#might soft reset though i think i would be too overwhelmed with how busy my dash is atm

[sleepykas]

Stumbles in

Hi I'm still alive moving is just taking a lot longer than anticipated <3

Stumbles out

[floatingpetals]

What Have I Done? || Ch. 11

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: angst, super possessive Bucky, gets pretty dark

Word Count: 1800+

Summary: A bad break up between Bucky and his ex leads to a new friendship with the quiet tech he never had the chance to get to know. Relationships grow, feelings are caught, and boundaries are explored. Bucky thought he found his happy ending, but old memories haunt his future. He knows what he’s doing wrong, dangerous even, but he can’t help it. Can he fix the wrongs he’s done? -a requested story for @iheartsebastianstan

A/N: Aight, so this was actually going to be one long chapter to finish, however as I was writing it, I realized too much is happening and I didn’t want to overwhelm anyone. So I cut it and there’s going to be one last chapter after this before the epilogue. Another note, this could have some sensitive topics that some people might not like, but it’s nothing too awful? I don’t know, just read with a little caution cause it does get heavy in some part and probably a little ooc(?). Beyond that, I hope you all enjoy! Hopefully 😆

Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Series Masterlist

“Steve?” Y/N croaked, hesitantly knocking on Steve’s bedroom door. Her throat burned and the tears flowed hotly down her cheeks as she frantically looked over her shoulder. She didn’t know who else to go to, who would know what to do. The sound of her heart pounding in her head drowned out the panic that gripped her heart, but only for so long. She was brought back to the sound of him moving around the room, Steve’s footsteps were heavy and swift before the door swung open.

Concern clouded Steve’s face at the sight of Y/N standing in front of him, with her arms wrapped around her waist and tears staining her cheeks. With a quick look down both sides of the hall, Steve dragged her inside the room and locked the door behind them. He ushered her to the edge of his bed and went to grab a box of tissues. Y/N sniffled a soft thanks and dabbed her cheeks.

“What happened?” Steve asked warily, grabbing his chair desk to sit in front of her. Y/N struggled to answer, the whole reason for her being here was still fresh and raw. It was still jarring how much he changed, how dangerous he had become. He wasn’t the same Bucky she first fell in love with.

“I- I don’t know.” Y/N held in a sob, her chin quivering as the emotions came rushing back to the surface. “Somethings wrong with Bucky. I- I don’t know what happened.”

Steve’s back straightened at the mention of his friend. He had noticed the change in Bucky when it came to Y/N, both the good but sadly the bad. Recently, he was akin to a wild animal that was incredibly possessive of its territory. It had only been about two weeks since the incident in the gym and Bucky seemed to have progressively grown worse.

“What happened Y/N?” Steve pressed, needed to understand what caused her tears. She clenched her eyes shut and took in a shuddering breath.

“It was in the lab. I went to go talk with Tony and one of the lab assistants needed help with something. I didn’t think anything of it and went to help. I-Nothing happened.” Y/N whispered, trembling when the sound of Bucky snarl repeated in her mind. “He was so angry. He just started threatening Rob, told him to that I was his a-and that he’d snap his neck if he-.”

A sob tore from her lips and her hand flew up to cover her mouth. Steve inhaled sharply and pushed off the chair to sit beside Y/N and wrap his arms around her shoulder. He leaned her against his chest, tightening his hold while she sobbed into his chest. He murmured soft words of reassurance to Y/N while he was trying to imagine what could have possibly pushed Bucky over the edge like this. It was so unlike him to act this remarkably out of character.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to say anything else. I’m so sorry,” He whispered, hopelessly watching as Y/N broke down in his arms.

He had no idea where this was coming from, what could have possibly set his best friend off like this. This wasn’t a one-time occurrence; he had seen his fair share of Bucky practically baring his teeth at anyone who dared to get too close. A dangerous look would pass over his face if they ignored his warnings, his steely eyes watching the person leave as he if was considering ways to tear them to pieces for defying him. It had even gotten to the point where the rest of the team was walking on eggshells around Bucky and Y/N, wary about setting him off. Steve had kept a close eye on him, hoping it was just a momentary lapse in behavior and it would straighten out eventually once he realized Y/N was there to stay. Clearly, this was much bigger than Steve could ever imagine, and it wouldn’t simply change overnight.

Y/N tried to calm her sobs and trembling but now that she was able to let everything the past few weeks out. She kept it all bottled up inside, worried that maybe she was doing something wrong to cause him to act like this. Today was the breaking point. Seeing his lips twist into a savage snarl as he stood over Rob as he cowered made her blood run cold. The sight of the ferocity and murder hardening his eyes made all the hairs on her arms and back of her neck stand on end. Combined with his feral hiss as he jammed his metal finger against Rob’s chest and threatened him harm if he came near Y/N again, it was too upsetting. She had to run and find someplace to hide from his threatening form. 

