles until something sets him off.

The person outside knocks again, igniting a chain reaction of pain receptors in Spencer’s head.  He decides to swallow the painkillers in his hand before chancing standing up.  He knows five pills is too many.  But he also knows they won’t put a dent in his headache.

Spencer sighs when the third knock sounds.  He prepares to face the errant delivery person or confused neighbor, trying to think of what he’ll say.  Spencer’s not sure he has a voice.  He’s barely been speaking lately.

He undoes the latch, not impressed with the tremor in his fingers.  “What?” Spencer rasps, looking through the tall person on his doorstep before taking in who it is.

“Reid?”

Spencer blinks.  Wonders for a second if he’s hallucinating.  “Hotch.”

“Yeah, I…”  The words seem to die in Hotch’s throat as he takes in Spencer’s appearance.  Spencer’s aware that he doesn’t look well.  The pallor of his skin and the bags under his eyes started being old news around the time shaving and showering had dropped off the list of priorities.  “I heard…”

“D’you want to come in?” Spencer asks.

Hotch doesn’t say anything, just follows Spencer inside.  The coffee table is a mess of dirty cups and painkillers and sleeping pills. Spencer glances at it warily and screws the cap on a bottle of Jack Daniels before collapsing back into his nest on the couch.  He normally cleans up a little if he knows he’s going to have a guest.

He expects Hotch to take the chair on the other side of the living room, but he doesn’t.  Hotch perches beside him on the sofa.  There’s space between them, so it’s not smothering, but Spencer’s still nervous.

“I thought you were in witness protection,” Spencer says.

“Officially, yes,” Hotch affirms.  “But I won’t be much longer.”

“It’s a risk.  To be here.”  It can’t happen again.  Someone he cares about getting into trouble because of him.

“I couldn’t just not come,” Hotch says.  “I wanted to come immediately when I heard what happened, but…” he shakes his head.  “It’s safe enough now.  And I don’t think you’re doing well.”

“I’m ok.”  The reply is automatic.  And not technically a lie.  He’s getting by.  Staying off drugs.  The illegal kind, at least.

“Reid…” Hotch shakes his head.  “You’ve been through a traumatic experience.  Not your first traumatic experience.  You don’t have to just deal with it.”

“I don’t know.  I’ve got people coming by four days a week.  I have support and everything.”

“But they don’t get to see what I’m seeing right now,” Hotch ventures.

Spencer lets out his breath.  He can’t lie.  Not anymore.  Not to Hotch.  He barely nods, and his headache punishes him for it.

“It’s ok to ask for help.”

“I’m…but…” an unexpected lump of tears rises in Spencer’s throat.  “I’m getting so much help already.”

“But not with what you need.”  Hotch drops his hand on Spencer’s knee.  “Tell me what’s going on.  Really.”

It’s going to sound like he’s a wreck.  And maybe he is.  He can’t sleep when he wants to sleep.  And the rest of the time he can’t stay awake.  He can barely stomach anything.  He can’t concentrate.  His head feels close to exploding with migraine-level achiness and pent up frustration.

“Reid,” Hotch prompts.

“I…”  Spencer’s voice cracks.  “Just… I don’t feel well.”  He swallows hard.  “I feel…really bad.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know,” Spencer says.  Tears begin to slip from his eyes, and he wipes them roughly on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.  “It’s not my fault, but…but…”  His vocabulary, hell, the entire English language lacks the exact words to vocalize how he feels.  “It’s not my fault I got set up or drugged or arrested.  But I was there.  Doing something illegal.  So, it is my fault.  In the end I can’t blame anyone but myself.”

“No, it’s not.”  Hotch says firmly.  “It was the right thing, even if it was against the law.”

“They only gave me cocaine once, but I can’t stop the cravings.”  Spencer scrubs at his trembling hands over his eyes.  “That’s my fault.  I should never have used in the first place…”

“You’re still clean, though?” Hotch asks, the clutter on the coffee table apparently nonwithstanding.

Spencer nods.  “I don’t care why I started or how long ago it was.  I just can’t stop.  I can’t stand it.”

His whole body is shaking.  His head, his shoulders, his diaphragm.  Spencer’s not sure if he’s about to sob or throw up.  He’s lost his grip on gravity, and he feels himself tipping forward.

“It’s ok.”  Hotch’s shoulder materializes under Spencer’s chin, and strong arms wrap around him.  “You don’t have to be alright right now.”

Spencer sniffs, but it does nothing to stem the snot and tears intent on running down his face.

“Ok,” Hotch soothes again.  “When is the last time you slept?  Really slept.”

Spencer doesn’t know.  Possibly not in this lifetime.  Definitely before he left for Mexico.  He shrugs into Hotch’s chest.