“Breath,” Steve urged gently. He passed another tissue and helped her sit back. Y/N nodded sharply, blowing her nose in the tissue and grabbed another to wipe up the tears. She hated how weak she felt, how this had brought out the scared little girl inside her.

She still couldn’t believe it. This was Bucky, her Bucky. The same man she cradled when his heart was shattered and stomped on. The same man who would hold her so tenderly and whisper soft sweet nothings in her ears in the early morning before the busy day. He was so sweet and caring, even with all the pain he had endured he still managed to be incredibly gentle with her. She had his heart and he had hers. Or so she believed. How did things become so twisted and backward?

“What do I do, Steve?” Y/N croaked, her sobs dwindling down to broken whimpers. Steve frowned and looked at his hands. He honestly had no idea. How did one go about bringing volatile behavior to an already unpredictable person? When he or Y/N tried to explain in the past, Bucky didn’t want to hear it in the slightest. He was ready to fight and keep her all to himself. It didn’t matter who stood in his way, he would tear them apart without a moment hesitation.

“I don’t know,” He sighed sadly. “I honestly don’t know. This isn’t like him though. I’ve never seen him so angry and possessive. It’s almost like…”

He trailed off, realization slowly dawning on him and he inhaled sharply.

“Like you’re his mission.”

Y/N froze, her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline. That couldn’t be it, could it? He wasn’t the Winter Solider. They took out the trigger words so there’d be no way for him to go back. His behavior was different. He was aware of what he was doing. He wasn’t mindlessly following orders and an empty shell.

“No, think about it.” Steve turned to face Y/N. “He’s suffered some pretty serious trauma from Vivian, it pretty much ruined him and his self-confidence. It set him back, even further than when he first came to the compound. And then you came along and helped him reset. You put him back on the right track, you helped him become more confident in himself.”

“But how does that make me his mission though?” Y/N asked skeptically.

“Because you’ve become his everything. Really, I guess you’re more like his trigger. Haven’t you noticed how he only gets that way if anyone gets too close to you? He snaps into this state where he’s ready to take anyone down, no matter what the cost is and no matter who the person is” Steve explained. “It’s like he’s letting his fear of you leaving him or someone taking you away from his control how he acts. Yes. This isn’t him being the brainwashed assassin that Hydra created. It’s more like some strange hybrid of the Solider and himself.”

“Yeah, but…” Y/N started to argue, slowly seeing how it could make a little bit of sense. The Winter Soldier was known for how calculative and methodical he could be in missions. He was a shadow, quiet and swift. No one could tell what was going through his mind at any given moment. However, he did have moments where he was ruthless and vicious, not caring if it hurt others in the process. The only difference is with Bucky now vs then, he had emotions overriding his thoughts and mind. He wasn’t blank. 

The crap Vivian pulled had pulled on him was like a vice, and he was letting his insecurities override his rationality. Even though it still didn’t totally line up, it still made sense to a degree. He was scared she would leave him, and the dormant instincts of protecting they had drilled in his head kicked in. She hadn’t realized how bad this had become and how dangerous the entire situation was. Y/N knew it was serious, but not this serious.

“Captain Rogers.” FRIDAY interrupted their epiphany, causing Y/N to nearly fly out of her skin. Steve bit the inside of his cheek and scrubbed his hand down his face.

“Yes, FRIDAY?”

“Boss needs you at the hanger. King T’challa and his sister will be here in five to speak with you both.” The AI responded. Both Y/N and Steve shot each other a confused look.

“Did he mention why they’re here?” He asked.

“No, just that they want to speak with you after they land.”

Steve inhaled deeply, clenching and unclenching his fist. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t mind such an unexpected visit from them, however, right now he didn’t want to leave Y/N alone. Not when she was hurting and needing support.

“Go ahead.” Y/N urged gently. “I’ll be okay. I probably should take a minute to wrap my brain around this alone.”

“Are you sure?” Steve turned to her and frowned. She nodded and looked down at her hands.

“I’ll be okay. Really. I just… I don’t want to go back to my room right now.” She murmured softly. Steve mulled over his options before finally giving with a heavy sigh.

“You should probably stay here. I don’t think Bucky will think to look here first, so it might be best.” He reasoned. He slowly rose and stared down at Y/N as she sniffled quietly. “I’ll make sure FRIDAY only opens for me. Try not to worry too much about everything right now. When I get back we’ll figure something out. We can’t let things keep escalating the way they are anymore though.”

Y/N agreed and nodded, reaching for the tissue box once again. Steve hesitated a moment before he walked over to his shoes to slip on.

“I shouldn’t be gone too long. I’ll tell FRIDAY to let you know if anything changes.” He said and stopped at the door. Y/N sent him a tight-lipped smile and waved her hand.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you get back.”

With a sharp jerk of his chin, Steve shot her one last glance over his shoulder before he stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him. Making sure he told FRIDAY to keep his room in lockdown until he said it was clear, Steve made his way to the hanger with his stomach in knots. Both his best friend and his close friend were hurting. And he needed to figure out a way to fix this.

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