“You need to get some rest.”

“I can’t.”  Something’s always there, hovering behind his eyelids.  Scratch, Cat, Gideon…  He hasn’t been able to escape the haunting.

“You can’t live with exhaustion like this,” Hotch says.

Spencer screws his eyes shut.  “Maybe I don’t want to.”  It’s barely a whisper.

Hotch sighs against him.  “Reid, I understand.  I haven’t felt the things you’re feeling, but I know what you’re going through.  I know it’s hard.” He pauses for a moment.  “Would it help if someone stayed with you?”

Someone to witness him wake up screaming every few hours?  Spencer’s first thought is to vehemently refuse.  But he’s so tired.

He shrugs.  Swallows.  Nods.

“Ok.  Good.”  A fatherly tone comes through in Hotch’s voice.  Spencer imagines Hotch saying the same thing to Jack.  He feels more pathetic.

“You should lie down for a while.  I’ll stay, make sure nothing’s going to hurt you…”

Spencer can barely listen.  Nausea rises dangerously.  “I feel kind of sick…”

Hotch sits with him on the bathroom floor.  Tears mix with dry heaves, and eventually Spencer can’t tell what’s what.  He hunches over the toilet, shivering, until Hotch pulls him back.

“You’re done, ok?  There’s nothing left.  You need to sleep.”

Spencer drags his feet down the hall to his room and falls on top of his bed.  The rumpled sheets are cold.

“Rest.”  Hotch pulls the trash can up to the side of the bed, then unfolds the comforter over Spencer’s curled legs.  “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

[keiraelaine]

2017

This year I learned the compassion and caring that I’ve always felt shame for lacking. I learned how to listen and show up when someone tells me how they feel and I’m working out the kinks with making caring space for myself in relationships. I learned that I am worthy and I found love and I learned that I need to care about myself in order to take care of myself. I started learning how to do that. Long long post below. 

January: I flew into Green Bay like someone who doesn’t have any sense of self-preservation. I ignored the signs. Or, I worried that I was too anxious, and that it wouldn’t work because I couldn’t just trust a person. I was out of theory though, and I felt like I could breathe easier than I had in a year. Benson stopped me in the hall, surprised. Jan. 20 sucked. Landlord continued to not do his job. In coding, I felt like I was actually learning a cool thing. I spoke to no one. AfAm Writers seating was straight up segregated and we were intimidating. I learned more about the world at BGH than I did anywhere else. I suppose I felt shame, but I was away from the con. I couldn’t make myself care about getting out of bed. The voice search was frustrating, because no other students really showed up. 

February: I learned what I want to do with my life from a candidate. I had a reason to make myself get up in the morning. I offered crumbs because that’s what I did best, ask for nothing and feel anxious. We had one good night. People suggested walking away. I scared myself by not drawing a line and allowing some major bullshit. I should have known because every white girl I’ve been with couldn’t ignore me in public if she tried. My new friends showed me what respect looked like. In coding, my attendance and attention faltered. One night, I threw my phone. An apartment opened up and it seemed perfect. It took weeks for me to figure out he and we were going to stay unhealthy. I felt ignored and unimportant. My writing in AfAm was exemplary. My friend got really, really hurt by a shitty boy. I got hurt by a shitty boy too. I felt shame.

March: The coding project loomed just in time for me to realize I knew nothing about Java. The random girl in my class who I worked with made me laugh from my belly. The boy in our group was MIA and sexist. Cue the hardest project of my life with a partner who was brown but not a lesbian. I kept wanting to give up. I slowly figured out I thought and was afraid to think she was cute. My friends tried playing matchmaker. ACDA was magic and disappointing and educational all at once. I came back and made some quip about morning finals, and I gave back shit that wasn’t mine. I moved! I observed girl choir and thought it was impossible. I got a biopsy and was not dying. I passed coding barely, and AfAm with flying colors. I was nervous about history and about scenes, and anxious about the boundary I drew, but it turns out the Ignore Boring Girls in Public game continued regardless of how I tried to communicate. Some people I thought were friends knew and decided to not have my back. I decided to kiss the girl I wanted to kiss instead of waiting for some bullshit that would never not hurt. 

April: After kissing the girl I wanted to kiss, who was brown and not a lesbian and also cannot do Java, I went to the library with her, and then to breakfast, and then to a movie, and then back to bed! Beethoven haunted me. History started good and so did Race and Ethnicity, but RE went downhill fast. It was more 101 than I could even consider sitting through. They put me in with an orchestra and I sang well. I figured out that anxiety was now a loud, disruptive thing that I had to deal with every day of my life because of the shit I picked up from useless boys and men, especially theory. I apologized too much. I loved my new apartment. I was afraid to like this girl, but I pulled a Torres and UHauled faster than I thought proper. We said things to each other that were honest and caring at the same time, and kissed in my office.I stopped being afraid. Kadihjia left and I felt lost and angry and resentful. Spring scenes were fun!

May: Spring scenes continued to be fun because I barely had to speak to the directors, and thank god. They made me a witch with a knife and put me in white make-up. Choir became insufferable. I wanted to be in Cantala. I thought about dropping RE. I thought about dropping everything but singing and poems. Melissa gave me the tools for an excellent imitation poem and continued to trust me for reasons I can’t fathom still. I made friends with the Academy! They and Julie grew my brain bigger than I thought possible. I felt angry all the time. Every day. I learned jaw tension and migraines. I learned my recital rep. I wrote good program notes, and my mom came to visit. I didn’t weep this time. I sang very well. My people were there. My girlfriend was there, because that’s who she was. I looked elegant. Campus went to shit. My friends got hurt. I felt afraid.

June: I shaved the side of my head and rebleached the blonde bit and we three got tattoos and had a sleepover. My friend group kind of went to shit and I decided to not have friend groups anymore. I took an incomplete in history and then passed that shit like nobody’s business. I was so proud of myself. I worked an office job that seemed totally fine before it started sucking my soul out. Anger ran my life. Reunion weekend was a time for singing and remembering and confusion, but mostly a time for singing. I grew to resent the people I worked with. I missed my girlfriend but I trusted her, and missing someone you trust is a whole different game. I tried out veganism and yoga and both were good. Gaycation!

August: I scheduled box braids and tried bullet journaling and I got box braids and I felt Real. I felt ready and real and beautiful and worthy and loved. Except at work which continued to be bullshit. I worried about theory, but I knew I could at least try with a new professor. Still angry always. I felt like I could spend a good long time with my girlfriend. 

September: I thought all my classes would be exciting except theory. Turns out, a good teacher and an excellent therapist make theory perfectly good, and a teacher who doesn’t care to decolonize the classroom can make interesting content insufferably boring. I felt angry and anxious and safe. Facilities fired me. I had the worst panic attack of my life about my refund, and I felt angry at a white woman I typically trust more than most folks. PEDAL hit the group running. 

October: It was affecting me that half the queer Black women at school left. Anger abound. I was ready to slap some smiles off white girls’ faces. I was ready to schedule an actual fight with Richard. I was ready to drop Sonja’s class. My homework was getting done but I couldn’t say anything to a professor without also saying sorry. I did jack in my independent study. I thought about I wanted a Black Studies MA. 

November: Melissa convinced me about MFAs. I figured out that all I could do was give the best presentation in the class I wanted to drop. I took my hair out and panicked about it. I realized I needed to shave it off, so I did. Nothing I have ever done is as freeing as that I figured out that some white middle class women love technicality more than anything else. I learned that I can’t yet glare a shit-eating grin off a white face. I learned that I have trouble listening to my own needs, again. I learned that I’m allowed to work on it, that I’m allowed to feel overwhelmed and need to be comforted and held. I wanted to go home. We planned Costa Rica. I shaved all my hair off.

December: Straightness was a weight on my chest. I passed every single class. I got an A in music theory. I earned the grade of ‘A’ in MUTH 252. It felt unbelievable, like a miracle but also like a birthday, like a matter of course. I missed Rebecca. I had a massive breakdown about grad school. Melissa showed up for that anxiety. Girl choir was indescribable. I had a short quarter-life crisis about music education. I sank into a week-long lesbian unrequited shame melancholy and wrote some poems and asked for help and pulled myself out of it. I got into a professional choral ensemble. I applied to Cave Canem. We moved. I fell in love with our new house. We made a plan to go home to the sun after school lets out. I fought with my brothers and I broke down crying in the car and I ate real Mexican food and I apologized and made up with my brothers and I jumped in a cold pool and I worried about the future. On Christmas, I was Black for the first time. I had a panic attack about coming back. I had another panic attack about coming back. Anxiety sat like bile in my throat the entire time I was in the air. I came back and spent time with a really wonderful human, and I cleaned and reorganized everything, and I ate cookies, and now I feel like I can do this next six months, even though it’s so much bullshit. I realized that I need to make small changes this year that will give me ease in small ways. Lotion, swimming, sleeping, water. I graduate June 10. 

Resolutions:

Say no to things that distract me from my goals. 

Swim often. 

Learn to cook a few things!

Make some money. 

Fix my nails. 

Read one whole book for pleasure every month. 

Keep the apartment and garage clean. 

Do laundry on a schedule.

Do mornings on a schedule. 

Work more on apologizing.